Weekly Wrap Up 4.28.12

What a douchetacular week this was!  The Hubs and I had a great time taking on the douches of America.  It made our marriage stronger to fight a common enemy, so I'd like to thank all the douches who made it possible.

Holy crap, this is a long one!  I hope you finish it, because it's got some kick ass comments.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Douchey Dads - Whoa Nelly, this one started some discussion, didn't it?  I haven't seen so many panties in a bunch since the Elf on the Shelf.  I think it's real interesting that I can bash on OAMs, women celebrities, women I see at school or at the store and no one says "boo" to me.  But the MINUTE I talk about a man being a dick, I always get a few jackholes who pull this shit:   "stick to what you know" (little woman).  I always add the little woman part in my head, because it just sounds better.  Or "why don't you write about minivans and elves, because you don't know anything about men."  (Sweetheart.)  Again, just more assholish.

If it's not these dicks telling me to mind my own business, it's their lady folk coming out to defend their men.  They really can cause a fury, can't they?  I'm sorry your husband is a tool and you just figured that out.  It's not my fault that many in this world see him this way and you missed the memo.

When I wasn't being told to shut it, I was accused of being jealous.  Jealous of what, exactly?  Let's see, I work from home, I'm self employed and I can afford a cluuuubb membership.  I could easily be at the club in the middle of the day yukking it up and posing like a big wig with those asswipes closing deals and whatnot - I'm in sales after all.  So I guess I'm not jealous of that.  Oh I know, I must be jealous of their ability to shit without stank.  That is a gift.

Douchey Dad Revisted - I really wanted to be done with all the haters that commented on my post.  I thought that a lot of you guys really put these dickheads in their place (thank you for always stepping up and defending me, it means a lot to me) and I just was over it and ready to move on.

The Hubs was hot, though.  He decided he had something to say and wow, did he say it!

All of the love he received on this post inspired him to start his own Facebook page and I think he's toying with the idea of a blog.  Lord help us if he becomes more popular than me.

Step One of My World Domination Plan - I'm going to be interviewed by Kansas City's NPR station next week and I was ruminating on what exactly I'll say when the interviewer calls my bullshit.  "What makes you different?"  Even with all the kind words and amazing comments, I'm still pretty sure I sound like a 12 year old girl and I'm going to mumble something like, "Umm....uhh....I say 'fuck' a lot.  Oh, crap, can I say that on NPR?"

I think it will be Thursday that I do the interview.  I will let you know on my Facebook page, Twitter and the blog.  If you're local you can hear it on the radio at KCUR or you can listen to the podcast or live on their website.

Me & My Cleaning Lady - Update on Rosa.  She really did move to Omaha.  All of her clients got dumped.  Her husband got a job offer while she was visiting family in Mexico and he couldn't wait for her to get back.  She was aware he was going, so it wasn't like she came home to an empty house or anything.  On Monday she showed up at my door with her daughter, Rosa Jr., and offered to have her clean my house.  It caught me by such surprise that I wasn't sure what to do.  I heard from many of you recommending your cleaning ladies too.  I think I'll start with Rosa's daughter and see how I like her and if I'm not happy I'll start interviewing the list I have.  Thanks for the referrals!

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies If Necessary):

Ok, so I have been thinking about all these comments, and I do see some of the opposing points. I agree that you can't know any given persons specific situation. This particular guy may or may not have been a DD, this occourance just made it sound that way. Any one given guy out there that does something douchey may not be a DD, BUT that does not change the fact that there are DD's out there. Ok, maybe the yucking and fake tone and douchey 'in the way-ness' and "concern" over the tooth may have all been accidental coincidences, maybe the guy is an on call doc and is hardly ever at that club, does not change the fact that we all know the KIND of person Jenn is talking about and you can picture them and that false tone and the yucking - the GD yucking....and it is f'n funny!!
Adressing the people that say "well at least he is around and involved" - the title is not "Bad, jackass, POS, deadbeat dad", it is Douchey Dad, so I don't think Jenn was trying to address that particular sort of dad at all. (correct me if I am wrong, Jenn).
I admire the people that politely disagree, they say "hm, just didn't get it Jenn, and I don't agree but I will keep reading", as Jenn is, you are also entitled to your oppinion and you make it easy for me to respect your oppinion when you put it respectfully without angrily lashing out with evil rants.
I fear the people that were the most ANGRY about a funny light-hearted jab at a general type of person either KNOW this person, his wife or are a whooooole lot like them.
That is all (for now), Devan on Douchey Dads

Exactly!  This guy was a douche because he came into our space and took over.  We rented the room from the club and we were getting ready for a private event that he was not invited to.  Maybe this is the room he always steps into to take his calls, because usually it's empty, fine.  All I wanted him to do was acknowledge that he was in the way.  All he needed to do was look up from his self-absorbed phone call and say, "Whoops, I didn't realize anyone was in here.  Sorry about that."  Instead, he proceeded to have a private, loud, annoying conversation with his wife and kid and even when he was prompted with, "Excuse me," the guy moved 6 inches.  Six inches, people, and not a bit more.  This is why he's a douche.  

Why are there so many people saying "Give the Dad the benefit of the doubt". This is pathetic. Why is it that when a father does something he SHOULD do, he is appaulded? WTF? Seriously? I know that there are a LOT of so called men out there that don't do the right thing, but this is ludicrous. Why do we allow ourselves to let it slide when "men" don't step up. The reason this Dad is a Douche is because he wasn't sincere. His wife probably gave him the heads up before he answered the phone what Champ was going to call about. Your Damn right he SHOULD have taken the call. What he also should have done is taken the call outside or to a really privite room where people were not clearly working to get an event set up. on Douchey Dads 

Precisely.  Yeah, he talked to his kid, but seriously why should he get props for that?  Why do dads always get bonus points for parenting and mothers only lose points?  No one ever congratulates a mother for taking her kid's call.  He's the kid's dad, of course he should talk to him.  He was not in the middle of a business meeting (believe me, I could hear that whole conversation too and it was not business related in the least) when the kid called.  He stepped out so as not to disturb his buddies and never once thought about the little ladies that were working in the next room.

No one said that success makes you a douche, being a fucking douche makes you a douche, you idiot. on Douchey Dads


Douchery is not a class issue. Jen was just pointing out this particular flavor of douchery in this post. She was not saying that rich fathers are automatically DDs. Good people can belong to country clubs and have money. She was just pointing out just how self-entitled and phony this class of douche is. For me, where he really became the douche was when he was worrying about what his MOMMY thought about the gap in his child's front teeth because it may "ruin" the family photo? If he were a real man and his mother complained about that, he would tell her to piss off. Somehow, I think he is more worried about his inheritance. on Douchey Dads

I deal with a lot of DDs. How do they play golf on Tuesdays? They're salesmen those motherfuckers get paid oodles of cash for taking clients out to "dinner" which ususally involves at least one girl named Montage and one named Cherry. They are usually married to Princess Moms who drive expensive GIGANTIC SUVs while texting their “girls” with one hand and sipping their Venti Decaf Soy five-pump Raspberry No-whip extra Horseshit mocha from Starbucks. The get “push presents” and are probably getting it on with the next door neighbor’s wife or the hot looking Mexican guy that mows the lawn. They annoy the shit out of me by using the word gift as a verb and saying ah-MAY-zing while they discuss how smart their brain damaged progeny are, or how much it costs each year for said offspring to attend private school, at which both will have their first gay experience. They haven’t worked a real job since they first got out of college, know all the best plastic surgeons and drone on endlessly about shoes, bolt-on breasts and cupcakes/macaroons/whatever food fad is going at that day. They don’t how to cook, think the Poors are that way because it’s their own fault and probably go to a church where Jesus is more like Eddie Vedder, including the rock and roll, than a role model on Douchey Dads

And that comment, folks, is from my uncle.  I was raised to rant.  Check him out.  It's a narcissistic week at PIWTPITT.

