Victoria's Secret

Oh hell no! Victoria's Secret is out of control! Did you notice a few months ago when they did their big televised fashion show that they had Justin Bieber on there? At first it was like, Ew. What's that little girl doing on stage singing Justin Bieber songs? Isn't that kind of weird? And then I realized it was the Biebs and I thought it was still strange to have him there, because he's like barely legal. I guess maybe that's why Victoria's Secret went with an obvious homage to CandyLand. Maybe they thought it would make him feel more comfortable?

Well, now it's clear why they invited the Biebs to come. Vicky's Secret has decided that they'd like to launch a line of bras and undies aimed at the middle school crowd. Y'know, the girls trying to attract Bieber's attention. OK, actually, VS says they are aiming their marketing dollars at high school girls. (But if they catch some middle schoolers in their nets, so be it, right?) I'm sure Biebs signed on, because he's tired of getting hit on stage with cotton full-coverage panties printed with the days of the week on them.

Victoria's Secret can say all they want about how they're trying to get these products out to 16-year-olds, but I'm not buying it. And even if they were, from what I've seen, this crap isn't even appropriate for a 30-year-old.

Of course, I think the middle schoolers would like more choices than rainbows and My Little Ponies, but this is the same company that enjoys branding our daughter's slouchy sweatpants with the PINK logo across their asses. Why am I not reassured that their bras and panties for young girls are going to be any better than this shit?

Oh I know what's better: a lace trimmed thong with the words "Call Me" emblazoned across her cooch. Are you fucking kidding me?? For my kid? Sorry, kid. Looks like it's cotton grannies with unicorns and snowflakes for you still.

As much as I'd like to, I really can't blame Victoria's Secret though. That's just what they do. They're in the business to make money and find more and more consumers for their cheeksters and thongs - even if their new consumers barely have enough cheeks yet to fill them. I blame the parents of the young girls who are buying this shit. Where are the parents when these girls are buying "Wild" panties? Updating their Facebook status? ("Shopping for some new undies for Ahlyssah. Cheetah print thong or zebra cheeksters. Decisions, decisions! She's growing up so fast!") Or are the moms getting a matching pair too? ("Call Me" for Kassidee and "Wild" for Mommy.)

WTF, young ladies?? No self-respecting young woman should have "I Dare You" on her ass. (Or is that the front? Who can tell??) What exactly are you daring us to do? What about "Too Hot" on her crotch? That sounds like a medical condition you should get checked out, because it's definitely not the amount of material in those panties that's making you hot.

I could rant and rave all day long about this, but instead, I'll let Baby Sideburns do the talking for me, she sums up my feelings perfectly:

I am so tired of manufacturers making products that make my daughter look like a skank. Why do parents keep buying this stuff? It is hard enough raising a daughter in this world without hooker heels for elementary school girls and padded bras for middle schoolers and thongs that say "Feeling Lucky" for high schoolers. We don't do it to our sons. There isn't a marble sack we can buy for him that says "Text Me" or boxer briefs that say "Up For Fun."

Ugh. These manufacturers get bolder every year. By the time Adolpha is in high school, I'm guessing Victoria's Secret will have panties that say, "Poke Me."

New Zealand Mum Who Left Her Baby in the Car

Did you hear about the mother in New Zealand who left her sleeping newborn alone in the car while she ran errands? Yeah. She really did that. She left a note on the baby's chest that said"My mum's in doing the shopping, call her if I need anything," (it also listed the mom's cell number). Several people noticed the baby snoozing in the car and rather than calling the police, they waited a bit and when the mother didn't return right away, they called her and told her to come back.

Apparently they felt sorry for the mom and thought she must have made a bad decision due to her exhaustion from having a newborn.

Umm ... wow. Really?

Hey, I don't even have a newborn and I'm tired, but as much as I would love a break, I still can't leave my kids locked in the car with a note (written all cutesy from their perspective) while I take my time browsing the aisles of Target. Actually, my kids are old enough to write that note for me and I still can't leave them alone. Nope, I have to drag my kids into the store and subject everyone around us to their whines for food and their pleas for toys. If I'm not in the mood to tackle shopping with and extra 90 lbs of annoying kids hanging on me, then I pawn them off on the Hubs. I plan my shopping for when he's home and he can watch them. I call my mom or a friend and ask them to keep them for a bit. I don't tape a note to the window of my car that says, "We ate everything in the house and so our mom is getting the groceries. Please call her if you see that she didn't crack the window enough or if we're being stolen by a creeper. Thanks!"

WTH, lady?? Even though I'm wiped out, I always make sure that my kids are safe. That's what parents do. We signed up for this. We chose this life. We're all tired and we're all begging for a moment of peace and quiet, but we know it can't be at the expense of our kids' safety. We are responsible for these little people. We're raising human beings, not puppies! When you go out, you can't leave them locked in the car, or home in a crate. You can't feed them scraps from the table, or tie them to a tree when they pee on your floor or chew something up.

I don't think for a minute this woman did this because she was exhausted or whatever. That note is way too cute to be written in a moment of desperation. It's almost like something totes adorbs she found on Pinterest. No, a worn out mom would have written, "Need milk. Baby's asleep. You wake it, you take it."

Nah, I'm not buying it. She just didn't want to lug that giant baby carrier and all the other crap a baby requires around the store.

I'm not saying this mom ranks up with there with the mom who abandoned her kid in the cart after she ran from security when she tried to steal a bathing suit from Wal-Mart and then was caught later that night partying at a night club while her kid was in emergency foster care. That mom is a terrible mom. This mom is just a dumb one who was lucky I didn't see her kid in the car.

