I Hear You, Tina, Loud and Clear

Many of you know that I have a mean girl crush on Tina Fey.  On Valentine's Day I wrote a letter to her and I asked everyone to share it so it would hopefully get to Tina.  I whored myself out that day by tweeting it to just about every castmember of "30 Rock" and "SNL" with the hopes that someone would get it to Tina so she would call me and let me take her to lunch.  I still haven't heard from Tina...directly...but I'm no dummy and I'm pretty sure she's trying to contact me and I want her to know:  Message received - loud and clear, Colonel.

I'll fill you in.  I was watching the "Murphy Brown Lied to Us" episode of "30 Rock" the other night and I saw that in the first minute she sent me a clear message that she's been reading the blog and she's been starting to understand me.

I'm a moron and I can't figure out how to embed a video from Hulu so I'll just put the link here.  Watch the first minute of this episode of and you will see Tina's homage to me.  I'll just wait 'til you're done.

Did you see it?  It was right there.  It was so obvious.  OH.  EM.  GEE.  Hellooooo.  She's wearing overalls!  If you've been reading for awhile now, you'll know that overalls are very meaningful to me.  I wore overalls on my first date with the Hubs.  Have you ever really seen overalls on a TV show?  Nope.  This is definitely a message for me.  A message that says, I totally get your love and fascination of overalls, Jen, and I am right there with you.  They are comfortable and perfect for any kind of project.  You are a genius for re-introducing me to them.

Annndddd....did you notice?  She has a baby book with the name "Adolph" circled in it.  I call my daughter "Adolpha" on the blog.  It's not a real name and it would sound entirely made up if she used that name on "30 Rock," so instead she had to use Adolph.  It was a little cryptic, but I got it.  I saw what she was doing there.

"Are you getting it, Jeneral?"

It was so simple to crack her code, don't you think?

Tina is communicating with me!  I think she's still a little nervous to reach out directly, because she's worried I could be a crazy lady.  I don't blame her.  She's got to be careful.  I understand.

So I just want to tell her:  I'm not crazy, Tina, I swear.  I know, I know.  Crazy people always say that, but I mean it.  I don't know if you heard or not, but I'm looking to expand my circle and add another friend or two.  I think you could totally make the cut if you wanted to, y'know...hang.  Or we could just be pen pals, I'm good with that too.  You let me know.  Until then, I'll be watching for more signs.

UPDATE:

Judah AKA Frank from "30 Rock" says "I'm on it."  If Judah will make this happen, he will get my vote for President!  

Weekly Wrap Up 5.26.12

This was a fun week.  Both of my kids finished school this week, Adolpha got her cast off (if you didn't know Adolpha had a cast, you can read about it here) and we've already had 2 playdates to kick off the summer right.  Woohoo - bring on pool time, free bowling and cheap movies, we're ready!

Many of you follow me at Facebook and I thank you for that.  It's a great way to communicate with one another and get new posts to you.  That being said, FB is being an asshat about feeds.  Many, many, many of the people who are following me on FB are not seeing me pop up in their feeds anymore and so they're missing out on new posts.  Please take a minute follow me on the blog so that you will be alerted by Blogger (not an asshat) every time there is something new to read.  Here's how you do it:

1.  Go here.
2.  Scroll down below popular posts (right hand column).
3.  Keep going past Top 25 moms thing, Google, Pinterest, Stumbleupon and Kidscoop.
4.  Subscribe in a reader.  This is one option.  If you want that, select that, if you don't, keep going to the next one.
5.  Join This Site - Followers button.  Hit that and you're done.  Don't want that either?  Keep going down.
6.  Follow by email.  Put in your email address and you'll get an email each time I post.

Don't miss out by relying on FB to keep you up to date.  Twitter isn't being a bitch, so you could opt for that too if you'd like.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Friends are Hard to Find - Whoa this was a big one.  When I wrote this piece I thought maybe, MAYBE, 10 people would agree with me.  Who knew so many of us felt this way?  This piece was shared all over and I heard from so many of you offering to be my friend (thank you very much) and asking for a Friends Party in your town.  I have picked the date, Thursday, June 21 and I've scheduled several around the country.  You can see them all by clicking the EVENTS button on the top right hand side of the Facebook page or here is a link.  If you don't see your city and you're willing to take charge, email me and let me know and I'll make a page for you too.  Even though I'm the "host" of all of these events, I obviously cannot be at all of them that night, so I'll need someone to take charge and pick a venue and a time.  I will publicize it for you and I'll send you some ice breaker stuff.  Invite your friends and have them invite theirs too.  Even if you meet one new person you can get along with, my job will be done.

BTW, many of you are saying how much we're alike and I don't doubt that.  Because we are so much alike, I'm a bit worried these events are going to be busts, because I am the type of person to be excited about going and then about 4 PM the day of I'll say:  Eh, they're all gonna suck.  I won't like anyone and they won't like me.  I don't want to get out of my pajamas.  I think there's a Real Housewives rerun on tonight.  I'm going to stay home.  DO NOT DO THAT.  Just try it.  It's one night.  You can go in sweatpants for all I care.  Just go.

Don't let this be you.

As for the guys, sorry Charlie, this is chicks only.  I appreciate that you want to be our friend too, but there's a special bond between ladies and that's what we're looking for.  Also, put yourself in our shoes: we tell our families that we're going out for the night to meet some internet people and yeah, there will be some guys there too.  In the immortal words of a 13 year old girl:  It makes you seem like a creeper.  I promise, if you ask me, I will organize something else for you guys.