I call my son, bud all the time. I know his name. I like his name. Really, a post about this? And if you want to be snarky, maybe his son is named Gomer and prefers to be called Champ ;-O. Glass houses. on Douchey Dads 

I'll just let this be my response, you dumbass:

Come on, how can you even compare the two. Gomer is a sophisticated and adult name, while champ is the name of a dog. Also, Adolpha is probably a family name, Jen's great-great grandmother who arrived on a rowboat from the Titanic was probably named Adolpha. I'm sure you could have gathered as much if you read more than the titles of a couple posts. And granted, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but they also have a great view of the douchiness around them. on Douchey Dads 

I just have a quick question, and I am sure I will be flamed, but I honestly do want to know. When "Gomer" is 12-13 and bullies, what will you say? When he tells you he is just being funny at someone's expense, will that make it ok? What if he is not calling anyone out by name, but just making fun of a group, maybe the kids in band. Is that okay? I read your blog for the first time with the elf like probably everyone here. I thought it was funny even though I do think of funny things to do with ours. I have stopped by a few times since then, and many of the posts are just mean. It isn't the wit and laugh at yourself type stuff. It is attacking someone's parenting in this instance. I think you can call it what you want, but there is a big problem with bullying in schools and if the parents are teaching it and condoning it, it will only make it worse. You can blow this off, which I am sure people will, but there are real kids who are breaking because they are made fun of on Douchey Dad Revisited

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't consider what I write bullying.  I'm not a bully.  I am sick and tired of people who share this planet with me who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves.  We all live here together and every time I turn around I find that people are becoming ruder and ruder and I'm sick of it and I'm not going to let people get away with it.  This post was not about his parenting.  I could give a fuck what he calls his kid and how great the tooth fairy event is in his home, what I care about is how inconsiderate he was of the people surrounding him.  How self-absorbed he was when he was on the phone and how oblivious he was to those around him.  

My other "mean" rants or "bullying" posts are about the unnecessary pressures that society and the media and each other put on us to be "perfect" parents or "perfect" wives and I'm fed up with all that shit too.  I'm fed up with hearing about how I'm not a worthwhile person, because I didn't make my Elf ice skate on a frozen toilet or make Bento box lunches for my children from the free-range organically fed chickens that we raised in our backyard or wear the coolest brand of skinny jeans or whatever the fuck is popular right now.  I don't write these posts to be mean, I write these with the hopes that maybe someone who behaves like this will get a reality check, but more importantly, I write these posts for the people who are made to feel worthless, because they can't keep up with all of this shit.  I let them know that it's OK to laugh and say, Who cares?  

On the flip side, I've been called "ugly" and told "God don't love you" and I've been told that my son will grow up to be a rapist, because of the way I'm raising him.  Is that bullying?  Or am I just getting what's coming to me, because I put my opinion out there and someone didn't care for it?  I don't cry "bully."  I'm a judgmental person and I know I'm judgmental.  We're all judgmental, I just happen to be someone who readily admits it and knows that when I judge I'll be judged back.  

In answer to your question, I will not condone my children bullying anyone.  I expect they will have senses of humor and my guess is they'll both be a bit sarcastic.  Every kid teases another kid or a group of kids and I am positive that at some point, my children will too.  A bully doesn't tease or poke fun at someone.  Are we not allowed to even poke fun at anyone anymore?  This is not bullying.  A bully systematically assaults someone either physically or emotionally.  A bully harms and intimates a weaker person.  My kids won't do that.  

I do hope that Gomer and Adolpha are both bullshit callers.  I plan to raise them to be independent thinkers as much as I can.  I want them to realize how much better it is to be themselves and to be their own person, rather than worrying about what everyone else is wearing, driving or doing.  My greatest fear is that they become sheeple and go along with the herd - bullies are sheeple.  If anything, they will most likely be the ones who will be bullied, because if I am successful in raising them the way I want, they will not be popular and they will be outspoken and opinionated and probably a target themselves.  

Anon 11:01 AM - Seriously hit the nail on the head so I'm reposting it for all the people that can't seem to grasp the objective of this blog: Anonymous Apr 27, 2012 11:01 AM "Jen is not "bullying" this guy, or "poking fun of him", just calling it like she see's it. Pretty positive she was just calling a spade a spade. If she had cut on his nerdiness looks, or fat, then that may be bullying, but she wasn't. I believe Gomer will grow up knowing the difference between bullying & being shocked enough by someone else's behavior that he can laugh about it like his mother. Have you never talked about the rudeness of strangers? Bitched about the guy who cut you off while driving? laughed at the purely asinine things some people do? Pretty sure we all have, and that's why we enjoy Jen's rants so much, she puts it out there, and we can laugh together." THIS EXACTLY. on Douchey Dad Revisited 

The comments are almost as funny as the blog! on Douchey Dad Revisited

Every week!

Seriously, Douchey Dads and OAM's just roll with it, Jen just calls it like it is, that is why we all love her. I, myself, am a crunchy granola type mom. Jen recently punched me and guess what, I laughed! She hit it right on, I annoy myself sometimes with my recycling and "being green". If you can't laugh at yourself then maybe should punch yourself in the throat. on Douchey Dad Revisited

The Hubs, if you ever get tired of Jen and her online tirades......will you marry me? (of course we'll have to find a way to get rid of my Hubs but why let a little homicide get in the way of love?!) :-) on Douchey Dad Revisited

FIRST the title of your blog peaked my interest...I havent even made it past todays post to learn more about you or your family and I am in LOVE! Actually, I may just be in love with your husband! (kidding!...sort of) today's post is SOOOOO funny! I am a new follower!! Now excuse me while I go read all your previous posts. on Douchey Dad Revisited

Easy killers.  The Hubs is receiving a few too many indecent proposals for my liking.  It's time to make him unattractive.  Have I told you about his ability to fart and burp on command?  Have I mentioned his wonky chest hair?  Yes, I said "hair."  He only has one.  Back off ladies, this funny Romeo is all mine.

OK Jen, don't feel bad, but I think I enjoyed this even more than the other Douchey post. *ducks flying wine glass!* Sorry I hope he doesn't get a big head...I know my husband would. (thank God you've been playing along w/ the drinking game or that glass might have actually hit it's mark! Feeling a little sloshed myself) on Douchey Dad Revisited

Wow, using "douche" in a post 31 times is absolutely douchetacular.I couldn't make it into a drinking game, however, because I'd be plastered before the first paragraph ended. Sir, I salute you and your douchetastic vocabulary.LOL on Douchey Dad Revisited

if you don't like the opinions and point of views expressed in PIWTPITT or any blog for that matter, DONT READ IT! For some of us, reading these rants make us physically laugh out loud, and for that I am truly grateful. Punch On! on Douchey Dad Revisited

I cannot believe you are taking time to write a blog post during the day instead of being with your kids! At least those guys were networking with real people, you are talking to cyberspace and trying to feed your wife's ego. Btw...I'm a mom. Not a country club mom, just a mom....who thinks you are both douches. on Douchey Dad Revisited

Bully!  Right?  She called me a name.  I'm being bullied, aren't I?  OK, maybe not.  So, my question is when should he write it?  During dinner with the kids?  The kids were at school when he wrote this.  You Madame are a Douchette!

Do you or your husband not work during the day?  You must be trust fund kids who just spend all day making special memories for your kids and homeschooling them so you can never be apart.  That's sweet.  The Hubs and I don't have that luxury.  We work during the day while our kids are at school and even (gasp) when they are home since we don't send them to daycare after school (double gasp).  FYI, don't worry, I'm writing this at 8 o'clock at night after my kids are safely tucked into bed.    

I love that you think it's OK to be away from your kids to "network with real people", but writing a blog and feeding my ego is not worth being away from my kids.  Thank you for setting us straight.  Next time the Hubs is ready to guest blog, I'll be sure to send him to the bar with his buddies so they can yuk it up and network while he writes and leaves me home with the kids.  

You totally described my clients, as a travel agent, we deal w/ a group of investment bankers. That is exactly what they do, their wives are all jr league types, their kids go to private school, and are named after cheese (Colby and Brie), or furniture, yes I have a client named after a piece of furniture. They go to the Caribbean for spring break, own homes on exclusive islands along the east coast, and wouldn't dream of putting a foot in Disney World. Still, they pay us the bucks to do it, and are very nice to us, but they have their moments. Not all of them are like this, but quite a few are. Great blog, tell the haters to suck it. on Douchey Dads

I can't find it, but there was a classic comment response to this one about naming your kid "Velveeta."  Loved it.  All of these names will appear in posts at some point.