Weekly Wrap Up 3.24.13

I'm suffering from deja vu. In February we had a long break from school and then just when it was time to go back BAM! we got hit with a snowstorm and the kids had a bunch more days off from school. This week was Spring Break. The kids are supposed to go back to school tomorrow. Guess what came last night?? Yup. Lots and lots of snow and still more on the way. I did not get enough milk!

I know, I know. For those of you in Minnesota and Upstate New York and Canada and Russia, this seems silly, but this is Kansas. We don't do a whole lot of snow. We do tornadoes.

This week I received an email from someone claiming to be my friend who had a little "constructive criticism" for me. Then she went on for several paragraphs about how I'm "losing her," because I've become a shameless self promoter who talks about nothing except my books and that my posts are getting dark because I blogged so much about my phobias this week. And, oh yeah, my blog is ugly and it would be great if I could take all of that book money I'm earning and redesign it so it's pretty to look at. And she ended it with the fact that I could "take" or "leave" her advice, because she was "just sayin'." Ugh. Just sayin' is the absolute worst.

When I read this email, I went through a range of emotions. The first was, "Are you for real?" to "Wow, that was harsh and a bit undeserved" to "OK, really? Now, I'm just irritated."

I'm irritated, because this is not how a "friend" acts. This kind of behavior is exactly the sort of rudeness I rail against. We are not "friends" if you tell me I suck. This is not what a friend does. A friend supports another friend - even when you think I suck. A friend would send me an email that said:

Hey Jen, congratulations on your new book. Wow. A best seller in less than two weeks, huh? Fucking amazing. I'm so happy for you and so proud of what you and your friends have accomplished. This just proves to me that when women get together and support one another they can really do anything! I can't wait to get my copy and share the word with my friends who could use a good laugh. Also, I was wondering. Is everything OK with you lately? It seems like that trip to St. Louis kind of screwed with you. Who knew you were so afraid of small, dark spaces? If you need to talk, I'm here for you. I know your birthday and your two year blogging anniversary are coming up and I was wondering if you had anything special planned for the blog? Wouldn't it be cool if you did a whole re-design of it? I have lots of friends who are affordable web designers that could probably help you if you ever decided to change it. Just let me know. That's what friends are for!

See how much better that was? That's how you treat a friend. You don't tell a friend, "Your ass looks big in those leggings, just sayin'." Because that is basically what this person did. No. You say, "Hey friend, I loved how great your ass looked the other day when you wore those cute jeans. Why don't you wear those tonight instead of those leggings?"

I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I enjoy writing on my crappy looking blog (I think that the fact that it's ugly is part of its charm). I write about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it's small, dark passages in a kids' "museum," sometimes it's celebrities who eat their own placentas, sometimes it's men who want to control my reproductive rights, sometimes it's overachievers ruining Valentine's Day, and sometimes it's me being an idiot. I will continue to write on this blog about whatever catches my eye and I will continue to write books.

I try to walk a very fine line between tooting my own horn and looking like an asshole, but let's face it, I'm kind of an asshole. I have been from day one. I've never tried to pretend like I'm not. If I don't promote myself, who will? I've never been a humble bragger. I am just straight up braggadocious. And you know what? I'm excited! I have had two books now that have been best sellers. That's a big damn deal to someone who is trying to call herself a writer. Of course I'm going to talk about them! Why wouldn't I? Anyone would. I wonder if this woman has a best selling book? Just sayin'.

Now. Let's forget her and move on to some more shameless self promotion to really piss her off:

If you live in the Kansas City area then you have two opportunities to come out and see me! I've created two Events on the Facebook page where you can RSVP and get the details.

Book Signing at Mommy Shop - April 27 from 10 am to 12 pm I will be signing copies of I Just Want to Pee Alone at the Mommy Shop in Overland Park with my Bic Lady Pen. I will be joined by my co-authors, Tara of You Know it Happens at Your House Too and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs. Mommy Shop is putting on a bit of a to-do. They'll have mimosas and muffins and swag bags if you're one of the first to arrive. Please come and see us so that we're not sitting there all alone getting drunk on all of those mimosas. Please RSVP so we know how many to expect.

Listen to Your Mother - May 11 from 7 pm to 9 pm I will be appearing live and on stage at the Unity Temple on the Plaza in a fancy new pair of Crocs. There are several writers who will be reading that night and I'm not sure what they have in store, but I will be reading something hilarious and funny, so be sure to wear your Depends. I will be terrified, so I'll probably wear Depends too, just in case. I'm also thinking that if there is any interest, I'll plan an after the performance get together on the Plaza. Like another Friend's Night thing. You can buy your tickets to LTYM here.

I Just Want to Pee Alone is still available for sale (nope, I didn't stop selling it after my friend told me I talked about it too much). Do you have your copy yet? Still on the fence? Here are a couple of reviews to check out to help you make up your mind:

Crappy Pictures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

The Sweet Chick's book review

And this happened this week:

I met The Bloggess and gushed like a freaking fan girl. I practically cried. I waited for three hours to get her signature (but it was fine, because I was kid-free and I brought a book to read - bliss). She is a rock star and an inspiration to funny women everywhere. I also managed to slip a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone into her hands for a little light reading for her plane ride home.

Top Read Posts This Week:

This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us - I can't decide if this place is fun or a torture chamber.

Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch - The next time a troll tells me I don't love my kids, I will refer them to this post.

Why I Don't Want Another Baby - I love babies, but I love them more when they're someone else's.

