People I Want to Punch in the Throat: 2014

2014 - It's Been a Heckuva Year!

Every year I make resolutions for the new year and then I like to look back and see if I did any of them for more than 3 days. Let's see how 2014 went.

Ohhh that's right. I did so poorly in 2013 that I chose not to make any for 2014. Awesome plan, because now I can say I did NOT fail at keeping my New Year's Resolutions.

I felt a little lost last year without any resolutions to screw up. I think maybe I should look back and see what I actually accomplished in 2014 and then I'll make THOSE my resolutions.

1. Get Random House to publish People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges. Done!

2. Become a New York Times Bestseller. Boom! (I'm near the bottom, but I'm there! Thanks to everyone who bought a copy and got me on the list. You guys rock so freaking hard.)

Baby Sideburns updated the cover for me.

"The Interview" Ruined Jason's Holiday!

There are dumb people you run into or hear about every day and then there's Jason Best.

Jason Best is a dipshit who lives in Ohio who took a gamble on "The Interview" and lost.

Remember when we were all talking about "The Interview" a few weeks ago? That's the Seth Rogan movie that supposedly upset North Korea so much that there were threats against theaters that dared to show this film. So, since Sony is a company who worries about risk and liability and all that good stuff, they pulled it. They said, "No movie for you, America!"

But then America got all riled up and were like, "No! We're Americans! We have freedom of speech and we refuse to be silenced by North Korea! I want to see that movie! Even though I had absolutely no interest in seeing it two weeks ago when I first heard about it! I will risk being blown up in a theater to see this work of important political satire from the same guys who gave us 'The End of the World,' which sucked by the way!"

On Friday, I told you guys about Michelle and her special delivery to me. I challenged all of you to tell me why YOU would NEVER EVER return my book to me. I said that I would randomly pick a winner and then I'd send that person Michelle's book.

The Best Hate Mail I Received (This Week)

I am not everyone's cup of tea. I will admit to that. I don't expect for everyone like my brand of humor. It's not for everyone.

Every week I get several emails and comments telling me what an unfunny, vulgar, opinionated, judgmental, bitchy asshole I am. I have been told I should have never had children. I have been told that the Hubs is the dumbest man on the planet for marrying me, because I am a nightmare. I have received death threats, but the worst are the comments about my children's made up names. Who knew the names "Gomer" and "Adolpha" could cause such a fervor?

I thought I'd seen all forms of negative comments, trolls, haters, whatever you want to call them.

Until this week.

I fully realize that I'm not Gwyneth or Oprah or Ellen, but I like to make lists of my favorite things too! As my kids get older, gone are the days that I'm throwing elbows for the hottest American Girl doll or the coolest Lego set. I hate to wear pants, so any shopping I can do from my bed is a plus. That's why I asked around and I put together the best holiday gift guide you'll ever read. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration. But there's a lot of good stuff on here. I'm buying some of this, I already own some of it, and some of it's just a dream. Don't worry, I won't have a $5,000 travel backgammon set or a $150 loaf of bread on this list.

I don't know if you heard the news or not, but Gwyneth's Goop Gift Guide (I call it the 4Gs) came out a few weeks ago. I didn't write about it right away, because I was too busy snapping up some of her ah-may-zing buys!

I mean, really, who can't use a twenty dollar mushroom knife? Can you say stocking stuffer? Just last week, my husband was complaining that we didn't have a knife suitable for cutting mushrooms. Every knife I handed him just simply would not do. "No, Jen! This is clearly for tomatoes. This one is for carrots. Good grief, stop handing me a bread knife when I am trying to cut mushrooms, woman! What is wrong with you?" He finally begrudgingly used a paring knife to get the mushroom situation under control when he started lamenting over our lack of a decent sea salt. I'd recently purchased a lovely one pound bag for under three bucks that was hand-harvested from the most pristine shores of France. I thought that would suffice. Boy, was I wrong. Good thing Gwynnie let me in on the secret eighteen dollar bag farmed from Maine. Message received: buy American, Jen!

Moms Who Drink and Swear and I Have a Conversation

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Bookplates Are Arriving!!

I'm hearing from readers that their signed bookplates are arriving!

Yay!

All of the cool kids got one of these.

A few of you are a bit confused as to why you're receiving my autograph in the mail. Well, you asked for it.

That's right. A few months ago I told you that my publisher offered to send bookplates to any reader who wanted one. You signed up. You willingly handed over your address and now you have a sticky thing with my name scrawled on it. You're welcome.

I know that several of you have threatened to Ebay this little treasure, but I warn you: you will be lucky if you get enough to cover the postage. Seller beware.

Now, you're probably wondering, "What do I do with this thing, Jen?" Is it a bookmark? Is it an IOU? Do you owe me money now? No, silly! You pull off the backing and you place this "collector's item" in the book People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges. If you have the e-book version, I don't recommend putting it on the screen of your device. It won't come off. You need to just get a book. Of course, I'd prefer for you to buy mine, but really I won't know what book you put it in.

Also, there's been some confusion about what the chicken scratch actually says. It doesn't say "For Ham" it says "Jen Mann," but I do love ham, so maybe I was thinking about ham when I signed these? I signed 1,400 of these suckers and my mind did wander sometimes and it caused a few mishaps. There is one lucky person out there with a bookplate that was signed "Jen Mom," because I've completely lost my identity.

