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Inside MY Closet

I get this magazine delivered to my house every month.  It's one of those glossy mags that you get for free because you live in the "right" zip code.  There is absolutely no substance to it.  It's full of ads for botox and vein treatments, chic women's clothing, and lists upon lists of restaurants and boutiques in the area that the publisher thinks I make enough money to frequent.

My closet looks just like this.  Only everything is black...and it's messier...and not so organized...or spacious, but otherwise, just like this!
One of the columns in this magazine is an ongoing one where each month they single out some suburban woman and photograph her inside her closet wearing her favorite outfit.

The interview consists of questions like:  What are you wearing? and What do you do during the day?  It is always a hilarious read.


This magazine arrived today and I honestly thought this month's interview was faked.  The column is called Inside My Closet.

This woman was photographed in her ridiculously organized closet wearing a bunch of brands I barely recognize and when they asked about her daily routine she bragged that she does "GTL" like Jersey Shore only different.  Instead of gym, tan, laundry she does gym, tennis and lunch.  You have got to be kidding me.  Who actually says that out loud and allows it to be printed?

This got me thinking.  Yes, I think her answers are vapid, but really, would mine be any better?  What would I say if this magazine ever came calling at my house?

First, the photo would be laughable.  It would be jumble of cheap clothes and Payless shoes with me perched in the mess somewhere peering out from behind the hamper of dirty clothes.


I might clean my closet if I knew they were coming, but I definitely wouldn't change out all my plastic hangers to Slimline hangers, because I really don't give a shit about the aesthetics of my closet.  Hell, I barely separate my summer clothes from my winter clothes, do you think I give a fuck about how my clothes "drape" on their hangers?

My answers would be just as idiotic as hers, just more low brow.

What are you wearing?  My best cargo pants from Eddie Bauer and a black fitted t-shirt from Sam's Club.  I really like the stretchiness of the fabric.

Why do you love this outfit?  Because cargo pants seem cooler than mom jeans and I didn't think yoga pants would be appropriate for this photo shoot, plus they still have the tags on them.  I like to wear black on top, because it draws attention away from "the girls" and it will camouflage nicely when I spill my lunch on it later today.

Describe your closet and what you most like about it?  It's big and it has a door so you can't see how messy it is.  The cubbies make nice places to hide Christmas gifts and forget them until 2 years later.  Plus, the fluorescents really light it up and make my black shirts look great.

What is your most treasured fashion splurge?  I have a sweet collection of Crocs - not knock offs, bitches.  This winter, I spent extra and got the furry lined ones.  My fashion splurges always revolve around the 3 C's:  Crocs, cargo pants and (outlet) Coach bags.  Yeah, I carry a Coach bag with my cargos - because it's classy.

In what ways does your wardrobe reflect your personality?  Duh.  How does it not reflect my personality?  Look, when I walk into a party, every other woman's outfit in that place is screaming "Look at me, look at me!  I've got so many impressive labels on I can barely walk!"  I walk into a party and my outfit whispers, "Hey, I made it - even though you gave me the wrong address.  I'm sure it was just a mistake.  Anyway, I'm here and I wasn't sure exactly what 'cocktail attire' meant - I hope my prairie skirt works.  Anyway, my outfit is not what's important, what I have to say is important so listen up, bitches, there are kids dying in this world someplace and your shoes could have fed them for months!"

Why do you love living in south Johnson County?  What's not to love?  I live exactly 2.5 miles in either direction from a Target.  When I'm feeling a case of writer's block coming on, I get in my car (that I wish was a minivan) and head out to Target and walk the aisles to get fodder.  Where else can you live where I see passive mothers in $100 yoga pants negotiating with a 3 year old in the toy aisle?  "No Rocco.  Mommy told you, we're not getting any toys today.  Oh Rocco, please don't cry.  Oh baby, now Mommy is sad too.  OK, one small toy.  How about a ball?  Rocco doesn't like the ball?  OK, how about a stuffed animal?  Rocco, please don't scream at Mommy, it makes Mommy feel bad and hurts Mommy's feelings.  I know you're sad because Mommy said no toys, but now I'm trying to help you get a toy, but you don't like the ball and you don't like the stuffed animal.  Fine, Rocco, just stop crying and Mommy will buy you the archery set you want.  I'm sure the age guidelines on the box are just for legal reasons, you don't really need to be 12 to shoot an arrow!  Let's go!  Mommy needs toilet paper."

What is your design philosophy when it comes to fashion?  Is this a real question?  My design philosophy is basically this:  1.)  If a clothing item is black, khaki, forest green or brown and is on the clearance rack at Eddie Bauer, Gap, or Old Navy or a store similar to these, I will stop and look at it and see if it fits into my wardrobe.  2.)  I can never have too many black shirts.  3.)  I buy nothing that requires dry cleaning and preferably nothing that requires ironing.

What is your secret when it comes to loving how you look?  Low lights and as few mirrors as possible.