Companies Who Think Women are Dolts - First there were lady pens and now toy companies think women don't know how to play with cars.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

I went up with me husband, our 4 month old, and some random other couple. We JUST get in and my son messes his diaper- big time, to this day it was still the worst diaper blowout ever. Trapped in a hubs says oh gonna change him? How is that going to work, we are shoved in here T2A with complete strangers...excuse me we haven't met, is it okay if I stretch my sons poop smeared legs across your lap while I clean him up? Oh no? We sat there in silence as we SLOWWWWLY crept up the arch and the smell crept crept up our nostrils. When the door opened the other couple busted out of there like there was a fire. Welcome to St. Louis ya'll! on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

I think that you've got the theme for your next book started! "Move Over - I Think I'm Gonna Hurl!: Stories of Family Trips in America" Should be a best seller, based on this start! on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

You know when you look out those windows on the way up and there is that rickety staircase just in case of power failure or whatever? Well, about 20 years ago, I had to get OUT of one of those stupid cars about 2/3 of the way up and WALK DOWN. I was sure that I was going to die - fireman help or not. (Power outage - they let us out after nearly 45 minutes of sitting there in the dark). Never. ever. again. on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

That sounds like a place I could say to my husband - "Hey - I heard about this awesome thing in St. Louis. Maybe you and the little man should have a guys' weekend." Then I would do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hmmmmm on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

While I can relate to the phobia's, I LOVE the City Museum and so do my kids. It is one of the coolest places in the world. You will never see anything like it again. And please tell me you found 10 story slide...and the bar. You know they sell booze there, right?!? on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

Sadly, I did not know this. This is why they need a damn map!!

Jesus, sounds and looks like something from the set of "Escape From New York." on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

Thanks for the review, now I know where to take my husband when I'm ready for him to die. That would definitely kill him "naturally." on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

It doesn't come pre-loaded with the Period Tracker app? Assholes. And, if I had been invited to the Hot Wheels Training Whateverthefeck Thing, I would've just sat there, running the cars into my head and asking them why they have to make things so complicated. Assholes. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

If I had been a blogger and been invited, I might have gone. Just to embarrass them (and myself, probably). I'd have the car wheels-up, then look to the closest man "Mine's broken. Could a big strong man like you help widdle biddy ol' me? What? Those round things go on the ground? That's so smart. Are you a doctor?" on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

Barbara the Builder! She would have a spatula and a glue gun. Also a mirror b/c a lady should look her best. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

I would love to get down on the floor with little Nathan Jr. to play vroom vroom but I'm wearing my ePad Femme. It's highly absorbent but makes it hard to sit down. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

Oh man! Her Wheelz? Don't just give away those golden ideas for nuttin' yo! that shit is brilliant! onCompanies Who Think Women are Dolts 

The trademark is in the works!

Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

As if crawling through small, dark spaces wasn't enough, the next day of our St. Louis Spring Break Extravaganza was spent touring the Arch.

What is the deal with St. Louis and tiny spaces?!

I remember touring the Arch when I was probably 10 or so. My family was doing that whole Griswold drive across America thing and we stopped at the Arch. That was when I first realized that I'm a bit claustrophobic. I can ride in a crowded elevator no problem, but put me in a space-aged pod that I can't even stand up in and send me up sideways to the top of the Arch and I just might freak the hell out.

I was so traumatized by that trip that when the Hubs suggested we take the kids up to the top of the Arch this weekend, I refused to go. "Hell no!" I said.

He reminded me that the day before he had graciously wedged himself into biohazard areas while I remained a safe distance at all times. "You owe me," he said. "I can't do that one by myself."

That's when I wished the Hubs was a doctor and could write me a 'script for Xanax. I don't take drugs, but I think Xanax or Valium would have been a tremendous help on our trip. Instead, I gulped down a Power Bar and psyched myself up for a 2 minute ride in a tin can.

I have to say, that in the 30 years since I last visited the Arch, they've done some improvements for the scaredy-cats like myself. There is now an elevator car in the lobby that you can climb into and see how you'll fit. (We all tried it out and even with our heavy winter coats it was still roomy - thank goodness, I've been working out!) They've added glass panels to the doors so that can see out. This doesn't sound like much, but it's so much more reassuring when you're bumping along to see the bend of the Arch and know that's why you're swinging and clunking. They've painted the interior white. I'm not sure what color it was before, for some reason I want to say yellow, but whatever it was, I remember feeling closed in. The white helps it feel much more open.

We bought our tickets and we were waiting on line when I almost puked from terror. I had been doing so well up until that point. The kids and I were exploring the museum part and reading the want ads from the 1800s for cattle wranglers and solicitors when the elevators arrived. We were reminded to stay to the right so the people exiting could get off. We moved over and the doors opened and a woman who was not a small woman burst through the opening and exclaimed, "Oh my God that was tight! Get me outta here." I thought, Hmm, she's a little bigger than me. Was it really that bad? And then four more adults who were bigger than her exited the car behind her!

Who loads up a car like that?? What is wrong with the people who work at the Arch?? I could feel my Power Bar threatening to come back up.

Just then a worker came up to us and asked how many were in our party. "Four," the Hubs replied.

"The car holds five," she replied and then called out, "Any singles? Any single riders?"

Shut up, woman!! Shut up!! We practiced getting into the elevator with the four of us, we never planned for a fifth! Shut up!

Luckily most people were in twos so we were able to ride up just the four us. Because the kids are still so small, we fit pretty well and it wasn't so bad.

Then we got to the top. Crap. I'd forgotten about the top. How hot and stale it is up there. How crowded it is and itsy bitsy windows. I'd forgotten how the floor is on a slant and you can feel the monument swaying in the wind.

The Hubs went off on his own to look out the windows and take pictures while the kids and I sort of hovered near the exit with wild eyes. I could see that my fear was being projected on them and I couldn't scar them for life the same way I'd been scarred. "Let's look out a window!" I said, trying to sound excited. "I bet we can see far!" The kids calmed down and I pushed my Power Bar back into my stomach and we looked out the windows. After ten minutes of looking out windows and feeling the breeze move us, the kids and I were ready to go back down. The Hubs wanted to stay longer and take more pictures (he is Asian, after all). "Suit yourself, we'll see you at the bottom!" I yelled as I herded the kids to the elevators.

