The C-String

Underwear or cuff bracelet? You decide.

Today when I was getting dressed, I was complaining about how hot I was. It's 90 degrees today and I just can't cool off. It doesn't matter what I wear, I just can't stay cool.

I was walking through a parking lot with the hot sun beating down on me and all I could think was, Man, I'm sooooo hot. I wish there was something I could do to make me cooler. I was wearing a skirt and I gave it a little flip so I could get a breeze up in there and then I realized what was making me so hot.

It was my stupid underwear!

Covid-19 is Serious, But I Won't Stop Being Funny


Hey! How's it going? Everybody hanging in there? It's weird being home all the time, right? As a full-time writer, pants-loather, and curmudgeon, I was positive the stay-a-home order wouldn't be a problem for me. But after a week or so, I'm itching to get out again. Apparently, I like people. Who knew? But no matter how much I want to put on a bra and pants and leave my house, I know I can't. So, I'm staying home and helping to flatten the curve.

I'm not taking the COVID-19 lightly. In fact, I've been following the progression across the world on Twitter since December. I bought toilet paper and hand sanitizer back in January when the shelves were full.

I'm sincerely concerned about the outbreak and what it means for all of us, but I won't stop making jokes. I've been a professional humor writer for several years now. I got my start as a blogger and eventually became a New York Times bestselling author. I have over one million fans on social media and I still spend a lot of time (way too much time) on the internet interacting with them all day, every day. They know they can come to me and I will give them a daily dose of sass, snark, satire, (and swearwords).

When the virus finally arrived in the United States, I had to decide how I was going to handle my social media presence and my brand going forward. I never want to stick my foot in it with a poorly-timed joke. When there was a tragedy in the past, I usually offered condolences, went dark for the day, and within a day or so, I could be back to the funny business.
That all changed when COVID-19 hit. I couldn't just offer condolences and check out for a day or two. This virus isn't going anywhere anytime soon. It's all we talk about, think about, and prepare for. My job is to make people laugh and I treat that job incredibly seriously, especially in the midst of a pandemic.

Laughing releases endorphins and endorphins promote an over-all sense of well-being. Studies have found endorphins may reduce anxiety and depression as well as give your immune system a boost. I can tell you, anecdotally, laughing makes you feel better. I have hundreds of emails from people to prove it. Laughter helps them cope when they're going through tough times in their lives. They turn to my writing to feel better. Whether they are enduring chemotherapy treatments, or dealing with depression or loss, or just had a rough week, they all need a smile. That's why I refuse to stop.

I'm someone who uses humor to diffuse tough situations or make heavy moments feel lighter. Humor is subjective, though, and as a humorist I need to be careful. A lot of thought goes into the balance I try to strike every day. A little dark COVID-19 humor here, a lot of common quarantine gripes there, and a crap-ton of Tiger King memes spread generously throughout, because that show is a freaking gift!

We all need to laugh, now more than ever. I might not be your cup of tea (and that's okay), but I encourage you to venture out (virtually) and find people who are your cup of tea. Funny folks have nothing but time on their hands and a captive audience, so they're creating so much content for you and there is something for everyone out there. I hope you find someone who makes you laugh because in these uncertain times nothing feels better than a belly laugh.


This essay originally appeared on IN Kansas City.

8 Ways to Say "F*ck You"


8 Ways to Say "Fuck You"

I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.

I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!

Nothing is NOT Acceptable


Last week I was trying to think of a Mother's Day present for my mom. I'm 42 years old now and a macaroni necklace just doesn't have the same impact it used to 36 years ago. I felt like every gift I was thinking of was a crappy gift, so I asked my readers on Facebook to tell me the worst Mother's Day gift they ever received just to make sure those weren't the ones I was considering. I got the usual responses of Dustbusters, brooms, step stools, tools, and irons. However, as I scrolled through the hundreds of answers, I noticed the same gift popping up over and over again.

These Days I'm Seeing More Nudity on Zoom than HBO


This whole working from home thing is new for a lot of you and it can be hard for you to understand the pros and cons of your new work environment.

I get it. It can be a bit of an adjustment. But I'm here to help.

As someone who has worked from home for many, many years now at this point, I am here to help you newbies navigate this brave new world.

One of the best (and worst) things about working remotely is that we can all do video calls now. But video calls are a disaster for the rubes.

Ladies, Please Stop Nagging Your Husbands (and Other Terrible Advice for a Pandemic)



Today I woke up in my third week of staying at home and I perused the news like I do every morning. As you can imagine, there wasn't much out there but gloom and doom. I used to read the news every morning so I could be inspired to write something. I haven't felt very inspired lately. But today, that all changed.

Today I stumbled upon an article that stopped me in my tracks. It was like the old times! I could feel my heartbeat escalate and my breath quicken. I could feel the old familiar sense of hot rage bubbling up from deep down inside where I'd buried it under several layers of apathy, numbness, and what-the-fuckery. I suddenly felt alive again and ready to write. I had a mission! I had something to say again!

By now, you're probably wondering what was this magical article that awakened me.

Ladies, Stop Steaming Your Vaginas

Last week, I had to hop a plane to DC for a couple of days. I had a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. And then I realized it was only because I was traveling alone! For once, I only had to worry about myself instead of keeping track of my kids and all their crap. Or so I thought...

It wasn't until I got to my hotel and fired up my computer and saw the breaking international news that Gwyneth Paltrow is steaming her vagina (I assume with a side of broccoli - that girl is a vegan multi-tasker) that I realized what I had forgotten. The little blinking light in the corner of the screen told me that my battery was low and the end was near. My computer would shut down in 1 minute unless I plugged it in. I reached into my empty bag and discovered that I'd left my cord at home.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

How could the universe conspire against me like this? GWYNETH is STEAMING her VAGINA and I haven't got a computer that works!!

The C-String

Underwear or cuff bracelet? You decide. Today when I was getting dressed, I was complaining about how hot I was. It's 90 degrees to...

Popular Posts