Do you have any fashion tips you might offer?  Take 30 bucks to Wal-Mart and invest heavily in scarves and hats, they can cover a host of problem areas.  Bad hair day?  Throw on a cute $6 hat. Drip toothpaste on your shirt?  No problem, drape a $5 scarf over the offending area and you're good to go!

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128 comments:

  1. Oh, my closet would consist of a variety of yellow box flip flops. That would be the ONLY color in my closet (besides the hubs work shirts) all my clothes are black, too! =)

    http://joy-southernsocialite.blogspot.com/

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    1. PattyL11:16

      This is the 2nd reference to Yellow Box shoes I've read today and I have no idea what they are! lol

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    2. I have no idea either PattyL....

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    3. I mention Yellow Box shoes in this post... http://joy-southernsocialite.blogspot.com/2011/04/easter-basket-ideas-for-adults.html

      Cute, cute flip flops that every female must have in their closet! Hope this answers y'alls question. =)

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    4. OMG! Love my Yellow Boxes! My hubby limits me one pair at a time because they would take over the closet so the dog (sadly) eats them often so I can get a new pair! Other than my flops, all I have are work uniforms and purses!

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    5. Haha, I copied and pasted Joy's link but forgot the "http://joy-" part on the first line and the web came up with exactly the kind of person Jen wrote about, with her Lilly Pulitzer fetish and paraphrasing one of her favorite quotes as "Your hair may be fake, your bosom may be fake, but your pearls and your silver must always be real." Funny stuff.

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  2. Anonymous10:18

    LMAO. I was very sure I was going to pull up that mag and see a "friend" of mine in there! Wasn't her...

    Gotta love those JoCoHos :P

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  3. It is as though your closet and mine are long lost twins... God bless black shirts. And yoga pants. And Target...Oh Target...

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  4. Sounds a lot like my closet. Hahaha.. Only difference is my closet is also full of the boxes all our electronics came in. Derpus won't let me throw them out because we might need them "someday". They look great with my 50 black t shirts from old navy.



    http://suburbanderps.blogspot.com

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    1. Someone who has a hubs like mine! We have boxes for electronic items we don't even own anymore!

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    2. Jesus, same here. What is up with that? We just moved and I think I threw out a metric shit ton of empty boxes.

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    3. Metric shit ton! LOL!!! Wetting my pants!

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    4. Oh wow....and here I thought I was the only one who was forced to keep electronics boxes. My husband is a gamer so we have about 15 gaming console boxes in our daughters closet. "Just in case." Just in case of what?!?!? lol

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  5. Hahahaha I love it! Apparently we have the same closet....only instead of crocs I have flip flops.....but I am from Mississippi so its a staple in every closet!

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  6. Anonymous10:29

    Love...my favorite line from the "real" closet article was "I used it as my inspiration piece for my wardrobe this season". I'm sitting here thinking who has time to plan a wardrobe much less one for every season!!! Plus, I'm with you Jen. Black rules!!

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    1. I was gonna (and probably still will) quote that same line! A seasonal wardrobe with an inspiration???? Holy Shit!! I am still wearing crap from my Senior year in high school, 1992! LOL!!

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  7. Anonymous10:36

    Oh you Johnson county people showing off all the freebies you get while us regular people in Clay County have to pay!!!

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  8. You make me laugh so hard!! Your closet sounds like mine ;0

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  9. Yeah...Perhaps your readers aren't exactly the target audience for this type article. I'm certainly not. ; )

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    1. Did you read the real closet article? This is hilarious!

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  10. Anonymous10:40

    OMG, the more I read your blog, the more I fall in love with you! I"m going to start stalking you Tina Fey style!! You rock, I laugh my ass off every time I read your blog! Keep up the great work!

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  11. perfect! Love Love Love it! :) I think we could start a magazine called "The naturally average woman!" and be millionaires!

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    1. LOL..."naturally average woman"...that's great. I'd love to submit an article for that one!

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  12. LOVE it!!! Yes, the black shirts are a must, but what about the cargo CAPRIS??? And yes, it's flip-flops not crocs at my house... Best quote ever: "I really like the stretchiness of the fabric." Thanks for bringing humor to my day (AGAIN)...

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  13. Anonymous10:42

    your fashion advice is better then anything ive read in magazines. I have tons of old navy cargo pants too!
    Love the bit about target...ive seen that so many times.

    thanks for the laugh.

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  14. dump the crocs - they are as awful as those UG(ly) boots! There are lots more slip on shoes that are cheap!

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  15. shermanmomma10:53

    OK, wait, um, OK, I'm done barfing after reading that article. Are you like an outcast there? Are they all like that there? OMG, you poor thing to live in that area. When my kids were little, sweats and sneakers were the norm. The color? Whatever looked good with spit-up.

