Don't Be an A-Hole at the Movies

With the holidays upon us a favorite family pastime is heading to the movies. I wanted to write this post as a friendly PSA: Please don't be an asshole at the movie theater.

During the holiday break, my friend Sheryl and her husband took their three kids to see a movie at the movie theater. (God bless her, BTW, because my kids have been begging me to take them and I was in no mood to fight the crowds.)

Humble Brag Letter

The view from our beach house!
Dear Friends and Family,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

We hope you're enjoying our family photo. We decided to go with the 8x10 for everyone this year. We know a 3x5 would have sufficed, but we heard from so many of you last year how much you liked our picture and we wanted you to have something really special this year. It's printed on heirloom quality canvas and should really stand the test of time.

I Lost My Elf on the Shelf

Well, I've reached a new low with my Elves on the Shelves. (Yes, I have two to move around now, remember? We added Elva the Elf to our house last year.)

This year it hasn't been so bad, because I've been using my handy dandy Underachiever Calendar to move my elves from one shelf to another and back again. Monday night, though, I got a wild hair. I had a little bit more pep in my step than usual and I got cray-zee with my elves. I put them in NEW places. See, normally I keep them together, but this time I split them up and tried some different shelves in my house. It was bananas. My kids could hardly find them the next morning. I was in the other room, but I could hear Adolpha exclaiming, "Oh look, Gomer! I've never seen an Elf there before. Have you?"

Holiday Moms I Want to Punch in the Throat

The Overachiever—The holidays are a stressful time of year and the rest of us are doing the best we can. Why must she set the bar so high for the rest of us? Who really wants to wear matching Christmas sweaters for the entire family (including the dog) while caroling through the neighborhood and distributing homemade cookies and fudge to all your neighbors? Does is really make her life easier to have a unique wrapping paper for each member of her family's gifts? It's one thing to put lights in the front of your house, but when she lit the back of her house too, she crossed a line.

The Humblebragger—We get it, her life is incredible, but she can't brag outright about it. Instead she takes to social media to wrap her brag in a thinly veiled complaint. She lets us know just how impossible it is to take a cruise for two weeks at Christmas time! Simply finding a place to board the dog and the hamster is impossible while trying to pack casual resort wear, dressy resort wear, and a formal gown. Plus, the flight leaves at 6 AM. Are you kidding? It would be easier for her to stay home. Right.

Humble Brag Christmas Letters

It's that time of year again.  No, I'm not talking about the Elf on the Shelf.  Sure, he's everywhere, but let's try and forget about him for just a minute so I can focus on what I really like about this time of the year.  I'm talking about reading Humble Brag Christmas Letters.

2015 PIWTPITT Holiday Gift Guide

I am a Holiday Pantser, meaning I don't plan for a darn thing during the holidays. So, come December 1, I start trolling the internet looking for lists of gift ideas for my family. Sure, my kids are at an age when they'd prefer cash or their weight in bubble gum, but I won't do that. I might not make the holidays that magical and special, but I do want them to have some gifts (that I've wrapped horribly) for them under the tree.

Last year I made a pretty good list and I decided to do it again this year. So, stop your worrying and look no further. My family and I have made you another great list.  

10 Things I Want My Kids to Be

Today the Hubs is guest posting. He doesn't usually write, but when he does he's always got a lot to say. Please read it and if you like it, let him know because he loves a good comment as much as the next person. 

My kids are heading back to school and I can't be there with them. I can't hold their hands in the hall or join them for lunch. I won't always be there to influence their decisions and their choices. I can only do my best to teach them and to prepare them. This is the advice I have used to try and instill the qualities I think they need to be a better version of themselves:

1.  Be fearless. Don't spend your life in fear of the unknown.  You should not be afraid of the unknown.  You should embrace the unknown as new adventures in your life.

2.  Be strong.  Be strong in spirit, body and mind.  I not saying I want you to be pumping iron and do 100 push ups a day, but to be strong in everything you do.  To be strong in mind and spirit and don't give up on anything you try and to persevere through the difficult things in your life. 

10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

I know, I know, I don't usually do the positive stuff, but this one got me thinking.  I do gripe a lot and I don't want everyone to think that's how I always am.  I really do have a lot to be grateful for and it wouldn't kill me to acknowledge that.

I actually have a good friend who won't even read this blog, because she finds it too negative.  She asked me a long time ago to write something positive for every negative thing I wrote.  I laughed in her face, of course.  Maybe she'll read this one at least.

