People I Want to Punch in the Throat

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World's Worst Teacher

Photo: Jason Miles
It's the end of the school year and teachers across the country are handing out awards to their students. I actually always hated awards day, because I was a nervous wreck. I was afraid I wouldn't get one. I really wanted "Most Likely to Succeed" but I knew that only the cool kids would get those types of awards. But on the flip side I was also afraid I'd get one of the crap awards like "Most Improved" which we all knew was code for "You're Doing Better, But You're Still a Loser." Either way it was an awful day. Once or twice I had a teacher who tried to give everyone an award and that's how I ended up with certificates for "Kindest Eyes" and "Bookworm." And then there was the joker teacher. The one who tried to make the awards funny. And many times the teachers who thought they were being funny with their awards were just dicks.

NSFW! I Need an Education


If you're at work, stop right now. This is NSFW. Come back tonight when you're at home and no one is spying on you.

Earlier this week, my friend Suzanne from Toulouse and Tonic made some wine bottle memes. She asked me and some friends if we thought they were funny. Several of them were funny, but there was one in particular that I didn't get. I just figured it must be some kind of inside secret between Suzanne and her readers. But then. ALL of the other women she'd asked for opinions from started commenting: "OMG, the FUPA one is hilarious." "Love the FUPA one."

FUPA, FUPA, FUPA.

Goody Bags that are Nicer than the Gift My Kid Gave


We all know that birthday parties have become outrageous and ultra-competitive - that's yesterday's news.  The new frontier is the dreaded goody bag.

The goody bag has always been the bastard of the birthday party.  It's a throw away.  An afterthought.  Because it's the bastard it's always been full of cheap junk or teeth rotting candy.  It's a small token that says, I just paid about twelve to fifteen bucks for your kid to come celebrate my kid's birthday and we appreciate your $12-25 gift so here is your bag of shit.  Thanks for coming and see you next month at your kids' party!

People Who Text and Drive


I have had it with drivers who text.

This week I am noticing an epidemic of people who are texting while driving.  One of these days I will be hit by a texting driver and I won't be happy about it.  I'm not talking about those people who text and drive 80 mph down the highway.  We've all seen those commercials that are meant to scare the shit out of us with their half finished text messages and a family member saying, "This was the text Julie was sending me when she ran up the back end of a tractor trailer.  I miss Julie."  I feel like those are the 80 mph texters.  I hope to God I'm never hit by one of those.  Luckily I haven't seen any of those kinds of texters.  I'm just talking about the idiots who are driving down side streets and sort of drift into my lane or slow down to 20 mph to add a fucking emoticon, because they can't text and drive at the same time.  Ironically, they're probably texting something like, "I'm running late.  Will be there as soon as I can. :)"  Maybe if you stopped texting and just drove, you wouldn't be so late!  They can barely chew gum and jump rope at the same time so what makes them think they can operate heavy machinery and type on a tiny keyboard at the same time?

Gomer's Happy Mother's Day Post


Back in 2011, Gomer decided he'd like to guest post today.  Here is an (unedited) "vertical poem" he wrote for me for Mother's Day:


Nothing is NOT Acceptable


Last week I was trying to think of a Mother's Day present for my mom. I'm 42 years old now and a macaroni necklace just doesn't have the same impact it used to 36 years ago. I felt like every gift I was thinking of was a crappy gift, so I asked my readers on Facebook to tell me the worst Mother's Day gift they ever received just to make sure those weren't the ones I was considering. I got the usual responses of Dustbusters, brooms, step stools, tools, and irons. However, as I scrolled through the hundreds of answers, I noticed the same gift popping up over and over again.

People Who Work With Children, But Don't Like Them


What is the deal with people who work in professions designed to cater to children and then they can't stand children and/or they have no patience with children?!

We take our kids to a pediatric dentist.  He costs us far more than a "normal" dentist because he is a specialist, but I wanted to take my kids to a dentist who supposedly wouldn't scare the shit out of them and who I assume is trained to work with the under 12 crowd.

This guy has an office that looks like a carnival.  He has kids movies on the big screen, aquariums full of beautiful, bright fish, video games, stuffed animals, goody bags, balloons and, of course, ice cream (he's gotta make sure we still keep getting cavities - he knows where his bread is buttered).  His staff dresses in matching outfits that are different colors every day and they all have perky, glow in the dark smiles.  That's where the fun ends.