Just A Few Things For the Week

I know, I know.  How grumpy can I be this week?  I started the week with 70 awesome followers and I was thrilled if I got 300 page views in a day and then I caught a fever and now I passed 1 million page views, I've got over 1,000 awesome NEW followers here on the blog and over 19,000 amazing people on  Facebook who have "Liked" my page.  It's been a pretty fucking awesome week.

But you know me, I've always got something that's irritating me, so here come some mini-punches:

1.  Random strangers who "worry" about my children's childhood.  With all the attention the blog received this week, I was consumed by love from so many people (thank you, thank you).  HOWEVER, there were several detractors out there too (thank you, thank you for giving me inspiration to write this post).

I really touched a nerve with this whole Elf thing and apparently because I don't make snow angels in flour or write notes from the Elf to my children and I bitch about occasionally forgetting to move their elf, my children are suffering greatly and I should probably be investigated.  No one came right out and said, "Call Child Protective Services!" but many "worried" and "felt bad for" my kids.  A lot of people are concerned I do nothing all day but sit in front of the computer, swilling beer and harping on "good" mommies while my children eat their own feces and bang their heads against the wall trying to get my attention.  Someone even suggested I don't like being a mom.

To that person, I'd like to give a very special "Fuck you very much."  Being a mom is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't need to move a goddamned doll around my house to prove that.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to put these other concerns to rest.

I tend to write early in morning (it's 4 am right now and my children are safely sleeping in their beds upstairs - I think) or while my children are at school.  The Hubs and I are both self-employed and work from home so when our children are not at their schools they are home with us (daycare just isn't for me) and if I need to write while my children are here, I have the Hubs to attend to their every whiny need. (Whoops, the worried moms aren't going to like that I called them whiny - but they are sometimes!)  

It is true, I don't believe in making every single waking moment of their precious lives spectacular and wonderful.  (The worried moms got that part right.)  I don't think that's a bad thing and I definitely don't think that makes me a bad mother.  I think that by treating every moment with them like it's a fucking miracle is doing them a disservice down the road and I think it turns them into self-indulgent little nightmares now.

You know what?  This ain't Disneyland and the sooner they realize that, the better.  Some days are just boring and they suck and the sooner my kids realize that and learn how to entertain themselves, the better.  I can't be responsible for all their happiness - some of it has to come from within.  What's going to happen when they're 20 and still looking to me to make them happy?  Right now it's easy, but if I keep raising that bar, by the time they're 20 what can I do for them to make them happy?  It's not funny when a 6 year old throws a temper tantrum because he's bored, what will it be like when a 20 year old pitches a fit because he's bored?

Not to worry, we do make memories as a family.  Just yesterday, I actually put down my beer and pushed my fat ass away from the computer for an hour to take lunch to my kids at school.  It was not a Bento Box filled with organic, homemade food with sandwiches cut into the shapes of dinosaurs or anything like that.  It was a Happy Meal - flame away.

We went and looked at Christmas lights last night after dinner.  Hell, tonight, I took them Christmas caroling in our neighborhood!  Christmas caroling, people!  I wanted to punch myself when we were done - but I did it.  BTW, both kids will remember this night, just in different ways.  The boy had a blast.  He was surrounded by his friends running through the neighborhood like a feral animal singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.  The girl never opened her mouth to sing and after two houses, she begged to go home.  I didn't say every memory we're making is a good one!

We read Harry Potter last night before bed.  (I sure hope someone forwarded my blog to J.K. this week.  If you're reading this - I love you, J.K.!  Call me!)

I read to my kids, I play games (video and board) with them, I talk to them, I make crafts with them, I volunteer at their schools, I cuddle them, I even spoil them occasionally (aren't we all guilty of this?), I dress them like tiny rockstars, they are always well-fed and happy most of the time.  They have a beautiful home to live in that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  They attend award-winning schools and live in a safe community.  They have a social calendar that would make a Kardashian cry.

So, please don't "worry" another second about my children, because it really bugs the shit out of me and this time I was nice, next time I won't be so polite.

2.  Anyone who thought my Holiday Letter was legit.  (It was probably the same people who worry about my kids.)  I just want to be clear here:  my blog is meant to be funny.  It's called sarcasm.  If you can't get sarcasm, then I'm not sure we can be friends.  There seem to be a lot of other blog options out there for you to try.  Google "Cutest Little Blog Award" and see what pops up.  I bet you'll find your kind of people there.