Mini Punch Tuesday - I haven't done a list of mini punches in a long time and it felt good to do those again.  I'm pissed, because last night I woke up in the middle of the night with at least two for a list for this week and now I can't remember them.  I need a damn notebook by my bedside.  (Did you see what I just did there?  I did a sly pimp of my new products store.  I'm adding to it all the time, so keep checking back and let me know if there's something in particular you'd like to buy that you don't see.)

Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To - If you have not watched "GIRLS" yet on HBO, please stop reading and go watch right now.  Yes, it's awkward and uncomfortable, but I dare you not to laugh.  This show has brought up so many memories that I buried deeply over 20 years ago and we are all better for it.  Honestly, who didn't laugh at this post?

There were several recurring questions and I'll try to get them all:  1.  I have no idea what the women there used back in the 90s.  I'm guessing we use the phrase "on the rag" for a reason.  The selection of any type of goods was so limited and so basic that toiletries were a real luxury.  2.  Looking back with 20 years of life experience under my belt, yes, it was a kind and generous and sweet gift.  As a selfish American 20 year old, I was mostly horrified that anyone even suspected that I needed such things.  3.  He was a nice boy at the time, we did hang out for a bit longer and I enjoyed his company until he became an asshole.  We are no longer in touch, although I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him now.  He tends to pop up over the years.  Last I heard he had one kid and two ex-wives.  I guess his gift-giving did not get any better with age.  4.  The people who oohed and ahhed were mostly doing it to be polite.  I shoved them back in the bag right away and hid the bag with my jacket and stuff.  One girl did ask to see them up close later that evening.  5.  Yes, he was that formal.  He learned British English from a proper British teacher.  Whenever I would come to his dorm room to visit, he would open the door and say, "You are welcome." and I would always think: For what?  What crazy gift did he give me that I forgot about? and then I'd realize, I am welcome...welcome in his home.

50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review - Hanging on to the top posts list for an explosive second week!  This is a MUST READ!

New Posts at Babble.com This Week:

Today I Made Good on My Bribe

Saying Goodbye to Our Preschool Teachers Was Harder for Me Than My Kids

My Favorite Comments (and My Reply if Necessary):

I have a friend who went to live in Australia for a while. She heard that condoms were hard to get there, so she decided to take a supply thinking that, if worst came to worst, she could make her own condom black market. So she had all of of these boxes of condoms in her luggage (I think something like 15 or 20...she wasn't kidding), and they searched her luggage at customs. She had to stand there while some Aussie customs agent kept pulling box after box after box of condoms out of her luggage. She was MORTIFIED! [Sorry, I just went even further off topic, but your mention of Australia reminded me of this other funny story.] on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Duuuude, we are meant to be friends. I AM this list. ;) on Friends are Hard to Find

I know!  I agree!!

This has just made the top 5 funniest things I have EVER read. Awesome. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

I hope I wrote the other 4 as well.

"You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses." You might have gotten a hedge trimmer too if you explained it was like a jungle down there.... on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

OMG loved the posting. What a story I am still laughing. I once sent hubby in for mine, he came out with a bad- of Depends I was so PO'd at the time, bcuz now I had to go in and exchanged this mess. We can laugh about it now. I mean seriously who could confuse a box with a bag? :) Thanks for the laugh on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

I was dating a dentist and he gave me an electric toothbrush. I opened it up and asked, "Is this a joke?" He looked back at me like I shot his dog. We broke up soon after. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Gum disease is no laughing matter.  OK, yeah it is.

LOL!!! I almost snorted my Diet Coke reading this! I've been to several Eastern European countries in the past 5 years and thankfully the conditions are much improved. Except for Moscow's airports - I once couldn't find any TP in the whole damn airport when I had a bad case of the runs. That was awful. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

"You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses." OMG. Seriously, I just spat bagel on my computer screen as I read that. Oops. In other news, I was the crazy girl at CVS buying boxes of tampax on sale for $3, opening them on the counter to get the "$2 off" coupon out and then buying the next box for $1, and so on and so on, until I had about 20 boxes. No, I'm not going to Russia, just Australia, but apparently they don't believe in applicator tampons there, and after a year in the US I am now a convert! on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

My husband used to work in the store room of a mental hospital *no we did not meet there*. The first time he got a requisition for sanitary napkins he went to his boss and asked what the difference was between the "sanitary napkins" and the regular ones. His boss nearly wet himself. Hubby has never lived it down. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

I have to go to IT and get a new keyboard. I spewed iced tea all over it. That was the most hilarious thing I've read today. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Wow. You now have a gazillion ladies vying to be you BFF. Reading the responses is like watching an episode of "The Bachelor," only I can't make fun of all of the horrific dresses everyone is wearing. I think you sound like a fantastic friend, but I honestly don't think I could be your best friend. If we were friends, I'd constantly be checking your blog posts to see if you wrote something brilliant or scathing about something I did or said. And if I laughed too hard at one of your rants and accidentally peed my pants (because I refuse to do kegel exercises), I'd worry that millions of folks would read all about it the next day. And while I LOVE the idea of being totally honest and open with you as my new besty, I'd be nervous that on more than one occasion, you would definitely, most certainly want to punch me in the throat. Maybe you would hate my ketchup addiction. Maybe you'd want to punch me for putting up with my husband's occasional super crappy behavior. Or for the fact on Friends are Hard to Find

Jen, you literally took the words out of my mouth while I was reading that. I think we would get along so great! Here's my case: My husband in the real estate biz We both work from home We have two kids of the same general age as yours (although I think the genders are switched, our girl is older than the boy) I cuss like a fucking sailor and I love it (the notion of "naughty words" is completely ridiculous to me) I tease because I love I'm sooooo not crafty or OAMish I am anti everyone-is-special, everyone-gets-an-award (you show up for practice, you play hard, you win, you get a trophy, you don't get one because mommy and daddy write a check, its called EARNING your reward!) My hubs hates everyone too (must be a guy thing) I'm in Olathe! Case closed, I'm your new BFF. Congratulations! on Friends are Hard to Find

Boom.  Done.  Wait a minute, how are we going to split our RE referrals?  We'll be poaching each other's friends.  That could get ugly.