Last thing, if you took the time out of your day to sign up for a bookplate, then you must be a big fan of my writing, or you have a lot of free time. Either way, I could use your help. I'm a FINALIST in the Goodreads Reader's Choice Awards. That's kind of a big deal to me. I've been voting in these awards for a long time and never dreamed I'd have a book in the finals. If you haven't already, would you Please VOTE FOR ME!

Caitlyn Ricci

It's like deja vu! A few months ago I wrote about the "adorable" New Jersey girl, Rachel Canning, who sued her parents for tuition. It's happening AGAIN in New Jersey! This time it's a 21 year old spoiled brat who hasn't spoken to her parents in two years who wants them to cough up money for her to attend a private university. A judge ruled in her favor!

Source: Maura McGarvey

That's right! Only the story gets better. So, Caitlyn Ricci (the new girl) has been raised by her divorced parents. Until two years ago when she was thrown out (or moved out -- even that's up for debate with these people) of her mom's house for being rebellious. She moved in with her paternal grandparents. Since that time she hasn't spoken to either of her parents and then the grandparents started paying her legal fees so that she could sue her parents to pay her college tuition. Did you follow all of that?

The other night it was pouring down rain, but my friend needed groceries. She left her warm, dry home and ventured out into the cold, wet night to get food for her family. When she arrived at the grocery store, she noticed a homeless man huddled under the awning of the grocery store. He was trying to stay out of the rain, but the wind was blowing and he was still getting wet. She saw a young female employee come out of the store and speak to him and then go back into the store. My friend got out of the car, opened her umbrella, and walked to the entrance of the store. She passed the homeless man who didn't speak to her and she went inside the store. The employee she'd seen before was coming back to the front of the store and she was holding a sandwich in her hands. "Is that for the man outside?" my friend asked.

"Yes," the girl replied. "He's hungry."

"Did you buy it or did the store give it to you?"

Adolpha at Cheerleading Practice

Tonight I entered the hallowed halls of my former high school for the first time since 1990 and I about broke out in hives. The high school years were not the best for me and I am definitely not one of those people who would love to relive those "glory" days. Instead, I gave that school the bird as I peeled out of the parking lot on my last day and vowed never to return. Tonight I had to break that vow.

Not only did I have to venture back into that den of douchebags and dipshits, I went because I was bringing Adolpha to a cheerleading clinic. The irony is not lost on me.

Some of Adolpha's friends signed up for this clinic and they asked if she'd like to join. Adolpha has been telling us for years that she'd love to be a cheerleader and I keep re-directing to her to anything but. I don't know why exactly. It's not like the cheerleaders were any more horrible to me than the girls' tennis team. I guess it's because when I think of cheerleaders I think of everything I am not: girly, perky, bendy, and like totally adorable with soft and silky hair that bounces just right when they jump. I couldn't avoid it any longer. I want Adolpha to have fun with her friends and she might as well try cheerleading with some friendly faces surrounding her. I took a deep breath and wrote the check.

I told a friend today that I was taking Adolpha tonight and that I wasn't looking forward to it. She replied, "What's so bad about cheerleading?"

It's time for the SECOND ANNUAL I JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE LADIES NIGHT OUT! Mark your calendars for NOVEMBER 12TH! Last year was a terrific success and it's time to do it again! There are several cities hosting and hopefully you'll find one near you. If you're interested in hosting in your city, let me know and I'll get you on the list. Email me at jenthroatpunch@gmail.com.

If you're new around here and have no idea what I'm talking about, then read this:

Walmart Has Costumes for All the Fat Girls

Oh Walmart. What is wrong with you? I thought it was bad when your employee tried to have my husband arrested, but this time you've really offended me. Have you guys seen this?

Source: Jezebel

Yeah, a Jezebel reader found that Walmart had a subcategory for Fat Girl Halloween costumes. This ranks right up there with Target's plus size Manatee Grey maxi dress and Abercrombie & Fitch's genetically-engineered geriatric-dude-in-charge, Mike Jeffries saying only hot and cool people could shop at his store and Lululemon's co-founder blaming their shitty see-through product on overzealous wearing with a subtle nod to their customer's fat assery.

Have you seen the Potty Mouthed Princesses yet? There's a company called FCKH8.com who made this advertisement to help bring awareness to women's inequality. Sure this video is designed to sell t-shirts, but they're for a good cause and it's still awesome to watch because it's full of a bunch of little foul-mouthed sassy girls who drop more f-bombs than me.

I've never cared about baseball before. I've never liked watching baseball or playing baseball. I was raised by a dad who loooooved baseball though. Growing up on the east coast I attended quite a few Yankees games and then when we moved to Kansas City, my dad bought Royals season tickets for several years. I always took my friends to the games where we sat in the bleachers and ate nachos and gossiped. I never paid any attention to the Royals or what they were doing.

Until this year.

Well, really until late September of this year.

Kansas City is a town where our sports teams don't win much. But when we do, we come out in full force. This town has a lot of fair weather fans. But none as fair or as weathery as I.

That's right. I jumped on that blue and white bandwagon! I jumped on so far that I'm practically driving the wagon. My town has had a 29 year drought. The last time they won the World Series, I was completely unaware, because I was sitting in a dark movie theater watching the premiere of Back to the Future. We're finally getting someone to notice us. No longer are we a flyover state. People are actually stopping and watching the Royals play. Those guys are killing it and I am their biggest cheerleader (and good luck charm).

