First, let me get the obvious out of the way. Yes, yes, yes, she's gorgeous. It is nearly impossible to believe that we are the same age. I swear she's got a portrait in a closet somewhere that looks like a dried out fish monger's wife. (Dorian Gray, anyone?? Or is the only gray you read 50 Shades??)
Let's just compare me and Gwyneth: her skin is ah-may-zing compared to my skin which defies nature as it is both chalky and sun damaged. Gwyneth's (presumably, since she's never let me get close enough to touch it) soft and wrinkle-free face actually gives me a visual aid for when magazines describe "glowing" and "dewy" complexions. I understand what those words means now. Gwyneth's long, silken tresses beg to be touched, while my mousy graying hair actually looks sharp to the touch and is currently so short, my daughter accused me of being a man the other day. Gwyneth's body. Do I even have to say it? When you're 5'9" like Gwynnie, you're already leaps and bounds ahead of the average woman. Her legs are as long as my entire body.
I suppose we could all look like Gwyneth if we bought her number one selling cookbook (who the hell is buying this thing??) that dishes up recipes completely devoid of: meat, soy, wheat, gluten, coffee, dairy, alcohol, sugar, shellfish, potatoes, tomatoes, bell peppers, eggplant, corn, or anything processed. I'm not sure what that leaves? Raw leafy greens washed down with coconut water (she didn't expressly forbid tap water, but I'm assuming that's a big no no when you're on a "clean diet")? Actually, in her cookbook she mentions a salad she enjoys: arugula with maple syrup because the syrup adds an "another layer of autumnal yum!"
|Mmm .. autumnal yum! Just needs a little more maple syrup!|
OK, so she's beautiful and if we're just judging on looks alone, then I guess she wins. BUT, come on, People. She's so faux, her behavior actually forced me to write the word "faux." She used to be normal back in the day and then it's like the lack the of sugar and alcohol drained her of all her normal human personality traits and now she's some bizarro vegan Stepford Wife who spouts nonsense like, "I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year" when she doesn't even behave like somebody who makes $250,000 a year. She brags about making films that "... will be interesting and that have integrity. I hate those tacky, pointless, big, fluffy, unimportant movies" and then she makes movies like Iron Man 1, 2, and 3 and The Avengers. (All super important movies.)
How could you choose her, People? Do you know your audience? Your audience is people like me: wrinkled people with easy hairdos who have barely heard of Veganaise, let alone eaten it. I'm never going to drink Gwyneth's green morning energy drink. I just read a review that described it as tasting like "the water from your salad spinner" and that was the kindest review I could find. A quick glance at her asinine website Goop, proves that she is so out of touch with reality she is like a modern day Marie Antoinette living in her palatial London spread saying ridiculous things like everyone should have a wood burning pizza oven in their garden. (BTW, what sort of pizza is she making without wheat, tomatoes, or peppers? Answer: Pizza that tastes like ass.) She lives in such a bubble where she she really believes she is just a normal "mum" who would "die" if she let her kids eat Cup-a-Soup. She is a normal mum who is married to a rock star, who eats nothing but tree bark and salad spinner water while living in her multi, multi, multi-million dollar properties and selling shit online like a like a must-have $298 robe that she touts is perfect for "lazy days."
Of course she does. This is someone who has been besties with Madonna (who also fancies herself a Brit and was once caught on tape saying she "absolutely loathes hydrangeas" just after a devoted fan gave her hydrangeas) and now Beyonce ("Queen B" as I'm sure Bey prefers Gwynnie call her) has assumed the BFF role. Poor Gwyneth doesn't have a chance to be normal when she surrounds herself with people like Beyonce who is so upset about the unflattering, snarling photos taken of her fierce performance at the Super Bowl that now all professional photographers except for the one she's hired are banned from her current tour. Gwyneth is a woman whose first world problems include asshole concierges in Paris hotels who don't give her the real skinny on the good organic wine bars and the best place to get a Brazilian. (Who is in Paris long enough to need a Brazilian while you are still on vacation???)
No, People magazine, I think you missed the mark on this one. You've actually created a monster. The humble bragging has already begun. Gwyneth said, "I honestly thought someone was playing a joke on me."
Yes, Gwyneth, I thought the same thing when I heard the news.
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If you want to know what I think of "Conscious Uncoupling" read here.