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    1. She is not an outcast. JO Co pretty much has it all from Sec 8 to Mansions. It's a great place to raise kids.
      Jen and I are in the middle. Just where I want to be. To much work keeping up w/ the Jones'. I live in jeans, T's, flip flops and also carry Coach bags (yes from the outlet) as do my 3 girls.

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    2. Haha, yeah the whole county isn't like that but there is a large portion that is. I live in the same county but my house has wood paneling and linoleum. My bedroom closet is about the size of a small linen closet and isn't even big enough to fit my fiance's and my clothes into. Forget about shoes. And special hangers??? I use the hangers that come on the clothes I buy at Target.

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  16. OMG!! Jen...find her and punch her...twice!

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  17. That's some funny shit right there. And I say that wearing my kohl's jeans, t-shirt, my flip flops and my Coach (outlet) bag. You're right. It is a classy look. I do not iron, dry clean, or have a money tree in the back yard. I'm more of a WDL girl. (work, daycare, and then laundry) with a side of WTF.

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  18. Ha ha - We have a magazine like that for our community, too. But no INSIDE MY CLOSET feature! WTF? I demand to look inside the closets of my neighbors - I, too, need to know if there is a local equivalent of GTL that I am missing out on. I, too, need advice on how to find a piece to build my season around. I, too, need to know that I should tailor both a $300 blouse and a $15 tshirt to flatter my figure better.

    However, I have to say, I only have one pair of Crocs and they're only for wearing to clean up doggie doo or walk in the rain so I don't ruin my real shoes.

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  19. Anonymous11:21

    Yeah, I GTL too... Grocery, Target,(car)Line.
    And my "inspiration piece" for the season is the pair of Target indigo size 8 jeans that replaced the 12 pairs of size 6's that I can't squeeze my ass into anymore. They pair nicely with the flowy blouses, perfect for hiding muffin tops.

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    1. LOVE IT! Ditch the jeans and buy yoga pants (can they be called that if you have NEVER done yoga in them). That's what I did after baby number 2!

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  20. Sam's Club! Just renewed my card; shopped til I got tired of standing on hard concrete; bought a few much needed comfy bottoms and soft, stretchy -but not embellished- t-shirts. (Wow... what's with all the bedazzling still?)

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    1. Right? Especially for me and the other big girls, it seems like damn near impossible to find plain color, no sparkles or sequins or CATS, and a good roomy fit in a blouse.

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  21. Traci11:24

    YOU are just killing me.....love it!

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  22. Hilarious post, Jen. What's really frightening is that this chick probably runs around with a whole gaggle of women just like her. *Shudder*

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  23. Anonymous11:24

    LOVE!
    Planning a wardrobe? For a season? How about a wardrobe for a decade (or so). Shoot, if I buy 3 articles of clothing in a season it's a big deal and they are on MAJOR sale! (AND I have to physically force my hand away from everything black, because really, do I need yet another black shirt?)
    Also, LOVE my Crocs - I have a couple of the old classics (forest green and gold), the Mary
    Janes in pearl pink, a black winter pair (identical to the hubs' winter pair) plus 2 pairs of Crocs ballet flats (black and gold) and some seriously cute Crocs wedges in hot pink (totally look like Barbie shoes!)
    I was contemplating turning my laundry/craft room (don't hate - I could also add /junk there) into a family closet, because in all honesty that's where we go to get our clothes more often than not anyway.
    Slafleur

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  24. Love It! Don't forget the section of the closet for those clothes "I'll fit into again someday".

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  25. Anonymous11:30

    I'm jealous that you live so close to Target...

    My husband actually told me the other day that I should start dressing like an adult. Be more professional. He thinks I should be shopping and Chico and Coldwater Creek. I'll be 29 in 10 days... plus I'm 220lbs. and pregnant...

    Apparently yoga pants and t-shirts aren't appropriate for an almost-30-year-old pregnant SAHM. That already has 2 kids. LMAO!

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    1. Chicos and Coldwater Creek?!?! WTF, hubs? You're 29, not 69....

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    2. Anonymous13:18

      Maybe his mother shops there. My 70 year old mother loves those stores.

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    3. Along the same lines:
      Did you see this article?
      http://glo.msn.com/beauty/stylish-mom-8028.gallery?photoId=92097
      $425 "must have" scarf for new moms. $750 sunglasses and $450 slippers made the list as well. I can buy a lot of black yoga pants, plain t-shirts, and Maybelline mascara for that much money. There would maybe even be enough left over for a Coach (outlet) diaper bag. Those are my smart style essentials for new moms!

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    4. sorry! wasn't suppose to be a reply but a comment. I'm very tech savvy like that!

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    5. What kind of scarf that costs $425 can a new mom need/afford? WTF? With the costs of diapers and yoga pants to fit my not quite the same body, I could never buy that thing!

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    6. I guess my Walmart sunglasses (I NEVER spend more than $10 on sunglasses) are way too cheap. LOL. But, when I sit on them, they get lost in a swimming pool while on vacation (happened!), or my son decides to hide them or use them on the dog...$10 seems like a bargain!