Jen - Dan here....you guys know you are only a short, 8 hour drive to the Big D (well actually the Big F, but that sounds dirty). Come down to see your Uncle and you can double dip again :-) on Friends are Hard to Find

I had no idea you could be dirty, Dan.  Nice one with the Big F.  Believe me, the Big F is on our list and you will not be excluded from the roundup.  Thanks for the invite!!  Much love to you guys.

Jen, wow girl. Look at what you are doing here.. You better get that damn elf a halo because this is amazing. You don't know me from boo but I'm proud of you! I've been with you since this started and watching your little blog mature and I think it's fabulous what your doing here. Don't get too "Oprah" on us now, but I do hope you find enough "Gails" to keep you happy! Staying tuned! Your friend, Heather :0) on Friends are Hard to Find

Oh God, if I get "Oprah" please someone kick me.  

So I have a couple of friends that I like and like me (which is a rare and interesting combo). I also have 3 boys under 3 so I have no life and need friends that dig that. Anyhow. I'm leaving my friends and moving to the Netherlands. If by chance any of your readers are in the Tilburg, vicninity- I'm coming this October. Let's hook up so we can make fun of wooden shoes together. on Friends are Hard to Find

Please tell me there is at least one person in Tilburg that reads this....how cool would that be?

Hi, I'm Jenn - I'd like to apply for the friend position... I'm a Jersey girl, so you already know that I an dish it out AND take it. I'm not afraid to be me or let you be you... If your bill is full, it's all good - put me on the waiting list. I'll also forget too - so if one of us calls the other at random for a drinkie poo - I'm all in! :) PS. Loved this ... I will be another to say, "Were we separated at birth?" on Friends are Hard to Find

Wow, this sounds like me exept I can cook ;)Luckily I do have a bunch of friend like you are looking for. If you ever come to Iceland we could take you out for a drink or two and teach you some icelandic swear words ;) (my spelling is probably off since english isn´t my first language, oh well) on Friends are Hard to Find

Iceland is on my bucket list.

I just read 50 Shades of Grey. Honestly I wanted to slap the crap out of the main female character myself for all her whining but it was an easy read. BTW it is porn. I don't usually like romance-y type books but after the first sweaty sex scene in the book I became inspired. I went and made out so hard with the hubs I had to ice my tenders. Never done that before... on What Are You Reading?

"ice my tenders" I will be stealing that in the future. Hilarious.

Mini Punch Tuesday

It's been awhile, but I've got some mini punches I'd like to share.

1.  Desmond Hatchett - AKA The Jackhole with 30 Kids.  Have you heard about Desmond yet?  This guy is a real gem.  He's 33 years old and he has 30 kids with 11 women.  WTF?  The shocking part of this story (besides the fact that women continue to have unprotected sex with this guy) is that he makes minimum wage and can't possibly support these kids.  The courts have garnished his wages and divided it among his children's mothers and some only get $1.50 a month and since that can't buy shit anyway, he's decided he'd like his money back.

I tell you what, Desmond, you can have your money back and you can walk away from your responsibilities as soon as you let the state sterilize your stupid ass.  I don't usually support the violation of people's rights and their bodies, but what the hell?  This guy should be fitted with a padlock on his drawers.  He obviously cannot make decisions with anything other than his dick and he needs to have all access to it cut off immediately.

2.  The Lady in the Silver Lexus on 69 South Highway & the 151st St Exit Thursday Afternoon.  This one is personal.  I hope it finds her.  It's sort of like those Desperately Seeking Susan ads only I desperately want to punch this woman.  She's about 40 and she wears a Bump-It in the front of her head.  She had big bug eyed sunglasses and manicured nails (I noticed when she gave me the bird) and she drives like a blind person.  This is for her:

What the fuck is your problem, lady?  Am I invisible?  Did you see my car when you decided at the last possible second to exit from the furthest lane?  Or did you just think I'd move and let you in?  Good thing I slammed on my brakes or else you would have run right into the side of my car, you twat.  I can't even believe YOU actually got mad at ME when I honked at your stupid ass and flipped you off.  I can't believe YOU told ME to fuck off.  Maybe if you got off you fucking phone and paid attention to where you're going you wouldn't have this problem.  Maybe if you took your head out of your ass 2 miles back and realized your exit was coming, I wouldn't have to tell you what a fucking moron you are.  BTW, you wear a Bump-It in the back of your head, it's not for your bangs, you asshat.

3.  Mason is the Number 2 Boys' Name Because of the Kardashians.  Mason is a cute name and I like it a lot.  I'm not bagging on anyone who named their kid Mason.  I just hope that if you named your child Mason it was because you liked the name, NOT because Kourtney Kardashian and her douchey dad of a husband named their kid Mason.  Please do not let those vapid, no-talent, wastes of space influence anything you do.  What is America coming to if our number 2 boys' name was influenced by those idiots??!

