The Lady Who Tied Her Baby to Her Wedding Gown

I realize that when you plan your wedding you can do whatever you'd like. You're the boss. It's your big day. Knock yourself out. I've seen brides wear black and grooms wear shorts. I've seen dogs who are best men and/or ring bearers. I've seen brides bow down to their husbands and practically swear fealty to them.

What I have never seen was a baby tied to the train of a bridal gown.

Have you seen this???

So, this lady somehow tied her one month old baby to the train of her wedding gown and then dragged her down the aisle behind her.

Why you ask?

Who the hell knows? It's the craziest thing I've seen at the wedding.

I get the desire of wanting to have your baby involved in your wedding, but couldn't the bride bling a wagon or a baby buggy so the groom could push the baby down the aisle? Couldn't someone make her a silk sling to carry the baby and keep her hands free for her flowers?

"This train will be perfect for the twins!"
How does this idea even come about? She never really said. When you read the article you'll see she talks a lot of illiterate gibberish about how the baby was "covered in Christ" and how they're all covered by "the Blood" so they're "all good." Well, I'm just glad she settled that.

Since she won't tell us about her thought process on this one, so I'll go ahead and make something up. Maybe the bride was at David's Bridal trying on dresses (she can try and say that dress is Vera Wang, but she's not fooling anyone, especially when Vera's denied she had anything to do with it) with her mom and sister.

She tries on the first one.

Mother of the Bride: Oooh, honey, that one looks great. You're beautiful.

Sister of the Bride: I love that one, sis. It's perfect.

Bride: I do like this one. I wonder if I could find a matching one for Baby.

MOB: Oh. Baby is coming to the wedding?

Bride: Of course she is. She's our baby, Mother!

MOB: Well, I just didn't know she was coming. You didn't invite your Cousin Hildy's children, so I assumed children weren't invited.

Bride: My own children can come, of course! Besides, Cousin Hildy's children are the spawn of the devil. I don't want those brats ruining my special day.

SOB: So true.

Bride: Besides, we're covered in Christ. Baby should be too.

MOB: So, what will you do with Baby during the ceremony?

Bride: What do you mean? I thought you could hold her.

MOB: ME? No. I can't. You're my first child to get married. My oldest daughter. I want to watch the wedding and not be distracted by a fussy baby.

Bride: Baby isn't that fussy. She could lay on the floor at your feet on a blanket and you'd never even know she was there. She loves to be on the floor!

SOB: Mom's right. She needs to enjoy your wedding. She paid enough for it.

Bride: OK, well, I'll ask Hubby's mother.

SOB: That won't work. You know how she is. She won't even babysit long enough for you to run to the store. She doesn't "do" babies. She'll never say yes.

Bride: Yes, you're right. What about you? You're my Maid of Honor. It would be perfect! You could hold Baby while Hubby and I say our vows. She could witness the whole thing.

SOB: I don't think so. She might spit up on me. I plan to shorten this dress and wear it again to go clubbing and I won't get any men to buy me drinks with spit up down the front of my skirt. Besides, I'm going to be very busy during the wedding. My job is super important.

Bride: Your job? What is your job except to hold my flowers and straighten my train ... MY TRAIN! I got it. You two suck, but lucky for you I'm a multi-tasking momma!

MOB: I don't understand.

SOB: What are you talking about?

Bride: You'll see! Excuse me, I need to go and see the tailor and have her add a couple of feet to the back of my dress and advise me how to best sew a baby to a train without harming her or the dress, because I want to go clubbing too.

And there you have it.

I still wonder about the reception though. Do you think she detached the baby before the reception? Or did she bustle her up into some sort of papoose you wear on your ass?

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SnarkfestBlog said...

Perfect. This is PERFECT.

FDC said...

If they were covered in Christ, wouldn't that mean that they DIDN'T/WOULDN'T have sex BEFORE the marriage? They're not covered in anything except stupidity.

nikki said...

I really have no comment on this... other than to say... Thank You Bride and Groom, for giving me something else to shake my head at...

StefK said...

"Or did she bustle her up into some sort of papoose you wear on your ass?"

NOW THAT'S FUNNY RIGHT THERE! Good thing I wasn't drinking anything! HA!

Unknown said...

Nothing says "I love my baby so much that I just have to have her in my wedding" like attaching her to your dress and dragging her down the aisle BEHIND you on the freaking floor! It kind of like some sort of weird "Just Married" display of cans dragging behind your car when you drive away.

carrie said...

Thank goodness someone (you) addressed this. It is so weird. So many other options!

Sara@iSass said...

Ding ding sing! 500 points to FDC! As I was struggling between NOT judging and snorting with laughter, this thought crossed my mind. It is sad all the negative feedback, but honestly what did you think would happen when you tied your baby to your dress and dragged her on the floor? I don't see a rush of brides demanding these alterations! I am honestly surprised Kim Kardashian West didn't think of it first!

Sue said...

Can you imagine the first dance with the baby on the train?

ToniT said...

Not your best work, Jen. I mean, with all the complete sentences, correct punctuation, and failure to substitute "gone" for "going to", that conversation is completely implausible.

Meg said...

This is her comment:

People questioning what we do, commenting all negative, and just doing the most. We good though we covered by the Blood which never loose its power. So to the media, radio, news, and whomever else wanting to talk about what WE do here you go: Media Media I see how it works regardless the situation or purpose people gone have something negative to say! The answer is we do what we want when we want long as Jesus on our side everything worked out fine and gone continue to be fine. Our 1 month old was awake and well secured on my train. Most important while yall got ya feelings in us we had our hearts in Christ which covers all!! So keep ya mouths running for it was just that Exclusive and Epic enough we made top blog way from small town Ripley, TN and the social media doing what they do, TALK!!!!

I can't made heads or tails out of a single word of this! Is this English? What the hell is she saying?

Unknown said...

See the first thing I said when I saw this article is "Why didn't she forgo the bouquet to hold her baby. That's what I would have done." Mhm mhm mhm some people these days.

Jenna said...

Gotta be careful with that kind of thinking. She might have packaged the baby INTO the bouquet.

JMc said...

Just from the quote in the article, I'm pretty sure the conversation leading up to the baby on the dress train was not as grammatically correct as what you have written here, lol!

Unknown said...

I am so wondering about the reception. I have horrid mental images to baby train swishing all over the floor to "Islands in the Stream."

lea said...

Some baby bows have Epic flowers, mbe she should have just stuck giant flowers on the baby's head and carried her then handed her to the MOH.

Baer said...

Ha! My thoughts exactly.

Unknown said...

Your wedding dress dialogue made me spit out my tea.

MoodyEdits said...

My thoughts exactly! :)

Anonymous said...

Um... What? Yeah, chick makes no sense and has none. Good Lord.

One Bad Pixie said...

Thank you for posting this. This was the only way I would be able to get thru the story and find out what happened. Otherwise I knew I would just skip it , but because of your commentary, the level of crazy is bearable.

I agree with FDC upwards in the comments. If they were so 'covered in Christ' they wouldn't be having premarital sex or the child to drag down the aisle. Can we agree their 15 minutes of shame are up and move on?

Unknown said...

In her defense, although I can't believe I'm defending this idiot, my hubs and are catholic and lived in sin for years before we were married. We try to be good people, do things for others, and contribute positively to the world around us. I would hate to think all of that is canceled out and we are bad Christians just because we had sex before we were married. That being said, she definitely is an illiterate moron. This is borderline child abuse. It doesn't seem like the baby was in any serious danger but who drags a 4 wk old on the ground??

Unknown said...

I love the guy on the right who is looking over and his face is clearly saying what the fuck is that on her dress? Is that a baby?

Unknown said...

I love the guy on the right who is looking over and his face is clearly saying what the fuck is that on her dress? Is that a baby?

Unknown said...

I just dies at the dialogue. Especially the last line where the bride says "...because I want to go clubbing too". Just lost it right there. So funny.

zerry ht said...

I also haven’t seen a baby tied at a wedding gown. Its looks quite strange. I recently attended one wedding at one of NYC wedding venues and was amazed to see the d├ęcor. It was done perfectly and I seriously loved everything.

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