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50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

STOP!  SOME OF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD.  DO NOT READ THIS POST.  (I KNOW, I KNOW, THAT ONLY MAKES YOU WANT TO READ IT MORE, BUT REALLY - STOP.)  THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.  GO READ YOUR SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE PLEASE AND TRY AGAIN HERE TOMORROW.  IF YOU STILL REALLY WANT TO READ THIS, THEN LET YOUR MOM READ IT FIRST AND LET HER DECIDE.  I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SULLYING YOU.

ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ 50 SHADES OF GREY, GO BACK UNDER YOUR ROCK AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.  THERE ARE A TON OF SPOILERS HERE.

ONE MORE.  IF YOU ARE MY FATHER, DON'T READ THIS.  YOU WILL NOT GET IT AND THEN YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED WHEN I SEE YOU THE NEXT TIME.



I know many of you have read 50 Shades of Grey by now and I've had more than a few emails asking me to do a "review" of the book or tell you what I think.  So here we go.

I have only read the first book in the trilogy, so my review will only be for that one.

I actually heard about this book from my friend Mary when I was visiting her in New Hampshire.  We always talk books and she told me this one was hot, hot, hot in her sleepy little school's carpool line.  I'm always looking for a good read and especially one that comes so...umm...highly recommended.

I came home from NH only to find that the actual, physical book was sold out in bookstores and there was quite a waiting list of fellow literary aficionados (perverts) waiting for the next shipment.  WTF?  This of course made me desire it even more.   I had to know what the fuss was.  The book was available in an electronic format, but at that point we didn't own a tablet.  What to do, what to do?  I did what I had to do: I went on Facebook and appealed to my friends to loan me a Kindle so I could read my smut.  Within 24 hours I had a fully charged Nook in hand with the download completed and I started my S&M-filled journey.

Maybe I should back up here for the men in this group and the few of you who live in caves and explain a bit about this book.  This book was originally written by a British "mum" as Twilight fan fiction.  She re-imagined Bella and Edward as human adults.  And this time around, rather than a lust for Bella's blood, Edward has a lust for tying up Bella and spanking her until it...uhhh...doesn't hurt anymore (if you get my drift).

OK, back to the story.  So because the book is fan fiction you really can't read it without thinking of the original Bella and Edward and how similar the characters are.  Once again we have a clumsy (Seriously, when have you EVER fallen over your feet in the middle of someone's office?  I have only winked and roared), virginal, and beautiful girl (who, of course, doesn't realize she's beautiful) with a dash of a naive/innocent wonder thing going on.

The guy is once again impossibly handsome, ridiculously rich, completely overbearing and controlling and a bit of a creeper (I just learned that's a word all the awkward 13 year olds are using).  He's always telling her what to wear and when he can see her and she's always sitting around waiting for him to call so he can spank her some more.

Let's get down to the sex, shall we?  I mean, really, that's what we're all reading this book for, right?  I don't have the book in front of me anymore, so someone will have to verify this for me, but I swear they didn't even have sex until like page 40 (of the Nook edition) or something.  Let me tell you, the plot wasn't riveting enough to keep interested until that point.  I kept reading, because I'd been promised hot, hot, hot, naughty adult sex.

FINALLY, they get it on.  A lot.  Now, I've been re-reading The Hunger Games trilogy lately, so ANY sex in a book would be considered steamy after that book where a close mouthed kiss on the lips is saucy.  So after page 40 there's a lot of sex.  I really don't remember much of the plot following that.  He whisks her off in helicopters and cars to his playroom where he can tie her up and ride her like a trussed up show pony.

After all of that, I was just sort of like, Eh.  That's it?  That's the best you can do?

I don't know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the Hubs and I have a bondage room or anything, but I just thought I'd need a dictionary of sexual positions and Google to figure out some of the stuff they were going to do.  Instead, it was all pretty much what I could think up - a little tail whipping here and there, some naughty bath time, a tie or two, but nothing too hardcore.  His "member" strains a lot, her "sex" pulsates a bunch, she can't touch him, but he can do whatever he likes to her.  If anything, I was a little grossed out by some of their intimacy.  At one point Christian actually removes her tampon before he has sex with her.  Is that meant to be hot?  Because I threw up in my mouth when he did that.  That would pretty much kill the moment for me.

Before I read the book I heard a lot of the following:

"You'll go out and buy your man a tie, just so he'll tie you up."  I have not made any tie purchases.

"You won't be able to finish the book, because you'll want to find the Hubs and get it on."  I read it on vacation at my aunt's house.  Hell to the NO was I moved to do that in her house.

"You'll realize you want to be dominated."  Nope.  I did not come to that realization.

"Not even a little bit, Jen?"  Nope.

"You'll dream about Christian Grey."  I dreamed about kicking his misogynistic ass.  Now, Edward Cullen, that boy I dreamed about in all his sparkling glory.  That was a creepy, rich, controlling, hot guy I could get behind.

"You'll want to rush out and buy the next two books right away."  As I mentioned at the beginning, I've only read the one.  I now have a tablet and a credit card and I could easily buy the next ones, but I've got other books in my queue ahead of those.  I will get to them, though, because I am curious to see Christian evolve (I've been promised he does).

This is what I did learn:

1.  We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell!  After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard.  I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up.  The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins.  I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing."

2.  I should never believe the hype.  This happened to me in 1987.  I still remember.  I really wanted to see Dirty Dancing.  I couldn't drive yet so I was at the mercy of my parents and they could never get me to the theatre.  I'd heard so much about this movie at school - "Patrick Swayze is unbelievably hot!"  "Jennifer Grey is so plain and ordinary - just like us!"  "The dancing is so cool."  I was literally dying to see it.  I was going crazy.  FINALLY, my mother took me in the "15th Explosive Week" that it was still playing in our small town.  I came out of there so let down.  Patrick Swayze did indeed look good, but I was still getting a lot of play out of the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun and Patrick did not hold a candle to Val.  Jennifer Grey was not plain.  She had a bit of a nose with a perfect ass.  This movie made me realize I don't like movies with a lot dancing in them.  I laugh at those parts - and most moviegoers don't appreciate that.

3.  A lot of us say we're not in the mood, but we sure are willing to read all about it.  My guess is, if you told your hubs you'd like him to tie you up and take you 5 different ways, he'd be more than happy to risk a heart attack trying.  Many of us have our own Christian Grey (minus the private helicopter) sitting in our living room in his boxer shorts.  Put down your Kindle and go ravage that man (or get ravaged by him if that's what you want)!

4.  I also realized after reading this book that I could never be a Sub.  Duh.  All that taking orders and speaking when spoken to and sitting in a corner and shit like that would make me insane.  Plus, I just cannot wrap my mind around getting hit for pleasure.  Again, not going to go into detail here, but I think I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to that kind of stuff.  My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

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253 comments:

  1. Thanks for posting this review! I just started the book and so far, I'm like...eh? It reads like any other trashy romance novel. I don't get the hype, but then again I haven't made it to the sex scenes yet. I agree with all of your commentary though and think my opinion of the book will be very similar to yours! I will most likely read the whole trilogy though just because I'll need to know how it all ends.

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    Replies
    1. After book 2 I found myself skimming over all the sex scenes. After all, they all seem to be about the same anyway.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous10:44

    I found book one incredibly boring!!struggling to get through book 2...when does the story start??

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  3. I agree 100% and was disappointed when I finished the book! The second book is MUCH better, but the things you point out still exist.

    I personally wanted to punch the "Inner Goddess" in the throat and suggest a thesaurus to the author. I think the word "pant" is on every single page.

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    Replies
    1. and "heady"! And yes that inner goddess and all of her stupid back flip round off crap was annoying!

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    2. How could I have forgotten about the Inner Goddess!? She drove me batty. That and all the lip biting. It's all coming back to me now!

