One of the things that Mary and I love to do together is go to the movies. When I arrived Mary already had the movie schedule on her kitchen counter. We picked an afternoon movie so we'd have time to get back to watch The Oscars. (Total side note: Did you see Tina's dress last night? She looked AH-MAY-ZING. Looks like she finally got it right. Joan Rivers and her Fashion Bitches can't say anything bad about my BFF now. Way to go, bestie!)
Back to my story. On the way to the theater, Mary and I reminisced about our past escapades at the movie theater. It's never a dull night (or afternoon) for Mary and I at the movie theater. We tend to attract drama when we go to the pictures.
Mary was my movie date for "Twilight" a few years ago. We watched the movie surrounded by tweens and teens on "dates" (loud, face sucking make out sessions). There was a lot of noise and ruckus going on and Mary and I were not happy. Here we'd managed to convince our husbands to put the kids to bed that night so we could go watch our silly, teeny bopper Vampire movie; we'd put aside our own time we usually use to read smutty books and fend off our husbands' advances; and these idiots were ruining it! We were pissed. You don't get between 30 something women and their sparkly Vampires!
After a few heavy sighs and other passive aggressive clues to pipe the fuck down, I finally yelled, "Hey you guys! Just.....SHUSH!" and Mary chimed in, "Yeah!" And then we slunk down in our seats in case they they decided to throw Coke and/or popcorn at us. Mary couldn't believe I didn't tell them to "Shut the fuck up!" but as I explained to her these were someone's little darlings and I just couldn't do that. Instead, I went all "Mom" on them and resorted to "SHUSH." It worked, though. For another twenty minutes or so until I had to yell "Seriously. Shush!" and the ballsy man (What self-respecting man goes to watch "Twilight"?? Whoever he was with had better cherish him - he loves you, girl!) chimed in loudly with: "Yes. I agree!" Yes. I agree? Easy, cowboy, don't go too hard on them. They're just kids.
Ahh...good times showing punks who the boss is...We were laughing as we walked into the theater tonight and Mary said, "Do you think tonight will be punch worthy?"
I replied, "Nah, I doubt it."
By now you know, I was wrong.
We bought our tickets and our jumbo popcorns and headed to the ticket taker.
The ticket taker was a teenage girl who apparently hated her job. She was also sick (Grrrr.....you know how I feel about people who drag their sick asses to work).
|Our ticket taker would never wear this pin.|
Huh? We were? We stepped out of line and I said, "How early are we? What the hell?" I looked at my ticket. She had made it sound like we were a day early. Seriously.
I looked at my ticket. Our movie was going to start in 17 minutes. WTF?
"Well, what time can we go in?" I asked. "I don't understand. The movie is actually going to start in 16 minutes. What time do you seat people?"
Snotty Frog Girl glared at me. She tried again in vain to raise anyone on her walkie. "Bud? They want to go in." No response.
"OK. You know what? I honestly don't care. You guys can go in. I don't care if the theater is ready or not. Just go ahead."
You don't have to tell us twice. Mary and I grabbed our tub o'popcorn and headed into what we assumed would be a deserted and trashed theater.
We walked in and found an almost COMPLETELY FULL room. WTF?!! There were barely any seats left and from the looks of how low everyone's vat of Coke was, we believe they'd been in there for a good 20 minutes hogging all the good seats!
Mary and I looked around to find two seats together. The front row was available. Of course. We kept looking.
We finally saw two seats together and made our way to them. I went in first and squeezed in next to a nice, oversized gentleman who breathed a lot like Tony Soprano, but at least gave me the armrest. I thought I'd lost the seat lottery until Mary sat down in her seat. Poor Mary's seat was broken and if she didn't sort of learn forward the whole time she was forced to recline in the lap of the woman behind her, which happened more than once.
About the second time Mary's seat malfunctioned, she looked at me from her horizontal position and said, "Ohhhh, this is getting a punch!"
Yes it is, Mary, yes it is.