My Kids Watch Too Much TV

My kids and I are away at family sleep away camp this summer. We go every year together and every year we all seem to forgot how “rustic” this place is. It's so rustic that we have air conditioning and private bathrooms and WiFi – but only in one building and it's not the one we're staying in, so for me that's roughing it. The Hubs hates bugs and bunk beds more than I do, so he makes the supreme sacrifice and stays home to work, because someone's gotta pay for this adventure.

We arrived yesterday afternoon and here's a conversation I had with my kids:

Upon arriving and checking out our home away from home for the next week:

Adolpha: This is great! I get the top bunk! Woohoo. WAIT. Where's the TV? There's no TV? I don't think I knew that before I came.

Two hours after we've arrived, we realize I've forgotten to pack everyone a sweat shirt and it's cold, so we trek back into town to hit the local yokel Wal-Mart to peruse their wares:

Gomer: I'm really proud of myself. I didn't think I could last this long entertaining myself, but I've done really well. When I first realized there wasn't a TV, I thought I'd never make it, but look at me now! I'm totally entertaining myself!

Me: Gomer, you've entertained yourself by unloading the car, making your bed, unpacking your stuff, and playing with a soccer ball for thirty minutes before I took you to Wal-Mart to shop. Let's see you get through tomorrow without telling me you're bored and then we'll call it a success.

The Mean Moms at the School Concert

Today I heard the worst story I think I've ever heard.

Apparently somewhere in America today a principal is having an emergency meeting with a group of mothers. The mothers are there not to talk about their children's behavior. Instead they are there to talk about their own behavior.

So there was a music concert the other night and this group of bitches sat behind a teacher from the school and during the concert they proceeded to put chewed up gum in the woman's hair. Let me say this slower for you, because the first time I heard this story, I didn't quite understand and I thought it was the kids who did this. NO. Not the kids.

A group of bitchy MOMS went to a SCHOOL concert and sat behind a TEACHER who was volunteering her time to be there that night for THEIR kids and they put GUM in the woman's HAIR and now THEY have to meet with the PRINCIPAL.

What. The. Fuck??  Grown women at a school event bullying a teacher??? My head just fucking exploded. I feel like I need to rename my blog What the Fuck is Wrong with People????? This is not like the kids who bullied the lady on the bus. It was horrifying enough when it was kids doing the bullying, but it wasn't as shocking, because they're kids. Kids make all kinds of bad decisions. This is worse, because these are adult women accosting another woman. Are you kidding me? You would think that adults would behave better than a group of little kids. But I guess not.

It's like Mean Girls: The Suburban Mom Years. It just goes to show that Mean Girls can grow up, but some of them never grow up. I can't even fathom why these women would do that or how humiliating it must have been for that teacher to figure out that mothers did that to her. The teacher is a kinder soul than I, because I would gone fucking ballistic. I would have skipped the Principal and gone straight for my lawyer. Surely we could have found something to sue these bitches for!

I have no idea what will happen to this group of harpies, but if I were in charge, I'd demand a public shaming. I think they should be forced to stand outside of their favorite store where all of their other Mean Mom friends can see them. They would have a bowl of bubble gum and they would wear a sandwich board that says: I'm a menace to society. I haven't matured past my mean girl high school days. I think it's funny to put gum in my child's teacher's hair. Please put some gum in my hair.

Then hopefully they'd get so much gum in their hair they'd have to shave their heads bald.

Now that I think about it, the Mean Girl store isn't good enough. It should be a Teacher Supply Store! Even better!

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Update: So a few of you have questioned the validity of this story, because there hasn't been a news story about it. I don't know if there ever will be one. I'm not sure that it was reported to the media. It's still a fairly private story and that's the reason why I kept the details vague. I can assure you that every terrible detail of this story is true. 

A Proud Member of the Worst End of the School Year Mom Ever Club

Yesterday no fewer than five people sent me a link to a blog post and said, "Jen you MUST read this!"

Yesterday was the last day of school for Gomer and Adolpha. You know how sometimes you get to Friday and you say, "God, this week took forever!"?? Yeah, not this week. Every night this week I was like, "Wait tomorrow is _____??? Shit. I can't forget to sign Gomer's reading log so he can get it turned in and claim his reward, he wants a special pen for yearbook signing, I'm supposed to help out at both of their end of the year parties, I'm chaperoning a field trip (WTF? Why did they schedule the last Kindergarten field trip the day before their last day?? Even the teachers who scheduled it were regretting it that day. There were many dedicated teachers up in the wee hours of that next morning putting the finishing touches on end of the year [tear jerker!] slide shows.), I'm in charge of the class gift for Adolpha's teacher, and I need to vote on that last minute PTO thing before Thursday. Plus, I'm probably forgetting six other things."

I would open the blog post and I would get the first paragraph read and I'd be pulled away for another million reasons.

It's now 3:30 in the morning and I finally got the chance to sit down and read Jen Hatmaker's Worst End of the School Year Mom Ever fully and everyone who sent it to me was right. I couldn't stop what I was doing to read this post, because I was far too busy living what this post is all about! I had the Hubs rolling his eyes at me telling me to "blow" stuff off too, but as a mom I just can't. I can phone in a lot of stuff like letting everyone buy lunch all week long instead of me making lunch, scrounging around for and finding a simple red pen that I can then convince Gomer is a "really cool and amazing pen that will look terrific when you sign yearbooks with it!" and digging through Adolpha's closet to find her (probably dirty) field trip shirt, because she will be embarrassed if she's the only one not wearing one. I can dial it back and I have no qualms giving gift cards as teacher's end of the year gifts instead of something really personal and unique that took me months to think of or having a PTO vote over email instead of convening a real live meeting.

I'll be happy to take a C+ on my end of the year skills. It's better than failing.

I was not the mother posting Last Day of School pictures on Facebook along with side by sides of the First Day of School pictures. (When did this become a thing? WTF! I can't keep up!) I was feeling overwhelmed and half assed, because my kids looked like ass on the last day of school. I gave up trying to dress them months ago. On the last day of school I'm pretty sure Adolpha wore a striped shirt with a polka dot headband and argyle knee socks and Gomer has taken to dressing like he's ready to be subbed into a professional soccer game at any moment. Who wants a picture of this??

I was feeling overwhelmed and half-assed, but then I took a looked at my kids. They didn't think I was half-assing it. Gomer was thrilled with his super cool red pen and Adolpha loves to flex her style muscles without any interference. They enjoy having me at their class parties and chaperoning their field trips. I'm lucky, I have the job(s) that I have so that I can have the flexibility to do that kind of stuff. There aren't too many more years left that they're going to want me around.

Jen and I might feel like the Worst End of the School Year Moms Ever, but at least our kids didn't notice and everyone passed to the next grade, so we must not be screwing things up too badly!

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First World Problems are Hard

My friend, Annie, is really funny and she's always updating her Facebook with silly stuff. The other day she challenged everyone to list their first world problems. I, of course, can't think of any original ideas, so I swiped this one from her.

Here is Annie's: "It has come to my attention that the Kroger brand granola bars I purchase have far fewer choc chips per inch than the Quaker brand ... and this atrocity is completely unacceptable."

And here is mine: "Last night I wanted to soak in a bubble bath and I was out of bubble bath and had to use shampoo instead. The shampoo bubbles were not as soothing and it really disrupted my relaxation."

OK, it's time to whine. Let's hear your first world problems!