Of Course Gwyneth Has a Candle that Smells Like Her Vagina

Source: Goop
You guys, I was just saying I wanted to get back to blogging. I was like, "I should blog again!" And then immediately, I was like, "Ugh, what would I even talk about?"

And then the clouds parted and the Blogging Gods allowed the planets to align into two of my favorite topics: Gwyneth Paltrow and vaginas. It's a sign!

Here's the thing, I was ready to call a truce with Gwyneth Paltrow the other night. Yeah, we've been locked in a one-sided feud since she started steaming her vagina and consciously uncoupling. It's been a bitter fight...even though she has no idea who I am...nor does she care what I think of her life. Or the rest of the internet, for that matter. Damn, in many ways we really should all aspire to be like Gwyneth! Aside from her terrible "health" advice, of course. Anyhoo, I saw her on the red carpet at the Golden Globes and even though she was dressed like a steamboat madam, I had to give her props because she looked ah-may-zing. I don't know if it was the jade egg jammed up her hooha or the daily two-hour workouts with18k gold dumbells, but something is working! I knew exactly how good she looked because the gunny sack she was wearing was essentially see-through and you could see every one of her abs. Her skin was gorgeous and even in 4K I couldn't spot a wrinkle. I was like, "Okay, Gwynnie, I bow down. You're aging terrifically and all your woo-woo magic beans are working."

BUT THEN she went and released a $75 candle that smells like her vagina and now our feud is back on.

I mean, come on! First, who pays $75 for a candle? I just went to the mega candle sale at Bath & Beauty Works and snagged a dozen for that price. Second, who is buying these? Who wants that?? After I got home from BBW I realized I barely want a candle that smells like cookies, I certainly don't want one that smells like Gwynnie's muffin!

This vag candle sounds like a total bust. I bet Gwyneth loses money on this one! Oh wait, I'm being told the candle is completely sold out and there is a waiting list. God damn it, that fucking gorgeous genius strikes again! I bow down. 

This got me thinking, though. What does Gwyneth's front butt even smell like anyway? I assume it's a heady mix of patchouli, cigarette smoke, ginger, privilege, and autumnal yum

According to Gwyneth it's a "funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent." Oh wait, that's what the candle smells like, not her coochie. I'm so confused because I thought the candle smelled like her vagina?

I'm even more confused after that description. No lady wants to be told her lady garden has an "unexpected scent." That's never a good thing, in my opinion.

And I have no idea what gorgeous or sexy smell like. But if you want to smell funny, I'm currently working on my own candle. I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Plus, my love tunnel smells unexpectedly hilarious!

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Happy New Year!!!



If you've been around me for a few New Yearseses, then you know that I don't do resolutions. My resolutions are things like drink more water and hang up my coat, because those are easy. (Says the woman looking at her coat on the floor while downing caffeine without a glass of water in sight.) This year will be no different.

Instead, I like to pick a word for every year and work on that. I did that last year, but I didn't write down the word, so I forgot what it was. It was probably "Focus." This year I'm writing down my word right here, so I won't forget.

This year my word is "Gratitude."

I'm grateful. Usually. I swear it. But for a grateful person, I bitch a lot. I'm not going to stop bitching. That would be crazy, but I am going to work on showing my gratitude more. I'm always recognizing the big stuff, but I want to work on the little things too. My husband told me that every morning he wakes up, he starts the day grateful we all made it through the night. I wake up pissed off that the birds are loud. I want to be more like him.

So, here I go! Wish me luck!

I'm grateful you're all still here. I'm grateful I've been given this opportunity to follow my dreams. I'm grateful I have a floor for my coat to lay on.

Happy 2020, Everyone!

What's your word??


P.S. - The Giveaways are closed and the winners have been notified, so check your email!! Thanks to all who participated. Keep checking back, because I had so much fun giving stuff away, I plan to do more of that this year! 


12 Days of Giveaways! DAY TWELVE!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Twelve!

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY ELEVEN!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Eleven!

Every day for the next 1 day, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY TEN!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Ten!

Every day for the next 2 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Giveaways - DAY NINE!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Nine!

Every day for the next 3 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY EIGHT!


Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Eight!

Every day for the next 4 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.


DAY EIGHT: TAKE A PICTURE, IT WILL LAST LONGER

Signed copy of Just a Few People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Volumes 1-6).

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. See for yourself with a Polaroid One-Step 2 Instant Film Camera.

When you run out of film, you can fit all those words in this journal.

Temporary tattoos will make you a temporary badass.

It can be hard to stay positive, but this button with help you.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Enter to win TODAY's prize and then go back and enter the ones you missed!

That's right! There's still a chance to enter all the ones you missed!! Giveaway closes on December 31st.

DAY ONE - Cubicle Sweet Cubicle

DAY TWO - Don't Make Me Add You to My List

DAY THREE - Coolest Mom Ever

DAY FOUR - Move the Elf!

DAY FIVE - If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher

DAY SIX - So You Want to Be a Writer?

DAY SEVEN - Smells Like Teen Angst

DAY EIGHT - Take a Picture, It Will Last Longer

DAY NINE - The Future is Female

DAY TEN - Midlife Momma Drama

DAY ELEVEN - Nice Stack!

DAY TWELVE - Take Me With You!


Of Course Gwyneth Has a Candle that Smells Like Her Vagina

Source: Goop You guys, I was just saying I wanted to get back to blogging. I was like, "I should blog again!" And then immedia...