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    3. Nicole13:20

      I would LOVE to punch the "Inner Goddess"! That girl has a multiple personality disorder!! lol

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    4. Thank-gawd people are thinking the SAME thing as me! All I can think is (just based upon the women I know who have recommended me the book is, "Wow! Those poor girls, never ever had real sex!" Haha

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    5. If I read "my breath hitched", someone "blanched", "laters, baby", or that he touched her "sex" again I might shoot myself....it was a 500 page book that could have told a much better story in 300 pages.

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    6. Hate the Inner goddess. Agree with your entire review but YOU DON'T LIKE DIRTY DANCING?! Game changer. ;)

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    7. Anonymous00:47

      If I read the word "heady" one more time...also wonder when there is going to be some kind of lawsuit over all the twilight similarities?

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    8. Corinne08:34

      Glad to know a lot of ladies were as unimpressed with the book as I...still considering reading the second and third books from sheer morbid curiosity!

      Delete
    9. Anonymous00:24

      Pant, hitched, murmured, Inner Goddess, Jeez (How do you follow "Holy fuck" with "Jeez")....Shoot me now.

      Delete
    10. Anonymous06:01

      "Was my undoing"... seriously, find another way to say that.

      Delete
  4. OMG! I feel the same way! I was like, thats all???? BORING! haha! I mean, I surely don't act like that, but, I was expecting more. A LOT more!

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  5. Jen, I want to go back through the book and count how many times Ana, flushed or blushed. Seriously, ridiculous. My inner goddess is telling me to punch the author in the throat. Thanks for not making me feel alone in my thoughts of the book.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous16:37

      Haha, I feel like that has to be a hallmark of Twilight fan fiction. Bella blushed at the drop of a hat in the books.

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    2. Or thinks "Holy Shit." OH.. that's 86 times.

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    3. Anonymous20:14

      Or how many times his eyes were "hooded"? And the continual reference to Icarus..

      Delete
  6. Thank you. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me? The writing and plot were so abysmally childish, that I, too, was just holding on for the first sex scene. I finally got there and then stopped reading. Apparently, I need more than THAT to hold my interest. Sad, huh?

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  7. Anonymous10:49

    Thanks for the review Jen! You have convinced me (as I previously assumed) that I do NOT want to read these books ...

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  8. Bethony J10:49

    I refuse to read it because of the hype. I've also heard it wasn't written very well (maybe she needed a thesaurus?). I will stick to the works of Megan Hart, who is the best erotic fiction writer...ever. :) You should check out some of her stuff. She is an actual writer and her books keep you captivated from the first page to the last.

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    Replies
    1. YES!!!! That's absolutely the writer I recommend to friends that want some "spice." In fact, you can go right on Amazon and read an excerpt for her book, "Tempted." I downloaded it immediately after that and was not disappointed. ;o)

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  9. I kept hearing about this stupid fucking book, and now that I've read your review, I feel like I know all I need to know. The world does not need anymore Twilight, no matter how it's dressed up. SHUT IT DOWN, ladies. SHUT IT DOWN.

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    Replies
    1. YES. THANK YOU.

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    2. I really wish there was a like button!

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    3. Did I read Twilight? Yes. Did I enjoy it a stupid amount? Yes. Did I still think it was lame? Yes. Should people keep trying to write ridiculous books like this? NO.

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    4. I agree 1000%.

      Oh, and I just checked my local library to see the availability of this book, and I would be 196th in line if I requested it.

      One hundred and ninety-five people are waiting to read this book.

      Delete
  10. Dumbest book ever!!! How many times was inner goddess used?? ugggghhh... The author couldn't even get her geography straight. The first few pages mentions how you have to drive through Portland to get from Vancouver to Seattle...FALSE! Vancouver is north of Portland. If she can sell books then my dog can...terrible!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous15:37

      Lol! That drove me nuts. I kept re-reading that part and thinking that I was an idiot about geography. Then I actually pulled out a map to confirm that I was right. By that time, I was so irritated that the sex scene was completely lost on me because I was obsessing about the geography of the Pacific Northwest.

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    2. Anon 3:37PM - lol!!!

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  11. I'm glad you posted this! You have convinced me not to read it because I believe it's way over-hyped. I don't think I'd be a very good submissive either.

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  12. Thank you. You are so right about this book and I am kind of sick of hearing about it.

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  13. Laughed the whole way through your review, I downloaded the book and you are correct to get to the hotness the plot is boring. I love your #3 suggestion, so true!

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  14. "I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up. The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents!" LOL! I havent read 50 shades of gray I am reading The Hunger Games right now and there should have been a spoiler alert for that book too because now I keep waiting for Peeta and Katniss to start getting their freak on!

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  15. Oh man I loved these books! You're correct on all points, but I have to say, my sex life is a whole lot better now! I will say, though, that when you go back to read them again and you're not all hyped up about them, they are hilarious. Absolutely hilarious! And I agree on the tampon part. WTF? Gross!!

    Keep the punches coming! I love them!

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  16. Anonymous10:51

    Thank you! I felt the same way about the first book, and frankly, I don't care enough to read the next two. I found it to be boring and a bit clinical, and the plot was a snooze and a half. The only excitement I got from this was the adrenaline spike when my mother asked me, "Everyone is talking about this book, have you read it and what is it about?" Trust me, you can be the parent of a pre-teen, but you are NEVER old enough to have that conversation with your mother....

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  17. Jessica Nettles10:52

    I read a preview on Amazon and was bored. It read like what it is--fan fiction. I could never be a sub either. He would try that crap, and I'd stab him. Or punch him in the throat and then stab him.

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  18. This is a great review. Actually, quite similar to what I wrote on my blog last month. Hilarious. You ROCK!

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  19. Anonymous10:54

    Amen, I had the same thought on the book too. There are hotter smutt books out there too that didn't get this kind of play! Truly, are publisher's paying off some entity to get these books to the #1 spot? Lately many of the "best sellers" to me are poorly written or hyped to the point that I think "what"? Like that adorably cute man that you think will be that good and it happens and it is like, WTH?

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  20. I felt the same way!!!! I admit I did go out and buy the next two books but it wasn't because I was dying to read it, it was because the first one kinda pissed me off that I had invested that much time into reading it I had to know if it had a point. Let me reassure you, you didn't miss anything. The way they talked to one another wasn't fantasy ......it was from another planet. I was very unimpressed. Christian wasn't desirable, he needed a swift kick in the arse.

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  21. I agree with everything you said. Period.

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  22. Read http://www.amazon.com/Claiming-Sleeping-Beauty-Anne-Rice/dp/0452281423 and then tell me 50 shades of grey is racy :)

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    Replies
    1. yep, I have that series, and I think one great difference is the quality of writing.

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    2. I have to agree completely here..... There are no better (or exceptionally detailed) S&M stories than the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. Talk about making you want to ravage (or be ravaged)!

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    3. My absolute favorite! Grey can't hold a candle to Sleeping Beauty! I have yet to find anything that can.

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    4. Anonymous13:56

      Must revisit the "Beauty" series...A. N. Roquelaure does BDSM so well!

      Delete
    5. Anonymous08:25

      Love the Sleeping Beauty series! This book does not compare. My personal feeling is that part of the fun is in being a strong person who trusts their partner enough to willingly submit...not being a weak little girl who gets taken over by some egomaniac on a power trip.

      Delete
  23. Anonymous10:55

    "My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work."

    so true! makes you wonder about your ordinary suburban mom these days when they are liking this stuff...

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    Replies
    1. That's also my reaction.Five years of martial arts training and I gotta tell you...a big sweaty guy trying to hit you and put you in a choke hold does not make you feel all romantic.It makes you train harder to kick his ass.

      Delete
  24. Anonymous10:55

    Thesaurus and dictionary would have been helpful. It had some spelling errors("sandles" really got to me)and other errors which paralyzed me each time. REALLY? I sooo need to write a sex novel. This woman made so much money and it isn't even that well written. Oh and don't get me wrong, I kinda dig Mr. Grey. And just like someone mentioned, I was disappointed in the ending of the first book, but I'm looking forward to the story continuing in the second.