"How many?" the attendant asked.

"Three," I said.

"Go down to that elevator and join that party of two," she said.

I looked to where she was pointing. Two full sized adults looking to gobble my air supply and encroach into my personal area. They sized me up with equal apprehension. "Uhhh. . . we'd like to be in our own car," I said.

"Sorry, ma'am. We're very full up here and we need to keep the elevators full doing down."

"OK," I said. We joined the party of two.

Suddenly, the Hubs saved me. "Ma'am, you didn't tell me there was fourth," the attendant said. The Hubs was standing beside her.

"Yes! My husband!"

"OK, well now you get your own elevator."

"Thank you, Hubs!" I said to him.

"I didn't want you to go alone," he said.

Aww. The Hubs loves me even when I'm crazy. (OK, now I really am going to throw up that Power Bar!)

This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

This week is Spring Break. We didn't plan to go anywhere this year. I thought we could stay home and relax and just hang out without the pressures of packing and traveling. It seemed like a good idea the first day. By the second day, I was begging the Hubs to take us somewhere - anywhere. 

I had some criteria though:
  1. Less than a 5 hour drive (I go batty on road trips and we couldn't afford to fly anywhere since I didn't get my act together.)
  2. Someplace with kid-friendly activities.
  3. A hotel with a separate bedroom for the kids, free wifi, free breakfast, and an indoor pool.
The Hubs came back with the following:

St. Louis – just a few hours down the road. The kids had never been and from what he could find online, there seemed to be a lot of stuff for them to do. He searched for a hotel and came back with one that met one out of my four criteria: indoor pool. “But it's a such a good deal!” he argued. Uh huh. With the Hubs he always sacrifices my wants for the sake of the "good deal."

It was the Hilton next to the airport and Gomer couldn't have been happier. He thought this was the “fanciest” hotel he's ever been in because it had a piano bar in the lobby with a real live person playing the piano. (He's used to staying in those places with the do-it-yourself waffle maker and all the Nutrigrain bars you can steal in the lobby.) Also he was thrilled to be so close to airplanes. “Look at that one! It's landing right beside us!” Apparently, I need to take my kid to the airport a bit more often.

After an uneventful drive (thank goodness) we headed to the City Museum. Whenever I mentioned to friends we were going to St. Louis, everyone said, “You must go to the City Museum. But . . .”

But what?

“It's a little . . . crazy,” they'd say. “You have to be able to let go.”

“Let go?” I'd ask.

“You'll see. It's not for everyone.”

I'd seen a few pictures online and I knew there was a huge outdoor playscape that the kids could climb through. Maybe they meant that. It didn't seem that bad in the pictures.

When we finally arrived and I got up close and personal with the playscape, I took a closer look at what my children were going to climb through.

Oh. My. God.

Miles of rebar, metal fencing, platforms, and salvaged shards of iron welded together to form a giant human hamster run with some sharp, rusted edges, and spots that were so small, they literally had to slide through on their backs in a few places. That was just the outside. The inside was 600,000 square feet and had much of the same, only the runs disappeared into the walls and ceilings and suddenly my kids would pop up out of the floor – literally. It was insane.

I'm not quite sure why this place is called a "museum," because there isn't much there except human ant colonies. There are no maps ("Just explore!" ie, get lost). There are no signs (it took me 10 minutes to find a freaking bathroom). There are very few official looking people who look like they might be in charge.

My kids had a blast and I slowly went crazy. I've said before that I'm not a helicopter parent, but holy shit, this place was terrifying. I would put my child down a rabbit hole and have no idea where he was going to pop back out. I watched kids (and adults) crawl through cages and all I could think about was, Where are the fire exits and how would I get my kids out of here if I had to? The only thing that reassured me was that almost everything was made of metal or concrete, so there wasn't much that would burn, but still.

Adolpha was a genius at finding hidden holes and disappearing underground before I could tell her I loved her one more time.

When you arrive at the Museum, you get a wristband that says something to the effect that they are not responsible for any injuries or your death and oh by the way, please put a phone number on here where we can reach you in the event that your child gets lost. The Hubs had to stop me from putting three phone numbers on their bracelets.

As soon as we walked in the door, the kids found a little hole to disappear down. The Hubs followed them. I took five steps into the pitch black and the quickly narrowing tunnel and I started to have a panic attack. Or at least I think it was a panic attack. I don't know. I've never actually had one. I'm not one to get nervous by much, but small, dark spaces or high, wide open spaces pretty much do me in. I yelled into the tunnel, “I can't do it, Hubs! I'll see you guys at the end!” and I backtracked before more people came along and wedged me in there.

Yup. I bailed on the Hubs. It was like Sophie's Choice, only there wasn't a choice. I sacrificed the Hubs. I figured he'd be better without me freaking out. 

I wandered around for a while trying to find the end of the tunnel they went down. Finally, I asked a worker where they'd pop out. She told me it might be the second or the third floor, she couldn't remember. I went up to the third floor and found two excited kids and a slightly woozy Hubs. "That was rough," he exclaimed. "It's a good thing you backed out when you did. I tried a few times, but I had people right behind me. Twice I got stuck and I wasn't sure I'd ever make it out! Oh my God, Jen!"

Oh my God is right. I think I would probably still be stuck in a dark hole somewhere in the bowels of that building if I'd gone down the hole with them. I can't imagine going to that museum if you had any sort of phobias, because this place has something for everyone:

Afraid of crowds? This place is jam-packed with people and there is no place you can go to find a quiet spot for yourself.

Afraid of losing your kids? Send them down a chute and then try to figure out where they'll pop out.

Afraid of small spaces? Crawl through this hole under the floor that warns you it gets down to only 18 inches wide.

