Let's just start with the name.  WTF??  Who ever thought that was a good name for this group?  What a stupid name.  What does it even mean?

You know how women are accused of having penis envy?  I think this might be birthing envy.  It must just piss those men off that they can send a man to the moon, they can tame wild animals, they can wage war on three continents at once, they can stand to pee, they can cause world economies to rise and fall, but they can't squeeze an 8 pound bowling ball out of their hooha so they called themselves Birthers.

I take offense to that name. If anyone's a "Birther" it's all of us women who have the stretch marks, the episiotomy scars, the c-section scars, the memories of hours of painful labor (medicated and non-medicated), and finally the sensation of bringing life into the world.  The hell YOU'RE a birther, Donald - you pompous, douchebag.

If it were up to me, I'd just name them: Racists.

Because that's what they are.

Plain and simple.

A bunch of sheet-wearing, cross-burning, lynch-mob-lovin' racists.

Barack Obama is the President of the United States.  He won the election fair and square (he didn't even have to have his brother down in Florida help him steal it) so show some fucking respect and stop being such bigots.

He is an American citizen.  He was born in Hawaii.  I realize we're dealing with seriously ignorant people, so maybe they didn't realize that while Hawaii is not a part of the mainland - it is still a part of the United States.

He is not a secret Muslim.  (And BTW, why do we care if he's Christian or not?   The world is changing, people.  There will be a day when we don't have a Christian President so you'd better pull on your big boy pants and get ready because it's gonna rock your world.)

These Birthers hide their racism behind code words and I'm so sick and tired of them speaking in code.

That's why I was glad to hear about Marilyn Davenport.

Finally, a Birther who proves they're a bunch of racists.  When Obama was first elected President, Davenport sent an email showing a picture of the White House lawn planted with watermelons and now she's sent out a "family picture" showing President Obama as a monkey.  Davenport claimed she didn't realize these pictures were racist or offensive - she thought they were funny and that's why she sent them to a few of her friends who would get the joke and never intended for her emails to be made public (she's forming a mob as we speak to smoke out the "coward" who outed her).  Why don't you just burn a cross on the front lawn and call him the N word, Marilyn?

I can't believe she's a former Christian publisher!  Hey Marilyn, did you ever read anything you published?  Do you remember learning about Jesus and the way he treated people who were different than him?  Do you remember learning the little (albeit, annoying) saying:  What Would Jesus Do????  'Cause this ain't it!

I am embarrassed to be an American these days.  We are 1930s Germany!  We have political groups forming that are openly (and privately) hostile to people of color, to people who are non-Christian, to people who are immigrants, to people who are homosexual and to people who are poor.

The rest of us stand by and say, "Yeah, but those guys like Trump, Palin, Bachman, Beck - they're all crazy - surely, no one takes them seriously."  Oh yes they do.  Unfortunately they do and it's up to us - the sane ones - to rein in the cuckoos and put them back in the clock before they do real harm.

Let me tell you about an anonymous text I saw on the day President Obama was sworn into office.  The text read:  "There's a coon in the White House, everyone get your gun!"  That is a racist death threat against the President of the United States.

Davenport's email may not incite violence, but who knows what other emails she's sent out that haven't been made public?  I think she is the tip of the racist, homophobic, xenophobic iceberg that call themselves the Birthers and I want to punch them in the throat.

A-Hole Politicians & Their Rabid Followers

I've never been a fan of politicians.  I pretty much think they're all crooks and liars - just some more than others.  Lately, though, my opinion of politicians has gone about as low as it can go.  You know by now that I'm fairly liberal, but even the guys I voted for are pissing me off - mostly because they don't have any balls and they've seemed to have lost their voices.

I've read a lot of articles lately about how both sides are being total dicks when it comes to screwing the elderly, the poor, etc., but this article really took the cake.  Nothing makes me angrier than when politicians start screwing kids.

Michigan State Senator Bruce Casswell made a budget proposal that Michigan's foster children can only get clothes from secondhand stores like Goodwill and Salvation Army.  If you read the article, it's pretty offensive, but it's when you get down to the comments section where the good people of Michigan weigh in on the idea that really shows you what douchebags people can be.  I'll get to the douchebags in the minute, let's start with Senator Casswell.

Senator Casswell's argument is that he never had anything but secondhand clothes growing up and it was good enough for him so it should be good enough for the foster kids.  OK, but I would bet Senator Casswell wore his secondhand clothes in a home that was a safe and loving environment where he had two parents that cared for him.  Where he was treated with respect and dignity and where he was supported in his pursuits.  A lot of foster kids don't have that sort of safety net.  I'm not saying that new clothes are going to give them any of that, but it will at least give them dignity and help them blend in with their peers.  I didn't see where anyone was asking the state to buy these kids Juicy Couture or Polo.  You can find perfectly nice NEW clothes for good prices at stores like Wal-Mart, Target and even Macy's or The Children's Place if you watch sales.  Senator Casswell can talk all he wants about wearing secondhand clothes, but I bet her NEVER wore someone else's underwear!  Can you imagine the humiliation of having to wear USED underwear, bras and socks??

I wonder, when was the last time Senator Casswell was even IN a Salvation Army or a Goodwill store?  Probably not recently.  Well, let me tell you, I was in a Goodwill store not two weeks ago and it was a horrific experience.  First, I was SHOCKED at how expensive all of the clothes were.  T-shirts that someone got free from a casino were selling for $3.  Just what I'd want to wear:  Binion's Has the Loosest Slots!  Second, I was DISGUSTED by the condition of the clothes.  NOTHING was clean.  There were dresses with lunch still clinging to the front of them, a jumper with a used lollipop in the pocket, men's pants with God knows what on them - OK, I knew what was on them and let's just say the stains reminded me of Bill Clinton.  Shoes that were caked with dried mud and all of them looked like you'd catch a foot fungus just getting too close to them.  Third, I was APPALLED by the quality of the clothes I found there.  I live in an affluent area and this Goodwill is right in the middle of it.  I went there expecting to find some nice choices and instead I found clothes that were fashionable 25 years ago.  I found clothes with visible defects - missing buttons, stains, rips, etc.  Do you know how much buttons cost?  By the time I spent $5 on the dress and then another $3 on buttons, I might as well have gone to Macy's with my coupon and bought a new dress for the same price!

Once again, this shows me how out of touch our effing politicians are.  Big effing surprise there.  I'll give you a hint as to how we can solve a lot of the debt and budgeting problems:  tax the rich.  People like Warren Buffett and my former boss, Peter G. Peterson, are BEGGING to be held to a higher standard.  They know they have more than the rest of us and they're willing to share it, but they must be TOLD to share it.  WTF is Washington waiting for?