4.  The Parents Who Put Their Kid in a Washing Machine.  WTF?!  I have no idea what these two were thinking, but obviously not Let's put the kid in the washer and see if the door LOCKS and it starts to FILL with water!!  Give them time, I'm sure they'll be on the Today show telling us all about their lapse in judgment.  We've all done bonehead things with our kids, but putting them in a washer is pretty up there.  At least they seemed concerned and didn't laugh while the kid was drowning in sudsy water.

The person I'm most interested in is the guy in the red hat who keeps STROLLING by to see how it's going while the parents work frantically to open the door and find help.  Way to be helpful, you asshole.

5.  People Who Expect Me To Referee When They're Arguing With Someone on My Blog.  Yeah, I'm talking about you, Jim.  Why is it that when people disagree with what I write and someone else jumps to my defense, the first person cries that his feelings are hurt?  WTF?  Put on your big boy pants and take it.  When you comment on a blog like this, you're going to get pushback.  Deal with it.  Especially if your comment is sexist, racist, and/or just plain ignorant.  If you can't hack it, then don't write it.  Don't come whining to me that someone said something that hurt your feelings and you want to know if that's how I feel too.  This is not a preschool class.  Sack up or hit the road.  Oh, and one more thing, don't tell me to stop swearing.  I fucking hate that.

Weekly Wrap Up 5.20.12

I don't know if you noticed or not, but last week I did not get a Weekly Wrap Up done.  I apologize to the 12 of you who read it faithfully.  This week, I've incorporated posts and comments from last week and this week.  Let's get to it.

Top Read Posts This Week:
50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review - At this point you can't swing a dead cat without hearing about 50 Shades of Grey and how hot it is. I decided I'd give you my two cents. I just want to clarify, that while I said overall the book did not live up to its hype, I'm still totally going to buy the other two and read them - I am not a high brow reader by any stretch of the imagination. I also would like to give props to E.L. James for getting it done. It's not Shakespeare, but good for her for finishing a book and selling the shit out of it. I noticed a few people said she was greedy. I don't know much about the fan fiction world, so maybe it's tacky to want to get paid for your writing, but where I come from all the writers I know would like to get paid for a book. Good for her for figuring out how to do it.

I also want to add that a lot of people suggested I pick up the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure. I totally forgot that I own those books. They're tucked in the back of the closet where Gomer can't find them. I will add my two cents and say, Yes, if you were looking for a little more spice in 50 Shades and you have not read those books - go get them now. THEY do deliver.

Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date - I learned that being 13 hasn't changed much in 20+ years, just the technology has. This post is "totes awk." (Read the post and you'll get it.)

The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street - I don't live in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, unless Mr. McFeely is a child molester.

Survivor Producers - I watched the finale of Survivor and I decided the premise is getting old. I have ideas for the producers that are a surefire way to boost ratings.

TIME Magazine - I don't know if you heard of not, but TIME Magazine put a picture of a hot mom breastfeeding a preschooler on their cover. It was to promote an article about attachment parenting. I wasn't in the mood to find statistics about attachment parents, so I made a jokey generalization based on the park I attend most and suggested that MOST women practicing AP were gray haired and drove Subarus and the woman on the cover was as rare as a Yeti. I heard from quite a few Yetis that they are not as rare as I had suspected. I received so many pictures of young, attractive AP Yetis posed by their cars (not one Subaru among them) that I'm thinking of making a calendar of hot AP moms. I did not intend for the AP moms to take the punch. It was not meant for them and if it came off that way, I apologize, because that wasn't my intention. My punch was for TIME for it's outlandish photo that clearly does not represent the majority of attachment parents and was only put there to sell magazines. It was also aimed at Dr. Sears, because I do think he does not take into account that fact that some moms don't have the luxury to attachment parent and many are made to feel bad because they can't.

I wrote some new posts for Babble.com:

Just Another Way I Shame My Kid Every Day

I Hate My Friend's Kid

School's Out - Now What?

A Boy and His Balls

Favorite Comments (and My Reply if Necessary):

Okay--new to format--I'm Allison. First, Dr. Sears is actually pretty cool. I read his book..and on the first page you know what he says? "If it doesn't work for you, don't do it." I've never seen another parenting book with that saying. Go easy on him, Jen...he's not evil, just passionate. And yes, I breastfed...15 months, 2 years, 1 month (died), and 2.5 years. Yup, getting longer each time...and I slept with my kids...am I glad I have my boobs back? Yes. Am I glad to have my bed back? Yes. Am I sorry that I parent the way I do/did? No. It worked for us...and isn't that what parenting is about? Doing what works for your family...and telling the busybodies to go punch themselves in the throat. (I'm too lazy to punch anybody) I don't really care how other parents parent their kids...just leave me alone. Good blog though...like your style. on TIME Magazine

The money she made for posing for TIME will surely go towards the therapy her son will need in a few short years... on TIME Magazine

Another classic blog post, Jen! Thanks for the laugh. And some of the comments are hilarious (the others need to chill). I have to admit that my first reaction to the photo was disturbing. But the more I thought about it, I agree that it is natural and that breastfeeding older children isn't necessarily disturbing - just the provocative photo of it was. on TIME Magazine

Fuck, If I breastfed that long, when would I have the time to drink? on TIME Magazine

Jen your best: "Yeah, I'm mom enough. I don't need to put on my fabulous skinny jeans and whip out my itty bitty titty to feed my preschooler"...Seriously when I was gawking at her I thought 'a Capri Sun holds more liquid'. Thanks for being our Voice! on TIME Magazine

I keep thinking that Survivor should take the contestants, fly them around in circles for hours, land and take them off the plane somewhere right here in the good old USA. Except they blindfold them from the time they get off the plane until they drop them off in the middle of a forest or swamp or something where they can't tell they are like 2 miles from a McDonalds. HA HA suckas, can you smell the Big Macs? You must be hallucinating... on Survivor Producers

