Movie Night With Mary

So, I'm on my big girl trip to New Hampshire.  I'm visiting my friend, Mary.  Mary used to live in KC near me and she was my great friend.  I've missed her a lot and I had an opportunity to visit her in her new city so here I am.

One of the things that Mary and I love to do together is go to the movies.  When I arrived Mary already had the movie schedule on her kitchen counter.  We picked an afternoon movie so we'd have time to get back to watch The Oscars.  (Total side note:  Did you see Tina's dress last night?  She looked AH-MAY-ZING.  Looks like she finally got it right.  Joan Rivers and her Fashion Bitches can't say anything bad about my BFF now.  Way to go, bestie!)

Back to my story.  On the way to the theater, Mary and I reminisced about our past escapades at the movie theater.  It's never a dull night (or afternoon) for Mary and I at the movie theater.  We tend to attract drama when we go to the pictures.

Mary was my movie date for "Twilight" a few years ago.  We watched the movie surrounded by tweens and teens on "dates" (loud, face sucking make out sessions).  There was a lot of noise and ruckus going on and Mary and I were not happy.  Here we'd managed to convince our husbands to put the kids to bed that night so we could go watch our silly, teeny bopper Vampire movie; we'd put aside our own time we usually use to read smutty books and fend off our husbands' advances; and these idiots were ruining it!  We were pissed.  You don't get between 30 something women and their sparkly Vampires!

After a few heavy sighs and other passive aggressive clues to pipe the fuck down, I finally yelled, "Hey you guys!  Just.....SHUSH!" and Mary chimed in, "Yeah!"  And then we slunk down in our seats in case they they decided to throw Coke and/or popcorn at us.  Mary couldn't believe I didn't tell them to "Shut the fuck up!" but as I explained to her these were someone's little darlings and I just couldn't do that.  Instead, I went all "Mom" on them and resorted to "SHUSH."  It worked, though.  For another twenty minutes or so until I had to yell "Seriously.  Shush!" and the ballsy man (What self-respecting man goes to watch "Twilight"??  Whoever he was with had better cherish him - he loves you, girl!) chimed in loudly with: "Yes.  I agree!"  Yes.  I agree?  Easy, cowboy, don't go too hard on them.  They're just kids.

Ahh...good times showing punks who the boss is...We were laughing as we walked into the theater tonight and Mary said, "Do you think tonight will be punch worthy?"

I replied, "Nah, I doubt it."

By now you know, I was wrong.

We bought our tickets and our jumbo popcorns and headed to the ticket taker.

The ticket taker was a teenage girl who apparently hated her job.  She was also sick ( know how I feel about people who drag their sick asses to work).
Our ticket taker would never wear this pin.
She kept snorting up her snot (lovely) and she had a frog in her throat when she said, "OH!  You guys can't go in yet.  The theater isn't ready.  You gotta wait over there."  She told us to leave the line while she got on the walkie talkie to ascertain if this was indeed true.  "Hey, Bud?  Is theater one ready?"  No one responded.  She snorted her dripping snot and said to us:  "Yeah, I can't let you guys go yet.  You're wayyyy early."

Huh?  We were?  We stepped out of line and I said, "How early are we?  What the hell?"  I looked at my ticket.  She had made it sound like we were a day early.  Seriously.

I looked at my ticket.  Our movie was going to start in 17 minutes.  WTF?

"Well, what time can we go in?" I asked.  "I don't understand.  The movie is actually going to start in 16 minutes.  What time do you seat people?"

Snotty Frog Girl glared at me.  She tried again in vain to raise anyone on her walkie.  "Bud?  They want to go in."  No response.

"OK.  You know what?  I honestly don't care.  You guys can go in.  I don't care if the theater is ready or not.  Just go ahead."

You don't have to tell us twice.  Mary and I grabbed our tub o'popcorn and headed into what we assumed would be a deserted and trashed theater.

We walked in and found an almost COMPLETELY FULL room.  WTF?!!  There were barely any seats left and from the looks of how low everyone's vat of Coke was, we believe they'd been in there for a good 20 minutes hogging all the good seats!

Mary and I looked around to find two seats together.  The front row was available.  Of course.  We kept looking.

We finally saw two seats together and made our way to them.  I went in first and squeezed in next to a nice, oversized gentleman who breathed a lot like Tony Soprano, but at least gave me the armrest.  I thought I'd lost the seat lottery until Mary sat down in her seat.  Poor Mary's seat was broken and if she didn't sort of learn forward the whole time she was forced to recline in the lap of the woman behind her, which happened more than once.

About the second time Mary's seat malfunctioned, she looked at me from her horizontal position and said, "Ohhhh, this is getting a punch!"

Yes it is, Mary, yes it is.

Getting to Know You

Have I ever mentioned I do my best thinking while blow drying my hair?  Well, I do.  And this morning was no different.

I was thinking about the blog and the comments and the emails I've received and I realized something that's been nagging at me that I just couldn't put my finger on.  I realized that I don't know you.  You're a mystery to me.  Yes, you, the one sitting at the computer reading this.  I know a little bit about the few of your who post comments or send me an email, but there's many of you out there reading who have never said a peep.

I don't know what your likes and dislikes are.  I don't know if you're a SWF (single white female) or a MBM (married black man).  I don't know if you live in Florida or Peru.  I don't know if your favorite color is puce or pewter.  

You know me by now.  You definitely know my likes and dislikes.  You even know my family.  You know my kids' goals for their futures.  You know the Hubs uses Star Wars for just about every important decision that needs to be made in our house.

I want to know you.  Tell me who you are and what makes you tick.  You can make it short and sweet or you can give me the first chapter of your memoirs you've been working on for the last 6 years.

My Crazy Appalachian ER Experience

Re-posted from the archives.

Remember that SNL skit a few years ago about Appalachian Emergency Room?  Last night I witnessed that first hand.  Oh My God.

We are camping at a camp grounds near Excelsior Springs, MO and last night my six year fell and hit his head pretty hard.  We decided to take him to the emergency room for a CT scan.  I was told by the people in the know to skip Excelsior Springs and go straight to Liberty, MO, because that's the "better" ER.

If Liberty is the better ER then I can't even imagine what Excelsior Springs must be like!  I should have known this was going to be an experience when I walked in and saw two police officers standing there.  I asked my cousin, "What do you think they're doing here?"  She said, "Probably a DUI or something."  Nope, I quickly figured out they were there for security.  And I was soon glad they were there.

I was 30 miles from my home and I felt like I was in Deliverance.  White trash doesn't begin to describe it.

