Governor Sam Brownback AKA "Baby Brownback"

Wah!  What a complete and total baby!  Once again, I am amazed by how ridiculous elected leaders in our country behave.  A few days ago an 18 year old girl from my area went to Topeka for a field trip.  Her class had to endure some dumb comments made by Sam Brownback, our illustrious governor and wannabe President that nobody wanted.  Emma Sullivan, the girl, was bored by Brownback's comments so she tweeted a joke to her friends:  “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.”  

Believe it or not, Brownback's staff actually searches daily for offensive and disrespectful comments made about Brownback on the 'net.  What a complete douche bag.  As a tax paying citizen of Kansas, I am infuriated that this is actually part of someone's job description and that my tax dollar are paying for it.  

After Brownback cried to his mommy, I mean Communications Director, this woman contacted Emma's school and demanded an apology for being "disrespectful" and her school is pressuring Emma to do it.  WTF?  Is this 1939 Berlin?  

First of all, why is the school even involved?  Yes, this was a school field trip, but Emma has parents and if you have a problem with Emma it needs to be taken up with her parents not her school!  Unless Brownback is sending a clear message to our school districts:  We are watching you and if you want our funding you will keep your students in line.  

If Emma was my daughter she'd be in trouble for lying (she didn't actually talk to him).  We'd talk about how the Internet is forever and not at all private - if she puts something out there, she'd better be prepared to defend it.  But she would NOT write an apology.  In fact, I'd go to battle with the school over that one.  They could kick her out for all I care and I could join the millions of homeschoolers in my great state - only I'd teach evolution and sex ed.  

The second problem I have is that Brownback's office is trolling the Internet looking for anything that might tarnish his image.  You can't just silence someone who doesn't like you, Brownback.  

And my third problem is, how did they find Emma?  Most teenagers that I know have their Twitter, Facebook, et al. accounts locked down so that only their friends can know who their full names.  How did Brownback's office find out her name?  As a parent this would frighten me.  If Brownback can find her, any perv can.

It just seems like Brownback is reaching and really abusing his power.  Fuck you, Baby Brownback and your little minions too.  

What happened to freedom of speech?  Since when can't we tell our politicians what we think of them?  Sure, it was a tad immature, but she's a high school kid!  And at the end of the day, Brownback DOES blow and I'm thrilled she knows it.  I live in Kansas where I feel like I'm surrounded by a right-wing Christian army of lemmings all waiting to jump over God's cliff when the anti-Christ comes to Planned Parenthood, so it is nice to see a girl who realizes Brownback DOES suck and isn't good for our state.  After all, what companies would want to bring their headquarters to a state with such a record for ignorance?  

You know, I WISH Emma had been able to tell him he sucks, because it would have been refreshing for someone to tell him to his face instead of having to blog about it and then be threatened by his office, which by the way makes him even more immature than Emma.  How old are you, Brownback?  You're an elected politician.  If you can't take heat from a random 18 year old and her silly tweet, then how can you be expected to do your job?    

Since Emma didn't have time and now it appears she'll probably be hit with a gag order, I'm going to tell you all the reasons why I think Brownback sucks and I dare him to tell his Communications Director to tell her assistant to tell a staffer to tell an intern to call me (eh, they'll probably call my daddy or my husband since I'm a silly woman) and demand an apology.  

I am a registered voter in Kansas.  I am an adult with an opinion that I like to share.  I believe in the Constitution and the freedom of speech.  I'm not yelling "Fire" in a movie theatre, I'm just saying "Bite me, you pussy."

