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| What a pretty doorstop. |
Before the show started I had to make some observations about the ladies' fashion. (I think there some men there too, but I have no opinions about wide lapels vs. narrow lapels. I just know a few men looked like undertakers.) There was a lot of double stick tape in use last night. What was the deal with all those boobies taped to the side so we could see down their middle? Very few women can carry off that look and many of them weren't there last night. I think there were a couple of DIY dresses: J-Lo couldn't find anything she liked so she grabbed a few doilies at the last minute and covered her nude body suit with them and Lucy Liu obviously tore down the drapes in her hotel room and wore those. At awards shows I'm always reminded how much Sofia Vergara looks like a real live Jessica Rabbit. If you're going to pick a spicy Latina though, I think Salma Hayek took home that trophy last night. (Hubs would not shut up about how "tousled" she looked. I think that's code for "just rolled out of my bed.") The best quote of the night about fashion on my Twitter feed was from @jelbutle who tweeted "Is Giuliana dressed as a riverboat madam?" Seriously. Did you see that hot mess? She's a fashion expert? What do I know? I was wearing a fleece muumuu.
The night started with my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler killing their opening. They brought some much deserved snark down on James Franco and his Oscar hosting skills. (Did you watch the Oscars last year? He barely phoned in his performance.) After James Franco, they also made certain that they would never be hired to appear in a James Cameron movie (Eh, who wants to be in Avatar 2 anyway?) after they said poor Kathryn Bigelow learned all about torture during her marriage to him. That's when @angrivated tweeted "James Cameron's balls just shrank back into his body."
The Colonel looked fabulous and she was hilarious. I was so nervous before the show, because NBC was hyping it so much and it's hard to live up to that kind of pressure. I don't know why I was nervous, though, because of course she delivered!
I just wish there was more of her!
Do you ever try and guess the winners? I like to, but I've rarely seen any of the movies (the Hubs always makes us wait for the DVDs to be available at the library) so I can't really make an educated guess. Instead, I just follow my tried and true cheat sheet. Here are some tips you can follow while playing along at home:
1. The awards are given by the Hollywood Foreign Press - note FOREIGN - so of course they're going to favor anything foreign. When in doubt of who to pick for winners on your game card at home - always go for the foreigner.
Look at these winners from last night:
Daniel Day Lewis - Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama
Christopher Waltz - Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Damian Lewis - Best Actor in a Television Miniseries Drama - This one threw me for a minute. I am a huge "Homeland" fan and to me, Brody is an all-American hero who just can't open his mouth very wide. When Damian Lewis gave his acceptance speech he sounded like an extra from "Mary Poppins." I'd never heard his brogue before and I kept thinking he was putting it on and that his "Brody" voice would come back. I forgot to watch his mouth though and see if he opens it wider when he speaks normally. Anyone notice?
Maggie Smith - Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television - Ms. Smith (I would never deign to call her "Maggie") was up against some young, hot competition and she proved my second tip:
2. When you have old (saucy) dames in a category with young hotties, go for old dames (and it doesn't hurt if she's foreign too - double whammy). I haven't seen "Hitchcock" or "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" so I'm assuming Helen Mirren and Judi Dench weren't saucy enough. Sally Field and Meryl Streep aren't old dames - yet. That's why HFP went with Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway (plus, sometimes the odds makers are right).
3. Adele always wins. If Adele is in your category, you'd better just have a fake smile to plant on your face. Poor Taylor Swift needs to learn this lesson. Did you see her last night? Adele was giving her adorable speech about how she didn't expect to win and had just come to have a Moms' Night Out (yeah, MNO at the Golden Globes, can you imagine?) with her friend who is also a new mom. Adele said something like, "We're just mums who came for some fun!" At that moment the camera panned to Taylor Swift whose look said, "Fuck mums. I came to win."
4. I don't know why they put comedy and musical together. It's the strangest pairing. Poor comedy rarely has a chance against a big sweeping musical and this year was no different. Les Mis took out every funny entry. I haven't seen this movie yet, but the previews make me cry so I'm positive I will love this one. I'm hoping to sneak out later this week during the school day so I can sit in a theater by myself and sing and sob all at the same time.
5. When picking the animation winner, always bet on Disney. Helllooooo . . . what is the first name you think of when you think animated movies? "Brave" was the only movie I saw in this category and I have to say I was disappointed in this one. How did I miss that three quarters of this movie was about a girl and a bear?? I never once saw a bear in the previews. I appreciated that she was a strong heroine who didn't need rescuing and instead spent her time working out her issues with her mom, but I thought this one was boring. Good thing the animation was beautiful so I had something to enjoy. Because "Brave" won this category and is considered the "best," I'm not sure I want to see any of the others now.
6. Ugly crying and uncomfortable nudity always win. This is why two of my favorite shows won quite a bit last night. "Homeland" (is there ever an episode where Carrie doesn't lose it?) and "Girls" (Lena Dunham is not afraid to let it all hang out and have awkward sex). I love Lena, but it was like a knife in my heart when she said that Tina and Amy got her through "middle school." WTF is that, Lena? Ouch, little girl. You don't call out the Colonel like that. Be warned, though, she will come back one day and win - when she is a saucy dame. Saucy dame beats uncomfortable nudity every time.
7. If Jodie Foster gets the Cecil B. DeMille Award then I am old. In case Lena Dunham didn't make me feel old enough, giving Jodie Foster a Lifetime Achievement Award did me in. Remember when they used to give those to old people? People who needed canes and walkers to get on stage? Jodie looked fantastic for 50 and I think she came out of the closet, but then she said she's been out for years. I missed the memo on that one. I think she also retired from acting. I couldn't follow. Maybe she was drunk? Her speech wasn't any stranger than Kevin Costner's. What was that all about? I think he might be suicidal. Someone should check on him today. All I know is if Jodie is happy, then I'm happy.
8. If the Oscars snubbed someone that Hollywood likes, the Golden Globes will make it right. Did you see how many times "Argo" won last night? That was the Golden Globes saying a big old F-you to the Oscars. But the Oscars just laughed and said, Please. We're the old dame, bitch.
Don't forget to follow me on Twitter on Oscar night!
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