Let's start with the 87 pound crack whore slash meth head.  This chick was running around in an oversized t-shirt that was so big I wasn't sure she had pants on.  After a bit I figured out she did.  She kept bopping around the ER alternating between grabbing her crotch and holding her stomach like she was going to be sick.  She carried an ENORMOUS purse with her that must have weighed as much as her and she kept magically pulling Butterfingers and Snickers out of it.  It was like Mary Poppins with a sugar problem.  She would devour these candy bars like...well, like an 87 pound crack whore slash meth head coming down off a high.  Think rabid beaver.  She was with her boyfriend (?) who was sporting a hot wife beater and skull tattoos.  Pretty soon she hopped up and said, "Oh!  It's time to give my sample!"  She returned with her urine sample in hand and sat down to enjoy a Milky Way.  WTF?

Next was a man who had sawed through his finger.  He had it wrapped in a paper towel and was told to take a number.  I would think a sawed through finger might take precedent over anyone who needs to give a urine sample, but he had to wait behind the crack whore slash meth head.  He sat there and watched "Malcolm in the Middle" and held his paper towel wrapped finger and tried to look like it didn't hurt too much.

We were called in to see the triage nurse and she asked us some "standard" questions.

"Is he exposed to secondhand smoke?'
"No," I replied.
"Of ANY kind?"  She clarified.
"Not cigarette or ANY other kind of smoke," I replied.

"How many carbonated beverages does he consume in a day?  One to two?  Three to four?  Five or more?"
"None," I replied.
"None?"  She asked.  "That means Coke and Sprite."
"Yes, I understand the question," I said.  "He doesn't drink carbonated beverages."

"Well, if he doesn't drink Coke, then I'm pretty sure the next question doesn't apply."
"What is it?" I asked.
"Does he ever consume alcoholic beverages?"
I choked and then thought I'd be a smart ass and replied, "Oooh, yeah, we don't let him drink Sprite, but he loves a cold Bud with his dinner every night."
It took her a full ten seconds to laugh.  I think she's met A LOT of crazy parents.

After this we were sent back out to waiting room to wait to see a doctor.  That's when we saw the parents of the year carrying their baby out from seeing the doctor.

Mom looked about 17 and she also looked like she might be a meth addict.  Dad was probably closer to 19 and I don't think he'd bathed in a week.  Baby looked feverish and ill and was dressed in a grimy diaper and nothing else.  Mom was snapping at Dad to hurry up and Dad was already fumbling for a ciggie.  (I guess I'll give them props that they're both in their baby's life and they sought medical care for their sick baby, but that's the best I can do.)

We had a new patient in the waiting room.  An obese, smelly tattoo covered woman in a wheel chair with a bag of her own vomit.  She was attended by a filthy looking man who kept touching her.  She was clearly annoyed by this and really only wanted to continually check her phone and/or moan.

I can't say with certitude (my new favorite word) but I THINK she was the one in the room next to us back in the ER who was vomiting their guts up and crying.

Soon my son's name was called and we were whisked back to the ER and we saw three really nice, normal medical professionals who took excellent care of my son.  When I came out to tell my cousin and uncle to go ahead and leave us there, even my stoic, non-gossipy uncle whispered to me, "It's been REAL interesting out here.  You've missed a lot."  And my cousin (who is a gossipy gal and a realty TV junkie just like me) said, "Oh my God, they should make a reality show in this waiting room.  It's NUTS."  I can't wait to hear what I missed!

So my question to the good people of Liberty is:  Are soap and water expensive in the Liberty area?  Is there any reason why everyone who came in looked like they hadn't touched water in weeks?  Do you melt if water touches you?  Is it illegal to wash clothes in Liberty?  Is it illegal to dress your children?

From what I gather, the thriving businesses in the area are the meth/crack dealers; convenience stores that sell cigarettes, diapers and candy bars; tattoo parlors; and cell phone providers (all of these crackers had expensive phones!).

Weekly Wrap up 2.24.12

Fairly uneventful week this week.  Lots of good comments though, so that's always fun since I'm a comment whore.

Top Read Posts:

Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today - This is just one of my typical keep-your-hands-off-my-uterus-and-I'll-keep-my-hands-off-your-boner-pills rants.  I heard lots of voices on this one and I was interested in reading all of the comments.  It can get pretty nasty out there in the comments section, please try not to attack one another too much, would ya?  We've all got our opinions and we all feel strongly, but we're never going to convince one another if we're calling each other names.  I don't care if you're liberal or conservative, ALL women should sit up and take notice that our rights to choose what's best for us is being infringed upon and we should ALL be nervous about that, because who knows what's next?  

More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook - After the girl power rant I thought this would be a funny, little laugh fest, but of course, a few Debbie Downers got all pissy.  What gives?  It's funny, because it's true.  It's funny, because we are ALL guilty of this stuff.  You gotta laugh at yourselves, people.  Life is too short to be such a sour puss.

The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While - Gomer and Adolpha go on a car ride with me and discuss their futures and I try not to drive into the ditch.

The People We Met at the Soccer Game - We went to a really fun soccer game and had a great time people watching.

How Best to Control Your Kids - The Hubs is baaaack.  The Hubs had this idea that he wanted me to write about.  I tried to write it and it turned out terrible.  He read it and tried to fix it and then he started talking about incorporating The Force and Darth Vader and I just said, "You know what?  I think you'd better write this, because I haven't got a clue what you're getting at."  He did a darn good job for his second time at bat - even the Star Wars reference finally made sense to me!  

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and my responses):

I'm with you on this! I couldn't believe the "panel" they lined up to discuss this issue. I'm Catholic and I'm totally embarrassed that this has become basically a fight between my church and the government. Hey, if you are willing to accept federal money, then you have to play by their rules. It's simple. And besides that, every Catholic woman I know who is my age (42) or younger is or has been on birth control at some point. The Catholic church is so out of touch with their congregation. I wish they'd fight for the poor and hungry with as much vigor as they are for this issue that takes away women's rights. Ahhhhhhh! on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

You're absolutely right - imagine what they could do for the poor and hungry.

What do you think would happen to the divorce rate if married couples stopped having sex except for the times they were trying to conceive? Don't have sex is the worst argument for this debate I have ever heard!  on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

I agree totally, but don't tell the Hubs it's the worst argument I could get a week of uninterrupted reading if he believed this.

