People I Want to Punch in the Throat


Pet Amber Alert

Have you seen me-ow?
In one week I have received three annoying phone calls from the same organization. It's the Pet Amber Alert company.

Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!

Sexy Halloween Costumes

Halloween is fast approaching and everyone is working on their costumes. Adolpha will be a dead bride this year and Gomer wants to be a banana. Uhh ... OK, kids, challenge accepted. I've designed a gray, tattered wedding dress and veil for Adolpha and you should see the bouquet of black flowers I made her! I'm only an overachiever at Halloween. The banana costume was a lot easier. I went to the store and bought it. I have no idea how to make a banana costume! My glue gun skills are limited.

We attend a few Halloween events every year and the kids really enjoy it when the Hubs and I dress up in a costume. The Hubs has a shirt that says "This is my costume" (did you really expect more?) and I always try to come up with something last minute.

This year I thought I might get a jump on the holiday and actually find a costume before the day of. I started looking online last night and I was so annoyed by what I found for women's Halloween costumes. It wasn't just the usual sexy nurse or frisky pirate or naughty witch. The costumes I found were ridiculous.

Sure, there has been a trend for a while now where girls' and women's costumes are getting sluttier and sluttier, but come on! You should see the shit I found.

Check out these doozies I found on

8 Ways to Say "F*ck You"

8 Ways to Say "Fuck You"

I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.

I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!

The Mom Who Brought Vagina Cookies for School Snack

Have you ever brought baked treats into your child's classroom? I bet you have. Maybe a cupcake or a cookie. Maybe you're the parent who brings the fruit or veggie tray. Maybe all you could manage were individually wrapped cheese sticks. All fine snacks, right? I bet never once did you think to yourself, "Ooooh, I should bring vagina cookies to my second grader's class today!"

That's because you're not insane.

That's right, here's a story that's going around Reddit that I thought I'd share with you. Some cuckoo lady who loves her lady bits brought a tray of vagina pastries to her second grader's classroom the other day. She plopped her pan of pussies on the teacher's desk and demanded they be handed out and enjoyed to their fullest. She felt like this was a good teaching moment for 7 year olds to learn about the finer nuances of what makes a vagina so special. What better way to do this than through cookies?

The Things MY Kids Think We Do While They're at School

My kids have been in school for a little over two weeks.  They love school.  They can't wait to see their friends, they thrive when they have a routine and they adore their teachers.  I love that they love school, because it makes my job so much easier that I don't have to fight them out the door every morning and they're happy when they get home every afternoon.

HOWEVER, my kids are certain - absolutely certain - that as much as they loooove school, they are missing some good stuff at home.  They are positive that the Hubs and I are having a ton of fun without them.

Here is what they think we're doing all day while they're at school:

Open Letter to Bra Manufacturers

If your bra can handle these, then let's talk!
Dear Bra Manufacturers,

Hi there.  I'm Jen.  I am a 40 year old mother of two.

Actually, allow me to introduce myself in a language you can understand: I'm a 38 DDD.

I have always had a ridiculous time bra shopping for these small boulders I carry around and I'm always cursing your names.  You've probably heard me yelling "Damn you, Maidenform, and your barbed underwire!" or "I hate you, Vicki!  Your secret is to just push everything to the top and hope it stays put!" from various dressing rooms around the country.

Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said I wasn't enjoying third grade? All because Gomer won't kiss me good bye and he only wants to wear swishy shorts, which are really the boys' equivalent of yoga pants.

Well, in case my heart wasn't already broken in two, he finished me off on Friday. My baby is no longer a baby.

We were driving in the car and we have some of our best conversations in the car and Friday's was no different. Gomer was prattling on about something he did on the playground and I was concentrating on my Candy Crush game (Relax! Hubs was driving!) so there was a lot of me going "Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. Wow." And that's when Gomer said, "So then I got kicked in the nuts."