Weekly Wrap Up 1.5.13

The first week of the new year! Happy 2013 everyone!

If You Don't Read Anything Else at Least Read This Section:

Yesterday I asked readers on my Facebook page to send me links to their favorite funny bloggers. I got tons of responses. I am still sifting through them. The good news is I already read a lot of them, so it was nice to see some "familiar" faces. If you have more, keep telling me about them.

I've started a new Pinterest board this week. Do you follow me on Pinterest yet? What are you waiting for? It's ah-MAY-zing. Seriously, Pinterest is great. I pin funny stuff. I pin recipes I'll never make. I pin crafts I've made with my kids. I pin books I want to read. My new board is all about bloggers I like. I've invited a bunch that I read and I've opened it to the public. Anyone can join - let me know if you want in. I figure it's an easier way to keep track of blogs without overwhelming my Google Reader, plus this way I can share them with my Pinterest followers.

I'm having a Twitter party this Sunday. Actually, every Sunday. Every Sunday night at 9 PM EST log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch. It's a fun time with a bunch of hysterical people chatting about absolute nonsense. For those of you who are worried Twitter moves too fast, etc. You're right. It does. However, you get better at it the more you do it. I can actually keep up with half the conversation now and I can last an hour before my head explodes. This Sunday I'm shooting for an hour and a half.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Kimye is Having a Baby!!! - I don't know if you've heard or not, but Kimye (Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) are having a baby. I know it hasn't received much media coverage, I mean there wasn't one "Breaking News" report or anything! (It's as if the world couldn't care less!) This was like a New Year's Miracle for me. Christmas had been so touchy feely and not much going on in the way good celebridiot news so when I saw this I was ecstatic. It's good to be back in the land of snark. I can't wait for eight more months of listening to this waste of space complain that pregnancy is "hard" and "not fun." This one got picked up by the Huffington Post this week.

I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome - It was such a relief to see how many women felt exactly the same way I did. Who knew? It was good for the Hubs to see too and realize that I'm not crazy.

My 2013 Resolutions - I wrote some resolutions last week and so far, so good. I've hung up my coat once and I worked out with Kris. Killing 2013!

Rules for Parents of Daughters - This post is right around a year old now, but every few months it has a resurgence on Pinterest and spikes for a bit. It's a fun list that I wrote with Adolpha in mind.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - This one has great tips for posing your Elf next year.

Book Update:

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat has been doing great! Here is my favorite review on Amazon this week:

5.0 out of 5 stars Not pretentious, December 29, 2012

By 

Katy Unkelbach - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Kindle Edition)

Love Jen's blog and the book didn't let me down. I've never written a review, but I am doing it for Jen. I finished another blogger 's book before reading this one and it felt like a brag book about her kids, her sex life, and her yoga and running abilities. This read was a breath of fresh air complete with honest criticisms of herself and others and fun stories I can relate to, with a few potty words I never use but think often. Thanks Jen for keeping it real.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):

Everyone needs alone time. Go to the library or something. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Ironically, I tried to go to the library on Thursday. The Hubs joined me. He did let me sit at a table by myself and write though. Baby steps.

Thankfully my creeper, I mean husband, doesn't follow me around. But I get incessant questions when I'm more than 2 feet away. What are you doing? Aren't you gonna watch this movie with me? Want me to rub your feet? Come snuggle. Argh! I need some space, too. Or a bottle of wine. I'm not picky. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

OK, here is a perfect example of the grass being greener in someone else's stalker relationship. The Hubs could be with me all the time if he offered to rub my feet. I just want a good foot massage but he thinks my feet are stinky - even after a shower. 

hmm... curious what the Hubs had to say about this post. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Good question. The thing you must understand about the Hubs is he the type of person who has absolutely no problem laughing at himself. When he first started irritating me that day I threatened him that I would "put it on the blog" thinking that the idea of public humiliation might rein him in. Instead, I think he actually stepped up the annoying behavior, because he started going through the archives and was really pleased to see how many times he's been "punched" on here. He feels a little famous. After I wrote the post in my fit of anger I calmed down a few hours later and asked him to read it to make sure it wasn't too mean. He laughed his ass off and told me he "loved it" (and me and then asked if we could go grocery shopping together and both push the cart).

