STOP! SOME OF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD. DO NOT READ THIS POST. (I KNOW, I KNOW, THAT ONLY MAKES YOU WANT TO READ IT MORE, BUT REALLY - STOP.) THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. GO READ YOUR SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE PLEASE AND TRY AGAIN HERE TOMORROW. IF YOU STILL REALLY WANT TO READ THIS, THEN LET YOUR MOM READ IT FIRST AND LET HER DECIDE. I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SULLYING YOU.
ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ 50 SHADES OF GREY, GO BACK UNDER YOUR ROCK AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. THERE ARE A TON OF SPOILERS HERE.
ONE MORE. IF YOU ARE MY FATHER, DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL NOT GET IT AND THEN YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED WHEN I SEE YOU THE NEXT TIME.
I have only read the first book in the trilogy, so my review will only be for that one.
I actually heard about this book from my friend Mary when I was visiting her in New Hampshire. We always talk books and she told me this one was hot, hot, hot in her sleepy little school's carpool line. I'm always looking for a good read and especially one that comes so...umm...highly recommended.
I came home from NH only to find that the actual, physical book was sold out in bookstores and there was quite a waiting list of fellow literary aficionados (perverts) waiting for the next shipment. WTF? This of course made me desire it even more. I had to know what the fuss was. The book was available in an electronic format, but at that point we didn't own a tablet. What to do, what to do? I did what I had to do: I went on Facebook and appealed to my friends to loan me a Kindle so I could read my smut. Within 24 hours I had a fully charged Nook in hand with the download completed and I started my S&M-filled journey (thank you, WP).
Maybe I should back up here for the men in this group and the few of you who live in caves and explain a bit about this book. This book was originally written by a British "mum" as Twilight fan fiction. She re-imagined Bella and Edward as human adults. And this time around, rather than a lust for Bella's blood, Edward has a lust for tying up Bella and spanking her until it...uhhh...doesn't hurt anymore (if you get my drift).
OK, back to the story. So because the book is fan fiction you really can't read it without thinking of the original Bella and Edward and how similar the characters are. Once again we have a clumsy (Seriously, when have you EVER fallen over your feet in the middle of someone's office? I have only winked and roared), virginal, and beautiful girl (who, of course, doesn't realize she's beautiful) with a dash of a naive/innocent wonder thing going on.
The guy is once again impossibly handsome, ridiculously rich, completely overbearing and controlling and a bit of a creeper (I just learned that's a word all the awkward 13 year olds are using). He's always telling her what to wear and when he can see her and she's always sitting around waiting for him to call so he can spank her some more.
Let's get down to the sex, shall we? I mean, really, that's what we're all reading this book for, right? I don't have the book in front of me anymore, so someone will have to verify this for me, but I swear they didn't even have sex until like page 40 (of the Nook edition) or something. Let me tell you, the plot wasn't riveting enough to keep interested until that point. I kept reading, because I'd been promised hot, hot, hot, naughty adult sex.
FINALLY, they get it on. A lot. Now, I've been re-reading The Hunger Games trilogy lately, so ANY sex in a book would be considered steamy after that book where a close mouthed kiss on the lips is saucy. So after page 40 there's a lot of sex. I really don't remember much of the plot following that. He whisks her off in helicopters and cars to his playroom where he can tie her up and ride her like a trussed up show pony.
After all of that, I was just sort of like, Eh. That's it? That's the best you can do?
I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the Hubs and I have a bondage room or anything, but I just thought I'd need a dictionary of sexual positions and Google to figure out some of the stuff they were going to do. Instead, it was all pretty much what I could think up - a little tail whipping here and there, some naughty bath time, a tie or two, but nothing too hardcore. His "member" strains a lot, her "sex" pulsates a bunch, she can't touch him, but he can do whatever he likes to her. If anything, I was a little grossed out by some of their intimacy. At one point Christian actually removes her tampon before he has sex with her. Is that meant to be hot? Because I threw up in my mouth when he did that. That would pretty much kill the moment for me.
Before I read the book I heard a lot of the following:
"You'll go out and buy your man a tie, just so he'll tie you up." I have not made any tie purchases.
"You won't be able to finish the book, because you'll want to find the Hubs and get it on." I read it on vacation at my aunt's house. Hell to the NO was I moved to do that in her house.
"You'll realize you want to be dominated." Nope. I did not come to that realization.
"Not even a little bit, Jen?" Nope.
"You'll dream about Christian Grey." I dreamed about kicking his misogynistic ass. Now, Edward Cullen, that boy I dreamed about in all his sparkling glory. That was a creepy, rich, controlling, hot guy I could get behind.
"You'll want to rush out and buy the next two books right away." As I mentioned at the beginning, I've only read the one. I now have a tablet and a credit card and I could easily buy the next ones, but I've got other books in my queue ahead of those. I will get to them, though, because I am curious to see Christian evolve (I've been promised he does).
This is what I did learn:
1. We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell! After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard. I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up. The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins. I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing."
2. I should never believe the hype. This happened to me in 1987. I still remember. I really wanted to see Dirty Dancing. I couldn't drive yet so I was at the mercy of my parents and they could never get me to the theatre. I'd heard so much about this movie at school - "Patrick Swayze is unbelievably hot!" "Jennifer Grey is so plain and ordinary - just like us!" "The dancing is so cool." I was literally dying to see it. I was going crazy. FINALLY, my mother took me in the "15th Explosive Week" that it was still playing in our small town. I came out of there so let down. Patrick Swayze did indeed look good, but I was still getting a lot of play out of the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun and Patrick did not hold a candle to Val. Jennifer Grey was not plain. She had a bit of a nose with a perfect ass. This movie made me realize I don't like movies with a lot dancing in them. I laugh at those parts - and most moviegoers don't appreciate that.
3. A lot of us say we're not in the mood, but we sure are willing to read all about it. My guess is, if you told your hubs you'd like him to tie you up and take you 5 different ways, he'd be more than happy to risk a heart attack trying. Many of us have our own Christian Grey (minus the private helicopter) sitting in our living room in his boxer shorts. Put down your Kindle and go ravage that man (or get ravaged by him if that's what you want)!
4. I also realized after reading this book that I could never be a Sub. Duh. All that taking orders and speaking when spoken to and sitting in a corner and shit like that would make me insane. Plus, I just cannot wrap my mind around getting hit for pleasure. Again, not going to go into detail here, but I think I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to that kind of stuff. My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.
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