The Two Bridezillas

Today a reader brought this story to my attention and boy, did I sit up and pay attention!

OK, so here's the deal: two women got married in Canada. They invited 210 people and spent $34,000. That breaks down to about $162/person. Fancy schmancy wedding, right?

You would think that everyone who was invited would bring a fancy schmancy present to such an affair. Well, at least the two brides thought that. In fact, it sounds like they were counting on that. Apparently, they were expecting everyone to bring cold hard cash. Forget registering for a blender or bathmats - cash is king at this wedding.

If there are tea towels in there, I will cut you. 

Well, one of the guests and her date didn't get that memo. Instead they brought their "go-to" wedding gift: a basket filled with fancy schmancy salsas, oils, biscuits, marshmallow spread, and more with a card that reads "Life is delicious - enjoy!"

Hmm, the brides took one look at this gift and let the guest know that her gift sucked balls. Yup. First, one of the brides texted her and asked her for the gift receipt because her spouse was gluten intolerant (liar!) and they needed to return some of the items. After a bit, she decided to follow up with another text full of helpful advice for future weddings this couple might attend:

"I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate . … and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads-up for the future."

Wow. Talk about Bridezilla.

OK, so let me just get this part of the way: Yes, the gift was a terrible gift. It was lame and if you received that gift you'd scratch your head too and say, "Oh, Kathy! I can't wait until YOU get married and I can give you a basket of Jolly Ranchers and licorice in return. Even one of those fluffy toilet seat covers would have been a better idea than Fluff." But that's where it would stop. 

Instead, my ire is reserved for the two blushing brides. (They should be blushing after this egregious behavior!) Can you imagine getting these texts? What the hell, ungrateful bitches. Here's some advice for them: no one throws a wedding to get rich, you dolts. Who ever told you that is as dumb as you are. Also, if you can't pay for your party, then don't have it. When I receive a wedding invitation I assume I received it because the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) have invited me because I am somehow special to this crew, not because I look like I'm good for $200 (minimum).

I think it's ballsy (except these are a couple of girls with vaginas, so it is "twaty") of these women to assume they're going to make bank at their wedding and then let you know what an asshole you are when they don't.

What do you think? Am I wrong?

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Kimye Had A Baby and Lost Their Minds

North West? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are we being punked? Is this is a test to see how dumb the world is that we would really believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would name their adorable, sweet baby girl North?? As in North West.

I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.

Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).

Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)

'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)

Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)

Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:

Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal

Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.

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My Kids Watch Too Much TV

My kids and I are away at family sleep away camp this summer. We go every year together and every year we all seem to forgot how “rustic” this place is. It's so rustic that we have air conditioning and private bathrooms and WiFi – but only in one building and it's not the one we're staying in, so for me that's roughing it. The Hubs hates bugs and bunk beds more than I do, so he makes the supreme sacrifice and stays home to work, because someone's gotta pay for this adventure.

We arrived yesterday afternoon and here's a conversation I had with my kids:

Upon arriving and checking out our home away from home for the next week:

Adolpha: This is great! I get the top bunk! Woohoo. WAIT. Where's the TV? There's no TV? I don't think I knew that before I came.

Two hours after we've arrived, we realize I've forgotten to pack everyone a sweat shirt and it's cold, so we trek back into town to hit the local yokel Wal-Mart to peruse their wares:

Gomer: I'm really proud of myself. I didn't think I could last this long entertaining myself, but I've done really well. When I first realized there wasn't a TV, I thought I'd never make it, but look at me now! I'm totally entertaining myself!

Me: Gomer, you've entertained yourself by unloading the car, making your bed, unpacking your stuff, and playing with a soccer ball for thirty minutes before I took you to Wal-Mart to shop. Let's see you get through tomorrow without telling me you're bored and then we'll call it a success.

A Proud Member of the Worst End of the School Year Mom Ever Club

Yesterday no fewer than five people sent me a link to a blog post and said, "Jen you MUST read this!"

Yesterday was the last day of school for Gomer and Adolpha. You know how sometimes you get to Friday and you say, "God, this week took forever!"?? Yeah, not this week. Every night this week I was like, "Wait tomorrow is _____??? Shit. I can't forget to sign Gomer's reading log so he can get it turned in and claim his reward, he wants a special pen for yearbook signing, I'm supposed to help out at both of their end of the year parties, I'm chaperoning a field trip (WTF? Why did they schedule the last Kindergarten field trip the day before their last day?? Even the teachers who scheduled it were regretting it that day. There were many dedicated teachers up in the wee hours of that next morning putting the finishing touches on end of the year [tear jerker!] slide shows.), I'm in charge of the class gift for Adolpha's teacher, and I need to vote on that last minute PTO thing before Thursday. Plus, I'm probably forgetting six other things."

I would open the blog post and I would get the first paragraph read and I'd be pulled away for another million reasons.