I just found the perfect Christmas gift for everyone my list. It's a rubber mushroom.

Farmer Jeanne and the Apple Orchard

Adolpha has gone on some crappy field trips before and I've always wanted her to go on a fun field trip like Gomer. Today she had a chance to go to the apple orchard just like Gomer did when he was in Kindergarten. We went to the same exact orchard, but this time it was a totally different experience than Gomer's.

There is never a place on the bus for a parent to ride and so I have to drive myself. I'm OK with this, because honestly, I would go nuts sitting on a noisy, bumpy bus for an hour long ride. It was actually really blissful to be in my car ALONE, listening to NPR or even riding in silence if I so chose.

I arrived at the orchard and I was told that our bus wasn't there yet and we couldn't enter the grounds until our kids arrived, because our teachers had our entrance passes. We hung out waiting for the buses. Finally, the buses pulled in and. . .sat. . .and. . .sat. The farmers told us that they had overbooked and so our kids needed to wait on the buses until the other groups got going.

$6 entrance fee to get yelled and I get 3 apples to take home? That's sounds fair.

Sorta Racist Lesbian Couple Sues Sperm Bank

There is a white lesbian couple who recently had a child with the help from a sperm donation company. They went through the donor profiles and picked Donor No. 380 - a white man. They received sperm from Donor No. 330 - a black man. So now they're suing the company for damages to ensure this never happens again.

The baby has been born. She's a little girl. She's two. She's biracial. Her lesbian mothers are suing because even though they "love" her and wouldn't "change" anything about her, they want damages.

Am I the only person who sees a problem here?

As the mother of biracial children (my children are half Asian half Caucasian) I am offended and insulted that these women see their biracial child as a mistake and something worthy of a lawsuit. They can yell from the rooftops about how much they love their little biracial daughter, but when they chose to bring a lawsuit, I have to call bullshit.

You Think You Have it Tough? You Have No Idea

Motherhood is hard. It's messy and exhausting and ... a little competitive. That's right. It can be kind of competitive. Every mom thinks that whatever stage she's in is the worst, but there's always another mom who lets you know that if you think that's hard ... you've got no idea.

Check out this funny video that my friends and I made about the crazy things moms have to put up with. I recruited some of my favorite bloggers to join me and I did this with a ton of help from Deva at MyLifeSuckers. You know Deva, right? She's the one who does all of the terrific viral parodies you keep seeing in your newsfeed.

If you like the video, be sure to share it, would ya? Thanks!

CLICK HERE IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE VIDEO

Did you watch all the way to the end? After the credits? I should have a competition to see who can say the name of my book properly. Let's say it together: People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges. That wasn't so hard, right?

Thank you to all of my friends who helped me make this video! Check out their blogs too:

Farah - HuffPost Parents
Stephanie - When Crazy Meets Exhaustion
Karen - Baby Sideburns
Deva - MyLifeSuckers
Kim - Let Me Start By Saying
Nicole - Nicole Leigh Shaw, Writer
Ilana - MommyShorts
Susan - Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Christine - Keeper of the Fruit Loops
Rebecca - Frugalistablog
Kerry - HouseTalkN
Ellen & Erin - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
Michelle - You're My Favorite Today
Sharon - Empty House Full Mind

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The Hubs Goes Shoe Shopping

After 11 years of marriage you would think I would have learned by now that I must double check anything the Hubs buys online that he thinks is a super duper deal.

Don't get me wrong. A lot of the time, he's an amazing bargain hunter. He finds $90 sweaters for $12 and we can never eat out unless he has a buy one/get one free coupon or the restaurant has a dollar menu. HOWEVER. He has a hard time reading the small print. He focuses a lot on the "original" price vs. the "sale" price and the rest of the details go by the wayside.

Kanye West thinks he's Jesus, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that over the weekend he tried to get a couple of disabled concert-goers to stand and listen to him sing.

That's right, this asshat was giving a concert in Australia and he stopped his concert because he wanted everyone in the room to stand. He refused to continue the concert until everyone stood up. He made a huge deal of singling out people, because that's what you do when you're so famous that you're out of touch with reality.

Once he had shamed the entire stadium into standing, he realized two people still weren't standing. Kanye was so perturbed by this obvious snub that he sent his body guard into the crowd to see why they weren't standing. Whoops. One had a prosthetic leg and one was in a wheelchair.

I've been working on this post in my head for quite a while now. I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to say. It started out as a rant about powerful men who have secret love children. Then I moved on to asshole politicians like this guy who think it's perfectly fine to tell women what they can and can't do with their bodies. And then there was this dummy: Anthony Weiner, who thinks every woman who follows him on Twitter wants actual junk mail from him. These types of men don't actually physically abuse women, but still use them and then lie about their actions to anyone who will listen.

All of these men abuse women in their own ways. They use women and degrade women and they marginalize women. These guys all suck, but they're not nearly as heinous as men like Chris Brown and now, Ray Rice.

It's here! It's here! It's here!

Last night the Hubs called our local Barnes & Noble to see if they had it yet. The lady on the other end of the phone said, "Yes sir, it's right here on our New Releases table. I can hold a copy for you."

YAHOOOOO!!

Yesterday people sent me screen shots of their emails from Amazon letting them know that their copy had shipped and would arrive sometime today.