Another super overused word right now is YOLO. Listen for it and you will hear it so much it will make you want to vomit! Try saying the word to your child and see what the reaction is since most parents assume that YOLO is your kid mumbling or gurgling...the definition Of YOLO is YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Again text speak but the experiment will be hilarious since they think we are as fossil like I we thought our parents were at that age! Worth the fun since YOLO right? HA! on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

I would like to add the word "creeper" to the interesting vocabulary list. Defined in teen terms creeper - n. a pedophile, old man, or weird-o person. Ohh.. Jenn, did you see that creeper looking at us in the mall? How awkward! on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

Wow! I just realized that my 13 year old daughter must truly be a nerd. All her friends do is talk about Star Wars, Hunger Games and Minecraft. They all play in the Orchestra and post obscure classical music videos on each others Facebook pages. on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's

I want my daughter to be like your daughter.  

My girl is 11. "Awkward" is the word du jour. It makes it's way into every conversation. Even those about church. "So, it's the body of Christ we're eating? AWKWARD!" http://amysreallife.wordpress.com on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

I knew Amy when we were 11 and I'm trying to think what word we used all the time.  Probably something like "grody" or "gag me."

As a former wall flower, with a beautiful, intelligent, hilarious wall flower 13 year old daughter, this post made me laugh and sad at the same time. You have no idea how hard it is to go through 13 again with your daughter (my son isn't there yet, but I can't imagine it will be as bad.) I actually think the pain is worse to see your daughter feel socially awkward and cry for a boy to like her. And because she is cute...she left her dorky friends since elementary and hangs on the periphery of the "kewl" group...feeling isolated and alone. I want to shake her...but understand and probably would have done the same at 13. Good luck Jen... on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

BWAAAHAHAAHAAAA after a while I found myself skimming the sex scenes. How does someone have THAT MUCH SEX? At some point she's gonna be like fuck this shit, I just want to go to bed. on 50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

I've been poking around and almost almost almost...and hiding in a corner trying to feel out if I should blog. Been home for two months now with a newborn (enough to drive me nuts....with joy of course. tooootal joy.) and I wanna! So I stumbled upon your blog through babble, and love it, and feel it, and then to see you say the magic words - "Just start" Done and done. Thank you. I'm going to check out blogger now, and have wordpress in the wings. on FAQ About Blogging

Be sure to post a link to the blog on my Blog Love post so we can all check it out.

I've commented before (www.not-so-super-mom.blogspot.com) but now I know I am "Bizarro Jen". I just got MY real estate license (finally! after being licensed in another state previously), I have a registered sex offender living around the corner, and I have some deadbeat's old cell phone number; and the kicker there is I just found out today that that deadbeat (who's name shows up on landline caller ID's) is a tenant in one off my broker's rentals. on The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

Jen, I just moved from a similar JOCO culdesac... very nice McMansions... one neighbor got so drunk he pissed in his yard in front of all the neighborhood kids in broad daylight... my next- door neighbor killed his elderly dog in his basement to save money... seriously nutty guy down the street had two giant concrete lions in his driveway that he said "were his eyes"... I could go on and on. Glad I got OUT. Love my new neighbors in the 60 year-old subdivision I now live in - much farther north. on The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

Wow..and I thought that the 500 lb. lady across the street who died and then her little Yorkie dog ate her big toe because nobody found her for three days was exciting.Or the father/grown son down the street who shot/stabbed each other because they got into a fight over beer. on The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

Jen, I really wish that you were a teacher! You would have way too much to write about. Today, I was threatened by a parent who asked for a conference to speak about his son's failing grade in my class. (High school). I told him nicely that I would arrange a time that would work so that the son, the father, the guidance counselor and myself could all meet together. I found that Thursday would work the best...Father wrote back in ALL CAPS......" You can't find any time on Monday?? I want to meet on MONDAY! If you don't find some time to meet on MONDAY then I will be in school at 6:30 waiting for you and we will meet with your principal" really? tell your son to study, that's why he's failing. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was that I couldn't be taken out of a class to meet with him....Boy, I really could have used you in the teacher's room today. on Got a Punch?

I hear some crazy stories from my teacher readers.  I need all of you to tell me your stories anonymously so I can tell people how fucked up we are to teachers.

Survivor Producers

Outwit, outplay, outlast, outlive?

Last night the Hubs and I watched the Survivor finale.  I won't tell you who won.  I will tell you that if you're a Survivor aficionado, you will agree with the critics that this season was one of the most boring seasons in history.  After 12 years, the producers have tried many different tactics to spice it up.  This season they tried men vs. women and it wasn't near as riveting as they'd hoped.

Like he does at the end of every Reunion special, Jeff Probst gave us a glimpse of the next installment in the franchise.  This time it's Survivor: Phillipines.  Jeff hinted that they would bring back 3 of the most famous Survivor injury disasters in the history of the game.  They showed clips of past injured players like Michael Skupin (the guy who fell in the fire just when the camera man was taking a break so there was no footage) and Russell Swan (the guy who practically died in the middle of a challenge because he was so dehydrated).

Jeff also got very excited about the fact that they were going to the Phillipines where the tribes would live with poisonous snakes and be surrounded by shark-infested waters.

That's when I realized that Jeff and Mark Burnett and all the other Survivor producers are planning a funeral for the very special Reunion show.

Here's how I think a FICTIONAL conversation between REAL PEOPLE went:

Burnett (imagine this in a chippy Australian accent):  We're getting a lot of flak about this season.  Everyone thinks it's boring and we've lost our edge.