I get what you're saying. I've been there in the past. But PLEASE count your blessings! My husband died in a motorcycle accident over four years ago... and I'd give just about anything to have him at home, bugging me. just sayin' :) on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I'm sorry for your loss. I count my blessings every day. I know there isn't another man on this planet who could put up with the bullshit that is Jen and I know that without the Hubs I wouldn't be able to accomplish half of the things I have.  

2013 resolution #2 success! Nothing says "I love you" like a steamy, suggestive obscenity! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Holy Fuck bomb batman! My husband just returned to work yesterday after a two week break and when he called to see if I missed him I honestly had to tell him, "Ummm...not really. It has been quite nice. Plus, the house is so much cleaner without you here." I'm dreading retirement! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I think if the Hubs was an ice road trucker and was gone for months at a time I would miss him, but when he runs out for half an hour to get his hair cut I barely have time to notice he's gone.

I'm sending this to my husband because you've written what I haven't had the balls to talk about: he needs to BACK OFF! I left the other day and he said he didn't like how the house felt without me in it; "it's lonely." I was at the grocery store, loser. Cripe. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I actually have tears coming down my face from laughing so much. Tell your hubs I'm emailing this post to a few friends, so your stats will go up ;) Maybe that'll get him off your back for 2 minutes. Just maybe. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

He says it wasn't enough. You need to mail it to ten more friends.

Holy crap, I can relate. I'm still really young and engaged, so not yet married. But he always loves to be together and doesn't like for me to run errands alone, and I am 100% certain I have not showered by myself since we started dating. Do you know how irritating that can be with two water hogs? It sucks like ass, let me tell you. One day he was just driving me batshit crazy. So, looking for some advice, I turn to my grandma who was married to my papa for a long time and cared for him as he passed away. I said "grandma, is this what its like to have a husband?" Bless her heart, she took me around the shoulders and laughed in my face. She said, "marriage is being with someone you want to murder, but not doing it because you'd miss them too much. That's the key, if you'd miss them, then you have a working marriage." Right on lol on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Your grandma is a genius and I'm glad she told it to you straight. Congrats!

That is f-ing hysterical! My husband is home now too. I homeschool my 13 yr old. There are just too many people in this house! He always complained that he didn't have time to hunt and fish. Now he has the time but doesn't go! I love the picture! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I think my kids went back to school at just the right moment this week, because I was working on a follow up post tentatively titled "Why I Will Never Fucking Homeschool My Children." You are made of tougher material than I. 

I snorted when I read "Hang up my coat and/or drink more water" - now there's a resolution I can keep. on My 2013 Resolutions

I must admit to you that I read every blog you post, but you have so many comments by the time I read, that I just figure you'll never even see my comment and it'll get lost in a sea of comments. I read and love all of your blog posts but that's my reasoning for not commenting. However, knowing that you DO read all comments, I resolve to comment on each post. That is a resolution that won't be too hard to keep. That and drinking more water. That should be easy. :) on My 2013 Resolutions

I am exactly like Teri Biebel!! haha By the time I want to comment there is like tons already and I always feel like it gets lost in the sea too! hahahha, but anyway, I don't ever do resolutions not sure why guess cause I know I'll never keep them, as it is I can't even remember things I said 5 mins ago lol. But today I will make three I know for sure I'll keep! One is to continue to tell the kids how much I love them, two is to continue my Catholic faith, and three is to comment on your posts just like Teri haha. I'll fallow you on twitter as well! and hehe I'll be sure to request your book for my birthday :D as I've been wanting it soon as I discovered you! lol. Anywho, thank you soo much for all your inspiration and for letting me know there are truly other mothers out there that are seeing the world as I am. Can't tell you how sick I've been seeing all these "perfect" mothers of two :/. But yea so glad to have met you :)) and glad to meet all your fallowers!! I am Nicki from Ca. on My 2013 Resolutions

Teri and Nicki, Just know that I read all of my comments and I am so happy when I see them come through. I love you. Thank you for commenting.