Like most politicians, Senator Casswell obviously lives in a gilded cage and doesn't have a clue as to what's going on in our country these days, but what about his constituents?  What is their excuse for being dickheads?

Did you read any of the comments that people posted?  What a bunch of ignorant, uncaring, selfish pricks. One person commented:  "These kids have already lost life's lottery, good to teach them that if they want to move up in society, they must work harder, they must overcome."

Well hell, if they've already lost life's lottery then is Goodwill even too good for them??  Let's not waste another dime!  Maybe we should just make them walk around naked and hope the elements claim them so we don't have support their hungry and cold little asses any longer!  I mean, after all, what's the point in keeping them around?  We're just raising a bunch of losers who don't have a chance of EVER being contributing members of society!

If the person who wrote that comment was standing here, I would ACTUALLY punch him/her in the throat.  What a complete and total asshat.  I hope that guy never needs unemployment or assistance of any kind.

You know how everyone's afraid the government is monitoring the Internet and keeping track of us a la Big Brother?  I wish they were.  I wish that if you made a comment like that, it would get filed under your name and then three years from now when the shit hits the fan in your life and you go to sign up for welfare or unemployment your name would be flagged.  You'd go in to get your check and it would be, "Ooops, sorry, I can't help you today.  Looks like on April 26, 2011 you commented that Michigan's foster children had lost life's lottery and you wanted to deny them basic human needs.  Yeah.....looks like you just lost the lottery too, jackass.  Welcome to hell.  You'll need to leave the building in the next 30 seconds before we throw you out on your poor, needy ass and delouse you.  You can pick up a Will Work For Food sign at the door - Jen has paid for that for you, she felt it was the least she could do."

The Kardashians

These girls (and their Machiavellian mother) have had this punch coming, but tonight since I'm so pissed off that I can't sleep they're finally getting what's due to them.

It's been a busy weekend and I can't sleep so I was catching up on my emails/FB when I saw an article on Yahoo about how much reality "stars" make.  (Don't even get me started on why we call these people "stars."  Ugh.  What do these people do except make total asses of themselves on TV?  Who knew there so many narcissistic people in the world to keep these shows going?  Not to mention the idiots like myself who watch their shows.  Why can't I stop watching The Real Housewives of Any City??)

"Stars" like Snooki and The Situation make millions of dollars a year giving commencement speeches and motivational workshops to the future of America.  Imagine the influence they're going to have over the next generation!  I can't wait until I'm a senior citizen and my heart surgeon is named Joey "The Heart Attack" DiCataldo and he keeps flashing his abs at me while he takes my blood pressure.  Very reassuring that I'm not going to die on the table.

What really pissed me off though, was when I read that the Kardashian family made $65 million dollars last year peddling garbage and "starring" in several reality television shows.  Their mom, Kris Jenner, said, she worries about "overexposure."  Wow.  What would it be like if she DIDN'T worry?  We'd have a Kardashian channel on our cable lineup and they'd ALL be on the cover of every magazine rather than just the hot one.

I have to admit, I've actually never seen any of the shows so I can't say WHY I hate these girls so much.  But I can say, I've been watching a lot of the same channel lately (maybe Bravo?) and they've been showing a ton of previews for Khloe & Lamar's show.  What a trainwreck.  Her mom attacks her for being too fat and ruining the "brand" they've all worked so hard for.  The "brand"?  What exactly is their brand?  Kim's ass?

All I can figure out is that Kim is the hot one and the other two sisters are kind of attractive - but not on their own, so they've always got to have Kim somewhere close by to complain about how much she hates her big (perfect looking) ass and how she had an ugly duckling phase.  (Don't you love when really pretty women talk about how traumatized they are by the tough phase they went through when they had frizzy hair and a pimple?  It was the worst two weeks of her life until she blossomed into the staggering beauty she is today.  I don't know how she got out of bed.)

I've seen a few ads with sexual innuendos that sell shoes - maybe?  (I can't follow what they're hawking half the time.)  I saw clips of the "music video" Kim and her body double made.  And, of course, we all know about Kim's SNAFU wedding.

And I've seen ads for several shows where a group of sisters descend on unsuspecting cities like New York, for instance, and I assume they drain all the natural resources, buy ugly shoes and move on.  I know there were some predatory credit cards at one point that they got in trouble for.  But I think I missed the cure for cancer they found and/or the Nobel Prize they must have won - why else would they get this much attention?

I guess that is the "brand" is Kris referring to?  Can you imagine what Kris could do if you sent her to medical school?  With the drive and determination she has for success she could probably cure cancer singlehandedly.

I can't decide who I think is the better mom:  Tiger Mom who calls her daughters "garbage" and tells her four year old a homemade birthday card is "unacceptable" all while she spends several hours a day teaching at Yale and forcing education and culture down her girls' throats OR Kris Jenner who belittles her adult daughter for destroying a brand she's worked tirelessly to create by whoring herself and her daughters out to any tabloid/red carpet that will take them.  That woman would charge for her daughters to attend the opening of a letter - and she'd probably get it because there are idiots who will pay to watch that.  Yeah, I'm going with Tiger Mom, hands down.

What is the world's attraction to The Kardashians?  They're not THAT cute, people.  Why do we find these women soooo unique and interesting?  I find it interesting they can balance on such high heels and that they made $65 million dollars last year - WTF??  Maybe it is because we like to watch the drama that only a group of sisters has?  If that's the case, then it's too bad there wasn't reality television 70 some years ago.  My grandmother is one of SEVEN sisters.  Imagine the drama those girls had!

Let's stop the madness.  I will say it now, I refuse to watch any of the Kardashian's shows and/or buy any product they sell.  I will do my part to drive them back into obscurity.  Who is with me?

Pow! Pow! Some More Minis

It's Friday.  Wahoo.  The weather sucks again.  Boo.  I'm having a hard time deciding who or what to punch today, so that means it's a mini punch list day!

1.  Misspelled signs.  How sad is this?  NOTHING drives me crazier than misspelled signs, but signs on schools really piss me off.  If I saw this on my school's sign I'd ask for the resignation of the Principal (he's your PAL, that's how you remember to spell it correctly) .

2.  Crappy Kansas weather.  We're having a wonderful spring (not).  It's freezing cold one minute and beautiful the next.  Some days the wind just about knocks you over (usually on those rare sunny days).  Today it's rainy and grey and humid (already??!!).  My sinus' can't take anymore.

3.  Apple slash Big Brother.  It's been a long time coming and really Apple deserves its own post, but I'll have to settle for a mini punch today.  What kind of cult - oops, I mean company - lojacks their customers without their knowledge or consent?  Oh right, a company who has no problem raping their fan base - oops, I mean customers.