Umm, hello. I thought the title Douchey Dads implied judgement. This entire blog is about judging people, it's the bread and butter of her work. Punching people in the throat would be nearly impossible without making judgments. on Douchey Dads

Please tell me you at least whispered something Jen...please tell me you didnt let this one go without a word...He deserved a "oh honey dont worry about his missing tooth...your missing soul on the other hand could be an issue." on Douchey Dads

Isn't it always the way that half an hour later you think of a great zinger like that?  I never think of them until it's too late!

I think you are wonderful Jen and I rank you up there with the bloggers you mentioned in your list. You say it like it is and call out the BS with a bullhorn. I love it! Keep up the good work! Need to do coffee again soon! on Step One of My World Domination Plan

Yes, please!

I want to say a really, really BIG THANK YOU to you Jen, for giving those of us who have felt so overwhelmed to the point of absurdity...and honestly to the point of inferiority & even sadness & guilt in a world the seemed to be marketed & dominated by the OAM's. I am not a domestic goddess, I can barely boil water, my yard lacks even an inch of "curb appeal", the list could go on forever. But I am creative, yet for a long time I described myself as someone who "used to be" creative. Why? Instead of finding joy in the things I COULD do, I was overwhelmed by what I couldn't do...The easiest way I can explain this is thru an example- like many people I could make homemade cards/invitations for my kids parties...BUT I would get so caught up in what was lacking (painstakingly detailed cutout 3-D pieces, hand written quirky little poems about my kids, you name it..) that I would end up going to the store at the very last minute buying whatever I could grab before the store closed & sending on Step One of My World Domination Plan

What makes you different? How many people have said, "you're my long lost twin" or "I think we share a brain" since you have started this blog? You're real. You identify with the everyday mom out there and that sets you apart from so many. You say what most of us are thinking in our heads. I read a couple different blogs but yours is the only one I read religiously and laugh out loud at most days. And you're the first person I think I could seriously stalk....in a good way though. Good thing you kept your trip to NH under wraps till you were on your way out! LOL on Step One of My World Domination Plan

And this is why I don't consider myself a bully.  Thank you for these comments.

WHEN you drive your swager-wagon to the Big Girl Party.... don't you DARE worry what they think!! Keep on being you!! They're all worried what YOU think!! on Step One of My World Domination Plan

Step One of My World Domination Plan

So my world domination plan is starting in early May.  I'm going to be interviewed by a local NPR radio station (I have to start somewhere and Ellen and Anderson Cooper still haven't called).

An intern did a preliminary interview with me to make sure I actually have something to say that's interesting.  One of the questions she asked me was:  What is your specialty?  What makes you different than the other "mommy bloggers" out there.

I am a mom.  I blog.  Does that really make me a mommy blogger?  

Ugh.  Can't you just ask me about my closet?

It got me thinking about the big bloggers out there.  The bloggers who have the sort of success that I dream about.  What makes them different from one another?  I know what makes them similar.  They're all great story-tellers with powerful voices who like to mix a little humor with a side of serious and/or heartwarming.

Let's see, there's:

1.  The Pioneer Woman.  PW's blog isn't a blog anymore, it's truly an Empire, with a capital "E."  She has books, television shows, recipes, photos, homeschooling tips, the proper cowboy wife etiquette tips, and more.  My suspicion is that Ree Drummond is a droid.  She's like the Plucky, Down Home Model of the Martha Stewart robot.  The Pioneer Woman is just like Martha Stewart, if MS was friendly, unafraid of needless calories and farmed in Oklahoma instead of Connecticut.  Truly, is there anything PW cannot do?   Even her dog wrote a book!  (Mothra's won the Westminster Dog Show, I'm sure his book detailing his trials and tribulations to get that blue ribbon will be out soon.)

To me, PW comes across as the patron saint of the overachievers mixed with Bella Swan.  I just read her memoir and all she wrote about was what brand name clothes she wore on her dates with her cowboy (Who wears heels to a ranch?), the fancy food she cooked for her hungry, hard working man (Of course of he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy - why did that surprise you?) and how clumsy she was around his virile, masculine body (How many times can she almost fall down and be rescued by his strong, ropy, muscular arms?  Almost as many times as Bella was kept safe by Edward.)    

2.  The Bloggess.  AKA the "One I Aspire to Be."  Hands down, The Bloggess is the funniest blogger out there (says the second funniest).  I had the Elf on the Shelf, which was a cute little viral post, but she had the epic viral post about Beyonce, which still makes me laugh every time I think Knock, knock, motherfucker.

Jenny Lawson is my kind of mom.  I would love to hang out at a playgroup with her, especially if she brought her one of a kind Mommy business cards.  The Bloggess has a gift for connecting with her readership and getting them to do some crazy shit.  Like take pictures of themselves with balls of twine, send around a red dress for everyone to share, buy Christmas presents for needy families, and bring big metal chickens with them to book signings (her book dropped earlier this month and I'm devastated that Kansas City is not on the book tour).  She also has an animal fixation, only hers are dead.  She collects taxidermied animals and dresses them up and turns their images into greeting cards.

3.  Dooce.  Even though PW and The Bloggess have bigger audiences, Dooce is the mother of us all.  Heather Armstrong started blogging back in the day when no one even knew what blogging was.  Even back then, I remember my sister in law telling me how funny Dooce was.  I started reading and I got hooked.  Her dog also has his own tab on her blog.  (What's with these girls and their dogs?  Hmm....maybe I need a dog.)  She writes about everything from getting fired for writing about her co-workers to depression to building furniture from Ikea (gotta love the blatant product placements) and now she's been writing lately about how emotionally spent she is with everything going on in her personal life (her new book came out this month and she's getting divorced).

4.  Scary Mommy.  When I think about it, I honestly don't think I've read anything that Jill Smokler has written.  She says she writes about the fact that parents don't have to be perfect - I like that, but I can't really find stuff she's written!  I've been to her site numerous times and every time I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of information there.

She has giveaways, she has a forum where people can chat, a place where parents can confess their parenting sins, and she encourages you to buy her book.  I heard her book that just came out is really good.  (Apparently I missed the memo that mommy blogger books are supposed to be released in April - hopefully I'll get the memo for April 2013.)

I do like that she was part of the "most revolutionary social media campaign ever" when she teamed up with Target and let readers pick her outfits.  It was really fun, actually.  I tried to pick the strangest outfits, just because I thought it would be funnier.  My strategy didn't work.  She looked great in anything they put her in.  She has set the bar high, but I intend to clear it easily when I launch my most revolutionary social media campaign ever when I partner with Honda and get a badass Odyssey minivan.

These are the 4 that I think of when I think of successful Mommy Bloggers, although they're all so much more than that.  Now, back to the interviewer's question:  What makes me different?

Well, let's start with who I am and what I write about.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  I started this blog about a year ago now and I never know what I'm going to write about - it depends upon my mood.  Usually, it's things that piss me off.  Sometimes it's celebrities, sometimes it's politicians, sometimes it's the guy standing in front of me at McDonald's who can't decide what he wants for lunch ("Uhh...what's good here?") and sometimes it's the Hubs.  I try to temper my rants with humor and every now and again I show a bit of my compassionate side.  I don't want it to get out that I have a heart, though - it's bad for business.

I think I'm different from the mega-bloggers, because I'm not as nice as they are.  No one has the scorched earth policy that I have.  I am not afraid to say anything.  It's like I've said before, I'm a bullshit caller.  I don't let people get away with silliness (myself included).  Plus, there is nothing off-limits on my blog.  I let the Hubs write about my jungle, for goodness sake!  Let's see Dooce do that.  When I write, I don't worry about what the masses might think.  Maybe once I'm invited to drive my minivan to the big girl blog party, I might worry, but for now I am my own person.