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  25. Thank god! I am trying to figure out why this book is so popular because everyone I talk to can't stand it! Boring storyline, uninteresting characters, and sex that (minus the whipping) I can have anyday with my hubs. In an interview, the author said she believes THIS is what women want. Give me a freakin break! What I would really love is if a woman could write a REAL erotica novel. I'm begging for an intriguing story.

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  26. I haven't read these books and am SO tired of people recommending them to me. And tired of my close girlfriends suggesting I read them. It's like they don't even know me. ??? I imagine better porn in my head than I've EVER seen on Vivid Video even, and am pretty sure that any modern ladies' conservative 'smut' book would embarrass me...for the author. Not to be rude(r), but I can pretty much tell by the genre of my female FB friends talking about it that I needn't waste my time. No lie, my best friend of 14 years said something to me last night about my needing to read it, and I've never felt so misunderstood and alone in my life. Now back to my million-dollar imagination.

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  27. Anonymous10:56

    How many times can Ana exclaim, "Holy Cow!". I liked the books because I thought the sex was hot, although incredibly redundant. Not the best writer out there but she kept me entertained for a bit.

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  28. So I'm one of the people who is raving about the entire 50 Shades trilogy and yet I'm also happy to admit - I wanted them to STOP having sex after awhile. Are you kidding me? 3-4 times a day, every day? Order a damned pizza and see what's on HBO for a change! By the middle of the second book, reading about his "glare" or her "inner goddess" made me roll my eyes.

    Having said that, what seems like non-stop monkey punching goes into a pretty decent story. I read all three books in just under two weeks (unheard of from someone who usually just reads US Weekly) and I'd happily go back and read them again. My husband was pretty thankful too. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Laura13:56

      OMG, I thought the same thing! I got to the sex parts and found myself skimming over them. They never seemed to just hang out. It was horribly written, and my biggest pet peeve was that she could use the word VAGINA or penis for that matter? Calling it her "sex" was stupid. By the end of the book I really hated Ana. What friggin nag. Oh. and it's going to become a movie!? LOL

      Delete
    2. Laura13:59

      oops Couldn't use the word vagina. Look who can't write now. ha ha

      Delete
  29. I am pretty sure the hype about Shades is mostly because women feel like they have been given "permission" to admit they actually like sex. After hearing way too much about it, I tried the sample chapters on Kindle but was so turned off by bad writing, I didn't even want to get to the badly written sex scenes. I am also bothered by the fan fiction link. Though I don't think it's obvious now after all names of not-so-innocents have been changed, just knowing about the origin makes me not like it. I think most fanfic writers write to make tribute, not profit.

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  30. I do want to say - writing naughty books doesn't necessarily make them sell sell sell... I have a good friend who has a few that are actually really good on Amazon - and they aren't selling very quickly.

    But? I did enjoy the books, although I still can't tell you why.


    -Jac @ For Love and Books

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  31. Anonymous10:57

    You forgot the part where she says "holy shit" or "holy fuck" or "holy moses" or "holy..." (you get it. I'm tempted to go back through the book just to count how many times I find "holy."

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  32. You forgot to mention all her "flushing" and "blushing." And how she's constantly biting her lip... she shouldnt have a lip left by the end of the damned book. Spot-on review. BTW, you can get better, cheaper erotica/porn on the Kindle - probably the Nook, too. Some of it's even free. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  33. So glad you reviewed it, spot the freakin on! I only read it because libraries are banning it. Hot? Seriously? Anatomy books are more titillating. Since then FB friends have raved about it, I need new friends or need to turn them on to GOOD erotic literature. 50 SoG is neither erotic nor literature.

    50 Shades of Yawn.

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    Replies
    1. This, this this!! I have friends on fb going crazy over it. Though mind you they're old friends that I was never close to.

      It makes me wonder if sex is really that boring for so many women nowadays? I mean I've always been experimental and curious about sex. I'm not shy when it comes to what I want. I mean if I DON'T want it then that's great.

      I was given this book and I couldn't read past the 12th page. The writing is so bad it made my brain hurt. And when I said this online to a couple of those above women they told me to check out the sex scenes. Hell, I've done more interesting things then what this woman described. Those were the most boring, clinical descriptions of S & M I've ever read.

      My theory is that this woman read a couple books on S & M, gleamed a few of the basics she could remember and threw some dialogue in. Plus I'm really convinced that all the women going gaga over this book have probably never had sex outside of two basic positions. How else can you explain the freakouts over it all?

      I hate this book with a violent passion. No joke. I want women to be smarter and embrace their sexuality, not this crap. There is MUCH better Erotica out there. The Sleeping Beauty trilogy for one.

      Oh oh, and the one thing that pisses me off the most about this author?? She was planning on staying anonymous. That was the whole catch of the original marketing plan. But then she decided to go on book tours and do interviews. Blech. Makes me hate her even more.

      Delete
  34. I also threw up during the removal of the tampon scene. And not to ruin the last book, but he likes the taste of breastmilk. Gag! I did not go purchase a tie. And I would NEVER be a sub. I am too much of a controlling b-word! Maybe I should be a Dom!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous00:55

      my DH likes the taste of BM it is sweet. I mean he is not asking to go to the boob or anything but he likes it.

      Delete
  35. Alicia10:59

    I have to agree with you...I am about 65% of the way through the first book and so far, I am not as impressed as I thought/hoped I would be. It hasn't held my attention the way I had hoped/expected. And if Ana says "Oh my!" in her head one more time, mine might actually explode.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous17:59

      Didn't read the book, but I imagine the repeated cries of "Oh my!" would be so much better if imagined in George Takei's voice.

      Delete
    2. LOL-what wouldn't sound better in George Takei's voice?

      Delete
  36. I actually liked the story. It was a typical romance fantasy and I'm addicted to dysfunctional relationships, I guess. I started skipping the sex because it got old.

    And it didn't make me want to have sex because when I looked up it wasn't Christian Grey, it was a my husband and he still hadn't shaved...

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  37. Anonymous11:01

    Thank goodness for all of you!!! I thought I was alone in this world! I read a sample of the first book and was like "Uh, no thanks. I'm no prude but this is literature?" Then again... I hated Twilight.

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  38. I read all three...while the story gets slightly better, the writing I think actually got worse and/or more repetitive. And the sex happens every few pages to the point that I started skimming past it.
    I couldn't stop comparing every character in the book to its Twilight counterpart (it was so obvious). Worse thing of all? My coworker brought the book to work and said she'd found it in the TEEN BEST SELLER section of her bookstore-yikes!

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  39. Thanks for the review! I will save my money. She (like Bella) sounds like I'd get more pissed off at her being such a wimpy, sniveling little twit!
    If you want really good steamy sex mixed with vampires, were-animals and magic and/or fairies and magic... Laurell K. Hamilton is awesome! She can be a little gory, but her story lines are pretty good.
    The Anita Blake series is a vampire hunter and zombie-raiser that grows in her power and her sexuality more every book. And she's a stubborn, tough-ass chick!
    The Merry Gentry series is about the world of Faerie magic and Merry is a half-human rebellious Faerie princess with some very colorful suitors. Hot sex mixed with magic and the "wicked" auntie s&m freak rounds it out. No Tinkerbell's here! lol

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    Replies
    1. I completely agree with your recommendation of LKH books! Lots of sex but there is a good story throughout both of her series.

      Delete
  40. oh thank goodness for this review!! I am a consultant for Passion Parties and the reason I am reading it is that I doing a party for a book club. Like you I thought the 'sex' part would be a LOT more interesting, but it wasn't. I also though "Hey, maybe I should write a 'sex' novel!". lol.

    But most importantly, I love the "We have our own Christian Grey in our living room sitting in his boxer shorts" comment. You make your own romance setting - you just have to get out of your head and do it.

    What I do think someone can take away from the book is this: 1 - It never hurts to open yourself up to a new experience in your sexual relationship (well, unless you're being caned...) and 2 - I really like how he wants them to communicate every single detail about their sex. What does he want her to do; what does she want him to do? And I agree about the "trusting each other fully" for it to work.

