People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Gwyneth Paltrow

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Gwyneth Paltrow

Did you hear the news? Gwyneth Paltrow has been named People magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in All the Land or something like that. Ugh, please. Anyone but her.

First, let me get the obvious out of the way. Yes, yes, yes, she's gorgeous. It is nearly impossible to believe that we are the same age. I swear she's got a portrait in a closet somewhere that looks like a dried out fish monger's wife. (Dorian Gray, anyone?? Or is the only gray you read 50 Shades??)

Let's just compare me and Gwyneth: her skin is ah-may-zing compared to my skin which defies nature as it is both chalky and sun damaged. Gwyneth's (presumably, since she's never let me get close enough to touch it) soft and wrinkle-free face actually gives me a visual aid for when magazines describe "glowing" and "dewy" complexions. I understand what those words means now. Gwyneth's long, silken tresses beg to be touched, while my mousy graying hair actually looks sharp to the touch and is currently so short, my daughter accused me of being a man the other day. Gwyneth's body. Do I even have to say it? When you're 5'9" like Gwynnie, you're already leaps and bounds ahead of the average woman. Her legs are as long as my entire body.

I suppose we could all look like Gwyneth if we bought her number one selling cookbook (who the hell is buying this thing??) that dishes up recipes completely devoid of: meat, soy, wheat, gluten, coffee, dairy, alcohol, sugar, shellfish, potatoes, tomatoes, bell peppers, eggplant, corn, or anything processed. I'm not sure what that leaves? Raw leafy greens washed down with coconut water (she didn't expressly forbid tap water, but I'm assuming that's a big no no when you're on a "clean diet")? Actually, in her cookbook she mentions a salad she enjoys: arugula with maple syrup because the syrup adds an "another layer of autumnal yum!"

Mmm .. autumnal yum! Just needs a little more maple syrup!
When you break down her daily menus in her book, it's been estimated that a day's worth of "Gwynnie Food" will cost you $300 and you'll still go to bed hungry. A small price to pay, I guess, to be named Most Beautiful.

OK, so she's beautiful and if we're just judging on looks alone, then I guess she wins. BUT, come on, People. She's so faux, her behavior actually forced me to write the word "faux." She used to be normal back in the day and then it's like the lack the of sugar and alcohol drained her of all her normal human personality traits and now she's some bizarro vegan Stepford Wife who spouts nonsense like, "I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year" when she doesn't even behave like somebody who makes $250,000 a year. She brags about making films that "... will be interesting and that have integrity. I hate those tacky, pointless, big, fluffy, unimportant movies" and then she makes movies like Iron Man 1, 2, and 3 and The Avengers. (All super important movies.)

How could you choose her, People? Do you know your audience? Your audience is people like me: wrinkled people with easy hairdos who have barely heard of Veganaise, let alone eaten it. I'm never going to drink Gwyneth's green morning energy drink. I just read a review that described it as tasting like "the water from your salad spinner" and that was the kindest review I could find. A quick glance at her asinine website Goop, proves that she is so out of touch with reality she is like a modern day Marie Antoinette living in her palatial London spread saying ridiculous things like everyone should have a wood burning pizza oven in their garden. (BTW, what sort of pizza is she making without wheat, tomatoes, or peppers? Answer: Pizza that tastes like ass.) She lives in such a bubble where she she really believes she is just a normal "mum" who would "die" if she let her kids eat Cup-a-Soup. She is a normal mum who is married to a rock star, who eats nothing but tree bark and salad spinner water while living in her multi, multi, multi-million dollar properties and selling shit online like a like a must-have $298 robe that she touts is perfect for "lazy days."

Of course she does. This is someone who has been besties with Madonna (who also fancies herself a Brit and was once caught on tape saying she "absolutely loathes hydrangeas" just after a devoted fan gave her hydrangeas) and now Beyonce ("Queen B" as I'm sure Bey prefers Gwynnie call her) has assumed the BFF role. Poor Gwyneth doesn't have a chance to be normal when she surrounds herself with people like Beyonce who is so upset about the unflattering, snarling photos taken of her fierce performance at the Super Bowl that now all professional photographers except for the one she's hired are banned from her current tour. Gwyneth is a woman whose first world problems include asshole concierges in Paris hotels who don't give her the real skinny on the good organic wine bars and the best place to get a Brazilian. (Who is in Paris long enough to need a Brazilian while you are still on vacation???)