Any person, man or woman who would dare try to tell me what to do with MY body would get a punch in the throat. I strongly feel that the government needs to stay out of the health care issue completely. I feel as though all companies needs to be responsible enough to cover the costs of birth control ... there are enough unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. The cost to cover birth control is far less than the cost to cover a birth & hospital stay. Women all over should be outraged & should be opening up their mouths.. & to the moron who said "put an aspirin between our knees".. go f*** off!!!  on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

I'm normally a Republican voter as well but I am absolutely horrified by the current pick of candidates. Between this issue, gay marraige and my hate of Obama, I think I'll be staying home on election day because I don't want any of them. on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

Why aren't more women upset with GOP candidate Rick Santorum's comments on women, rape, and pregnancy? He has stated that women who become raped should make the best of a bad situation and consider no option other than raising the baby. This douche canoe is giving chucklhead Mitt Romney a serious run for his money in the primaries. If douche canoe becomes the candidate against Obama you would think someone so radical would not win but not unless people's voices are heard. I am a man, but I am husband to a wife, a son to a mother, a brother to 2 sisters and aspirin asshole and sack of shit Santorum pisses me off. So, I know they must piss women off in that deep soulful angry way Adele is always carrying on about! Let's get fired up! Or if Santorum wins this Afghanistan war veteran and his family are going to move to Barbados (let's face it-its a little more original than stomping off to Canada, it is chill without being chilly, and it is actually a different country, not America Lite!) on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

 I keep hoping Santorum and his popularity is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon.

This mandate is about more than just getting the Catholic Church to pay for birth control. It's about taking away our freedoms. Everyone should be concerned about this. I am not a crazy conservative, but I am a conservative and I totally support the teachings of the Catholic Church. I live my faith otherwise why call myself a Catholic? on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

Jenn, you're losing me with political views and non-lesbian girl crushes.....lesbian girl crushes I understand but non-lesbian girl crushes are just creepy....I read your blog to laugh at your sarcastic humor.....not to hear that you want to force people to do things that go against their religious beliefs and have a crush on Tina Fey on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

Don't know what to tell you.  This is who I am.  See ya.

Every time I post about this topic, I lose Facebook and twitter followers. Not that I care as I don't need those people following me, but the point is - people are living in the 1800s. This is a war against women, make no buts about it - anyone who tells you different is blind. But I will say, I speak with my pocketbook. I donate to Planned Parenthood and other related reproductive organizations. I proudly identify myself as feminist and get irritated when other women are like "Oh we have our rights now so why do you keep fighting and complaining". I say shame on any woman who doesn't fight for their rights - esp reproductive. I think many women are brainwashed to aspire to be like Paris Hilton and all those braindead wastes of space on reality tv. WAKE UP people. on Why It Sucks to be a Woman Today

My goal is to find a way that your column can replace my "People" magazine as bathroom reading. That is the highest of compliments! on The People We Met at the Soccer Game

That is high praise indeed.  

Guess "older" 50 year olds can't go to a soccer game without kids? What's with that comment? I'm in my 50's and if I want to go to a scoccer game or any other event I will. Sorry, but that comment want me to PYITT. on The People We Met at the Soccer Game

That's not at all what I said.  I said was she was an older woman at a family-friendly event and she didn't seem to like kids being seated around her and it confused me as to why she was there if she didn't like kids around her.

This is exactly why I avoid the general public. I rarely eat out any more, I watch movies from the comfort of my own home, and I try not to attend ball games (especially football games - the annoyance level is way above what I can handle). Sorry your family fun night was ruined by the self-absorbed. on The People We Met at the Soccer Game

Our night wasn't ruined at all.  We had a great time and we will definitely be back.  If nothing else, I need another souvenir ball and it was great people watching.

Interesting...your kids blog names In my mind match your kids conversation. When I hear Gomer I think of the Andy Griffith show. When I hear Adolpha I think of a super cool independent chick in NYC. I absolutely love your blog and can't wait for a few minutes alone from my three kids to read it and laugh my ass off! on The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While

My daughter and son are the same.  MY son asked me when you should have a child and I said "When you have an education, a career, a nice house, 6-9 months of savings and a great marriage" and my daughter blurted out "So a kid can come and ruin all that!"  Touche, Mary, Touche. on The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While

How about the people who create Facebook profiles for their animals and/or children and then post status updates in the voice of their said animals/children. Here is an actual example from a dog (who has twice as many friends as I do) profile: "we had a couple hours of winter yesterdays wit da snow blowing just a lil bits. today we back to warm and sunny. tinks me and Macy will hangs out outside all days. dat ok wit youz momma?" Gag me with a spoon. on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

Yeah, your friends are crazier than mine.  I have nothing like that.

OH SHIT. I'm a twitter-er/facebooker (they're connected) AND I'm a hashtagging WHORE. However, I can admit that I have a problem. =) I do not generally post dinner pictures, although I have been known to post pictures of candy or doughnuts!!!! Um AND I check in. Wow, I surely did hit many of the items on your list. Please excuse me while I got stab myself in the temple with a letter opener now. on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

Yikes...I'm guilty of most of that to one degree or another...except the Hashtags, sonogram pic and ass kissing...but I've been known to check-in, post scripture AND upload a picture of my dinner all at the same time...guess I'm a bit of an over achiever...:)  on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

hate to add to the list... but bloggers who post the link to the same blog at different times of the day... on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

You didn't "hate" to add that to the list.  How slow is your feed that I'm clogging it up with 2 posts a day of the same blog post?

I happen to appreciate that one because I am usually a "late-nighter"! on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

Bwahahaha. Guilty of a few of these. Happy to give you blog fodder. I can't pretend my life is more interesting than mundane things like the awesome dinner I made or all the errands I managed to get done. Seriously, though, what IS a good FB status? (besides sharing a link to your blog, of course)  on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

There are no appropriate FB updates (except links to my blog is correct).  We are all guilty of these things.  I talk about laundry all the time, I don't photograph food, because I don't cook, but I do post a lot of pics of my kids being "cute."  I comment on the weather, I link news stories that interest me, I don't post scripture, but I've been known to post silly inspirational stuff.  The truth is, as much as it "annoys" me, I can't get enough, I am constantly checking people's updates just to see what's going on and what I'm missing.

Here's what confuses me- Facebook asks for a status update. If my current status is doing chores, or hanging out with my daughter, or one of the hundred other things that "annoy" all of you- why shouldn't I post that? If you're so sensitive that you can't handle reading someone's status updates without flying into a rage get the fuck off FB. on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

No one's in a rage.  I'm just poking fun.  Chill.

I used bribery last night to get my Kindergartner to do her homework. The "reward" 15 minutes on my elliptical machine.  I only wish something could motivate me to to get on that thing. Oh well, at least it is getting used by someone. on How Best to Control Your Kids

The People We Met at the Soccer Game

The Hubs and I had an opportunity to take our kids to a Comets (professional indoor soccer) game this weekend with some friends and we had the pleasure of sharing air space with some real gems of society.