    Also, I just heard that the book is meant to be part of the trilogy and not stand on its own. I'm halfway through the 2nd book, enjoy it more than the first one and can't wait to finish the series!

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  41. Anonymous11:07

    you women are suckers for this crap... my mom reads the "sex and suffering" stuff... you ladies read this drivel... kudos for your review and confirming my thoughts. Your final 3rd point is spot on... quit reading this stuff and go do it... you will like the sex and won't feel the need to read about it

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  42. Anonymous11:08

    Well, I thought it was just going to be a steamy romance novel until I read about the 'Red Room of Pain'. Then I thought it was going to be all porn fiction. But when the sex scenes started (when they FINALLY started), I couldn't help laughing uncontrollably. I can't help it. When you put sex in writing, it's just funny! In the end it turned out to be pretty tame as far as I'm concerned. But funny or not, it sort of started turning in a love story at the very end, and the characters seemed to get a little deeper and more complex (I said a little), so I'm moving on to book two.

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  43. I no longer feel like a loser for not having read it (My local library doesn't have it yet!) OR not having read any of the Twilight books or seen those movies. I HATE chick flicks!

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  44. Anonymous11:10

    I'm not sure why this particular book has garnered all the hype about it. Erotic romance novels have been around for a long time. One of my favorites is Bound and Determined by Debra Glass. The men are far from misogynistic and their heroines are more relatable. Her Behaving Badly wasn't too shabby either.

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    1. Agreed! All my mommy friends were raving about 50 Shades and I had to know what finally led them into the porn for housewives section of the bookstore. I am just saddened that 50 Shades is how so many women were introduced to the genre. It's like having sex for the first time with someone as clueless as yourself...awkward! Go for the experienced "Erotic Romance" authors, like Opal Carew or Lora Leigh. It gets better! ;)

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    2. Anonymous16:21

      My thoughts exactly. That's one of the many things about this that angers me. Erotica has been around for a long time, it's been done infinitely better (even at its worse), and those authors didn't need to steal someone else's characters and plotlines for their books.

      Delete
  45. peeing in my pants. I have not read it yet, and have no desire to. At 43, I probably did all that and more in my lifetime. yawn.

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  46. BWAAAHAHAAHAAAA after a while I found myself skimming the sex scenes. How does someone have THAT MUCH SEX? At some point she's gonna be like fuck this shit, I just want to go to bed.

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    1. LMAO! True...her anytime, anywhere no matter how exhausted she was from serial stalkers attacking was soooo believable. ;) Of course, it is fiction so make believe is fine. Plus, my opinion on what constitutes excessive sex is probably somewhat skewed from being married almost 20 years! LOL

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  47. It must be due to the fact that I have been reading nothing but academic articles for the past two years but...I really love this series! I don't over analyze every last detail because that would take the fun out of reading. Do yourself a favor and just enjoy the damn book...it's fiction for goodness sake!! I'm sure we will see a baby boom in about nine months due to this little number :)

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  48. I saw a news article about how libraries in various municipalities were pulling this book off the shelves because they didn't think an S&M book was appropriate to allow people (even adults) to check out. When I read the news story, and discovered that a book is so racy that libraries feel the need to resort to censorship, I was immediately interested. But based on your review and so many of the comments here, now I don't feel so much need to read it. I prefer the likes of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, the Dan Brown books, and other similar genre books for my action/adventure/suspense/fantasy fixes. I'll stick with Nicholas Sparks and his contemporaries for my romance fill. And I have a reading list of other books, like the Jodi Picoult books, to get through, as well. Shades of Grey has fallen to the bottom of my list... or maybe even off it all together.

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  49. Second best review of a book I absolutely have no interest in reading (first best is here). And not because I'm opposed to the idea of kinky sex - I've read all of the Sleeping Beauty novels. But because I can't stand poorly written garbage about women doing what it takes to get a man and then change him. Oh, I have no interest in Twilight either. Ugh.

    Frankly, it's no wonder that all those lawmakers out there are trying to keep women barefoot and pregnant if Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey is what is keeping them reading books. It's kind of embarrassing.

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    1. I totally agree with you. I've been kind of confused by all the hype surrounding this book. No desire to read this at all.

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  50. love you for telling the world that 50 shades is twilight fan fiction. all these silly chicks i know are so swept up in this book, but no one knows it's a total rip-off. knowing it's fan fiction made me expect more, and i got nothing more than twilight out of the free sample. glad to know there's one sensible woman out there who read 50 shades and knew better. i, too, still dream of edward cullen. i am irrevocably in love with him. LOL

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  51. I too was waiting for the first sex scene, and kept reading cause I knew it was coming! Pun intended. It is drug on a bit long, but I like the underlying story. It does get better in the second book. I never read or saw anything in the Twilight series, and I'm glad that I didn't before this one! But I think with all of the comparisons, I might just have to go read them after I finish this series.

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  52. I just read an article about this hype yesterday which suggested that it wasn't so much about how "all women secretly want to be dominated with a tie" but more about how Christian just GOT it, that no one had to painstakingly explain to him what to do to get Ana off.

    I'd have to say I agree with that notion. Particularly because I think woman have been conditioned to be embarrassed to talk about sex. Sometimes you just want the magic to happen without having to be so technical about it.

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  53. If people get off on bondage and females being submissive, they should watch the movie Secretary. That movie HAWT!!! I can never look at James Spader the same way again!

    BTW, did you see the SNL skit about 50 Shades of Grey?

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  54. I live in the moronic state that is banning this book from the library. Not to worry though...you can walk to the next aisle and check out as much "Game of Thrones" as you want.

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  55. Anonymous11:34

    Worst book I ever read!

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  56. I totally agree with this review! I had heard so much about it , how hot, how smutty.... Hell I made sure I didn't start reading it until I was alone and wouldn't be disturbed!!! And I was highly disappointed. I figured my "smut" bar was just set too high... Cause I never got turned on, I didn't realize that I may enjoy being a sub, and mostly I'm just interested in how Christian got so fucked up. I think it was his mother...

    Now I learn this was modeled after Edward and Bella? Ack. Now I don't know if I'll bother with the other ones.

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  57. I read the first book and I am struggling through the second. I think initially it was the sex that made me pick it up in the first place, then I noticed that I was skimming the sex parts.

    1. Nobody can have sex that often without their lady parts not falling off.
    2. He looks at her and she has an orgasm... Are we sure a woman really wrote this?
    3. Totally agreed about the author using a thesaurus. the writing is eh' and her vocabulary is utterly redundant.
    4. What it boils down to is woman are reading it because it is completely unrealistic. This, devastatingly handsome, uber wealthy, beautifully damaged, who takes control of everything, and magically gets fixed by the love of the right woman. HA!!

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  58. What? 61 replies and no one has mentioned how upon the initial moment of penetration, Ana goes ... wait for it ... "Argh!!" ??? I laughed like a loon. Then there was another "Argh" later. Really? People actually say "Argh" ?? Most hilarious book I've read since Mil Millington.

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  59. I'm no longer sorry I haven't gotten around to it yet.

    Thanks Jen! :)

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  60. Ah yet another reason not to buy this book for my wife...it's based loosely off of Twilight....

    Whowouldathought-Kevin.blogspot.com

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  61. Televina11:56

    Amen! I thought I was the only one who thought he was Creepy McCreepers. All the women in my town love the books but I was just cringing as I read them. And yes, I did read all 3. I was hoping he would become less creepy, and I guess he did a little but I still wanted to kick his ass.

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  62. Kris12:02

    I read all 3 just because of the hype. I laughed through most of it, but I am sure that wasn't the author's intention. Best joke in the series is that a newly devirginized young lady orgasms at the drop of a hat and at the strike of his hand! Ha ha and OUCH!