I've never been so proud to have someone steal my resolution!! I love you Jen! on My 2013 Resolutions

It's a sad day when I have to resort to stealing, but I had no other choice, it was perfect for me.

Does hanging your coat over the handle of your stroller count? on My 2013 Resolutions

Yes. In fact, I should dig out our stroller just so I can hang up my coat, because right now it's draped over the dining room chair and that doesn't count. 

I resolved to never make resolutions since they used to revolve around weight loss and being a nicer person-- fuck that. I'm still a fat bitch so we see how well THAT turned out. But this year I will seriously consider these: 1. Conquering Twitter with you. 2. *Try* to comment more on the blogs I read (hey, look at me! Commenting and shit! Go me!) and 3. Write more often for my own blog. They can't all be Pulitzers, ya know? p.s. I love you, too. ;) on My 2013 Resolutions

Why the fuck would anyone every want to swear less? Speaking without swearing is like cooking without spices. Oh, and I can help you out with number seven. :) on My 2013 Resolutions

My resolution is to go to Ikea and spend lots of money on storage shit so I can get my house organized. (Because that's easier than resolving to not be a hoarder). on My 2013 Resolutions

Mine too! Too bad Kansas is not getting an Ikea until 2014. Until then I'll live like a hoarder and just peruse the catalog and plan my escape from clutter.

On the View (can barely stomach that show, but saw a clip), they asked her that since she gave Kanye a Lamborghini, what has he given her. She replied that he gives her his support. What a bunch of dill holes! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

This post right here? This is why I am so eager to read your blog every day! Love this! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

Now this is the PIWTPITT that I know and love! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

I've been at work all day and just needed a little pick-me-up from the office blues... so I started reading some back entries of your blog and when I got to the IN MY SLEEP! part I busted out laughing so hard, thank God no one was around to hear. This is exactly what I needed after a stressful Friday! on Week 7 of My Transformation - The Dirty 30

Just A Few Things For the Week

I know, I know.  How grumpy can I be this week?  I started the week with 70 awesome followers and I was thrilled if I got 300 page views in a day and then I caught a fever and now I passed 1 million page views, I've got over 1,000 awesome NEW followers here on the blog and over 19,000 amazing people on  Facebook who have "Liked" my page.  It's been a pretty fucking awesome week.

But you know me, I've always got something that's irritating me, so here come some mini-punches:

1.  Random strangers who "worry" about my children's childhood.  With all the attention the blog received this week, I was consumed by love from so many people (thank you, thank you).  HOWEVER, there were several detractors out there too (thank you, thank you for giving me inspiration to write this post).

I really touched a nerve with this whole Elf thing and apparently because I don't make snow angels in flour or write notes from the Elf to my children and I bitch about occasionally forgetting to move their elf, my children are suffering greatly and I should probably be investigated.  No one came right out and said, "Call Child Protective Services!" but many "worried" and "felt bad for" my kids.  A lot of people are concerned I do nothing all day but sit in front of the computer, swilling beer and harping on "good" mommies while my children eat their own feces and bang their heads against the wall trying to get my attention.  Someone even suggested I don't like being a mom.

To that person, I'd like to give a very special "Fuck you very much."  Being a mom is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't need to move a goddamned doll around my house to prove that.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to put these other concerns to rest.

I tend to write early in morning (it's 4 am right now and my children are safely sleeping in their beds upstairs - I think) or while my children are at school.  The Hubs and I are both self-employed and work from home so when our children are not at their schools they are home with us (daycare just isn't for me) and if I need to write while my children are here, I have the Hubs to attend to their every whiny need. (Whoops, the worried moms aren't going to like that I called them whiny - but they are sometimes!)  