1.  My Family.  By family I mean the whole clan.  I have a fairly large extended family and we're all pretty tight.  When you ask my kids the names of their best friends, their cousins are always at the top of their list.  We get together a lot.  "If it's Wednesday, then it must be the 5th anniversary of Uncle Larry's gall bladder surgery.  Let's all celebrate with dinner at Mimi's Cafe!"  We have no qualms rolling into a restaurant and asking for a table for 25.  Sure, we fight and get on each other's nerves, but at the end of the day, we're family and you don't mess with my family.

The Little Box of Horrors

I have a few bins of crap - I mean precious treasures - that my mom has saved since I was born. A few years ago, my mom gave me the bins. She said that she thought that maybe I'd enjoy going through them with my kids and seeing the "time capsule" of my life. I was like, "Yeah, maybe" and then I shoved them in the back room of my basement and piled a ton of crap in front of them.

This weekend Adolpha and I were cleaning out the back room when she spotted the bins. "Are you ever going to open those and see what's in there?" she asked.

Adolpha is our family historian. She is the one who cares about making memories and preserving them. She is the one who wants to make things special and glittery. She was positive that those bins held treasures from my childhood that would be ah-may-zing.

Normally, I growl and tell her no, but I was feeling generous and bit sentimental myself. After all, Gomer's eleven now and he could care less about spending any time with me. Adolpha's nine, so I know my time with her is just about up, so I said, "Fine. Let's see what's in there."

I grabbed the closest bin and pulled it out into the well-lit room so we could really admire all of my treasures. I opened the lid and was immediately greeted by this:

The Snotsucker

You know how much I love ridiculous products, right? Like the Binsi Birthing Skirt. Remember that one? Practical enough to push a bowling ball out of out of your vagina while still looking cute during your birth experience and/or a trip to Target. Also, it was wrinkle free, because that's important too, you guys.

Or the Facekini? Those creepy face masks women in China are wearing to prevent their faces from tanning? I'm all for preventing skin cancer, but those suckers are just plain terrifying. I never want to go to the beach in China.

Well, today a reader emailed me about a new weird product. Today I learned about The NoseFrida Snotsucker. Does it sound revolting? Because it is.

Best Elf on the Shelf Birthing Video Ever

In the two years since my Elf on the Shelf rant went viral, I've received countless photos of elves in various positions. They're usually very funny, like snorting powdered sugar off a mirror, having a three-way with Barbie and Skipper, or getting his head ripped off by a dog. Over the years I've become quite jaded and I thought I'd seen it all.

I was wrong.

I stumbled onto and I saw the weirdest, funniest, more elaborate elf scenario I've ever seen.

More Terrible Kids' Names

Sooooo ... you know how much I loooooove silly names, right? Names like Aighmey and Alicin and Rocco and Jacin (he's Alicin's brother). Well, this week I was introduced to a couple more to add to my growing list I like to keep.

Do You Let Your Kids Sip Alcohol?

“What does it taste like?” Gomer, my ten-year-old, asked me.

“What does what taste like?” I asked.

“Your beer.”

We were having dinner and though I don't normally have a beer with my dinner, that night it just sounded like a refreshing beverage. I looked at the bottle in my hand and shrugged my shoulders. “I don't know,” I said. Because I really didn't. How do you describe the taste of alcohol to your child? They only flavors he knows and understand are water, milk, juice, and soda. Beer doesn't taste anything like any of those beverages. How could I explain to him what beer tasted like?
“It tastes gross,” the Hubs said. The Hubs is not a drinker and does not mince words when it comes to his disdain for beer.

I disagreed. “It doesn't taste gross.”

“So it tastes good?” Gomer asked.

I thought about his question. Does it taste good? Again, how do you explain to a child if beer tastes good? Should I tell him it tastes good? Will that make him want to try it for himself? Should I tell him it tastes bad? Would that keep him from experimenting with underage drinking or will it make it sound taboo and then drive him right to it? Man! Parenting is hard!

“I think it tastes good now. When I first started drinking, I didn't like beer. It took me a long time to like beer and I had to taste a lot of different beers before I found one I liked,” I explained.

“Why did it take so long?”

“Because it was sort of an acquired taste,” I told him. “It's something that grown ups like, but kids probably wouldn't.”