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  26. I was just at one of the Whole Foods in Johnson County, and I think I saw this woman. Ugh. I'm quite happy up here in Platte County in my 3-year-old QVC jeans and holy socks.

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  27. I love you! Thanks for making me feel normal!

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  28. I gotta admit, I'm a little let down. I was expecting BIG things with that closet article. They didn't even show a whole closet shot! Dang...JoCo doesn't have anything on us Northlanders! LOL Oh, and I recently switched all my hanging clothes to those slimline hangers too, from plastic (both purchased and freebies from Kohls, Walmart, etc.)not wood. My reasoning had nothing to do with the way the clothes drape and everything to do with the fact that my closet is in a 60 year old house and I share it with my husband! Space is definitely an issue.

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  29. OK now THIS should've been the Circle of Moms Winner Interview Question and Answer Segment. Perfection. Funny Shit.

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  30. My closet is full of t-shirts and 5 identical pairs of Target yoga pants because they are the only pants I can find at the correct length. Also, I have lost 30 pounds, so all my 2XL t-shirst are like dresses on me... so I do have a couple of dresses in there. I also have about a half dozen empty shoe boxes, no shoes though.The important thing before my interview would be removing the case with the sex toys in it...

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  31. Loved the post and then checked out the article. First, Olathe must not make it to 435 South distribution. Second, as I looked and read, I realized I know the lady. Worked with her husband in public accounting. Looks like being a partner at a big firm is still paying well despite all the lay-offs and cuts they had to make.

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  32. Ha ha ha! Loved this post!

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  33. I'm addicted to your blog and I'm pretty sure that if my job knew just how addicted I am, they'd can me. If your blog somehow became a sitcom, you can bet your cargo pants I'd watch.

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  34. Amazing. And I totally know some people who could be featured in this unintentionally hilarious magazine.

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  35. Well, this makes me feel better about my black, khaki, and brown wardrobe! I like not being alone in this.
    Bad hair day? Isn't that what flexi8's are for?

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  36. If you looked in my closet you would see two babies in portacribs, t-shirts (nice and loose), stretchy pants (i'm a size 6 but I still like my stretchy pants after a long day of gas...), rainbows, and vibrams. Maybe a dress or 2. Oh...and TONS of nice stuff I will never be able to fit into again because 5 kids does crazy shiz to your body and you are NEVER the same. Yet still, I can't let that stuff go...

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  37. What is my secret to loving how I look? Well I am glad you asked...as a larger woman I try to avoid low rise jeans and belly shirts because no matter how trendy they are, not everyone should wear them. It is also important to note that just because your shirt is long enough to cover your muffin top,if your true size is a 2XL a Medium isn't going to reflect you at your best.

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  38. Glenda13:35

    YOU, my dear, are fucking hilarious! I laughed out loud at forgetting Christmas presents in closet cubbies for two years, I am guilty of this. I also have a rather large collection of blavk v-neck t-shirts in varyng degrees of fadedness (I make up words when it helps get my point across. I wear black not because of my huge boobs, I have the opposite problem, but because black usually goes with everything and every pair of pants I own is either khaki or black so I don't have to make a half assed attempt at trying to coordinate some horrendous outfit that looked decent in my dimmly lit closet. Thank you for blogging about your life and feelings, I cannot tell you how many times I have read a post and yelled "EXACTLY!" at my computer. Keep up the good work!

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  39. this is the exact reason why when my family lived in the KC area, we chose lee's summit. joco IS great and has a lot of things like good schools and low crime and blah blah blah but i just couldn't deal with that type of person anymore. it was a sad day to realize that i felt okay with being closer to meth-dependence, mo than people who thought redoing a whole closet with slimline hangers(had to google that bytheway) was a normal, admirable thing. am i a reverse snob? probably.

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  40. Anonymous13:51

    I could have written the wardrobe description too: black, khaki, tan and brown. Being a fan of Target I'm surprised you don't own any Merona tShirts or Champion yoga pants! $20 vs $100 for that Lulu crap is a big difference. Thanks for blogging, I've been reading since that OAM Elf story. Too funny.

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  41. Rhees15:22

    I just have to say that if you are older than five, or are not standing in either a a) garden or b)a river, you should NEVER WEAR CROCKS!!!

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    1. Disagree....I'm at work in my Crocs flats and loving it. Sure, they sometimes make farty noises when I walk, but my balls never hurt from walking on them. High heels? No thanks!

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    2. Anonymous23:50

      You have lady balls? Awesome...

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  42. Xayton15:32

    Perhaps I'm déclassé but wth is a "slimline" hanger? Are they truly branding hangers now too!?! What is this world coming to?

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  43. The closets in our house are going to be the death of me. As I was walking into ours this morning I pictured my friends knocking at my door with the camera people from Hoarders. Yeah, it's time to bite the bullet and clean the shit out!

