People I Want to Punch in the Throat


I Got a C-String and It Looks Good!

Remember when I wrote about c-strings? Well, once I wrote about it, I started getting a hankering to try one on. I went to Amazon and I ordered one. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was backordered! What a popular little piece of fabric and wire! I went ahead and placed the order and proceeded to wait.

This week, I received a special package from China. Finally! I tore open the padded envelope (yes, it was padded as if this piece of scratchy lace attached to a wire hanger might get damaged or something) and found a teeny tiny twat topper. That's really the only way to describe this thing.

I was promised that the device was a "one size fits all," but upon closer inspection (but without an actual test drive) I could tell immediately that this thing was never going to cover my lady area. Lucky for me, I had a back up plan. I had sort of suspected that this would be the case, so I had really planned to wear it as a headband. At four bucks and free shipping, it's now one of the cheapest headbands I own.

Me - At Zen Massage

So I've been having a lot of stress-related (and, let's face it, age-related) pains lately and I figured I needed a massage.  I bought a massage gift certificate at an auction a few months ago and I decided on the spur of the moment to book a last minute massage last night.

I was going to try for sometime later in the week, but after I looked at my calendar for the upcoming week I felt the knots in my shoulders tighten.  I asked if they had an appointment for that night and the receptionist said I could get the last one of the night.  Perfect.

Or so I thought.

Hairy Swim Suits Are Here And They're Gross

Swim suit season is upon us and so as women we're being inundated with "helpful" articles about how to look our best while wearing the least amount of clothes. We're introduced to miracle suits that lift and suck all the right places. The skirted suit for those days when you're not feeling your lady garden has had enough weeding. The tankini for that woman who says, "Society frowns on women my age wearing a bikini, but damn it, I still look good enough for a two piece. Plus two pieces are easier when you have to pee." The bikini for ladies who say, "I worked hard on these abs they deserve to be seen" and for the ladies who say, "Fuck you, I can wear what ever I want to the pool."

A few years ago I became the lady who bought the skirted suit and the giant hat and enormous sunglasses. Not so much for the lady garden reasons, but more for the jiggly upper thigh reasons. I lounge in the shade with my book and only get wet when the heat becomes unbearable.

In case I already didn't feel enough like Sasquatch when I'm wearing a swim suit, along comes the creator of this summer's must-have suit: the hairy chest swim suit.

Yeah, you read that right. A few years ago it was the facekini that was terrifying everyone at the beach, but now we can make children cry when we show up in a flesh colored hairy one-piece. Only it's worse than that. This thing is sporting realistic nipples, chest hair, and back AND butt hair. Ewwwww. Plus let's not overlook the hair that runs down into your nether regions and it gives the illusion that there isn't a razor on the planet that could tame that briar patch. The only positive thing I can say about this suit is I could let my legs and armpits run wild and they'd blend right in.

Who thought this would be a good idea? What men (because it had to be men, women would never do this to one another) sat around a table and said, "Hey Dave, you know what would be hilarious, hot, and disgusting all at once, bro?"

"What, Trevor?"

"A hairy swim suit for hot chicks. Like, they'd still be hot, but they'd also be gross."

"That sounds hilarious, Trevor. So, like, her boobs would be big but they'd be hairy looking?"

"Yeah, man."

"Sweet. Let's do it."

"High five."

I can only imagine that they were both high and drunk when they thought of this thing. It's the only scenario that makes sense. Why else would anyone create such an abomination? Swim suits are awful enough and my greatest fear is to be laughed at when I'm wearing one, why would I wear one INTENDED to make people point and laugh at me???

I just hope that right now two women are sitting in a nail salon getting high off the fumes and one says, "Hey, Tiff, let's make a man's swim suit that's tight and flesh-colored and has a picture of a shaved vagina on the crotch."

"Vulva, Stef."


"It's a vulva, not a vagina. You would want a shaved vulva on the front of the flesh-colored men's swim suit we're thinking of designing."

"Okay, whatever. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be gross and hilarious if men walked around the pool with vag--vulvas on the front of their pants? Kind of hot, even, right?"

"No, it would be gross."

"You think vulvas are gross, Tiffany? Wow. I thought you were a feminist!"