The first was the 50-something lady sitting in front of us who kept giving my family the stink eye every time our kids cheered for the team or got excited.  Hellooooo....we're at a soccer game, we're allowed to cheer.  This isn't golf or tennis, you moron.

She was also very concerned about her hair.  She had longish curly hair that practically rested at our feet.  It was quite large and poufy and it was constantly being "fluffed" in our direction and she'd get irritated if anyone came near to touching her hair.  Well then get it out of my kids' cotton candy space!

I've never been to a Comets game before, but it felt very family-friendly and it seemed really geared towards kids with loud music, constant activity and freebies thrown into the stands every few minutes.  Because of this, it seemed strange to me that this older woman and her husband (?) would come alone to the game, sit with two seats between them and never interact with one another until one would suggest they go get some more food.  If you don't like noisy kids who touch your hair then what the hell are you doing here and why don't you use that banana clip you've got clipped to your zebra print purse??

The space between our rows was quite narrow and a few times in their excitement, my kids kicked her seat back.  After the second time, she turned around and stated, "We are not going to do this.  I will not sit here this whole game and have them kick the back of my seat."  I was surprised she actually spoke up and at first I was irritated, but then I realized this is exactly what would bother me too.  So, I smiled sweetly and made my kids apologize and told her we'd try to be more careful.  She hurumphed and turned her back on me.  This pissed me off.  We are trying to do the right thing and you're still going to be a total bitch?  Fine.  It was on.  I gave her my best eye roll I could come up with and went back to enjoying the game.  After a few more minutes, the team scored and my friend's son rejoiced and accidentally kicked the back of her chair.  Again.  Doh!  She glared again at the kids.

I looked down the row and saw there were some empty seats further down from the Hubs with no one in front of them.  I asked the Hubs to move down a couple of seats so that I could sit behind the lady.  I made a big production that we were moving, just so she'd notice (yeah, I can be passive aggressive like the best of them) and we settled into our new seats.  She didn't even turn around.  So my friend was sure to pat her on the shoulder and say, "Just wanted you to know, we moved down so the kids won't bother you now."  The lady still didn't turn around to acknowledge her.  Sheesh.  Just goes to show, sometimes there are people out there you can never please.  I sure hope that between our three kids, surely one of them got some cotton candy in her hair.

The other gems we met were the family who sat behind us (and were kind enough NOT to kick our seats).  This family seemed nice enough when we sat down.  It was a father, a mother and two middle school aged girls who kept making the rounds through the stadium visiting friends in suites.  We smiled at one another and sort of nodded the way you do when you're going to have share the same area for the next hour and a half.  They seemed normal enough until the Comets scored their first goal.

The tradition is, the player who scores throws out a couple small, signed plastic soccer balls.  The Comets scored and the player threw a ball into the stands and it was coming right towards us.  The Hubs stood up and stuck his hand out and he caught the ball.  A nice little souvenir for Gomer.  What the Hubs didn't know was that when he went for the ball so did the man behind him.  The man actually grabbed the Hubs a bit because he started to fall over the seats in his excitement reaching for the ball.  He found his footing and we all had a good chuckle until the Hubs handed the ball to Gomer.  That's when the fun stopped.  As soon as they realized we were going to keep the ball, the woman said, "Heyyyy....that was for me.  The guy looked right at me before he threw it.  That was mine."  I looked to see if she was teasing, but she was dead serious.  "That was for me."  She meant it!  Her kids were gone at this point and it was just these two goofballs sitting there glaring at my kid and his freebie.  I gave the Hubs a look that said, "HUH?" and he just raised an eyebrow back at me and shook his head slightly.  Gomer was looking nervous like we might give his souvenir to the grown ass lady whining behind him.

Don't worry, Gomer, not gonna happen. I never give into whiners.

We just turned around and ignored them.  We continued to watch the game and every time I'd glance behind me if the woman wasn't reapplying her lip gloss or re-braiding her adorable loose side braid, I could swear the woman was looking longingly at the ball in Gomer's hands.  Creepy.

At the half time they threw some more balls into the crowd.  The mascot was throwing them this time.  He pointed right at me.  Just like braid lady I could tell he was saying, "Jen, this one is for you - get ready!"  I was ready.  Adolpha still needed a ball and I wanted this one.  The mascot hit the ball with a racquet and it sailed high up towards the ceiling.  I lost the ball in the lights for a moment and then suddenly, I saw it.  It was coming right at me!  I got my hands up; ready to catch the ball.  I watched it come closer and closer to me, it was going to land right in my hands!  Almost there.....


The braid lady's husband had reached over my head and batted the ball out of my range!!

It fell several rows in front of me and a grown man ("gentleman") caught it and realized a child would enjoy it more than him so he tossed to the young boys sitting near him.  That's how it's done, idiot!

I turned around and the asshat and his lip glossed wife were high fiving each other like he was Lamar Odom blocking the game winning shot from Jeremy Lin (we have Lin-sanity over here, the Hubs is Asian).  "Lamar" just shrugged his shoulders at me as if to say, "Whoops."

Are you kidding me with this shit?  That ball was for my kid, you asshat!  And, honestly, I probably would have fumbled it and he could have made a legitimate catch.  He didn't want to though.  He just wanted to make sure I didn't catch it.  Fucker.

I ignored them after that.  There was no way in hell I was going to start a fight with a deranged couple over a plastic soccer ball (plus poufy haired lady might get his back and then I'd be screwed).  All I can say is if blocking a 5 foot tall woman from getting a ball for her kid makes him feel like a big man then I feel sorry for braid lady, because I can only imagine how small his penis must be.

Even Gomer figured out what happened.  He said to me, "Mom, it was like that guy didn't want us to get two balls.  He thought, 'Your husband stopped my wife and now I'm going to show you the payback of a man!'"

I can't make this shit up.

Why It Sucks to be a Woman Today

As you know by now, I believe strongly in rights for women and I absolutely can not stand it when politicians, (mostly celibate) clergyMEN, and anyone else starts telling me (and my daughter) what I can and can not do with my reproductive organs and how much they expect me to pay for these "rights."

I don't understand why this is even a debate about religious freedom.  This is not an attack on religion, it is an attack on women thinly disguised as an attack on religion.  To me, the argument is simple:  religious institutions accept government money, thus they must follow the healthcare mandate that has been put to them by the government that gave them the money.  If the institution has female employees they should not be able to say which ailments/conditions/medications/etc. they are willing to pay for.  That is discrimination.  That's why I believe this is a war on women.  Believe me, if this was about paying for erectile dysfunction meds or prostate exams, the guys would be allllll over that.