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  44. Jen, Jen, Jen--love you but admitting you have crocs? You have crossed the line. ;)

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  45. I aspire to have a magazine worthy closet and did manage to get the matching hangers; I don't think they're slimline. They were a box of 500 or so from Bed, Bath and Beyond on the clearance table, next to a pair of pajama jeans and other "As Seen on TV" gems. Black, white, and shade of brown (earth, sable, sand) are wardrobe staples. Any OAM worth her GTL-time knows that ;)

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  46. Anonymous16:49

    Missing from the article:
    What time do you leave your house in the morning, and what time do you return? Do you have Help in the home at that time, or is it vacant? What's you security code or the doberman's names, so that when the burglar comes by, he can get right in to raid those splurge bags and jewelry cabinet? As a past 2year JoCo resident (SM & OP), I can say I'm so glad to be back on the west coast where it's only about how big your boat is...

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  47. My closet is stacked up with shit that I have no room for in our tiny bedroom. Hang clothes in there? No freakin way am I tackling that disaster just to hang up my Walmart t-shirts(yes, mostly black) and jeans. Sadly, I rarely buy cargo pants because they're always way to long for my short ass. Oh, the jeans... I googled the ones she said she was wearing... $169. Yep. $169. I get pissy when I have to pay $20 for the Walmart Levis! Loved this post!

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  48. I pretty much exclusively shop at Tarjay these days and as far as the closet? Yeah.. it aint really messy 'til an A & E camera crew shows up.

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  49. My closet is full of hubb's crap..he has enough clothes to go 6 months without doing laundry.....He's a total clothing whore.

    http://sureyoucanhavevodkaforbreakfast.blogspot.com/

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  50. Gym, Tennis, Lunch?! I'm dying laughing right now. :D Love this post!

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  51. Oh, irony, how I love thee. As I was reading your post there was an ad for American Girl on the left--you know the $100 doll wearing $45 shoes and a $65 outfit with $20 headband. :)

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  52. Love. this. I'll bet my SIL is friends with this dodo. I also loved how she's a "retired physical therapist." AYFKM? I didn't think you got to "retire" while you're still young enough to have toddlers, preschoolers and elementary school kids. Glad to hear there are some sane folks in Johnson County!

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    1. And the dodo's version of GTL is actually even WORSE than Jersey Shore. At least theirs includes laundry. ;)

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  53. Anonymous19:11

    Wait.....she's a retired physical therapist? Really retired? Or stopped working to stay at home? Don't you usually put in 25-30 years for it to be considered retired?

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  54. Oh no! My closet has Crocs, Lilly Pulitzer, Jack Rogers, Merona AND Coldwater Creek!! I also get Gloria Vanderbilt jeans at BJ's because I can get them in the short length! My cat loves to run back and forth on the shoulders of the clothes that are hanging there. She also like to topple down the sweats and cardboard shoe boxes that are stacked on the shelf. So... my closet has entertainment value, as well.

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  55. If you look in my closet you'll think you're seeing double (or quadruple). Hey, I h.a.t.e. shopping for clothes with a passion (for me at least. The girls are fun to shop for). If I find a shirt that is comfortable and covers all the lumps and bumps, I'll buy that bitch in every.single.color it comes in.

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    1. I just found the PERFECT V-nect T at Old Navy a few weeks ago. I threw that bitch on right at the rack to see if it was as perfect as it looked, IT IS, so I bought one in every color!! My husband was like, really, you need that many? I throw one over a cami tank every. single. day. Any color goes with any under color. :)

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  56. This was hilarious Jen! Thanks for another great post!

    I get one of those same magazines in my zip code, called Dockline. They don't have a snazzy "closet" article though, now I'm jealous!

    My closet is stuffed full of pre-kids clothes I may never be able to wear again and fabric destined to become a quilt or two some time in the next century (in my spare time right?) One opens those doors with the gamble of mortal peril!

    You & I have the same "fashion philosophy" lol! You can *never* have too many back tops!

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  57. Awesome as usual! On a side note, I didn't realize you lived in JOCOKS until now. We lived in Stilwell for 5 years after relocating from Dallas. Can you please explain the whole KS vs. MO thing? We were forced to move back to North Texas after learning that we, as Johnson County residents, were not allowed to speak directly to people from, "over there." ;-) Love your stuff!!

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  58. Awesomely funny as always! Black is my favorite choice of attire too, as it does the following: looks slimming(ish?), classy as hell, accessorizes with anything, hides multiple food stains and your already dressed for that spur of the moment undercover creeping mission with your BFF. It just works! Love your blog, just can't say it enough! When i grow up, I want my blog to be as inspiring s yours is. ;)

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  59. Jordan14:45

    I just peed in my cargos. Luckily today, I am wearing them with my tan Crocs that way as the pee drips down my leg it will pool in my Crocs and I will have less of a mess to clean up.