I read these blogs and I learn from them and I'm inspired by them (and, it must be said, sometimes I want to punch them in the throat), but I won't copy their style.  I will never write a cookbook - unless it's called Food I'll Never Make.  I will never host decorating segments slash advertisements for Ikea on HGTV.  I will never appear on the Today show and kiss Ann's ass when she interviews me about my book (that she obviously hasn't read).  No, if I appear on the Today show, I want to drink wine at 10 am with Hoda and Kathie Lee and thank them for inspiring my first post.  I think it would be great if they put us in a boxing ring and really let us try to punch each other.  I will never get a dog and let it have a tab on my blog - letting the Hubs guest post is close enough.  I will always take crappy pictures with my cell phone camera, because I'm way too lazy to get out the "real" camera.  Besides, I don't want to get so that my photographs are so great looking, they detract from my words.  (Ha.)

I want my success on my own terms.  We all have our own schtick and we appeal to people, because we're not phony (although PW is really starting to become a "persona" rather than a person anymore).  That's what makes them different and that's what makes me different.  You can't put these girls in any one category and I'm proud to say, you can't put me in any one category either.

Weekly Wrap Up 4.21.12

Well, this week was a challenge for me.  This is the first week I've been forced to juggle my real estate business and the blog.  Lucky for me, the blog hit it big over the winter when real estate was slow and I could spend more time on it.  The spring is here and I'm absolutely thrilled to say I'm busy as hell with real estate, but sad to say the blog is suffering for it.  I will try to do better next week.  I'm really bad about writing anything too far in advance, but I'm going to have to start trying to figure that out.  

The highlight of my week was receiving an Elf on the Shelf stapled to anti-wrinkle cream.  What a kick ass way for me to notice the product you're sending me.  Obviously, if you ever want some Rodan + Fields anti-wrinkle stuff you should contact Jackie Pearson-Waters.  That little spiky roller thing doesn't hurt too much and I already look 39 and 11 months old, so it's working definitely!

The Top Read Posts This Week:

Open Letter to Samantha Brick - A slightly deranged and kooky lady who thinks she's too pretty for friends.  I gave her some tough love.

Me & My Cleaning Lady - It was good to see how many of you could sympathize with my plight.  I have since found out that I was not dumped.  All of her clients were given the Omaha story, so we're all on the hunt for someone new.  I got tons of leads from local readers (thank you very much) and I will be getting quotes from people next week.  Also, in response to the whole tangent about her possibly not being legal, etc.  She is most assuredly legal as well as the rest of her family.  I'm guessing that her husband had a business opportunity in Omaha that he couldn't resist.

Who is Attractive According to Gomer - Gomer thinks my brother is more attractive than me, because his family follows him around.  My brother and sister in law both weighed in in the comments section.  We've also decided to monitor Gomer's reading a bit closer, because we're not sure where he learned the proper use of "striking."  

Passive Parents - This was a repost from the archives, but still a good one about telling instead of asking your child to behave.

Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms - This one hung around for another week, because Babble.com and HuffingtonPost.com reposted it.

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):

I love that you say this is to save your marriage! If I wanted to keep my marriage safe, I'd need to hire a maid, cook and a prostitute. They could do all the work that my husband thinks I have all the time in the world to do. on Me & My Cleaning Lady

Hey Jenni...instead of reading Samantha's articles (sounded like it would be a waste of time anyway!), I decided to read all 103 comments. TNMom said Kim’s comment would make it into the best comments of the week...and it should…but…OH MY GOSH! You are definitely going to have a tough time filtering down to only a few comments, because there were a TON of great retorts! The lonely, negative (aka “Jen-attacking”) one by “Anonymous” had a great follow up by Marcella!! “Oh hey, welcome to Jen’s Blog, Samantha.” That was perfection!! Loved it when Lauren & Bev brought Gomer’s name up about his thoughts on beauty…(I truly laughed out loud!!). Knitwit’s phrase: “turn-style on her vagina” had me spewing coffee all over the keyboard….and then Michaela’s “fug ass nose” comment had me on the floor. Best hour I’ve spent in a long time. Love your blog, Jenni! Whoops! That’s your old-time name…I must remember it’s now “Jen.” Anyway, as I said…LOVE your blog on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

This should just be my wrap up, Laurie.  I couldn't even find half the comments you mentioned, but I believe they're out there.  Take a look, folks.

This response is beyond catty and asinine, and thousands like it have been circulating around the Internet for several weeks. I've gained nothing reading this, but lost quite a bit (mostly, my time and a few brain cells). Your audience is clear: Catty, bored women with nothing else going on. I think you bolster Brick's point, ten-fold. on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

as Marcella said: "Welcome to Jen's blog, Samantha!"  I love it when readers take care of my business.

The real question is...does Gomer think she is attractive? on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

I'm afraid to ask.  My delicate senses can't take anymore rejection and especially if he thinks she's better looking than me.

Like a hooker in a hotel...you nailed this one perfectly. She's a dog and he's a 'salaud' !! on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

I had to Google "salaud" and I got rotten and bastard.  Let's go with bastard - so much better.    Oh and I will be using "hooker in a hotel" in the future.  Great line.

I have enjoyed your blog for awhile now because of your snarky humor. I love snark! I have always thought you were funny but with this post you have shown us something more. You are also an intelligent and compassionate woman. It may hide behind sarcasm and snark most of the time, but it is there. So for those who bash you in comments and make claims that you put other women down.... I hope they read this post and can now see that when it matters, you have another woman's back and speak up for the things that really matter. Hell no that is not fancy clothes or perfect parties. It is self-respect and learning to no longer be used and abused. Good for you on this one Jen! on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

This one made me blush.  You've figured me out.  Thanks for the comment.

I had never heard of her before this, and I hope I never hear of her again. What is she, the Brits' answer to Snooki? Anyway, you replied better than I could. Or at least better than I would. Thanks for that. onOpen Letter to Samantha Brick

I've only been reading for a week, but if we weren't both married, and if I were a lesbian, I would totally make out with you. You complete me. (But I DESPISE Tom Cruise, so the fact that you make me want to quote him makes me want to punch YOU in the throat...) on Ultimate Blog Party 2012 Welcome  

I despise that little man too.  Please don't quote that hideous movie at me, even though you had me at Hello - I mean our shared hatred of Tom.

1. Having never heard of lochia I decided to Google it....That little piece of enlightenment is exactly what I needed at 37 weeks preggo. Guess what I'll be thinking of constantly? Even without the definition the word itself just sounds gross, like areola or caffeine-free. 2. Would eating your own placenta be considered cannibalism or recycling? on Weekly Wrap Up 4.14.12

I'm thinking composting since you make a natural waste by-product.

Such good advice. I would have read it even if it was total crap, because your title is awesome. But you gave me a lot to think about for my own blog. So you're saying that pintrest is more than a soul sucking suburban mom addiction? That'll teach my husband to roll his eyes at me! on My Blogging Advice

Pinterest is the shit.  Pin your posts and watch the readers come.

My 7 year old son came home from school one day last week and said his friend thought I was hot. I have to say, it boosted my ego and I even texted my husband to tell him. I know its sad, but I'll take a compliment from wherever I can get it! on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

I'm not gonna judge since several years ago when I was pregnant with Adolpha I was driving to the grocery store with my windows down and I got to a red light and two teenage boys in the car next to me invited me to a party, because they could use some more "hot girls" there.  I'm sure they were playing me so I'd buy beer, but it didn't matter.  Sometimes when I'm feeling low I still think of those 17 year old boys who called this old, pregnant lady hot.  They were a little grossed out when I said, "I'm 35 and  married....and pregnant."

My 2 year old crawled into bed by us one morning. He put his hand on my cheek and said "Momma. You're so puuurty." My heart swelled. Then he reach over and scratched our dog's ears and said "awww! Puppy, you're so puuurty." And that hallmark moment ended quickly. on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

I noticed Uncle C.B. commented on your blog so I checked out his picture beside his comment...I personally think he is a little nondescript! on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

This is making me giggle. Especially "He's just very...uhh...striking when he walks into a room. (WTF, Gomer? Have you been reading Harlequin Romance novels? Who says that?)" Seriously, where did he get that? Next he'll be saying he's getting the vapors. on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

I am a relatively new reader and I've already read two extremely funny posts recapping conversations in your car with your kids. When you get the van, you might want to rethink the DVD system. Is the loss of great material from your kids and their friends worth the "piece of quiet" (a phrase coined by my youngest) you'll gain from the DVD system? Not to mention the turf wars and the aggravation from them fighting over which disc to watch and/or the enforcement of any rules you put in place regarding it's use? LOVE my 9 year old Odyssey as much as the day I brought it home, and I haven't regretted the lack of DVD for one minute. on Me - For Wanting a Minivan

I'm actually thinking of having the van outfitted with cameras so I can "vlog" my convos with the kids, my writing doesn't do them justice.

