Help! My Kids are Turning into Cheap Bastards!

"I think you can get one more wipe out of this, Jen." - the Hubs

Every summer I send my kids to Vacation Bible School (VBS). Every year the church adopts a different charity to raise money and/or supplies for. This year was no different. This year they picked a local charity that offers basic necessities to needy children in the community. Each night the kids were encouraged to bring different items to donate.

My mom usually takes the kids to VBS for me. When she brought them home on the first night, they entered the house deep in a serious discussion.

"He won't do it," Gomer insisted.

My mom replied, "Well, let's just ask him and see."

"You can ask, but I don't think he will," Adolpha said, shaking her head.

"What's going on?" I asked. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Tomorrow is toilet paper day," Gomer explained. "We're supposed to bring toilet paper to donate to the kids, but I told Grandma that Dad will never let us do it."

"Nope," agreed Adolpha. "Dad will say toilet paper is too expensive."

Happy Father's Day!

Today is Father's Day and I should probably write something sappy like the Hubs did earlier this week.

Eh, I don't know that's so not my style, but never say never, I guess.

The kids and I stopped at the local small town Wal-Mart on our way home from camp to buy some Father's Day cards.  I was looking at Father's Day cards at the store and I realized holy crap cards have become expensive.  When did that happen?  My kids kept grabbing 5 and 6 dollar cards!

Especially for my dad.  I don't think he saves any card we give him, so the hell I'm going to spend 5 bucks on a card that he's just going to toss.  Instead, I'll send him an Amazon gift card (note to self: order Amazon gc when this post is finished) and he can buy whatever new spy novel or 1,000 page historical fiction book he would like.  Done and done.

What to Get Your "Lovah" for Father's Day

Father's Day is fast upon us and if you're anything like me, you're thinking ... "Psht, I've got another week or so to find the Hubs something. Maybe a nice tie or some golf balls."

Meanwhile, the Hubs hasn't worn a tie in 15 years nor does he play golf. But it's the thought that counts, right?? I mean Father's Day isn't a big deal like Mother's Day. I don't need to have a whole day set aside for him where the kids and I make him breakfast in bed, complete with adorable home-made cards from the kids with coupons for "ONE FREE HUG," followed by doing whatever it is that he wants to do all day. Do I???

Oh shit, I think I do.

But if I let the Hubs decide what we do all day, he's going to choose something boring like the art museum. Nooo!!! I can't look at another weird modern art installation and wonder "Is that art or did someone accidentally spill something on that canvas?" I have got to get a plan in place before he forces us to pretend to like art all day.

So, I got to thinking. What would I want if Father's Day was Mother's Day? Maybe I could use my wants and desires to figure out the Hubs' wants and desires.

What the BROCK is going on?

"You don't know me, but you've been inside me, and that's why we're here today."

This was the opening line of the statement Brock Turner's victim gave after he'd received a 6 month sentence for sexually assaulting her.

"You don't know me, but you've been inside me ..."

I don't know about you, but those words made me feel a lot of emotions:

More rage
and finally even more rage

Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

I never enjoyed being pregnant. I never "glowed." I slept like crap and something was always aching, sore, or bulging. After Adolpha was born, I knew I was too damn old to ever do it again.


I've just learned of a new and highly profitable business venture. The catch is, to make any money in this new market you must be pregnant. The profit margins are so high, I'm thinking of coming out of baby-making retirement just so I can cash in on it before the bubble bursts.

What is this hot tip? You ask.

Used positive pregnancy tests. As in peed upon sticks.

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