"No, vulvas are ah-may-zing. It would be gross because the men wouldn't be able to keep their hands off themselves."

"Ugh. So true."

If you want the hairy chest swim suit, it's only $45. I say "only" because if you're buying those miracle suits that suck and nip and tuck and squeeze everything into place, you're dropping a hundred bucks usually, so $45 sounds like a steal.

Wait a minute. I'm actually rethinking this whole thing now. Maybe I will get one! For $45 no one would even notice my cellulite they'd be too busy staring at my hairy ass crack!

Get my new book BUT DID YOU DIE? It's available now! 

Adolpha's Jacked Up Summer Wish List

Today I found Adolpha's Summer To-Do List on my bedside table. We're in Kansas, so school has been out for about three weeks now and she's feeling like we need to get cracking if we're going to get this stuff done! The list never gets done completely, though, because there are always a few random things on there that either can't happen or won't happen (like "buy a dog" or "visit Paris" both of which have been on past lists and have never happened).

Gomer has a playdate today and so I thought I'd take a look at the list and see if there was anything I could do with her so she wouldn't feel left out. There were some easy ones like: "Eat hot dogs" or "Go to Dicks" or "Wear nothing" (What can I say? No one in our family is a fan of pants).

That's when I noticed:

"Burn mattress."

BURN MATTRESS? Whut? I mean, I love to burn shit down, but a mattress is expensive, Adolpha. Let's burn pictures of old boyfriends who dumped me or let's burn Dad's really gross t-shirts that he won't part with or let's burn effigies of our enemies, but not the mattress, kid. I like her enthusiasm to tear shit up, but I'd prefer it if she'd keep the costs a tad bit lower. Once she's purchased her first mattress she'll understand why I hid the matches today.

I'm still not sure what we'll do today, but I'm leaning toward "Take naps."

What's on your Summer To-Do List? Hopefully read MY LAME LIFE or BUT DID YOU DIE?is on there! 

PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

If you've been reading me for any length of time you will know that I love to make a good list of rules. Rules for daughters. Rules for sons. Rules for my kids when they're at playdates. Rules for moms who host playdates. Rules, rules, rules. I enjoy a good list of rules, even if I hate to follow rules (don't we all?).

Now I have a new list.

Rules for Grandparents.

Disclaimer: Now, now, I know my parents read this blog and before they get their knickers in a wad, I will say: You are good grandparents and even better free babysitters, so just relax over there these are not all about you. Just have a laugh - and maybe stop watching so much "CSI" in front of my kids. Adolpha knows what "blood spatter" means. 

Actually, that's a good place to start:

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post. It was about reading her five-year-old daughter's diary. Kim knew her daughter had been writing in her diary and Kim wondered what was going on in her daughter's head. She took the key and opened the book. She was apprehensive. She was worried she might find out that her daughter was sad or angry or hiding something. Instead, she found that her daughter was happy and loved her life. Kim wrote a sweet and endearing post about this experience and her relief to find her daughter happy and healthy.

Over Achieving Moms and Their Kids' Birthday Parties

It seems like we will never run out of areas for over achieving moms to dominate.  Birthday parties have been a recurring theme that keeps popping up from my readers.  Every week I get emails begging me to take on the over achieving birthday party moms.  All of these emails contain links that send me to over the top birthday parties - each one more outrageous than the next.  Since I've recently been called a "troll" for sending coveted page views to public blogs such as these, I will refrain from posting links to the parties (their loss).  I can say, these are all real parties and I bet with a little sleuthing you will be able to find them.

One was a whimsical Cat in the Hat first birthday where the baby has no clue who Dr. Seuss is or why it's hysterical and adorable all at the same time that he's eating green eggs and ham in a house covered (literally COVERED) in red and turquoise bunting and crepe and balloons and other Dr. Seuss-themed shit.  I think there were at least 5 different kinds of cupcakes to choose from besides the striped hat cake.  No matter how much the parents paid for a professional photographer to take pictures of this birthday, beautiful pictures can never cover the fact that the cake was melting because of the heat and they dressed the poor kid in some kind of linen one piece jumper thing with his initials embroidered on the front that will haunt him into adulthood.