4.  The Royal Wedding.  I know, I know, anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty excited about the royal wedding, but thanks to the media and their obsession I'm completely over it.  I mean, seriously, Yahoo wants us to sign a guest book and give them advice.  As if they could care that Jen from KS says "Never go to bed mad - stay up and fight."

I'm sure I'll watch it and I'm sure it will be a beautiful affair - it better be if they must rehearse their balcony kiss (no church kiss allowed) so that it can be at the best angles for the foreign press!  I'm also a little perturbed with the happy couple.  I had really hoped they'd break with some of the stodgy tradition stuff and have a REAL wedding.  They might actually have a chance of making their marriage work, but what a way to start.  So far, it looks like they're having a miserably boring, scripted wedding that the Queen will love - even if the rest of the world thinks it sucks.

As much as I'd love to rule a nation, I would not want to be called Jennifer my entire life, I would not want to be referred to as Ma'am (rhymes with "ham" - who wants to rhyme with ham??) and I would not want to practice kissing my future King so that it looks spontaneous and romantic from every angle.  Blah!  Honestly, does the Queen even DO anything these days besides live well and hunt with her hounds?  Why do we (I) care so much about this?  Please punch ME (and set the DVR to record)!

5.  Gun Owners.  Did you see the article today about the toddler who fatally shot his mother (allegedly) with a semi automatic weapon that his father had a concealed carry permit for??  How about the story earlier this week about the Kindergartener who brought a loaded gun to school and it accidentally went off and injured him and some of his classmates?

I'm not going to go off on anyone's right to bear arms, blah, blah, blah.  All I'm saying  is gun owners need to do a MUCH better job of keeping their weapons locked up and away from children.  BTW, though, WTF do you need a concealed carry permit for a semi automatic weapon?  Are you in Fallujah?  Nope, just Florida!  Why the hell is it loaded and ANYWHERE NEAR where a two year old can get a hold of it?  (For the record, I think this bastard killed his wife and is trying to blame it on the kid, but we shall see.)

Why is there a loaded weapon where a 5 year old can get it and bring it to school??  And where was this kid's teacher??  My kid brought a Lego to school the other day and I got an email telling me to make sure no more Legos come to school because they're not allowed.  How did the teacher miss a HANDGUN bulging out of the kids' pants??

Gun Owner, I am scared to death of my kid going to YOUR house and YOUR gun is not locked up and MY kid gets killed.  Lock up your damn gun!

EXTREME Couponers

If you don't know yet, I'll tell you:  the Hubs is CHEAP!  I mean, REALLY, REALLY cheap.  He manages to get free magazine subscriptions, he saves us tons of money on electronics by doing his research and price comparisons, he only buys clothes from the clearance rack WITH a coupon and he will only eat out at restaurants he has coupons for or that have a Dollar Menu he can order from.

That being said, he started bugging me about "Extreme Couponing" - a new show on TLC, I think.  He's telling me how we could be getting thousands of dollars of groceries every year for pennies on the dollar if we'd just "clip a couple coupons" like these people.

Today I had a little time so we sat down to watch the show.  About halfway through I wanted to punch the Hubs in the throat.  If he thinks we're going to do this, he's NUTS.

These people have a SERIOUS problem.  I predict they will end up on a very special "Hoarders:  Buried Alive Under Reynold's Wrap & Crest Toothpaste".  I truly believe these people are mentally ill.  The sickest out of the 4 they profiled lives in a 3 bedroom home where 2 of the bedrooms as well as her husband's "man cave" have become stockpile rooms.  The 2 bedrooms look pretty organized and tidy with everything arranged neatly on shelves, but the man cave is just piled high with plastic grocery bags.  It's like Hoarders Lite in that house.  This is the same woman who spent $70 ordering coupons (who the hell even know you could do that??) from a coupon clipping service so she could get 150 candy bars for free.  She brags that she spends 70 hours a week couponing.  Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm not very good at math, but I got out my trusty calculator and I did some figuring.  If you take the 70 hours she spends couponing PLUS the 40 hours she claims to work at a real job that only leaves a little over 8 hours a day for sleeping/eating/socializing/pooping.  I just don't think that math adds up!  When does she find the time to eat her 150 candy bars??  On shopping day she actually has to take a vacation day from work to spend 6-8 hours at the grocery store.  WTF???

I also get irritated when these Extreme Couponers claim how much they save by clipping coupons.  None of them take into account the $70-100 they PAY the clipping services.  Or the fact that they have 10 newspaper subscriptions so they can get coupons.  That's gotta come off your bottom line people - it's an expense.  I'm still impressed you managed to get $600 worth of groceries for $90, just don't tell me you only paid $20.

One woman doesn't order coupons she gets them the old fashioned way:  Dumpster diving.  She even had fancy looking gloves just for her Dumpster diving (I wonder if she used a coupon to buy those).

Dude, check out all the great coupons.
And don't even get me started on the narrator!  "Susie waits nervously for the coupons to start coming off her total.  If she's miscalculated anywhere she could end up owing more money than she has brought with her!"  Seriously?  Have you never gone to checkout at the grocery store and realized you didn't have enough money?  It's not like the Manager says, "Put on an apron and start bagging groceries, lady.  Someone's gotta pay for that ice cream!"  The drama is comical.  "Susie starts to sweat.  Something's gone terribly wrong.  The computer has frozen.  What will she do now with her 9 carts of groceries?"  Uhhh....walk away and say I'll try again tomorrow?  Don't worry, don't worry, it all worked out for Susie.  Four store employees put their heads together for 2 HOURS and finally came up with the brilliant plan of splitting her order into more manageable sizes so the computer could handle it.  I'm sure Corporate will be happy to see those productive hours!

Hey, I love a sale as much as the next person.  I will use a coupon at my favorite stores like Hobby Lobby, Gymboree and Macy's.  My problem is, I rarely see a grocery coupon for stuff I like.  I don't like Hunt's Ketchup (I'm a Heinz kinda girl) and I don't care if Hunt's will pay me a buck to take it out the store I won't buy it.  (Actually, that's not true.  If I had 300 Hunt's coupons that I found in a Dumpster and had a grocery store that doubled  my coupon and I ended up making money, I'd take the Hunt's out of the store and put it on Craigslist and sell it for half price and make more money 'cause I'd rather make money than save money.)

How much toothpaste can one family need?  What are they stockpiling it for??  Are they waiting for Armageddon??  They talk a lot about being able to live off of their cache for one or two years if necessary.  Yeah, if all you wanted to eat was deodorant, cat food, Barilla pasta, Gatorade, and Butterfingers.

