The Crumb Wars

There's a new war brewing on the internet and it's not about breastfeeding or clothes. This time it's all about CRUMBS!

Irritating, messy, nasty little crumbs that irritating, messy, nasty little children leave in restaurants, because apparently no one should ever drop a crumb on the floor of a restaurant!

Here's the deal: A couple of moms took their kids to a little local cafe for a snack one day. The cafe serves scones. You know what a scone is, right? It's a crumbly, dusty little biscuit thing. Not a messy food at all. Ha! Anyway, the moms bought some scones for their kids and the kids ate them. Well, not all of them, because they managed to drop a ridiculous amount of scone bits on the floor.

The scone drops upset the owner so much that she sent over one of her minions to vacuum up the mess because she "just spent $50" getting the carpets cleaned.

Elf on the Shelf Birthday Elf

Source: Barnes & Noble
The apocalypse is coming! Take shelter! You've been warned!

The people who make that little bastard The Elf on the Shelf are at it again. They've got a new product: a Birthday Elf.

Yup. Now Santa's elves will fly down from the North Pole (wearing a cupcake around his belly for some reason) and help your child celebrate his/her birthday.

Jeremy Meeks the Smooth Criminal

The internets are abuzz today about the "sexy mugshot." Surprisingly it's a man. When I first saw the headline, I was sure it would be some scantily clad meth head chick with good hair or something.

Instead, I clicked the link and I immediately fell down into the deep blue wells that are Jeremy Meeks' eyes. Be strong, Jen! I thought. This guy is a dangerous felon and it's not just his chiseled cheekbones that make him wanted.

I wasn't the only one seduced by Jeremy's soft, full lips. There are over 15,000 comments on the Stockton Police Department's Facebook page that say things like "Is it illegal to be that sexy?" and "He got arrested for stealing the hearts of ladies!"

Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges is COMING!

So, in case you've missed the memo the 1,347 times I've sent it out, let me fill you in: I'VE GOT A BOOK COMING OUT IN SEPTEMBER.

Yeah, no big deal, right?

Are you kidding me?

Every time I think about September 9th, I find myself either laughing like a maniac, rocking in a corner close to tears, or trapped in the bathroom with nervous diarrhea. 

Inside MY Closet

I get this magazine delivered to my house every month.  It's one of those glossy mags that you get for free because you live in the "right" zip code.  There is absolutely no substance to it.  It's full of ads for botox and vein treatments, chic women's clothing, and lists upon lists of restaurants and boutiques in the area that the publisher thinks I make enough money to frequent.

My closet looks just like this.  Only everything is black...and it's messier...and not so organized...or spacious, but otherwise, just like this!
One of the columns in this magazine is an ongoing one where each month they single out some suburban woman and photograph her inside her closet wearing her favorite outfit.

The interview consists of questions like:  What are you wearing? and What do you do during the day?  It is always a hilarious read.

Mom of the Year: Janelle Ambrosia

Sorry fellas, it sounds like Janelle Ambrosia is taken. But the good news is, for a few bucks you can pretend like she's yours while she strips for you. However, I'm guessing she'll only strip for you if you're a white guy and it seems like she has a soft spot for cops.

Do you not know what I'm talking about? Well, watch this video of Janelle unleashing her racist psycho tirade on a black guy at the Dollar Store (sorry, Walmart, you missed out on this gem of a shopper).

The Lady Who Tied Her Baby to Her Wedding Gown

I realize that when you plan your wedding you can do whatever you'd like. You're the boss. It's your big day. Knock yourself out. I've seen brides wear black and grooms wear shorts. I've seen dogs who are best men and/or ring bearers. I've seen brides bow down to their husbands and practically swear fealty to them.

What I have never seen was a baby tied to the train of a bridal gown.

Have you seen this???

So, this lady somehow tied her one month old baby to the train of her wedding gown and then dragged her down the aisle behind her.

Why you ask?

Who the hell knows? It's the craziest thing I've seen at the wedding.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf . Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'...

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