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  63. SPOILER ALERT: I wasn't on the edge of my seat to buy and read books 2 and 3 but I did and they get married and have kids....
    Might be worth reading just to see how much both Christian and Ana change through it all
    There definitely was a lot of eye rolling on my part (good thing there are no "twitching palms" around - was it me or were their emails so unnecessary to the story and really just plain dumb and annoying?
    Anyways - finish the series!! I wouldn't say it was the best trilogy I've read, but it was worth finishing

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  64. I just finished book #1 - and I agree with most of your assessment... I was more turned on when he was "hot elevator guy" in the beginning... I almost stopped at the contract, but continued. The first sex was pretty hot, then it got weird & tampon, yuck... I got book #2. At this point - I just want to know why he's so F'ed up... I've totally and completely overlooked / ignored the Twilight crap. I've made Christian David Beckham for my mental picture purposes. It makes him more interesting. I'd have been long gone at the contract, though... Too freaky for me.

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  65. I live under the rock called "3 kids under the age of 5" so I had never heard of this book before reading this post. I went immediately to Amazon to see if I *should* read it before continuing after your spoiler-alert and I was so bored with the description of the book I can't imagine paying for it (let alone THREE books) and reading through it.

    You want some nice sex in a story with a REAL plot? Read the Earth Children's Series by Jean M. Auel. That woman took some serious time to research anthropology and pre-history to give us a 6-book series on the love story between Ayla and Jondolar that starts with 5 year old Ayla and ends with Ayla's 5 year old daughter. THAT is a good series (with a few highly descriptive pages of "sharing pleasures" thrown in for good measure.)

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    1. I live under the rock called "3 kids under the age of 5..." <---Best. Line. Ever.

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  66. Anonymous12:20

    I actually recommended this book for a co-worker before I even read it - just saying oh I heard this was pretty hyped up. She bought all three - and was enthralled by them. Then she loaned them to me and I thought - Really? There were so many things about these books that annoyed me it was crazy. First of all - nobody enters willingly into that type of sexual relationship without having ever had sex before unless they are messed up in the head. To me that was completely unrealistic. The dialogue was in a word - horrible. The constant use of Inner Goddess made me sick. Even into the third book her shock and awe at his every move was completely ridiculous and the fact that they called each other Mr. Grey and Mrs. Grey constantly (sorry if this ruins it...)was just stupid. Married couples - even new ones don't do that. I did skip a ton of the sex - it was very redundant after a while and I agree with a poster above - no one has that much sex. Well - maybe a prostitute. The plot was also extremely predictable. I did not think they were great books.

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  67. Here's the thing. I kinda LOVED the movie Dirty Dancing. But I was ELEVEN when it came out, which means I also held the opinion that Kirk Cameron was funny and charming :)
    I DID go through exactly the same disappointment you experienced (both with Dirty Dancing and 50 Shades) when I agreed to see the EPIC movie Titanic. That movie made me root for the iceberg.

    Thanks for the PSA on what we should NOT be wasting our time reading, and for giving me the ok to use the word "creeper" a lot more often.

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  68. I literally read one page and when the single hispanic character kept saying "Dios Mio!" it lost me.

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  69. Anonymous12:34

    If you read Fan Fiction, quite a few people have already sexed up the Hunger Games trilogy - that "unknown" period before the epilogue of Mockingjay. Most are lame but a couple I've read are quite good and nice and steamy.

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  70. Anonymous12:42

    Who on earth calls it their "sex". I mean, really?

    I hear Anne Rice as A-something Roquelaire wrote some legit S&M if you're into that sort of thing.

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  71. Great post about 50 shades of grey. I am one of those crazy people who have read all 3. I did a post on this as well and did quite a lot of reading of reviews etc. yours is definitely one of the better reviews I have read.
    www.lifecherries.com

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  72. "The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins." That sounds exactly like Eroma by Piers Anthony. It's more silly than anything though. You could probably write it better!

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  73. I have absolutely no desire to read ths series, despite the hundreds of recommendations I've gotten for it. A, I'm not a Twilight fan. B, I read on the train, and no one needs to see me getting all hot and bothered on the train. C, If I want to spice up my sex life, I'm pretty sure Hubs and I can do that ourselves. One of my coworkers suggested this to me saying, "My husband was so glad I read this!" EW.

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  74. I've heard about this book from friends and I'm just not interested. I'd prefer to hang out under my rock...

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  75. I would have to agree with your opinions about this book. The tampon part was so disgusting. I had to reread it because, seriously?!?! I thought (and hoped to god) that I had misread it, but nope. I have gotten through the 2nd book - it was better, but stalled out there. I'll read the 3rd book.....eventually.

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  76. I think that women who don't normally read erotica or have sex in any position other than missionary with the lights off are the ones who are all hot for this book.

    I read the series. I liked it fine. Did it make we want to throw my husband down on the bed and do naughty things to him? No more than any average day that includes breathing.

    I do like that it is encouraging women to talk about sex, and to be interested in sex. Sex is good! Sex should not be withheld from you hubby when you are pissed that he leaves his socks on the floor!
    If you have increased your sexual activity because of the book--have fun! Just don't let the activity wane when the book begins to retreat to the netherlands of your brain. Sex is fun. Just do it!

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    1. You could not be more wrong. I loved the books. I do get on too and I also leave the lights on occasionally. It's judgemental to assume that only a certain "type" of woman could really enjoy these books.

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  77. I had been waiting for you to write about this! I really enjoyed the books but, you make some valid points. It certainly isn't a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. However, I think the author should be celebrated for her success. She's just a normal Mom, like the rest of us, who wrote about her fantasies. She never expected anyone to want to read them. I applaud her for living her dream and writing these books. They may not be everyone's cup of tea but I found them entertaining.

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    1. Anonymous16:34

      She really shouldn't considering these aren't her characters and contains numerous pilfered plot lines. She should be derided as anyone else who couldn't do their own work.

      And she very much wanted everyone to read this. She modeled her fic after the most popular fics in the Twilight fandom and cobbled together their plots just to get as many readers as possible. Even though it was one of the most poorly written, she somehow got that readership. Then decided she wanted to make money off of it. Her desire for fame and greed is well documented. http://crushable.com/entertainment/el-james-snowqueens-icedragon-fifty-shades-of-grey-twilight-fandom-wank-860/ just to start.

      Delete
    2. You are entitled to your rather angry opinion. However, I'd advise you to get your news somewhere other than crushable.com.

      Delete
    3. It's completely possible to celebrate an author for her success, while simultaneously writing a negative review of her book. And I think that's what Jen has done here.

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    4. Anonymous14:23

      It's always funny when someone thinks a generic accusation of "angry" is an insult. I don't have to trust Crushable. I watched it unfold. And there are widely known source links. Hence the "just to start" included in that comment.

      http://gentleblaze.livejournal.com/514.html
      http://bit.ly/kVsbeO

      Delete
  78. AngelaB13:55

    "... more than happy to risk a heart attack trying." made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! A big horsey hee-haw of a guffaw that caught me totally off guard!! So glad to be working from home today - that would have been embarrasing in the cubicle farm.
    Appreciate the review too - sounds like this doesn't hold a candle to The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy and mousey, subservient women make me furious. Guess I'll wait until this one's available for free at the library... and I have exhausted ALL other possible reading materials.

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  79. Great review! I only made it to the first cabin scene. The book is so poorly written that I can't believe she got published. My grocery list is better written than this book. It thing that makes me mad is some people think this is good writing. Bleh.

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  80. Anonymous14:03

    I'm LOVIN' y'all describing the scenes from the books. It's like an MST3K for literature!

    I had no interest in reading this one I read it was fanfiction because good fanfic is a bit of a "panning for gold" expedition. Did no one offer to edit it for her???

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  81. Thanks for the review Jen. Sadly, this is sort of what I expected. I just can't imagine a true hardcore good time of a book going this mainstream. In my early 20's I read a series by Anne Rice/A. N. Roquelaure "The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy." In my mind, I just can't see any type of bondage type book remotely interesting when compared to Sleeping Beauty. Anyways, thanks for the heads up!

