The Best Hate Mail I Received (This Week)

I am not everyone's cup of tea. I will admit to that. I don't expect for everyone like my brand of humor. It's not for everyone.

Every week I get several emails and comments telling me what an unfunny, vulgar, opinionated, judgmental, bitchy asshole I am. I have been told I should have never had children. I have been told that the Hubs is the dumbest man on the planet for marrying me, because I am a nightmare. I have received death threats, but the worst are the comments about my children's made up names. Who knew the names "Gomer" and "Adolpha" could cause such a fervor?


I thought I'd seen all forms of negative comments, trolls, haters, whatever you want to call them.

Until this week.


Let me set the scene:

It was a dark and rainy night when the UPS store contacted me. I have a PO box there and they were letting me know that I'd received a package. During the Christmas season, my friends and I do a Secret Santa gift exchange. We send mugs to one another. I've been dying for my mug to arrive and I was POSITIVE the package was my mug.

I ran out into the dangerous night, leaving the Hubs behind to take care of the kids.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"My mug is here! I've got to go!"

I drove like a mad woman to the UPS store, imagining the hot cup of tea I would enjoy in my new mug. Then I started debating if I should have tea or chai. Maybe go wild and have hot cocoa? I mused, narrowly missing the curb as I screeched into the parking lot, just moments before the UPS store closed for the night. "I made it!" I exclaimed as I burst through the doors.

I ran to my box and flung open the door only to find two very flat packages in there. Hmmm, I thought. Unless my Secret Santa sent me a blow up mug, I didn't get a mug.

I pulled out the packages and I noticed that one of them was ripped. I could see a flash of blue through the tear and I immediately recognized the cover of my People I Want to Punch in the Throat book. I didn't think it was that strange to receive a copy of my own book. People have been mailing them to me to sign and mail back, but usually the owner lets me know the book is coming and arranges for shipping back and no one had given me a heads up.

I tore into the package and my book dropped out on the counter. A card was tucked into the pages. I opened the card and read it.


Dear Ms. Mann-


I am returning this book to you. I bought it thinking it would be some light-hearted reading - I did not make it through the first chapter. Your excessive use of vulgar language stopped me from being entertained. I had a great LADY tell me once that use [sic] profanity shows lack of an intelligent vocabulary - so true in this book.


I don't want any $ back, I don't want the book back - just don't want to waste my time. As you said in your acknowledgements "sorry to your Mom."

-- Michelle [Last name withheld because I'm not a total dick.]

Whoa.

Snail. Mail. Hate. Mail.

You guys. I have arrived!

Next stop is the banned book list!!! I can feel it!

Thank you, Michelle Last Name Withheld. Thank you for not wasting any more of your precious time. I mean, AFTER you bought the book, struggled to get through the first chapter, turned your nose up at my vulgarity, found a card (that eerily resembles your sandy vagina), wrote the card (with impeccable handwriting, BTW), found an envelope big enough for everything to fit nicely, Googled my blog, tracked down my mailing address on the blog, addressed the envelope, went to the Post Office during the busiest time of year for them where I'm guessing you waited a good 15 minutes to buy postage, handed over the package to the mailman and said, "Phew! Glad I'm not wasting ANY MORE of my precious time on that piece of trash book!"

Now, I'm sure that Michelle was hoping that her package would ruin my day.

Or make me think about putting the kibosh on my swearing.

But, as I wrote on page 4 of People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges: "People I Want to Punch in the Throat -- A Short List: People who tell me not to swear so much. Oh, fuck you, too."

Unfortunately for Michelle, I got such a laugh from her letter. I could practically hear her teeth gnashing as she wrote that letter and the soft clink of her pearls dangling around her dainty neck. Sorry, Michelle, it takes a lot more than a letter like this to ruin my day.

I'm going to take Michelle's lemons and turn them into lemonade for one of you lucky readers! I'm going to take the book that Michelle sent back to me and I'm going to GIVE IT AWAY just in time for the holidays.

If you want a chance to receive this book, leave me a comment on the blog, or Facebook, or Twitter and tell me why YOU would actually appreciate this book and would never, ever mail it back to me. I'll pick a random winner on Sunday night and post the name here and on Facebook. (US residents only please, the postage anywhere else will cost more than the actual book.)

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Or Instagram! Yeah, I caved. I'm on the 'gram. Isn't that what the cool kids call it?

31 comments:

Denise G said...

You're book is on my "to-read" list!! It would be the perfect gift for me this Christmas as it would help me survive time with my messed up in-laws! Oh please help me out!! I would never mail it back! (I've been a fan of yours for years.)

Linda Roy said...

I already have the book, and no, I'm not returning it. If anything, my question is - am I still eligible for a signed book plate?

Ah, Michelle, Michelle. You just got "punched". ;)

Unknown said...

Your book would help me through the miserable winter, but it would be an exercise in futility to put it on my Christmas list and no one in my little town is going to donate it to the library or thrift store so that I can read it.

Nicole said...

Because everything in life is better with a well timed or well placed "fuck you". And since I appreciate that, I'm sure I will appreciate your book. Thank you!

Unknown said...

I already have the book. And oddly enough it so far has led me to believe that you are a funny, vulgar, opinionated, judgmental, bitchy asshole, which is exactly PERFECT! Too many people are not willing to say what they feel. Usually by holding that kind of shit in, they wind up having their assholes explode in great plumes of incoherent ramblings.
Your reaction to this charmingly inbred LADY is perfect for letting her know she is as useless as toilet paper to a person with no anus. I love the book so far(a few chapters in), and look forward to finishing it soon.