Why are men at the forefront of this controversy?  I am just amazed that once again men are waging war against women.  Yes, men are waging this war.  Have you seen the charming gentlemen who suggested we stick an aspirin between our knees?

And I find it frightening that I haven't hardly heard a peep from a woman.  Where are the women?  Why aren't the women speaking up and saying exactly what they want?  I'm not saying that every woman is on my side.  I know there are women out there who agree with these guys, but even they aren't speaking out and saying this is what they want.

What is going on???  Where are our voices???  Why do we as women sit there and allow men to tell us what to do with our own bodies???

Ladies, men would never let us get away with this kind of behavior.  Why aren't more women angry?  Why aren't women concerned about this latest attack?

Don't let these men make laws that affect your bodies without at least speaking up - for or against.  Let them know how you feel and let them know what you want.

Do you really want to pay $100 or more in co-pays each month for contraception?  Do you really want an unplanned pregnancy because you couldn't afford your co-pay?

I sure don't.

Here is my birth control story:  I am almost 40 years old.  I can not have another baby.  I am too old and I am too poor to afford another one.  The Hubs and I are a bit "explosive" together.  He looks at me cross eyed and I get pregnant.  I got pregnant with Gomer when I was on the Pill and then I got pregnant with Adolpha the first day I went off the Pill.  After Adolpha I knew we were done with our family and I asked my doctor for his advice since the Pill was not effective for me and no one who's married likes condoms.  He recommended an IUD.  I love it.  I have had the same IUD now for 5 years and 1 month.  The expiration in the United States on the Mirena is 5 years.  (In other parts of the world, the same Mirena is "good" for another 2 years - don't even get me started on the drug companies and their B.S.)  I need another IUD.  When I got the one I have now, I paid a co-pay of $750.  In those days, the Hubs had a good job and good insurance and we could afford that.  Today we are both self-employed and we pay a small fortune for crappy insurance that probably will cover very little of my new IUD.  I haven't even had the guts to call my doctor to find out what my new IUD will cost (I can only imagine).  Instead, I'm hoping that France got it right when they said my Mirena would work effectively for 7 years, because if it doesn't I'm afraid the system is going to have another welfare baby on their hands.

Weekly Wrap Up 2.17.12

What a week!!!  First, I'd like to welcome all my new readers.  Hellooooo.  Welcome.  Just a quick note, I swear a lot, I'm feisty and I can be offensive at times.  I hope you stick around, but I understand if I piss you off in a week or so and you head for the hills.  It happens to the more narrow minded folk (shit, I probably just lost someone with that comment).

I picked up a lot of new readers this week because I was a media whore darling.  Let's see, first Huffington Post kept up my Things I Could Do Before I Had Children from last week, then the Comedy section of HP grabbed my love letter to Tina Fey, then HP Parents came back again and featured Passive Parents.  I think HP wants to be my Valentine, but I'm not sure yet.  I also was featured on BlogHer this week.  They ran my Busy People Who Complain They're Busy piece.  My world domination plan is coming together now.  

Now that I'm getting picked up by legitimate news organizations they would like me to have pictures that I have the rights to.  I've added a new button on my blog here called Want a Punch?  If you're willing to let me "punch" your blog and use the pictures and/or content on your blog, please list it in the comments section of that page.  I will notify you when I'm going to use your material and I'll give you a link back.  You could get some decent traffic if you have a good sense of humor and you're willing to let me poke fun at you.  I tend to need stuff that's crafty, kids and/or pets related.  If you know someone who knows someone who has a blog that fits this criteria, feel free to let them know too.  All are welcome!

The Top Read Post This Week Were:

The Over Achievers Are at it Again - Those OAMs were out in force this week celebrating Valentine's Day.  I was so thrilled to see so many of my OAM readers stand up and take the first step towards recovery:  acceptance of who they are.  Way to go, ladies!!  But don't recover too quickly, your antics are gold for my blog.  I can't wait to see what you do with President's Day!!

The Elf made another appearance for Valentine's too.  Crazy!  I'm thinking of posing my Elf on the Shelf next to the pool this summer just so I can get a bit more play out of him.  Who knew??

Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me" - The Hubs guest posted.  He made a fairly interesting list about why he should have more alone time with me.  He's pretty excited he's still on the list this week.

For My Secret Valentine - My love letter to Tina Fey "The Colonel" from her number 1 fan "The Jeneral."  I still have not heard from Tina, but I haven't given up hope.  I'm pretty sure she's in the process of taking out a restraining order against me.  Of course my dad came up with the idea that Tina should work my letter into an episode of "30 Rock" that I could guest star in.  See?  You thought I was a narcissist.  I'm the small dreamer in the family. 

Valentine's Day Response - This was my response to the Hubs' list.  Some people thought I was hard on him, especially telling him to work on looking less pickle-like, but when you call out a lady's maintenance issues, the gloves are off.  I got what I wanted though: "Breaking Dawn" (that we laughed through - WHEN will they get a decent makeup artist on those movies??) and a heart shaped pizza.  Romance, baby!

List of Mini Punches - This was a repost of a bunch of things that bug me.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and my responses) Were:

Ok! Feel free to punch me! I actually enjoy doing things with my child or FOR my child, and me crazy but I like to put thought and creativity into it! You sound lazy with no imagination. Your kids are only young once why don't you enjoy it and be that fun Mom I'm sure they want. If you would spend half the time on creating fun Valentines as you do on this hater rant you call a blog then maybe your Valentines would have been worth more than something I'm sure other parents just chucked in their trash! on The Overachievers Are at it Again

Believe me when I tell you this.  My kids could care a fuck about cute Valentines.  My kids enjoyed making their own "masterpieces" that looked like crap, but were all their own creation with a little help from me on the tattoos.  And I don't doubt for a second that all those Valentines they made ended up in their friends' trash, but believe me so did yours.  NO ONE saves ANYONE'S Valentines.

Your choice of language is atrocious. Being crass by using obscenity is demeaning. on The Overachievers Are at it Again

I love when I let Anonymous commenters back in.  I always get a chicken shit like this telling me to watch my mouth.  My response is and always will be, Fuck off, would you please?  

At some point, you should give a nod to the under-achievers too. My kid is in daycare (he's 3). The teacher sent a list of the 9 kids in the class so you could write out a valentine. One of the mothers actually wrote the valentine to "Gracie's friend at school". My son's name is 3 letters - it would have been easier to just use the darn list. on The Overachievers Are at it Again

Our preschool asked the kids to just put their own names on the cards and not their friends.  It made it easier for distribution.  I got the memo too late or else I would have totally done that.  It took her forever to write everyone's names.