No, People magazine, I think you missed the mark on this one. You've actually created a monster. The humble bragging has already begun. Gwyneth said, "I honestly thought someone was playing a joke on me."

Yes, Gwyneth, I thought the same thing when I heard the news.


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77 comments:

lspence said...

I totally agree. Gwyneth may be beautiful on the outside but is definitely not on the inside. Her "you want what I have" attitude has bothered me for years.

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

Pizza that tastes like ass, indeed.

zebragarden.me said...

People magazine should really just retire the whole "Most Beautiful" thing since it is so rarely based on any sort of beauty. Rather, it's who has been the most all up in our grills and shit this year. Congrats, Gwynnie! You're the most obnoxious. Oops--I mean, beautiful.

HypocriticalOath said...

I disagree. She's not even that attractive. She's got that skinny, flat blond hair prep school version of what we've been brainwashed to believe is attractive. That perpetual smirk on her face reeks of 'high school mean girl' and you KNOW she is by the way she represents herself in every public forum. She went to HS in NYC and I've heard firsthand from those who went to school with her that she was indeed a total bitch bag. I do agree with the rest of your assessment though. Esp the bit about making important movies. Ummmm hello Duets? Sliding doors? Also, there are plenty PLENTY of other, much more talented actors doing much crappier films because their godfather isn't STEVEN FREAKING SPIELBERG. And their dad wasn't a famous producer and mom isn't a famous actress. She's not that talented an actress, this is a lot of who she knows. So she needs to STFU across the board.

Jules said...

So glad to read that I'm not the only one who can't stand her. She's like a robot. Zero personality.

donofalltrades.com said...

Ha, those crazy uber-rich stars...whatchya gonna do. I'd like to see some hot blogger momma be the woman of the year one of these years. If you look good with spittle on your shoulder and wine stains on your boob area, you're probably a pretty hot woman.

Lindsay said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! For a minute there I thought I was living in an alternate universe where people actually LIKE her. Ugh. You've made my day once again!

HMM said...

This has me laughing so hard.. I couldn't agree more. It must be why she named that baby Apple.. she was so fucking hungry it was all she could come up with.. If I was in her position, my babies would have been named "Vodka" and "Cheese".

RedBirdRising said...

I don't think she's that attractive, but honestly you and these commenters just come across as bitter, jealous, and petty. Don't like People's pick? Don't buy People magazine. Don't like her cookbook? Don't buy it. Really, grow up.

NoBloggingJustReading said...

Agreed!

Amy FunnyIsFamily said...

Those lists are dumb, anyway. I can't even pick a favorite color or favorite food, let alone the most beautiful person in the WHOLE WORLD. Will I read this issue? Probably.

NoBloggingJustReading said...

First time I have disagreed with you - I'm sure it will be the last though. :-)

First, I'm glad People didn't pick some 19 year old.

As for Gwynnie, I saw an interview with her last night and when they asked the last time she ate sugar, she said it was the night before, and she'd had a chocolate covered Oreo. That seems pretty down to earth normal. And she admits she works out like crazy to get that body after having two kids. (Unlike those annoying stars who lie and say , they are just blessed with magic genetics) Also, she loves Thug Kitchen- that sealed for me. Still love her and think she deserved the cover.

notesfromtheledge.com said...

Perhaps the best part of this post are the first two tags: "Goop sucks, Gwyneth is an idiot." I agree, she is the WORST.

Beth said...

I'm not a huge fan, but I can't believe that Star magazine voted her the most hated celebrity and Chris Brown was voted #20. Just so wrong!

Kerri Bedard said...

Well, Star Magazine finally got something right...
Paltrow topped Star magazine’s list of the 20 Most Hated Celebrities in Hollywood.

TamaraGraves said...

I'm going to post what will be your most unpopular comment. And it's not because I'm trolling. Trolls intend to harm, belittle, humiliate, damage in some way or another. Rather, I'm sharing my opinion because, dammit, the internet is just so great for spewing opinions at others. So here goes:

I could not disagree more with your assessment of Gwyneth. Yes, yes, I remember the early Gwyneth days of Emma and wondering WHY won't Hollywood just catch on already how likable she is already??? I remember that. I remember being all blown away-like when she finally broke through into the Hollywood elite and Matt Stone of South Park started dressing like her to awards shows. I remember all of it, and as a fan, all of it was awesome.

And then...she married that guy from that rock band, and she had a baby named after a vegetable or something, and she gave us oodles of access to her particular brand of crazy. And now we're all freaking out a bit. Because...omg...she's a fucking weirdo, right?

