My Rules for MOMS at Playdates

A few months ago I came up my list of rules for playdates for KIDS.  Many of you asked me for rules for playdates for MOMS.  These are the rules I came up with.

Keep in mind, these are rules for the moms on the periphery of my children's social scene.  There are many moms who I am close to and whose children play with mine very often (I'm looking at you Sandy, Sherry, Mary, Jamie, Misty, etc.).  We don't need rules, because we're all normal with one another.  I do not want these mothers to think these rules are for them, because they are not.  

The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot

The other day the Hubs was scrolling though some of the Twitter profiles of my readers.  He does this on occasion.  It's actually very helpful usually because it's always good to know who's following you.  Today he stopped short when he found one:

Hubs:  Whoa.

Me:  What?

Hubs:  Nothing.

Me:  What?  Is it a famous person?  Am I finally going to get my own Wil Wheaton?

Jen & Friends' Endless Conversation Loop

A couple days ago I showed you the annoying summer conversations I've been overhearing lately.  I didn't want to you think that my conversations are any better.  They're just not as annoying...to me.  So here's what it would be like if I ran into 2 of my friends at Target, the pool and/or, the movies:

Me:  I'm trying to keep Gomer and Adolpha out of my hair this summer.  I can't get any work done.  They're always bugging me for food and shit.  Gomer!  Put down the Lego set.  You don't need another one!

Sandy:  I know what you mean!  Every time you come to my house Adolpha is asking for food.  Do you ever feed her?  Just kidding.  No I'm not.

Designer Vaginas are a Thing Now

I don't know about you ladies, but as I get older I'm finding that a lot of things are .... changing.

My laugh lines aren't disappearing when I'm done laughing, my middle is getting softer, I'm taking more and more trips to the hairdresser to keep the gray hairs under control, and my libido isn't what it used to be.

None of these bother me (and the Hubs) as much as my waning sex drive. I've been looking everywhere for a solution and I've yet to find one. Until today.

Suburban Moms' Endless Conversation Loop

I should know better by now.  If I leave my house I'm going to encounter people who bug me.  In the last few weeks I've left the house a lot.  I've been spending a lot of time at the pool and the movies and shopping.  I encountered so many groups of moms clustered in Target aisles, observing swimming lessons and/or waiting for a movie to start.  I could overhear their conversations and I realized they talk about the same shit.  All.  The.  Time.  It didn't matter where I was, it was just variations of the same conversation on a loop.  Here's a mash up with all the topics covered:

42-Year-Old Women are HOT (No, That's Not a Typo)

A lovely man named Tom Junod wrote an article for Esquire magazine where he sang the praises of 42-year-old women. I'm not sure how young Tom is, but I'm imagining him as a strapping 19-year-old with a full head of hair, tight abs, and sparkly green eyes. Because according to him 42 is the most alluring and sexy age. That's right. He thinks 42-year-old ladies are MILFs. A lot of his reasoning has to do with feminism and life experience and a good sense of humor. I think. I had a hard time following the article, because all I could focus on was the fact that for once in my life I'm HAWT.

That's right, people. I am the hottest age evah. Suck it, forty-year-olds.

The Most Epic Bridezilla Ever

Many of us have been bridesmaids in our lives for friends and family members.  Every bride thinks a bridesmaid should feel really special because she is one of the "chosen few."  There can only be one . . . or four . . . or 15. . . of your closest friends to stand up with you in poufy taffeta ensembles and dyed to match shoes on the most important day of your life.

Sure most of the brides we stood up with were really cool to be around, but we've all had that one bridezilla friend.  Y'know, that one who ran her wedding like a corporate board meeting where she handed out agendas and time tables for everyone that included times for them to "be on deck" for the photographer or gave each bridesmaid a bag of "must have" items like bendy straws (can't wreck the bride's lipstick when you're trying to keep her hydrated) or Shout Wipes (for when the bride is a moron and can't control her bendy straw and gets lipstick on her dress when the bendy straw falls out of her mouth and onto her dress).

Oh wait, that was me.  I was that bride.

Yup, I was a bit of a psycho.  In those days my job was to organize and plan board meetings for a large multi-national company in NYC and I pretty much ran my wedding like a board meeting.  It might have been a little crazy for the people participating in the wedding, but I tell you what, my wedding ran like fucking clockwork.  (Except for the damn cleaning crew that was supposed to clean the church.  Instead my wedding party stayed behind and cleaned the church while the rest of us went to the reception!  It still gets me mad when I think about that.)