Brownback has cut all of our state's funding for the arts (the only state in the union without it), he's so pro-life he's actually taken out ads saying Romney isn't and thinks a woman who was raped should be forced to keep the child (Fuck you very much on that one, Governor), he voted to ban gay marriage and called it a social experiment (But when hetero divorce is at 50% THAT'S not an experiment.  Nope, people are really taking those vows seriously unlike the gays would.), he must really have a hard on for gays, because he also voted no on adding sexual orientation to hate crimes (I guess gays just have it coming?), he voted to loosen restrictions on cell phone wire tapping (I can expect that tomorrow, I'm sure), he does not believe in evolution and refuses to fund the classes in our schools (And don't worry, folks, sex ed will be next), he voted against background checks at gun shows and he was given a 100% rating by the Christian Coalition for his pro-family voting record ('nuf said).  You can see his complete record here.

You might wonder why I stay here if I'm so displeased with my Governor.  

Well, I live in my own little bubble here in Kansas.  I live in a beautiful city where the cost of living is low so I can afford a lovely home and I can travel and get the hell out of town when I want (or pay for an illegal abortion, if necessary).  My kids attend award winning schools and I just teach them evolution and sex ed at home.  I can afford to be self-employed in Kansas and work from home - the best of both worlds for my family values.  

I've lived in other cities around the country and it isn't any better.  Kansas is just the lesser of the evils for me.  

Even though Emma probably wasn't as polite as she should have been, at least she wasn't this bad.

Continuing Education

I have to take continuing education every year to keep my job.  It's a necessary evil.  There are many places I could do it.  I could go to a professional school and pay, I could pay and listen to the lesson online and take a test to prove I listened or I could go for free to the real estate commission and take the class there.  If the class still has room, I typically go to the free one.  I hate going there though, because you're treated like a criminal the entire time and you're surrounded by nutjobs.

The commission has a strict policy for what time they start and if your butt is not in a seat, you don't get credit.  Period.  The last time I went, I got there 1 minute (no exaggeration at all) past the start time and they would not let me in the room.  Because I'm a total procrastinator when it comes to CE and my license was going to expire at the end of that week I didn't have any other choice than to throw a hissy fit in the middle of the commission and beg them to open the doors.  The women there just stared at me like I was a 4year old having a temper tantrum (I'm sure that's what I looked like - I was desperate after all) but wouldn't let me in the room.  I finally left in a huff - mostly irritated with myself for being late and screwing up, but a little mad at them for not letting me in. I have no love loss for the commission.  I went home and had to plunk down 40 bucks to take the class online and take a test.  Ugh. I hate tests.

This time I left the house an hour before the class started (I live 20 minutes away.  Max.).  I didn't want to take any chances this time.  I got there plenty early and had my pick of seats in the room.  I realized that I didn't have my glasses (I don't wear them all the time) and so I needed to sit near the front so I could see the board.  I sat in the second row on the aisle seat since I'm a lefty.  I hate when my elbow bumps into my neighbor's.  I busied myself with reading the rules of the day:

1.  Turn off all cell phones, PDAs, iPads, any electronic device.
2.  NO talking or whispering.
3.  You must be inside the room when the class begins and you must return from all breaks with plenty of time before the class begins or you will not get credit.

The room started filling up and a older woman with a typical "Realtor look" (puffy, helmet hair, Chico's-type clothing with a few too many accessories and a lot of makeup) sat down next to me. She had a Bluetooth earpiece in.  I've always had a pet peeve for those things.  I just want to say, "Beam me up, Scottie!" whenever I see someone with those things in their ears.  She was chatting away on her ear piece:

"Good morning!  I hope you are ready for a productive day!"  (WTH???)  "I won't be in this morning since I'm in class so you'll need to make the coffee.....Yes, I know I have a lot to do today, but what can I do?  I have to take this class.  I'll just have to really hit it hard this will be tough for me to just sit here and not do anything.  I'll just have to though. "  She glances at me to see if I'm listening.  Right then I thought to myself, Liar!

I would bet just about any amount of money that she was talking to herself.

"I'm going to need your help this morning.  I'm going to need 5 CMAs for Mike, Rob, Sam, Joe and Larry, because y'know, I'm going to list all their houses next week."  Bullshit.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  No one is going to list their house the week of Thanksgiving, let alone 5 people!  This woman was putting on a show for the rest of us.

