Rules for Raising a Boy - 18 (Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

There is a list making its way around Facebook about 25 Rules for Mothers of Sons.  Have you seen it?

It's a very pleasant, feel good, vanilla-flavored list with lots of cute little things like "teach your son to do laundry," "learn how to throw a football," "let him get dirty," and that sort of thing.  I am not going to attack this woman or her list.  (I learned my lesson last time I did that.)  I think the list is fine - for her.  It's just not my cup of tea.

Instead I decided to pay homage to her and make my own list.  Here goes:

PIWTPITT (18 Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

1.  Teach him to be confident and kind.

WTF Files: Random Sh*t on the Internet

I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been hanging around the blog much these last several months. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I have to. I've been super duper busy working on a new book. Only this one is taking me a little longer, because it's not a PIWTPITT book, it's my first fiction book. EEEEEK!!! I've been working on it for a long ass time, but it always got shoved to the bottom of my to-do list. I finally decided that this year was the year I'd move it to the top of the list and make it a priority. Even blogging can't get in the way.

BUT ... I couldn't help myself today. See, even though I haven't been blogging much, I'm still keeping up with all the shenanigans on Facebook. I have to have SOME fun distractions while I'm writing. Luckily, my friends on Facebook never fail me. They send me some of the weirdest, freakiest, funniest shit and I wanted to share it with you.

Tooth Monster Dolls - OK, this is probably the scariest thing I've seen in a long time. You know how when your kids lose their teeth and you collect them. What do you do with them? I have a Ziploc bag full of teeth hidden in my sock drawer. I have no idea what I'll do with them. I didn't want to throw them away because they were so sweet, etc., etc., but now I have a bag of teeth in my drawer. Like a serial killer or something. Well, don't worry, Pinterest has come to our rescue. Now you can make a Tooth Monster Doll and glue or sew the baby teeth into the mouth and your child can be too terrified to sleep at night because his new doll has a mouth of gleaming choppers poised to take off a finger or two. Also, what are those eyes made out of????

Kimye Had A Baby and Lost Their Minds

North West? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are we being punked? Is this is a test to see how dumb the world is that we would really believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would name their adorable, sweet baby girl North?? As in North West.

I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.

Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).

Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)

'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)

Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)

Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:

Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal

Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.

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Fastest Rising Baby Names

OK, so by now you know how much I hate weird names.  Yesterday, I received the newest edition of American Baby magazine (along with a free sample of Enfamil - WTH?  I'm waaaayyyy past this stage and I'm not sure how I got on this list again!).  Anyhoo, I noticed on the cover of the mag there was an article entitled "Pick a Name You'll Love Forever!" and since baby names has been a hot topic for me lately, I HAD to read the article.

This is what I found out:  a lot of people are mashing up names when they can't decide who should "win" the baby naming war.  OK, so one parent likes Lilliana and another likes Ella so they go with Elliana.  It reminds me of "The Electric Company" (Sh.....ip....ship).

At the bottom of the article they had a list of fastest rising baby names and the list made me laugh.  Here are some of my favorites:

Adelyn and for those of you who don't like that spelling you could be different and try Adalyn which is also on the list.  (I actually like Adelyn and Emily and so on, it's just all the crazy spellings people come with for the same name that cracks me.  Says Jenni with a cutesy "i".)
Same goes for Maliyah and Malia (Unless maybe the first is pronounced MahLEEah? So glad I'm not a teacher trying to call roll.)
Kinley - and people think my kid has a dog name?  If I had a dog this would be a name on my list.
Caylee - the Britney of the aughts.
Londyn - easy enough if you don't like so many "Os" in your name.
Cullen - TwiHards perhaps??  No one wants an Edward so this is a good compromise and I bet most dads don't realize it's a Twilight reference.
Jax - and his sister Jilz?
King - Trump might have another kid just so he could use this one.
Jasper - More TwiHards??  (Although, I will admit I like the name Jasper - I'm into old man names.)
Kason - Hmm....I just can't think of why I don't like this name, but it just looks and sounds wrong to me.  It looks like you were trying to name your kid Jason and someone missed the J key when they were typing up the birth certificate.  Maybe it was a mashup compromise.  Mom likes Jason dad likes Kevin?  Mom likes Kaeden and dad likes Mason?

While the baby names are fun, the punch today goes to Enfamil and American Baby.  Get me off your lists and stop sending me free stuff I neither want nor need.  The baby factory is closed and will not be reopening so stop wasting your money and resources on me!

BTW, anyone need INFANT Enfamil?  I've got a free sample you can have.

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