What to Get Your "Lovah" for Father's Day

Father's Day is fast upon us and if you're anything like me, you're thinking ... "Psht, I've got another week or so to find the Hubs something. Maybe a nice tie or some golf balls."

Meanwhile, the Hubs hasn't worn a tie in 15 years nor does he play golf. But it's the thought that counts, right?? I mean Father's Day isn't a big deal like Mother's Day. I don't need to have a whole day set aside for him where the kids and I make him breakfast in bed, complete with adorable home-made cards from the kids with coupons for "ONE FREE HUG," followed by doing whatever it is that he wants to do all day. Do I???

Oh shit, I think I do.

But if I let the Hubs decide what we do all day, he's going to choose something boring like the art museum. Nooo!!! I can't look at another weird modern art installation and wonder "Is that art or did someone accidentally spill something on that canvas?" I have got to get a plan in place before he forces us to pretend to like art all day.

So, I got to thinking. What would I want if Father's Day was Mother's Day? Maybe I could use my wants and desires to figure out the Hubs' wants and desires.

1. A whole day all ALONE -- Nope. That won't work. The Hubs never wants to be alone. If anything he wants more time with me.

2. A nap -- Nope. The Hubs dozes off almost every afternoon, so naps aren't as special to him as they are to me.

3. Brunch -- Nope. "Do you know how much brunch costs, Jen? And it's almost all eggs--so cheap!"

OK, I had to think. I want to give him something where we can spend time together and it's relaxing--but not so relaxing he falls asleep--and it must be cost-effective.

As fate would have it, that day I received an email alerting me to the existence of Melt: Massages for Couples. It kind of fit the bill: alone time, relaxing, not too expensive, but massages?? Really?? Besides sounding like a shit-ton of work, it also kind of gave me a creepy vibe. I thought, "No fucking way am I going to watch videos of some rando man-bunned hippie dude greasing up and rubbing down his furry-armpit lady while calling her his 'Lovah' and swapping spit and then see it fade to black with some kind of bow-chick-a-wow-wow music." Because we all know THAT'S how massage videos go.



Maybe I was feeling desperate ... or frisky ... or maybe I was just feeling some tension in my shoulders, but I clicked that link to see if I was right.

Imagine my surprise when I found really nice videos featuring Denis, a short-haired dude (not a man-bun in sight, thank goodness) with tons of professional experience promising me that everything I'd see would be PG-rated, no "something something," as he likes to say, going on in his vids. He shows off his skills on his own (fully clothed, non-hairy-armpit) wife, but he never calls her his "lovah," which made me strangely disappointed, because he has a heavy Australian accent and I think even something corny like "lovah" would sound pretty fucking awesome with that accent. He even cracks jokes and you know how much I love people who can laugh at themselves. I was sold.

Anyhoo, the videos give tons of practical advice like WHERE to give a massage (spoiler alert, it ain't the bed, people) so you can more comfortably and better reach your partner's "mooshy mooshy yum yum bits." (His words, not mine, but they're mine now!) The videos advised me on what kind of massage oil to purchase (the Hubs was like, "We've got Crisco in the pantry! Why do we need to buy more oil?"), and that I need to put down some towels to spare the rug.

Now it was time to get started. The Hubs does not usually like massages. The idea of having his body touched like that does not appeal to him in the least. I, however, would let a man-bunned patchouli-smelling hippie dude who lives full-time on a beach massage me at a moment's notice. I hold all judgment if you're going to work out my kinks. That's how much I like massages. The Hubs kept trying to reverse the roles and get at MY mooshy mooshy yum yum bits and I was like, "Nooooooooo, this is your Father's Day gift, you dummy. Now shut up and let me do this!"

So, I watched the videos and tried to memorize the techniques, we got the recommended oil, I put out old towels, I got into the advised comfortable position where I could be close enough to the Hubs so I could whisper romantic sweet nothings into his ear while I massaged him.

It took all of my willpower NOT to whisper, "Relax, you sonofabitch. This is going to be fun, damn it!"

I started out right. I warmed the oil in my hands (because dribbling cold oil on your partner is no no) and I did my basic technique. I whispered in the Hubs' ear, "How is it?"

He replied, "It's slippery, yeah?"

"Shut up, time for level two!" I hissed, because I am romantic and loving and I want to please my partner!! And that's when I unleashed the "sexy swoosh."

Yeah, the "sexy swoosh" is one of the easy techniques that Melt offers. However, it's not that sexy when you're mumbling to yourself, "And ... sexy swooooosh. And ... sexy swooooosh," while doing it. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do anything that requires dexterity or rhythm ... or sexiness. It was like I had feet for hands.

After a few more minutes of me pawing at his back, the Hubs said, "Are you tired yet?"

I wasn't, but I realized that I was fooling myself if I thought I got this massage series for the Hubs. I got it for ME. What does the Hubs want for Father's Day? Time with ME. What do I want? A MASSAGE.

So, we switched.

I let the Hubs watch the videos and lemme tell ya: the sexy swoosh is really really nice when done properly (and silently).

There are over 120 minutes included in this series and we've barely cracked the surface. I feel like we need to get the basics mastered before we move on, but I peeked ahead and there's something called the Hairdresser technique. Yeah, that's a freaking head massage. If there ever comes a point in your life where you need something from me and you don't think I'll give it you, ask me while giving me a head massage. Keys to the car? Sure. Hundred bucks? No problem. Kidney? It's all yours.

I tell you what, if the Hubs learns the Hairdresser he just might get a little something something.

You know you're curious now. You know you have nothing yet for Father's Day. I'm telling you, this thing is win-win. If you want your own unlimited access to the Melt: Massage for Couples series, then I can totally hook you up. It's only $99. That's for ALL of it. The sexy swoosh, the hairdresser, the mooshy mooshy yum yum bits. That's less than most date nights and you can use this all the time. Like FOREVER. Your access never expires. Click here and get yours PLUS a free foot massage video!  If you're sitting there going, "I don't know if Sherman will enjoy having his mooshy mooshy yum yum bits touched," don't worry! There is a 60-day money back guarantee, try it and see what he thinks. Sherman might surprise you. Or if you've got a cheap bastard for a husband like do, Denis has you covered. There's a 6-month payment plan. Boom. When you're sexy swooshing your man you can whisper in his ear, "This was only 22 bucks this month, lovah." There's really no reason NOT to try this thing. It's fun and if you're not a complete idiot like me, it's kind of sexy and I think your husband will finally understand why you like to be pampered so much. And if he hates it, let him try the Hairdresser out on you, even better! You can't dilly dally though, this deal won't last forever and Father's Day is going to be here shortly, so get your gift now.

As I'm sure you've guessed by now, this was a sponsored post. I was paid to give my honest opinion (contrary to popular belief, I wasn't paid in essential oils).

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