"I'm also going to need 3 or 4 buyer agencies written up for those buyers I'm meeting with tonight."  What???  No way, no now.  You would know EXACTLY how many buyers you are meeting with tonight and you'd never stack 3 OR 4 on top of each other.

At this point, I just turn in my seat and stare at her.  I'm not going to eavesdrop anymore, I'm just going to make her lie to my face.  I'm positive now that she's calling her voice mail and leaving all this on her own machine.

She has to hang up now, because the class is getting ready to start.

The class starts and I count not 1, but FIVE people who come in the room in the first 5 minutes of the lecture.  I am irritated, but I ignore this blatant breaking of rule 3.  One of the latecomers slides into the aisle in front of us to take an open chair.  She has a huge purse and she accidentally knocks over Bluetooth Lady's hot coffee and spills it all over her Chico's-type outfit.

"Mother of God!" Bluetooth shouts.

Big purse turns around, "Oh, man, did I do that?"

"Of course you did!"

"Oh.  Wow.  OK."  Wow.  That was bold.  I don't like Bluetooth Lady that much either, but I would apologize if I spilled hot coffee all over her.  I'd also try to find something to mop up the coffee with.  Not this chick.  She just sat down and got ready for business.

The instructor is staring daggers into Big Purse and Bluetooth Lady.  Big Purse sits down in her chair while Bluetooth wrings out her top.  Bluetooth looks at me and says, "Can you believe she did that?  She didn't even apologize."  I put my finger to my lips.  No talking or whispering.  I'm not going to get thrown out of this class for you, Bluetooth Lady.

Within two minutes of Big Purse sitting down her phone starts shrieking.  And I mean shrieking.  She has recorded children yelling or singing (I can't tell the difference) and that is her ring tone.  She starts messing with the phone trying to turn it off.  She looks like something out of a comedy movie.  She throws it in the bottom of her enormous purse, but we can still hear it.  She pulls it out and pushes all the buttons and actually increases the volume.  She actually sits on it!!  No one's butt is big enough to silence that phone.  Finally, she stands up and ducks into an adjacent room.  She fumbles with it for another minute until finally the instructor yells at her.  She comes back in the room and now her phone is in pieces.  She had to take the battery out to make it stop.  Genius.

Speaking of Genius, here are some of the discussion questions we had in class that day.  Three mind-numbing hours of questions like:

(Remember, these are experienced Realtors.)

"So....if I don't have a written and signed contract between a buyer and a seller, someone can back out?"

"Wait a minute, FSBOs (For Sale By Owners) aren't listed by Realtors?"  (Yes.)  "Oh, OK, so where do I find those in MLS (Multiple Listing Service - used only by Realtors)."

"I live in Kansas and I sell in both Kansas and Missouri.  I need to pay taxes in both states?  Oh crap.  Yeah, I've never done that before.  My accountant never mentioned it.  I'm sure I don't owe much.  Eh.  It will be fine."  (I didn't have the heart to say you must also pay a separate tax on any property you sell in Kansas City, MO.)

"I usually sell residential, can I sell commercial?"  (Yes, a real estate license can be used for selling residential real estate AND/OR commercial real estate.)  "Oh, OK, cool.  Wait, but a commercial real estate agent can't sell residential right?"

"You really think we should give our advice to our clients?  Hmm...I really hate giving my opinion.  I could be wrong."  (What are you getting paid for then?)

And my favorite.  We were talking about personal safety and I was shocked and horrified to find out how many of my fellow Realtors carry concealed handguns when they're showing houses.  Can you deduct that as a business expense???  I need to call my accountant!