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  60. Tracey15:05

    Why is it so honorable to be a mom who doesn't take time to care about her appearance? Why do you think this person is vapid just because she likes and apparently has the money to buy expensive items? I thought the post was hilarious and I know this is a humor site, but some of the comments judging this person so harshly are sad. Obviously this isn't the forum for women supporting women, but geez... I am a successful, working mom of two who also loves fashion, uses Slimline hangers, would gladly save up for a pair of designer shoes and envy this women who has a closet full of them! And, I absolutely wish I could GTL. Good for her, but not bad for the moms who don't choose that, good for them too. Yeah Team... :)

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  61. Are you fucking kidding me? This makes me sick! I just read the article you are referring to, and she needs to take a knee and punch herself in the face repeatedly. First off, her shirt looks like my grandmother's upholstered couch in Florida. It hurts my eyes. Second, her pride in the fact she switch all her hangers to "slimline" is ridiculous. It is definitely something I am sure I would over her a group of OAMs discuss during their afternoon lunch. WHO CARES?! It just baffles me the length some people go to get attention. But hey, to each their own. Maybe I am just jealous I don't have an amazingly beautiful closet to fill.

    Just like you, Jen, I am glad my closet has a door! It's a mess. Then again, I do share it with my husband...

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  62. Anonymous23:33

    I find it hilarious that your comment in another post about giving someone permission to spank your child went untouched, but mention you wear Crocs and you recieve lots of feedback! Love the blog, hate crocs, but to each thier own...

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  63. Black T's are full of the awesome, I have eleventy thousand. Recently, I went out of my comfort zone and made a dark charcoal T from Old Navy my favorite and have been pleasatly surprised! Paired with my fav dark pink cami tank underneath and my BEST clearance Kohl's jeans, I actually feel like the rock star mom that I am. :)
    I meantioned earlier but am SO taken with a "seasonal wardrobe with an inspiration piece" I must mention again. I guess I am just jealous I can not get a new wardrobe every season, though I doubt it, cause once I find favorite stuff, (sometimes takes years - I am STILL in search for the perfect sports bra!) I buy them ALL and keep them bitches! This years Old Navy V-necks are the bomb-digity!! (when you buy more than one they're only $7 each - more than one? I bought one in EVERY color!! My way of stepping out of the black just a little bit!)
    And yeah, Jen I can't believe you outed your crocks....that's almost as bad as the hubs outing your jungle. I have crocks but agree that they have a purpose: gardening, getting mail, occasional grocery run. I ain't hatin' at all but I know there are some people out there that are PASSIONATE about their hate of crocks. I love you and your crocks. :)
    Devan

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  64. Anonymous19:26

    great lookin' crocs! (said no one ... EVER ...) LOL
    You go girl, rock those crocs ;-)

    Love your blog

    Lori

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  65. It's not about "not caring" or "not knowing" about fashion. It's about the fact that I can't believe a human being (who's not a movie star) would be narcissistic enough to let them print those answers. HOLY COW! Does she realize that she sounds like the vainest, most shallow person that ever was??? I doubt she could ever blame you for calling her out and making her look bad. The nutjob did it on her own.

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  66. Oh my gosh, please tell me that more people there are like you than the lady in the article. My family is moving to Overland Park this summer (from North Carolina) and I am definitely more like you than the lady in the interview--I get my shoes from Kohls and Target, I love me some cargo pants and tees, and most of the designers she was saying I've never even heard of! My messy closet is only getting cleaned and organized now because we have to put the house on the market!
    Love your blog, keeps me smiling and laughing!!

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  67. Oh em gee. I don’t even know where to start. There are so many things that I find disturbing about the Inside My Closet feature.

    First of all, how many names can you drop? I will probably never own a Louis Vuitton and I’m okay with that. I think that name-dropping and bragging about the labels that you wear is merely an attempt to make others feel envious.

    Second, do some people really buy new wardrobes every season? And center it around one piece? So now I’m feeling insecure. Every article of clothing that I’m wearing right now is at least three years old. And they were all purchased on clearance.

    Extravagant “push present.” My “push present” was a baby. Twice. The best gifts ever.

    I think that I need to consider a career in physical therapy. Early retirement AND a generous pension.

    Her closet is a nice size, but nothing to write home about. Where’s the chandelier?

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  68. Anonymous14:11

    Fuck me, I wear cargo pants and my coach purse every single day - with flip flops. I don't have time to do laces on shoes while my toddler races to escape the house. Cargo pants are kid durable and comfortable, and look better on me than the regular mom jeans, and frankly, the coach purse is durable and big enough for the toddler gear AND my wallet. I thought I was at least doing a bit higher brow with the coach purse than carrying a bargain knapsack!

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  69. Rach17:44

    "It would be jumble of cheap clothes and Payless shoes with me perched in the mess somewhere peering out from behind the hamper of dirty clothes."

