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Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

Have you heard the news yet? I am absolutely BRIMMING with excitement for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and their new little "Kash Kow" (thanks to some random Kanye Twitter follower for that bit of brilliance). That's right! Kimye is going to have a Bay-Bay. Imagine my delight when I awoke this morning and the first piece of news I heard was that Kim was going to get a gut to match her ass.

Hello, my name is Kash Kow.
Where do I even begin with this hallowed event? First, let me congratulate Kim on landing a baby daddy that can at least afford to keep her baby in fur onesies and solid gold binkies and all before she's even legally divorced from her husband, Kris Humphries! (BTW am I the only one who thinks Kris looks like the dumbest guy on the planet? His mouth is always hanging open and he always looks like he's going to say, "Hey, babe . . . oh, never mind, I forgot.") Anyway, Kim's mother, Kris Jenner, must be so proud of her not yet divorced daughter getting knocked up by a wealthy rap star who hasn't made any indication he has plans to marry her.

Oh wait, of course she is. This is a girl whose whole family's claim to fame is that she made a sex tape that was caught up in some sort of brouhaha when it was leaked (probably by a family member) and then she had to go to court where she was awarded $5 million.

Of course Kris Jenner is thrilled. She is Kim's pimp. She probably brokered the deal with Kanye herself. She probably told him she can get E! to televise the birth (sponsored by Shape Ups, of course) and they can split the money and now he can be part of the official Kardashian holiday card.

It was time to branch out the Kardashian line. Literally, this morning on the news, one of the reporters said something like, "I"m not sure what they have planned, but this is a great branding and marketing opportunity." The possibilities are endless. After whipping up some revolting - I mean chic - maternity clothes, they can sell ad space on the baby bump to the highest bidder. Then after televising the birth of the baby, there's always the chance for a spinoff reality show where we can watch Kim take the baby to Mommy & Me classes in 6 inch stilettos and interview nannies all while she hawks some weight loss company. Plus, the products! Imagine! Kardashian Kribs, hair extensions for babies (how embarrassing to have a bald newborn) or inserts for diapers so babies can have the Kardashian booty.

I'm sure Mama Kris is already way ahead of me planning a baby line. Sure she's got other grandchildren she could have exploited, but those are Kourtney's kids. Ugh. Kourtney doesn't have the "kache" that Kim has. Kanye and Kim make "Kimye." There isn't a cute nickname you can make up for Kourtney and her deadbeat baby daddy, Scott Disick. There aren't any "branding" or "marketing" opportunities for someone who looks like a whiny, spoiled Eurotrash douchebag!

I would just like to congratulate Kimye on successfully consummating their relationship and I would like to send a little message to their baby. (My guess is Kimye, Jr. will have an official Kardashian-endorsed Twitter account by noon where I can message him/her.) Dear Kimye, Jr., declare emancipation now or put yourself up for adoption. Do it now before your parents name you something stupid like Kornell.

34 comments:

  1. I TOTALLY agree with your Kris Humphries comment. He's got the douchiest face I've ever seen!

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    1. Like he's perpetually trying to catch flies with bad breath!

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  2. I'm sure that E! has already signed the fetus to a TV deal! UGH!!

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  3. It's always irritated me that people forget how she got famous... way to go on the Sex tape, what a proud mama moment knowing your exploited daughter is now and forever your financial support. Blech!

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  4. Its only on TV because people watch it. Look who's stupid now...

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    1. Are you implying that Jen's stupid for watching THE NEWS?

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    2. I'm implying that if people didn't care about Kim and Kanye, it wouldn't be on the news. To be honest I didn't know Kim was pregnant until I read this blog. And no, I do not live under a rock. 99% of what comes out of the entertainment industry is complete garbage and I decided long ago that's not an influence I want in my home. So I do not watch the main-stream news machine precisely because they choose to give this poor excuse for a human being air time.

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    3. Of course you didn't know about it until you read this blog -- it had only been "news" for 12 hours by that point! So, see, you're actually part of the problem that you claim to eschew.

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  5. You never fail to make me smile.

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  6. my husband and I were just discussing on why she is famous! what does she contribute to the world anyway? does she do any charitable work with all her dirty money? I hate her. I don't hate alot of people but she is on the top of my list!

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  7. Now this is the PIWTPITT that I know and love!

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  8. This post right here? This is why I am so eager to read your blog every day! Love this!

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  9. I love you Jen. I love-love-love you!

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  10. Love this! I was complaining about this earlier today. You are hilarious!

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  11. Ohmygod. I love you. Exactly what Jenny bAKER said--LOVE LOVE LOVE! The snark, the sarcasm, the awesome writing--absolute perfection.

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  12. Bwahahaha!!! Now THIS is hysterical!!!

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  13. Great and can't help, but agree about Kim's mama. The woman would sell her soul to the devil himself if it meant making more money!!

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  14. Don't even say "Kimye" again. But, I do love the pic.

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  15. Clearly, she's doing something for Kanye. And the baby is a good indication of what that something is.

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  16. What do you mean there is no nickname for Kourney and Scott?
    We could call them: Skort
    Or Korsick
    Or Dis-knee-son-alopee (for all four of them)
    I just have to say; I already feel sorry for this kid, and UGH, get divorced first ya freak-tard

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  17. You rock. Happy New Year.

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  18. On the View (can barely stomach that show, but saw a clip), they asked her that since she gave Kanye a Lamborghini, what has he given her. She replied that he gives her his support. What a bunch of dill holes!

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  19. I hope this is the worst rumor EVER, or that Lamar somehow gets custody of Kash Kow, divorces the other K, and moves to Indiana to raise the kid in a secret compound that doesn't include white couches, hair extensions or teeth bleaching.

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  20. You don't know me but you're my new best friend.

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  21. Kris Jenner has 2.5 grandchildren, none of them legitimate. And same sex couples are the big threat to traditional family values?

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  22. I just wanted to say hello and thank you. Thank you for being another filter-less mother who says it straight. I was introduced to by a friend that simply said..."she reminds me of you" And I am grateful to read your rants and I want you to know, I have your back sister.

    This whole Kardashian thing is ridonKulous! Please, in the face of social issues that are so much more important than these stupid K-twits, why do we care? And Mama K is a pimp...yes I said it....I did.

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  23. @Susan Thatcher there is no such thing as illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents. please keep the name calling to the adults and leave those unfortunate children out of it. they didn't ask for this. I agree with the point you made but I can't stand the labeling of children based on their parents behavior. please don't take this comment as personal attack. I really just cannot stand that expression.

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  24. I once despised Paris Hilton. I prayed she would disappear. What we got now....is a billion times more disgusting! I hope Kimye's child birthing hurts, simply because she annoys me. Our society has really taken a noise dive. I wish people would stop supporting these attention whores.

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    1. Oh, please. She'll have a scheduled c-section so the baby can be born at the time of her choosing, attended by a plastic surgeon who will not only insure minimal scarring from the surgery, but can tummy-tuck & liposuck her back to her pre-baby shape before she's even off the table. :\

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  25. That poor child. He/she doesn't stand a chance.

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  26. Wouldn't it be great if it was a girl that loooooves Taylor Swift!!!!!

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  27. Is it weird to anyone else that Kim's last two boyfriends both have "K" names? And they are the only two she bound herself to in some significant way. Talk about brand loyalty...

    Ugh Scott Disick. That is the best explanation I have ever heard of him.

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  28. Ok, that picture is fucking disturbing!
    Devan

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  29. I couldn't agree more. I only wish I had that picture to use on my blog when I posted on this topic! Hilarious. I mean disturbing.

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