“Can I have a sip?” Gomer asked.

“Maybe you should let him try it, Jen,” the Hubs said.

“Are you crazy?” I asked.

I Hope My Son Makes Them Laugh

If you've been reading this blog for any time now, you will have noticed that I tell far more stories about Adolpha than I do Gomer.  It's not because Adolpha is my favorite.  (She's not.  I don't have favorites.  Really I don't.  My favorite is whoever leaves me alone while I write this.)  It's not even because Adolpha is funnier than Gomer.

It's because over time Gomer has asked me not to write about him.  He will do something hysterical or tell me a funny story and immediately he stops, gets an intense expression, and asks me, "Will this be on the blog, Mom?"

The Mean Moms at the School Concert

This might be the worst story I think I've ever heard.

Apparently somewhere in America a principal is having an emergency meeting with a group of mothers. The mothers are there not to talk about their children's behavior. Instead they are there to talk about their own behavior.

So there was a music concert the other night and this group of bitches sat behind a teacher from the school and during the concert they proceeded to put chewed up gum in the woman's hair. Let me say this slower for you, because the first time I heard this story, I didn't quite understand and I thought it was the kids who did this. NO. Not the kids.

So...Nutscaping is Happening Now

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My Kid VS. The School Nurse

I have a tummy ache ... oh wait, it's time for recess?  Never mind.
OK, seriously.  Is anyone else on a first name basis with the nurse at their child's school?  On Thursday I received the second call this week from the nurse.

My child - I'll give you 10 guesses WHICH child I'm talking about - is in the nurse's office just about every day it seems.

Yes, of course it's Adolpha.  The nurse has called home, because she's had a tummy ache, she bumped her head on the playground, she needed a band aid after gym class, and the list goes on and on.

My Husband Loves Me TOO MUCH!

Anyone else have a husband who drives her crazy? I don't know what the deal is today, but the Hubs is getting my very last fucking nerve. (Actually, I know the problem, this time I'm the one with PMS instead of him.)

The Hubs and I spend waaaay too much time together. (Which is just the way he likes it.) We live together (duh) and we work together at home. There is no office for me to escape to. There is no office for me to pack him off to. There is no one to go have lunch with or shoot the breeze with at the water cooler. There is just the Hubs. If I turn a corner in my house, there he is. If I go upstairs, he goes upstairs. If I go downstairs, he goes downstairs. He just looooovvves to be together. Truly. He can't even run an errand alone. He likes to have me along, because he "misses me too much." Ugh!

I know it probably sounds lovely and romantic and all that, but really it can be so annoying. There is a fine line between loving someone and holding them hostage. I think I have Stockholm Syndrome, because I'm being kept prisoner, but I love my prison guard.

Adolpha on the Lunch Line

School has started and we are all back in our routine. Adolpha started Kindergarten so I finally have both kids at the same school.  Ahhh!!!

It's so interesting to see the differences between my kids now that they're both in school.  Gomer is cautious and a rule follower.  He makes the smallest waves possible and keeps his head down.  Adolpha has never flown under the radar.  She prefers to make a splash every where she goes.  Adolpha is settling into Kindergarten like she owns the joint and today she proved that to me.

Overalls Are Back and I've Missed Them Soooo Much

Do you read RachRiot? Well, you should, because she's crazy funny.

The other day she sent me a link to an article about Emma Thompson's fashion sense. Emma was rocking a hot pair of overalls, a jaunty scarf, and a blazer (because a blazer makes overalls classy and less hobo).

YES! That's right, overalls are making a comeback, bitches! If you read my book, then you'll know that I once looooved to strut my style in overalls. Especially on my first date with my husband where I thought I was going to be murdered and then he thought he was going to be murdered, but instead we got married.

When Rach sent me the article, she was like, "Check it out! Trendsetter! Overalls are so now!"

I was like, "What? Overalls AND a scarf? Mind. Blown. My two favorite body cover-uppers." Everyone scoffs at my style, but let me tell you something, people, this article proves that I am so trendy I'm AHEAD of the curve. You will all be shocked when Hollywood A-Listers start showing up on the red carpet wearing Crocs and I will be like, "Told you so!" It's just a matter of time. Have you seen those jacked up toes on the starlets? They mash those poor piggies into portable torture chambers and cry on the inside all night long. My fuzzy Crocs have never made me cry. 