I'd Like to Apologize in Advance for My Current and Future Behavior

Hiya! I'm not sure if you got the memo, so I'm going to go ahead and get you up to speed. On SEPTEMBER 9TH Random House published my new book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what the cover of the book looks like. You should be looking for this cover when you're looking for my book.

That's right, PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT: COMPETITIVE CRAFTERS, DROP OFF DESPOTS, AND OTHER SUBURBAN SCOURGES is here!

Yeah, can you believe it? I know, I know. It seems like I've been working on it FOREVER. Trust me. I get it. It's only taken a year to get this sucker done, but when you consider that it has been my dream to have Random House publish my book since I was about, oooooh five years old, then it seems like a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllly long time. But the good news is, it's finally here. That's right, folks, the time is nigh. (Nigh. That's my fancy I'm a published author vocabulary word for this post.)

I Don't Take Nudies. Do You?

OK, so a bunch of female celebrities took nude pictures of themselves and them uploaded them to the Cloud (whatever the hell that is) and then someone else (probably a dick-nosed teenager) hacked into the Cloud and released the pictures for the world to see and now the world is upset. Did I get that right?

I have some questions.

I think so.

1. Why is it always the ladies getting the nudies leaked? Where are the guys uploading theirs to? Would it kill a hacker to release a nude pic of Hugh Jackman or Henry Cavill or my new boyfriend Benny Cumberbatch? (Yes, I see the trend here, I really enjoy nice abs paired with an accent.) I'm appealing to the female hackers out there - find me a good dick pic, would ya? The closest we've come are Hamm-bone's freeballing paparazzi photos and while they're nice to look at, they're not quite the same.

Why I Hate Third Grade

The first day of school is when my OAM (OverAchieving Mommy) gene rears its ugly head. I always demand that the Hubs takes the kids' pictures before school and then we both drive them up to the school and take their picture in front of the building marquee that says FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and in their classroom at their desk and usually with their teacher. I don't get out an adorable handmade sign saying what grade they're in and what their favorite color and/or ice cream flavor is - I have my limits. I just want a couple of simple pictures to document the day.

I do like my pictures to look nice though, so I always pick out "first day of school outfits" for my kids.

This should be posted on the door of every third grade classroom.

Mom Gets Her Kid Kicked Out of School for Facebook Rant

Has your kids' school ever done something that just irks you? I bet they have. We've all been there, right? Do you complain to your friends and family a bit when something bothers you about school. I'm guessing you have. Did you ever take to Facebook and write a rant about the school? Maybe a few of you have. BUT, when you wrote that rant, did you tag the school? Yeah. Probably not. Because you know that if you tag a person or a page they will SEE what you wrote. Duh.

Out of the mouth of babes

Someone should have sent home a memo in the backpack of Ashley Habat's four-year-old telling her that. Oh wait. That's what started this whole mess.

The Idiot Parents of a Nine Year Old with a Machine Gun

WTF, America?

Let me see if I can follow this logic. We make laws to protect our children. They must be in carseats and seat belts. We bubble wrap every pointy surface in our home while they're learning to walk. We gate the staircases and we latch the cupboards. We buy bike helmets, elbow pads, wrist guards, knee pads, mouth guards, shin guards, life vests, floaties, and more. We can't leave them home alone or at the park or in the car for any period of time without being accused of abuse. We can't swear in front of them without someone calling the cops. We don't allow them to drive cars or vote until they're teenagers. We don't let alcohol touch their lips until they're young adults.

BUT we see nothing wrong with putting an UZI in the hands of a nine-year-old kid?????

Who thought this was a good idea? Someone did apparently.

Dating Naked Star is Mad Because We Saw Her Naked

I watch a lot of reality television. I have to . There's nothing else on anymore. What the hell happened to television? Now it's all a bunch of half naked women frolicking in a hot tub with some douchebag they hope will propose marriage to them based solely on their make out skills and bra size OR it's extreme cooking shows where contestants must prepare a ten-course meal over a cookstove in a gondola going to the top of a mountain using only four ingredients one of which is cow's bladder.

I pride myself on being choosy with my reality television watching, so it's no surprise that I've never seen VH-1's "Dating Naked." At first I wasn't sure what this show was about, but then I took a closer look at the title. Ohhhhhh. Yeah, it's pretty self explanatory. You really go on a date with a stranger and you're both naked. Sounds like a blast. What could possibly go wrong?

I Owe Benedict Cumberbatch an Apology

I owe Benedict Cumberbatch an apology. You see, before today, I just thought he was a good actor with a ridiculous mop of hair, chiseled cheekbones, and a silly name. Last night the Hubs and I finished watching the entire Sherlock Holmes series and I can't say that there was one time that my tummy fluttered or my heart beat faster when the camera closed in on that pasty face of his. I knew that the ladies of the web were agog over this man, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

Until today.

You Can't Drop F-Bombs at the Grocery Store

I read a story that made me sit up and say "What the fuck?"

So, this lady went grocery shopping with her family and another shopper overheard the first lady say, "Stop squishing the fucking bread." Ms. Nosybody thought the woman was talking to her kids, but the woman says she was talking to her husband. Either way. What the fuck?

Ms. Nosybody confronted the shopper and said, "You just said the f-word" and then called the cops!!

That's right, the fucking bread squisher lady got arrested for swearing.

Whaaaaaa?

Please return your fucking cart.