Okay. She's weird. She's rich, talented, pretty, married to an equally rich, talented, pretty fella, and she DARE write books about what interests her (HOW DARE SHE. Doesn't she know books are just around to appeal to EVERYONE?? What a bitch.), and she dare run her own website dedicated to what appeals to her (AGAIN. TOTALLY A BITCH MOVE.), and she dare dress how she likes, name her freak babies what she likes, and say what she likes...JUST BECAUSE.

Few of us will ever get the opportunity to sit down and actually get to know this woman, or any celebrity. Few of us will ever really know if they're as obnoxious as they seem. Few of us will ever know if they're really not nearly as awesome as we other "normal" Moms are and if they too "look good with spittle on their shoulder and wine stains in their boob area".

So...instead we'll write scathing blogs about strangers we'll never meet, we follow up with scathing comments, and then we go about our lives feeling very smug and very satisfied that we're definitely more hot, more Mom, more sane, more EVERYTHING than she could EVER be, because maybe that's what we need to combat the insecurity that "magazines" like People spreads to the far reaches of the wealthy Western World. Maybe each of you needed to say the things you've said today about a complete stranger. I don't know why you needed it. But maybe you did. And I sincerely hope it gave you whatever you needed by saying those things.

But...for my part...I don't need to tear down another to generate page views, buffer my self esteem, feel like I'm part of a "community", or convince me that I'm kickass just the way I am: a 300 pound woman without a college education, living in a rural Alabama town, suffering with infertility, and going deaf in both ears, plus needing bottlecaps for both eyes because Y'ALL I'm damn near blind too. Guys...People Magazine won't be electing me "Most Beautiful Walking Vagina" any time soon.

And that's o-fucking-kay. It's okay they gave Gwyneth that title. It's okay. We're gonna be okay. It's really not that serious.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share my point of view.

Julie said...

You have some serious talent, you have no idea how much I look forward to your new posts!!! This was freaking awesome :)

Julie said...

One more thing - if you haven't seen this yet, I thought you'd enjoy...seems right up your alley :)


http://www.esquire.com/blogs/culture/lust-during-wartime

QueenSuchandSuch said...

I think the issue here is not that people are bitter, jealous or petty but that People Magazine has a vast array of "beautiful" people to choose from that are not assholes. Find someone who has a soul FFS.

BTW, if you dont like reading bitter, jealous, petty blogs, dont read it.

christine said...

well...at least they didn't pick anne hathaway??

christine said...

you forgot to mention when she was quoted saying she hated horses. she's a peach.

Things That Happen Everyday said...

Loved your post and totally agree. The funnies line....last one

fishducky said...

Gwyneth Paltrow has been named People magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in All the Land--I came in second!!

Heather Torre said...

This actually just reads as a jealous, close-minded, ignorant asshole. You many pass judgement but God forbid anyone point that mirror back to you. In reality this is just one step above mean girl status; actually it is mean girl status. You are downing someone who lives differently from you solely because you don't understand their lifestyle? Does it make you feel better about your life? I hope you're proud. And no, I'm not a GP fan.

ona said...

Ironic that a magazine called "People" should exalt a person who seems to run as far away from "mere human" status as she can.

Submommy said...

A reality show of her being forced to shop at Wal-mart on $20 per day - that I would watch.

PrimpYourNails said...

Well said. I think her best, most important work was actually Shallow Hal.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

The Queen has spoken. Exactly.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Agreed. That d-bag Chris Brown should be number 1.

Jenn said...

I agree with you, Jen!! I, also, agree with several of the previous posters. I, too, do not find her attractive. To me, she's very blah...

The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears said...

I finally stopped reading those magazines because they are horseshit. I only like that one section they all have - "Stars: Just Like Us". It makes me laugh. Because apparently giving the nanny the day off and taking their own kid to the park makes them just like us peasants.

I feel like it's worth noting that my husband doesn't think Gwynnie is pretty. But he tells me that I am all the time. So, he's pretty awesome. Or blind. I'm kind of torn on this one.

Jessica Smock said...

I used to like Gwyneth a lot. I'm convinced something happened to her that caused her to lose her marbles a little bit. She should have stayed with Ben.

Snarky Girl's Rants and Raves said...

Troll much, Heather? This blog is called People I Want to Punch in the Throat...not People I Want to Hug and Kiss and Braid Their Hair. So if you aren't up for throat-punching...don't read it. Troll-olol...

ryanamandadyck said...

