People Who Do Studies About What Children's Names Mean For Their Grades, Their Future Salaries, Their Luck Factor, Blah, Blah, Blah

Today, this story caught my eye.  Kids with A and B names are better students than the rest of us.

My top of the class brother's name starts with A so I immediately started blaming my name for my lack of math skills.  Of course I've been average my entire life, I didn't have a chance!  I was doomed from the moment I was name Jenni.  Half-assed J - there you sit, right near the middle of the alphabet.  Damn my parents for not thinking harder about my name!  Imagine what I could have done if they'd just named me A.  No name, just the letter!  I could have been President or I could have cured cancer or something like that.  Instead, I'm just average Jenni.  Just living my average life because of my stupid name.  Don't try and convince me that it's not my name that makes me average.  I know what you'll say:  Jen, just look at your idol, Tina Fey.  Tina is a T name and she is above average.  That just shows what you know.  If you were a real fan like me, you'd know that Tina's real name is Elizabeth.  The fifth letter of the alphabet.  Pretty darn close to "A".

My brother, of course, is a high powered attorney living a jet-set lifestyle on the other side of the pond where he shops for fancy shoes like these for all of his upcoming formal events he's always being invited to.  (I haven't been to a formal event since Prom 1990.)

But instead of staying mad at my parents and their lack of originality (Jennifer was a top 5 girls' name for 20 years - way to think outside the box, folks), I decided to be mad at the people who conduct these asinine studies.

As parents, we've already got so much pressure on us not to screw up these little people and it all starts with the name we give them.  We think long and hard about what we're going to call these little wrinkled blobs (that all look alike to me).  How can we set our little wrinkled blob apart from the others in the nursery?  With a name.  The perfect name.

We've pored through the books and fought with our spouse for this one moment.  We've got our list and it was pretty hard to come up with.  Oh sure, there are some easy ones to avoid:  Adolf, Kathie Lee, Osama, Barney.  But, then you venture into odd ones like:  Fern, Winifred, Barry, and Fraser.  Are those strong and unusual names ripe for revival?  Will those names make the blob unique and help he/she to stand out from the sea of Aidens and Avas?

Will Humphrey be a successful businessman or will Alexander take the promotion because he's got an "A" name? What about Agnes?  She's got an A name, so she should be good in school, right?  But is Agnes a successful name?  Or a lucky name?  Arrgggghhhh!

Who is paying for these studies?  Who reads them (besides me)?  Do they mean anything?  Probably not...right??  Are we sure they don't??

All I know is my blob naming days are behind me and I'm glad that's over.  I named one kid an unpopular Old Testament name and the other one a family name that seems to remind most people of their dead dogs.  My kids are screwed.  What do you expect from a J name??

I'm going to say these studies are for entertainment only and have no scientific value.  I can't buy into this crap and start renaming my kids now!  Sure, my brother was a better student than I was, but it has nothing to do with his name starting with A.  I'm positive it's because he was tall and we all know tall people are more successful in life.

The Parents on Toddlers & Tiaras

The Parents on Toddlers & Tiaras.  This one was suggested by a reader.  I had never seen the show before and I had to go out on the web to see what all the hullabaloo was about.  All I can say is: OMG.  These people have named their children:  Lynsie, Mercedes, Brittanie, Ashley-Noelle and Morghan.  Need I say more?  You know how I feel about people who give their kids ridiculous names with even more ridiculous spellings.

Have you watched this show?  It is a train wreck.  It typifies everything that is wrong with America.

All right, I'll give you the rundown.  Each episode is basically the same.  You've got Brittanie (aged 2-6) who lives in some tiny, crappy town in the south that no one has ever heard of.  Her dad works long hours at a factory and her mom's full time job is "managing" Brittanie's pageant career.  Brittanie has other siblings who are completely ignored and/or neglected except when Brittanie needs someone to practice her dance routine with or she needs an audience for her painful rendition of "God Bless America."

There is always a shot of Brittanie's small room in her tiny house that is FULL of enormous crowns and trophies she has won over the years.  These trophies are 6 freaking feet tall.  Mom is there telling us how many times Brittanie has won over the years.  The judges "can't get enough of her."  And then the question of prize money comes up.  How much does Brittanie make when she wins?  Oh, well there's always some money.  Yeah, usually about $150 plus gift cards to Denny's and a free oil change care of Larry's Lube.  But don't forget those beautiful trophies!  Those are real crystaline, crystal-type crystals, dontchaknow?  Really, though, Brittanie doesn't do it for the money.  She does it for...  And this is where the mom always says the usual B.S. like "poise...confidence...grace...the ability to overcome shyness"...and of course, "college scholarships."  Who are you kidding, Mom?  Let's face it, you're not hoping for a college scholarship, you've got your hopes pinned on Brittanie taking over where Miley Cyrus has left off.  My favorite mom, though, was the one who wants to her daughter to compete in pageants so she can be a lady, love God and know how to please her husband someday - just like Momma does. WTF??  Do they teach that at the pageants???  That sounds illegal to me.