Afraid of the dark? Jump on this pitch black slide.

Afraid of heights? Climb out on the wing of this reclaimed airplane that's several stories above the concrete ground.

Those are my kids crawling through rebar tunnels 4 stories off the ground!
Just throw a few snakes and rats down those holes and I think that will cover every fear a person might have!

This is the greatest museum ever and we can't wait to go back again when the roof deck is open this summer. Yeah, you can climb through more twisted metal on the roof - just make sure your tetanus shots are up to date!

You're Going to Want this Shit

So today is a day of catching you up on all sorts of fun things that have been going on around here. I'll just warn you right now, there is a lot of bragging going on and it ain't humble, so put on your waders so you can get through this.

OK, here we go:

1. I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm in a new book. We're kind of a big deal (in our own minds at least) and according to Amazon. Check this out:

That's not even Photoshopped! That's for real! Now, don't ask me what my house looks like this week or if my children have eaten anything besides Pirate Booty and protein bars, and I might not have showered since Monday, but I can't remember. Who cares? We're number one!!

Did you get a copy yet? You can do it here. Have you left me a review? I neeeed those. They make me feel pretty. Please think about stroking my hair in the form of a review. If you need an idea of what to say, this is a good example:

5.0 out of 5 stars Laughed so hard I peed!March 14, 2013
This review is from: I Just Want to Pee Alone (Kindle Edition)
Hilarious, real accounts of the wondrous ride called motherhood!! The stories in the book capture the moments that are hilarious in retrospect, but at the time drove even the best mommy to drink so as not to do or say anything they'd regret! It's so wonderful to read about other moms going through the same experiences as you and handling it with humor and realism!

2. I've been nominated for a Bloggie Award. These are really important to bloggers, because they give you a house or something. Oh wait, they don't. Money? Yup. I get lots of money if I win!! Oh wait, if I win this sucker I get $20.13 in pennies.

But! I also get a huge boost to my ego and an enormous sense of personal satisfaction and I can tell that girl who picked on me in third grade to "Suck it." The voting is kind of intense, but luckily, my friend Crappy Pictures has a whole easy to follow along illustrated post to show you how to vote. Please check it out and then vote for me for WEBLOG OF THE YEAR (imagine that with the whole echo-effect) and then vote for Crappy for BEST PARENTING OR FAMILY WEBLOG. If I win, then I can use the money buy Crappy's new book.

3. I've been chosen to join the cast of Listen to Your Mother Kansas City, because I'm bossy. I will be appearing live and on stage (ack, I just threw up thinking about it) reading something really funny. Please come and see me so I'm not reading to an empty room. Here are the deets:

Listen to Your Mother Kansas City
Saturday, May 11, 2013
7-9 PM
Unity Temple the Plaza
The show is PG-13 (duh, 'cause I'll be there) so leave the little ones at home.

Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 the day of and 10% of ticket proceeds benefit the Rose Brooks Center. I am working for free. You can buy your tickets here.

If you're unfamiliar with what Listen to Your Mother is, you can read all about it here. There will be performances in many other cities, so check out your local show.

4. I am getting ready to get my read on!! I love this time of year, because it seems like everyone and their mother has a book coming out in March or April. This year I am crazy excited, because so many of my friends have books coming out. Yeah, I'm totally going to be able to brag to everyone I know that these soon-to-be best selling authors are my "friends."

Don't be jelly. These girls are bitchin (I totally think "bitchin" needs to come back and I'm making sure it does) and they can be your friends too. All you have to do is buy their books, leave them a fabulous review on Amazon, and then follow their blogs and then through the magical powers of the Internet they're your bitchin friends too!

So, go grab these books. They haven't dropped yet, but they're all available on pre-order:

Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind by Nicole Knepper (Moms Who Drink and Swear blog)

Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) by Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy blog)

Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick (Crappy Pictures blog)

Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

This week it has been brought to my attention that more and more companies think women are morons. It started with that stupid Bic for Her pen that comes in the adorable feminine colors: pink and purple and without a cap, because women just lose pen caps all day long.

Today I've heard about two different companies that are making a name for themselves by treating us like idiots.

The Anthology Tina Fey Wishes She Was a Part Of

So, have you heard the news yet? I'm part of a best-selling anthology! That's right, I Just Want to Pee Alone hit number one this weekend on Amazon! (In our category, not ALL of Amazon. But we're number 17 in the whole Humor category. That's pretty cool, right?)

The book hit number two on iTunes - only the Colonel herself, Ms. Tina Fey, stood in our way. To be quite honest, I liked being in her presence. I'll probably never get that close to her again.

However, I'm hoping that when I Just Want to Pee Alone rips first place from her soon, she calls her agent and has a conversation:

Tina: What just happened? Who are these Pee Alone people?

Agent: It's that crazy woman, Jen, who says she's your best friend. She's brought like 30 more people to stalk you now.

Tina: What the hell?

Agent: I know. She's a bit relentless. But . . .

Tina: But what?

Agent: Well, I read this book and Tina, I gotta tell you. I'm really disappointed that we didn't get you in it. These are your people.

Tina: Really??

Agent: Yes! Funny, irreverent moms who like to laugh at everything, including themselves. And I'm not going to lie. I even cried once or twice. This book has it all.

Tina: Really??

Agent: Yes! These women just put it out there and have so much fun doing it. Does that sound like anyone we know?

Tina: Crap. I should have been in this book!

Agent: And besides Jen, there are so many of my other favorite bloggers in this book.

Tina: I didn't realize you were such a fan of bloggers.

Agent: Oh yeah, I was following RachRiot back when she was just a prolific and hilarious commenter. I love watching Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva rollerskating in her unitard. Let Me Start By Saying has the best interviews. And I was so excited to see Honest Mom on the Katie Couric show last week.