It is true, I don't believe in making every single waking moment of their precious lives spectacular and wonderful.  (The worried moms got that part right.)  I don't think that's a bad thing and I definitely don't think that makes me a bad mother.  I think that by treating every moment with them like it's a fucking miracle is doing them a disservice down the road and I think it turns them into self-indulgent little nightmares now.

You know what?  This ain't Disneyland and the sooner they realize that, the better.  Some days are just boring and they suck and the sooner my kids realize that and learn how to entertain themselves, the better.  I can't be responsible for all their happiness - some of it has to come from within.  What's going to happen when they're 20 and still looking to me to make them happy?  Right now it's easy, but if I keep raising that bar, by the time they're 20 what can I do for them to make them happy?  It's not funny when a 6 year old throws a temper tantrum because he's bored, what will it be like when a 20 year old pitches a fit because he's bored?

Not to worry, we do make memories as a family.  Just yesterday, I actually put down my beer and pushed my fat ass away from the computer for an hour to take lunch to my kids at school.  It was not a Bento Box filled with organic, homemade food with sandwiches cut into the shapes of dinosaurs or anything like that.  It was a Happy Meal - flame away.

We went and looked at Christmas lights last night after dinner.  Hell, tonight, I took them Christmas caroling in our neighborhood!  Christmas caroling, people!  I wanted to punch myself when we were done - but I did it.  BTW, both kids will remember this night, just in different ways.  The boy had a blast.  He was surrounded by his friends running through the neighborhood like a feral animal singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.  The girl never opened her mouth to sing and after two houses, she begged to go home.  I didn't say every memory we're making is a good one!

We read Harry Potter last night before bed.  (I sure hope someone forwarded my blog to J.K. this week.  If you're reading this - I love you, J.K.!  Call me!)

I read to my kids, I play games (video and board) with them, I talk to them, I make crafts with them, I volunteer at their schools, I cuddle them, I even spoil them occasionally (aren't we all guilty of this?), I dress them like tiny rockstars, they are always well-fed and happy most of the time.  They have a beautiful home to live in that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  They attend award-winning schools and live in a safe community.  They have a social calendar that would make a Kardashian cry.

So, please don't "worry" another second about my children, because it really bugs the shit out of me and this time I was nice, next time I won't be so polite.

2.  Anyone who thought my Holiday Letter was legit.  (It was probably the same people who worry about my kids.)  I just want to be clear here:  my blog is meant to be funny.  It's called sarcasm.  If you can't get sarcasm, then I'm not sure we can be friends.  There seem to be a lot of other blog options out there for you to try.  Google "Cutest Little Blog Award" and see what pops up.  I bet you'll find your kind of people there.

3.  The guy who sat behind me at "Breaking Dawn."  I went to see "Breaking Dawn".  (Yes, I'm a TwiMom - is anyone surprised?)  The movies are absolutely laughable, but I still have to go and see them.  I was totally Team Edward while I was reading the books - Jacob is such a whiny bitch he actually makes Bella seem pleasant.  Once I saw who they cast, I was over Edward.  My dilemma is that Rob is the only actor who is legal, so I can't publicly fawn over Taylor's abs.  I'll just say when I see Jacob standing shirtless in the cold rain, I laugh out loud, but at the same time I appreciate the view.  It's about time a male actor was made to do some gratuitous topless shots.

My friend was going to go with me.  After much wrangling of our schedules and childcare options, we finally found a midday show that would work for both of us.  At the eleventh hour, she was reminded she'd offered to babysit a neighbor's kid and had to back out.  Since I'd already found a babysitter for my daughter and I was in the mindset to see Jake's abs and Edward's blinding lack of abs, I went ahead and went alone.