Now, Mom's getting a bad rap here and I don't mean to exclude the horrible role Dad plays in all of this, because after all, pageantry is a family affair.  Dad tells Brittanie that she's got her mother's bushy eyebrows and he's going to shave them before the pageant.  So he sits Brittanie down at the kitchen table and shaves her eyebrows with a Bic!  The whole time he's shaving her, he's telling her what a shame she got Mom's bushy eyebrows.  'Cause his are so delicate!?!  Nothing like giving your 2-6 year old a complex already!  Good job, Dad.

Once Brittany's brows are groomed it's time for hair and makeup.  She usually goes to the local Kut 'n' Kurl where she's made to look like an extra in a porno film from the 1990s.  Insane!  She goes in with pigtails and a Mickey Mouse shirt and comes out with extensions, falsies (eyelashes not boobs), and a Vegas show girl outfit.

Ahhh, this brings me to the outfits!  My favorite part of the show is what these whackjobs PAY for these outfits!  Hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars!  And these outfits are RIDICULOUS!  One girl looks like a deck of playing cards - only sexier and covered in sequins.  Or a sexy cowgirl.  They take perfectly cute ideas like Raggedy Ann or a puppy dog and then sex and sequin it up - on a toddler.  I don't know how they do it.  It's an art - truly.  And one of the artists really amazed me.  By day she's a local bus driver in BFE and drives Brittanie to school, but by night she is a magical seamstress who can whip up outfits that transform Brittanie into a pedophile's dream.

Finally, it's pageant day.  Brittanie is groomed, coiffed and cinched into her costume and she's ready to compete.  She's back in her Motel 6 room (the pageant is in the main conference room) getting into the zone:  sipping Mountain Dew through a bendy straw and telling her mother that she is going on in 10 minutes and she'd better find the f-ing CD that she's supposed to sing to.  WTF????  That sweet little Mickey Mouse-wearing toddler has transformed into a Pageant Diva.  Cut to Mom in the confessional:  "Well, Brittanie got a little mad, because I did lose the CD.  Y'know she works so hard and she's such a professional when it comes time to get on stage that these little outbursts backstage aren't such a big deal.  (Nervous laughter).  I guess we kind of created a little monster.  (Nervous laughter again.)  But she's soooo pretty."

It's go time!  Dad is in the audience with ignored siblings video taping.  Creepy, pedophile looking guy is peering over his shoulder watching the girls through the zoom lens.  Does he even have a kid in the show??

Brittanie's up.  She takes the stage with her robotic, choreographed movements where she turns like she's on one of those turning daises they have cars on at the dealership.  Her smile is plastered on her face with Super Glue and her eyes are hard and flinty - and a bit dead.  Her brows look great though - good job, Dad!

The judges show no emotion as they write down their scores.  The pressure is maddening!  Mom tears into a Snicker bar.  Brittanie sucks down another Mountain Dew.

Talent competition.  Brittanie puts on her sexy teapot outfit and sings "Be Our Guest" from Beauty & The Beast.  The audience loves her splits at the end (Try doing that in a teapot costume, Morghan!).

The judges show a hint of a smile.

Finally, it's time to announce the winners.  Remember how this is the generation that never loses?  There are never any winners or losers at their soccer games, etc.?  Well, pageants are no different.  There are TONS of winners and their titles all sound like complete nonsense (Miss All-American Smile Ages 18mos - 2 years, Mr. Most Handsome Ages 3-4, Miss Overall All-American Smile and Friendly Disposition Ages 12 mos - 17 mos).  Brittanie sits quietly through all the "loser" winners and is waiting for the big one:  Mega-Overall-Super-Duper-All-American Smile and Friendly Disposition Queen of the South Region of Sun Valley Inc. Pageants.  The winner will receive a 7 foot trophy, a 3 foot crown, $500 and a framed certificate.  This is it, folks, drum roll please......


Brittanie cries, Mom cries, Dad wipes a tear and pedophile guy snaps a ton of photos.

We end our episode with Brittanie back home in her little room with pig tails and Mickey Mouse again.  She's got her new enormous trophy and crown in her room and Mom is dusting them.  Mom tells us that she's so proud of Brittanie.  Brittanie rolls her eyes at Mom and looks like she wants to punch her in the throat.

Dads Who Don't Change Diapers

So, I was reading an article the other day about Mike Tyson and what a "great dad" he is.  Apparently Mike has something like 8 kids.  He's on his second or third wife and she was gushing to the media about what a great dad he is.  He does everything, everything!  EXCEPT change diapers.

