Hey, TIME, stop this right now! What the hell is wrong with you?
Let's start with the picture that you chose. I don't have hard stats (and I'm way too lazy to go do real research), but my informal polls at the playground lead me to believe that most moms who subscribe to attachment parenting are older hippie moms with gray hair and saggy boobs and Subarus. Why aren't they on your cover too?
Actually, where did you find the woman on your cover? A young, hot, defiant woman who practices attachment parenting? I've never seen anything like her and my guess is it took you a long time to find her. She's like the Yeti of the attachment parenting world.
Are you a bunch of pimply teenage boys over there who get turned on watching a MILF breastfeed?
It's as if Beavis and Butthead are in charge at your offices. Actually, I take that back, apparently the Hubs is in on it too. Here's what he said to me tonight: "Have you seen this thing? Holy crap. It's arousing and disturbing all at the same time."
Nice job, TIME, sounds like you got just the reaction you were looking for, you perverted jackholes.
Just say what it is: It's Mother's Day, which is usually a boring topic for our magazine, so we decided to spice it up a bit.
I think the powers that be at TIME sat around the board room and had this imaginary conversation:
Man 1: The article kind of sucks, because attachment parenting is kind of boring and hardcore and no one will read it, so let's make sure the cover is titillating.
Man 2: Heehee, you said tit-illating.
Man 1: Haha. I did. Well, I think it's a good word for what we want. Let's see the photos we have to choose from.
Man 2: We've got tons of pictures of nursing moms to choose from, but their breasts are so....well-used....
Man 1: "Well-used"? Hell, these things look like 2 week old helium balloons. Yech. No amount of photoshop can help those. Oh my God, is that a hair on this one's nipple?
Man 2: Yes. We've been told those are very normal.
Man 1: I don't know. I think she should get that checked out. Blech. Don't we have any one young with perky boobies - yeah, they need to be boobies, because breasts are just too real looking. Hello...who is this?
Man 2: Her name is Jamie Lynn Grumet and that is her 3, almost 4, year old there on the stool.
Man 1: Jamie Lynn Grumet, I am going to make you famous.
Ugh, you idiots.
Now, what about the caption: "Are You Mom Enough?"
Fuck you, TIME. It's Mother's Day weekend and you're going to trot that boring mommy wars shit out now?
(Here's a genius idea for you guys for Father's Day, let's start the daddy wars - have you heard of Douchey Dads? I can hook you up with a great model for your cover, I can take you to their natural habitat.)
Yeah, I'm mom enough. I don't need to put on my fabulous skinny jeans and whip out my itty bitty titty to feed my preschooler (I refuse to call that kid a "toddler") on the cover of a national magazine to prove it.
I also don't need Dr. William Sears - the guru of attachment parenting - telling me I'm not mom enough. This guy has the market cornered on making moms feel like absolute shit. He loves to tell us all how we're doing it wrong and how inadequate we are because:
- We don't breastfeed our kids until they can spell "delicious and refreshing breast milk."
- We don't co-sleep with our kids until they absolutely beg to leave the family bed out of sheer embarrassment from telling their friends at middle school they still sleep with mommy and daddy.
- We don't love our babies, because occasionally we put them in bouncy seats to give our aching backs a break.
Between TIME Magazine showing us that you should be hot when you breastfeed and Dr. Sears telling us that we're screwing up our kids if we don't practice attachment parenting, I think it's going to be a great Mother's Day.
Thanks for pulling out all the stops to make this one special, TIME!
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms reading this. We all raise our kids differently and we're all doing the best we can do. Don't buy into this shit and just know you ARE mom enough!