    I've never commented before, but had to let you know that this made me snort uncontrollably. Love your blog. Thanks for the snort.

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  70. "Where else can you live where I see passive mothers in $100 yoga pants negotiating with a 3 year old in the toy aisle?"

    She can be punched now and "Rocco" will get his in about 15 years.

    The worst part is these types always seem to carry on this discourse at between 80-100 decibels, as if their children are either deaf, or speaking loudly will have some sort of magical effect on lowering their progeny's brat quotient.

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  71. I will admit that I do care about hangers in a closet! They don't have to be the fancy Slim hangers, the white plastic tube ones from the dollar store are fine. What's important is that they all match and are a neutral color. When hangers are identical, the clothes all hang at the same level. When hangers are the same neutral color, your eye doesn't 'see' them, just the clothes.

    I recently helped my MIL revamp her wardrobe, and I bought her all new hangers. Hers were a miss mash of dry cleaners (no wire hangers!) and multicolored tube hangers (hot pink, orange, brown and blue). A print blouse on a hot pink hanger hurt my eyes!

    Yes, it's a small thing, but her closet looked much better when it was done. Now, let's see if it will stay that way...

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  72. My closet also looks exactly like that! Except nothing white, nothing properly hung up, and, you know, a quarter of the space. But otherwise: identical!

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  73. I hope to God no one ever comes to interview me in our closet. It is fairly organized I suppose but it is also where my husband and I sneak away to have sex. I still have a kid sleeping in our bed and with 9 kids we dont have many options for privacy. That would be one interesting interview!!! "My favorite color is pink but right where you are standing was where we did my favorite position last night"!!! :)

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  74. Anonymous21:43

    I fuckin love you, man.

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  75. Wow! We must have the same stylist!

    I've never found a top I didn't like better in black. ...Pair that black top with some kind of ON or Gap bottoms and that's pretty much daily-life's uniform.

    Going out for drinks? No problem! Just pop on a scarf... maybe a headband or earrings... and you've got "dressy"!

    "But what about work?" you may ask... "You certainly can't wear cargo pants to teach classes!"

    Well... never fear! It is easy to find a kicky pair of almost-grown-up looking slacks from the Banana Republic sales rack that complement those black tops marvelously!

    And Jen... should you find yourself bored with your fabulous wardrobe, I invite you to come raid mine anytime! Happy to share my array of black tops and ON/Gap bottoms anytime!

    And lest you now think... "WOW! That’s Mighty Generous of you, Xina!" I should confide...

    I am, in all likelihood, the "neighbor eating a cookie in the middle of the afternoon" mentioned in your “Idiots on Message Boards” post from earlier today... (at least in these last few months of over-indulgent stress-eating). In fact, that cookie she caught me eating was merely the 2nd course in-between a bowl of popcorn and a 1/2 bag of potato chips...

    HENCE... I actually own several versions of this fabulous tri-toned ON/Gap wardrobe in sizes ranging from 6 - 12!!!

    So something for all... (don't fight over it ladies! There is enough frumpy fashion for everyone!)

    Alas... even realizing that my "fashion sense" might best be described as "please don't look at me" or perhaps (generously) as "... but she has such a great personality!" – I was recently a little crushed by my partner of 8 years... (who, incidentally has a similar wardrobe of his own, except instead of continually buying NEW versions of this "uniform," he prefers to wear what he has until it is beyond the point of the "shredded" look).

    Well... to my dismay... this charming, sensitive long term partner of mine recently told me with genuine concern in his eyes that he was starting to notice that I had "let myself go," and that I should think about “wearing clothes with more colors”, clothes that were less "frumpy" and “more mature...”

    PSHAW I say! ...
    As if Black, army green, and occasionally navy are not colors!!

    As if that Old Navy peasant skirt with my leather flip-flops is not "dressing up!" (I mean the ON website explicitly described it as "FLIRTY"!! Hello!!)

    AND… besides… given that he & I have both been wearing the same uniform for at least 4 of those last 8 years, his “observation” (while not, strictly speaking “untrue”) seems to violate some unwritten long-term-partners-in-their-30s contract about mutually ignoring one another’s increasingly less “careful” appearance.

    When I (kindly) pointed out that his own wardrobe and self-maintenance seem to reflect a love child of Jersey Shore and Charlie Brown (with a bit of Chumlee from “Pawn Stars” swirled in there), he quickly reminded me that men do not have to be concerned with such things!

    UGH! Sexist? YEAH… but also not entirely incorrect given that, as we age, the range of unkempt & “frumpy” men who seem to be valuable real estate appears to grow wider!

    OK... I digress... sorry to carry on... just got a giggle out of your post and had to add my 2 cents!

    As always... enjoying your blog...

    Best,

    Xina
    (AKA - "Eagerly awaiting the return of 'Rubenesque'")

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  76. Love this! My wardrobe sounds a lot like yours- I think before kids, I had one of those ridiculous walk-in closets but I can't even remember it. Now, I'm just lucky to get my laundry done.

