Kimye Had A Baby and Lost Their Minds

North West? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are we being punked? Is this is a test to see how dumb the world is that we would really believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would name their adorable, sweet baby girl North?? As in North West.

I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.

Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).

Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)

'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)

Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)

Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:

Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal

Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.

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Weekly Wrap Up 1.5.13

The first week of the new year! Happy 2013 everyone!

If You Don't Read Anything Else at Least Read This Section:

Yesterday I asked readers on my Facebook page to send me links to their favorite funny bloggers. I got tons of responses. I am still sifting through them. The good news is I already read a lot of them, so it was nice to see some "familiar" faces. If you have more, keep telling me about them.

I've started a new Pinterest board this week. Do you follow me on Pinterest yet? What are you waiting for? It's ah-MAY-zing. Seriously, Pinterest is great. I pin funny stuff. I pin recipes I'll never make. I pin crafts I've made with my kids. I pin books I want to read. My new board is all about bloggers I like. I've invited a bunch that I read and I've opened it to the public. Anyone can join - let me know if you want in. I figure it's an easier way to keep track of blogs without overwhelming my Google Reader, plus this way I can share them with my Pinterest followers.

I'm having a Twitter party this Sunday. Actually, every Sunday. Every Sunday night at 9 PM EST log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch. It's a fun time with a bunch of hysterical people chatting about absolute nonsense. For those of you who are worried Twitter moves too fast, etc. You're right. It does. However, you get better at it the more you do it. I can actually keep up with half the conversation now and I can last an hour before my head explodes. This Sunday I'm shooting for an hour and a half.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Kimye is Having a Baby!!! - I don't know if you've heard or not, but Kimye (Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) are having a baby. I know it hasn't received much media coverage, I mean there wasn't one "Breaking News" report or anything! (It's as if the world couldn't care less!) This was like a New Year's Miracle for me. Christmas had been so touchy feely and not much going on in the way good celebridiot news so when I saw this I was ecstatic. It's good to be back in the land of snark. I can't wait for eight more months of listening to this waste of space complain that pregnancy is "hard" and "not fun." This one got picked up by the Huffington Post this week.

I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome - It was such a relief to see how many women felt exactly the same way I did. Who knew? It was good for the Hubs to see too and realize that I'm not crazy.

My 2013 Resolutions - I wrote some resolutions last week and so far, so good. I've hung up my coat once and I worked out with Kris. Killing 2013!

Rules for Parents of Daughters - This post is right around a year old now, but every few months it has a resurgence on Pinterest and spikes for a bit. It's a fun list that I wrote with Adolpha in mind.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - This one has great tips for posing your Elf next year.

Book Update:

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat has been doing great! Here is my favorite review on Amazon this week:

5.0 out of 5 stars Not pretentious, December 29, 2012

By 

Katy Unkelbach - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Kindle Edition)

Love Jen's blog and the book didn't let me down. I've never written a review, but I am doing it for Jen. I finished another blogger 's book before reading this one and it felt like a brag book about her kids, her sex life, and her yoga and running abilities. This read was a breath of fresh air complete with honest criticisms of herself and others and fun stories I can relate to, with a few potty words I never use but think often. Thanks Jen for keeping it real.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):

Everyone needs alone time. Go to the library or something. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Ironically, I tried to go to the library on Thursday. The Hubs joined me. He did let me sit at a table by myself and write though. Baby steps.

Thankfully my creeper, I mean husband, doesn't follow me around. But I get incessant questions when I'm more than 2 feet away. What are you doing? Aren't you gonna watch this movie with me? Want me to rub your feet? Come snuggle. Argh! I need some space, too. Or a bottle of wine. I'm not picky. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

OK, here is a perfect example of the grass being greener in someone else's stalker relationship. The Hubs could be with me all the time if he offered to rub my feet. I just want a good foot massage but he thinks my feet are stinky - even after a shower. 

hmm... curious what the Hubs had to say about this post. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Good question. The thing you must understand about the Hubs is he the type of person who has absolutely no problem laughing at himself. When he first started irritating me that day I threatened him that I would "put it on the blog" thinking that the idea of public humiliation might rein him in. Instead, I think he actually stepped up the annoying behavior, because he started going through the archives and was really pleased to see how many times he's been "punched" on here. He feels a little famous. After I wrote the post in my fit of anger I calmed down a few hours later and asked him to read it to make sure it wasn't too mean. He laughed his ass off and told me he "loved it" (and me and then asked if we could go grocery shopping together and both push the cart).

