Conscious Uncoupling

I woke up this morning and learned a new phrase: "Conscious Uncoupling."

Do you know what that means? For the rest of us plebeians it means "divorce." However, for my favorite tree bark indulger, Gwyneth Paltrow, it also means divorce. But because she's Gwyneth, she has to call it something deep and spiritual and meaningful. She's not just getting a divorce like the rest of you, pond scum. She's Gwyneth and she does everything in her life with purpose and integrity ... and a PR team and a hair and make up person.

I'm never surprised when a celebrity splits. I always assume they will divorce at some point. I'm just surprised in the way it's done. I was riveted when Katie escaped her gilded cage while Tom was on a remote movie location and I was fascinated by Kim Kardashian's marriage that didn't even last long enough for her to receive the first sponsorship check from her elaborate wedding.

And today it's like Christmas. Today I awoke to find the Goop site completely crashed, but luckily, the Hubs had woken earlier than me and was holding me a spot, so I got to see this conscious uncoupling up close and personal.

"I'd tap that," Chris Martin.
When you first hit Goop to read Gwyneth's statement, you're met with a pop up box encouraging you to subscribe to her site so she can sell you things like a $900 throw that your kids will surely ruin with spilled juice. Hey, I don't blame her for that. She's going to be a single mom now and she needs to make some dollars to pay for her brick pizza oven.

I Just Want to Be Alone

I have big news, everyone! Remember last year when I put out the anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone? Have you read it yet? Yes? Great. Thank you. Did you leave a review yet? Because those things are ridiculously helpful to me and the Kick Ass Bloggers. Have you never read it? Why not? What are you waiting for? Are you new here and you've never heard of it? Well, first of all, welcome and second of all, you're going to want that book, so here's where you can get it. Plus, it's on sale, because the powers that be at Amazon deemed it so and I have no idea how long this sale will last, so you might want to hurry.

Because IJWTPA was such a fun thing and a great success I decided to do another one! Last time we wrote about our kids and never being able to pee alone. This time it's the men in our lives who just won't leave us alone. I don't know about you, but I crave me some alone time. I need it like men need sex. I just want a good book, a hot cup of tea, and an hour to myself. Hell, even twenty minutes to wander aimlessly through the aisles of Target alone without the Hubs saying "We don't need curtains" or "Skip the shoe aisle, we're on a time table here" or "Haven't you spent enough already?" would be fantastic.

Linda, Linda, Linda

Am I the only one who doesn't think this kid is cute?

If the video does not work - CLICK HERE.

This video has been making the rounds lately. The three-year-old boy in the video is usually described as "precocious" and a "tough negotiator." I don't see it. I see a little boy who wants what a lot of little kids want: a cupcake for dinner, and instead of being told why he can't have a cupcake for dinner, his mom (Linda) video tapes him on a tear to explain to her why he should get one. He interrupts her, he calls her by her first name, he talks back, and he argues with her.

Interview with Nikki From Moms Who Drink and Swear

    Today I'm interviewing Nikki from Moms Who Drink and Swear. Nikki is one of the funniest, craziest, silliest, and kindest people I know. She wrote an essay for the new anthology I Just Want to Be Alone. It's called "BJs, Ball Punches, and Mayonnaise." It's one you won't want to read with anything in your mouth, because you will spit it out.

I'm not a journalist by trade (shocking, I know), so I realized that interviewing someone is really hard. I decided to avoid all of the usual author interview questions like, “Nikki, tell us an amusing story about marketing your books. Anything chuckle-worthy you'd like to share?”

Instead, I had an IM chat with her and asked the questions I really want to know:

The Man Who Called 911 About His Cat

It is indeed a sad day for humanity when a grown man must call 911 in regards to his cat. No, his cat wasn't stuck in a tree. His cat - a 22 pound Himalayan - had trapped the man, his girlfriend, his baby, and his dog in the bedroom and was behaving in a threatening manner.

Let me start from the beginning. The man and woman have a baby together. The baby yanked the cat's tail. Now, I don't know much about cats, but I do know they have nine lives, they always land on their feet, they hate water, and you should never, ever, ever, ever pull their tails. I guess the baby didn't get that memo. He yanked the cat's tail and so the cat turned on the baby. The frightened father kicked the cat in the ass, which further enraged the 22 pound kitty. The cat chased the man, woman, baby, and dog into the bedroom and then stood guard outside the door hissing at them every time they opened the door.

Rachel Canning

Have you heard about Rachel Canning yet? She's the spoiled suburban honor roll cheerleader who is trying to sue her parents for refusing to pay for her college tuition. Waaaah. I can just hear her whining, "But daaaaddddddy, I neeeeeed you to pay."

But Daddy doesn't want to pay, because when Rachel turned eighteen, she moved out of her parent's house and into her best friend's house.

Her parents say she decided that she didn't like their rules. Especially the one about some boyfriend they deemed too skeevy for their precious pumpkin, so they told her to dump him or get out. Rachel chose to get out.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf . Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'...

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