The ONE Thing the Hubs Does Better Than I

I've told you before that the Hubs is a cheap-o, right? I think I've mentioned it once or twice or eighty times. Anyway, he's cheap. In so many ways. For instance, I work mainly by sunlight (light bulbs are expensive!), I only eat out when he has a buy one-get-one coupon, and we wear layers all winter long, because we're not billionaires, so the thermostat has no business going higher than 67 degrees. Rarely do the Hubs and I buy one another gifts. At Christmas time we usually buy something "big" for our house. Like this year, we've bought a new dishwasher for each other.

The Hubs is cheap in so many ways, except one: greeting cards.

Ethan Couch and His Case of Affluenza

Did you hear about the spoiled brat who killed a bunch of people and gets to go to a place that sounds a lot like a spa instead of prison?

Let me catch you up to speed in case you haven't seen his smug little face on the news. There's a kid in Texas named Ethan Couch. He's 16 years old. His daddy is the owner and CEO of a sheet metal company. I don't know what his mom does, but I'm guessing that parenting isn't on the list. Anyway, one night Ethan was home without any parental supervision and he decided to hit the local Wal-Mart and steal some beer. He got shit faced and then went for a joy ride with a bunch of his buddies in a truck owned by his daddy's company. Ethan was behind the wheel. He didn't get too far from his house when he plowed into four people who were trying to change a tire on the side of the road - killing them all. He was going 70 miles an hour in a 40 mph zone and his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit (if he were over 21 and allowed to drink, that is). One of his buddies who was riding in the bed of the truck was thrown out on his head and he's been in a vegetative state ever since.

World's Worst Auntie

Just when you think your Aunt Marge isn't the nicest aunt in the world, you should thank your lucky stars that you don't have Aunt Jen. No. I'm not talking about me. I'm a GREAT aunt! (Right, nieces and nephews??? Right???? You'd better say the right answer or you'll hear from my lawyer!)

I'm talking about Jennifer Connell, the worst aunt in the world.

So, Auntie Jen went to her 8-year-old nephew's birthday party a few years ago. He was very excited to see Jen, probably because Jen sneaks him candy or something. Anyway, the nephew was excited to see Auntie Jen, so he ran and threw himself at her. Sure, it wasn't a cool thing to do, but kids do dumb things. They're kids. Now Jen's obviously kind of a wuss, because when 50 pounds of kid hit her full on, she fell over and broke her wrist.

Did You Know That Jimmy Fallon is My Cousin?

I had the most bizarre dream last night. It was about Jimmy Fallon. It wasn't erotic, although he is a cutie-patootie. It was all business related.

Jimmy Fallon called me and said, "What's up, cuz?" and I was like, "Umm, excuse me? Am I being punked right now?"

Jimmy laughed that cackle-y laugh of his and said, "No! We're actually cousins. Well, we're third cousins twice removed or something like that. I can't remember exactly. See, wants to sponsor my show and my team and I thought it would be hilarious to use their site and research who I'm related to. We're finding distant cousins of mine and bringing them on the show to interview. We'd love to have you come on. You can totally promote Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat if you want." (Now you see why this dream isn't erotic. We're related!! And my new-found cousin wants to be my pimp. Awesome.)

The next thing I knew I was telling the Hubs I was going to New York City to be on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. "When do you go?" he asked.

"Tomorrow. Get this, I have to spend the weekend with Jimmy and his wife. I have to live at their apartment."

I Have Something You Need

Hellooooooo! How are you guys? I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time. That's because I've been super duper crazy busy working on ...

That's right, people! I have a brand spanking new book out.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Yuletide Yahoos, Ho-Ho-Humblebraggers and Other Seasonal Scourges (STHWPIWTT: YYHH&OSS from here on out) is coming out on October 13. You can wait til then to get it or if you think you're going to be busy, then you should probably go ahead an pre-order now.

Now, if you've been hanging around me for awhile, you might be scratching your head and saying, "Wait, Jen, I already have that book." 

My answer? "Not exactly."

So, here's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of this story: In 2012 I self published a book called Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It was a MASSIVE success (i.e., several people and my mom bought it) and it got great reviews EXCEPT there was one teeny tiny itty bitty complaint that kept popping up: "This is too short!" Soooo, I took a bunch of time away from my friends and family and blog and I doubled the size of this book. I kept all your old favorites, including the famous Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (you can read it here too) and I added a ton of new chapters you've never seen before.