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  82. Anonymous14:15

    I've told people you have to take these books for what they are...and the best way I can describe: They're on the same level reality television is for TV as these books are for books. For me, it's nothing more than an escape. Book two is definitively better than the first. I personally feel the author embraced more of the plot as the books went along, but it's certainly not winning any awards. Either way, I enjoyed them by not expecting much besides some guilty pleasure. (Pun totally intended.)

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  83. You just made my day! I started it a few weeks back after getting it from a friend. I got about four pages in and deleted it, no kidding. It was so brain numbingly dull that I figured I'd stick to straight up written erotica if I was in the mood to read about fantasy sex! Save myself the time and frustrations of muddling through the TERRIBLE writing, narration and plot of the "novel". As Ms. TooSmart up there says this does not hold a candle to the amazing A. Rice (or whatever pseudonym she would go by to write out her WONDERFUL smut). I think this is just an example of horny frustrated housewives who needed an excuse to read erotic literature. This woman is a lucky duck for managing to write something that is taboo enough to be exciting and mainstream enough to be picked up by EVERYONE. Heck, she even got those of us not interested to read it sheerly on account of the hype! Well played What'sHerFaceWhoWroteIt.....well played indeed.

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  84. Anonymous14:44

    When I read that it was a Twilight Fan Fiction, I decided not to even bother with it. I HATED the Twighligt books (I'm sure I'm the only one) so saying it was based on Edward and Bella turned me off. Now seeing how many people are saying it aws poorly written makes it even worse for me. Hell, I have a good sex life and dont' need a book to turn me on.

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  85. I stand strongly behind point #3

    'nough said

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  86. I'll admit it, I went through those books like hot cakes, but with a pencil in hand, making editing notes in the margins. Gah! I could have totally written this. The books are abysmal, but I think the majority of commenters have it right -- it's escapism at its purest. Once I got past the first sex scene, I just started skipping over any bits that had inner goddess (double fisted punch to her), lip biting, blushing, holy crap/fuck/moses. I wanted to poke my eyes out every time I saw that.

    Oh and did anyone else catch how Gray always said "Come" when he leading her hither and thither? Nice double entendre. I mean, really. . . she'd sneeze and have an orgasm. Nice.

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  87. Mloch53@aol.com16:58

    I reqd all three. Actually got so bored with his member and his just-fu$$ed hair that by the first of the second one i actually skipped the sex parts. My review? I wasted about 40 bucks i could've spent at a fancy cupcake store (which i don"t get, either)

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  88. I haven't read the book yet (which is shocking to anyone who knows me, because I go through books like a person with a cold goes through tissues) BUT thanks to you and your commentors I have finally figured out WHY people have recently been snickering at my personal quote/affirmation that I've had for YEARS: "Walk the goddess walk." Apparently, that's taken on a whole new meaning. Sigh. :)

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  89. Anonymous17:57

    I only read the first book too, and I wanted to punch Christian several times. Loved your review, but I have an issue with Dirty Dancing. I could watch that movie over and over. Nobody puts Baby in a corner!

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  90. Anonymous18:05

    Nobody mentioned mercurial?! I was so ready to punch anybody in the throat if I read that , "oh" or twitchy palms every again!

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  91. My best friend highly reccomended this series so of course I ran right out to Barnes and Noble to buy the first 2 books. I'm about 3/4 through the first one, and I must say I'm only still reading because I keep hoping at some point it gets a little less f*cked up. I totally agree with all of your points- especially the thesaurus. College kids could make a drinking game out of this book. There's more cheeks blushing, breath hitching, and inner goddesses than sex in this book!

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  92. I couldn't agree more! I am reading the first one right now after having several friends recommend it. I am thinking its just a very popular romance novel that women have been reading for the past forty years or more. It's interesting as I know absolutely nothing about S&M but I am with you...I could never be a submissive.

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  93. Thanks for the review...I am so over it and I've just heard about it from co-workers and friends. I'm not wasting my time reading it.

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  94. Anonymous20:06

    Thanks for saying what I thought I would feel if I chose to start reading the Grey series. I think I'll skip it. I must be weird. I have had no desire to read the Twilight Series or see the movies either.........nor Hunger Games....... Maybe I'm just too stubborn and don't want to give in to what's popular!!!! :)

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  95. Hilarious! See, I have finally learned to ignore the hype. I refuse to read it. I have also learned that most people are mindless idiots and follow the crowd. I love to say, "I thought it was stupid and the sex scenes, so boring, seriously, you think that is hot sex?" And I haven't read it, but 99% of the replies have been, "Well, it wasn't that great." That's right you dumb bitch, think for yourself. Thanks for the review.

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  96. Thanks for reading my thoughts! I was really waiting for this hot, I can't put it down, and I want sex type of book. I skipped through some of the beginning to get to the good parts.I am no sex slave/master/etc., but my mind can sure have been a lot more creative. Ok, so maybe some of it is from past experiences. ;)

    Book 2 I have, but choose to read other stuff first, because I just don't care about them enough to want to read more.

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  97. Anonymous20:17

    I think it is socially acceptable porn that sounds like it is written by a questionably educated preteen. How can you take a book seriously that uses the word "crapola" in a sentence? I wanted to punch her inner goddess in the throat. I couldn't make it through the first book!

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  98. Thank you so much, I want to read this even less now. I have heard to much about how great it is and then start hearing a few people saying "Eh, it's not BAD exactly," then heard it was twilight fan fiction (or started that way). By that point I was still a bit curious but wasn't in any rush, now I think I can just let it slide.

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  99. Val Kilmer is so hot in that volleyball scene. Yum.

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  100. Anonymous20:30

    Same here...bored with it...if you want read a book that pushes the edge more read the Claiming of Sleeping Beauty books...they are written by Anne Rice under a pseudoname. The images from that book still haunt me lol

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  101. Too funny, we just talked about these books at Book Club last night, and decided, based totally on hearsay, we would totally prefer to read something more real and raunchy :) I think that speaks volumes about my book club :)

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  102. I agree I agree I agree!!! It really does get old. I was not impressed I've read up to the 2nd one. It's pretty much all the same. And I don't get being hit as hot but to each his own I guess.

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  103. Anonymous20:53

    I effing loved the damn books...Hated Hunger Games...What drivel...Hated the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo...Hate most NY Best Sellers crap...loved these damn books...I'll be the only one on his string that likes them, totally OK with that...I also have a deep abiding love for Laura Ingalls Wilder...I'm a giant hot mess. But I'll tell you...The tampon scene? Yow...Call me a dirty bird, but that shit was crazy wild.

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  104. One pet peeve of mine--this book is written in British English with countless British idioms and expressions (e.g., we say "um" not "erm" and I've never had Beef Wellington and lemon syllabub served to me anywhere except in a London pub on a Sunday), yet it is supposed to set in Seattle. What did she do, just figure London and Seattle are both rainy cities so how much difference could there be? Do your research, lady, or just set it in London!!!

    Jen, not to correct you, the first naughty scene is on page 70. SEVENTY. I kept reading, suffering through the atrocious writing for SEVENTY pages, so I could get to what everyone was talking about. Then it was like an addiction carried me through--not to mention the freaking crazy ending of Book 1 that practically forced you to buy Book 2.

    I suspended my disbelief (and bound and gagged my inner writer/editor) for the sex scenes, which are fun. They're the only scenes that flirt with decent writing in the books, so I'll thank her for that. I'm in the midst of Book 3 right now and starting to get bored.

    I'm taking notes on all the well-written erotica you're mentioning here, ladies--thanks for the tips!

    And BTW I totally resisted the Twilight hype, never read those, and I feel TRICKED now that I understand they are Twi-fan fiction--so, essentially I ended up reading it anyway! But now I'm even more definite I'm not reading THAT.

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  105. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I started to think *I* was the insane one! Everyone and their mother is telling me to read this book. I have no problems with porn and BDSM, but it extends way beyond the bedroom here. This guy is telling her who she can talk to, what she can eat and drink, where she can go (he literally stalks her). Umm, are you kidding? That's supposed to turn me on? This damaged, controlling, manipulative creeper is the one women all over the country are lusting over. I seriously hope the women reading this book wouldn't ACTUALLY date a guy like this.