Michelle (The Uterus of Steel) and Jim Bob (Super Sperm) Duggar

Seriously, Michelle and Jim Bob?  Can't you two just keep it in your pants for once?  It was weird and sort of interesting when you had 14 kids, but now you're just reaching carnival freak level.  I think Jim Bob is a controlling Jesus-freak who believes he's a god on Earth lording over his own little Duggar Country.  I can't even find a hint of a person there that I could understand or communicate with, so I'll talk to Michelle.  We're both women, we're both mothers.  I've seen pictures of her before she started perming her hair at home and watching Jim Bob at all times for any sign of displeasure.  She once looked normal and fun and happy, surely we can find common ground.

I just have a couple of questions for Michelle:

1.  Do you wear adult diapers every day? I've only had two kids and let me tell ya, there have been more times than I'd like to admit that I have had trouble getting to the bathroom in time.  My bladder is not as strong as it once was and it degraded exponentially with each child.  I can't imagine what yours must be like.  You must just walk around with full pants all damn day.  If not, then maybe I should rename this post Bladder of Steel.

2.  Do you ever tell Jim Bob you have a headache?  Seriously, woman.  Your hoohaw must be barely recovered from birthing the last baby before Jim Bob comes around again looking for nooky.  Would it kill you to take a night off and give him a bottle of Lubriderm and tell him even God got to rest?

3.  Do you ever get to choose the name of the kids?  I've only watched a couple of episodes and every time you guys were deciding on names for the newest arrival (shocker) and "Daddy," as we all like to call him, was giving everyone a chance to vote, but his vote was supreme.  And that bastard went against the majority and picked his own choice every time.

4.  What's with the "J"s?  I'm assuming it's because Jim Bob is a narcissist.  But let's face it, you are running out of options and at this point, you're just making names up ("Joy-Anna" and "Jinger").  Plus, you've got a lot of variations on the same name:  Joy-Anna, Johannah, Jana.  And really, you went with Jinger before Jennifer?  You still had perfectly good "J" names left, you didn't need to start butchering the "G"s.

5.  Do you have a clause in your contract with TLC that for every kid featured on the show you get more money?  For me, it's the only logical reason to have 20 kids.

6.  Could you tell your silly son to get his own shtick?  I saw him on the Today show yesterday with his two kids (20 months apart!!) with names starting with "M".  Stop that nonsense right now.  I barely want to watch your show, there's no way I'm going to watch a show about him.

7.  Do you worry at all about the world's population and the strain it causes on the natural resources?  Or do you think God will just make the planet bigger to accommodate good Christians who choose not to use birth control?

8.  Do you worry at all about your health or, more importantly, the health of your baby?  That last one should have given you enough of a scare to get a hysterectomy.  That baby barely survived and you barely survived.  You want to live the Little House on the Prairie life well let me tell you, you would have died on the Prairie, Ma, and so would your baby.  Who will take care of your 19 children if you die during childbirth?  Not Jim Bob, that's for damn sure.  That's women's work.  Good thing you have so many daughters.  I guess they can just step in.  They're technically raising most of the other younger kids already, so it won't be too different I guess.

9.  Do you worry about the example you are setting for your daughters?  Are they looking forward to their lives as baby factories and dairy producers?  Not to mention professional homeschoolers and laundresses.  I don't see many other options available for your girls.  I don't see anyone encouraging them to follow their dreams.  I'm sure you've got one or two who dream of being full time mothers to a large brood and that's fine, but I KNOW there has to be at least one trying to figure out how to get out of the hell hole known as Duggar Country.  I know there's at least one daughter dreaming of going to away to college to study something other than Bible Studies, or one thinking of running off to Hollywood or one that just wants a cute little pixie cut!

10.  Why are you so damn ultra competitive when it comes to birthing babies?  Why do you have to push your 45 year old self to have yet another baby?  I think I know. You've got a daughter in law now with two babies just 20 months apart.  She's on your heels.  Do you feel that pressure?  Are you playing the odds?  Hoping Anna will give up after 12 and cry "uncle"?  Hoping Anna's uterus will give out on number 15?  Hoping Anna's 45 year old eggs will be too old and dusty to get the job done?