One person on my Facebook summed it up perfectly: "these people are hoarders and thieves."  I agree completely and I have no desire to spend 70 flipping hours a week hoarding and thieving.

In the end, the Hubs and I compromised:  anytime he wants to go Dumpster diving for coupons, he's welcome to try it (because I refuse to subscribe to the paper or coupon clipping services) but if he brings home Hunt's Ketchup he has to eat it all.

Busy Day - Bunch of Mini Punches

1.  Mortgage companies.  I know, I know.  I'm a Realtor - I should love mortgage companies, but they really are so effing evil.  They're such greedy bastards.  They make so much money off of me every month and then LOVE to charge me stupid fees for verifying that I put a new roof on my house.  WTF?  Yup, today we found out that in order to get our money from the insurance claim, it must go into an escrow account held by our mortgage company and they won't pay the roofers until WE pay them to send a lackey out to verify we have a new roof.  Meanwhile, they earn interest off our insurance money while we pay for the roofer out of pocket and wait to be reimbursed.  Effing loan sharks.

2.  People who drive minivans like they're in the The Fast & The Furious.  I had a woman in a swagger wagon pull an illegal u-turn on a busy road in front of me the other day.  I thought we were in the middle of a police chase for a minute.  Then I saw she was on the phone and realized she was lost and calling for directions.  I sure hope she had Aighmey buckled in tightly.  My favorite part, though, was when I honked, she gave me the big F You!  I live in Middle America, people around here barely honk, so I'll give her props for dropping the F bomb on me.  However, she's lucky because it just made me wish I had something to throw through her window.

3.  Nosy/snooty neighbors.  The neighbor across the street from me is having some major landscaping done.  It's been going on for a couple of weeks now and every night machinery and piles of rock, dirt, mulch, etc. are left in the center of our cul de sac.  Today a Board Member from our HOA called and asked if I knew what was going on with all the mess.  I said, "Did someone actually call and complain about this??"  He said, "Yes."  Now, I used to be the Board President and I know how this neighborhood is.  They call about the dumbest shite.  (So and so's yard has dandelions and they're encroaching on my lawn.  So and so left his car on the street overnight and not in his garage.  So and so's dog barks too much.  There are black kids going door to door selling magazines - can't you stop them?)

I said to him, "Does this person even live on my street?"  Dead silence.  Yeah, that's what I thought.  They probably live two blocks over and they're still pissed off about what's going on in MY front yard!

Let me tell you, people, we used to have a pedophile who lived our street and some guy who shot porn films in his home every weekend, so a pile of mulch in the road is a WELCOME change to what we usually have going on down here in our neck of the woods.

4.  Technology.  The Hubs is really awesome at keeping us up to date with our technology.  He makes us super duper efficient and I can do everything I need to from the comfort of my sofa.  That being said, the MAKERS of this shite really suck.  We hit about the 3-5 year mark with any one item and all of a sudden it's kaput.  (In two short weeks we've bought a new desktop computer and a new external hard drive.)  OR if it doesn't break, then everything changes and suddenly the devices/phones/etc. we have are now obsolete and we need new ones even though the ones we have work perfectly fine.  So flipping frustrating!

5.  I would NEVER punch my kid - but seriously the crap he comes up with at bedtime really irks me.  Every night he is overcome with phantom pains - a foot that hurts, an ear that throbs, his throat tickles, his eyes won't stay shut.  It's just ridiculous.  He just stuck his head out the door to tell me he has a tooth that is loose and it's keeping him from sleeping.  I know a way to get that tooth out...

Random Companies That Emphasize the Fact That They're Christian Companies

A few weeks ago our area was hit by a major hail storm.  We've got tons of roofs that need to be replaced and everyone is getting bids from all the roofers coming out of the woodwork.  Many roofers are offering discounts of some kind if you allow them to put a sign in your yard.  I've been paying close attention to the signs because we need a new roof (Hail Yeah!).

I've noticed there are about 3 or 4 major players in town who are doing the bulk of the work, but there are also the occasional random roofer/contractor I've never heard of.  The bulk of the random companies's signs are sporting Christian fish or a "T" turned into a cross.

Am I supposed to think that because you have a fish on your business card I should trust you more than the guy who doesn't?  Is there a secret handshake I need to know to get the Jesus Discount?  Or, are you just assuming that as a good Christian, I will choose to ONLY patronize Christian businesses?  

It's not just roofers.  I'm in real estate and I see it cropping up in a lot of businesses like pest control and home inspectors.  The name Alpha & Omega (fill in the business type) is very popular around these parts.

What is the deal with this trend??  And why don't any other religions do this?  My pediatrician doesn't have a Star of David on his office door.  He might have a discount for the Chosen People - there definitely isn't one for the Jesus Lovers (I've asked).

I'm actually so turned off by the people who put their little crosses and fish on their signs that I choose right then and there to never call them and get a bid.  It just seems so phony to me.  And it actually puts me on edge and makes me think maybe they're scammers who are using the Christian thing as a front so you'll tend to trust them more.  I will say, I might trust them a BIT more than the guy I saw today going door to door driving a minivan with a ladder on top and an Arizona license plate said BIGHAIL.  (We're in Kansas.  This guy drove pretty far to "come and help ya'll out" as he put it.).  That guy was so sleazy he was sliding door to door!  BTW, what respectable roofer drives a Dodge minivan??

I'm a big believer of separation of Church and State.  I don't want prayer in my public school and even though there isn't a call for a legal separation, I still don't want a Bible verse on a business card from a termite guy.

Maybe I'm just jealous.  I consider myself a Christian.  I go to church every Sunday.  I teach my kids how to pray and about the Bible, but you will NEVER catch me proselytizing.  You will never hear me invite anyone to join us at church on Sunday.  You will never hear me give my testimony to a stranger.  That is just not who I am and maybe I'm jealous because Roofers for Christ isn't afraid to tell the world what he believes.

My thing is, I try to respect everyone's beliefs and I try not impose mine as "THE ONLY" way.  For me, Christianity is the way.  I was raised that way and I chose it a long time ago.  That being said, I have family members who have chosen other paths and I'm not about to tell them they're wrong.  Who am I to tell them that?

My other thought is, who HASN'T heard of Christianity and needs me to tell them about it and will a fish on my business card open that discussion?  Honestly, I'm not ready for that discussion - ironically, it's way too personal for me.  I can tell you my horrible birthing story where I shat on the table and I can tell you I want a boob reduction, but I'm uncomfortable talking to you about my religious beliefs and why you should believe what I believe.

Eh, what can I do?  I think I'll just put an anarchy symbol on my business card and see what kind of people I attract then - I doubt they'll want to talk about salvation.