I Took the #Icebucketchallenge

Have you heard about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge yet? No? Well, let me enlighten you.

Let's start with ALS. You know what that is, right? It's amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gerhig's Disease, which is a debilitating progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. People with this illness eventually become paralyzed.

To bring more awareness and to raise money, the ALS Association is challenging people to dump a bucket of ice cold water over your head while you film it and then challenge your friends to do the same. The deal is if you take the hit and dump the water, you pledge to donate $10 to the ALS Association. If you wuss out, then you have to donate $100.

50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

STOP! SOME OF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD. DO NOT READ THIS POST. (I KNOW, I KNOW, THAT ONLY MAKES YOU WANT TO READ IT MORE, BUT REALLY - STOP.) THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. GO READ YOUR SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE PLEASE AND TRY AGAIN HERE TOMORROW. IF YOU STILL REALLY WANT TO READ THIS, THEN LET YOUR MOM READ IT FIRST AND LET HER DECIDE. I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SULLYING YOU.

ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ 50 SHADES OF GREY, GO BACK UNDER YOUR ROCK AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. THERE ARE A TON OF SPOILERS HERE.

ONE MORE. IF YOU ARE MY FATHER, DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL NOT GET IT AND THEN YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED WHEN I SEE YOU THE NEXT TIME.

A Greeter at Wal-Mart Tried to Have My Husband Arrested

Last night a greeter at Wal-Mart tried to have the Hubs arrested for abducting Adolpha.

Yup. That really happened.

The four of us went to Wal-Mart last night. We had some things to buy. After filling our cart, Gomer and I said we'd wait on line to make the purchases and the Hubs and seven-year-old Adolpha went to get the car.

When we got in the car, the Hubs asked me, "Did that greeter at the door accuse you of stealing Gomer?"

"What?" I asked. "I didn't even see a greeter."

"She asked me if I was being stolen!" Adolpha exclaimed.

"What are you talking about?" Gomer said.

"OK, so we were leaving the store and the greeter said 'have a nice night' or something like that," the Hubs said. "I replied but Adolpha didn't. No big deal, right? The next thing I know, I'm getting her in the car and the greeter is there!"

Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

And once again, one of my children has given me a complex with their unsolicited advice.

Tonight we took my in-laws to dinner and we were on our way home when Gomer started asking us 150 questions about absolutely NOTHING. He is in a phase right now where he asks questions about everything and it is driving me absolutely bonkers. I was sort of answering his random questions with random answers:

Gomer: What do you think that green building is over there?

Me: (Vaguely looking in the direction he's pointing.) Hmm...maybe they make salads there. (I'll say anything to stop the questions.)

Finally, he asked me a normal question:

42-Year-Old Women are HOT (No, That's Not a Typo)

A lovely man named Tom Junod wrote an article for Esquire magazine where he sang the praises of 42-year-old women. I'm not sure how young Tom is, but I'm imagining him as a strapping 19-year-old with a full head of hair, tight abs, and sparkly green eyes. Because according to him 42 is the most alluring and sexy age. That's right. He thinks 42-year-old ladies are MILFs. A lot of his reasoning has to do with feminism and life experience and a good sense of humor. I think. I had a hard time following the article, because all I could focus on was the fact that for once in my life I'm HAWT.

That's right, people. I am the hottest age evah. Suck it, forty-year-olds.

The Most Epic Bridezilla Ever

Many of us have been bridesmaids in our lives for friends and family members. Every bride thinks a bridesmaid should feel really special because she is one of the "chosen few." There can only be one . . . or four . . . or 15. . . of your closest friends to stand up with you in poufy taffeta ensembles and dyed to match shoes on the most important day of your life.

Sure most of the brides we stood up with were really cool to be around, but we've all had that one bridezilla friend. Y'know, that one who ran her wedding like a corporate board meeting where she handed out agendas and time tables for everyone that included times for them to "be on deck" for the photographer or gave each bridesmaid a bag of "must have" items like bendy straws (can't wreck the bride's lipstick when you're trying to keep her hydrated) or Shout Wipes (for when the bride is a moron and can't control her bendy straw and gets lipstick on her dress when the bendy straw falls out of her mouth and onto her dress).

Oh wait, that was me. I was that bride.

Yup, I was a bit of a psycho. In those days my job was to organize and plan board meetings for a large multi-national company in NYC and I pretty much ran my wedding like a board meeting. It might have been a little crazy for the people participating in the wedding, but I tell you what, my wedding ran like fucking clockwork. (Except for the damn cleaning crew that was supposed to clean the church. Instead my wedding party stayed behind and cleaned the church while the rest of us went to the reception! It still gets me mad when I think about that.)

Got Too Much Money? Kickstart This.

People have way too much money and no clue how to spend it.

Today I found out about the Potato Salad Kickstarter. I know it's been in the news for a while, but somehow I missed it. In case you did too I'll bring you up to date: this guy, Zack, really likes potato salad around the holidays, but he's never made it before. He decided to try and raise $10 on Kickstarter to buy the supplies to make potato salad. He wrote a funny little bit about how if you give him a buck he'll say your name while he makes his potato salad. It struck a nerve and went viral out of control. As of right this minute (10:55 am central time) he's raised $69,802.

Holy shit, right?

The Makers of the iPad Toilet

OK, just when I thought I'd seen it all, I find out there is an iPad Potty. It was actually just introduced at a trade show recently, but I'm sure it won't be long before it's available at a retailer near you.