Open Letter to Samantha Brick

Dear Samantha,

It's odd.  When I first read your woe is me essay last week lamenting how women hate you because you're beautiful, I reacted like much of the world and immediately started calling you a toad.  I looked at your matronly dress and your thick calves and I thought:  Are beauty standards so much lower in Britain?  If that's the case, I would be smoking hot there!

I then decided your essay must be a joke and you must be a British comedienne I'd never heard of so I started reading your archives expecting to find it riddled with satire.  But, after reading your past work, I realized that you were for real.  I started feeling bad for you and really thought your French husband (Why can you never just call him your husband?  Why must it always be mentioned that he's French?) was a domineering asshat and you should vacate his premises immediately.

In your previous essays you admitted to your problems with dependency upon psychics and you confessed that you spent almost $40,000 on them.  You divorced your first husband, uprooted your life and painted the hall of your home yellow all on the premonition of a psychic.  You freely admitted that you prefer others to make decisions for you.  You finally kicked the psychic habit and then you moved on to your new (French) husband, Pascal.

I was actually working on a nice letter to you for this week.  I was going to stick up for you and I was going to tell you to hang in there.  True, I was going to recommend that you seek professional help for your obvious co-dependency issues and your inflated sense of self that I believe stems from chronic low self-esteem and then you went and wrote another article detailing your fucked up fixation with yourself yet again and blaming it entirely on being a daddy's girl.  Ugh.

Holy crap, lady.  When will you stop?  I cannot be on your side if you continue to act crazy!

Where do I begin?  I feel the need to give you some tough love, Samantha - it's the only kind of love I give, so buckle up.

Let's start with your claim that woman hate you because you're beautiful.  That is not the case at all.  We hate you, because you're a twit.  Who spends 40K on psychics?  Morons.  Besides your poor judgment and inability to manage your money, you give women a bad name.  Women have spent years trying to be judged by our actions and not by our bust lines.  You are single-handedly setting us back 50 years with your nonsense about free champagne on flights and flowers on the street.  (Which, by the way, I barely believe.  Could the pilot please come forward and tell us what he found so alluring about Samantha?)

No one gives a shit if you're attractive or not (which, by the way, I think the world has weighed in at this point with a resounding "No.") and we're uncertain as to why you keep harping on it.  Stop that already.

Next is Pascal.  He sounds like an asshole.  Actually, he sounds like a misogynistic, controlling, domineering asshole who continually berates you and verbally abuses you.  Yes, I said, "abuses."  He abuses you, Samantha.  No husband should threaten to divorce his wife if she gains weight.  No husband should make his wife do a daily weigh in to make sure she's maintaining his desired weight.  No husband should demand that his wife be up and dressed and in full make up before breakfast each morning.  No husband should stop his wife from having an after dinner glass of wine.  No husband should go dress shopping with his wife and pick out the dowdiest clothes he can find for her and then tell her she's sexy.  That purple dress slash sack he selected for the photo shoot?  Not sexy in the least.  It was just cruel for him to tell you that you looked sexy in that dress.  My guess is he told you to write the essay about your beauty, because he knew the world would react the way it did.  He knew it would destroy your confidence and you'd have nowhere to turn, but back into his beefy arms.  He's playing games with you and I don't like it.  Not one bit.

Look, maybe I'm wrong, but I'm just judging Pascal based on all the things you've written about him.  I get it.  I write a ton of shit about my husband that doesn't paint him in the best light too.  The difference is I write satire.  I'm being sarcastic and poking fun at him and emphasizing his flaws.  I don't think you're doing that.  I look at pictures of Pascal with his creepy mustache and his portly belly hanging over his belt (talk about a guy who needs a weigh in) and I think, "That's a man who likes to keep his woman down."

Now, let's talk about your dad.  Your dad sounds like a Jedi mind fuck.  He has 5 daughters and yet he calls you his "No. 1 girl"?  Don't you think behind your back he calls your sisters his "No. 1 girl" as well?  Either way it's screwed up.  You can't all be his No. 1 and yet if he admits that you really are his No. 1 the rest will hate him and you.  Maybe it's not other women who hate you, maybe it's just your sisters, because your dad has created some weird jealousy ring with all of you where you compete for his love and attention.

You say your dad built up your confidence by telling you that you were beautiful.  Why didn't he build you up by telling you that you were smart and fearless and amazing and to never submit yourself to anyone (I'm looking at you, Pascal)?  Why didn't he tell you that you were unstoppable and that you could accomplish anything you wanted?  Why didn't he tell you that should be your own person and that you don't need a man to dress you and tell you that you're beautiful to make you strong and confident?  What happens to your confidence when what looks you have go?

Do you know what my dad used to tell me?  He told me I could be anything.  He never once said, You're the most beautiful girl in this room.  He would say, Be yourself and be confident of your abilities.  This is what the Hubs says to our daughter too.  Sure, we tell her she's pretty, but in the same breath we tell her pretty isn't everything and she needs to get her confidence from inside herself.  She needs to reach down deep and know who she is and like who she is regardless of whether she looks pretty that day or not.

I feel bad for you, Samantha.  I think that your articles are cries for help.  I don't think you have even an eighth of the confidence you claim to have.  When I read your articles I see a woman who has been domineered by men her whole life and told she was a pretty thing for these men to keep their thumbs on.  It started with your dad and now it's Pascal.  I see a woman who trades on her (marginal) good looks to get what she needs.  I see a woman who puts faith and trust in the wrong kinds of people and then is made a victim.

A confident woman wouldn't behave this way.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, GET HELP NOW.

Ultimate Blog Party 2012 Welcome

Hey!  If you're reading this, then I assume you found me at the Ultimate Blog Party 2012.  Thanks for coming by.  It looks like you found me.  (If you didn't find me that way, then I'll fill you in.  UBP is a really cool idea where a bunch of blogs link up together.  We write a little intro - that's what this is - and then we just jump around and visit each other.  I really enjoy the UBP, because I get to find all kinds of new and fun blogs so I highly recommend heading over to 5 Minutes for Mom and checking it out.)  OK, back my intro.

I'm Jen.  I rant more than I write.  I have a potty mouth and I drop F-bombs a lot.  Many of my readers claim we were separated at birth, long lost BFFs or we share a brain.

I live in Kansas.  It doesn't blow as much as you would think.  I've lived in New Jersey and New York and Iowa and Illinois before and I can say that Kansas isn't the worst place I've lived.

I have two fairly well-behaved offspring that I'm hoping will someday be contributing members of society.  One's a boy and one's a girl.  I call them Gomer and Adolpha on here.  They have worse names in real life, I promise.  They're two years apart and share a birthday, so that makes them more rare than normal twins.

I write so I won't kill.

This blog is called People I Want to Punch in the Throat not Rainbows & Unicorns.  I'm a funny, negative, bitchy type of person.  If you can't handle that, then it's been real.  Thanks for stopping by, but don't waste your time flaming me for being a grouch.

Also, this blog is a JOKE.  It's meant to be funny and satirical.  You don't have to take me seriously, because I don't take myself seriously.

If this sounds like your kind of thing and you're still here and you want more, you can see more about me here and here.

I have a Hubs, we met cute.  You can read about that here.  I have a crush on Tina Fey and I want a minivan and I hate elves on shelves.

I've been published on HuffingtonPost.com and I write for Babble.com.

I'm working on a book.  It's not done yet.  I don't know when it will be done.  I have a deadline in mind, but I'm afraid to put it here, because when I make it I'll look like an overachiever and when I miss it I'll look like a loser.  Let's just say that once it's done, you'll be the first to know.

You can follow me on Facebook or Twitter and you can see what I did this week here.

If you laugh out loud, almost pee yourself or spit out your drink when you read my blog, do the world a favor and share it.

Thanks for stopping by!!