Explain to me how that is being a "great dad."  A great dad is someone who shares in ALL the responsibilities - even the smelliest and nastiest ones.  Can't you just imagine Mike in his little, weird voice:  "Ooooh, stinky poo, I can't go near that!  Yuck.  I think I might throw up!"  This is a man who bit another man's ear off.  Yeah, 'cause that wasn't disgusting!  I will take a blow out that requires a full bath for me AND the kid before I'd ever put a sweaty, bloody ear in my mouth!

I began to wonder who else besides Mike doesn't change diapers.  I wasn't too surprised to find this douche bragging that he doesn't change diapers.  Never has, never will.  Of course, you all know how I feel about him.  Little Barron (I'm surprised Donald didn't name the kid Emperor) probably has a designated woman just for changing him.  I bet he even has a solid gold PeePee TeePee, engraved with his initials no less.

Unfortunately, after some digging, I found that even dads I like Gavin Rossdale, for instance, won't change diapers either!  He's even quoted as saying, "We've got good people" to do that sort of job.  Ick.  I'm so over you, Gavin.  You dick.

I also found out that famous men aren't the only ones who won't change a diaper.  According to a survey done by Pamper's a full 10% of men won't touch a diaper.  Are you kidding me?  What if you're the only one home with the baby?  (Yeah, right, if you won't change a diaper, you won't let the wife leave you home alone with the kids.)  You're just going to let her wallow in her own filth 'til Mommy comes home?  The sad thing is, after my own informal survey of friends and family, I've decided a lot of guys lied to Pampers.

Come on!  Where are the real men out there?  I know I'm married to one.  I know that my husband changed as many (he'll, of course, claim more) diapers as me on any day of the week.  He understood that by being involved in our children's lives (even in those stinky trenches) he was bonding with our kids and setting the foundation for a strong relationship with them in the future.  He also understood that we chose to have these kids TOGETHER.  We're a team.  We're not Fun Guy and Poop Scoop Girl.  We're mom and dad and we both take turns doing the crap jobs when it comes to raising our kids.

I don't care what you wear and use, as long as you change a diaper.

Luckily for Mike, Donald and Gavin, they can all afford "good people" to wipe their children's asses, but the rest of us don't have that luxury.  So moms need strong dads to stand up and say, "Here honey, I'll take a turn."  (Trust me, guys, you want to take a turn.  There's nothing sexier than a man who does laundry and changes dirty diapers.  It's like foreplay for us.)  Man up, dads!  Change a diaper and show your kids that you want to involved in ALL aspects of their lives AND show your wives how much you love them.

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A List of Mini Punches

13.  Mini-Punches.  Today the hubs and I were driving along and someone in front of us swerved into our lane for no apparent reason other than - "Oh crap, there's the turn I was looking for!  Look out everybody, I need to go there."  WTF??  Hubs suggested I punch that person in the throat.  "Just a mini punch," he said.  In honor of him, I decided today should be a list of mini punches for crappy drivers and anyone else who pisses me off on a daily basis.  So here you go and feel free to add yours to the comments.

1.  Tiny women in giant SUVs who think they own the road.  9 times out of 10 they are on the phone when they practically drive over you.  The sad part is they'd just think you're a curb or a speed bump and keep going.

2.  Large men with tiny you know what's who drive giant SUVs and park so close to me at Sam's that I can't open my car door to get in.  You stay between the lines, not straddle it, dumb ass.

3.  Aldis.  For never having more than one flipping employee working.  Most people who shop there shop like they're filling their bomb shelter for Armageddon and I go in for the ridiculously cheap gallon of milk and lose 45 minutes of my life because Aldi only has one cashier working (thus the way they manage to sell milk so cheap, but still - would it kill them to have 2 cashiers??).

4.  Costco.  For only opening 2 checkout lines and letting the lines snake to the bakery aisle.  Costco does not have cheap milk and they have dozens of employees, so what gives?

5.  Couponers/Price Matchers.  (Can you tell I did a lot of shopping today?  There's a real theme to my rant, isn't there?)  There's always an expired coupon in the mix and you've got to argue with the cashier.  You're going to argue over 30 cents when there's a huge line of people behind you?  I always pick the line with the price matcher person who has her multiple flyers that she wants honored.  I'm probably just pissed off because I'm not that organized, but again, it always happens when I only have one item and I'm in a hurry.  If Aldi listed their price of milk in a flyer, I'd bring that in to Price Chopper and piss off the people behind me.

6.  Perky morning people.  You know who are.  Stay out of my way until lunch time.

7.  South Korea.  WTF??  I realize I'm a little late to this party.  I just heard about this today, but still, it pissed me off enough that I had to add it to the list.  I don't even like animals.  I eat meat just about every day.  I wear leather.  I'd wear fur if I could afford it.  But this is sick and wrong.

8.  People who let their dogs eat and/or drink out of their mouths.  Yuck.  Told you I wasn't a fan of animals.

9.  Pets that KNOW I don't like animals and yet they choose my lap to sit on every time.

10.  People without clutter in their house.  I don't trust a clutter-free home.  I've seen too many homes and most of us live in a cluttered home.  I think clutter-free homes are owned by aliens.  Outer space ones.  Lizard people kind.

