People I Want to Punch in the Throat

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Over Achieving Moms and Their Kids' Birthday Parties


It seems like we will never run out of areas for over achieving moms to dominate.  Birthday parties have been a recurring theme that keeps popping up from my readers.  Every week I get emails begging me to take on the over achieving birthday party moms.  All of these emails contain links that send me to over the top birthday parties - each one more outrageous than the next.  Since I've recently been called a "troll" for sending coveted page views to public blogs such as these, I will refrain from posting links to the parties (their loss).  I can say, these are all real parties and I bet with a little sleuthing you will be able to find them.

One was a whimsical Cat in the Hat first birthday where the baby has no clue who Dr. Seuss is or why it's hysterical and adorable all at the same time that he's eating green eggs and ham in a house covered (literally COVERED) in red and turquoise bunting and crepe and balloons and other Dr. Seuss-themed shit.  I think there were at least 5 different kinds of cupcakes to choose from besides the striped hat cake.  No matter how much the parents paid for a professional photographer to take pictures of this birthday, beautiful pictures can never cover the fact that the cake was melting because of the heat and they dressed the poor kid in some kind of linen one piece jumper thing with his initials embroidered on the front that will haunt him into adulthood.

The Hubs' Ego

Courtesy: The Hubs
One morning the Hubs and I were watching the news and there was a story about a family fishing and as they were reeling their fish into the boat, a shark came out of nowhere and bit the fish off the line.  They showed the video and the Hubs said, "Ha!  Forget the fish, I'd go after that shark!"

"What?" I said.

NSFW! I Need an Education


If you're at work, stop right now. This is NSFW. Come back tonight when you're at home and no one is spying on you.

Earlier this week, my friend Suzanne from Toulouse and Tonic made some wine bottle memes. She asked me and some friends if we thought they were funny. Several of them were funny, but there was one in particular that I didn't get. I just figured it must be some kind of inside secret between Suzanne and her readers. But then. ALL of the other women she'd asked for opinions from started commenting: "OMG, the FUPA one is hilarious." "Love the FUPA one."

FUPA, FUPA, FUPA.

People Who Text and Drive


I have had it with drivers who text.

This week I am noticing an epidemic of people who are texting while driving.  One of these days I will be hit by a texting driver and I won't be happy about it.  I'm not talking about those people who text and drive 80 mph down the highway.  We've all seen those commercials that are meant to scare the shit out of us with their half finished text messages and a family member saying, "This was the text Julie was sending me when she ran up the back end of a tractor trailer.  I miss Julie."  I feel like those are the 80 mph texters.  I hope to God I'm never hit by one of those.  Luckily I haven't seen any of those kinds of texters.  I'm just talking about the idiots who are driving down side streets and sort of drift into my lane or slow down to 20 mph to add a fucking emoticon, because they can't text and drive at the same time.  Ironically, they're probably texting something like, "I'm running late.  Will be there as soon as I can. :)"  Maybe if you stopped texting and just drove, you wouldn't be so late!  They can barely chew gum and jump rope at the same time so what makes them think they can operate heavy machinery and type on a tiny keyboard at the same time?

Goody Bags that are Nicer than the Gift My Kid Gave


We all know that birthday parties have become outrageous and ultra-competitive - that's yesterday's news.  The new frontier is the dreaded goody bag.

The goody bag has always been the bastard of the birthday party.  It's a throw away.  An afterthought.  Because it's the bastard it's always been full of cheap junk or teeth rotting candy.  It's a small token that says, I just paid about twelve to fifteen bucks for your kid to come celebrate my kid's birthday and we appreciate your $12-25 gift so here is your bag of shit.  Thanks for coming and see you next month at your kids' party!

Gomer's Happy Mother's Day Post


Gomer  has decided he'd like to guest post today.  Here is an (unedited) "vertical poem" he wrote for me for Mother's Day:


Let's Celebrate ALL Moms This Mother's Day


It's Mother's Day this weekend and I've been thinking about all of the mothers that I love to poke fun at. This is the one day of the year when I don't care how you raise your child, because for those 24 hours we are sisters in solidarity. So, I'm wishing every one out there a Happy Mother's Day and I hope you all get what you want.

If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give: