I get this magazine delivered to my house every month. It's one of those glossy mags that you get for free because you live in the "right" zip code. There is absolutely no substance to it. It's full of ads for botox and vein treatments, chic women's clothing, and lists upon lists of restaurants and boutiques in the area that the publisher thinks I make enough money to frequent.
|My closet looks just like this. Only everything is black...and it's messier...and not so organized...or spacious, but otherwise, just like this!|
The interview consists of questions like: What are you wearing? and What do you do during the day? It is always a hilarious read.
This magazine arrived today and I honestly thought this month's interview was faked. The column is called Inside My Closet.
This woman was photographed in her ridiculously organized closet wearing a bunch of brands I barely recognize and when they asked about her daily routine she bragged that she does "GTL" like Jersey Shore only different. Instead of gym, tan, laundry she does gym, tennis and lunch. You have got to be kidding me. Who actually says that out loud and allows it to be printed?
This got me thinking. Yes, I think her answers are vapid, but really, would mine be any better? What would I say if this magazine ever came calling at my house?
First, the photo would be laughable. It would be jumble of cheap clothes and Payless shoes with me perched in the mess somewhere peering out from behind the hamper of dirty clothes.
I might clean my closet if I knew they were coming, but I definitely wouldn't change out all my plastic hangers to Slimline hangers, because I really don't give a shit about the aesthetics of my closet. Hell, I barely separate my summer clothes from my winter clothes, do you think I give a fuck about how my clothes "drape" on their hangers?
My answers would be just as idiotic as hers, just more low brow.
What are you wearing? My best cargo pants from Eddie Bauer and a black fitted t-shirt from Sam's Club. I really like the stretchiness of the fabric.
Why do you love this outfit? Because cargo pants seem cooler than mom jeans and I didn't think yoga pants would be appropriate for this photo shoot, plus they still have the tags on them. I like to wear black on top, because it draws attention away from "the girls" and it will camouflage nicely when I spill my lunch on it later today.
Describe your closet and what you most like about it? It's big and it has a door so you can't see how messy it is. The cubbies make nice places to hide Christmas gifts and forget them until 2 years later. Plus, the fluorescents really light it up and make my black shirts look great.
What is your most treasured fashion splurge? I have a sweet collection of Crocs - not knock offs, bitches. This winter, I spent extra and got the furry lined ones. My fashion splurges always revolve around the 3 C's: Crocs, cargo pants and (outlet) Coach bags. Yeah, I carry a Coach bag with my cargos - because it's classy.
In what ways does your wardrobe reflect your personality? Duh. How does it not reflect my personality? Look, when I walk into a party, every other woman's outfit in that place is screaming "Look at me, look at me! I've got so many impressive labels on I can barely walk!" I walk into a party and my outfit whispers, "Hey, I made it - even though you gave me the wrong address. I'm sure it was just a mistake. Anyway, I'm here and I wasn't sure exactly what 'cocktail attire' meant - I hope my prairie skirt works. Anyway, my outfit is not what's important, what I have to say is important so listen up, bitches, there are kids dying in this world someplace and your shoes could have fed them for months!"
Why do you love living in south Johnson County? What's not to love? I live exactly 2.5 miles in either direction from a Target. When I'm feeling a case of writer's block coming on, I get in my car (that I wish was a minivan) and head out to Target and walk the aisles to get fodder. Where else can you live where I see passive mothers in $100 yoga pants negotiating with a 3 year old in the toy aisle? "No Rocco. Mommy told you, we're not getting any toys today. Oh Rocco, please don't cry. Oh baby, now Mommy is sad too. OK, one small toy. How about a ball? Rocco doesn't like the ball? OK, how about a stuffed animal? Rocco, please don't scream at Mommy, it makes Mommy feel bad and hurts Mommy's feelings. I know you're sad because Mommy said no toys, but now I'm trying to help you get a toy, but you don't like the ball and you don't like the stuffed animal. Fine, Rocco, just stop crying and Mommy will buy you the archery set you want. I'm sure the age guidelines on the box are just for legal reasons, you don't really need to be 12 to shoot an arrow! Let's go! Mommy needs toilet paper."
What is your design philosophy when it comes to fashion? Is this a real question? My design philosophy is basically this: 1.) If a clothing item is black, khaki, forest green or brown and is on the clearance rack at Eddie Bauer, Gap, or Old Navy or a store similar to these, I will stop and look at it and see if it fits into my wardrobe. 2.) I can never have too many black shirts. 3.) I buy nothing that requires dry cleaning and preferably nothing that requires ironing.
What is your secret when it comes to loving how you look? Low lights and as few mirrors as possible.
Do you have any fashion tips you might offer? Take 30 bucks to Wal-Mart and invest heavily in scarves and hats, they can cover a host of problem areas. Bad hair day? Throw on a cute $6 hat. Drip toothpaste on your shirt? No problem, drape a $5 scarf over the offending area and you're good to go!
If you liked this, you will LOVE my book!