I just spit out my coffee on the line "I didn't realize the teacher was my sweetheart"....hilarious :)  on The Overachievers Are at it Again

Oh good, I was beginning to get a complex because no one had spit anything out in weeks.  Glad to see I've still "got it."

Okay, I'll admit it. *ahem* I like to make cutesy crafty things for my kids to give out so that people will tell me how great I am. I totally made the V-day card of my kid holding her arm out so that it looks like she's handing you the sucker. And I did it because I like a challenge (though it wasn't as hard as I thought) and because I did not want to have to argue with her about Princess Valentines versus My Little Pony Valentine's versus tattoos or pencils or whatever the hell else. And don't even get me started on her penmanship. I made an executive decision and had those things done in less time than it took me to assemble my materials. Plus I had to go to Target for the lollipops and when I go to Target, everybody wins, especially the Target stockholders (you're welcome). I didn't make the reindeer cakeballs with preztel antlers and I didn't make the turkey cupcakes that had Nutter Butters for heads and sugar glue dots for eyes, but I did craft it up for V-Day because as I on The Over Achievers Are at it Again

Woohoo!  An admission.  Nice work. Thanks for owning it and seeing the humor.  And thank you for feeding my illness and leaving me a comment.

I didn't read through your 194 comments, so I apologize if this is already in here already... but I want to punch people who use Starbucks as their own personal office. Sure, I spend hours on end here (I'm actually at Starbucks now) blogging and such, but I don't conduct interviews/sales calls/lead meetings here. I don't talk about "sensitive" information and hand out dirty looks when the person next to me eavesdrops. And I certainly don't stand in the middle of the store and practice presentations. I know I should mind my own business, but it's hard to take my eyes of you when you are walking around in mini-circles, mouthing words and making small hand gestures. It's distracting, and you look like an idiot (although that part I actually enjoy a little).  on Got a Punch?

Oooh, sounds like I need to be spending more time at my local Starbucks - great material for the blog.  Thanks for the tip!

You live in KS? I live in KS! Well raised here, then moved to the East Coast. NOw back again. You're right, it doesn't blow as much as you'd think. I love all the Wizard of Oz references don't you? What part of KS? I could totally see myself plotting to punch the same people in the throat. You say all I want to say aloud, but would probably be frowned upon. Keep it up, you make my days bright ;o)  on Who is Jen?

I'm just the opposite.  Raised on the East Coast, came here, moved back to the East Coast and now I'm back in KS again - Overland Park.  When I moved away from NYC my boss gave me a cake with the yellow brick road on it for my going away party.  They love that Oz shit on the East Coast. 

I have a blogging punch in the throat I would like to give out. The people who visit my blog for the first time ever and say something to the effect of "Hey, love your blog. Come follow me." Basically, anyone who only contacts you so they can ask to be followed. They drive me nuts and clutter up my page. on Got a Punch?

Good point. I appreciate your comment. Can you follow me now?

Boobs! You forgot boobs! Totally miss them. on Things I Could do Before I had Children

Mine are still hanging around....just near my knees.

Jen... I've been reading since about November. You say so many of the things I want to say on a daily7 basis, and I'm single with no kids! You make me laugh out loud during my lunch breaks and I thank you for that. You actually inspired me to stop being so afraid to start my own blog for fear that people would judge me. I started today... whoop di doo! Thank you for your inspiration. on Don't Make Me Punch You

I'm glad you started your own blog and I wish you great success.  Be warned though no matter what you say on your blog some asshat will judge you.  Get ready.  It hurts the first time.  But the good news is, you have a delete button so you don't even have to read their judgmental crap.  Good luck!

Jen, you are my secret girl crush! I'd totally have lunch and go shopping with you if Tina's too busy! on For My Secret Valentine

Thanks, I could use a new bestie. It's not looking like Tina and I are going to work out.

Bossypants & the Jeneral - now that would be a lunchdate to remember! on For My Secret Valentine

I know!  Right?  She really needs to call me.

I feel it is my duty to point out the ways sex is NOTHING like running a marathon. 1. There are crowds of supporters cheering you on along the way. They do not care how long it is taking you to get to the finish line. 2. Upon crossing said finish line, you are given a medal. It matters not how crappy your overall performance was. You crossed the finish line? Medal for you. 3. There are tents FULL of high calorie, yummy treats just waiting for you after you're done. 4. Lots of times there are massage tables. You go lay on one, and someone rubs you down. And, this is AFTER you finish. They do not expect you to go run again when you get off the table. on Valentine's Day Response 

Boom goes the dynomite. Well played Jen, well played. on Valentine's Day Response

Well, he was funny, but you are amazing. Still laughing about the giant pickle! on Valentine's Day Response

I threw this one in to remind him that he's funny, but I'm amazing.

The Over Achievers Are at it Again

Oh no they didn't!  The over achievers are at it again and this time they've taken on Valentine's Day.  If I see one more picture of heart shaped pancakes and dyed red milk I'm going to scream.  And don't even get me started on this:

Photo courtesy of OAM with sense of humor
Put that damn Elf away!!!  He does not belong out on Valentine's Day!!!

My Facebook started blowing up this morning and didn't stop all day.  I saw so many cutesy Valentine's that kids did not make.

Do not try to tell me that kids made half the Valentine's I saw today.  There's no way.  Kids did not take an adorable photo of themselves holding out their arm and the kids did not punch a hole in the picture and put a sucker in there so it looks like they're handing you the sucker from the precious photo.  Kids did not make these Nintendo DS Valentines:

Or these dynamite valentines:
Kids did not melt chocolate over a stove and pour the steaming hot liquid into candy molds in the shapes of hearts, Legos, roses, etc.  Kids did not get on the computer and design and print colorful cardstock with fun little sayings like "Owl Love You Forever" and then staple them to the tops of plastic bags full of homemade candy they didn't make.  I just don't believe it.

Looking through the Valentine's my kids received today, I will say the majority of the kids did address them at least, but that's about it.

Even I had to get on the bandwagon a bit with the overachievers.  My own kids gave out store bought cards with included tattoos (The ones that included pencils were all sold out, damn it.  I guess that's what I get when I wait until the weekend before to buy my Valentines).  I had to sit there for an hour poking those minuscule tattoo corners into the stupid slits on the cards, because my kids lack the patience and dexterity to do it themselves.  I would have chucked the tattoos, except the cards say, "Enjoy your tattoo!" and my kids were watching me making sure I included a tattoo for all their friends.  They know me so well!  They knew if they left me alone to my own devices, I'd throw the tattoos in the trash and call it done.  I know how long it took me to assemble those stupid things and they'll never end up on anyone's Pinterest boards.  I should have done the damn photo with the sucker thing.  It might have actually been faster.

