K: I should begin by informing the readers that we have met in person before.
So let me ask you this: How does it feel to ride eye-to-boob in a crowded elevator? Does being the size of a Tostito have its perks?
J: I've been the shortest person in the room since fourth grade so I barely notice anymore. I am constantly bobbing in a sea of boobs and sometimes even asses if the people around me are really tall. I wouldn't know what to do with a different view. Crowded elevators are the worst though - especially when I'm trapped with hyperventilating people who are almost pooping their extra tall pants. Sometimes I stand on a stool just so I can see what the rest of you see and it makes me dizzy. Being short does have its perks. No one ever asks me to get out of my comfy spot to reach anything off the top shelf. I'm useless to most people.
K: What’s the best response you’ve received when someone discovered that you are the Jen of PIWTPITT? Did you swear them to secrecy about your true identity, or simply murder them and hide the bodies?
J: Over the summer, I hosted a party for my readers and I drove to the restaurant with a few friends. I had picked them up in the minivan Honda had sent me to try out and I was showing them all the features (slidey doors!) when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you Jen?" At first I was going to deny it like I always do, but then I realized, This is my party I can't hide any longer! So I replied, "Yes." She said, "I knew it! How many women in cargo pants and Crocs would be out here showing off the features of a minivan?"
The word is getting out, but so far she's the only stranger who has recognized me - and lived to tell the story.
K: You’re obviously known for your rants. Were you ranty as a kid, or just as an adult? When did you leap from your Rant Closet?
J: I don't think I was a ranty kid. (My parents might disagree.) I think I probably started ranting in high school, because high school sucked balls. I have several friends from college who read this blog and they have told me that reading my blog is like listening to my dorm room rants so I know I was definitely ranty by college. I didn't really leap from the Rant Closet until April 2011 when I started the blog. That's when my Official Reign of Rant began.
K: Which makes you angrier: people who order their coffee Extra Hot, or the existence of celebrity moms?
J: Duh. What do you think? As long as the Extra Hot coffee people are ready with their order when it's their turn, I could care less about them, but what the hell is a "celebrity mom" anyway? Like Jessica Alba. What is she famous for? Honestly? Why is she a celebrity mom? All she does it put her baby in $600 shoes for trips to the farmer's market. Blech. By the way, did you see my favorite celebrity mom, January Jones is losing her hair now? She's blaming it on hair dye, but I'm going to blame it on her placenta pills.
K: Which is your favorite "Seinfeld" episode?
J: I actually hate "Seinfeld." I might be the only person in America who feels this way, but I'm OK with that. I think Jerry is a whiner, George gives me the heebie jeebies, crazy guy across the hall (what's his name?) is crazy and Elaine was annoying.
K: Your book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch on the Throat, raced to the top of the Amazon.com charts not long after its release. Did you think this would be the first kind of book you’d write, or did you expect to be the author of something different? Any plans for other books?
J: Before I started writing my blog I always assumed I'd write fiction. Fiction is my first love and I never even thought of writing a non-fiction book. Once the blog took off, I realized I'd be an idiot not to write a non-fiction book. No one comes here for my riveting YA or children's book about The Gingerbread Ninja. I'm always working on fictional material, but the non-fiction takes precedent since that's what sells and it's what comes easiest to me to me now. (Gratuitous plug: My book is now available for free borrow for Amazon Prime members.)
K: What secret talents do you have? Any freaking biological anomalies?
J: I'm a closet crafter. I can wield a glue gun like a champ. I'm not very good at coming up with the ideas, but I can copy just about anything on Etsy or Pinterest. Adolpha is super crafty too so we like to spend our free time in our fully stocked craft room in the basement getting our glitter on.
K: Writing is a tough business. Is there anything you keep in your office to inspire your writing, or at least keep you sane?
J: Just my wall of pictures of you, Kim. You can stop sending them to me, I have plenty now. I tend to write a lot on my lap top in a chair in the corner of my bedroom, unless I need to get busy. If I have a deadline or I need to write all day then I need to be downstairs in my office, at my desk with my music playing (preferably nothing with words I know otherwise I'll start singing along and suddenly my rant is an "Air Supply" song). My office is very plain and I don't have much to inspire me. Maybe that's my problem. When I need new ideas I troll around Pinterest or Twitter and just follow threads to see what people are talking about. I have an entire secret board on Pinterest called Things to Make Fun Of. That board inspires me a lot.