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  106. Please. The only writing I've sold so far were two ultra short stories to Playgirl. This stuff is nuthin'.

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  107. Anonymous00:21

    If anyone is even compelled to read the series after Jen's spot on review you can find it for FREE on the web.

    The Fan Fiction version is floating around in cyberspace. The ONLY difference between it and the books are the character names. That's it.

    Just Google "Master of the Universe", "snowqueen icedragon", "twilight", "fanfiction". The pdf is floating around.

    Save yourself the $$ because IMHO its not worth it.

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  108. Kyla Larson00:35

    Thank you for this - this was my brief Facebook post on this book. I couldn't have agreed more!

    Fifty Shades of Grey: I don't mean to offend anyone who likes this book but I've been seeing several posts about it and wanted to put in my 2 cents. I heard the book was 'disturbing' which intrigued me but then I was disappointed because I thought the writing was terrible. Page 2 - She has an interview in Seattle but she says,"The roads are clear as I set off from Vancouver, WA toward Portland and the I-5. It's early and I don't have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon." If you head toward Portland Oregon on I-5, chances that you will end up in Seattle are pretty slim (0 actually). So I was hung up on that for a while because I think if people are going to write a book, they should do their research (or at least know that Washington is north of Oregon). But I kept reading because of all the hype. Then came the words 'my breath hitched' and 'his breath hitched'. Over and over and over... So many times that I wish I would have counted so I would have been able to include that ridiculous number in this post. Get a thesaurus already... it's free on Google. Needless to say, I did not read the next book. I thought I'd mention it since the media is raving about it. If anyone wants my copy, I'll kindly pay you to take it.

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  109. I just borrowed this book from a friend who told me that it would, "give me ideas."

    I mean, it would but I am a 40 year old woman who has seen/read a lot. I am not into s/m but I've read it. Anyone remember the Vampire Chronicles. Anne Rice did erotica too. And it was sucky s/m as well.

    I am only 115 ages in and as a compulsive reader, I am sure to finish it, but when they get to the 'sexy time'and she tells us that, "he takes off my Converse. . ." all I think about is Who the Fuck wears Converse? Why am I getting repeat brand placement. Who is this written for?

    For F's sake, I blog, so I get it. Drop in brands where you can but, sheesh. Get an ad.

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  110. I almost bought all three books on my nook color after like you, hearing they were just so good. The day I was going to get book 1 I started hearing it wasn't so good. After hearing your review I'm glad I didn't buy it. I don't lnow what kind of books you like but you should read the Wednesday letters and recovering charles by jason f wright. Both are really excellent books!!

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  111. Oh yeah two more good book are gemma halliday "spying in high heels" and adrienne giordano book "man law". Man law is a second in a series and I haven't read the other 2 yet but that has a lot of sex, normal everday people kind of sex that does get steamy at time. They are books I would read several times, especially man law, now that I'd love to see made into a movie!

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  112. "We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell! " <----Bwahahahaha!

    Jen, I may just love you! I love your review of 50 SHADES. I'm a book reviewer, but I haven't had one ounce of an inkling to read this book--despite the hype. You just confirmed that it's everything I thought it would be (which isn't much).

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  113. Kristin07:38

    OMG I agree with every word! And holy crap- I've been meaning to write some adult fiction for YEARS and never got around to it...now I'm kicking myself because this mediocre author is making the big bucks and I didn't even try.

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  114. Based on your review I think I'll skip this series. Thank you. I can add that the whole tampon thing you mention was probably taken from "9 1/2 Weeks" by Elizabeth McNeil. At least in that one the girl realised how destructive the relationship was and got out.

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  115. Angela09:05

    Thank you so much for writing this! I am in the middle of the first book and having a hard time finishing it. After only the first little bit I had to put it down because I was appalled by how he was treating her. Yet, all I kept hearing from other women was how they wanted to marry him. Some women even admitted that they can’t function in their real relationships because they realize their husband will never be Christen? I’m sorry but huh (I would use other language but it is your blog)? Why would you want every move you make be controlled by your husband? I just don’t understand and really appreciate the fact to hear another strong woman stand up and say that this is trash and women should not be treated this way! Thank – you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous13:32

      If you keep reading the 2nd and 3rd books - you might start to like Christian better. :-)

      Delete
    2. Anonymous14:26

      No, you won't. He gets even more abusive. It's disgusting. I'm infinitely sad for the women who think he is a decent man in any way.

      Delete
    3. Nancy16:38

      I totally agree with anonymous. He gets worse and learns NOTHING.
      By book 3, I kept wondering how could anyone find this guy appealing?

      Delete
  116. I commented yesterday but found myself drawn back to read the rest of the comments.

    I think what bugs me about this book I haven't read (my irritation for all things Twilight and poorly written pablum aside) is the concept that THIS is the introduction that millions of women are apparently getting to BDSM.

    No one (short of a Disney heroine) falls in love with a cruel person and turns him into a loving, affectionate softy. The true crux of a BDSM relationship is in established love and trust leading to a scenario in which one person manages to give the other complete control, to allow herself (gender language aside) to be pushed to her limits of pain and pleasure in a completely safe environment. The idea that the sub has no control is an illusion - she has control but the scenario is created to discourage her from exercising it unless she absolutely must. The rush comes not from being ordered and spanked but from an almost trancelike state in which you accept being ordered and spanked without retaliation and with gratitude for someone else taking over your mind and body. Although it's not something I personally practice, submission is a fascinating look at love and trust in a way most of us don't find another way to experience.

    This book apparently represents BDSM as well as it gives directions from Vancouver to Seattle. If you read this you deserve to know what people in the BDSM community are saying about it.

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  117. Anonymous09:43

    Really interesting comments here. I
    don't feel I need to read the books
    now. Has anyone read Orchid Pink
    by Toni Sands?

    ReplyDelete
  118. Meh, Story of O,

    Justine, 120 days of Sodom, Venus in Furs. I'm old school when it comes to the BDSM stuff.

    The safe word is: "Rumplestiltskin"

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  119. Anyone wanting well-written sex scenes should try Diana Gabaldon. The first book in the "Outlander" series (called "Outlander" LOL) is what I'd start with. Imagine a happily married couple that has hot sex. Gasp!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nancy16:36

      Oh yes, indeed. I recommend these books to anyone who tells me that they are reading 50 Shades. If you want to see character growth, a great plot, well written sex scenes and a male main character who puts Christian Grey in the dust...read the Outlander series. You won't regret it!

      Delete
    2. Jamie is my favorite fictional male character, hands down. I love, love, love the Outlander series.

      Delete
  120. I have never read Twilight (nor do I plan to), so I was not comparing these books to anything. I had never heard of "fan fiction" before.

    That said, I totally enjoyed all three books. It was just a fun fantasy, interesting (and detailed) sex, and lots of wealth. And pretty/handsome people. Fun.

    Yeah, we could all go ravish our husband sitting watching TV in their boxers, as you say... but it's still not a hot (make believe) guy that spends 45 minutes on foreplay and buys you lots of clothes that fit perfectly. I don't know about you guys - but that is not happening in my house!

    It's just a fun read. I expected nothing from it, so I enjoyed it. I read it because of all the hype... but, I'm glad I did.

    I always enjoy your blog. Thanks for writing!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous21:25

      I totally agree with you Melanie! I thought it was a great escape. Admitedly, its not the best written stuff. The book mentions her "sex" way more than it should have and it was starting to make me roll my eyes. And the whole biting lip thing, OK, please (again?). But for some reason I HAD to read all the books. I read them in record time too. I've never read the Twilight stuff, so I never compared this book to that series either. Its a great escape, nothing more. Maybe I'm not the best critic because I've just gotten through reading my upteenth nursing textbook and I'm ready for mindless drivel! I don't know! In the end A LOT of people have read that book(s).....that author is rich!