Probst (we all know his voice):  I don't know.  It doesn't seem so bad.  We've got a lot of cute girls out there for them to look at.

Burnett:  Cute girls who are running the show and not a villain in sight!  They're talking about their feelings and staying loyal to their alliances.  This is not good television!

Weaselly Assistant Producer (nasally and simpering voice - think ultimate kiss ass):  Sir, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how to make the show sexy again.

Burnett:  Who are you?

WAP:  I've worked here for 2 years, but my name is not important.  What is important is my idea.

Probst:  OK, so what is it?

WAP:  Well, I've been thinking.  Have you heard of The Hunger Games?

Burnett:  Are you a bloody idiot?  Everyone in the world has heard of The Hunger Games!

WAP:  Right.  Well, The Hunger Games is popular because it's like Survivor, only people die.

Probst:  Actually, teenagers die.

WAP:  Exactly.  Here at Survivor we've had a couple of close calls with people falling into fires and that guy with the bowel obstruction, but we've never managed to get a death on tape.  I feel like it's time to raise the bar.

Burnett:  Have teenagers kill one another??!

WAP:  No, I checked with legal, we can't do that.

Burnett/Probst:  Damn.

WAP:  Only adults can come on the show and put themselves in danger.  What I'm thinking is we invite back some of our closest calls and then we tell them there is no medical evacuation option this season.

Burnett:  No medical evacuation?  Can we do that?

WAP:  Legal is working on it, but with our legal budget they're pretty sure they can make it fly.

Probst:  So we invite Russell Swan-

Burnett:  Who?

Probst:  Russell Swan.  He's the one who passed out during the challenge and just about died from dehydration.  He was the closest to death.  We filmed the medical team for almost an hour, but they just kept stabilizing him.  They're so damn good!  Finally, we had to airlift him out.  He'll want to come back.  He's a competitor and he'll want a second chance.

Burnett:  Great.  Who else?

WAP:  Michael Skupin.

Burnett:  Oooh...fire guy.  I still can't believe we didn't have a camera on him when he fell in the fire!  We fired that camera man, right?

Probst:  Abso-fucking-lutely.  He'll never work in this town again.

WAP:  I'm thinking we need 3 to round it out.  We'll have 3 teams and each near death Survivor will be a "captain."

Burnett:  Who is the third?

WAP:  I don't know, maybe Colton Cumbie?  The gay slash racist guy from this season?  He went home with appendicitis, although I'm hearing now he might have faked it.  People hate him.

Probst:  Yeah, but not in a good way.  He's no Johnny Fairplay.

Burnett:  Johnny Fairplay was brilliant with that whole dead grandmother bit.

Probst:  Yeah, Colton is nothing like Johnny.  That guy is a bitch.  I don't want to give him a second chance.

Burnett:  It really doesn't matter who we bring back.  All that matters is that we make great TV!  

WAP:  Exactly.  And the way to make it great TV is to make the conditions absolute shit.  That's why I'm thinking we go to the Phillipines.  We put these tribes on an island with no fresh water and poisonous snakes and bugs.  The peninsula where they live will be surrounded by beautiful water, but it's completely shark infested, so no fishing, bathing or swimming.  We may need to bring some more sharks in, just to be sure we have enough.  I'm also looking for crocodiles to bring in, because I love how they can attack on land or water - surprise attacks!

The camps will be close to one another, but cut off completely by rings of fire (with 24 hour cameras on them) that only go down when it's time to leave the camp for challenges and such.  Sometimes we could extinguish the fires and let the tribes out to wander about and maybe have a run in with a croc.  Since they don't know when the fire will be back up again, they might get trapped outside the safety of their fire ring and have to spend the night on the beach.  I'm thinking we could time this with the weather forecast - a lightning strike would be a-MAY-zing.

The only food and water the tribes get comes when we think they deserve it.  They could win food and water at challenges, I guess, but that seems so boring and predictable.  I was thinking we could mix it up and sometimes have the food they win be spoiled - e coli can be a just as effective a killer as a shark.  I've also been toying with the idea of getting them to turn on each other.  Food seems to be the only way to do that.  We could air drop small parachutes of food - just enough for one or two people and then let them fight for it.  I'm thinking hunger makes people do crazy things.  Or...the other thing people would kill for is their family.  We could keep a child or a spouse hostage somewhere in the jungle and show the Survivor contestant video clips of their loved one suffering on whatever new cell phone Sprint has and they have to win the challenges or else -

Burnett:  Let me just stop you right there.

WAP:  I'm sorry, sir.  Did I cross the line?  Is it too much?

Burnett:  Absolutely not.  I'm going to need to learn your name, son, because you just got yourself promoted to Executive Producer!

Probst:  Best.  Season.  Ever.

TIME Magazine

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Kansas Legislators

Dear Kansas Legislators,

I don't know how to say this so that you will understand, but I'll try:  STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BEDROOM AND MY UTERUS, YOU COCKSUCKERS.

Sincerely,

Jen

KS Senator Mary Pilcher-Cook.  A disgrace to women.

Was that clear?  I am so pissed off tonight after reading that the newest, boldest, most dangerous anti-abortion bill passed in the Kansas Legislature and is now wending its to big baby Brownback who will most likely sign it into law.  Kansas Senator Mary Pilcher-Cook (literally the first person I've ever wanted to call the c-word on my blog) was quoted as saying, "This is about respecting the rights to conscience and others' beliefs.  Let's protect peoples' beliefs."  I don't know, I don't feel like my beliefs are protected at all.  No one's worrying about me and my daughter.