K: What’s the nicest thing someone has said to you, ever?
J: "Will you marry me?" Awwww, Hubs . . . I know - ick - but it was really nice of him to ask me.
K: What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you on your blog? Did you hunt him/her down and deliver a guerrilla-style throat punch?
J: I get quite a few mean comments. My favorites are the ones with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling because they are such a rarity!
I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.
I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.
I also hate, hate, hate the comments about my kids' names. My response to that: Reading is fundamental. Why don't you read the Who is Jen? section before you start bitching about Gomer and Adolpha's names? Do a little research before you start in with your idiotic comments because you look like an ass.
I don't hunt down mean commenters, because luckily I have the best readers in the world who put the smack down on a troll as soon as they open their dirty mouth. Sometimes the dust up is over before I even knew it started. I also like to call them out for the occasional public flogging in my weekly wrap ups.
K: I love that you put some of your favorite reader comments in your weekly summaries. Do you have one long-time favorite that you can’t get enough of?
J: There are two readers who come to mind and I hope they don't mind me using their names. I always laugh at the comments from Devan and RachRiot. When I read the comments, I don't usually notice who they're from until I think, "Yup, that one's a winner" and then I realize it's Devan or RachRiot. There have been some weeks where I have to stop myself from putting RachRiot in twice. She's just that good. I have a favorite Twitter commenter too. That's Jen.
K: You’re a big reader. Do you buy and keep books to read again, or borrow and just read once?
J: Before I had kids I bought books and I'd read my favorites over and over again. Once I had kids I stopped buying books because I couldn't afford them anymore (damn kids and their need for diapers and food). I had several years I couldn't even pick up a book because I was so damn tired from taking care of my babies and working. It wasn't until Adolpha was about two years that I finally knew I had to carve out some time for myself every day to read. I started buying books again and the Hubs quickly put the kibosh on that (remember, he's a cheap bastard). He introduced me to this amazing place I had heard of, but had never really been to. It's called The Library.
It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.
It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.
K: What’s the best book you’ve read recently (you’re not allowed to say the title of your own book)?
J: Hmm . . . if I can't say mine, can I say the title of yours? (Part of My World by Kim Bongiorno only 99 cents on Amazon.) This is hard. I just finished Ready Player One and I liked that one a lot. Oh! I've got it. I re-read The Passage, because the newest one in the series is out and I wanted a refresher. I really like that book a lot. I'm trying to get through Gone Girl right now. I was struggling to get into it, but so many people told me to hang on and I'm happy I did. It's starting to get good now, but I really dislike both of the main characters. Is that normal?
K: Is there anything you are not willing to write about because of your kids? Your husband? Your scarily-obsessed-with-
J: Hmm . . . my kids would prefer I didn't give them made up names, but I won't change that. My husband loves being a punching bag on here. In fact, tonight he pitched a new book for me to write: all about him. Yawn. My parents are great sports and know that I'm teasing them out of love. I don't write about my brother C.B. (and I could write a whole series about him) because he's a very private person and he wouldn't find it funny.
K: Would you rather use a public bathroom with your daughter or make out with Ke$ha?
J: Choices, choices. If it's a gross gas station bathroom, I'll take my chances with Ke$ha.
K: Do you prefer chocolate or coffee?
J: Since I am a tea drinker, I will always choose anything over coffee.
K: Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling?
J: These are my choices? Two pretty boys who require more grooming than most women? Nah, I choose Jon Hamm in his "Mad Men" wardrobe.
K: What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
J: "The Shining" scares the crap out of me. Just writing this I'm thinking "redrum" and "come play with us."
K: Do you paint your toenails? Ever use glittery flower stickers on them?
J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.
J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.
K: Finally, what are your goals with writing and your blog for 2013? Will you take some time off, or take over the world?
J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.
My goals for 2013 are the following:
Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.
Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.
Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework.
Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.
Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.
By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.
J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.
My goals for 2013 are the following:
Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.
Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.
Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework.
Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.
Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.
By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.
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