I agree! There is something so much more beautiful about a real person who has to cut corners to make ends meet, and doesnt love her kids as a publicity stunt. If we are going to give these awards to celebrities, I'd much rather see someone lile Jennifer Garner as a recipient.

ryanamandadyck said...

I think people who post trashing other peoples comments are just bitter and jealous of the aforementioned commentors.

I dont actually think you are jealous or bitter about any other commentor. I just want to post out how ridiculous that sounds. Just because I dont like someone doesnt mean I'm jealous. It means I think Gwyneth Paltrow has as much charisma as a sack of potatoes, and People magazine , missed the ball... big time.

Veronica said...

Eff Gwyneth. I would've nominated Sofia Vergara. Now THAT is a smokin' hot woman!

Marlene Dunn said...

Hahahaha!!! Snarky Girl that was hilarious!

arrogant-sob.com said...

Some of you are getting the wrong idea here. No one is criticizing this insufferable twat because she is "different". None of this is bitter jealousy. People can't tolerate Gwynny because she is a goddamn fake. She pretends to represent the average woman, yet is possibly the most condescending bitch on the planet. Her awful website is essentially a manifesto telling woman how to eat, drink, exercise, work, raise children, and shit. Her fashion tips for the average working parent regularly include ensembles that add up to about $2500, head to toe. The gym she opened for the "average" woman costs thousands of dollars to join and about $600 a month. She also loves to tell anyone with a microphone how she worked her way up from nothing, all the while failing to mention that her mother is a famous actress, her father is an old-time Hollywood mega-producer and Steven Spielberg, who gave her her first acting role in "Hook" is her goddamn Godfather.
So no, this isn't jealousy or disdain for someone who lives an alternate lifestyle. This is disdain for someone who never passes up an opportunity to tell everyone how much better she is than everyone else...

ArrogantSOB
Arrogant-SOB.com

Kp said...

I think People knew exactly what they were doing. Would it have been this big of a deal, gotten this much publicity, if they had chosen literally anyone else? Big old nope there. Any press is good press.

Nancy said...

(BTW, what sort of pizza is she making without wheat, tomatoes, or peppers? Answer: Pizza that tastes like ass.) Amen to THAT!

Shauna Wear said...

LOL @ Queen!

Magpie Style said...

I actually like Paltrow. I like that she's a female entrepreneur who is passionate about what interests her. I found your post funny, but let's not perpetuate inaccurate information.

First of all, in the interviews I've seen, she didn't say she was constantly on the elimination diet. She said she does it for one week at a time a few times a year. Crazy? Yes but I'm sure half of Hollywood does it as well. And, I don't believe she said she puts her whole family on that wacko diet.

Second, Net-a-porter PAID her to feature those outfits. To me, the fun is finding more affordable versions of those outfits. Plus, how is what she's doing any different from Elle and Vogue? Have you seen those fashion spreads?

Third, her cookbook does not consist of recipes only from the elimination diet. She includes vegan and gluten-free. It certainly isn't for everyone, but I did made a few of the recipes and they were very good.

Fourth, the $300 meal misinformation that's been spread is just that. In that article, they're including the cost of an entire bag of flour, the cost of a dozen eggs, an entire jar of honey. That is not how you calculate cost per serving or even cost per dish.

That said, Paltrow is targeting an obviously wealthy audience. I don't fit in her demographic and I am certainly not buying her GOOP collections. However, I do find her interesting. And, every interview I've seen of her, she's come across very differently than the media chooses to portray her.

Thanks!

RachRiot said...

Every time Goopy gives an interview I am reminded what a douchbaguette she truly is. She can't help it- she was born with a silver foot in her mouth.

Debbie said...

Well, I do think she's pretty/elegant looking, but I'm gonna call her on this line: crediting her chilren with helping her feel beautiful. Before kids, I wore makeup to look OLDER, lol. After children, I wear it (when I wear it)so I don't look like a walking mug shot.

David Silva said...

she got the award because she is the perfect wealthy elite. That means she could not relate to a normal person ever, she has been completely sheltered her entire life, she literally has no idea the actual value of money, and she thinks if every just listened to her and did what she told you to do everyones lives would have been perfect.

TJ said...

Hmm. Gwyneth is pretty I think but in that way that in a crowd your eyes might slide past her, register she's attractive, but not bother returning for another look. She has that asinine look of someone I dread getting trapped talking to at a party.

Jo Kimber said...