11.  People who pick their noses and flick their findings out the window at red lights.  We can all see you!  Your windows are not one way glass.  You'd actually have more privacy at your desk when you get to work than you do at the light.

12.  People who don't believe in conspiracy theories.  Don't be a sheep!  I love conspiracy theories.  The crazier, the better.

13.  People who don't read my blog.  That will take some time to punch all of them, but I'll see what I can do.

Millionaires Who Don't Feel Rich (Wah!)

Last week Fidelity Investments released it's annual "Millionaire's Outlook."  The Millionaire's Outlook surveys around 1,000 families with at least $1 million in INVESTABLE assets (this doesn't include real estate and/or retirement accounts).

The Fidelity report found that 42% of millionaires don't "feel wealthy."  In order to feel wealthy, they'd need at least $7.5 million in the bank.  Keep in mind, the average U.S. family in 2007 had a net worth of around $120,000 (and that number includes real estate, people!).

I'm not surprised these people feel poor (these MFers always want more don't they?), but I am surprised they have the balls to tell the rest of us that they feel poor (that just shows you how out of touch with reality they really are).  Wah, go to your beach house to cry, would ya?

Who do these Richie Riches think they are?  They sit and whine during $500 dinners about how damn poor they are and then go home and pay their nannies/gardeners/housekeepers/drivers 5 bucks an hour plus last years' used Prada bag that "Madame" thinks is out of style now and then complain about how much the help is making for not doing much.  You're right.  Taking care of your snot nosed, spoiled brats or cleaning up your pee-stained toilet and skid-marked undies or mowing your 2 acre lot with a push mower because you like how it looks when it's done that way is sooooo much easier than whatever it is you do to make your money (I'm guessing your job has something to do with a pyramid scheme designed to launder money and bilk old people out of their savings.)

Do these people have any idea how the rest of the U.S. lives?  Do they know that more than 20 million U.S. children receive free or reduced-price school lunches?  Lunch costs 2 bucks.  There are families out there who can't pull together $2 a day to feed their kid and these people are bitching that they don't feel rich?  I want to drop the F bomb so much, but I will restrain myself.

But here's what you'll hear from these people:  "I worked hard for my money."  Yes, I'm sure some of you did, but I bet that for every one of you who did, there are 4 who are crooked.  "I give a lot to charity."  I used to work for super wealthy people and I know what charities they give to - asinine ones.   The Republican Party (duh, they're not going to crap where they eat), no-kill dog shelters (I'm not going to bag on puppies, but I'll choose to help a human being any day over an animal.), obscure political organizations (usually right-wing, of course) and anything to benefit a golf course and/or polo field. So many times requests for money would come across my desk and I'd send them for approval.  Republican Party:  $10K, Puppies:  $5K, Golf Course Renovation:  $10K, Shelter for Women and Children:  NO - SHRED.

20 million kids.  I'm sure these people can imagine what 20 million DOLLARS looks like (they dream about it every night apparently), but can they imagine 20 million hungry kids?  Not the kids you see late at night on TV in far away countries, but kids here in our country - in their town, maybe even at their kid's school. Imagine those families and how little they must have compared to these wealthy complainers.  Try living in those (Payless) shoes for a day and maybe learn a little about feeling poor.

Eh, I don't know why I even bother trying to tell them about these kids, because I'm sure their response would be:  "Let them eat cake."  Which is why my response is: "Off with their heads."  And, of course, a punch in the throat.

Anyone Who Thinks a Tour of Home Depot Should Count as a Field Trip

Crappy Field Trip Planners.  OK, so today was the first day of school after a week of Spring Break.  I checked my email late last night only to be reminded that Monday was the first day back AND a special field trip for the preschoolers.  We were going to...(wait for it)...Home Depot!  Yup, you read it right.  Home effing Depot!  WTF??

My poor kid.  She's the baby and she's sat back for a number of years and watched Big Brother go on some cool field trips.  He went to the pumpkin patch, bowling, a cool, interactive children's museum, and an apple orchard to name a few.  Little Girl gets to go to Home Depot.  Sad thing is, she's not even sure what she's missing.

Last month we had a field trip to the local grocery store.  I kid you not, the manager asked 3-5 year olds: "Does anyone have any questions for the produce manager?"  Are you kidding me with that?  The highlight of that trip was the bakery because they each got a cookie.  The grocery store probably ranks higher since HD didn't give out a snack.

Today, Home Depot was just bizarre.  We had a tour of the store with a perky "associate" who showed us a giant saw, stacks of wood, bags of mulch and pointed out a few specials.  We couldn't even build a bird house?  The kids got antsy and whiny after an hour (the mothers only lasted 15 minutes).  I will say though, I think we wiped them out of pink and purple paint samples - the girls went a little crazy and we didn't stop them, it was the least HD could do for them.

