People I Want to Punch in the Throat

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PIWTPITT's Top 10 Reasons People are Compelled to Read Top 10 Lists


I read a lot of websites and I'm very competitive.  I want to know what everyone is reading if they're not reading me.  I started looking at what these bloggers were writing that was bringing in so much traffic. Was it their witty prose?  Was it their heart-warming stories of motherhood?  Was it their parenting insights?  Nope.  Not even close.  It's lists.     

The Top 10 _____, Best 8_______, Got to Have 6______, Most Amazing 29______.  These lists are out there on every site.  I know I have lists too, but my lists are not in slideshow format, thus driving up pageviews with each click.  Sneaky, right?  All these websites that are driven by the almighty pageview have started turning every fucking thing they can into a slideshow list.  I get my ass handed to me daily, because I refuse to bow to the pressure to make a 1,000 picture slideshow of the 1,000 Best Indoor Mall Playgrounds in North America. 


Tips for Getting Your Kids to Talk About the Little Things (So They'll Talk About the Big Things)

It's that time of year again when the kids go back to school and they suddenly seem to clam up. What is that all about? We all want to know what our kids are up to and get them talking, but they come home mute and can't seem to remember what they did all day.

Parenting can be so hard sometimes, can't it? Getting our kids to open up and talk to us is hard work! I'm always looking for sneaky ways I can get my kids to tell me what's REALLY going on in their lives, because we all know that when they share the smaller parts of their days, they feel more comfortable coming to us with the BIG things they're dealing with.

I asked my Facebook friends for their best tips and tricks to get their kids to spill the beans and they came through like champs. Thank you for all of the awesome responses!! I want to share them with you, because it takes a village to raise our kids!

Are You a Suburban Mom?


You might be a suburban mom if ... 

Your full-time job is unpaid volunteer at your children's school.

You've taken a crossfit, barre, hot yoga, pole dancing, kettlebell, or aqua zumba class.

You've ever adopted a vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, or paleo diet -- and it had nothing to do with allergies.

The people who work at the checkout at Target know your cycle.

You think yoga pants can be worn anywhere -- including formal events.

You pay hundreds of dollars a week to attend music, art, and gym classes to "socialize" your newborn baby.

You have a chandelier in your laundry room.

You have a home-based sales business where you sell makeup, cooking utensils, pre-packaged food, sex toys, or handbags out of the trunk of your minivan.

Ryan Lochte and His Mom



UPDATE 8/18/16: I wrote this post 4 years ago when I first discovered the douchiness that is Ryan Lochte and his mom. We're wrapping up another Olympic season and once again Ryan and his mommy are in the news. Ryan and his bros went out drinking one night in Rio and came back to the village to tell his mommy that they'd been robbed at gunpoint. Mommy told the media and then all hell broke loose. Ryan told this elaborate story about being in cab that was pulled over by Brazilian police officers. The officers told him to get on the ground and he refused because he had totally done nothing wrong, y'know? But THEN the police officer put a pistol to his head and Ryan was all, "Whatever" and got on the ground. These dudes robbed Ryan of everything except his phone. Leaving the phone always sounded a little fishy. Phones are prime targets in Rio. Kids swipe them all the time. Why would these bandits leave Ryan's phone? Hmmm ... everyone smelled something fishy, but they couldn't quite put their finger on it. Everyone (including the Brazilian government) started questioning the validity of Ryan's story. That's when Ryan bolted faster than Usain Bolt and got the hell out of Dodge -- er, Rio.

While his bros were being rounded up and pulled off of planes for more questioning, the King of Douches tweeted "My hair is going back to its normal color tomorrow." Well, thank the Lord!! We've all been waiting with bated breath for his fucking hair to stop being gray/green/whatever the fuck you call that color. Because THAT'S what's been on all our minds. Fucking vapid waste of space.

NOW it's being reported that the story is fabricated and that there is video of Ryan and his bros busting down a door on a gas station bathroom at the same time this alleged robbery happened. A security guard demanded that they pay for the damage they did to the bathroom and they refused. That's when he pulled a gun on them and then they paid.

Hmm ... interesting. Very interesting.

The plot thickens. I'll be curious to see what happens over the next few days. This should be good. Popping popcorn now.

