People I Want to Punch in the Throat


My Rules for MOMS at Playdates

A few months ago I came up my list of rules for playdates for KIDS.  Many of you asked me for rules for playdates for MOMS.  These are the rules I came up with.

Keep in mind, these are rules for the moms on the periphery of my children's social scene. There are many moms who I am close to and whose children play with mine very often (I'm looking at you Sandy, Sherry, Mary, Jamie, Misty, etc.).  We don't need rules, because we're all normal with one another.  I do not want these mothers to think these rules are for them, because they are not.  

I'm Baaaaaack!

If you've been following along on Facebook and Instagram, then you'll know that I've just returned from a two-week trip on the road with the family.

I'm not sure how I got suckered into such a thing, but it had a lot to do with the Hubs and his rotten childhood. You see, The Hubs was raised in a home where road trips were never done. He had this idea that driving across the country is a romantic and fun adventure best shared with the people closest to you. He envisioned the four of us playing "I Spy" for hours and singing Kumbaya as we wound our way through beautiful countryside. At least I think that's what he imagined when he proposed the idea of a road trip.

I was horrified. I'll be the first to admit: I'm a spoiled rotten woman who prefers to travel the quickest way possible to anywhere. I've been on road trips as a child and I still get the shakes when I think about using gas station bathrooms in Bum Fuck, Ohio and orange construction signs make me break out in a cold sweat.

Jen & Friends' Endless Conversation Loop

A couple days ago I showed you the annoying summer conversations I've been overhearing lately.  I didn't want to you think that my conversations are any better.  They're just not as me.  So here's what it would be like if I ran into 2 of my friends at Target, the pool and/or, the movies:

Me:  I'm trying to keep Gomer and Adolpha out of my hair this summer.  I can't get any work done.  They're always bugging me for food and shit.  Gomer!  Put down the Lego set.  You don't need another one!

Sandy:  I know what you mean!  Every time you come to my house Adolpha is asking for food.  Do you ever feed her?  Just kidding.  No I'm not.

Designer Vaginas are a Thing Now

I don't know about you ladies, but as I get older I'm finding that a lot of things are .... changing.

My laugh lines aren't disappearing when I'm done laughing, my middle is getting softer, I'm taking more and more trips to the hairdresser to keep the gray hairs under control, and my libido isn't what it used to be.

None of these bother me (and the Hubs) as much as my waning sex drive. I've been looking everywhere for a solution and I've yet to find one. Until today.

Gender Reveal Parties

I have nothing against party planners.  I know it's their job to always come up with new ideas to sell to people, but when they start throwing Potty Parties and Period Parties you know they're grasping at straws.

The latest trend I've heard about is a Gender Reveal Party.  Wouldn't you love to be invited to one of those?  Well, I would not.  I'll just tell my friends right now:  Save your stamp.  I'm not coming.

Suburban Moms' Endless Conversation Loop

I should know better by now.  If I leave my house I'm going to encounter people who bug me.  In the last few weeks I've left the house a lot.  I've been spending a lot of time at the pool and the movies and shopping.  I encountered so many groups of moms clustered in Target aisles, observing swimming lessons and/or waiting for a movie to start.  I could overhear their conversations and I realized they talk about the same shit.  All.  The.  Time.  It didn't matter where I was, it was just variations of the same conversation on a loop.  Here's a mash up with all the topics covered:

The PIWTPITT Review of "Magic Mike XXL"

DISCLAIMER: I don't think there are any spoilers in here, but I can't be certain. It's no secret what this movie is about. There are no huge plot twists that will shock you if I accidentally reveal them to you. However, if you haven't seen "Magic Mike XXL" and you suspect this might ruin it for you, then DON'T READ.

Last year, my friend Sandy and I went to see the first "Magic Mike" movie. We shared the theater with a bunch of over-dressed, under-sexed cougars. At the end of the movie we decided that there was way too much talkie-talkie and not enough strippy-strippy. So, when I heard that "Magic Mike XXL" was coming and I was promised that there would a lot less chattering and a lot more rump-shaking, I called up Sandy and said, "We've got to go!" I also roped my friend, Teri, into coming with us. She'd been invited for the first go-round, but she couldn't come and she ended up watching "Magic Mike" on her television at home. So not the way that movie is meant to be enjoyed. Unless you can see every ripple on Joe Manganiello's abs up close on a the big screen, it's like he worked out for nothing. We OWE it to Joe to see his abs up close.
The boys are back and they're more talkative than ever!!
This time we were prepared though. The first time we were a little taken aback by all the giggling and hollering. This time we decided we'd join in the fun.