Jonaessa said...

As this is still on my list of books to read if I ever have a minute to myself where I am not being called on to answer the "mommy problems" of my house, I can assure you I will not be returning it. Fingers crossed!

Full Spectrum Mama said...

I want it. I want it SO BAD.
OOOH baby, give it to me.
(*(*&$%#@$%#$#$&**)$in Do It.

Anonymous said...

I've loved your sardonic wit and pervasive use of fuckwords since I found your blog at the beginning of this year. Any BOOK containing that much sarcasm AND pervasive use of fuckwords would be cherished for a LIFETIME! I would also probably never lend it out for fear of NOT getting it back! MAKE MY CHRISTMAS!! :)

The Schnabel Girls said...

Exciting! Dumba$$ Michelle! I hope I win!!!

Kim Hodge said...

I would never send your book back because I appreciate your humor, your vulgarity, and your realness. I will match your "fuck you, too" and raise you a "go straight to hell Michelle".

Amanda said...

Send the book to me because I REALLY want to read it, but in all honesty, I don't want to spend the money on it because I buy my kid too much unnecessary crap! Even though it is not very expensive, those few extra dollars I will save can go toward more junk at the dollar store to reward my kid when she's not being a total pain in the ass! I appreciate your humor (which is much like my own) and since I never get anything for myself, I would never mail the book back to you. It would be a privilege to receive a gift I can actually enjoy during the couple of minutes I have to myself while I take a crap.......you know, Mommy time! The whole time I’m reading my free book, I will constantly remind myself that the douche lady that sent the book back to you was my gain......dumbass lady :)

Unknown said...

You are hilarious. You should totally send me the book because I fucking love the power of female vulgarity and the fact that it causes people like Mrs. Pearl-necklace (see what I did there) to get their panties bunched up just a little bit more! It will sit on my coffee table where it belongs and allow all of my other awesome fucking friends to appreciate it as well. Happy Fucking Holidays to you and to Pearl-Necklace!

squidsrus said...

The holiday throat-punching book is already much-loved at my house. If I got this one, I would pet it and pat it and hug it and name it George and never ever send it back. Also, fuck.

ecodrew said...

Here's hoping sharing my new favorite vulgarity earns me a copy of your book... Ankle: an·kle noun \ˈaŋ-kəl\ Someone who is two feet lower than a cunt. Example: That Michelle is such an ankle.

Unknown said...

I can't tell you how my heart fluttered and my face lit up when I read that you were giving Michelle Stick-up-her-butt's book away. I'll bet I was even more excited than you were when you sped to the UPS store (narrowly missing the curb) to pick up your mug. I need something to read that isn't historical (Game of Thrones) Plus, I'm the one that posted the picture on your blog of the two great dogs that ate the Elf on the Shelf. I should get points for that, right? Thanks Jen!

Unknown said...

Fuck that bitch! I would fucking love your book! It would be the best fucking present under the fucking Christmas tree!!!

Unknown said...

I had my library buy a bunch of copies when your book came out and I keep checking it out to read over again. Would LOVE a copy of my very own!

Anonymous said...

I would love to give this book to my sister.
Mary Powell
[email protected]

Suzanne said...

I need your book, and I would love it so much if my copy happened to be the one mailed back to you in pompous protest to your awesome brand of humor! I'd even send Ms. Michelle Name-Withheld a thank you note if I could get my hands on her address.

mspice3 said...

I already have it for my Kindle but I'd take a fucking hard copy if you're giving the fucker away...biotch!

KayLynn said...

Good lord that woman needs a stick ass ectmy .. Some of the classiest ladies around claim fuck as their favorite word. So fuck that snotty bitch and I'll take her book!

Denise said...

I would never return your book, but I do occasionally donate books to libraries when I'm done with them. All in the spirit of sharing the love. Or punches and vulgarity.

Alessa said...

Before I read to the end of the post I was going to say heck I’ll pay you to send me her copy of that book. I would keep this book. Clutching my precious pearls is too tiring and I’m lazy. ��

Susie said...

I have loaned out my own copy of this book so many times I need another copy to keep on my shelves! And when you send it to me, I want you to sign it, "Susie, You deserve this book more than Michelle!"

deechemist said...

I simply adore you!☺️ You can send me just about any of your returns or hand-me-downs! You do you, Jen Mann!!

Unknown said...

I would love to have the book because you remind me of my youngest daughter, regarding telling it like it is. I lost her in January of 2018 at the age of 29, due to diabetes type I complications. She would have loved your sense of humor, as do I.

Dyanne @ I Want Backsies said...

To quote Chrissy Teigen, what a pussy ass bitch! (Michelle Name Withheld, not you 😜). Send me da book, please! I will kiss it and love it and squeeze it and hug it and call it George....

Unknown said...

Because though I dont agree with you on everything i as well say fuck to much. And I had to cancel my kindle unlimited subscription so i need something to read :)

Unknown said...

Oh Jen from one swearer to another some people just dont get it - but I would like to get the offensive book!

Rachell said...

Someone needs to remove that stick from Michelle’s ass. But seriously, I’d gladly accept her unwanted book. I’m a mom of 4 girls, 15 year old twins, a 13 year old, and an almost 3 year old (nope, no thinking involved that night). I need a slight reprieve from the daily daughter drama!

Cynda said...

I already have signed copy and ebook and Audible book. I would like to give this to a friend of mine that lost 40 years of paper backs and hard copies in the Camp Fire in Paradise. She would get a kick out of this funny as hell fucking book. ������

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