As we're driving home, I asked Little Girl, "Did you enjoy your special field trip today?"  She said, "Yes, but I think the pumpkin patch is better.  The bus ride was fun though."

I get that schools are cutting back and there isn't much funding, but come on!  I will chip in my six bucks so my kid can at least make a bird house or go to a museum.  These corporations invite the schools to come and "visit" for free and the tours just suck.  The kids are bored and have no clue what's going on and the people giving the tours have no idea how to teach kids.  The moms want to stick forks in their eyes, but manage to spend $25 before they leave (did you know there are special light bulbs for dimming??).  Not to mention, I paid for today as a "school" day and let me tell you, my kid learned jack today:  "This is carpet.  Does it feel soft or rough?  Do you have carpet in your house?"  Side note to the moms:  "We're offering free installation through the end of the month!"

I just got a note home today from Big Brother's teacher about his upcoming field trip.  I don't have the heart to tell Little Girl.  BB is going to see the play "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".  Now THAT'S worth missing school for!

Assistants to Pseudo-Celebrities

Assistants to Pseudo-Celebrities.  Do you watch any of the Real Housewives shows on Bravo?  Lately I've been catching up on my Real Housewives of Orange County.   The OC girls have really been hit hard by the housing crisis and the collapse of the economy.  A lot of them had to go into foreclosure and move out the gated community where they all used to live.  They've given up the big houses, the fancy cars, spa days, but not their assistants (and limos, for some reason - those girls will rent a limo for a Tupperware party).

Half these gals don't even have real jobs.  They're always trying to start a beauty line or a line of hand bags or something dumb like that.  ("Jessica Simpson has a line of hand bags, why can't I?"  Umm.....'cause no one knows who the hell you are.)  They live in crappy condos on the outskirts of town and keep tiny dogs as their pets. The assistant will always show up in the morning with Starbucks in hand ready for a "super busy day" at the "office" (AKA the housewife's kitchen table).  I don't know if the work is too boring to show or what the deal is, but once they "get to work" Bravo always cuts to the assistant feeding the dog or giving the dog a bath or his heartworm meds or picking up poo.  It seems to me the assistant's number one job is taking care of the dog.

When the assistant is not looking after the dog, she is rehashing the latest fight with the housewives and then ends by telling her boss how she's "got her back."  WTH??  Are they in a gang?  Did Bravo cut the streetfight scenes?  This is the OC, remember, this ain't Jersey with all the extensions-yanking and alleged Mafia connections.

My questions to these assistants are:  How did you find this job? and Can't you find a better job? and How much do you get paid?

I'm thinking this job was posted on Craigslist and the ad went something like:

WANTED:  Relatively attractive woman to be assistant to famous reality show star.  Must be detail-oriented, have a car and know where ALL the Starbucks are.  Candidate will be compensated with air time on my reality show, free products from my beauty line/purse line and stock options for future IPO of beauty line/purse line.  Great potential for the right person to make six figures!  MUST love dogs.

Honestly, if your BOSS lives in a crappy two bedroom condo and has a full time job fighting with other women on a reality show while she tries to start a "beauté" business, you should get a new job and a punch in the throat.

Readers Appreciation Day

Hey All, I really appreciate how many of you out there are reading this blog!  I really appreciate all you readers out there.  I know you've got your own people who you want to punch in the throat so today's your lucky day!  Please comment and tell me who you are and you'd punch and I'm sure they'll make my future posts!

Have a great day!

Ryan Phillippe

9.  Ryan Phillippe.  This douche bag has been on my punch list for years.  He thinks he is sooo hot and he is such a pig.  I can't stand the way this guy even looks!  OK, I'll admit, he has a nice bod, but his personality is as exciting as a bucket of hair so unless he's going to stand in the corner with his shirt off and NOT say a word he can't come over.  I just looked at his picture again.  He needs a bag over his head too.  He has the eyes of a serial killer and the mouth that makes me think of the tranny from Silence of the Lambs.

Ryan Phillippe, you will all remember, was once married to Reese Witherspoon.  Back in the day the two of them were fledgling actors and soooo in love.  But fledgling or not, Reese had always had talent.  Remember her in The Man in the Moon?  It was obvious even back then that she was going to be a big star.  Ryan....not so much.  Quick, tell me one movie that dolt starred in.  Exactly.

So Ryan and Reese are happy for a bit, they have a couple of kids and meanwhile Reese's star goes white hot.  She is the toast of the town.  She is Hollywood A-list.  And Ryan can't handle it.  Not even a little bit.  This guy has such an ego problem with his wife being a bigger star than him.

So what does he do?  He dumps her for a lesser known actress, Abbie Cornish.  NOW he's the big man in the relationship.  Way to go, Ryan.  Way to walk out on your commitment to your wife and two little kids because you are so insecure you couldn't take it that your wife was more successful than you.  BTW, how can you be insecure with abs like these?  Just stop trying to act and focus on being an underwear model.  Play to your talents, Ryan.