Chill out, Michelle. Take a break.  Put those feet (and constantly swollen ankles) up and breathe.  You've got this.  You are the winner.  No one (except maybe your own family members) wants to even try to give you a run for your money.  You have the greatest uterus and possibly, bladder, that ever lived, now put it to pasture and call it a day.

Whoever Funded the Recent Study on Hot Dogs

Hey, did you hear?  If your child eats a hot dog every day of his/her life she raises her chances of colon cancer.  Really?  Wow, I had no idea eating a hot dog every day of your life was bad for you.  Next you're going to tell me that Happy Meals are not healthy either (I always order Apple Dippers - caramel's healthy, right??).

What the hell is wrong with people?  Who thinks funding research into studies about health and hot dogs was a good idea?  I mean we ALL know what hot dogs are made out of.  No one even thinks for a second that there might be anything remotely healthy about a hot dog - ESPECIALLY if you eat one every day.

NOT "healthy" food

This reminds me of a few years ago when they came out with microwave popcorn will cause lung cancer.  There was a man who ate TWO BAGS of microwave popcorn A DAY and when it would come out of the microwave he would inhale the toxic aroma before he'd ingest the "butter flavor" coated popcorn.  After 5 years of this, he developed a rare form of lung cancer.  DUH.

You would have to live under a rock to think that things like daily hot dogs, twice daily microwave popcorn, daily chocolate pudding, daily pizza and daily super sized McMeals aren't bad for your health.  My four year old knows that.

Who funds these research projects?  Isn't there something better you can do with your money?  I hear Haiti and Japan could still use some help.  Or you could spend your money on the school lunch program so they don't serve a variation of hot dog to my kid 2-3 times a week (mini corndogs is the same as a corndog, lunch lady).

What genius chooses who gets the funding?  Hmmm...we've got money to spend, what should we spend it on?  Pediatric cancers?   Nah.  Heart Disease.  Eh.  Erectile dysfunction?  Possibly.  The link between hot dogs and colon cancer?  Yes!  Let's do that one!

When the Media Speculates That EVERYONE Might Be Pregnant

Last night I was reading the news and a story caught my eye about the dangers of eating too many peanuts when pregnant.  I thought to myself, Phew, I'm glad I'm done having kids, because I LOVE peanut butter.  I still clicked on it, though, thinking it might be interesting to read.  It was not at all what I expected.  It was an article about Prince William, Princess Catherine and two other royals nobody gives a crap about visiting Africa to raise awareness about a famine there (I don't mean to be an asshole, but don't we all know by now there are  famines in Africa and we still don't do a damn thing about it?  Did the royals think they were going to tell us something new?).  They were packing shipments of some peanut-based supplement and all the royals except Kate took a taste.  The article said Kate gave Will a "knowing smile" and passed it by.  This simple act touched off a media explosion of  "Peanuts are bad for pregnant women.  Kate didn't eat the peanut crap.  Is Kate pregnant?"  Seriously??  Why can't Kate just despise peanuts??  How do we know it didn't go down like this:

