People I Want to Punch in the Throat


Heartless Homeowner's Association Denies Sick Child Her Wish

Today I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I saw an epic throat punch story happening almost literally in my back yard. I couldn't resist chiming in. I know a lot of you have read my Suburban Scourges book think I exaggerate about how awful some of the people are who live near me. I think this story will show you that I can't make this shit up.

Picture courtesy of the family
So, here's the story. There is a six-year-old girl named Ella who lives in a nearby town. She is very sick with cancer and she applied to Make-a-Wish. Her wish? It wasn't a trip to Disney or a hot air balloon ride. She wanted a playhouse. She wanted a playhouse in her backyard that she could play in on days when she felt strong enough. Make-a-Wish said: DONE. Then JE Dunn (a big time construction firm that builds stuff like the performing arts center) stepped up and said, We'll build it. We'll make it perfect. We'll even match the shingles on the houses in the neighborhood.

Then Ella's parents took their proposal to their Homeowner's Association (HOA) and the board looked it over and then said, NO.

People Who Complain They're Busy, But They're Busy With Stupid Stuff

Does that title make sense?  I doubt it.  Let's see if I can explain.

OK, so you know those people who complain about how busy they are - but it's not with work or anything really "important"?  It's more like, "Oh gawd, I'm sooooo busy, because Eustace and Duncan and Dorset have Tae Kwon Do on Mondays, baseball practice on Tuesdays, violin and cello on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, soccer all day on Saturdays, baseball for the OTHER team they play for Wednesdays, and Kumon on Fridays."  My head wants to explode just reading that.

A few years ago, before I had any kids, I was showing a house to my client and on the wall of the kitchen the home owners had a schedule with different colors for each kid.  They had four kids and from what I could gather each child participated in 2-3 activities per week and didn't get home from their activities before 9 PM on most nights.  These were elementary and middle school aged kids.  When did they eat dinner?  When did they do their homework?  What time did they finally get to bed?  When did they have time to play with their Ponies and Legos or ride their bikes?

Lies Dads Tell

We all know about telling little white lies to our kids.  This dad lies to his daughter everyday for a reason.  These are the kinds of sacrifices we make for our kids. 

CLICK HERE if the video does not load.

Disclaimer: I was not paid by Metlife to share this.

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Parents Who Let Their Children Dress Sexy

By now you've figured out that I don't like weak parents.  I don't like parents who let the kids call all the shots.  I don't like parents who want to be their children's friend.  I don't like parents who sigh heavily and say, "Well, what can I do?  Jax refuses to wear a coat when it's snowing out."

Be a fricking adult and tell your kid:  "Jax, you will wear your coat today because it is cold out.  When the temperature is warmer than 70 degrees, you will no longer have to wear a coat.  Today is 30 degrees, so it is a coat day.  Please put on your coat so we can go to school."  If that doesn't work you take Jax's Legos away every day he fights you on the coat.  We all know, Jax is very bright (so you keep telling us) so he'll catch on after the first day I'm sure.

Top 10 Tips to Reuse Lint

You all know by now that I have a cheap bastard for a husband. He is always following me around the house turning off lights leaving me to work in the dark, making our thermostat so cold our pipes freeze, taking me out to eat at buffets and any place he has a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. Because of this, I'm always looking for new frugal, money saving tips to keep my marriage strong and healthy, because I'm a good wife.

My friend Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Mom recently brought a pin on Pinterest to my attention and suggested I take a look. It was called "Reusing Dryer Lint - Frugal Tips."

Hmmm. That sounded interesting. While I've never heard the Hubs complain outright about the amount of lint we waste every year, I thought he might appreciate my proactive approach to saving. When I clicked the link, imagine my surprise to find a fun craft you can do with your children and dryer lint. You can make a sock puppet and shove it full of dryer lint as the stuffing. Yay!!! (Did the sarcasm font work there? Sometimes it doesn't always work.)

Now, my other friend, Robyn, at Hollow Tree Ventures noticed something interesting, "Hey, they promised you tipS, but really there is only one. Surely there are other things you can do with your dryer lint besides stuff a sock?"

You know what? She was absolutely right. Think of all the people who can't make a sock puppet and yet they want to reuse their dryer lint too! So, a bunch of us put our heads together and thought long and hard about other uses for dryer lint this is what we came up with:

People Who Treat Their Dogs Like Children

So far since I started this blog no one has outright flamed me and called me a jerk, but I think today might be that day.  I know many of you out there are dog lovers and I fully expect to hear from a couple of you.

Let me start by saying I've never had a dog.  I never even wanted a dog.  Once I dog-sat for my brother's dogs for a weekend and I thought I'd die from the pressure (because in those days, those dogs WERE his kids and I was terrified one was going to die on my watch).  I don't really like dogs.  I think they're cute and adorable and what not, but I also think they stink, they make a big mess and they're expensive.  I've already got two kids who are cute, adorable, stinky, make big messes and cost me a ton of money why in the world would I bring a dog into the mix??  Now that I've made that list I can see how people might think they're similar - but I don't.

Sh*t Kids Say

I was reading the comments on my minivan confession and someone had the wonderful idea to keep track of shit kids say.  I believe the quote was "Between kids and old people, they say the funniest stuff."  I couldn't agree more!!  I bleeped the title so you can share easily with your Facebook and Twitter friends and not offend them too much.

So today I started making a list of things my own kids (Gomer and Adolpha) say.  Of course, they weren't their normal hilarious selves once I started keeping track.  Luckily, my friend's kids (Clarence, Boris, Malachai, Eugenie and Olympia) came to the rescue.

As always, this is a work in progress so be sure to add the sh*t you've heard kids say to the comments.