It's been a while since I potty trained kids. I remember it took a long time and it wasn't fun. I remember there were plenty of boring moments watching my kids sit on the pot. I had two kids who required deep concentration to do their business and so books or even light conversation was discouraged.

The Hubs Tints Our Windows

What did you do over the weekend, Jen?

Oh, thanks for asking. It was a clusterfuck.

A few years ago we paid professionals to tint several windows in our house. We didn't have enough money to tint all of them at that time. Over the years we kept saying that we were going to have the tinting company come back out and tint the rest of the windows, but we've always found other ways to spend that money.

On Saturday the Hubs woke up and decided he needed to tint our windows. That day.

The Crumb Wars

There's a new war brewing on the internet and it's not about breastfeeding or clothes. This time it's all about CRUMBS!

Irritating, messy, nasty little crumbs that irritating, messy, nasty little children leave in restaurants, because apparently no one should ever drop a crumb on the floor of a restaurant!

Here's the deal: A couple of moms took their kids to a little local cafe for a snack one day. The cafe serves scones. You know what a scone is, right? It's a crumbly, dusty little biscuit thing. Not a messy food at all. Ha! Anyway, the moms bought some scones for their kids and the kids ate them. Well, not all of them, because they managed to drop a ridiculous amount of scone bits on the floor.

The scone drops upset the owner so much that she sent over one of her minions to vacuum up the mess because she "just spent $50" getting the carpets cleaned.

My Blogging Advice

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Source: Barnes & Noble

The apocalypse is coming! Take shelter! You've been warned!

The people who make that little bastard The Elf on the Shelf are at it again. They've got a new product: a Birthday Elf.

Yup. Now Santa's elves will fly down from the North Pole (wearing a cupcake around his belly for some reason) and help your child celebrate his/her birthday.

Jeremy Meeks the Smooth Criminal

The internets are abuzz today about the "sexy mugshot." Surprisingly it's a man. When I first saw the headline, I was sure it would be some scantily clad meth head chick with good hair or something.

Instead, I clicked the link and I immediately fell down into the deep blue wells that are Jeremy Meeks' eyes. Be strong, Jen! I thought. This guy is a dangerous felon and it's not just his chiseled cheekbones that make him wanted.

I wasn't the only one seduced by Jeremy's soft, full lips. There are over 15,000 comments on the Stockton Police Department's Facebook page that say things like "Is it illegal to be that sexy?" and "He got arrested for stealing the hearts of ladies!"

Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges is COMING!

So, in case you've missed the memo the 1,347 times I've sent it out, let me fill you in: I'VE GOT A BOOK COMING OUT IN SEPTEMBER.

Yeah, no big deal, right?

Are you kidding me?

Every time I think about September 9th, I find myself either laughing like a maniac, rocking in a corner close to tears, or trapped in the bathroom with nervous diarrhea.

I get this magazine delivered to my house every month. It's one of those glossy mags that you get for free because you live in the "right" zip code. There is absolutely no substance to it. It's full of ads for botox and vein treatments, chic women's clothing, and lists upon lists of restaurants and boutiques in the area that the publisher thinks I make enough money to frequent.

My closet looks just like this. Only everything is black...and it's messier...and not so organized...or spacious, but otherwise, just like this!

One of the columns in this magazine is an ongoing one where each month they single out some suburban woman and photograph her inside her closet wearing her favorite outfit.

The interview consists of questions like: What are you wearing? and What do you do during the day? It is always a hilarious read.

Mom of the Year: Janelle Ambrosia

Sorry fellas, it sounds like Janelle Ambrosia is taken. But the good news is, for a few bucks you can pretend like she's yours while she strips for you. However, I'm guessing she'll only strip for you if you're a white guy and it seems like she has a soft spot for cops.

Do you not know what I'm talking about? Well, watch this video of Janelle unleashing her racist psycho tirade on a black guy at the Dollar Store (sorry, Walmart, you missed out on this gem of a shopper).

The Lady Who Tied Her Baby to Her Wedding Gown

I realize that when you plan your wedding you can do whatever you'd like. You're the boss. It's your big day. Knock yourself out. I've seen brides wear black and grooms wear shorts. I've seen dogs who are best men and/or ring bearers. I've seen brides bow down to their husbands and practically swear fealty to them.

What I have never seen was a baby tied to the train of a bridal gown.

Have you seen this???

So, this lady somehow tied her one month old baby to the train of her wedding gown and then dragged her down the aisle behind her.

Why you ask?

Who the hell knows? It's the craziest thing I've seen at the wedding.

Gwyneth Paltrow is Hurting and It's All My Fault

You guys, I feel really bad today. Apparently, people like me (and you -- I'm not alone here) hurt Gwyneth Paltrow with our mean remarks about her. They're "dehumanizing" and make her feel just like a soldier who has gone through a terrible and bloody war.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, read this and then you'll be up to speed.

Wow. Right?

I had no idea Gwyneth took the comments of strangers on the internet to such deep levels inside of her.