I get what you're saying. I've been there in the past. But PLEASE count your blessings! My husband died in a motorcycle accident over four years ago... and I'd give just about anything to have him at home, bugging me. just sayin' :) on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I'm sorry for your loss. I count my blessings every day. I know there isn't another man on this planet who could put up with the bullshit that is Jen and I know that without the Hubs I wouldn't be able to accomplish half of the things I have.  

2013 resolution #2 success! Nothing says "I love you" like a steamy, suggestive obscenity! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Holy Fuck bomb batman! My husband just returned to work yesterday after a two week break and when he called to see if I missed him I honestly had to tell him, "Ummm...not really. It has been quite nice. Plus, the house is so much cleaner without you here." I'm dreading retirement! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I think if the Hubs was an ice road trucker and was gone for months at a time I would miss him, but when he runs out for half an hour to get his hair cut I barely have time to notice he's gone.

I'm sending this to my husband because you've written what I haven't had the balls to talk about: he needs to BACK OFF! I left the other day and he said he didn't like how the house felt without me in it; "it's lonely." I was at the grocery store, loser. Cripe. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I actually have tears coming down my face from laughing so much. Tell your hubs I'm emailing this post to a few friends, so your stats will go up ;) Maybe that'll get him off your back for 2 minutes. Just maybe. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

He says it wasn't enough. You need to mail it to ten more friends.

Holy crap, I can relate. I'm still really young and engaged, so not yet married. But he always loves to be together and doesn't like for me to run errands alone, and I am 100% certain I have not showered by myself since we started dating. Do you know how irritating that can be with two water hogs? It sucks like ass, let me tell you. One day he was just driving me batshit crazy. So, looking for some advice, I turn to my grandma who was married to my papa for a long time and cared for him as he passed away. I said "grandma, is this what its like to have a husband?" Bless her heart, she took me around the shoulders and laughed in my face. She said, "marriage is being with someone you want to murder, but not doing it because you'd miss them too much. That's the key, if you'd miss them, then you have a working marriage." Right on lol on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Your grandma is a genius and I'm glad she told it to you straight. Congrats!

That is f-ing hysterical! My husband is home now too. I homeschool my 13 yr old. There are just too many people in this house! He always complained that he didn't have time to hunt and fish. Now he has the time but doesn't go! I love the picture! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I think my kids went back to school at just the right moment this week, because I was working on a follow up post tentatively titled "Why I Will Never Fucking Homeschool My Children." You are made of tougher material than I. 

I snorted when I read "Hang up my coat and/or drink more water" - now there's a resolution I can keep. on My 2013 Resolutions

I must admit to you that I read every blog you post, but you have so many comments by the time I read, that I just figure you'll never even see my comment and it'll get lost in a sea of comments. I read and love all of your blog posts but that's my reasoning for not commenting. However, knowing that you DO read all comments, I resolve to comment on each post. That is a resolution that won't be too hard to keep. That and drinking more water. That should be easy. :) on My 2013 Resolutions

I am exactly like Teri Biebel!! haha By the time I want to comment there is like tons already and I always feel like it gets lost in the sea too! hahahha, but anyway, I don't ever do resolutions not sure why guess cause I know I'll never keep them, as it is I can't even remember things I said 5 mins ago lol. But today I will make three I know for sure I'll keep! One is to continue to tell the kids how much I love them, two is to continue my Catholic faith, and three is to comment on your posts just like Teri haha. I'll fallow you on twitter as well! and hehe I'll be sure to request your book for my birthday :D as I've been wanting it soon as I discovered you! lol. Anywho, thank you soo much for all your inspiration and for letting me know there are truly other mothers out there that are seeing the world as I am. Can't tell you how sick I've been seeing all these "perfect" mothers of two :/. But yea so glad to have met you :)) and glad to meet all your fallowers!! I am Nicki from Ca. on My 2013 Resolutions

Teri and Nicki, Just know that I read all of my comments and I am so happy when I see them come through. I love you. Thank you for commenting.

I've never been so proud to have someone steal my resolution!! I love you Jen! on My 2013 Resolutions

It's a sad day when I have to resort to stealing, but I had no other choice, it was perfect for me.

Does hanging your coat over the handle of your stroller count? on My 2013 Resolutions

Yes. In fact, I should dig out our stroller just so I can hang up my coat, because right now it's draped over the dining room chair and that doesn't count. 