SOME Plastic Surgeons

I'm SOOO split on plastic surgeons.  I'm not going to make this a blanket punch for ALL plastic surgeons, just a FEW.  I think plastic surgeons provide a fantastic service for people who suffer from birth defects or deformities caused by accidents/illness/etc.  I think it can be such a noble profession and I think a lot of surgeons are in it for the right reasons.  

The ones who irk me are the ones who prey on our insecurities to look better - at any age.  I read an article (and then watched the news clip) about a mom who got a free surgery for her daughter's "cup ears."  The girl basically has Obama ears and the mom was concerned that children would ostracize the girl IN THE FUTURE because of her ears.  The girl is 7.  She has never been picked on yet for the ears.  

The doctor doing the surgery is some pulled and tucked looking smooth POS who called the little girl's ears an "abnormality" and said the ears could harm her "developing self-identity."

Who is this guy?  Who is this family?  How did this little girl qualify for a free surgery?  She didn't have a cleft palate or something like that - she had ears that stuck out a bit.  Plus, I'm confused:  the doctor and her mother are so afraid that she'll be bullied and scarred by those ears that they need to anesthetize her and cut her and yet, every news story I read/see about her shows a mug shot of the little girl with her hair tucked behind her ears - showing off the ears in all their glory.  Yeah, 'cause THAT'S not embarrassing to her!  You don't want people to notice her for her ears and yet you're putting them out there?!  My guess is, that if everyone in her school hadn't noticed her ears before - they sure will now!
I'm thinking it's not her ears, but rather the conversation she had with the doc that could harm her "developing self-identity."

Have you ever met with a plastic surgeon?  I did.  Once.  I left the building feeling like an ugly duckling who just needed a scalpel to bloom.  I wasn't even there for a consultation.  I was there for an effing job interview!!  I can't imagine the full court press you get when you're in his office for a consultation.

I was about 25 at the time and I'd applied for a job to be the office manager for a popular plastic surgeon in New York City (not the guy who did the surgery on the little girl - but just as tucked and lifted).  We met at his office for our interview and he spent about 15 minutes going over my resume and the job description and said I'd be a perfect fit for the job.  Then he spent the next 40 minutes talking about the "perks" of working there - free plastic surgery.  I've always wanted my boobs reduced, so I sat up and started listening.

He never mentioned my boobs (I guess he thought they were big enough and a reduction is blasphemy to most men).  Instead, he went right for my nose.  (My nose that was broken when I was a child and has a slight adorable curve to it.)  "I could shave it down and give you a really cute little button nose."  I self-consciously covered my nose with my hand and thought, I thought my nose was cute.  I'd never thought of my nose being a problem.  It has character.  "And, of course, you'll want to do your eyes," he went on.  My eyes??  My eyes are large and blue and most people compliment me on my eyes.  "They're a little saggy in the corners.  They could use a lift.  Plus, now is the time to stop signs of aging with Botox."  I wanted nothing more than to find a large pair of sunglasses to hide my hideous eyes behind.  He talked about the benefits of liposuction and tummy tucks and even told me that if he were me, he'd suck the fat out of my chin and plump up my lips.  He said how much better I'd look and how attractive I'd FINALLY feel - after all the surgery.  As opposed to...???

I stumbled out of that interview wanting nothing more than to eat an entire chocolate cake and cry myself to sleep.  Years of bullying and teasing couldn't touch what that man did to my 25 year old "developeED self-identity" in less than an hour.  No wonder the 7 year old told her parents she was ready to have major elective surgery to repair her "defect."  She never had a chance!  And neither did the mother, really.  Wouldn't we DO ANYTHING for our children to make their lives easier/better/happier than what we experienced??

More and more children are going under the knife to try and fix their "defects" and to avoid bullying and taunting from their classmates and I'm just not cool with surgeons recommending and/or allowing that.

I am lucky at this point, because I have small kids who have no visible (YET) "defects" and at this point I can appease the bullies by sending my kids to school with the right shoes and/or toys.  I don't know what I will decide to do when my daughter comes home and tells me her knees are too fat and she needs lipo.  Or my son thinks his eyes are too small.

I hope, that at that point, I will still have the strength to sit down with them and talk about how perfect they are - just the way they are.  If that doesn't work, I'll tell them how sorry I am that they're surrounded by asshats who judge them by their looks, because, as much as I'd love to help, our insurance sucks and elective surgeries aren't covered so they're SOL.  

The Makers of What I Consider To Be Useless Products Like This One

So I was catching up on my Facebook updates the other day and I noticed that a friend "liked" an interesting sounding company:  Binsi Labor and Birth Apparel.  Hmmm...I thought to myself...I didn't realize we needed special apparel for birthing.  But after Googling the company, I realized there is a whole industry out there that I was unaware of.  You can see their wares here.

There is everything from the $55 PrimaMama Skirt (made of crisp cotton twill with cute, coordinating grosgrain ribbon) to the $40 GoGo Top (a glorified nursing sports bra).  I love that they recommend the PrimaMama Skirt can be worn during labor or for a trip to the park!  So cute, so versatile!  For 55 bucks I'd better be able to wear it to more than just the birth of my kid.  (PS - I haven't spent $55 on ANYTHING for myself in ohhh....about 7 years.)

I know, I know, there are many of you who like this stuff.  I bet one of you even owns a Binsi skirt, but I just can't understand the need for this thing.  (Now, WANT is a whole other thing and I definitely understand that!)

OK, so, before you all start flaming me and telling me how great this stuff is, I just have to say:  Seriously???  Do we NEED (not want) a special skirt to give birth in?  The hospital gives you a perfectly workable gown for free (true, it's ugly as crap, and at the end of the day you and your insurance company has paid thousands for it, but who cares?).  

And if you're at a home birth, don't you have a bra you could wear and maybe a fifteen dollar Old Navy skirt that would work just as well as the Binsi skirt?   

But back to Binsi and what they offer.  I love the "Sport" version too - just as adorable only it doesn't "wrinkle" as easily.  Yeah, because when I'm pushing a bowling ball out of my vagina I'm worried about looking wrinkled.

The most disturbing part, I found, were the testimonials about how great the moms looked in their Binsi's while giving birth.

WTF??  How great you looked wearing a Binsi??  I am all for being comfortable (hell, I rarely get out of my pjs if I can get away with it) and so if these clothes make you feel more comfortable during your labor and birth then I am on board.

HOWEVER, if women are worried about how they "look" (ie, "wrinkled") during labor I think that's a whole other problem.  You're giving birth.  It's a tough, messy job.  There isn't a cute and/or "feminine" enough skirt in the world to cover up the fact that you just crapped on the table.  I don't know about you, but I sure as hell don't want to wear that skirt again after that!