RT Booklovers Convention 2014

Last week the Hubs and I attended the RT Booklovers Convention in New Orleans. I found this conference last summer when it was in Kansas City. I was able to attend one day and I sat in on several panels that all impressed me. The one that made the biggest impact on me was a group of YA authors that included Veronica Roth, Kami Garcia, and Melissa Marr. I was so impressed because they were so supportive of one other. I was also thrilled, because they were incredibly generous with their writing and publishing and marketing knowledge for the rest of us. I learned so much that day from every session I attended. I decided that no matter where RT went the following year, I'd go and I'd bring the Hubs. The agenda is massive and there are tons of great presentations, so I thought it would be best to divide and conquer.

We spent six days learning from authors, librarians, book sellers, book bloggers, and readers about how to write and market a best selling book. Oh and you get free books. It was like I won the lottery. The Hubs laughed, but I brought an empty suitcase with me just to bring home all of my free books.

My New Cover is Here!!!

You guys! I am grinning from ear to ear like an idiot, because today I get to share something really special with you: the cover for my BRAND NEW BOOK!!!

That's right, mark your calendars, folks, because People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges is coming!

I am so excited for and proud of this book! I've been working on it with my editor at Random House for a year now! It feels like forever, but it's finally here. Yaaaaaaay. This book is a hilarious collection of stories about living with the Hubs, Gomer, and Adolpha in suburbia with overachieving moms, douchey dads, and other annoying types you find in every cul-de-sac of America.

The book will be available September 9th, but if you think you might be too busy that day to get it, you should go ahead and pre-order it now. Then you can just mark that off your to-do list.

Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

I am so glad I am not 13 anymore. I would hate to be 13 again. I hated 13 so much that I am not looking forward to my kids being 13.

Today I was working in a public place when I was suddenly surrounded by a gaggle of giggy 13 year old girls. Pretty soon, a couple of surly 13 year old boys joined the gaggle and they became a full on group.

Felicia Smith - The Teacher Who Gives the Best Birthday Lap Dances

An article caught my eye this week and I had to share. Apparently there is a middle school teacher in Texas who gave her 15-year-old student a lap dance for his birthday in front of the class. Let me give you the Cliff's Notes: Felicia Smith is a middle school teacher who has been accused of giving her student a lap dance as a birthday gift after being convinced by her class to do so. She couldn't resist the pleas of her students and so she threw caution to the wind and popped her ass in a minor's face while he slapped it and his friends filmed it.


Now available for Children's Parties (source KHOU 11)

Call for Submissions

Have you figured out yet that I like publishing anthologies? Well, I do! I think anthologies are awesome, because I can put the book down and come back in a week and not have to remember which two fellas our plucky heroine is waffling between. I think anthologies are a terrific way to discover a new writer that I didn't know about before. I'm never bored reading an anthology because each chapter is a totally different voice from the one before it or the one after it.

So. Because I love publishing anthologies so much I've decided to publish another one. Nope. Scratch that. I've decided to publish two at once!

Live Free (and Compost) or Die

Today Mary and her kids showed me around the great state of New Hampshire. I've only ever driven through New Hampshire on my way to the outlets in Kittery, Maine so it was nice to see what treasures lurk just off the highway.

Mary's kids are on Spring Break (Winter Break? I don't know. Some break the whole state has off.) We decided we go to Dover to a children's museum her kids like.

We got to the museum and I fit right in. New Hampshire are my people. I've said before I dress/look like a plus sized model in an Eddie Bauer catalog - pg. 92 to be exact. The moms in New Hampshire look just like me. I was welcomed into a cocoon of fleece and canvas and sturdy, practical shoes today. It was like coming home. Ahhhh....no over achievers, right?

Open Letter to Rob Lowe

Rob Lowe has an interview in the New York Times Magazine titled Rob Lowe on the Problems With Being Pretty. Rob feels like no one took him seriously when he was a young heartthrob because he was too pretty and I don't think that was the case at all. I've written him a letter.

Conscious Uncoupling

I woke up this morning and learned a new phrase: "Conscious Uncoupling."

Do you know what that means? For the rest of us plebeians it means "divorce." However, for my favorite tree bark indulger, Gwyneth Paltrow, it also means divorce. But because she's Gwyneth, she has to call it something deep and spiritual and meaningful. She's not just getting a divorce like the rest of you, pond scum. She's Gwyneth and she does everything in her life with purpose and integrity ... and a PR team and a hair and make up person.

I'm never surprised when a celebrity splits. I always assume they will divorce at some point. I'm just surprised in the way it's done. I was riveted when Katie escaped her gilded cage while Tom was on a remote movie location and I was fascinated by Kim Kardashian's marriage that didn't even last long enough for her to receive the first sponsorship check from her elaborate wedding.

And today it's like Christmas. Today I awoke to find the Goop site completely crashed, but luckily, the Hubs had woken earlier than me and was holding me a spot, so I got to see this conscious uncoupling up close and personal.

"I'd tap that," Chris Martin.

When you first hit Goop to read Gwyneth's statement, you're met with a pop up box encouraging you to subscribe to her site so she can sell you things like a $900 throw that your kids will surely ruin with spilled juice. Hey, I don't blame her for that. She's going to be a single mom now and she needs to make some dollars to pay for her brick pizza oven.

I Just Want to Be Alone

I have big news, everyone! Remember last year when I put out the anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone? Have you read it yet? Yes? Great. Thank you. Did you leave a review yet? Because those things are ridiculously helpful to me and the Kick Ass Bloggers. Have you never read it? Why not? What are you waiting for? Are you new here and you've never heard of it? Well, first of all, welcome and second of all, you're going to want that book, so here's where you can get it. Plus, it's on sale, because the powers that be at Amazon deemed it so and I have no idea how long this sale will last, so you might want to hurry.