Wills:  Katie, darling, we have to go Africa and raise awareness around the globe about famine.
Kate: Oh.  OK.  What shall I pack?  Are we going alone?
Wills:  No, I think the Prince of Sweden or Denmark - I can never remember where he's from - he's going.  Oh and his wife - the other commoner princess.
Kate:  You mean the barmaid?
Wills:  Actually, Kate, they just met in a bar.  She didn't work there.
Kate:  I can't believe the media thinks we're anything alike.  My family are bloody millionaires.  We met at an exclusive private university.  She's some Australian he met in a bar called the Slip Inn!  Honestly, that is disgusting.
Wills:  Regardless, there's something more important.  They want us eat some sort of God awful peanut butter paste in front of the cameras.
Kate:  Peanut butter!
Wills:  Yes, I know how you feel about the stuff.
Kate:  Feel about it?  I absolutely abhor peanut butter, William.  Ever since that summer at equestrian camp when Pippa dared me to eat an entire jar and then I threw it all up the next day during my dressage lesson I just can't even stand the smell of it.  Besides, do you know how much fat there is in peanut butter?  I can't.  I just can't.  I can't even fake it.
Wills:  What will you do?  The entire world will be watching.
Kate:  I will politely decline.
Wills:  You know what will happen don't you?
Kate:  What?
Wills:  They'll speculate you're pregnant.
Kate:  What?  How will they get that from me not eating peanut butter paste?
Wills:  You know how it is.  They find signs of pregnancy in everything you do.  If your stomach wrinkles when you sit down, you're faking your pregnancy, if you have a pooch after a big dinner, you're hiding a pregnancy.  If you're too thin, you're stressed because you can't get pregnant.  If you choose not to drink wine with your dinner tonight, you must be pregnant.  If you wear a baggy sweater, you're hiding a pregnancy.  I'm surprised they didn't turn the scar on your head into a pregnancy rumor.
Kate:  Well, don't worry, I'll politely decline it and then the next day I'll go to the shops in Spandex, but I won't wear my wedding band - that always sets them on a tear. And if that doesn't work we can leak that Pippa is pregnant - serves her right for ruining me for peanut butter.
Wills: I love you, Katie, darling.  You're such a media mastermind.

Anyone Who Has Ever Paid For Eyelash Extensions

I knew we were a vain, vain world, but eyelash extensions?  Really???!!  Unless you lost your eyelashes in a fire or from disease there should be no reason in the world why you would EVER buy eyelash extensions.  If you did, we cannot be friends.  I'm dead serious.  Delete me from your phone right now.

Imagine my surprise the other day when I opened my newest offer from Groupon and discovered I could buy eyelash extensions for a mere $75 (a $200 value, of course).  I assume that is for TWO eyes, but I didn't read the small print (I have naturally lush eyelashes and sometimes they hinder me when there is small print).

I hate, hate, hate these ridiculous products that are designed to make women feel even worse about themselves than they already do!  As if we don't care enough about our asses being too big, our boobs being too small, our hair being too straight/curly/frizzy/limp/dull/gray/whatever or our yellow teeth, now we need to worry about fucking eyelashes???

Are your eyelashes puny?  Is that why your husband cheats on you/you eat too much/you didn't get the big promotion at work/blah, blah, blah?  Well, buy eyelash extensions and you'll feel soooo much better about yourself and all your dreams will come true!

Don't be a loser with puny lashes.

Complete asshole charlatans.  Is your neck flabby?  Buy this.  Small butt?  Buy this.  Big butt?  Buy this.  Want bigger eyes (even if you're Asian)?  Buy these.  Got wrinkles?  Try this or this.  There are so many companies out there who are taking your money and telling you it will all be alright.  Just drink this snake oil.  Ugh!!!  It's sooo damn annoying!

Why don't men do any of this shit?  Every now and again you see a guy with hair plugs and a really bad face lift, but that's it.  When you go to the pool you see saggy man boobs, wrinkled knees, ear and nose hair that you could braid, nasty teeth and faded, stretched out tattoos that were (sort of) cool in the 80s.  And yet, they walk around like they OWN the joint and they've got to beat the ladiez off with a stick.  What gives?  Where do they get this amazing sense of self worth?  Maybe all we need is a shot of testosterone and we won't give a shit either.

Now that I think about it closer, I think my beef is really with Groupon (and the entire Bravo line up).  Between discounted offers for spider vein treatments, eyelash extensions, Vagazzling and Pole Worx I think Groupon needs to fuck off completely.  All I can think is their target demographics are hookers and Real Housewives of Any City.

What is wrong with us that we think our self worth hangs on an eyelash or bedazzled vagina?  How sad is it that reputable businesses like bookstores are going bankrupt, millions of homes are in foreclosure, children are hungry but we're still willing to spend hard earned money on stupid shit like eyelash extensions?

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