Tina: Ugh. Was she quoting Madeleine Albright's theory on hell again?

Agent: No. I don't think so.

Tina: Hmm . . . OK. Well, it sounds like you're awfully busy with your reading. When do you get any work done for me?

Agent: I know it seems that way, but it really isn't hard to keep up with these ladies when you subscribe to them all. Look Tina, we missed the boat on this one, but we'll for sure get you in the next one. In the meantime, let's help them sell the hell out of this book.

Tina: You know what? You're right. I used to be a little afraid of Jen, but she's not so bad. Plus, Kansas is really far away from me. So, it's not like she'll knock on my door and thank me for helping her out. Right???

Agent: Definitely not. She totally respects boundaries - and restraining orders.

Tina: Great! Then let's do it! I'm going to call Poehler and see what we can do for Jen and this book! I'm on it!

In case Tina doesn't get the word out right away, I'll help you find your own copy.



APPLE Buy it at iTunes.

NOOK - B&N is taking its sweet time. In the meantime, you can get it from Smashwords. Just follow the instructions for NOOK. CLICK HERE.


Want to know who's in this book? I stole this list from Baby Sideburns. She says this list is "arranged in a half-assed pyramid so as not to show favoritism to anyone." Works for me!  Kick Ass Contributors to I Just Want to Pee Alone:



Ninja Mom

Honest Mom

Naps Happen
My Real Life
Frugalista Blog

Baby Sideburns

Funny is Family

My Life and Kids

Mom's New Stage

Toulouse & Tonic

Random Handprints
Nurse Mommy Laughs

Suburban Snapshots

Four Plus an Angel

The Dose of Reality

Kelley's Break Room
The Mom of the Year

Life on Peanut Layne

Hollow Tree Ventures

The Fordeville Diaries
Binkies and Briefcases

Let Me Start By Saying

Bad Parenting Moments

Insane in the Mom Brain

Rants From Mommyland

You're My Favorite Today

Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

You Know it Happens at Your House Too

I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping

The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

PS - Hey Tina, I've got connections and if you want to see your name on this half-assed pyramid I can totally make that happen. Call me, girl!

Weekly Wrap Up 3.8.23

This week was a big week around here. The kids went to school for an entire week!!! The snow is melting!!! The sun has been shining!!! I don't want to jinx it, but it looks like spring might actually come to Kansas (sorry East Coasters, looks like you have to wait a bit still).

I've been nominated for another award this week. This one is really cool: "WEBLOG OF THE YEAR!" That one sounds pretty amazing, right? You want to tell your family and friends that you read the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR, don't you? Well, I can't be the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR if you don't go and vote for me. Good news is, you can only vote for me once, so I won't remind you every day to vote. The bad news is, they want deets from you like an email address so you can verify who you are, blah, blah, blah. It takes 30 seconds more, but it's so worth it. You can vote for me here. Thank you!

Oh yeah, do you need a new book to read? Because I Just Want to Pee Alone is available. Boom. It's already Number One on Amazon. It's hilarious and a must have for every mom on your list. However, just like me, this book is definitely R-rated. Check it out here.

Here's a tidbit for ya:

Top Read Posts This Week:

Open Letter to Marissa Mayer - Marissa Mayer is the new CEO at Yahoo and she is laying down the law. I'm thinking about getting a job at Yahoo, because I'm running low on highlighters. Mmm . . . free office supplies.

Taylor Swift - Oh no she didn't!! T-Swift drank some crazy lavender lemonade and then said my BFF Tina Fey was going to hell. Taylor needs to get the stick out of her ass. Meanwhile, Swifty just sold the house she bought on the Kennedy compound for a million dollar profit. Damn! Maybe she can buy a sense of humor with that money! 

Life is Hard When You're Six - Adolpha let me know that it's not all rainbows and puppies when you're six.

Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition - I think I've been living under a rock for several years and didn't realize that this issue doesn't really include sports or athletes. WTF?

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):

There are so many things wrong with Taylor Swift right now. First of all, she's offended by what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler said about her? But, she was all forgiving when Kayne West slammed her for her shitty music? (his words - sort of, not mine). Secondly, Taylor Swift dates high profile douche bags. My guess is she's a virgin and when these guys can't get in her panties they give her the boot. The fix? Stop dating actors and musicians who can bed any girl they want. Duh. on Taylor Swift

Oh, T. Swizzle... Here's the thing: Smart women don't help dumb women just because they both have a vaginas. Tina and Amy did you a fucking favor by even breathing your name that night. Get over it and stop embarrassing yourself. p.s. Can't wait to sit at the cool table in Hell! Fuck yeah! on Taylor Swift

I use to hold your Elf on the Shelf post as the gold standard of bat s@$t crazy, funny post, but I think this one now has the slight edge. I also have put in a reservation for the circle of hell where Tina and Amy (and now you) could potentially reside. Harps and clouds are overrated. on Taylor Swift

I will stand behind Swift dating a bunch. Remember where we were 20 years ago? DATING A TON OF GUYS. Most were douche bags. It's the joy (not) of being a girl in your 20's. But Taylor Swift, if I can give you a piece of motherly advice. Thou shall not ever take aim at Tina and Amy. Not in Vanity Fair drinking lavender lemonade. Not on Twitter. Not ever. You call them. Apologize. Send a nice gift basket. Preferably something that includes chocolate. These women have kids and chocolate will sell like gangbusters. That's what you do. on Taylor Swift 

I obviously am one of those who lives in a cave, cos I MISSED this one. First of all, as a 40-some odd mum from Canada who's heart was broken when Michael J Fox married a Yank - I'd like to say Alex P Keaton Jr is MINE!!!! So.....paws off MS Swift!!!! You're not ruining this man. But let me get this straight, she can date who-ever she wants. Tell the world they are jerks because they dump her. Write songs about them and make millions. Poke fun at others. But no one's allowed to poke fun at her? Grow.The.F.Up!!!!!!! on Taylor Swift