Meanwhile, he dates Abbie for a while and things seem great.  Until....yep, you guessed it.  Abbie enters the Hollywood A-list too.  Once again, Mr. Megalomaniac can't take the pressure of being known as Abbie's "purse holder" and he dumps her too.

He builds up quite a rep in Hollywood of man-whore.  That's classy, Ryan.  Now that your kids are old enough to read the tabs at the grocery store maybe you should scale it back a bit.  But why would he? He's finally found his niche and he's famous for something at least.  After Google-ing him I realized he's famous for his slutty ways.  Apparently, everyone's given him a try and the reviews are better for him in the boudoir than the cinema.

Today I read he's been seen canoodling with Amanda Seyfried AND he knocked up some other girl - allegedly - he's still waiting on the paternity test to come back.  Gotta love a girl who gets so much play she needs a paternity test to determine who the father of her unborn child is.

Doesn't Ryan learn from his past?  Amanda Seyfried is THE it girl right now.  She is poised to take off.  Wanna take bets on what Ryan will do when that happens?  

Hey Amanda, I have great news for you:  You're going to be a star and soon!  And you won't have to hang around that dumbass anymore.  PS- I hope you really don't like Ryan and you're just using him for a career boost since his track record has been so good!  He's like your own personal lucky charm!

Amanda, you can do so much better!  Punch him in the throat and move on to bigger and better things!

Nicole Imprescia

8. Nicole Imprescia.  I just have to start out by saying Who the hell does this woman think she is?  She's worried her kid is too dumb to get into an Ivy League school and she paid $19,000 for a 2 year old to go to preschool?  Who's the dummy now?

I'm a little stunned that this woman has already written off her four year old child as a complete loss because her preschool didn't prepare her for Ivy League.  What kind of mother is that?  "Well, that's that, Lucia, you'll be lucky to get a job at McDonald's now!"  My question is: If your kid is so smart and so gifted, she shouldn't have needed a program to get into an Ivy League.  You could have put her in a closet and she still would have been smart enough come test time.

I went to the York Avenue Preschool website and nowhere on there does it promise to get your kid into an Ivy League school.  It doesn't even mention colleges or universities.  Ms. Imprescia (come on, we all know she's a Mizzzz.  She'd never settle to be anyone's Missus) got wrapped up in all the B.S. she was hearing at her local Upper East Side hot, must-do class of the month.  Probably Mommy & Me Baby Picasso slash Sing and Sign in Cantonese Class for Fetuses.  I bet she was 7 months pregnant listening to all the other mommies talking about getting Grayden or Maryse (these mommies don't go for Aighmey, they go with "family" names) on the waiting lists to get into the "very best preschool in Manhattan."  She freaked out and started attacking preschool interviews and research the way most of us would interview cancer specialists when we've been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  That is a life of death situation - preschool admittance is not.

Here's what I know.  We have a Harvard grad in our family and he never went to an elite private preschool.  He arrived in this country without a word of English and attended the closest New York City public school.  He attended a competitive (but still public) high school and was eventually accepted into Harvard (not to mention almost every other Ivy League school you can think of).  If he had not been accepted into Harvard, I know his parents would have NEVER said, "It's because your preschool didn't prepare you!"  No, they would have said, "It's because you didn't study hard enough!"

Once again, I am always amazed at the bubble some New Yorkers live in.  There is a class of people who live there who just don't get what the rest of the world is up to.  These are the people who are overwhelmed managing 2 kids, 4 nannies, a housekeeper, a cook, a houseman, a driver and an assistant not to mention trying to keep up with the hottest new restaurants (Fuud) and trendy places to go on vacation ("For winter break we're going to Lapland where we can rent a chalet made entirely of ice!  We'll be wheels up tomorrow at 10 a.m.").

They believe the sun rises and sets on that elusive Ivy League diploma.  I don't know about you, but I didn't attend an Ivy League school and I'm doing OK.  Yes, I live in Kansas and to these people that's like the armpit of America to them, so right there, that would be unacceptable.  They'd never visit their children if they settled in Kansas - or even, God forbid, New Jersey.

I only have one luxury car and I have to drive it myself.  I have a cleaning lady - twice a month.  I don't have a nanny (but I have a mom close by who pitches in for free).  I've never had a cook or a houseman.  I was once an assistant to these kinds of people, so I know what I'd have my assistant do if I ever had one (take fecal specimens to the doctor's office - true f'ing story).

My kid attends a pretty great preschool though.  I was reading about the faculty at York.  They all have certifications in Early Childhood and most have Master's in Early Childhood Education.  My preschool's faculty offers the same levels of education.  They teach my kid her letters, numbers, colors, etc. through interactive play and she has art, gym, music and library time, just like York offers.  She doesn't get French (Mon dieu!), but we'll be OK.  French is not that important to our family since we don't have a chateau in France where we summer.

