The Hubs and I had an opportunity to take our kids to a Comets (professional indoor soccer) game this weekend with some friends and we had the pleasure of sharing air space with some real gems of society.
The first was the 50-something lady sitting in front of us who kept giving my family the stink eye every time our kids cheered for the team or got excited. Hellooooo....we're at a soccer game, we're allowed to cheer. This isn't golf or tennis, you moron.
She was also very concerned about her hair. She had longish curly hair that practically rested at our feet. It was quite large and poufy and it was constantly being "fluffed" in our direction and she'd get irritated if anyone came near to touching her hair. Well then get it out of my kids' cotton candy space!
I've never been to a Comets game before, but it felt very family-friendly and it seemed really geared towards kids with loud music, constant activity and freebies thrown into the stands every few minutes. Because of this, it seemed strange to me that this older woman and her husband (?) would come alone to the game, sit with two seats between them and never interact with one another until one would suggest they go get some more food. If you don't like noisy kids who touch your hair then what the hell are you doing here and why don't you use that banana clip you've got clipped to your zebra print purse??
The space between our rows was quite narrow and a few times in their excitement, my kids kicked her seat back. After the second time, she turned around and stated, "We are not going to do this. I will not sit here this whole game and have them kick the back of my seat." I was surprised she actually spoke up and at first I was irritated, but then I realized this is exactly what would bother me too. So, I smiled sweetly and made my kids apologize and told her we'd try to be more careful. She hurumphed and turned her back on me. This pissed me off. We are trying to do the right thing and you're still going to be a total bitch? Fine. It was on. I gave her my best eye roll I could come up with and went back to enjoying the game. After a few more minutes, the team scored and my friend's son rejoiced and accidentally kicked the back of her chair. Again. Doh! She glared again at the kids.
I looked down the row and saw there were some empty seats further down from the Hubs with no one in front of them. I asked the Hubs to move down a couple of seats so that I could sit behind the lady. I made a big production that we were moving, just so she'd notice (yeah, I can be passive aggressive like the best of them) and we settled into our new seats. She didn't even turn around. So my friend was sure to pat her on the shoulder and say, "Just wanted you to know, we moved down so the kids won't bother you now." The lady still didn't turn around to acknowledge her. Sheesh. Just goes to show, sometimes there are people out there you can never please. I sure hope that between our three kids, surely one of them got some cotton candy in her hair.
The other gems we met were the family who sat behind us (and were kind enough NOT to kick our seats). This family seemed nice enough when we sat down. It was a father, a mother and two middle school aged girls who kept making the rounds through the stadium visiting friends in suites. We smiled at one another and sort of nodded the way you do when you're going to have share the same area for the next hour and a half. They seemed normal enough until the Comets scored their first goal.
The tradition is, the player who scores throws out a couple small, signed plastic soccer balls. The Comets scored and the player threw a ball into the stands and it was coming right towards us. The Hubs stood up and stuck his hand out and he caught the ball. A nice little souvenir for Gomer. What the Hubs didn't know was that when he went for the ball so did the man behind him. The man actually grabbed the Hubs a bit because he started to fall over the seats in his excitement reaching for the ball. He found his footing and we all had a good chuckle until the Hubs handed the ball to Gomer. That's when the fun stopped. As soon as they realized we were going to keep the ball, the woman said, "Heyyyy....that was for me. The guy looked right at me before he threw it. That was mine." I looked to see if she was teasing, but she was dead serious. "That was for me." She meant it! Her kids were gone at this point and it was just these two goofballs sitting there glaring at my kid and his freebie. I gave the Hubs a look that said, "HUH?" and he just raised an eyebrow back at me and shook his head slightly. Gomer was looking nervous like we might give his souvenir to the grown ass lady whining behind him.
Don't worry, Gomer, not gonna happen. I never give into whiners.
We just turned around and ignored them. We continued to watch the game and every time I'd glance behind me if the woman wasn't reapplying her lip gloss or re-braiding her adorable loose side braid, I could swear the woman was looking longingly at the ball in Gomer's hands. Creepy.
At the half time they threw some more balls into the crowd. The mascot was throwing them this time. He pointed right at me. Just like braid lady I could tell he was saying, "Jen, this one is for you - get ready!" I was ready. Adolpha still needed a ball and I wanted this one. The mascot hit the ball with a racquet and it sailed high up towards the ceiling. I lost the ball in the lights for a moment and then suddenly, I saw it. It was coming right at me! I got my hands up; ready to catch the ball. I watched it come closer and closer to me, it was going to land right in my hands! Almost there.....
The braid lady's husband had reached over my head and batted the ball out of my range!!
It fell several rows in front of me and a grown man ("gentleman") caught it and realized a child would enjoy it more than him so he tossed to the young boys sitting near him. That's how it's done, idiot!
I turned around and the asshat and his lip glossed wife were high fiving each other like he was Lamar Odom blocking the game winning shot from Jeremy Lin (we have Lin-sanity over here, the Hubs is Asian). "Lamar" just shrugged his shoulders at me as if to say, "Whoops."
Are you kidding me with this shit? That ball was for my kid, you asshat! And, honestly, I probably would have fumbled it and he could have made a legitimate catch. He didn't want to though. He just wanted to make sure I didn't catch it. Fucker.
I ignored them after that. There was no way in hell I was going to start a fight with a deranged couple over a plastic soccer ball (plus poufy haired lady might get his back and then I'd be screwed). All I can say is if blocking a 5 foot tall woman from getting a ball for her kid makes him feel like a big man then I feel sorry for braid lady, because I can only imagine how small his penis must be.
Even Gomer figured out what happened. He said to me, "Mom, it was like that guy didn't want us to get two balls. He thought, 'Your husband stopped my wife and now I'm going to show you the payback of a man!'"
I can't make this shit up.
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