Hello? Is There Anybody Out There?

Heyyyy! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever! Do you feel like that? Well, between working on a ton of new projects and Zuckerberg doing his damnedest to keep us apart, I thought I'd give you an update on what's been happening.

First of all, Zuck, does not want us to be friends anymore. I get it. He's running a business and he wants to make money just like I do. The thing is, I'd be more than happy to pay that guy enough to buy a few new hoodies every month (and maybe even a new pair of tennies too) if he'd still let us all hang out, but the dude wants a FORTUNE from me for every post I'm trying to share. I can't swing that and so we're going to have to find new ways to be together behind his back.

I don't have $1,500 to spend PER POST

Gwyneth Tries to Live on $29 a Week

Poor, poor, poor, filthy rich Gwyneth can not catch a break! That girl needs to fire her publicity department, because between peddling $550 travel backgammon sets as great stocking stuffers and touting the benefits of steamed vaginas, Gwyneth isn't getting the kind of press that does her any good. She's become the out of touch celebrity who sounds a tad crazy every time she opens her mouth. It's become so bad that no matter what she does she's vilified.

Take for example this week's publicity stunt: Gwyneth accepted the food stamp challenge in an effort to bring attention to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP). Gwyneth accepted the challenge to live on $29 worth of food for a week. And then I assume she asked her personal shopper to ask her mom where commoners shop, because that $29 would only buy her a week's worth of Vegenaise at her normal food boutique.

Figuring Out Why I Drink

This year I've partnered with Responsibility.org as one of their #TalkEarly bloggers. I was very excited when Responsibility.org asked me to join them, because now that my kids are getting older―Gomer is 10 and Adolpha is 8―we're talking more and more about the pressures they're already starting to face with regards to alcohol. I'm amazed by how many questions they're asking me! 

“Why do people drink alcohol?” 

“Why is it only for adults?”

“What does it taste like?” 

“Can't I just try it?” 

“My friend gets wine at Christmas, can I have some?” 

And on and on and on. Luckily, by teaming up with Responsibility.org and the #TalkEarly program I'm going to learn a lot and I'll be able to answer those questions. This experience will also give me the tools I need to have great conversations with my kids about ALL OF US making good choices when it comes to drinking responsibly. April is Alcohol Responsibility Month and so now is the perfect time to start having some conversations with your kids.

One of the conversations I want to have is why I choose to drink alcohol.

The One Trophy I Won't Throw Away

I'm a terrible mom and I don't care who knows it.

It was the night before the cleaning lady was scheduled to come and so we were doing the "cleaning for the cleaning lady dance." Yes, that's a thing, people. You can't really turn over your house to the cleaning lady in it's normal disgusting state. She can't know what pigs you really are. And if you want her to clean properly, you've got to get your crap off the floors. She's not going to vacuum if you've got Legos, stuffed animals, and dirty underwear strewn about.

The Costume Designers at Mad Men Need to Keep Their Hands Off Jon's Family Jewels

So, it has come to my attention that Jon Hamm is a bit famous for going . . . uh . . . commando.

That almost looks uncomfortable. Does stick to his leg when it's hot out?

How did I miss this memo up until now? I am a huuuuuge fan of Mad Men and Jonny, in particular. In case you didn't know, he's on my List. Y'know, my List. (For the slower folks at home, my List is the list of celebrities the Hubs has given me a free pass for in the event I can actually get them drunk enough to hook up with me.)