Weekly Wrap Up 4.14.12

The week is over and what a week it was.  Let's see, what happened this week?  I gained a lot of new readers this week.  Welcome, welcome.  My in-laws came to visit.  I'm sure I'll share more on that later.  A few of you inquired if I was in the path of the major storms last night.  Thanks for checking on us. No, Kansas City was just outside of the line of storms.  We got some rain and that was it.  We were lucky.  I had my little storm shelter in the basement ready though in case it changed direction.

This week I wrote some things for Babble.com that you can read here.  I was also published on HuffingtonPost.com this week and you can read that here.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms - This one was popular this week.  HuffPost grabbed it for their Parents page and their Comedy page.  Saturday night it brought me this much closer to Tina Fey.  See if you can follow me on this one.  I was featured on HP's Comedy page on the top left hand column and Tina was featured in a clip on the right hand column.  My hope is that she read my piece (which linked to my letter to her) and that now she knows I exist.  If Tina calls me as a result of all that, I'll spit food in my kids' mouths as a thank you to Alicia.

Adolpha Gives Me Advice on Love - What can I say about this one?  How about:  "Adolpha thinks you're a cheating bastard."  I am considering giving Adolpha a guest post in the near future.  She has a lot to say about everything.  She is her mother's daughter.

Idiots on Message Boards - Ironically, this was shared a few times on message boards, but only by geniuses.  I had a lot of requests for the names of these boards.  I found these posts on a few different ones.  Urbanbaby (NYC board, of course), Youbemom (as one reader aptly called it: "a clown car of idiots") and TheBump were the most common ones I trolled.

People Who Think They Should Always Be Happy - This was a repost from the archives.  I think the title sums it up.

Inside MY Closet - This one is still hanging around from last week.  I took a local magazine article and imagined I was the one being interviewed.

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Responses If Necessary):

I strongly dislike when women feel the need to tear down other women. Knowing one person who is crunchy does not make you an expert or even remotely knowledgeable. on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

Who let you in?  No one said I was an expert.  Blah, blah, blah.  Go away.

So if you are pregnant and not planning on eating the placenta, why not make some extra money and sell it on Ebay? on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

I like how you're thinking.  I'm so stupid.  When Gomer was born, the medical professionals actually missed a second placenta I had.  We just had it removed and discarded like medical waste.  Imagine the missed opportunities there.  That could have gone towards his college tuition.

When do the comments get their own like buttons? Not only is the blog fab, but the comments are equally laugh-inducing! comes down to having too much time and money...what fubar-ed idea can we come up with next to be original in our truly individual experience of birthing and raising babies that no one has ever done before! Anyone see Tony Romo's wife in the hospital pic this week? at least she had the backless/assless gown on, but she still looked like a fucking debutante. just like i did. i wonder if the placenta needs to be pre-chewed?? on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

The comments really are great, aren't they?  Especially on this post.  If you have half an hour or so, do yourself a favor and sit down and read the comments on this post beginning to end.  You will not be disappointed.

Thank you for sharing this. I too suffered from serious ppd, that almost turned into psychosis. I had never suffered depression before and had no idea it was coming. I never knew how bad it was until my son was a little over 2 and I made a plan to kill myself. Thank god I had the wherewithall to seek help and get medicated. If swallowing encapsulated placenta means I won't go to that place again, guess what? I would do it in a heartbeat. On a lighter note, this blog is hilarious and celebrities really do make it too easy to mock them. on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

New reality competition "Baby Bat Shit." Minor celebrities line up to compete for post-delivery plastic surgery and have to perform semi-nude photos, placenta eating, etc. Think of it as "America's Next Top Model" meets "Fear Factor." on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

I would watch that.

It you think fish oil burps are bad you should try a placenta capsule. Tastes like lochia. I am vegetarian but decided to eat my placenta as I was fucking psycho while pregnant and very worried about ppd. That first burp almost made me think ppd was a better option. Ps- have some left over for bad days if anyone wants to try one. Hahahhaahahaha! on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

I had to Google "lochia," because I wasn't sure I had the right definition.  Nope.  I was right. If the idea of eating placenta didn't make me gag, the idea of tasting lochia sure did.  Thanks for the upchuck.

Hahaha. I was pregnant in 1966...the glory days of pregnancy when you and your doctor would enjoy a cigarette in the examining room and he would advise you to have a couple of drinks to relax your pregnant self. Breastfeeding? Never came up - they just told you what formula to buy and home you would go after a week in the hospital. At that time only cats ate afterbirth and those little swimming pools were still in the back yard for kids to play in. My kids survived it but these poor Apples, Pipers, and Dakotas and Blues? Will they be able to deal with those naked, pregnant moms when they're teenagers? Thanks for the laugh! Nancy on Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

Her neighbor was eating a cookie in the middle of the day?? Now, to be fair, this doesn't really seem that bad to me, but only because the pigs in MY neighborhood eat entire MEALS in the middle of the day!! I hope she at least had the good sense to throw up afterwards. GAWD!! *flips hair* on Idiots on Message Boards

So any fans from NE Wisconsin, because I think a girls night out to meet us like minded, sarcastic, laugh outloud at OAM's & elves and "whine" over wine is a MUST. I have been waiting for friends I can tell it like I see to......anyone..... on Idiots on Message Boards

Throat Punch Club!  Who wants to join?

I'm laughing 'cause you used, Just sayin' - sometimes the passive aggressive approach is needed. onIdiots on Message Boards

As a woman who helps moderate a very male car forum, it's not a whole lot different on that side of the world. You can't fix stupid. on Idiots on Message Boards

Adolpha is exactly like Yoda! Well, maybe just the wise, short and cute qualities. Not the wrinkley and odd colored qualities. Do you think she can come hang with me for a bit? I have some concerns regarding my boyfriend and I could use her wisdom :) on Adolpha Gives Me Advice on Love

I know you already know this...but, your daughter is a genius. Thank you for this heartwarming and fun piece. P.S. If you husband ever decides to get a girlfriend, I think you have the makings of a great mob here. on Adolpha Gives Me Advice on Love

Hear that Hubs?  A mob.  Watch out.

I've been reading alot of blogs and many are mildly amusing. You are downright hilarious. LOVE THIS. on Adolpha Gives Me Advice on Love

Thank you.  

I hope to God no one ever comes to interview me in our closet. It is fairly organized I suppose but it is also where my husband and I sneak away to have sex. I still have a kid sleeping in our bed and with 9 kids we dont have many options for privacy. That would be one interesting interview!!! "My favorite color is pink but right where you are standing was where we did my favorite position last night"!!! :) onInside MY Closet

Good Lord, woman!  Nine kids AND you have an organized closet AND you still have sex with your husband?  Stop that right now.  You're giving those of us with just 2 or 3 kids and a messy closet a bad name when we say we're too exhausted for sex or laundry.

Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms

Dear Silly Celebrity Moms,

Hi, it's me again.  Jen, the opinionated one.  Or, as my friend, Tina will someday call me:  The Jeneral.

I know, I know.  I can't stop harping on you guys, but you just keep putting your bat shit crazy out there and I can't help myself.  I just have a few suggestions for you and then I'll go back to ranting and raving about minivans and elves.

OK, to start with - can we please, please, please just stop with the semi-naked pregnancy pictures (or post-multiples pregnancy, crazy Nadya Suleman)?  I simply cannot stand to look at another (obviously airbrushed) magazine cover of you guys in all your glory.  No one looks good.  Not even Demi Moore looked that great and she's pretty banging, so the rest of you look fairly revolting.  Please, I beg you, stop posing nude when you're pregnant (or not attractive, Nadya) and unleashing that shit on the world.  ("My eyes!)  Get your attention fix some other way - for instance, start a blog, I find that works for me.

Also, it's bad enough when the young actresses are doing this, but when you trot your sad, desperate ass out and release an old nude pregnancy Polaroid of yourself (on your grown son's birthday - Happy Birthday, Sweetie!  Ewww.), I just want to smack you.  I'm talking to you, Kris Jenner!  At least you weren't airbrushed, but that actually backfired, because everyone else is and so you looked especially bad.  I'll give you props for working the granny panties, though.