By now, you must be thinking, Wow, what do you pay for this education?  It is Kansas, so it's not as expensive as New York City where it costs $19K.  Hmmm, maybe $10,000?

Nope.  $11 bucks a day.  Sucka.

I hope when you bring this case to court, Ms. Imprescia, the judge punches you in the throat and throws your case out on its ass.

Alexandra "Epiphany" Wallace

7.  Alexandra Wallace. Have you seen this video yet?  It's making its way around the 'net and it's a doozy.  I'll give you a little background.  Apparently, Alexandra was raised in a bubble and never heard that UCLA has a large population of Asian students.  Either that or she has brain damage.  I'm thinking brain damage caused by enormous fake boobs, but I'm just guessing.  So, unfortunately when Alex got to UCLA she was dismayed to see so many Asian students with families that love them and visit them on a regular basis.  I get the impression Alex's parents don't visit much so she might be a bit jealous of the attention her neighbors get from their families and that's where her animosity is coming from.  Or maybe Alex was just dropped on her head a lot.

Anyhoo, Alex (despite what her enormous rack implies) spends a lot of time in the library at UCLA.  She uses her brain people, not her body to get ahead in the world!  Don't judge her by her highlighted extensions and ridiculous inflatable chest.  After all, y'know she studies like political science theories and y'know whatnot.  Alex could be our next president if we're not careful.  I think Alex is spending all her time in the library reading their subscriptions of US Weekly and Star Magazine.  She just looks like someone who has got to be up to date on the whole Charlie Sheen thing.  I think she's looking for an opening for the next "goddess." 

She's a complete racist and really throws her hat in the ring for the Village Idiot nomination.  She has a lot to say, but my favorite is when she claims she's almost coming to an "epiphany" and she's interrupted by the rude Asians on their cell phones.  That girl wouldn't know an epiphany if it hit her in her face.  I'll give her points just for using the word correctly, but that's all the points she's gonna get.

This is the kind of girl who got a gold star in school for hanging up her coat properly and I'm guessing nothing else.  This is what can happen to our kids if we don't raise them right.  I don't know about you, but I'd DEFINITELY punch Alexandra in the throat if she was my kid and then I'd ask someone to punch me in the throat for raising her to be such a "nice, American girl."

Personal note to Lex:  Alexandra, soon you will be graduating (hopefully) from UCLA and looking for a job.  Do yourself a favor, find a shirt that fits you properly, stop bleaching the hell out of your hair, figure out the difference between "daytime makeup" and "nighttime makeup" and stop making racist blogs, you dimwit!  You realize that everything you put on the web stays there and follows you for the rest of your life.  Use your video camera for what you bought it for:  Skype strip teases.

Rep. Peter King (NY)

5.  Representative Peter King (R-NY) is mounting a witch-hunt against Muslim-Americans.  It's like McCarthy all over again.  This is a man who is so afraid of his own shadow that anyone who looks differently, speaks differently or dresses differently from him and his narrow minded buddies MUST be a terrorist.

He is conducting hearings on "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response."  King is so intent on rooting out homegrown Muslim terrorists that he's investigating Muslim-Americans who have no ties to any terrorist organization because they're not doing enough to stop the threat.

Are you f-ing kidding me??  Since when do we treat our citizens like this?  I don't care if you're Republican or Democrat - we all uphold The Constitution and we all live in this country so this kind of B.S. doesn't happen.

Freedom of religion is a constitutionally guaranteed right to all Americans (unless you're Muslim, I guess).  I realize King isn't trying to make these people renounce Islam (yet), but he's definitely marginalizing their religion and causing a lot of anti-Islam sentiment.

Why is it that you're allowed to say things about Islam (and those who practice it) that you'd never be able to say about Christianity or even Judaism?  King actually said, "There are too many mosques in this country."  What???  Who says that kind of stuff?  Ignorant, racist, fear-mongering people do.  Can you imagine what would happen if King said: "There are too many churches in this town."?  No one would stand for that.  Those idiots at the Westboro Baptist Church would probably take a break from picketing funerals of fallen soldiers and take a hit out on King.  Hmmm....could solve two problems actually....but I digress.

King is using these hearings to supposedly find corrupt Muslims who are supporting the radicals who want to blow us up.  If he wants to find a terrorist supporter, he needs to look no further than the mirror.  King has openly admitted that he supports the IRA - a group that the US and Britain DO believe is a terrorist organization.  The man has balls to stand there and be confronted with his own terrorist-assisting past while he denounces current would-be terrorist supporters.  He sees a distinct difference between the IRA and Muslim extremists because the IRA "never attacked the U.S."  Oh sure, yeah, that makes sense.  Thanks for clearing that up, Pete.  You meathead.