Chapters like:

Doesn't Everyone Wrap Christmas Presents in Their Underwear?

Sometimes It's Hard to Tell the Difference Between a Home Invasion and an Overzealous Crew of Christmas Carolers

Nice Halloween Costume. Was "Skank" Sold Out?

Why You Won't Be Invited to Our Chinese New Year Party This Year, or Ever 

Then Random House was like, "Hey, this is a good book. We'd like to buy it." So, I sold it to them and they made me a new cover with a gingerbread man doing his "O" face. And then I met Jen Lancaster and I was like, "Hi. Would you like to be besties?" and she was like, "Sorry, I'm a little deaf in this ear" and so then I said, "Would you blurb my book?" and she said, "Oh, THAT I can do." And then she did!!! 

So that's on the cover too.

Does this sound like your kind of book? Well, if you've read this far, then this book is totally for you. What are you waiting for? Go and get your copy and six more for friends and family. It's the perfect White Elephant gift, hostess gift at your next cookie exchange party, or book to put on the back of your toilet when everyone descends on your house on Thanksgiving day. 

Bonus! If you're in Kansas City on October 13, you can totally come to the ah-may-zing launch party that Mid-Continent Library is throwing. Just click here for details and to sign up. 

If you're not local and you still want some books signed so you can give them as gifts (or keep them, I won't judge), then send me an email at and let's make that happen for you. 
On a personal note, I want to thank you guys for always supporting me. The fact that I can spend my days in my PJs writing stuff that you'll read is the stuff of dreams. I am #blessed. Truly. That wasn't hashtag sarcasm, that was legit. I know that I don't say it enough to anyone, but especially to you, but I really do love you guys and I'm so grateful that you have embraced this sassy, sweary gal. Mwah! 

Trick or Treat? Please?

Gomer will be 10 this year and I've been wondering about what age is too old for trick-or-treating. I can remember trick-or-treating way past my prime. I can remember dressing up like Madonna in seventh grade. My dad wouldn't let me out the door until I showed him a picture of Madonna, because he was certain I was lying and my costume was really "underage hooker." I can remember hitting the local Walmart for adult-sized footie pajamas, a bib, and a pacifier when I was in college. I dressed up like a baby so my friends and I could score some free Snickers bars. The stupid part is I'm pretty sure my "costume" cost us more than if we'd just bought a bag of Snickers bars when we were at Walmart. But I later realized those jammies were an investment. They got worn all winter long.

Pet Amber Alert

Have you seen me-ow?
In one week I have received three annoying phone calls from the same organization. It's the Pet Amber Alert company.

Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!

The Mom Who Brought Vagina Cookies for School Snack

Have you ever brought baked treats into your child's classroom? I bet you have. Maybe a cupcake or a cookie. Maybe you're the parent who brings the fruit or veggie tray. Maybe all you could manage were individually wrapped cheese sticks. All fine snacks, right? I bet never once did you think to yourself, "Ooooh, I should bring vagina cookies to my second grader's class today!"

That's because you're not insane.

That's right, here's a story that's going around Reddit that I thought I'd share with you. Some cuckoo lady who loves her lady bits brought a tray of vagina pastries to her second grader's classroom the other day. She plopped her pan of pussies on the teacher's desk and demanded they be handed out and enjoyed to their fullest. She felt like this was a good teaching moment for 7 year olds to learn about the finer nuances of what makes a vagina so special. What better way to do this than through cookies?

I'm Hallmark Approved. Sorta.

OK, so picture this. I'm sitting in my office in my pjs and I get an email saying something like, "Hi Jen, I represent Hallmark and we'd love to work together. Let me know if you're interested." (I mean, obviously, it was a better crafted letter than that, but close enough for blogging, right?)

I finish reading the email and I start looking around for TV cameras, because I'm obviously being punked. Nobody jumped out from behind the door and yelled, "Just kidding!" so I wrote back: "Are you sure you have the right Jen? This is Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Are you sure you're talking about THE Hallmark? The people who make Christmas ornaments and those card commercials that make me cry, right?" 

The World's Saddest Mannequin

If you're friends with me on Facebook, then you probably saw me share this picture the other day.

Image: Reddit

It's the world's saddest mannequin.

At first I thought she was just sad because she'd always dreamed of being a mannequin in Nordstrom and instead she got The Salvation Army.