And since when did Valentine's become Christmas and Halloween rolled into one?  My kids came home with so much candy and presents today it couldn't all fit in their backpacks.  We are still eating our way through Halloween and Christmas candy at this point.  We do not need anymore.

I saw the pictures of the overachievers who were up bright and early giving their kids gifts for Valentine's Day.  I will get on board with the Easter Bunny bringing you a little something, but Cupid?  I don't think so.  Not in this house.  I believe I just bought a shitload of gifts for my kids not 2 months ago and a fat guy got all the credit, the hell I'm doing that again only now it's a fat baby looking thing getting the credit.

Most of the gifts I saw were Legos or art supplies or things like that.  I did see an iTouch though and I heard about bouquets of flowers being delivered to the schools - for kids.  I feel sorry for the future husbands of those girls.  If they've been getting a dozen roses since Kindergarten, imagine what they're going to want when they're 40!  A heart shaped pizza and "Breaking Dawn" on DVD is not going to suffice (thank you, Hubs!!).

It wasn't just the kids either.  It was the teachers too.  At the class party today there were a few gifts for the teacher.  Of course, my kid wanted to know where our gift for the teacher was.  How was I supposed to know we were giving gifts??  I didn't realize the teacher was my sweetheart and I should have brought her a box of chocolates.

I tell you, it's amazing how the overachievers can take the simplest holiday and turn it into a production and an event "for the kids."  Ha!  The overachievers aren't doing it for the kids.  They're doing it for themselves.  They're doing it so they can have all the other moms say to them, "How adorable!  What a cute idea.  You're so creative and fun!  I would love to be your kid!"  I just want them to own it and say it out loud.  I want them to say, "I like to make cutesy crafty things for my kids to give out so that people will tell me how great I am.  I like to give the teacher a gift because I know that no one else will and I'll stand out and look like a champ."  Just own it and I'll leave you alone.

I have lots of annoying and egotistical things I do, but the difference is, I own them.  For instance, I will tell anyone, I am a whore for comments on my blog.  I love comments.  I check my comments all the time.  I love to read the comments and I enjoy reading them - even the nasty ones make me happy.  At least someone's reading (not as carefully as I'd like sometimes, but reading nonetheless).  See?  That wasn't hard. Now you try.

Eh, I don't know why I'm amazed every time the overachievers raise the bar and make me look like an ass, but I am.  And every holiday it seems to gets worse.  I've already noticed St. Patrick's Day trending out there.  Oh God, it's coming.  I refuse to make green milk and shamrock shaped pancakes and I'll be damned if I ever make this stupid thing:

Yup, it's a fucking Leprechaun trap.  

For My Secret Valentine

Courtesy of Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess.
Valentine's Day is here and I should be writing a heartfelt post about the Hubs.  I've done that already and then he responded and then I responded and now I'm just bored by all of that.

Instead, I will send out a very special Valentine to the person I think could possibly be my soul mate.  I imagine us taking long walks together, laughing over deli sandwiches, cracking ourselves up making fun of Sarah Palin, having playdates with our kids, working together to make sure our daughters don't grow up to be Queen Bees or Wanna Bees and sharing our love/hate relationship with mom jeans.  This person would complete me.

List of Mini Punches

Re-posted from archives.

1.  Mortgage companies.  I know, I know.  I'm a Realtor - I should love mortgage companies, but they really are so effing evil.  They're such greedy bastards.  They make so much money off of me every month and then LOVE to charge me stupid fees for verifying that I put a new roof on my house.  WTF?  Yup, today we found out that in order to get our money from the insurance claim, it must go into an escrow account held by our mortgage company and they won't pay the roofers until WE pay them to send a lackey out to verify we have a new roof.  Meanwhile, they earn interest off our insurance money while we pay for the roofer out of pocket and wait to be reimbursed.  Effing loan sharks.

2.  People who drive minivans like they're in the The Fast & The Furious.  I had a woman in a swagger wagon pull an illegal u-turn on a busy road in front of me the other day.  I thought we were in the middle of a police chase for a minute.  Then I saw she was on the phone and realized she was lost and calling for directions.  I sure hope she had Aighmey buckled in tightly.  My favorite part, though, was when I honked, she gave me the big F You!  I live in Middle America, people around here barely honk, so I'll give her props for dropping the F bomb on me.  However, she's lucky because it just made me wish I had something to throw through her window.

3.  Nosy/snooty neighbors.  The neighbor across the street from me is having some major landscaping done.  It's been going on for a couple of weeks now and every night machinery and piles of rock, dirt, mulch, etc. are left in the center of our cul de sac.  Today a Board Member from our HOA called and asked if I knew what was going on with all the mess.  I said, "Did someone actually call and complain about this??"  He said, "Yes."  Now, I used to be the Board President and I know how this neighborhood is.  They call about the dumbest shite.  (So and so's yard has dandelions and they're encroaching on my lawn.  So and so left his car on the street overnight and not in his garage.  So and so's dog barks too much.  There are black kids going door to door selling magazines - can't you stop them?)

I said to him, "Does this person even live on my street?"  Dead silence.  Yeah, that's what I thought.  They probably live two blocks over and they're still pissed off about what's going on in MY front yard!

Let me tell you, people, we used to have a pedophile who lived our street and some guy who shot porn films in his home every weekend, so a pile of mulch in the road is a WELCOME change to what we usually have going on down here in our neck of the woods.

4.  Technology.  The Hubs is really awesome at keeping us up to date with our technology.  He makes us super duper efficient and I can do everything I need to from the comfort of my sofa.  That being said, the MAKERS of this shite really suck.  We hit about the 3-5 year mark with any one item and all of a sudden it's kaput.  (In two short weeks we've bought a new desktop computer and a new external hard drive.)  OR if it doesn't break, then everything changes and suddenly the devices/phones/etc. we have are now obsolete and we need new ones even though the ones we have work perfectly fine.  So flipping frustrating!

5.  I would NEVER punch my kid - but seriously the crap he comes up with at bedtime really irks me.  Every night he is overcome with phantom pains - a foot that hurts, an ear that throbs, his throat tickles, his eyes won't stay shut.  It's just ridiculous.  He just stuck his head out the door to tell me he has a tooth that is loose and it's keeping him from sleeping.  I know a way to get that tooth out...

Crappy Field Trips

Today I signed up the Girl for her first field trip of the year.  This year the organizers decided to go with a normal field trip:  a children's play.  What a novel idea.  True, I had to chip in $11.15 to make it happen, but I was happy to do it if it spares me a trip to a free tour of the DMV.  "These are the forms we fill out in triplicate when you get a new license."