The next strange thing I'd like to address is the new phenomenon of "Silverstoning."  You know, when you chew up your baby's food and tongue him down with the paste that you make.  I know the video has been everywhere, but in case you missed how Momma Bear feeds Baby Bear, here you go:

A lot has been said about this parenting technique and I'm ready to add my two cents.  WTF?  Don't you own a blender and a spoon, Alicia?  You're not a cave dweller without modern day tools.  There is no reason to chew up your food and spit it into your child's mouth!  (Actually, it looks a little too close to French kissing for my taste.  I wish you'd just stand back and spit, it would make me feel less icky when I watch the video.)

You're worried about what your baby eats?  You want to make your own baby food?  Fine.  No problem.  Just do what everyone else does!  Get out your blender or buy the Baby Bullet and puree the hell out of your vegan feast and then take a spoon and feed it to your child.  Also, some of us like to feed our children at the table.  Maybe you don't care, but I'm not as wealthy as you are and can't replace my couch when the kid urps chewed up avocado on it.  My children don't spew food anymore and they still aren't allowed to eat on the couch.

I digress.  Let me get back to my point, you've already done a pretty good job screwing him up by naming him Bear, please don't feed him like an animal too.

Next up is January Jones and her placenta eating fetish.

When you're pregnant, the first book someone hands to you is What to Expect When You're Expecting.  There is a chapter in there about weird food cravings.  They cover the basics like pickles and ice cream and whatnot.  Tucked away is a strange chapter about the preggos who want to eat dirt and soap.  I do not remember the chapter about wanting to eat your placenta after the baby is born, dirt was as weird as it got.

I have a crunchy mom friend who reads this blog.  She is a chiropractor and a doula.  If anyone I know would eat her own placenta it would be this girl.  The other day I was in her office being forced into a human pretzel and I asked her if she ever ate her placenta.  It could be my imagination, but I think she almost broke my arm when I asked her.  "Are you crazy?!" she asked.  "Of course not, Jen.  That's nuts!"

So there you go, if my crunchy friend thinks it's nuts, then it must be fucking bonkers.

I read about the procedure and I have to say it's not as gross as you'd think.  The placenta is cooked, dried out and ground up into capsules - much a like a Tylenol.  You just swallow it and go on with your day.

I realize that celebrities aren't like the rest of us.  I think you'd have to be a little crazy to want to be a celebrity and I think being a celebrity would make you a little crazy, so it's a vicious circle.  All I know is that the pressure put on "regular" women to be good moms is tough, I can only imagine what the celebrity moms feel.  

The next celebrity mom who comes along has a high bar to get over.  She'll need to pose naked each trimester when she's pregnant, YouTube the home/water birth live for the world to see, fry up her placenta and eat it like a steak, chew up a few bites of placenta and mouth feed them to the newborn with breast milk, the dad will need to eat a piece too so he can properly bond with the baby, pose naked a week later to show that her body has "bounced" back, practice diaperless potty training and unschooling,  and co-sleep with the child until adulthood, oh yeah and then pose naked again at this point to show she's "still got it."

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Weekly Wrap Up 4.7.12

Another week gone!  I don't know about you, but this week went by in a flash!  I got lots of great comments and even a few nasty ones, so let's get to it!


Inside MY Closet - This one is my new favorite I think.  I actually cracked up while I was writing it and I never do that.  I'm a little surprised I haven't heard from her yet telling me off.  I guess I flatter myself to think I have any Tory Burch-wearing JoCo moms with the guts to send it to her with a little note saying, "Saw this and thought it was hysterical - any publicity is good publicity, right?  BTW, you looked ah-MAY-zing!  So jealous of how skinny you looked!  xoxo"

The Angriest Asian Man - The Hubs pissed me off (again) and I documented it for everyone to see the madness that I live in.  I challenged the Hubs to start a blog.  He tried.  For a day and experienced writer's block.  I gave him a button on my blog where I could feature him.  He felt the pressure of the fans waiting for his words of wisdom.  He caved.  He has now retreated back to behind the scenes (where he is wonderful) and admitted out loud that I am the better writer and he doesn't know how I do it.  Ahhh....bliss.  Couples therapy could not have achieved this sort of balance in our marriage.

My Blogging Advice - Pretty much what it says.  I realize this post didn't appeal to the masses, but I know I have a lot of fellow bloggers who read this blog and I wanted to get this info to them.  

My Rules for Playdates -  Playdate rules, PIWTPITT style. 


I find it hilarious that your comment in another post about giving someone permission to spank your child went untouched, but mention you wear Crocs and you recieve lots of feedback! Love the blog, hate crocs, but to each thier own... on Inside MY Closet

I did get a lot of shit for my Crocs, but I'm not gonna change.  (Actually, summer is coming.  I'll switch out to flip flops pretty soon.)  I think the fact that I could say "spank my child" and no one says anything, but I say "I wear Crocs" and it blows up the comments is a good indicator of how funny my readers are.  They GET sarcasm and they understand the difference between when I'm telling the truth and when I'm being sarcastic.  Yay!!
Are you fucking kidding me? This makes me sick! I just read the article you are referring to, and she needs to take a knee and punch herself in the face repeatedly. First off, her shirt looks like my grandmother's upholstered couch in Florida. It hurts my eyes. Second, her pride in the fact she switch all her hangers to "slimline" is ridiculous. It is definitely something I am sure I would over her a group of OAMs discuss during their afternoon lunch. WHO CARES?! It just baffles me the length some people go to get attention. But hey, to each their own. Maybe I am just jealous I don't have an amazingly beautiful closet to fill. Just like you, Jen, I am glad my closet has a door! It's a mess. Then again, I do share it with my husband... on Inside MY Closet

Why is it so honorable to be a mom who doesn't take time to care about her appearance? Why do you think this person is vapid just because she likes and apparently has the money to buy expensive items? I thought the post was hilarious and I know this is a humor site, but some of the comments judging this person so harshly are sad. Obviously this isn't the forum for women supporting women, but geez... I am a successful, working mom of two who also loves fashion, uses Slimline hangers, would gladly save up for a pair of designer shoes and envy this women who has a closet full of them! And, I absolutely wish I could GTL. Good for her, but not bad for the moms who don't choose that, good for them too. Yeah Team... :) on Inside MY Closet

OK, let me be clear.  I don't think any of us would say that we don't take ANY time to care about our appearance.  What I'm saying is that I don't base my entire existence around what fucking "piece" I should wear today to make the right "wardrobe statement" at the PTO meeting.  I have the money to buy "pieces," but I would never spend that kind of money on clothes.  It just isn't my style.  I think this is what is wrong with a lot of people who live around me.  They are intent upon making people "envious" of their lifestyle.  You admitted yourself that you're envious.  Please, don't be envious of her.  That's exactly what people like her feed on.  If magazines like this did profile "real" stay at home moms they wouldn't sell, because no one is envious of a G,T,L that includes take out the Garbage, Toddler luncheons and Laundry everywhere.  

Wait.....she's a retired physical therapist? Really retired? Or stopped working to stay at home? Don't you usually put in 25-30 years for it to be considered retired? on Inside MY Closet

Jen, Jen, Jen--love you but admitting you have crocs? You have crossed the line. ;) on Inside MY Closet

I could have written the wardrobe description too: black, khaki, tan and brown. Being a fan of Target I'm surprised you don't own any Merona tShirts or Champion yoga pants! $20 vs $100 for that Lulu crap is a big difference. Thanks for blogging, I've been reading since that OAM Elf story. Too funny. on Inside MY Closet

I hope Target reads this.  I HATE anything Merona.  I don't know if it's me or what, but that stuff falls apart.

YOU, my dear, are fucking hilarious! I laughed out loud at forgetting Christmas presents in closet cubbies for two years, I am guilty of this. I also have a rather large collection of blavk v-neck t-shirts in varyng degrees of fadedness (I make up words when it helps get my point across. I wear black not because of my huge boobs, I have the opposite problem, but because black usually goes with everything and every pair of pants I own is either khaki or black so I don't have to make a half assed attempt at trying to coordinate some horrendous outfit that looked decent in my dimmly lit closet. Thank you for blogging about your life and feelings, I cannot tell you how many times I have read a post and yelled "EXACTLY!" at my computer. Keep up the good work! on Inside MY Closet

I'm addicted to your blog and I'm pretty sure that if my job knew just how addicted I am, they'd can me. If your blog somehow became a sitcom, you can bet your cargo pants I'd watch. on Inside MY Closet

You hear that, NBC?  That's ONE person who would watch my sitcom.  Surely, that's enough for us to shoot a pilot, right?  I think Rachel Dratsch would be perfect to play me.  I just read that she's looking for work.  