Birthday Mom Goes Crazy and Sends a Bill to a No-Show

Surely by now you've all heard about the kid who got a bill for $24 when he was a no-show to a classmate's birthday party.

You haven't heard this overachieving tale of WTF?

Where have you been? It's all the talk in the carpool line, my email is blowing up with links to the articles, and one of my mom's friends even mentioned it to me today.

OK, so let me fill in those of you who must live on a deserted island.

Boost Your Libido AND Pass Out All At The Same Time

The FDA approved a new drug called Addyi -- pronounced "Addie." (Yeah, I don't know why it's spelled so stupidly, but it is.) It's being touted as the "female Viagra."

I don't know about you, but my friends and I talk a lot about how little interest we have to get it on these days. We've always got a list of about 30 other things that need to be done before we can sexy time, so a drug to help get us in the mood SOUNDED like a terrific idea. That's right, ladies, this little pink pill could revolutionize your pathetic prowess in the bedroom!

But before you start gobbling these pills like Tic Tacs, let's take a closer look at the harmful side effects:

Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party

Oh thank God there is a new trend in parties we can throw for pregnant women!

I was really starting to worry about party planners. I was beginning to think they were hurting for business. I mean how were they earning their keep once kids didn't need elaborate first birthday parties or potty parties anymore?

I was also so concerned for those pregnant moms out there who were feeling like they weren't getting quite enough attention. Let's see, they peed on a stick and posted the results on Youtube, had a gender reveal party where they released doves that had been dyed pink or blue into the sky and a boring old baby shower (everyone and their grandmother had a baby shower!). These pregnant moms were suffering from lack of adoration and needed a little pick me up.

To Breastfeed or Not to Breasfeed

I read an article about the New Zealand La Leche League protesting a picture of a dad feeding his baby daughter a bottle.  The picture was part of a PSA ad for not smoking.  The ad ended with the man saying he wouldn't smoke because he has a baby in his house and then he feeds his baby a bottle.

The LLL decided this was not the proper message that needs to be sent out to New Zealand and they pressured the government to edit the ad and remove the feeding.  They think that by showing a father feeding his baby a bottle in an ad completely un-related to breastfeeding it will somehow sully the message that breast is best.

Never once did LLL consider for a moment that it really isn't their fucking business why this man is feeding his baby a bottle.

Summer is Over for Me So I Want to Give You Something Free

Hey you guys, what have you been up to? At the risk of sounding like a dense soccer mom in the aisles of Target: THE SUMMER HAS LITERALLY FLOWN BY! Poof.

We did a lot this summer:

The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot

The other day the Hubs was scrolling though some of the Twitter profiles of my readers.  He does this on occasion.  It's actually very helpful usually because it's always good to know who's following you.  Today he stopped short when he found one:

Hubs:  Whoa.

Me:  What?

Hubs:  Nothing.

Me:  What?  Is it a famous person?  Am I finally going to get my own Wil Wheaton?

I'm Baaaaaack!

If you've been following along on Facebook and Instagram, then you'll know that I've just returned from a two-week trip on the road with the family.

I'm not sure how I got suckered into such a thing, but it had a lot to do with the Hubs and his rotten childhood. You see, The Hubs was raised in a home where road trips were never done. He had this idea that driving across the country is a romantic and fun adventure best shared with the people closest to you. He envisioned the four of us playing "I Spy" for hours and singing Kumbaya as we wound our way through beautiful countryside. At least I think that's what he imagined when he proposed the idea of a road trip.

I was horrified. I'll be the first to admit: I'm a spoiled rotten woman who prefers to travel the quickest way possible to anywhere. I've been on road trips as a child and I still get the shakes when I think about using gas station bathrooms in Bum Fuck, Ohio and orange construction signs make me break out in a cold sweat.

The PIWTPITT Review of "Magic Mike XXL"

DISCLAIMER: I don't think there are any spoilers in here, but I can't be certain. It's no secret what this movie is about. There are no huge plot twists that will shock you if I accidentally reveal them to you. However, if you haven't seen "Magic Mike XXL" and you suspect this might ruin it for you, then DON'T READ.