It made me think of a post I wrote back in March about a field trip the preschool took last year.  To Home Depot.  Enjoy!

Crappy Field Trip Planners.  OK, so today was the first day of school after a week of Spring Break.  I checked my email late last night only to be reminded that Monday was the first day back AND a special field trip for the preschoolers.  We were going to...(wait for it)...Home Depot!  Yup, you read it right.  Home fucking Depot!  WTF??

My poor kid.  She's the baby and she's sat back for a number of years and watched the Boy go on some cool field trips.  He went to the pumpkin patch, bowling, a cool, interactive children's museum, and an apple orchard to name a few.  The Girl gets to go to Home Depot.  Sad thing is, she's not even sure what she's missing.

Last month we had a field trip to the local grocery store.  I kid you not, the manager asked 3-5 year olds: "Does anyone have any questions for the produce manager?"  Are you kidding me with that?  The highlight of that trip was the bakery because they each got a cookie.  The grocery store probably ranks higher since HD didn't give out a snack.

Today, Home Depot was just bizarre.  We had a tour of the store with a perky "associate" who showed us a giant saw, stacks of wood, bags of mulch and pointed out a few specials.  We couldn't even build a bird house?  The kids got antsy and whiny after an hour (the mothers only lasted 15 minutes).  I will say though, I think we wiped them out of pink and purple paint samples - the girls went a little crazy and we didn't stop them, it was the least HD could do for them.

As we're driving home, I asked the Girl, "Did you enjoy your special field trip today?"  She said, "Yes, but I think the pumpkin patch is better.  The bus ride was fun though."

I get that schools are cutting back and there isn't much funding, but come on!  I will chip in my six bucks so my kid can at least make a bird house or go to a museum.  These corporations invite the schools to come and "visit" for free and the tours just suck.  The kids are bored and have no clue what's going on and the people giving the tours have no idea how to teach kids.  The moms want to stick forks in their eyes, but manage to spend $25 before they leave (did you know there are special light bulbs for dimming??).  Not to mention, I paid for today as a "school" day and let me tell you, my kid learned jack today:  "This is carpet.  Does it feel soft or rough?  Do you have carpet in your house?"  Side note to the moms:  "We're offering free installation through the end of the month!"

I just got a note home today from the Boy's teacher about his upcoming field trip.  I don't have the heart to tell the Girl.  The Boy is going to see the play "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".  Now THAT'S worth missing school for!

Wrap Up 2.3.12

Top Read Posts This Week:

Rules for Parents of Daughters - This one went viral a couple of weeks ago and is still hanging on to the top spot for this week.  Thanks for continuing to share!

Newt Gingrich AKA "King of the Douche Canoes" - This one was my take on the nauseating idea that at least 3 women climbed into Newt's crumb-filled bed.  I tried not to get political in this one, but commenters decided to make it political anyway.  Lost a few people in the process.  Eh.  Silly ninnies who can't read clearly.  Either that or they find Newt hot.

Sh*t Kids Say - This is a list of funny shit my kids and other kids have said to me.  The comments are hilarious on this one and really deserve a read.

Me - In the Carpool Lane - Yeah I wore jammies to school.  Not the drop off line - but to the afternoon pick up.  You got a problem with that?

The Fam at an All You Care to Ea Salad Bar  - The proprietor lost money that day.

The Hubs went Someecard crazy this week and made a bunch of cards.  Did you see them?

Oh yeah, Gabrielle got a boat magazine.  Of course!!

My Favorite Comments (and my reply, if any):

My hubby makes me take an empty purse stuffed with Ziploc bags in it when we got to the all you can eat buffets! He not only wants to gorge himself there but he wants us to eat from it for the next couple days!!! on The Fam at an All You Care to Eat Salad Bar

Lol, All of these are great! When my daughter was in Kindergarten, her teacher said something about being happy that Valentines day was coming up, because she LOVES chocolate. My then 5 year old looked at her and replied, "Yeah, we can tell you love chocolate. Maybe you should not eat so much, you are getting kind of chunky." The teacher decided then was a good time to announce to the class that she is expecting a baby.....story over, right? Then my child yells out "You know that baby's gonna come out of your vagina, right?!" Call home. on Sh*t Kids Say

I knew it was time to lose weight when my best friend's six year old walked up to me and patted me on the stomach and said, "you're gonna have a baby!"... I'm a guy.  Time to lose weight. on Sh*t Kids Say 

My 4 year old son was swinging, and every time he went up, he spread his legs out really wide. Grandma asked why he was doing this. He replied, "Because I like my penis flapping in the wind." Grandma was horrified. 

This is one of my all time favorites from my son. Mom, you look really cute in that outfit. Kinda like a chubby teenager. Um,thanks? on Sh*t Kids Say

as someone who doesn't have kids, one of the greatest joys in my life are stories about shit that my friends kids say. my top two fave are: mom, while giving her 4 year old daughter a bath - "okay stand up so I can wash your hiney." daughter stands up while mom looks away - "mom, don't forget to wash my balls." mom looks at daughter to see her holding two bouncy ball toys. mom is driving around the city looking for a parking spot for apparently too long. 6 year old daughter from the back seat - "mom. can you just park this fucking car already?" I live for that shit. oh and p.s. your blog ROCKS! on Sh*t Kids Say

my 2.5 year old is too smart for her own age... we were in the supermarket and some lady bumped into our shopping cart, and my daughter says "mommy, she's a 'Juice Bag' right?" on Sh*t Kids Say

I love your blog, but I would totally have made fun of you if I had seen you... I teach school and most of us school teacher working moms are already bitter & jealous that we can't stay at home, so when moms roll into the school in their pajamas (or better yet their tennis outfits), our eyes roll :)  on Me - In the Carpool Line
I would have made fun of myself if I saw this.  I would have come home and blogged about this woman.

ROFL! You women and your easily bruised egos! Come on now, he was getting straight to the point and not beating around the bush (ha!). Take the hint and get it waxed. on The Place That Waxed My Eyebrows Today
This comment came from a man and really got the ladies riled up.  I believe the best response I saw to him was, "Wax your ass, George!"  That sounds like someone might be giving George a clue and not beating around the bush.

I've had this happen to me and my teen daughter was with me. Her suggestion was next time to look him in the face and say, "No thank you. I'm trying to grow it out." on The Place That Waxed My Eyebrows Today

He is totally disgusting and your description of him coming at you with fish lips and what not - made me pee. LOL. Love you Jen! Devan on Newt Gingrich AKA "King of the Douche Canoes"

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