I feel like, once again, companies are preying on women and our want for "stuff" along with our insecurities of trying to be perfect mothers/wives/women in general.  Not only do we need to have the perfect birth that we've planned out to the T with the right music/lighting/scents/etc, but now for only 100 bucks we can get the wardrobe to go along with it that will help make it perfect, because we will look and feel terrific squatting on a birthing ball!  

The birth of my first child did not go the way I'd planned (and I'm not a planner, people).  My plan was to simply deliver a healthy baby on time.  My plan did not happen.  To this day I get pissed off when I think about it.

Yes, I wore the ugly ass gown and the baby came home in a dirty t shirt from the hospital NICU because we didn't have any clothes that fit him nor did we have time to dress him before we took him from the hospital against their wishes (that's another punch for another day).

However, I don't think a labor skirt would have made any difference as to how that experience would have gone.  I was delirious with pain/exhaustion/elation that day/night and I couldn't give a rat's ass how cute I looked.

When I look at birthing products and child care products, I have to think, What would women 200 years ago thought of this product?  Carseats?  Awesome.  The Burrito Wrap thing for babies?  Heaven.  Breast pump?  Kick ass.  Expensive skirt designed just to give birth in (and/or a quick jaunt to Target)?  WTF?  

Can someone PLEASE explain the value of these clothes to me?  

Hollywood Casting Directors Who Cast the Movies of Books They Don't Read

I am a reader.  The hubs is a movie watcher.  I majored in English.  He majored in Film.  I've never seen him read more than a headline on the newspaper or a caption under a photo.  I watch movies for pure entertainment.  I don't notice tricky camera angles.  I barely recognize great acting.  He thinks I'm a Neanderthal when it comes to my list of "great movies" (Star Wars is always number 1).  I think he's a rube and I secretly suspect he might not be able to read.

The only time I get persnickity about movies is when Hollywood takes a perfectly good book (with rabid followers like myself) and RUINS it with their casting choices.

Who read The DaVinci Code and imagined Tom Hanks!??  IMO Tom Hanks will always be Kip Wilson from "Bosom Buddies" and there is nothing he can do to change that.  He plays the same role over and over again only this time he's at the Vatican.  Now Kip's in space.  Kip is lonely and can't sleep in Seattle.  Now Kip is eating a box of chocolates.  YAWN!

Is Robert Pattinson ANYONE'S idea of the perfect Edward Cullen?  (Where are the muscles, Hollywood?   He took off his shirt in that one scene and I about puked.)  I don't know who they could have chosen, but just about ANYONE else would have been a better choice.  Edward is supposed to be smokin' hot and have a body to die for and a face that's so beautiful you can barely look at it.  I don't see any of that with Rob.  The only thing saving Rob is he has a great head of hair that you want to touch and a British accent.
Harry Potter was done pretty well.  J.K. must have been really involved and made sure the casting directors actually read her books.  You can do that when you're as powerful as J.K., I guess.  I never got used to Ginny though.  I don't know if there is a dearth of redheaded actresses in Hollywood/England, but I think they could have dyed someone's hair to have a better Ginny. She was not as cool as I imagined.

Now Hollywood is working on two of my favorite franchises:  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Hunger Games.  So far I'm not UN-impressed with Tattoo's choices.  I like Daniel Craig.  I don't know enough about Rooney Mara yet, so the jury is still out on that one.  The Swedish versions were cast really well and I think Hollywood could learn a thing or two from them.

The Hunger Games is already ruined.  Katniss is clearly described as having olive skin.  She should be played by a Latina or a Native American actress.  Instead the blonde haired Jennifer Lawrence has been chosen.  WTH?   And don't get me started on the boys they chose for her love triangle.  ICK.  If I were Katniss and these are the two boys I get to choose from, I'd just stay in the Arena and take my chances with Tracker Jackers.  The only way these movies can be saved is if they cast Robert Downey, Jr. right now as Haymitch.  He's the only one.  They still have a chance to save this franchise.

Who am I kidding, though?  I own all the HP movies.  I brave the teeny-bopper crowds and see all the Twilight movies in the theatre (and yell like the old lady I am at the loud teeny-boppers to pipe down so I can hear Bella and Edward profess their love to one another).  I'm pretty excited about The Hunger Games coming to the big screen and no matter who they cast, I'll be there - bitching the entire time - but I'll be there.

I'm just asking that Hollywood stop looking at the big name actors and actresses and take a moment to read the damn books.  It will make your job easier and I would argue you'll make more money.  Look how big Twilight is.  Can you imagine how much bigger it could have been if you hadn't jacked it up with casting?!  If you'd picked the right Edward, I would have bought a poster (to hang in my closet where no one could see it of course) and I'm not the only Twi-Mom (or whatever you want to call me) who would do it.

Fastest Rising Baby Names

OK, so by now you know how much I hate weird names.  Yesterday, I received the newest edition of American Baby magazine (along with a free sample of Enfamil - WTH?  I'm waaaayyyy past this stage and I'm not sure how I got on this list again!).  Anyhoo, I noticed on the cover of the mag there was an article entitled "Pick a Name You'll Love Forever!" and since baby names has been a hot topic for me lately, I HAD to read the article.

This is what I found out:  a lot of people are mashing up names when they can't decide who should "win" the baby naming war.  OK, so one parent likes Lilliana and another likes Ella so they go with Elliana.  It reminds me of "The Electric Company" (Sh.....ip....ship).

At the bottom of the article they had a list of fastest rising baby names and the list made me laugh.  Here are some of my favorites:

Adelyn and for those of you who don't like that spelling you could be different and try Adalyn which is also on the list.  (I actually like Adelyn and Emily and so on, it's just all the crazy spellings people come with for the same name that cracks me.  Says Jenni with a cutesy "i".)
Same goes for Maliyah and Malia (Unless maybe the first is pronounced MahLEEah? So glad I'm not a teacher trying to call roll.)
Kinley - and people think my kid has a dog name?  If I had a dog this would be a name on my list.
Caylee - the Britney of the aughts.
Londyn - easy enough if you don't like so many "Os" in your name.
Cullen - TwiHards perhaps??  No one wants an Edward so this is a good compromise and I bet most dads don't realize it's a Twilight reference.
Jax - and his sister Jilz?
King - Trump might have another kid just so he could use this one.
Jasper - More TwiHards??  (Although, I will admit I like the name Jasper - I'm into old man names.)
Kason - Hmm....I just can't think of why I don't like this name, but it just looks and sounds wrong to me.  It looks like you were trying to name your kid Jason and someone missed the J key when they were typing up the birth certificate.  Maybe it was a mashup compromise.  Mom likes Jason dad likes Kevin?  Mom likes Kaeden and dad likes Mason?