The list of indignities is unending! I think I'll stick with being thirty-mumble. on Life is Hard When You're Six

Yeah, a life watching cartoons and having people do stuff for you is such a difficult burden to bear. As my 8-yo says "I need another assistant, besides you." Thanks a *bleeping* lot, kid. on Life is Hard When You're Six

"Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place." My (almost) six year old daughter informed me that she doesn't like my clothes because they are boring. She thinks I should incorporate sequins into every outfit. Apparently, she thinks I would look better if I looked like I was dressed like I was ready to club it up at Studio 54 in 1970s. on Life is Hard When You're Six

In 10 years, this post will be SO embarrassing! OMG MOM! In 20 years, you'll sit down with a glass of wine together and laugh and laugh and laugh. on Life is Hard When You're Six

They should make a movie of Adolpha's life... maybe a "Triumph Of The Human Spirit" kinda thing. Call Meryl Streep! What? She can *definitely* play a six-year-old-- the woman is amazing. on Life is Hard When You're Six

Being CEO of Yahoo may be like be the CEO of Blockbuster A point to ponder. on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer

Wait... what? Yahoo is still around... I thought they went belly up years ago! on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer

My problem with it is she is building a nursery next to her office, but is now telling other parents you need to find child care for your kids. It's not easy finding good affordable child care. These families now have commuter expenses. What if the family only had one car because one worked at home? on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer

She's built a nursery next to her office. My guess is she has a nanny that goes to work with her and the baby every day. She's achieved her mega-corp position not just from talent but also because she's been the person who is often most willing to put in the longest hours. The point is, she DOES work from home. It's just not from her house. on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer

Taylor Swift

This morning I woke up to find a brouhaha raging around my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler and the Queen of "Who Me?" Taylor Swift.

OK, so here's the low down in case you were busy watching the news this morning where they talked about Hugo Chavez, snow storms, and those idiots in D.C. For some reason many of the news organizations did not lead in with the Tina-Amy-Taylor throw down. Shocking, I know!

A little back story for you: so, Tina and Amy did a ridiculously great job hosting the Golden Globes last month. Also attending was Michael J. Fox's adorable mini (but actually bigger) me son. He was Mr. Golden Globe or something dumb like that. Regardless of his title, he was on stage a lot of the night looking very Alex P. Keaton in a tuxedo and I think every girl who grew up in the 80s was sighing a little every time he came on the screen.

At one point in the night Tina and Amy realized that Mr. Golden Globe was just the type of guy Taylor Swift would like to get her manicured nails into, so she could love him so hard, and then he'd be forced to dump her painfully and awkwardly, and then she could turn around and write a best-selling song about him and let the world know what an asshole Alex P. Keaton 2013 really is. In order to keep her from ruining this fresh-faced young man, Tina and Amy took a shot at Taylor's insatiable lust for any pseudo-celebrity between the ages of 17 and 38 with floppy hair, boyish charm, and puppy dog eyes. They warned Taylor Swift to keep her grubby paws off the Little Fox.

No one thought much of this joke. This certainly wasn't the best joke of the night. (That was when they thanked Lena Dunham for thanking them for their hilarious roles that helped her get through middle school!) It certainly wasn't the meanest joke of the night. (That was about Zero Dark Thirty. Tina said, ". . . when it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.")

I say no one thought much of this joke, but apparently I was wrong. Taylor Swift did. Taylor has been ruminating on this put down for awhile now and she finally let Vanity Fair know that she thinks Tina and Amy are going to hell, because according to Taylor's BFF, Katie Couric, there is a "special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Whoa. That's a bit harsh. I would like to say, though, that if reservations are being accepted, I'd like to be in that particular circle of hell.

Are you keeping up with this girls gone wild cat fight? Basically Tina and Amy said, "Taylor stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and then Katie was all, "Girl, don't let haters bother you. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" and then Taylor was like, "I know! Right? Bitches" and then Tina was like, "You know what? Bitches get stuff done." Or it went something like that.

All I know is, Anne Hathaway must be kind of relieved right about now, because she was poised to take over Taylor's "Who Me?" crown and people were totally hating on her and her nipples and now she can just go back to being a nobody again, because I think she's too old to play Annie, which we all know is the next musical Hollywood will try and remake. [Update: I am totally psychic!]

OK, so back to Tina-Amy-Taylor. Here's the thing. I know this quote about women and hell, etc. I actually like this quote a lot. However, Taylor, you are off your fucking rocker. Tina and Amy are trying to help you. You are a hot mess. You jump from one pretty boy to the next. You probably have a secret Pinterest board where your whole wedding is planned and you just Photoshop new boys into the groom's spot. You date assholes and jerks and then wonder why you're so lonely. Shit, Taylor Lautner stood there like a statue while Kanye stole your thunder! That douchebag from One Direction is a playa. I'm a 40-year-old mom in the Midwest and even I know that much about him! Open your eyes!

I'm not saying Mr. Golden Globe is a jerk. I'm just saying the same thing Tina and Amy were saying, Slow the fuck down. You are 23 years old and you've dated more guys than most of the men in Hollywood! Watching your music videos is slightly disturbing when you realize that you've dated practically every single guy you've cast. Your casting couch is really getting a work out - and that's not even a euphemism!

How Taylor celebrates her "Almost 1 Week Anniversaries" with her boyfriends.
You're so desperate for love that over the summer you bought a house across the street from your 17-year-old boy toy's grandma. That relationship didn't work out for many reasons, but I'm guessing that at least one of the reasons was that when the summer was over he had to go back to high school! Plus, you kept dressing up like his dead great-aunt. Creepy! You are not Jackie O.

