People I Want to Punch in the Throat


Hypochondriac Hubs

Today the Hubs is sick.  It started yesterday when he woke up and complained of full body aches.  I honestly didn't believe him.  We had an early day yesterday and I really thought he was trying to get out of helping with the morning routine.  He's just such a baby when he's sick it's hard to know when you can believe him.

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about Adolpha spending so much time in the nurse's office?  Well, she comes by her hypochondria honestly.  The Hubs can turn a splinter in his finger into a case of gangrene.  Instead of the boy who cried wolf, he is the man who cried sick.

Rules for Parents of Daughters

I realized when I wrote my sons' piece earlier this week I titled it Rules for Mothers of Sons.  I was so wrong to just single out mothers.  These rules are for all parents.  Sorry, dads, you don't get a pass.  Kids need as much guidance as they can get!

Tonight I went out with the girls and I told them I was going to write this post so they helped me come up with some good ones!  Thanks, girls!

So here we go:  PIWTPITT 25 Rules for Parents of Daughters (because as I was making this list it seemed to me that I can screw up my daughter easier than my son so I needed more rules):

1.  Teach your daughter to never allow herself to be anyone's property and that you will cut her out of your will if she ever wears shorts that claim otherwise.

Mike's bitch would get a kick in the ass

The 2018 Humblebrag Christmas Letter

We're so blessed to have such high-spirited children who play so well together.

Dear Family, Friends, Strangers, and Internet Stalkers,

It's that time of year again! Can you believe another year has flown by? We certainly can't! Where does the time go?

Gomer turned 14 this year. Can you believe it? Where has our baby gone? He's a typical teenager: thoughtful, generous, and loving...whenever he wants something. He's so handsome when he showers and he barely stinks anymore now that he's figured out how to use deodorant regularly.

He's gotten into gaming this year. His Call of Duty score is INsane. We're very proud of him. Jen heard about a university that is going to start offering scholarships for Esports. Fingers crossed Gomer's kill rate is high enough to qualify in case he blows the SAT.

When he's not gaming, he's playing baseball and basketball, and perfecting his Russian Gangster Pose for Instagram.

Instead of making resolutions we'll never keep, we decided to each ruminate and thoughtfully determine a word to define our goals for 2019. Gomer's word for 2019 is: Ragequit.

Adolpha is 12. Almost a teenager! Sob! She wants to be a YouTuber, but she can't decide if her channel should focus on her love of cozy onesies, squishy stuffed animals, or high-end makeup. Her smokey eye is on point and it looks incroyable with her unicorn onesies.

She's lovely, but will be absolutely stunning once we get her braces off. We could have taken two cruises for what we've spent on her mouth, but she's worth every penny. It's almost like an investment in her YouTube career. We're talking to the accountant about making orthodontia a business expense. 

She learned about male fragility this year when she joined a basketball team, and then wasn't asked back because she didn't smile at the coach enough. His feelings were terribly hurt and we're sending him thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery. (Jen would like to assure you that you needn't worry about the coach. He's still in one piece and there's no need for a welfare check.)

When she's not snuggling her stuffed animals or perfecting her winged eyeliner, Adolpha can be found on Snapchat looking like a cute dog or a Russian Gangster's Girlfriend.

Adolpha's word for 2019 is: Haul.

The Hubs has become a tech mogul this year. Well, he's on the path to becoming a tech mogul. He's been working tirelessly on his startup and devouring business books. Jen had no idea he knew how to read! For the first 15 years of their marriage, Jen was convinced he could only read headlines and captions under photos. He's read more books this year than Jen has! His company is on an upward trajectory and he's assured Jen that in the next 10 years he'll turn a profit and Fyllan will be a verb or he'll find a "real" job. When he's not reading, he's still selling houses and growth-hacking his LinkedIn.

The Hubs's word for 2019 is: Decacorn.

Jen has put on so many bras and pairs of pants and left the house this year. She knew she was a bonafide frequent flier when Southwest sent her 3 free drink coupons and Holiday Inn gave her free wi-fi and breakfast every time she stayed there. Talk about preferential treatment! That's how the elites of the world travel.

Besides pants, she's even donned some dresses. Yeah, that's right, Jen's fallen in with a philanthropic crowd that likes to frequent galas and balls. Jen is a very entertaining plus-one, or so she's been told.

She's written a lot and even started emailing her Super Friends this year. She says it's just like having thousands of Pen Pals she can email every day and describe her lunch to. She couldn't be happier. When she's not writing, publishing, speaking, signing books, or winging her way to the far reaches of suburban America, Jen can be found napping.

Jen's word for 2019 is: A-B-C.

We wish you nothing but a peaceful, joyful, and wonder-filled holiday season and a prosperous new year!

The Mann Family