This bill will allow doctors to lie to their patients and tell them that abortions cause cancer, it will charge rape victims a sales tax on their abortions, it could allow medical providers to limit birth control if they deem it necessary and it will put the health of a fetus over the health of a living, breathing (kicking and screaming) woman.

I am so sick to my stomach right now I could scream.  I am so furious, I am crying angry tears as I type this.  My daughter is sleeping peacefully in her bed upstairs and has no idea of the fucking nightmare that is happening.  Right now she is losing rights to her own body and there is nothing I can do to stop that.

We talk in school and on the internet a lot about bullies, well let me tell you, these Republican lawmakers are fucking bullies.  They are bullying women back into the kitchen and back into the baby factories.  Fuck you, Mr. Big Shot and a big, special fuck you very much to the women Republican lawmakers.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Don't you understand what you're doing??  Don't you see what is happening here?  We are being put back in "our place."  You have a chance to do good for your fellow woman and instead you are limiting her ability to choose what is right for her!

I get that you don't want to have an abortion.  Fine.  No one asked you to.  No one said you had to.  But don't you dare take legal, safe abortions away from women.  Think about the women who will continue to find a place to go, whether it's a dark alley or a dirty clinic.  Think about these women who will die, because of a botched job.

This is a fight that women on all sides should be fighting.  Why can't we fight together for our reproductive rights?  Why can't we fight together to demand we have access to the safest and best medical care this country can provide (I'm not saying free medical care, I'm just saying doctors who don't lie to us and perform invasive procedures without cause)?

Do you want your daughters locked in towers and chastity belts?  Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and lawmakers were demanding that families could only have 1 or 2 children instead of as many as are right for you and your husband?  Can you imagine if your daughters were told that at 12 or 13 they must submit to being put on birth control?  We should be working together to ensure that we and our daughters have the right to treat our bodies the way we want to treat them.  This is such a private matter and it should not be decided by a roomful of old, white men.

I'm especially outraged that this bill allows doctors to lie to their patients.  What is happening to our country?  If we can't trust our doctors to tell us the truth and to treat us with dignity and respect and HONESTY, where will we go for treatment?  I will now have to ask my OB if he's a conservative or a liberal (and hope he tells me the truth) in addition to Do you take Aetna?

I am truly frightened for the future of this country.  We are going backwards instead of forwards.  Politicians are so busy worrying about gays and lesbians ruining the precious sanctity of marriage and unborn fetuses, and women's reproductive health that they're forgetting that we're in a recession and that we have millions of people looking for work and that we're fighting a fucking war.  Get out of our bedrooms and get back to work, you fucking tools.

I will do what I can, but I am only one person.  I swear to God that I will NEVER vote Republican in any election again as long as this party continues to preach and advocate against women's health.  The change has to come from inside the party.  I vow that I will vote in every election from here on out, including the fucking Board of Education and I will vote for anything BUT a Republican.  I don't care if it's a fucking dog on the ballot and a Republican, I will vote for the dog until the Republican party changes.  

And to those of you who are reading this and thinking, I don't live in Kansas, this has nothing to do with me.  You're wrong.  They're coming for you too.  It's just a matter of time.  It's a wave.  They just need to get it started.

One more thing, if you don't agree with my politics and you think this bill is a good idea and you want to say so, make sure you say it respectfully.

BE RESPECTFUL TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.  YOUR FIGHT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER.  It may seem hypocritical for me to rant and rave and then say you can't rant and rave.  I'm saying this, because I wrote this piece and I'm prepared to take criticism, but the people who comment here are not in a position to be attacked, they're just commenting and they didn't ask for a fight.  If you want to fight, go start your own blog.

Weekly Wrap Up 5.6.12

Well, the week is over and I'm ready to wrap this one up.  I had a great time at KCUR being interviewed by Steve Krasky.  I know a lot of you listened and I appreciate that.  I heard from many of you that I didn't "sound" like you thought I would.  I warned you guys that I sound like a 12 year old.  It works great for telemarketers ("No, my mommy isn't home.").  I'm not sure what you expected.  I heard that I should sound "gravelly" or like I smoke 2 packs of smokes a day.  Haha.  Just because my personality is that of a crotchety 65 year old man, it doesn't mean I should sound like one.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Pastor Sean Harris - This post was about a pastor who encouraged his flock to beat the gay out of their kids.  He's since retracted his comments and/or apologized or something like that, but I believe he's only sorry he got caught saying such horrible things.


Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia - I learned something new this week when I was writing this one.  I did not know that over tanning is an actual medical condition.  Who knew?  I also learned that human beings can look like leather couches.


10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously) - This was a total change for me.  I was feeling soft and gooey and so I wrote this one.  I got some heat from some jerks (what else is new?), but for the most part, the majority of the readers embraced it and added their own.  It's a good exercise to try every now and again.


The Worst Interview I've Ever Had - The Hubs and I were watching a TV show where there was an embarrassing interview.  The Hubs didn't think it was realistic.  For me it triggered a flashback to 15 years ago when I made a complete and total ass out of myself.


And I wrote some new posts this week for Babble.  You can read them here.


Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):


I recently began attending a church with a friend. I've been a Christian all my life but was looking for a new church. The pastor there hasn't advocated "beating the gay out", but the message they preach is loud and clear: "we need to love these sinners enough to tell them the truth. The truth being that they are wrong." I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the fact that God would hate someone because they're gay. Aren't we all "fearfully and wonderfully made"??? I feel like some Christians, like those at this church, are making the world a lot more divisive than it was ever supposed to be. on Pastor Sean Harris


jen, this is why i think you're a great blogger!! yesterday you're punching nutella and today you take on something serious, something that needs a tough punch. thanks for keeping it all in perspective! and you're so right about this guy. why didn't his parents beat the mean out of him, since it's so cool to abuse your kids??? on Pastor Sean Harris


I love that reporters asked Snooki about it and even she said the lady was too tan and that her baby was only going to have a natural tan. on Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia


Anyone else think "omg, why is this chick wearing "blackface" makeup?" Then I read the headline. Not sure which is worse. She needs the punch more than the jail time. on Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia


Great job on the NPR interview, Jen! It's great to put a voice with the rants. Wink. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


Had one interview where I was supposed to tell a joke. Huh? I didn't know any. Awkward! I knew the job wasn't mine right then and there. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


I had an interviewer ask me what ingredient in a salad I would be. I said cucumber because they are cool and crunchy. I didn't get the job. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


I had a job interview once where they asked which character from Winnie the Pooh you were most like. So awkward! on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


I was asked why manhole covers are round. He told me months later that the point was that I tried to answer, not that I was right. I once worked at a mall store and got to make up a couple questions when I interviewed people. I would ask what they were for Halloween; I think it tells you a lot about a person. And I'm an ant, because I'm a team player and I'm a lot stronger than I look. (B.S., but I think it sounds good.) on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


Jen... I couldn't read this whole post because it was too happy. Wasn't what I was looking for. But I'm all up to date on your other posts, which were admirably crabby! on 10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)


I love that you can be both a smart ass and positive. I think many people think you have to be either rainbows/unicorns or negative! on 10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia

Tanorexia?  Really?  There's actually a word for people addicted to artificial tanning?  If that's the case, then Patricia Krentcil is Bat Shit Tanorexic.  WTF???  Have you seen her?  Every time I see her on TV I just think, Why is that leather handbag talking?  And then I think, Oh wait, it's a woman...I think it's the lady from Something About Mary...Did they make another one or something?  

Remember when we thought THIS woman was impossibly tan?

No, I refuse to let her hide behind a "medical condition."  I just don't believe it.  Patricia's problem is not that she's addicted to artificial tanning, her problem is she's a nut bar - with extra nuts.

I could make a nice love seat with that leather.  Oh wait!  It's a person!

This lady just proves that it is harder to adopt a dog than have a kid.  Parenthood is not for everyone.  Some people are just too dumb to be parents and this lady is one of them.

I am a slacker parent and I own it.  I don't always feed my kids the healthiest foods or answer their every beck and call.  This woman is beyond slacker.  This woman is plain irresponsible.

There should be a test everyone must pass to be a parent.  There should be questions like:  Would you ever make meth in your house? or Quick - there's a fire.  What do you grab first?  Your smokes, your beer or your kid?  I guess now there's another question that needs to be added to my test:  Is it ever appropriate to put goggles on your 5 year old and let her play in the room where you're basking in lethal rays of light?

Look, obviously Patricia Krentcil is not well.  I believe that she doesn't realize how bad it was for her daughter to come in the tanning room with her - thus the need for my parent trap test.  However, I don't necessarily think Patricia needs 10 years in prison to pay for this error in judgment, but I do think she needs some serious medical help.  She's definitely suffering from her addiction to tanning and I just watched this TMZ video that made me think she's a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs for more than just tanning.

Pastor Sean Harris

Well, if this isn't everything I absolutely hate.  Have you heard of this guy yet?  Apparently, Sean Harris is a Pastor of a North Carolina church and on Sunday he gave his parishioners a "special dispensation" to "punch" their effeminate boys and "rein" in their girls so that they "talk like a girl, walk like a girl and smell like a girl."  The media got wind of this tirade and published his fiery rant that you can listen to here.  This is the quote:

"So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, 'Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,' you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.

Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too butch, you reign her in. And you say, 'Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.'"

Now that the media has outed him as an advocate of child abuse, the pastor has published a "clarification" where he says his words were misquoted.

Hmmm...I don't know, the audio was pretty clear to me.  I didn't hear anything that required clarification.  I heard him loud and clear tell his audience to punch their kids if they seem gay to them.

And we wonder why so many young homosexual people are killing themselves.

What a despicable person this pastor is.  What is wrong with this man?  What preacher gets on his pulpit and tells his followers to squash their children's behavior like a "cockroach"?  Where is the love?  Where is the compassion?  Where is the understanding for a child who might be struggling or might not be secure in himself or herself?

I am angry - no, I am furious - because Sean Harris is basically telling his flock to beat the gay out of their kids.  Actually, he's not even saying just gay kids need to be beat.  He's saying if your kid is just an effeminate boy or a tomboyish girl they need to be set straight - physically.  He's encouraging his people to hit 4 year olds.  

Who are the people in church giggling and calling out "Amen" when he tells the Dads to "crack that wrist"??  It is disgusting and depressing to me that these people are parents and they can laugh at such pointed calls for violence against children who don't fit their ideals.  These people are supposed to protect their children and to love them unconditionally and instead they're chuckling at the idea of slapping the gay out of them like they're in a comedy club.  Even worse, they're raising a new generation of close-minded people who will continue on in their parent's path.

I am so tired of people like Sean Harris who just take the words of the Bible and twist them and turn them to suit their needs when they want to hate someone.  We all "pick and choose" the parts of the Bible we're going to hold gospel.  Everyone just picks different parts.  I'm going to pick "love your neighbor as yourself."

RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA:  Fight discrimination and VOTE NO on Amendment One on May 8.

Photo source:  David Costello Dominici