I wrote about her on my blog last year. She is pure evil!



http://mymovieoftheday.blogspot.com/2012/02/why-gwyneth-paltrow-is-devil.html

Diary of an Angry Pregnant Lady said...

Hug and Kiss and Braid Their Hair ... hahahaha I'm cracking up!

Amanda
diaryofanangrypregnantlady.blogspot.com

Susan Wallace said...

This'll sound weird, but she's always reminded me of saltine crackers...dry and bland in taste as well as appearance.

Shauna B said...

I think Vodka and Cheese would be better names than Ho-ho and Xanax.

Bandgeek77 said...

I am sorry, but I have a total soft spot for Sliding Doors. John Hannah is adorable in that movie and I love the whole premise. In fact, my junior and senior years in college, it was on near constantly in my dorm. That being said, she does sound like a total douche, but she grew up in the biz, so I'm sure that contributed to it.

TNMom said...

Eh - she's alright looking, but I agree, not most beautiful woman material.
Drew Barrymore and Pink - now there are two they got right! And Kelly Rowland posed for her pic WITHOUT MAKEUP! That's true outer beauty!
I literally LOL'd at this post. Funny last line!! I dont understand why people still have sticks in their asses...guess some things never change. <3 Devan

Jenny bAKER said...

Amen!

Michaela said...

Her book and website scream of someone who is miserable with their life (NEED. CONTROL. AHHH.). She is obsessed with her shit diet because she has no other release in life. And she may not touch alcohol, but I bet she has a medicine cabinet full of anti depressants and sleeping pills. Trick don't have me fooled into buying her pretentious bullshit.

Shiny Shiny Christmas said...

People magazine is just trying to kiss the ass of Gwyneth Paltrow so they can get an exclusive photo shoot of that London mansion (and maybe eat some ass pizza). My pettiness, bitterness, and jealousy has spoken.

Elizabeth Bettencourt said...

Meow. Saucer of milk, table for two?

You just devoted so much anger and bitterness towards a decision People magazine made. Don't call someone out for their pathetic "first world problems" without admitting you've got them, too.

I do love reading your blog, but this one seems unnecessarily...something. I'm not a huge Gwen fan, but speculating on her when I don't have any idea about who she really, truly is feels like a waste of time.

Elizabeth Bettencourt said...

Agreed. This post, and a lot of the comments, seem pretty mean-girl to me. Why are women always tearing each other down? We are our own worst enemy.

Rebecca Williamson said...

My biggest problem with this cover is that they named her "World's Most Beautiful Woman." Um, that's a bit of a stretch. If they stuck to America's Most Beautiful, something like that, I wouldn't be so...well, I'm not quite offended b/c this isn't important, but annoyed, maybe? She wouldn't be my pick, but then, I'll never understand the love of Robert Pattinson.

Tiffany said...

Didn't an article just come out last week about Gwynnie also being the most HATED celebrity in Hollywood? The should throw that little snippet into her "Most Beautiful" article as a nice footnote. She's a female douchecanoe.

Snarky Girl's Rants and Raves said...

Again here, people, this blog is called People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Not People You Punch in the Throat...not Want to Punch These People in the Throat or I'll Punch You in the Throat...Just keep the focus.

Snarky Girl's Rants and Raves said...

PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT. What about that is hard to grasp? What about that are you unclear on? Of course it sounds mean. Have you ever been punched in the throat? That's mean. It's funny. Lighten up, pull up the big girl panties and don't read something called PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT if you don't like snark or mean, or can't see the humor in bitchiness. For fuck's sake already!

Elizabeth Bettencourt said...

I am aware of the title of the blog. I am also under the impression that someone who titles their blog in this way (aggressive humor, let's call it) is probably capable of her readers offering up some disagreement or alternative ways of looking at things. I would like to think that Jen is not only writing for people who will agree with everything she says.

Rebecca Williamson said...

Of course Jen is happy to hear alternating viewpoints. But you don't seem to have one. Your viewpoint appears to be that b/c Jen wrote the article disagreeing with the pick and explaining her reasons why, in true PIWTPITT fashion, she is bitter and angry. She is angry, I guess, that People would choose someone who seems out of touch with the readership of the magazine. Jen very clearly makes fun of herself throughout this article (in fact, in most of her posts), she never acts like she doesn't have 'first-world problems.' By all means, disagree. But at least offer up an opinion on the topic, as opposed to just being upset or offended that a snarky blog is actually snarky.

L Morris Stum said...