Does anyone study history anymore?  I realize we're all very busy figuring out the new IPad 2's two cameras (Why the hell do you need 2 cameras??  Can't you just turn the frigging thing around to take a picture??  Are we that lazy??) and catching up on my blog and FB status updates (Costco run!  Got 30 rolls of toilet paper and a vat of peanut butter!).  But, does anyone remember what we do to people who don't look like us or act like us or worship like us?

Does anyone remember Japanese internment camps?  Or even worse:  Auschwitz?

We are a country of immigrants.  We are the original melting pot or salad bowl or whatever analogy we teach the kids these days.  We can't start falling for this racist, xenophobic, homophobic, misogynistic propaganda that is put out there by the people who yell the loudest.

Peter King is one of those people.  He wraps himself in the flag and attacks Americans.  He deserves a punch in the throat.

Lindsay Lohan

4.  Lindsay Lohan.  Aren't her 15 minutes up yet?  Ugh.  I am so sick of hearing about this girl.  She seemed like such a sweet girl back in the day when she did Parent Trap and she's unrecognizable.  And why is she headline news??  What was the last movie she made that anyone remembers?  Did it make any money??

Instead she is famous for her messed up life.  We all know she's been in and out of rehab and court so many times I've lost count.  We all know she allegedly stole a necklace when she's got tons of money in the bank.   We know that sometimes she's straight, sometimes she's a lesbian, sometimes she's blond, sometimes she's a redhead, sometimes she has boobs and sometimes she doesn't (anyone else notice that?  What can I say?  I read a lot of People and they love to put pics of her in a swim suit.).

She's ill, people.  She'll obviously do anything to keep herself on the number one spot of what's trending on Yahoo.  She needs help.  She needs her mother to stop going on the Today Show to give the inside scoop on what's going on with Lindsay and instead turning the entire interview around and making it about herself.  She always manages to let America know she was once a Rockette.  No offense to the Rockettes, but why is that important to know?  Lindsay needs her dad to man up and stop being such a dillweed.  He needs to stay out of jail and stop punching random people (I know, I know - but I only WRITE about punching people.  I've actually never done it.)

Her parents are fame whores and they've raised her to be the same.  It's truly sad.  I saw her dad is going on "Celebrity Rehab".  Really?  HE'S the celebrity?  Do you even know his name?  I just Google'd him.  I had to Google:  Lindsay Lohan's Dad because I didn't know his name.  BTW, it's Michael.

I've decided I'm going to change this post from Lindsay to her and her pathetic excuses for parents.  She shouldn't have to take the punch alone - they created that monster, they need to be punished too.

Don't forget to help Japan.

I Missed One Yesterday

Did you miss me yesterday?  Well, after waking up and seeing the coverage on the earthquake/tsunami in Japan, I just didn't feel like posting my usual snarky comments.  It felt pretty petty.

I'm thinking of the people of Japan and my heart goes out to them.

My Punch in the Throat is for anyone who doesn't send money to Japan to help with the relief.  Here is where you can help.

I'll be back tomorrow in my usual form!

Actresses from the Jennifer Love Hewitt School of Acting

 2.  Actresses from the Jennifer Love Hewitt School of Acting.  These are young to youngish women in Hollywood who all fall into one category in my mind.  They're all usually dark haired, small build and slightly anemic looking.  Think Jennifer Love Hewitt (of course), Neve Campbell, Rachel McAdams and now Kristen Stewart.  Kristen has been studying heavily with JLH and is graduating with honors and single handedly ruining the entire Twilight series.  JLH really perfected this acting style back in her Party of Five days and she's inspired a whole new group.  It's really the only legacy she's got so I guess she's got to milk it for what it's worth.

The whole trick is to make sure the hands are always covered by some fitted sweater or shirt that has ridiculously over-long sleeves so that only the finger tips emerge.  There's a lot of talking with the hands bunched up inside these sleeves and the girl just looks SO vulnerable and petite with these enormous sleeves, the men just can't help but scoop them up and save them.  The real hard part though is to always squint the eyes and look confused.  They're always going "But....but....but....I just don't understand.  I mean, how could you do that to me?  Y' us?"

There are tons of talented actresses out there losing perfectly good roles to these wastes of space.

Hoda & Kathie Lee

This morning I did not get the channel switched fast enough and I had to endure 30 seconds of these two nimrods laughing like hyenas.  I said to my husband, "Wow, I really want to punch those two idiots in the throat. I should start a blog and just make a list of people I want to punch in the throat."  He replied, "I'd read that."  So here I am.

1.  Hoda & Kathie Lee - just for being drunk (or maybe even pretending they're drunk because they think it's funnier) at 10 am.  KL has been on my short list for a long time ever since she was with Rege.  Who would have guessed that precious little Cody would have grown up to be a guest movie reviewer on Mom's show?  That chick has balls.  No doubt.  WTH Hoda?  You used to be the normal one and then it's like you decided KL was getting all the attention so you'd better act drunk too.

Thanks, ladies for getting me started!  Stay tuned for tomorrow's lucky winner.

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