People I Want to Punch in the Throat


10 Simple Self-Care Ideas

I was recently asked what I do for self-care.

"Self-care?" I scoffed. "What's that?" My husband had been out of town for several weeks and I was doing all the jobs: mom, dad, chef, chauffeur, cleaner, bill-payer, etc. I wasn't getting enough sleep, enough vegetables, or enough alone time. (Not even at bedtime since my kids were camping out on the floor of my bedroom so we could make memories and all that good stuff.) Self-care was the very last thing on my mind.

"Yes, do you exercise? Meditate? Paint?"

The conversation was stressing me out. Who knew self-care was so stressful?? 

To me, the idea of working out didn't sound like self-care. I know I'm supposed to set a good example for my kids, though. They should see me with a running high and think, "I want that too!" Instead, they see me with a donut and they're like, "I want that too!" Hmm...I could get off the couch during commercials, though, and do some crunches or something. That would be beneficial. 

That got me thinking: The kids are back in school this week. I now have hours that I spend flitting around on the internet with no one begging for attention or a ride to the mall. I could use some of that time for self-care. I could show my kids that it's just as important to take care of myself as it is to take care of them. Because if Mama isn't happy, nobody's happy. But did I really want to make yet another list I'd probably give up on? I could take baby steps and make a list of small, easy, manageable self-care steps. 

But I had no idea where to begin. What is self-care? Besides yoga and running, what else counts as self-care? I wondered. I decided to do what I always do when I don't know the answer: I Googled that shit. I found tons of helpful lists out there and they inspired me to make my own.

Here's a list of some self-care things I'm committed to trying this year:

1. Read a book. Done and done. I decided to set the bar low at the beginning so I'd really feel like I was accomplishing something. It's like when you make a To-Do List and the first item is "Make a list" and you can cross that off right away.

2. Take a bubble bath. Ooh, I do that a lot too, I like to be clean and bubbly. Self-care is easy! I'm killing this list!

3.  Take a walk. My first thought was, "To where?" Are we walking to the park? To the store? I'm a goal-oriented person and I need a goal and I need a reward. For instance, I would totally walk a mile to the ice cream shop. I decided to walk around the neighborhood and look at the clouds (another suggestion on many lists, so now it's like having two self-care items in one). 

4. Edit your social media friends. Hmm, this could be a good one for me. I'm surrounded by a lot of online toxicity these days and it would be nice to purge a bit. I wield the ban stick pretty freely, but I still keep around a lot of people who bring me down. It wouldn't hurt to cull the list.

5. Cook a fancy meal. This is going to be really hard for me. I'm a terrible cook. I don't enjoy cooking. I wouldn't find it at all relaxing or entertaining, but maybe if I just let go of all my fears and expectations of burned food, I'll see that cooking can be fun??? I don't know. I'll keep you posted on that one.

6. Hug someone for at least 15 seconds to boost the immune system. I think I hug people a lot, but I probably don't hug for a full 15 seconds. I'm going to start paying more attention to the hugs I give. To be present and to really mean it when I hug someone.

7. Skip household chores guilt-free for an entire day. After walking, cooking, and hugging, I decided I needed another easy one and this one sounded doable. 

8. Laugh. Okay, this is one I do daily. I didn't realize it counted as self-care, so I guess I do practice self-care! Yay, me! Seriously, though, there are so many benefits to laughing. We are living in an uptight, sandy, pissed-off world and we need a release. Laughter can do that for you. My goal every day is to make people laugh and to make sure that I laugh too. We have to laugh at ourselves and we have to laugh at our circumstances or we will probably explode. It's true, that's science, folks.

9. Do a mini-declutter. The key word here is "mini." You don't have to KonMari the shit out of your closet, but you know you've got some jeans in there from 1997 that are never going to work for you again. Get rid of 10 items and call it a day.

10. Light some candles and enjoy a glass of wine. This one came up a lot on various lists I found. Wine and alcohol always seem to be a go-to for people when they're thinking about self-care. I don't disagree that a glass of wine at the end of a long day can be deeply rewarding, but I think we have to be careful of the quantity we're consuming. And for me, it wouldn't even be every day. I don't plan to do anything else on this list daily--except read--so I can't plan to unwind with wine and alcohol every day either.

I think this list is a good start. I found a lot of other simple changes I can make, too. Like just sitting for five minutes or turn off all distractions and watch nature or driving aimlessly with the radio blasting. All of these are easy re-charges for busy, over-worked, stressed out women and I encourage you to make a list that works for you. Like, if running a marathon and knitting scarves are your thing, then you do you. Just make sure that you're mindful of what you're choosing to do to care for yourself, because our kids are watching and they're learning from us. 

What do you do for self-care? Leave me a comment.

This post was sponsored by and I am part of the #Asklistenlearn blogger program. All views and opinions are my own. Thanks to for always encouraging me to find ways to talk to my kids about important topics.

Are You a Willful Wife?

Readers like to send me links to blogs or articles they think I might feel strongly about. This week I received a link to a blog called Biblical Gender Roles. I didn't even have to click the link before I felt "strongly."

But I took a deep breath and decided not to judge the blog by its title. After all, I'm always irritated when people scoff, "People I Want to Punch in the Throat? That sounds so violent!" I didn't want to instantly assume that this blog was written by a homophobic dude with control issues and a God-given desire to dominate the inferior females in his home. That would be wrong of me. I needed to read his writings first before I decided what to think of him.

And then I saw the title of the blog post: 8 Steps to Confront Your Wife's Sexual Refusal.

Fuck that guy. I already hate him.

Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

I read an article called "Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked." After reading the list, I decided I would try it. These are my un-scientific findings:

1. You'll air out your hoo-ha. First of all, my hoo-ha gets plenty of air, thank you very much. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm walking around naked all the time getting fresh air up my vajayjay, but it's also not like I'm wearing super tight granny panties either that are cutting off all the clean, crisp breezes to my nether regions. I'm not convinced my hoo-ha needs any more air.

People Who Text and Drive

I have had it with drivers who text.

This week I am noticing an epidemic of people who are texting while driving.  One of these days I will be hit by a texting driver and I won't be happy about it.  I'm not talking about those people who text and drive 80 mph down the highway.  We've all seen those commercials that are meant to scare the shit out of us with their half finished text messages and a family member saying, "This was the text Julie was sending me when she ran up the back end of a tractor trailer.  I miss Julie."  I feel like those are the 80 mph texters.  I hope to God I'm never hit by one of those.  Luckily I haven't seen any of those kinds of texters.  I'm just talking about the idiots who are driving down side streets and sort of drift into my lane or slow down to 20 mph to add a fucking emoticon, because they can't text and drive at the same time.  Ironically, they're probably texting something like, "I'm running late.  Will be there as soon as I can. :)"  Maybe if you stopped texting and just drove, you wouldn't be so late!  They can barely chew gum and jump rope at the same time so what makes them think they can operate heavy machinery and type on a tiny keyboard at the same time?

Suburban Moms' Endless Conversation Loop

I should know better by now.  If I leave my house I'm going to encounter people who bug me.  In the last few weeks I've left the house a lot.  I've been spending a lot of time at the pool and the movies and shopping.  I encountered so many groups of moms clustered in Target aisles, observing swimming lessons and/or waiting for a movie to start.  I could overhear their conversations and I realized they talk about the same shit.  All.  The.  Time.  It didn't matter where I was, it was just variations of the same conversation on a loop.  Here's a mash up with all the topics covered:

The C-String

Underwear or cuff bracelet? You decide.

Today when I was getting dressed, I was complaining about how hot I was. It's 90 degrees today and I just can't cool off. It doesn't matter what I wear, I just can't stay cool.

I was walking through a parking lot with the hot sun beating down on me and all I could think was, Man, I'm sooooo hot. I wish there was something I could do to make me cooler. I was wearing a skirt and I gave it a little flip so I could get a breeze up in there and then I realized what was making me so hot.

It was my stupid underwear!

Hairy Swim Suits Are Here And They're Gross

Swim suit season is upon us and so as women we're being inundated with "helpful" articles about how to look our best while wearing the least amount of clothes. We're introduced to miracle suits that lift and suck all the right places. The skirted suit for those days when you're not feeling your lady garden has had enough weeding. The tankini for that woman who says, "Society frowns on women my age wearing a bikini, but damn it, I still look good enough for a two piece. Plus two pieces are easier when you have to pee." The bikini for ladies who say, "I worked hard on these abs they deserve to be seen" and for the ladies who say, "Fuck you, I can wear what ever I want to the pool."

A few years ago I became the lady who bought the skirted suit and the giant hat and enormous sunglasses. Not so much for the lady garden reasons, but more for the jiggly upper thigh reasons. I lounge in the shade with my book and only get wet when the heat becomes unbearable.

In case I already didn't feel enough like Sasquatch when I'm wearing a swim suit, along comes the creator of this summer's must-have suit: the hairy chest swim suit.

Yeah, you read that right. A few years ago it was the facekini that was terrifying everyone at the beach, but now we can make children cry when we show up in a flesh colored hairy one-piece. Only it's worse than that. This thing is sporting realistic nipples, chest hair, and back AND butt hair. Ewwwww. Plus let's not overlook the hair that runs down into your nether regions and it gives the illusion that there isn't a razor on the planet that could tame that briar patch. The only positive thing I can say about this suit is I could let my legs and armpits run wild and they'd blend right in.

Who thought this would be a good idea? What men (because it had to be men, women would never do this to one another) sat around a table and said, "Hey Dave, you know what would be hilarious, hot, and disgusting all at once, bro?"

"What, Trevor?"

"A hairy swim suit for hot chicks. Like, they'd still be hot, but they'd also be gross."

"That sounds hilarious, Trevor. So, like, her boobs would be big but they'd be hairy looking?"

"Yeah, man."

"Sweet. Let's do it."

"High five."

I can only imagine that they were both high and drunk when they thought of this thing. It's the only scenario that makes sense. Why else would anyone create such an abomination? Swim suits are awful enough and my greatest fear is to be laughed at when I'm wearing one, why would I wear one INTENDED to make people point and laugh at me???

I just hope that right now two women are sitting in a nail salon getting high off the fumes and one says, "Hey, Tiff, let's make a man's swim suit that's tight and flesh-colored and has a picture of a shaved vagina on the crotch."

"Vulva, Stef."


"It's a vulva, not a vagina. You would want a shaved vulva on the front of the flesh-colored men's swim suit we're thinking of designing."

"Okay, whatever. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be gross and hilarious if men walked around the pool with vag--vulvas on the front of their pants? Kind of hot, even, right?"

"No, it would be gross."

"You think vulvas are gross, Tiffany? Wow. I thought you were a feminist!"

"No, vulvas are ah-may-zing. It would be gross because the men wouldn't be able to keep their hands off themselves."

"Ugh. So true."

If you want the hairy chest swim suit, it's only $45. I say "only" because if you're buying those miracle suits that suck and nip and tuck and squeeze everything into place, you're dropping a hundred bucks usually, so $45 sounds like a steal.

Wait a minute. I'm actually rethinking this whole thing now. Maybe I will get one! For $45 no one would even notice my cellulite they'd be too busy staring at my hairy ass crack!

Get my new book BUT DID YOU DIE? It's available now!