I resolved to never make resolutions since they used to revolve around weight loss and being a nicer person-- fuck that. I'm still a fat bitch so we see how well THAT turned out. But this year I will seriously consider these: 1. Conquering Twitter with you. 2. *Try* to comment more on the blogs I read (hey, look at me! Commenting and shit! Go me!) and 3. Write more often for my own blog. They can't all be Pulitzers, ya know? p.s. I love you, too. ;) on My 2013 Resolutions

Why the fuck would anyone every want to swear less? Speaking without swearing is like cooking without spices. Oh, and I can help you out with number seven. :) on My 2013 Resolutions

My resolution is to go to Ikea and spend lots of money on storage shit so I can get my house organized. (Because that's easier than resolving to not be a hoarder). on My 2013 Resolutions

Mine too! Too bad Kansas is not getting an Ikea until 2014. Until then I'll live like a hoarder and just peruse the catalog and plan my escape from clutter.

On the View (can barely stomach that show, but saw a clip), they asked her that since she gave Kanye a Lamborghini, what has he given her. She replied that he gives her his support. What a bunch of dill holes! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

This post right here? This is why I am so eager to read your blog every day! Love this! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

Now this is the PIWTPITT that I know and love! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

I've been at work all day and just needed a little pick-me-up from the office blues... so I started reading some back entries of your blog and when I got to the IN MY SLEEP! part I busted out laughing so hard, thank God no one was around to hear. This is exactly what I needed after a stressful Friday! on Week 7 of My Transformation - The Dirty 30

Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

Have you heard the news yet? I am absolutely BRIMMING with excitement for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and their new little "Kash Kow" (thanks to some random Kanye Twitter follower for that bit of brilliance). That's right! Kimye is going to have a Bay-Bay. Imagine my delight when I awoke this morning and the first piece of news I heard was that Kim was going to get a gut to match her ass.

Hello, my name is Kash Kow.

Where do I even begin with this hallowed event? First, let me congratulate Kim on landing a baby daddy that can at least afford to keep her baby in fur onesies and solid gold binkies and all before she's even legally divorced from her husband, Kris Humphries! (BTW am I the only one who thinks Kris looks like the dumbest guy on the planet? His mouth is always hanging open and he always looks like he's going to say, "Hey, babe . . . oh, never mind, I forgot.") Anyway, Kim's mother, Kris Jenner, must be so proud of her not yet divorced daughter getting knocked up by a wealthy rap star who hasn't made any indication he has plans to marry her.

Oh wait, of course she is. This is a girl whose whole family's claim to fame is that she made a sex tape that was caught up in some sort of brouhaha when it was leaked (probably by a family member) and then she had to go to court where she was awarded $5 million.

Of course Kris Jenner is thrilled. She is Kim's pimp. She probably brokered the deal with Kanye herself. She probably told him she can get E! to televise the birth (sponsored by Shape Ups, of course) and they can split the money and now he can be part of the official Kardashian holiday card.

It was time to branch out the Kardashian line. Literally, this morning on the news, one of the reporters said something like, "I"m not sure what they have planned, but this is a great branding and marketing opportunity." The possibilities are endless. After whipping up some revolting - I mean chic - maternity clothes, they can sell ad space on the baby bump to the highest bidder. Then after televising the birth of the baby, there's always the chance for a spinoff reality show where we can watch Kim take the baby to Mommy & Me classes in 6 inch stilettos and interview nannies all while she hawks some weight loss company. Plus, the products! Imagine! Kardashian Kribs, hair extensions for babies (how embarrassing to have a bald newborn) or inserts for diapers so babies can have the Kardashian booty.

I'm sure Mama Kris is already way ahead of me planning a baby line. Sure she's got other grandchildren she could have exploited, but those are Kourtney's kids. Ugh. Kourtney doesn't have the "kache" that Kim has. Kanye and Kim make "Kimye." There isn't a cute nickname you can make up for Kourtney and her deadbeat baby daddy, Scott Disick. There aren't any "branding" or "marketing" opportunities for someone who looks like a whiny, spoiled Eurotrash douchebag!

I would just like to congratulate Kimye on successfully consummating their relationship and I would like to send a little message to their baby. (My guess is Kimye, Jr. will have an official Kardashian-endorsed Twitter account by noon where I can message him/her.) Dear Kimye, Jr., declare emancipation now or put yourself up for adoption. Do it now before your parents name you something stupid like Kornell.