Back to the original post:

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've got Olympic fever and I would watch even the most boring Olympics.  But the drama this year just keeps bringing me back!  As one of my Facebook friends said yesterday, "I can't remember a bigger badminton scandal."  Truer words have never been spoken/written.  The humanity!

Aside from the riveting soap opera over on the badminton courts, there is the whole Ryan Lochte vs. Michael Phelps made-for-television rivalry.  My guess is at this point, Michael Phelps just says to Lochte, "That's so cute what you do in the pool.  I've already done it, though, so there's really no competition, you d-bag."

Michael might be the better swimmer, but Ryan is beating him in one area:  looking like a dumbass.

I'm not talking about his fucked up fashion sense where he thought it would be a great indication of his individuality to wear a bizarro $25,000 grill over his teeth when he accepted his gold medal.

I'm talking about an interview his mom gave to "Today" where she told them that Ryan is so dedicated to his sport that he does not have time for a relationship.  Instead, he goes out on "one night stands."  WTF, mom??  That's a good mom right there.  Why not tell the whole world that your son is a slut and can't commit to a woman, but would rather just love 'em and leave 'em?  I hope that Mrs. Lochte is completely out of touch and has no idea what "one night stand" means.  Maybe she thinks that means share a cup of coffee and talk about rainbows and sunsets.  Otherwise, she is an idiot.

If the thought of being simply a notch in Ryan's belt isn't enough to keep you away from this creeper, he gave an interview to Women's Health where he indicated that once you are a notch in his belt, he has no qualms swapping stories with his buddies about how good (or bad) you were.

I think what makes him the biggest ass, though, is that he said he thinks sexy women always "keep a fit body."  OK, I get it.  No one is digging Ryan for his brains either.  Every woman in the world is downloading his pic so we can stare at his pelvis cleavage or whatever you call those protrusions under the belly button but above the shorts.  He's eye candy for us too.  He's obviously pretty to look at, but not very  bright when it comes to his image.  A smart man with millions of adoring female fans around the world should say something like: "A sexy woman is confident and strong with an amazing personality."

Not this guy, he goes straight for the hard body.  It makes me think his mom does know what "one night stand" means.

The other thing that rubbed me the wrong way was Ryan's approach to picking up women.  He makes eye contact and winks at them and then ignores her for a while so he can "keep her thinking" before he's ready to ditch his bros and pick up a ho.  What a fucking dick.  Nothing like a good mind fuck before a decent (I'm not going to say good, because I can't give him that much credit) actual fuck.

Congrats, Ryan.  You get another gold medal.  In douchecanoeing.


If you want to see Ryan in action, you MUST watch this interview with Mike and Sheinelle of Good Day Philly. It gets really funny AFTER Ryan is done. HILARIOUS.

Parents Who Steal & Are Disgusting


Yesterday I received an email from a friend telling me that her 6 year son had his scooter stolen while they were at a local park.  She was really upset because the park had been very busy and she'd taken her eyes off the scooter for just a few minutes and it was gone.

She started thinking about a culprit and she really couldn't come up with a "usual suspect".  There weren't any middle or high schoolers there on their own who might have stolen the scooter to show off or just be dicks.  It was all young kids who were supervised by (seemingly mature, law abiding) adults.  Ha!  Little did she know there was a thief with her at the park.

The Hubs' Memory

Tonight the Hubs told me I reminded him of Dorothy Parker.

"Who is that?" I asked. "Didn't they make a movie about her starring Halle Berry?"

"No.  That was Dorothy Dandridge."

I've never even seen the outside of this place, let alone the inside.
"OK, then I don't know who Dorothy Parker was."

Preschool vs. Kindergarten - What to Take, What to Ditch


Recently I saw a list on Yahoo educating incoming college freshmen as to what to take with them to college and what embarrassing items to leave at home because they are too "high school."

You know me, I love a good, informative list of rules, so it got me thinking.  Adolpha moved to Kindergarten this year from preschool and before school started she let me know exactly what was too babyish for her to take to Kindergarten.

1.  Ditch any backpack or lunch box with Dora the Explorer, Kai Lan, etc.  Adolpha has never been into either of these characters, but she let me know that these two girls were O-U-T in the elementary school lunch room.