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  77. Love. It. I took notes on the "three C's"

    Thanks for linking up to #findingthefunny!

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  78. I love how I found this blog on a link from Yahoo, and then realize we probably live 10 mins apart. It makes it all the more enjoyable when I know its the Johnson County bitches you're making fun of, even if I live in Johnson County, too.

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  79. How have I not seen this before??? L O V E ! ! !

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  80. Guilty on the outlet Coach purses ;)

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  81. I'm ashamed of you for even OWNING anything "Coach"! I get compliments almost every day on my $15 purse from Walmart.

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  82. The Rocco conversation is BRILLIANT. I know that kid. And that mother. Congrats on your VOTY!

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  83. First of all, congrats on the BlogHer thing. I got here after reading your exciting news. Secondly, I'm pissed that I actually clicked the link to the article and read the whole thing, albeit quickly. That is minutes of my life I'll never get back. Is this shit for real??
    "3) I really try to buy colorful items and avoid black. I look best in hues of blue, raspberry, bright greens and true red. I am often tempted to buy a cute black piece but I know it will make me look totally washed out."
    that is the antithesis of my shopping philosophy. oh wait, I don't have a shopping philosophy--except the cheaper, the better--if it ain't on clearance, it ain't even getting a look-see from me. and "altering" my clothes consists of cutting the tags off. wow. i guess this is what you do when you're a "retired physical therapist."

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  84. This is fabulous! I LOVE reading those ridiculous "interviews" in those fancy magazines. My closet is a lot like yours.

    Congratulations on the VOTY honor. So proud to be in such great company!

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  85. Love this post. Congrats on your VOTY honor. I love being in your company. I wrote bronzed beauties in the Humor Category, and I also wish I had written this. So funny, so true and so great. will you be at the conference???? I love the title of your blog too....It's perfect. Hope to meet you in person!

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  86. Congrats on the VOTY honor - totally deserved.

    The Crocs comment totally stands out to me as I have recently ventured forth to the park with my twins. And - FOR SHAME - we were the only peeps there (adult and children alike) not wear the plastic holy shoes.

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  87. HA! If I didn't have a job (during the school year), I'd probably never wear anything besides yoga pants and flip flops. Did I mention my yoga pants are maternity pants? And that my son is 13 months old? :D

    AND I totally had the furry Crocs...BEFORE I became a mom, no less. That's right, bitches.

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  88. I found your blog through a link on BlogHer. I'm so glad I did. This is hilarious.

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  89. "My husband and I moved here from St. Louis 10 years ago and we wanted to live in the most St. Louis-like area of K.C."

    I've lived in Johnson County and I've been to St. Louis more often than I would like. I have to agree with Rachael that South JoCo IS as close to St. Louis as you can get in Kansas City, but in all the worst ways.

    LOVE you blog. Totally obsessed. As a recent KC transplant to ATL, I love seeing the occasional JoCo reference. Blog on sistah!

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  90. Just discovering your blog (via Elf on the Shelf re-post by a friend on FB), and I LOVE this post. Not sure what is funnier -- your fake closet interview or the real one! We live in NC and have a similar "free" magazine for our town that loves to showcase rich people's homes and weddings. So inspiring for us commoners!

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  91. my closet is small and has no door....sad!

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  92. OH, my! I get this magazine...and I am right there with you sister! This is the best version of that column I have EVER SEEN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  93. Oh. My fashion is entirely lacking, also.

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  94. Lol. I have a "Bucket o'flip-flops" in my closet. My roommate is always kidding me that, unless the bucket's full, I don't have enough flip-flops. He's an enabler. :)

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  95. I just threw up a little in my mouth after reading that interview!

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  96. I'm rolling of the Target spiel. I deliberately try and avoid Target on a Saturday morning because of these morons. I want to show the mother the condom section and strongly suggest that she use them. Just a little classier than heading to Walmart where the mother are letting the kids ide underneath the cart. Nice to know that Baltimore is not the only place with useless parents

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  97. fyi, that 'passive mothers' link didn't work for me...

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  98. Are you suuuuuure that wasn't Gwyneth they interviewed??

    =)

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  99. Yes, I am a neat freak too lol!

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  100. I'm with you 1,000% Jen!!
    I prefer cargos, capris, and even crops vs. mom jeans- not since I've grown out of Guess Jeans (size-wise, not age-wise ;) ), I haven't been able to find "big girl sized jeans" with just as tight cuffs!
    I'm with you about the Crocs- only I'm as cheap as your Hubs with toilet paper- I have 2 pairs of knock-offs from the Flea Market, plus one pair that I wear to work only that I paid 20 bucks for last year and will layer duct tape on the soles to keep 'em!!!
    I used to wear just about all Gap, but since they don't carry big girl sizes, I rely on Wal-Mart/thrift stores.
    Keep 'em coming Jen!!!

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