Hello? Is There Anybody Out There?

Heyyyy! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever! Do you feel like that? Well, between working on a ton of new projects and Zuckerberg doing his damnedest to keep us apart, I thought I'd give you an update on what's been happening.

First of all, Zuck, does not want us to be friends anymore. I get it. He's running a business and he wants to make money just like I do. The thing is, I'd be more than happy to pay that guy enough to buy a few new hoodies every month (and maybe even a new pair of tennies too) if he'd still let us all hang out, but the dude wants a FORTUNE from me for every post I'm trying to share. I can't swing that and so we're going to have to find new ways to be together behind his back.

I don't have $1,500 to spend PER POST

The easiest way is to subscribe to the blog. He can't stop that. I won't spam you or give your email address to anyone. It will be our little secret.

Another way is to follow me on Amazon. I'm planning on putting up several short collections of essays on Amazon over the next few months and this a good way to keep up with new selections. These essays are all brand new, never seen before stories and rants that are less than a buck. Yeah, yeah, I'm charging a dollar, but believe me it's the best dollar you'll spend this month. These essays won't appear anywhere else, except in these short collections. I published the first one Just a Few People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Vol. 2) this past week. These essays are available on Amazon exclusively.

Just because I'm moving more content over to Amazon and Facebook is limiting my reach 
doesn't mean that I'm going to stop blogging! Not to worry. As long as Gwyneth continues 

Along with the Few new essays, I also put out a new anthology: I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone. That's right. I put out Volume Three of the New York Times best-selling series. I've got a bunch of new original essays from some of your favorite "female bloggists" and a bunch you might not know. There will be something in this book that I guarantee will make you laugh and there are a few that will totally make you cry.

I've been working on the final edits for Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Whoo hoo!! After two years off the market, it's finally coming back. I've doubled the size and Random House put a snazzy new cover on the front. It will be out in October, but you can pre-order it whenever you're ready.

Pre-order this book or Gingy loses his other leg.

Let's see, what else is happening? OH! I'm going to be doing some traveling this spring and summer and I'd love to meet you.

At the end of the month I'll be in Calabasas, CA so call in sick that day and come out and see me.

I'm also planning a road trip with the fam. I know, I know. This is easily the craziest thing I can do, but the Hubs has been up my grill for years about how much "fun" a road trip can be. I don't think he ever took one of those as a child. When he told me we could get a minivan and take it on the road, I relented.

I don't have all the details yet, but here is my tentative schedule this summer. I'll make some pit-stops in the following cities:

North New Jersey
St. Louis

It's the Unofficial Panera PIWTPITT Tour. I'll pick a random Panera where we can meet up and have something to eat (because a girl's gotta eat) and if you want to bring your books, I'll sign them for you.

PLEASE come out and give me a break from listening to Gomer ask "Are we there?" non-stop, Adolpha playing Frozen on a loop,and the Hubs singing U2 at the top of his lungs.

Be sure to check out my EVENTS tab on the blog for more details.

And one last thing. I've been told by some people that they miss my favorite comments of the week. I haven't received too many good comments lately, so I'll give you my favorite review for People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges. 

This beauty is from a guy named Mark who I think secretly has a crush on me (my comments are in italics):

Sh*t My Dad Says = Funny. (I totally agree.)
People I Want to Punch in the Throat = Not.

SMDS = Funny blog successfully turned into book form.

SMDS =  Fun to read over and over again.
PIWTPITT = Wasn't fun the first time ... (It was so bad you had to finish it just to see if the end was as bad as you suspected. Why not stop at page 39 like most of the one-star reviewers did?)

SMDS =  A "must read" recommendation.
PIWTPITT = Not. (Soooo, you're not going to recommend it anyone? Not even like, "Hey you guys, I just finished the worst book. It's nothing like our favorite book Sh*t My Dad Says, but it's definitely worth a hate-read.")

SMDS = Worth the money.

SMDS = A great book to on the back of the commode.
PIWTPITT = Should be put IN the commode. (Oh I see what you did there, Mark. You. You're very witty. YOU should write a book. I bet it would be hilarious.)

It's hard to decide what is more horrible: the extreme Stepford-wife suburban hell the author seems to to live in (and feed on) (Nom, nom, nom. Yoga pants and Costco cards taste delicious), or the author herself. After reading, I apparently hate her, her friends, her enemies, her kids' friends' parents, her school system, her values system, her writing, and her sanctimonious judgmentalism (it's my own word, but feel free to use it at will). (Wow. That's a lot of hate, Mark and people say I'M angry. My mom used to tell me that the boys who kicked me at recess did it because they liked me but weren't mature enough to show me. I might be reading into something here, Mark, but this attack feels a bit like that. I think someone has a mean crush on me. Am I right?Thank you. That's very sweet and I'm flattered, but I'm married. As for "judgmentalism" I will totally steal that word.)


Unknown said...

So, hi. I follow you on Feedly so I'm not going to miss blog posts. BUT, there is a gigantic f***ing mountain goat covering like half the page on mobile. Montana should know that their obnoxious ad means I am even LESS likely to ever visit them again.

Linda Roy said...

I'll see you in Jersey for a You Pick 2 and some cawfee tawk! Happy travels. :)

Unknown said...

First, would love to see you when you come to NJ, but there doesn't appear to be an official date yet. When is it? (Also, we call it North Jersey, Central Jersey, and South Jersey- you leave off the New when you are regionalizing.) Safe travels!

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