      Delete
  121. Oh, 50 shades sucks! I can summarize the 2nd and 3rd book to you in one paragraph. No lie!
    I would recommend not wasting your money to read the other two books. If you want to, go to the library.
    I don’t know what the hype is all about. The Author did a horrible job and the story line just plain sucks

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  122. After reading your review, I'm not in the mood to rush out and buy the book. As for the being a sub, much like myself, you're not the "shut up and look pretty" type, so I just don't see that working out so well for either of us.

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  123. Heard some vague hype about the book and wondered what it was all about, then saw your review. As a male reader and a husband, may I just say "AMEN!" to point #3. Ladies, I'm almost 100% sure your husbands or boyfriends (if you have them), would be thrilled to satisfy your every desire. All you have to do is ask, or make a vague suggestion, or hell, just look at us suggestively...that will probably work.

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  124. Anonymous18:36

    So glad I am not the only one who has no desire to read these. I still never read any of the Twilight series either.

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  125. i think i'll just go on the holds list for this book at the library. even if that means i am number 1,278,692 on the list and i won't read the book until i'm 172.

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  126. It was basically one step up from a Harlequin Romance. The author seriously needs a thesaurus, but I guess she is laughing all the way to the bank.

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  127. J.S.00:21

    Just (painfully) finished the first book, not sure if I'll continue to the second. Am I the only one that wanted to punch the author in the throat every time I read the word "Jeez?" Seriously, 4 times within 3 pages...Two of those were in the same paragraph.

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  128. That is just why I won't be reading this book. I looked at it and really, I think I read racier stuff when I picked up my first Rosemary Rogers at the age of fourteen. (not to mention Harold Robbins) ;)

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  129. I enjoyed it, and I will read the next two. But it didn't compelling me to rub up against the washing machine or anything.
    My theory is that the women so taken with it either have very limited sexual experience, or have never seen actual porn.

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  130. Thank you. I'm a Twilight fanfiction person, and I wanted to vomit all over myself when so many people read this when the characters had their original names. Now, every time I see a woman I know post about this awful book on her facebook page I want to slap them upside their head and ask if they've EVER read anything decent. This is not a revolution of mainstreaming smut and making it acceptable for women; it's a poorly written, misogynistic piece of crap with barely believable (or appealing...or relate-able) characters. Your review gives me teh happeez.

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  131. I'm so glad I'm not the only one that didn't find it at all impressive! The grammar and writing were horrible for one. Two, I felt like I'd read this plot with these character (as you said) a few too many times before. Three, I'm from Vancouver, WA, graduated from WSU-V and still liver nearby. If you're going to write about somewhere real, do research, make the reader feel it. (even if it is just Vancouer, WA) I felt like it was a joke. I stopped halfway through I couldn't take anymore. I wish peole would please stop talking about this and I'm sure the movie will be as awful as the book. I would love to punch everyone who loves this in the throat.

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  132. Re: #1 - the suggestion that we should all try our hands at writing this kind of stuff... I did. Kind of.

    http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/04/03/fifty-shades-of-laundry-folded-neatly/

    Never read the whole book. But I imagine I'd have felt about it the same way you did.

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  133. Anonymous23:04

    Sorry I didn't read everyone comments before adding mine . . .so apologies if I'm repeating some suggestions.

    As the only person on the planet that hasn't read any of the Twilight books (I couldn't get past page 10, sorry) or seen the movies, it's helpful to know that the reimagined characters might be part of the reason I couldn't even make it to page 42 of 50 Shades of Grey (it was already on a Kindle I purchased off eBay).

    As far as other recommendations, Black Lace imprints are amazing. Written by some of the best female erotica authors, including Alison Tyler, Kristina Lloyd and others, the Wicked Words anthologies are great samplers to figure out which authors are to your liking. Black Lace printing was suspended in 2009, but you can find them on Amazon and eBay, and another company, Ebury, announced 4/26/12 that they will start publishing under Black Lace again starting in September 2012.

    Crystalle Valentino, Lucinda Carrington and Emma Holly are three great authors that write for Black Lace.

    Maya Banks & Lori Foster are also pretty reliable.

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  134. Nothing could suck the sex out of something like Gilbert Godfied reading the book:

    http://www.jest.com/video/174214/gilbert-gottfried-reads-fifty-shades-of-grey

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  135. Great review I got finished with book one and thought the same thing after reading all 3 cause I had them I really think she could've condensed the first 2 books into about 20 pages at the beginning of book 3 and it would have been a pretty good mystery romance

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  136. thanks to this: "Plus, I just cannot wrap my mind around getting hit for pleasure. Again, not going to go into detail here, but I think I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to that kind of stuff. My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work." i need a new keyboard. thanks.

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  137. I just succumbed to the hype on vacation last week. A woman in front of me on the plane was reading it, as were several other women lounging by the pool near me. I found myself venting to my husband about this book throughout the whole vacation. Like you, I can't understand why an educated, modern woman would choose to be a sub. It seems incredibly degrading. The dirty sex bit - hey, if that's your thing, fine. But the way he wanted to dominate all other areas of her life was so messed up. And I got so sick of reading about her "subconscious", "inner goddess," "belly" and how C's eyes were "molten" and would "darken." I'm pretty sure eyes don't do that. Maybe if he was wearing a dark shirt (which he never did - only white linen) could his eyes appear darker. Good grief. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to read the other two. My book club is discussing it tonight and I'm sure it will be a lively conversation!

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  138. Christine23:31

    Amen. And I had to spend all my time turning them into people ten years older than they were written. Really? A self-made gazillionaire of a diversified conglomerate AT 28 YEARS OLD? Give me a freaking break. If she'd made him 40 and her a sheltered 30 year old grad student or something, it would have had at least a veneer of plausibility. But as it was...ick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous19:53

      I have to picture him, at least, older. What 27 yr old makes $100,000 an hour and can seem hot-yet very pornographic!
      I am on book 3-- only because I started and want to see the ending.
      I think it's for women who have NEVER seen porn because that's basically what it is -BAD porn!

      Delete
  139. This was the worst book (or part of book) I ever read. HATED this so much. I read the first nine chapters and I couldn't finish.

    The only thing I could do with my husband upon reading this was pounce on him and rant and vent at how horrible this book is.

    I mean, the idea of an experienced dominant purposely seeking out an in experienced virgin as his submissive is absolutely repulsive.

    Sometimes, I think we all need to form a support group because I am so sick of hearing about this horrible book.

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  140. I have read all 3 books, and never once did I personally find anything arousing, but everything was very repetitive. I found them to be a good read for the most part, but I think the author could have come up with better ways of wording a lot of things, and it was very twilight.

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  141. I am about halfway through the 2nd book and I am done. He finds women that look like his mother and has to beat them in order to get off? Oedipus complex much? I'm out!

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  142. I am so happy I found this! I really was beginning to feel like I was the only one. I read all 3 and got angry with myself for reading them somewhere in the middle of book 2. I just don't get the hype. I can not see how it's going to be a good movie; it calls for a complete rewrite. Get the screenwriter a thesaurus at least!

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  143. Yikes....is it bad that I can not agree with almost 95% of these comments. I love the trilogy for its love story. Christian does evolve, it is beautiful. Give book 2 and 3 a chance, Jen. Anyway, I still love ya :)

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  144. Anonymous07:38

    I have to agree..book 1 didn't do it for me. I ended the first book with, "that's it?". I was a cat and mouse chase without much of a plot. But, I felt compelled to read the next 2 just to see what happens. I finished 2 with, "okay it's getting a little better" and now I'm 1/2 way through 3 and it's def picked up. His character does "evolve" and there is a little plot now. But, book 1 was disappointing.

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  145. Anonymous20:01

    I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the inner Goddess!
    My favorite line so far is
    She is draped in diamonds ,a pink boa and 4" F*$% me heels!
    She makes me smile every time she peeks out!

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  146. There's just so much out there that's better. I blogged about it and linked to you. Great review!

    http://lovenotesfromthegroin.blogspot.com/2012/06/sexy-reads-that-are-not-fifty-shades-of.html

    ReplyDelete