I'm jealous that you live so close to Target... My husband actually told me the other day that I should start dressing like an adult. Be more professional. He thinks I should be shopping and Chico and Coldwater Creek. I'll be 29 in 10 days... plus I'm 220lbs. and pregnant... Apparently yoga pants and t-shirts aren't appropriate for an almost-30-year-old pregnant SAHM. That already has 2 kids. LMAO! onInside MY Closet

OK, good news first, you don't ever need to worry that your husband could be gay.  A gay man would never send you to Coldwater Creek.  Bad news, your husband has a thing for the "old lady" look.  Haha.  I thought this was the funniest comment of the week.  

OK, wait, um, OK, I'm done barfing after reading that article. Are you like an outcast there? Are they all like that there? OMG, you poor thing to live in that area. When my kids were little, sweats and sneakers were the norm. The color? Whatever looked good with spit-up. on Inside MY Closet

I am not an outcast.  I'm not queen of the ball either.  I have a nice group of regular women and OAMs with senses of humor who I hang out with.  We laugh at ourselves, each other and those around us.  

OMG, the more I read your blog, the more I fall in love with you! I"m going to start stalking you Tina Fey style!! You rock, I laugh my ass off every time I read your blog! Keep up the great work! on Inside MY Closet

Ha! Love it! Glad to have found you & to read the "sometimes you're gonna suck" part - sometimes I'll put something up there that I know sucks - and I've got nothing better because even though I've stared at the computer for a week - I've got nuttin :) Have a great day & thank you!! on My Blogging Advice

Solid advice, Jen. I think the one area where I fail is writing posts that are topical and deal with current events. The rest I'm not too bad at. I just need to find my people!! :) on My Blogging Advice

I don't usually get religious on here, but finding your "people" is like a gift from God.  No lie.  I love my people and I am thankful everyday that they found me and/or I found them.  Keep at it!

Thanks, Jen. I like you because you don't care if I like you. I need to worry less about satisfying my readers. on My Blogging Advice

And I should probably worry a little more, but I just can't.

Nope. I don't care what you say. I ain't doing it. My skin's too thin, and you're fan-f'ing-tastic at it. Plus it sounds like too much work. I'd rather read your blog and hammer down my second (who's she kiddin' -- third glass of wine) while reading your blog. Keep it up, you are truth and nothing but. Atta girl! on My Blogging Advice

Wow. I feel even more humbled that you left a comment on my blog's little Disney story about the hawk, baby ducklings and pool of death! I like your tips, but mostly I just like your voice. And I think that's why people keep coming back. Good for you, and thanks for encouraging all us wee bloggers out there. onMy Blogging Advice

Funniest Disney story I've ever read.  I even read that one out loud to the Hubs (a rarity since he has no patience for me reading out loud).  I'm too lazy to Google it, but please post the link in the comments so everyone can enjoy the horrors that can occur at Disney.

Great advice, thanks! I started my blog at the end of December and have 11 followers! Woo hoo! And I got my first 2 official negative comments from complete strangers, so I think I might be on to something. Remember, all press is press, good or bad :) One more thing: write about what you are passionate about. When I was planning my blog, a friend asked me, "aren't you afraid you are going to run out of things to write about?" I laughed out loud and said, "when have I ever run out of things to talk about?" She knew I was right. on My Blogging Advice

Once you start getting negative comments, you know you're onto something.  You can't please everyone - and you shouldn't.  

Annnnd...the decision to be single for life is validated. Thank you! on The Angriest Asian Man

This could be your funniest blog yet - while I always LOL, I have tears streaming down my face. Thank you for reminding me why I should remain single. No cranky pants in my house! on The Angriest Asian Man

I heard a new one the other day and thought it was hilarious....He isn't "cheap" he is a "cost-sensitive American." I got nothing for him being an ass..an asshole is an asshole no matter how you slice it. onThe Angriest Asian Man

Why does it make me feel so good I'm not alone? I love that I'm not the only one who deals with this man shit too. on The Angriest Asian Man

Ya, the problem in my house is that my hubs "cycle" seems to have synced up with mine. So now we're both super bitchy....this is a good combo for sure. on The Angriest Asian Man

Throw him a bang. That should help. on The Angriest Asian Man

He's gotta earn it and that sort of attitude doesn't work around here.

Wow - or teach your kids to not be judgmental asshats. Skanks. Wow. Maybe *you* should grow up and not take your own negative self-image baggage out on your offspring? I don't think you'll have any luck teaching anyone how to be funny (or a decent writer) and it's kinda sad to see so many "adults" take so much delight in tearing a woman to shreds because of an outfit. You people are gross. Let me pose a question - If you judge a young woman for wearing a revealing outfit to get attention as a crappy person - would that same logic apply to a snarky blog writer who took a bunch of cheap shots to get hits? on Rules for Raising a Boy - 18 (Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

I have a negative self-image, because I think that when a girl (and her mother) submit a slutty (yes, it's slutty) looking picture of her to her HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK that makes her a skank?!  OK, doctor, I guess I have a negative self-image.  Wait a minute, fuck you, I don't.  Here's the thing.  That kid is an attention whore who has been raised by an idiot.  No parent in their right mind would consider that picture appropriate for anything let a lone a high school yearbook.  If that's a "cheap shot" then fine, I'll take it - every single time.  

Want to hear my assessment of YOU?  I think you're a passive parent who lets your kids call all the shots.  I think you think it's perfectly OK for your daughter to dress like that, because she's "expressing" her individuality or some dumb shit like that.  Be a parent.  Tell your child NO.  Tell your child that when she dresses like that, people will never give a shit about anything she has to say. 

I'll preface this with saying I though most of the "rules" were fairly amusing. I'm a single mother raising three sons aged 10-14, and I'm doing it without any male role models in the picture, so I'm always looking for tips. That being said: I'm disgusted by your number 1 rule. With all the young girls out there committing suicide because they're being called sluts, whores, skanks, etc, how can you post something so irresponsible? In this day and age, slut-shaming is reprehensible and is a seriously degrading way to live your life. Teaching our sons to look at the way a woman dresses in order to judge whether or not she'd be a good life partner is sexist, misogynist, and vile. I hope you don't actually have sons, because they're likely to grow up abusive rapists. on Rules for Raising a Boy - 18 (Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

Wow, this post is getting some play again this week, huh?  It must have been posted on a message board somewhere for Women Who Take Themselves Way Too Seriously and Have an Overwhelming Need to Tell About It.

OK.  First of all, thanks for the backhanded compliment with "fairly amusing."  I got your passive aggressive loud and clear.  I would argue that most of the girls who are committing suicide were actually NOT sluts and did not even act or look like one (I'm thinking of Phoebe Prince in particular here).  You can read above about why I called this girl a skank and why I stand by it.

As for YOU calling my son a future "abusive rapist."  Fuck you and your mother.  Holy cow.  You just called me out for calling a girl a skank and called ME irresponsible and then YOU turn around and called my son a future rapist?  My head is spinning.  Truly.  You think my son will be a rapist because I told a girl she dresses like a skank and so I must be raising a rapist?  Your logic is astounding to me.  You have some serious issues, lady.  I am cracking jokes and you're calling a little boy a future rapist.        

People ask me all the time, "Would you really punch someone in the throat?" and I always reply, "Of course not."  Today I would like to change my answer.  If you were standing here and you said that to me to my face (which you would never do, you piece of chicken shit) I would punch you in the throat.  Definitely.  Get off my blog and don't come back.

What I find quit disturbing is the person who shared this fantastic article on Facebook (and those who commented on the post) are parents of children whom we have banned from our homes for the exact reasons listed AND more! They shouldn't be too surprised if and when I punch them in the throat. on My Rules for Playdates

I'd like to give Facebook a nice punch, because I cannot find your page ANYWHERE. I've been feeling so left behind lately. on Got a Punch?

What??!  That needs to be fixed ASAP.  You can join my page through the blog - see the button that says LIKE US ON FACEBOOK - big blue button on the top right hand column.  Or just click here.

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