I thought I'd have the theatre to myself.  Middle of a weekday...teenybopper movie...Boy, was a I mistaken.  Apparently, there is a large number of seniors who are into "Twilight" as well.  TwiFogeys?  The theatre was full of groups of older women and several elderly couples.  I actually stepped out and checked the marquee to make sure I was in the right place.  It was correct.

OK then.

I found a seat and the movie started.  The man behind me wheezed a lot through the movie.  I'm used to noisy distractions in "Twilight" movies, but usually it's caused by teenagers making out and I have go all "mom" them and yell, "Would you please just SHUSH???"  (Yeah, I said, "Shush."  Those are someone's kids, and as much as I'd like to, I just can't say "Shut the fuck up, you half wits, Edward is proposing!!")

I tuned out the wheezing and focused on the horrible makeup job on the vampires.  (The budgets keep getting bigger for these movies, but they can't seem to find a good makeup artist who knows how to blend.  A vampire does not have a pasty face and a tanned (tan-ish in Edward's case) neck and chest.

About halfway through the movie, the man stopped wheezing and coughed.  Not a little cough like cough, cough.  But a COUGH, COUGH.  He coughed so hard my hair moved in his "breeze"!  I thought, Fabulous.  Now I've got typhoid.


Sure enough, that night I was puking my guts out.  Fourteen bucks worth of popcorn absolutely wasted.  Nice job, Typhoid Larry!

4.  Holiday cookie exchanges.  One more thing to worry about during this festive season.  I've actually noticed my invites for cookie exchanges dropped off this year - I don't think I'm making the cut anymore.  I'm OK with that, actually.  There are things I'm good at, but holiday baking is not one of them.  I do not have the patience necessary to decorate adorable sugar cookies or dip cake balls or whip up amazing Snickerdoodles.  Presentation means nothing to me.  I have no problem slapping my slice and bake cookies on a paper plate and calling it done.

I hate bringing home cookies from the cookie exchange.  What if they're horrible?  I know mine are, so chances are someone else's are too.  I'm really picky about who baked the cookies too.  There's always that crazy cat lady who comes and brings Peanut Butter Blossoms.  PBBs are my favorites, but I'm afraid I'll find a cat hair in them.  I did once - this is where my fear comes from.

I'll leave my cookies, but I try not to bring any home.  I'll say I'm trying to watch what I eat or something lame like that.  Then the hostess will say, "Take some to give as gifts!"

Give as gifts?  Do I want that on my record?  Do I really want to give my mailman fur-laced Peanut Butter Blossoms?  Or my kid's teacher chocolate covered hockey pucks?  No, no, no.  It's bad enough that I expect my family to eat these unknown cookies, but I can't give them as gifts!

5.  Pinterest.  Can someone please explain this to me?  I got an account a few months ago when I needed new garage doors.  I was trying to find a design I liked and a friend directed me to Pinterest.  She warned me I'd be on there for "hours."

I bet I haven't spent one hour on Pinterest.  I must be a complete idiot, because I can't figure out how to work the damn thing.  I can re-pin other's finds, but I can't pin my own findings.  People find me and follow me, but I can't seem to follow back.  I can search it and find some cool shit to pin like amazing kitchens and playrooms, but I'm not sure why I'm pinning this stuff since my house looks nothing like these homes and I could never recreate these rooms in my house.  I noticed my blog is on Pinterest and I didn't even know you could "pin" a blog.

I don't get it and I know a lot of you do.  Educate me.  Tell me what I'm missing.

6.  In that same vein is Twitter.  My SIL emailed me yesterday and told me that my blog was all over "The Twitter."  This cracked me up, because I don't even know how to tweet.  I'm a twat?  Ugh.  The Hubs spent a couple hours today figuring out Twitter and getting an account set up for me @Throat_Punch.  Now I've got followers and I don't know what to do/say to them.  I don't know the etiquette of Twitter.  Do you tweet your every movement (bowels included)?  Do you just repost stuff?  What's with the hashtags?

Do I really need to be on Twitter?  What's the point?  Again, tell me what I'm missing.