Just relax and enjoy your life. Stop trying to fill whatever void you have with a stud muffin, maybe even try a real muffin!

And another thing, Taylor. You're so full of shit. When you wrote a song about John Mayer dumping you and he cried about it, I wrote a post defending you. I stuck up for you and I told John to suck it up and stop whining so much. Well, now it's your turn. You can't have it both ways. You're being a hypocrite. You can't write about all these idiots that you date and make millions of dollars and then turn around and cry foul when some one talks shit on you.

You're so crazy you can't even see that Tina and Amy were trying to help you. They were warning you to chill out and stay away from yet another adorable boy who will have to break up with you via text message, because you bought the house next door, you're dressing like his mom, and you keep sending him pictures of what you think the kids you'll have together might look like.

Open Letter to Marissa Mayer

Dear Marissa Mayer,

Hey, it's me, Punchy. I've been meaning to write you a letter for a long time. I'm sorry it's so long overdue. I guess I just haven't been that motivated to write you since I'm home all day. Maybe if I was stuck in cubicle hell I'd be inspired to write to you.

Anyhoo, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I am finally getting it done!

First, let me start with the accolades. Congrats on the new Yahoo gig. What a great opportunity for you to set such a fine example for young girls like my daughter, Adolpha. I'm sure young women around the country are looking up to you as a hero. BTW, how amazing was it that you were hired as the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Plus all this happened while you were pregnant! Has that ever even been done before? (I'm sure at least one guy on the board thought you were just fat or something and didn't realize you were cooking a bun, am I right?)

Look, I know you got a little flack about your maternity leave. I get it. I do. You could not have won that argument. Everyone had their opinion on just how much maternity leave you were going to need. At one end of the argument, you had board members and shareholders who wanted you to birth your baby in the office during a conference call, and at the other end you had earth mommies everywhere demanding that you take at least six months to properly bond with your baby, eat your placenta, and heal your aching hooha. There was no way to appease everyone. You had to do what was right for you.

I must admit though, I really thought that two weeks was a bold statement. When you first announced you'd only take two weeks maternity leave, I thought, That's so cute that Marissa thinks she's only going to need two weeks. It's her first baby and she's so used to everything going her way, but babies throw even the strongest people for loops. I hope she's ready to take off at least a month. But nope, you proved me wrong and you were back in the executive suite within two weeks, just as promised. Kudos to you (and the robotics team who built you)!

I didn't hear much about you again for a while, until last week when you dropped the bomb on all of your Yahoo employees that they must come in to work and toil in a cube all day.

Marissa, girl, what are you thinking??

Come on, you really took that whole "there's a new sheriff in town" thing way too far. Remember, when I said earlier that you're like a hero to women in the workforce everywhere? Yeah, I take that back. You're Gordon Gecko's hero.

I'm not going to get all scientific on you, but did you know there are tons of studies out there that say that people are actually a lot more productive from their home offices?

Take me, for example. I am writing this on a Sunday afternoon. I'm not wearing pants. Seriously. OK, I have pajama bottoms on, but they're so pajama-y that I wouldn't even wear them to Wal-Mart. I've been taking breaks from writing this so I can throw in a load of laundry and help my kids with their homework. I will most likely finish this piece tonight from the comfort of my bed once my kids are tucked in.

If you told me I had to drag my ass into the office to write this, it would never get done. Because I suck at the office. Truly. Ask anyone who has ever been my boss. I'm that office worker who thinks "collaboration" means hanging out in the break room all day re-hashing last night's episode of Survivor. (“Hey, did you guys see Phillip running around the island in his pink panties again? The Hubs was all, 'Where do you even buy pink men's underwear?' Hey, do you guys know? Because I think it would be funny to get him a pair for his birthday.”) I'm always watching the clock and/or staring out the window. I steal office supplies. I can't get enough Bic for Her pens! Corporate attire (even Casual Friday) sucks the life out of me and literally makes me livid. I spend a ridiculous amount of time and money on Amazon and Ebay just to fight the boredom and break up my day with mail deliveries.

Mmmmmm . . . free office supplies.

After working from home for the last 10 years, I can't even imagine how pissed off I would be to hear that now I've got to suit up and chain myself to a desk again.

Your workers must hate you, Marissa. If they didn't hate you when you put down the law with your 1987 Baby Boom-esque work ethic, then they'll definitely hate you when the nursery you are installing next door to your office is done. I know, I know. You're paying for the nursery out of your own pocket. Yeah, you kind of have to. Only golf course memberships and strip clubs can go on the CEO expense reports. I really doubt that this will be a new work-life balance option for all your employees. If you did allow your employees to bring their babies to work, you'd probably ask everyone to just keep them under their desks so they won't interfere with productivity.

OK, so what do I know? I'm just some dumb blogger. I'm not the CEO of anything. Let me see if I understand your new policy: everyone needs to haul their sad, tired asses into the Yahoo offices Monday to Friday and if they're not willing to do that, then they can find employment elsewhere. Hmm … I don't know. I would think that anyone who is any good will definitely be able to find another job with a better company (Google) where they will be able to find the flexibility they are used to (Google). The ones who can't find a better place to work (Google) will be forced to come into the office and steal your office supplies and stare out your windows. 

Way to weed out the best!



PS - You have my permission to run this letter on the front page of Yahoo if you think it would help boost morale.

OK, so what do you think? Is this a good idea for Yahoo employees?

Hey, I've been nominated for a Bloggie. Actually, two, but I don't want to get greedy. I just want to win WEBLOG OF THE YEAR. If you have a minute (really, it takes a whole minute) to vote for me I'd appreciate it. 

Photo source: Freedigitalphotos

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