Last year, my friend Sandy and I went to see the first "Magic Mike" movie. We shared the theater with a bunch of over-dressed, under-sexed cougars. At the end of the movie we decided that there was way too much talkie-talkie and not enough strippy-strippy. So, when I heard that "Magic Mike XXL" was coming and I was promised that there would a lot less chattering and a lot more rump-shaking, I called up Sandy and said, "We've got to go!" I also roped my friend, Teri, into coming with us. She'd been invited for the first go-round, but she couldn't come and she ended up watching "Magic Mike" on her television at home. So not the way that movie is meant to be enjoyed. Unless you can see every ripple on Joe Manganiello's abs up close on a the big screen, it's like he worked out for nothing. We OWE it to Joe to see his abs up close.
The boys are back and they're more talkative than ever!!
This time we were prepared though. The first time we were a little taken aback by all the giggling and hollering. This time we decided we'd join in the fun.

Oh My God, I'm Going on a Road Trip to See You

The Hubs and I have been married for thirteen years and for thirteen years he has suggested we take a road trip.

I don't know about you, but I am not a big fan of the road trip. Especially with kids. I grew up driving cross country to see relatives and those are not some of my fondest memories. I remember being wedged into the backseat with a suitcase under my feet and my brother, C.B., totally invading my side of the car. "I'm not touching you. Maybe my pillow is touching you, Jenni! I can't control what my pillow touches." I remember looking out the window at the bumper to bumper traffic and fantasizing about jumping out of the car and running away from C.B. and his stupid pillow that was obviously touching me. I remember my dad trying not to swear at the bad drivers around him. "Where do you do you think you're going? We're all stuck here, jack--" and "You just went to the bathroom an hour ago. We're finally getting somewhere and you want me to stop? What the hell?" My dad perfected his one-handed driving technique so he could crank down his window and flip the bird with the other hand. (Yes, my rage-filled apple didn't fall far from the tree.)

I Hate the Family Who Abandoned Their Child in Kohl's

I woke up in THE crappiest mood today. I was feeling a lot more irritated than usual. I thought maybe I'd check my email and see if someone had sent me a cat video that would cheer me up. Instead I saw a headline that caught my eye: No Relatives Show Up to Claim 5-Year-Old Left at Kohl's After Attempted Theft.

What the actual fuck???

I read the article and I immediately wanted to burn something down. Starting with the home of the fuckwit grandmother who abandoned this child after she got caught stealing shit from Kohl's.

"Magic Mike" - the PIWTPITT Review

Where's the beef?
DISCLAIMER:  I don't think there are any spoilers in here, but I can't be certain.  I think we all know what this movie is about.  I'm not going to reveal any plot twists or the ending, or anything like that.  However, if by reading this review, the mystery of "Magic Mike" is now ruined for you, I'm sorry.  Now, go get a life. 

If you are a faithful reader, you will know that my friend Sandy really wants to see "Magic Mike."  She's been talking about it for a couple of weeks now and she was trying to get a couple of us to go with her.  Our friends all declined for one reason or another.  Sandy turned to me in her hour of need.  What was I supposed to say?  What kind of friend lets another friend go and watch prosthetic penises flop around in a fringed nut sack alone?  I knew that if nothing else, there would be delightful eye candy (and I love eye candy as much as the next person) and there would be something good to write about.  I am happy to say, "Magic Mike" delivered on both of these fronts.

So let me set the scene for you:

Stay At Home Dads Aren't Real Men?

So The Hubs wrote a guest post the other day called 7 Complaints of a Stay at Home Dad. I shared it on Facebook, because I'm a good wife who likes to support my sad sack of a husband. At least that's what this chick Molly would say. She read the Hubs' post and then got her panties in a twist and left this message for me:

Of course my awesome readers attacked because the blog is called People I Want to Punch in the Throat, not fucking Unicorns and Rainbows. My people are ragers and Molly pushed their buttons. So then she came back with:

I Met Jen Lancaster and She Was the Bomb!

Hey guys, it's been a busy few weeks and I thought I'd catch you up on what's been going on. I know, I know. You're always sitting around wondering to yourself, “I wonder what Jen's been doing lately? I sure wish she'd write me a note and let me know what she's up to.” Lucky you, I've got a story for you. How about when I met my new BFF, Jen Lancaster recently? (OK, she doesn't know we're BFFs just yet, but soooooon she'll figure out we belong together.)

So, a few weeks ago I went to a book signing for Jen Lancaster. You know who Jen is, right? She's only one of the funniest lady writers out there. Her first book, Bitter is theNew Black, kind of changed my life. That was the first time I read a book about a woman doing ridiculous things, lamenting over first world problems, and swearing like a sailor. I thought to myself, “Wait. Stupid shit happens to me all the time and I swear so much I can make a Marine blush. You can get paid for this?? What the hell have I been doing with my life until now?” Also it was the first time a book truly made me guffaw. That's a level of laugh I don't often reach.