While the baby names are fun, the punch today goes to Enfamil and American Baby.  Get me off your lists and stop sending me free stuff I neither want nor need.  The baby factory is closed and will not be reopening so stop wasting your money and resources on me!

BTW, anyone need INFANT Enfamil?  I've got a free sample you can have.

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Bristol Palin

I saw this article this morning and it made me sooooo angry I just about screamed.  I didn't have time to write so I told Ms. Palin, "I will be back later today to punch you in your mother effing role model throat!"

Can SOMEONE please explain to me how this dolt was paid $262,500 to be a role model to UNWED, PREGNANT TEENAGERS??????  WTF??  Right here, folks, is why there are many days I am embarrassed to be an American.  Who put this slut on a pedestal and said, "She's a perfect role model for abstinence."???

I can only imagine a bunch of old white guys (it's always old white guys making these kinds of decisions)  sitting around a conference table at the Candie's Foundation and saying, "We need a strong role model that we can put out there to help encourage teenage girls to abstain from sex.  Who should it be?"

"Hmm....Elizabeth Smart?"

"God, no!  She's Mormon.  We need a Christian."  (Because, of course, these guys always think Mormons aren't Christians, but that's ANOTHER rant for ANOTHER day.)

"True.  Hmm....ooh, I know!  Bristol Palin!"

"Bristol Palin?  Isn't she an unwed teenage mother?  Aren't we trying to stop that?"

"Exactly!  Who better?  It'll be like 'Scared Straight'.  She'll tell them how tough it is to be an unwed teenage mother.  Show them how hard her life is.  She barely got through high school and couldn't go to college.  She'll tell the girls what real life is really like with a baby.  That will stop them in their tracks!"


Are you fricking kidding me?!  Who in their right minds thinks Bristol Palin is the typical unwed teenage mother?  Let me see, most unwed teenage mothers struggle to find a job, pay the bills, take care of the baby and finish school.  I don't see Bristol having any of those problems.  Bristol made $262,500 because she got knocked up!  Plus, she lives at home, I'm sure she has "help" for the baby and she could go to college if she wanted, but she's too busy whoring herself out to DWTS and Candie's Foundation and making a career for herself as a "motivational speaker" (barf - she's motivating me to move to Canada).  Bristol's success is making me regret not having a baby when I was 17.  I'd love to make $262,500!

Remember the first time we met Sarah Palin's spawn and it was revealed Bristol was pregnant?  I was cracking up.  I said, "Oh yeah!  How are McCain and Palin going to spin this one?  Palin is such a bitch.  Always talking about how abstinence is the best policy.  Yeah, look where it got you - GRANDMA!  People are going to want her blood for this."   But it never happened!  The sheep of America looked at Palin's pretty face and tight ass and said, "Well, at least Bristol didn't abort it."

WTH, America!?  It's like I don't even know you anymore.  Are you that effed up to think that Bristol should be lauded as a role model because she and her baby daddy (don't EVEN get me started on that dumbass, Levi Johnson) were too stupid to figure out how to work a condom??  This is the kind of person you want to hold up and say, "This is a shining example of what America has to offer the world."??

Ugh.  The whole Palin family is so full of shite and such a bunch of hypocrites.  I am SOOOO sick and tired of seeing their mugs every time I turn on the TV blathering on about something they barely understand and rewriting the dictionary.  I'd like to line up every Palin over the age of 12 in their front yard, ride by on a snowmobile and punch them all in the throat and then, since I'm so close, I'll go visit Russia.


Kate Gosselin

Readers have been BEGGING for Kate to get punched and I'm finally ready to do it.  Don't get me wrong, she's always bugged the crap out of me, but lately I felt like she's been fairly low-key and really hadn't done anything too offensive.  Until today.

Today I read that Kate is PINING for Jon.

Are you freaking kidding me??  Kate, c'mon!  Who are you kidding?  You can say all you want about missing your best friend/father of your children/blah blah blah.  I'm not buying it.

That guy was a complete waste of space since the first episode of your show.  You have never respected him or taken him seriously.  (I know, I know, how could you?)  He totally deserved your verbal ass-whippings.  Seriously, the guy pretended he didn't know how to even feed his kids half the time (and now that I think about it, I don't recall him ever changing a diaper).

I don't believe you're pining for him, Kate.  Not for a second.  Have you forgotten how he couldn't hold down a job?  Have you forgotten how instead of acting like a dad he always acted like the doofus (and baked) older brother?  He was so pathetic back then, Kate!  And really, who knew what kind of mess he'd finally turn into?  (Who wears that many Ed Hardy t-shirts???)  Please Kate, don't you remember how nauseating he was running around town with the 25 year old daughter of your free plastic surgeon??  (It's little details like that that make me such a huge fan of reality TV - you can't make that crap up!)  Do you remember when he stole $230,000 out of your joint bank account?  Have you forgotten all of this??

Do you know what I think, Kate?  I think YOU'RE pathetic.  I believe you haven't forgotten ONE THING Jon did to you, but you're ready to put it behind you for the "sake of the kids."  B.S.!!!  You bombed on DWTS.  Your new show is tanking.  Half of America hates you and the other half could care less about anything you do.  No one wants to go back to nursing - or whatever your job was before you were a reality star.  So you're scrambling and you're ready to sell out.  You need to recreate the magic that was Jon & Kate + 8.  You have to get Jon back in the mix.  The show is boring without you verbally abusing him on a daily basis.

And that's my problem with you, Kate:  Jon at least owns his doucheyness.  He went out and had an affair with a young thang and made no bones about being a dick.  But, you always play the martyr.  You're the one staying home making organic, free range, made from scratch, dairy free, gluten free meals for your brood.  You claim to only have the kids' best interest at heart.  B.S.!  You don't do it for the kids (if you did, you'd have your kids off the air by now and in serious counseling).

Just own it, Kate.  Say it out loud:  "I do it for the fame and fortune!"  You always have.   Look at you.  You're so motivated by money that even after Jon humiliated you, stole from you, cheated on you and neglected your kids, you're still willing to take that POS back into your life on the off chance the ratings might actually go up and the money will flow again.

That is so effed up, Kate and THAT is the reason you need a punch in the throat.  (PS - hate the new hairdo, I really think it's time to fire your stylist.)

Ultimate Blog Party 2011

So, this is not my typical post, because I don't actually want to punch Ultimate Blog Party 2011 in the throat.  Rather, the nice ladies over at 5 Minutes for Mom are sponsoring this event so we can all find some cool, new (to us) blogs to read.  Go check out all the links they have.