Because IJWTPA was such a fun thing and a great success I decided to do another one! Last time we wrote about our kids and never being able to pee alone. This time it's the men in our lives who just won't leave us alone. I don't know about you, but I crave me some alone time. I need it like men need sex. I just want a good book, a hot cup of tea, and an hour to myself. Hell, even twenty minutes to wander aimlessly through the aisles of Target alone without the Hubs saying "We don't need curtains" or "Skip the shoe aisle, we're on a time table here" or "Haven't you spent enough already?" would be fantastic.

Linda, Linda, Linda

Am I the only one who doesn't think this kid is cute?

If the video does not work - CLICK HERE.

This video has been making the rounds lately. The three-year-old boy in the video is usually described as "precocious" and a "tough negotiator." I don't see it. I see a little boy who wants what a lot of little kids want: a cupcake for dinner, and instead of being told why he can't have a cupcake for dinner, his mom (Linda) video tapes him on a tear to explain to her why he should get one. He interrupts her, he calls her by her first name, he talks back, and he argues with her.

Interview with Nikki From Moms Who Drink and Swear

Today I'm interviewing Nikki from Moms Who Drink and Swear. Nikki is one of the funniest, craziest, silliest, and kindest people I know. She wrote an essay for the new anthology I Just Want to Be Alone. It's called "BJs, Ball Punches, and Mayonnaise." It's one you won't want to read with anything in your mouth, because you will spit it out.

I'm not a journalist by trade (shocking, I know), so I realized that interviewing someone is really hard. I decided to avoid all of the usual author interview questions like, “Nikki, tell us an amusing story about marketing your books. Anything chuckle-worthy you'd like to share?”

Instead, I had an IM chat with her and asked the questions I really want to know:

The Man Who Called 911 About His Cat

It is indeed a sad day for humanity when a grown man must call 911 in regards to his cat. No, his cat wasn't stuck in a tree. His cat - a 22 pound Himalayan - had trapped the man, his girlfriend, his baby, and his dog in the bedroom and was behaving in a threatening manner.

Let me start from the beginning. The man and woman have a baby together. The baby yanked the cat's tail. Now, I don't know much about cats, but I do know they have nine lives, they always land on their feet, they hate water, and you should never, ever, ever, ever pull their tails. I guess the baby didn't get that memo. He yanked the cat's tail and so the cat turned on the baby. The frightened father kicked the cat in the ass, which further enraged the 22 pound kitty. The cat chased the man, woman, baby, and dog into the bedroom and then stood guard outside the door hissing at them every time they opened the door.

Rachel Canning

Have you heard about Rachel Canning yet? She's the spoiled suburban honor roll cheerleader who is trying to sue her parents for refusing to pay for her college tuition. Waaaah. I can just hear her whining, "But daaaaddddddy, I neeeeeed you to pay."

But Daddy doesn't want to pay, because when Rachel turned eighteen, she moved out of her parent's house and into her best friend's house.

Her parents say she decided that she didn't like their rules. Especially the one about some boyfriend they deemed too skeevy for their precious pumpkin, so they told her to dump him or get out. Rachel chose to get out.

What Happened to the Olympics?

Are you watching the Olympics? When I was a kid I loved to watch the Olympics. I dreamed of being a gymnast or an ice skater (until I realized how early they have to get up in the morning to train - isn't there an Olympic sport that trains between 11 am and 2 pm?). Can you imagine if snowboarding had been an Olympic sport back in the day? Every burner in my high school would have thought they might be an Olympic hopeful. Actually, the Olympics have made a pretty convincing argument for any teen caught getting high. In the wise words of my uncle, "People who think that smoking weed impairs your abilities has never watched Olympic snowboarding."

I Believe Dylan Farrow

Dear Dylan Farrow,

I read your letter.

I believe you.

I've always believed you.

I'm sorry that more people don't believe you.

snOMG!

This is a repost in honor of the SNOW that is coming for most of the country.

If you've been following my Facebook page, then you'll know that I'm in the midst of snOMG II. snOMG I hit us last week just after the kids had a five freaking day weekend. Now snOMG II hit us last night. Although the kids managed to make it to school yesterday, today we are home and who knows what tomorrow will bring? At this rate, we'll be heading back to school in time to get a week off for Spring Break!

Daddies Don't Deserve Medals

There is another awesome parent out there doing awesome parenting things on the internet and I'm giving this parent the slowest clap I can muster.

Have you seen this guy? I bet you have. There's a viral picture going around of a blogger dad doing his daughter's hair while holding another baby in a carrier. Ring a bell? That's because this picture is on fire.

No doubt, it's an adorable snap of a dad who is multi-tasking and getting the job done for his kids.

HOWEVER, the world is lining up to give this guy a fucking medal for the ah-may-zing task of brushing a head of hair while another kid is strapped to his chest. He may not have "asked" for it or he might not "want" it, but the internet is vomiting on themselves to be the first to congratulate him and give him kudos for going above and beyond or whatever it is that they think he's done.

I am not hating on this guy in particular. I've got nothing against him and his picture. I'm irritated with the way we're acting about his picture. I am hating on the fact that we put dads on pedestals for doing ordinary things. This is just something I've been thinking for a while and this picture is just what finally made me react.

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