Top 7 Complaints of a Stay at Home Dad

Father's Day is coming and the Hubs wanted to guest post. It's been a while since he last guest posted because you never know what he's going to say. He likes to tell the world my lady garden needs tending or that the only way he can get our kids to behave is through bribes. I decided to throw caution to the wind and let him do it again, but only because I love him so damn much. Especially when he agrees to babysit our kids.

More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

A few months ago I wrote this list of annoying Facebook habits.  Today I have some more to add:

1.  Adults who post they going to accompany their spouse and/or partner to doctors' appointments.

Busy day!  Took the day off today so I could take Brennan to lunch and then the dentist!

WTF?  You are grown adults.  Unless you are required to have anesthesia you do not need a designated driver for the dentist.  Grow a pair, Brennan, and drive yourself.

2.  Anyone who posts their Pinterest pins.  When you pin something and it asks if you want to notify all your friends on Facebook, just say NO.  None of us care about most of that crap.  Plus, if I want to see what your dream kitchen looks like, I'll check out your Pinterest account.

And for the love of all things holy, stop with the Keep Calm and Carry On/Pet a Puppy/Watch Out for Zombies/whatever new fucking thing is we're saying now.

Craziest Baby Names of 2014 Are Crazier Than Usual

What did you call me?
I've been ranting -- I mean writing -- about the same things for years and one of the recurring topics that I can't quit is baby names. I think many of you know this by now, because many, many, many of you sent me the same article over the last few days.

It's the 12 Craziest New Baby Names from 2014.

These are the whackadoodle names that whackadoodle parents invented for their babies.

For instance, there were 11 boys named Million this year and one named Amillion. I'm going to go ahead and say that 2015 will be the year of Gazillion and Shittonofmoney.

I'm a Good Mom. Or Why I Shaved My Legs Before Summer.

Some day when my children are complaining that their childhood sucked or that I didn't love them, I will remind them of the time I took them to Great Wolf Lodge.

I even put on wolf ears and posed for a picture!

We are lucky, because GWL (that's what the cool people who go there all the time call Great Wolf Lodge) is very close to us. I've never been though. Every year my parents like to take all the grandkids for a weekend and the Hubs and I run around the house screaming for joy and eating junk food without anyone bugging us for a bite.

MotherFreakingHood! Who's With Me?

There are several things I love about blogging. One is the friendships I make with YOU (my fabulous and wonderful readers) and another is the friendships I make with my fellow writers. We've got quite a nice community going, don't you think? I love laughing and commiserating with all of my "Internet friends" about things that make me want to punch someone in the throat. A topic that never gets old is vaginas. Wait. That's wrong. It's MOTHERHOOD.

Or as my amazeballs Internet friend, Julie Dunlap, calls it: MotherFreakingHood.

My Funny Bone Probably Needs Some Fixing

You might remember that this year I've partnered with as one of their #TalkEarly bloggers. It's been a really good partnership for me, because I'm learning a lot about myself. Last month I took a closer look at mydrinking habits. This month I'm re-examining my funny bone with their #RefreshYourFunny campaign.

Anyone Who Would Try and Give Me a Birth Wreath

It was recently brought to my attention that there is yet another event that needs to be memorialized and decorated to the nth degree: giving birth.

I know what you're thinking. But Jen, when I gave birth I got flowers and cards and balloons and some meals. What more could I need? 

Well, girl, you missed out. Your birth experience wasn't perfect enough, because your ugly, drab hospital room door was completely and totally unadorned without a Birth Wreath. (I would have put a picture of a birth wreath in here, but shocker, no one would give me permission to use their pic. It was like they thought I might make fun of them or something. Click the link above and you'll see a picture there.) Yup. You needed some bling on that brown, (probably faux) wood thing that just stood there sneering at your guests when they arrived to see your little miracle. How embarrassing for you! Is that how you want your friends, family, and hospital staff to remember your birth experience? What about you? Do you want to remember your friends and family turning up their noses at your horrible hospital-issue (probably handwritten - the horror!!) signage? Baby Boy Jones. Ugh. You should be ashamed!

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf . Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'...

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