Pardon my out-of-touchedness, but what the fuck does GOOP stand for? It makes me think of when Cameron Diaz swiped the "glob" from Ben Stiller's ear and gave her bangs an erection in There's Something About Mary.

KristerT said...

Bashing Gwnynnie isn't really as simple as being a "Mean Girl". What Gwyneth Paltrow perpetuates as the backbone of her mediated identity is that being a successful woman (and successfully a woman) in an inherently misogynistic society is an attainable goal that women without her enormous resources can easily attain ... if they just made some effort, and spent their money the way she recommends, and is compensated for.

Guru Girl said...

It strikes me that Gwyneth may be beautiful but I don't think she's that happy. How can you be happy and starving all the time? Also, in the article she said she works out 2 hours a day. That sucks! Another thing guaranteed to make you really unhappy and really extra hungry. And she's basically married to a traveling salesman. Yes, he's a rock star but the travel's the same, only worse because rock stars have groupies!

Sally's Blog said...

I am glad you wrote this. I can't stand her either. I think she is very boring on the inside and out. She definitely is not ugly, but the most beautiful? Please give me a break. Now after reading this and finding more about her that I didn't know. Yuck, definitely don't like her now. I once subscribed to GOOP. Thought it sounded like a neat place to get ideas. Quickly found that it was not for regular folks. So I was very disappointed when she was idolized, once again. I just don't get it.

Sadie K said...

Well... I think she's pretty, and I think she does a good job acting usually. That's about where my thinking of her ends.

If she was my friend and did all that is claimed, I would force margaritas down her throat until she snapped out it.

How bout the earrings on goop for $1250? One is a safety pin and one is the word "love"-they're both 18k - you'd think for $1250 they could've manage to eek out 2 "love" earrings.

Elizabeth Bettencourt said...

My alternating viewpoint, as stated in my original comment, is that I think it's a bad idea to form an opinion about someone (like a celebrity) who I don't really know and will never really know -- to me, a television interview persona is perhaps not the real person.
Just felt like I had to reply since my comment was picked by Jen as one of her favorite negative comments. Guess I won the bitch of the week award. :)

Elizabeth Bettencourt said...

The people who are telling commenters not to read this blog if they don't like it fail to see the irony -- don't read People magazine if you don't like it.

fightin_irisher said...

I agree with you, Jenn (again!!!). First of all, I couldn't give two shits about who or what People magazine writes or declares as the "most beautiful". For those of us who live in the real world, true beauty comes in many shapes, sizes, and colors.

I will take issue with a simple fact- thin/skinny, blonde is "beauty" the rest of us well-rounded, dark-headed chicks don't measure up. Just once I'd like to see a real woman on that cover with that title, like Melisa McCarthy (who I absolutely ADORE!!!) . Just sayin'

Love you Jenn, keep up the good work in speaking what's on my mind!

a said...

OK. Dying here...AGAIN...

The post about "Stars are JUST like us?" because some star took his kid to the park? Or some hot celebrity "mom" had her kid with her at Whole Foods?

Just like us? Really? I have no nanny.

I want to see pictures of: Star struggling with sweaty barf covered child who is screaming, "MY DAD HAS A PENIS! MOMMY HAS A VAGINA!" (yes, this really happened.)
I want to see video of Sexy Celebrity Lead Male "dad" dragging a hostile rabid toddler out of a park for BITING other children and then getting bit himself on the fucking cheek by his own kid.
I want a top star "mom" to be at the local store for the first time withOUT her breast feeding baby, and realize in HORROR the reason people are staring at your rack isn't because you are shapely and HOT but because copious amounts of breast milk leaking out in huge dark stains have made it look like you got "tit hit" with water balloons.

Stars:They are NOT just like us. It's insulting to suggest they are.
I love this blog. It makes me have hope.

mylynn1377 said...

I personally love the snark and ass pizza comments. I haven't found her likeable in years and I would love to see people win these things that are a little more realistic.

Kristi Phillips said...

I actually feel like I could have written this. It doesn't help in my hatred towards her that my Husband, who doesn't find anyone attractive over the age of 25 absolutely would do anything to be "with" her. She is gross!

Kristi Phillips said...

Why do people bitch about this blog and then continue to stick around long enough to comment on how "nasty" it is. It's called "People I Want To Punch In The Throat...duh! It's funny! Take the stick out and get a sense of humor..

Allie said...

....what's wrong with Cup of Soup? I love that shit. Also, pizza.


Fuck her.

Shawnda Travieso said...

I came from the ghetto, and I've seen known crackheads prettier than her.