3.  The guy who sat behind me at "Breaking Dawn."  I went to see "Breaking Dawn".  (Yes, I'm a TwiMom - is anyone surprised?)  The movies are absolutely laughable, but I still have to go and see them.  I was totally Team Edward while I was reading the books - Jacob is such a whiny bitch he actually makes Bella seem pleasant.  Once I saw who they cast, I was over Edward.  My dilemma is that Rob is the only actor who is legal, so I can't publicly fawn over Taylor's abs.  I'll just say when I see Jacob standing shirtless in the cold rain, I laugh out loud, but at the same time I appreciate the view.  It's about time a male actor was made to do some gratuitous topless shots.

My friend was going to go with me.  After much wrangling of our schedules and childcare options, we finally found a midday show that would work for both of us.  At the eleventh hour, she was reminded she'd offered to babysit a neighbor's kid and had to back out.  Since I'd already found a babysitter for my daughter and I was in the mindset to see Jake's abs and Edward's blinding lack of abs, I went ahead and went alone.

I thought I'd have the theatre to myself.  Middle of a weekday...teenybopper movie...Boy, was a I mistaken.  Apparently, there is a large number of seniors who are into "Twilight" as well.  TwiFogeys?  The theatre was full of groups of older women and several elderly couples.  I actually stepped out and checked the marquee to make sure I was in the right place.  It was correct.

OK then.

I found a seat and the movie started.  The man behind me wheezed a lot through the movie.  I'm used to noisy distractions in "Twilight" movies, but usually it's caused by teenagers making out and I have go all "mom" them and yell, "Would you please just SHUSH???"  (Yeah, I said, "Shush."  Those are someone's kids, and as much as I'd like to, I just can't say "Shut the fuck up, you half wits, Edward is proposing!!")

I tuned out the wheezing and focused on the horrible makeup job on the vampires.  (The budgets keep getting bigger for these movies, but they can't seem to find a good makeup artist who knows how to blend.  A vampire does not have a pasty face and a tanned (tan-ish in Edward's case) neck and chest.

About halfway through the movie, the man stopped wheezing and coughed.  Not a little cough like cough, cough.  But a COUGH, COUGH.  He coughed so hard my hair moved in his "breeze"!  I thought, Fabulous.  Now I've got typhoid.


Sure enough, that night I was puking my guts out.  Fourteen bucks worth of popcorn absolutely wasted.  Nice job, Typhoid Larry!

4.  Holiday cookie exchanges.  One more thing to worry about during this festive season.  I've actually noticed my invites for cookie exchanges dropped off this year - I don't think I'm making the cut anymore.  I'm OK with that, actually.  There are things I'm good at, but holiday baking is not one of them.  I do not have the patience necessary to decorate adorable sugar cookies or dip cake balls or whip up amazing Snickerdoodles.  Presentation means nothing to me.  I have no problem slapping my slice and bake cookies on a paper plate and calling it done.

I hate bringing home cookies from the cookie exchange.  What if they're horrible?  I know mine are, so chances are someone else's are too.  I'm really picky about who baked the cookies too.  There's always that crazy cat lady who comes and brings Peanut Butter Blossoms.  PBBs are my favorites, but I'm afraid I'll find a cat hair in them.  I did once - this is where my fear comes from.

I'll leave my cookies, but I try not to bring any home.  I'll say I'm trying to watch what I eat or something lame like that.  Then the hostess will say, "Take some to give as gifts!"

Give as gifts?  Do I want that on my record?  Do I really want to give my mailman fur-laced Peanut Butter Blossoms?  Or my kid's teacher chocolate covered hockey pucks?  No, no, no.  It's bad enough that I expect my family to eat these unknown cookies, but I can't give them as gifts!

5.  Pinterest.  Can someone please explain this to me?  I got an account a few months ago when I needed new garage doors.  I was trying to find a design I liked and a friend directed me to Pinterest.  She warned me I'd be on there for "hours."

I bet I haven't spent one hour on Pinterest.  I must be a complete idiot, because I can't figure out how to work the damn thing.  I can re-pin other's finds, but I can't pin my own findings.  People find me and follow me, but I can't seem to follow back.  I can search it and find some cool shit to pin like amazing kitchens and playrooms, but I'm not sure why I'm pinning this stuff since my house looks nothing like these homes and I could never recreate these rooms in my house.  I noticed my blog is on Pinterest and I didn't even know you could "pin" a blog.

I don't get it and I know a lot of you do.  Educate me.  Tell me what I'm missing.

6.  In that same vein is Twitter.  My SIL emailed me yesterday and told me that my blog was all over "The Twitter."  This cracked me up, because I don't even know how to tweet.  I'm a twat?  Ugh.  The Hubs spent a couple hours today figuring out Twitter and getting an account set up for me @Throat_Punch.  Now I've got followers and I don't know what to do/say to them.  I don't know the etiquette of Twitter.  Do you tweet your every movement (bowels included)?  Do you just repost stuff?  What's with the hashtags?

Do I really need to be on Twitter?  What's the point?  Again, tell me what I'm missing.