If you're new to People I Want to Punch in the Throat - welcome!  Don't worry, I won't hurt you.

A bit about me and my blog:

Literally, less than a month ago, the Hubs and I were watching the Today show and I couldn't move fast enough to turn it off before Hoda & Kathie Lee appeared.  I said, "Ugh, I just want to punch those two in the throat!"  The Hubs said, "You know, you should start a blog called People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  You really can't stand a lot of people and you need to get it off your chest."

He was totally egging me on.  He threw down the gauntlet and the hell I was going to ignore that!  So I wrote about Hoda & Kathie Lee.  I put it on my Facebook and I realized that people liked what I had to say.  It became addictive and cathartic.  I just write what's on my mind.  Some of it is political (I'm a lefty, so if that's a problem you should probably go now), some of it is about celebrities (I won't pick on Charlie Sheen though, because I believe he's ill and he should be in treatment) but a lot of it is about just every day crap that just bugs the hell out of me.  This blog is cheaper than drugs and /or counseling and I believe it will single-handedly keep me off a roof with an AK-47.

When I'm not writing this blog, I'm a full time wife to the Hubs, a full time mom to two rug rats and a full time Realtor.

So, welcome - take a look around and see if you like what I have to say!

Rep. Sean Duffy and his wife Rachel Campos-Duffy

This will give you a clue as to just how old I am!  Who watched The Real World & Road Rules back in the 90s?  Do you remember The Lumberjack guy?  Well, that's Sean Duffy.  All grown up now and a representative from Wisconsin.  He married another Real World alum Rachel Campos.  Do you remember her?  She was the idiot who had the crush on Puck - the guy who blows his nose by snorting on the sidewalk.  She's got excellent taste in men.

Sean was always an ultra-conservative dumb ass who really didn't have a lot of intelligent things to say, but he got a lot of airtime because of his All-American good lucks and the weird fact that he was some sort of lumberjack champion and he was always showing off his mad log-rolling skillz.

Rachel and Sean met on Road Rules and the rest is history.

A few years (& six freaking kids) later, Sean takes his conservative agenda to Washington while Rachel stays home and manages her website/blog where from what I can tell she hawks her book - Stay Home, Stay Happy - and tries to pimp herself out as a "television personality" - whatever the hell that is!

So Sean decides to hold a town hall type meeting where he starts bitching that he can barely make ends meet on $178,000 a year.  He boohoos about having to drive a used minivan and paying too much for healthcare. Of course you have to drive a minivan and pay too much for healthcare - you have 6 frigging kids!  If it were just you and Rachel, you could drive a used Sentra and save money that way.  Hey Sean, I got another idea to make ends meet - why don't you invest in contraception?!  Six kids would drain anybody.  Or you could tell Rachel to get off her ass and get a job that actually pays.  Last time I checked you could get her book on Amazon for two bucks - that's not gonna do it, friend.

This is just another example of politicians who have no idea how the rest of the world lives.  I am soooooo sick of listening to these a-holes complain about how tough it is for them.  I think Sean should consider himself lucky to have the job he has, because I cannot imagine a corporation actually hiring him and paying him $178,000 a year.  Plus, I can't imagine log rolling or Rachel's crappy book would bring in $178,000 a year.  I'm also amazed how, in this economic climate, a politician can get up in front of his/her constituents and tell them they have more problems than the audience has right now.

This ain't The Real World, Sean, people actually have real problems that aren't created just for television drama.  If Wisconsin votes for you in for a second term, I'll punch the whole state in the throat.

The Hits Keep Coming....More Mini Punches

1.  People who don't hold the door open for you.  It used to be common courtesy that you held the door for the person behind you - ESPECIALLY if that person has her hands full!  Now, we're in such a big hurry these days we just drop the door.  My favorite is when the person looks behind them, SEES you and still drops the door in your face.  Thanks, jackhole!

2.  Indecisive people.  I'm amazed how many people cannot make a decision.  And I'm not talking "Should I pull the plug on my mom?" kinds of decisions.  I'm talking about "Where should we go for dinner?" or "Paper or plastic?" kinds of decisions.  The Hubs and I are such "deciders" (thank you, W, for inventing the best word ever) that people might consider us downright bossy - but I've decided that I'm OK with that.

3.  Home sellers who listen to my advice, take notes, do half of my suggestions and then bitch at me when their house doesn't sell.  Do you bitch at your doctor when you get diabetes after he told you to lose weight and you didn't?  I can only give you the tools, it's up to you what you do with them.  (For those of you who are my clients and are wondering; I'm not talking about YOU.  You'd know it if I were, because we would have already had this conversation in person.)

4.  Kids who bully my kid.  About once a week my kid comes home from school and says, "So and so was mean to me today and told the other kids not to play with me - and they did." or "So and so says my shoes are stupid and not cool at all."  Nothing pisses me off more than to hear this, especially because they're BOYS.  I expect petty crap from a bunch of girls, not 6 year old boys.  This is such Queen Bees and Wannabees crap.  What boy knows how to be a Queen Bee??

5.  People who aren't ready at a fast food restaurant when it's their turn.  Maybe this goes with number 2, but in my mind this is a completely separate entry.  My kids are hungry, we're waiting patiently, WE know what we want and then we end up behind the guy who's saying "Hmm....Filet-o-Fish or Big Mac?" or my favorite "What do you have here?"  What do you have here?  It's fucking McDonald's EVERYONE (including my 4 year old) knows they have here!

6.  I've said it before, but I'll say it again, because it happened again yesterday - keep your big damn SUV in your spot!  The lines are there for a reason.  If you can't fit your boat into the spot, find another spot!

7.  People who can't count at the 20 Items or Less checkout.  Fifteen bottles of Coke, 25 light bulbs, 3 packages of diapers, 10 bras, a pack of smokes and a bag of chips doesn't count as 6 items.  Like items do not count as one in my book.

8.  Those same people who can't count usually are the ones who pay by check too.  Seriously?  A checkbook?  The only person I know who still uses a checkbook is my mother and when she pulls it out, I back away slowly and pretend I don't know her.

9.  People who take their middle school aged sons to a water park and let them loose like a pack of howler monkeys to destroy the fun my children are having.  WTF people?  My elementary and preschool aged kids are minding their own business going down the lazy river in an inner tube and these twits come along and flip them out of their tubes.  I spent most of my afternoon policing this group of little shitheads.  I couldn't figure out who they belonged to, but I sure tried, because I was ready to give their zoo keepers a piece of my mind.

10.  Me.  For putting on a swimsuit.  In December.  I apologize for any lasting ill effects this nightmarish and pasty vision had on anyone at the pool today.

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