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For My Secret Valentine

Valentine's Day is here and I should be writing a heartfelt post about the Hubs.  I've done that already and then he responded and then I responded and now I'm just bored by all of that.

Instead, I will send out a very special Valentine to the person I think could possibly be my soul mate.  I imagine us taking long walks together, laughing over deli sandwiches, cracking ourselves up making fun of Sarah Palin, having playdates with our kids, working together to make sure our daughters don't grow up to be Queen Bees or Wanna Bees and sharing our love/hate relationship with mom jeans.  This person would complete me.

The problem is, my secret Valentine doesn't know I exist.  So I decided to write a letter and since I've had some decent luck with my letters getting in the right hands, I thought I'd take a shot again.  So here goes....

Dear Tina Fey,

I adore you.  Not in a creepy I want to wear your skin like a Snuggie kind of way, just in a major non-lesbian girl crush sort of way (although I'm cool with lesbians and if you wanted to try that I could probably be talked into it, but only by you).

We could be friends, girl.  I know it.  I feel it.  You and I definitely think alike on so many levels.  I read that you wrote an anonymous satirical column in your high school newspaper.  Hello....what do you think I'm doing right now?  True, I'm a bit older than a high school student, but it's still cool that we have that in common don't you think?  Your byline was The Colonel.  I'm thinking of changing mine to The Jeneral ( the "Jeneral" with a "J" - an homage to you and a play on my name - get it??)

I promise if we ever went to lunch we wouldn't need to talk about writing.  I'd just buy you lunch and ask you to make fun of everyone in the room.  If you said yes, I'd fly to New York tomorrow and take you to lunch!  Have you been to TGIFridays?  It's a special place for me and I'd like to share it with you too.

Courtesy of Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess.
Come on, stranger things have happened! Did you see that story about the Pittsburgh Steeler player who met a random fan for lunch and ended up spending all Super Bowl weekend together hanging out? That could be us! They worked out together, they ate several meals together, they attended a party together and had massages together. I would be happy to do all of that except the workout part, let's just get massages twice. They're BFFs now and we could be too.

Seriously, Tina, I admire you and what you've accomplished.  You are truly the funniest person in all of show business.  Not the funniest woman - the funniest person.  I read Bossypants and it inspired me to start working on my own memoirs.  Once I get it done, I'll send it to you.  I know you'll be on pins and needles until it arrives.  It's worth the wait, I promise.

So, here it is, my Valentine message to you, Tina.  I want you in my life.  I need you in my life.  Men come and go, but our friendship could be forever.

Lots of love,

Your number one fan The Jeneral

OK, readers I need your help to get my Valentine into Tina's hands.  Do you have a cousin whose neighbor is related to a guy who used to work in the next cubicle over from a woman who met a limo drive who once drove Tina's assistant to pick up her dry cleaning?  Send this to your cousin!  Maybe you don't even have that close of a connection.  It's ok, because YOUR circle might, so go ahead and share it, tweet it, mail it, send it by carrier pigeon.  Use your six degrees of separation to its fullest potential.  Surely, we can get this to Tina.  When I have lunch with her I'll tell her all about you and how much you love her too.  

UPDATE:  Huffington Post is trying to help me make my dream a reality.  Late this afternoon they picked up my letter and published it on their site.  I don't kid myself that Tina might actually read this blog, but there is a real good chance she reads HP.  Please check it out and leave a comment on HP about how much you love Tina too.  Together we can do this!

UPDATE 5/30/12:  I think Tina is trying to communicate with me through her show.  Check it out.

40 comments:

  1. haha that is awesome. And I am in the middle of Bossypoants! LOVE it! Cursed children will not leave me be to read it in one sitting though, they keep asking for food, or something!

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  2. You may want to be MY BFF now! My cousins grew up with Alec and the Baldwin Bunch.... Forwarding this to them as they still stay in touch. Hey! Ya never know!

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  3. YOU Are a friggin genius! Love me some Tina Fey! She and I went to the same High School. I graduated 2 years after her. I will be happy to post this on my fb page, but I don't think anyone I know, knows her personally, but maybe someone they know? Who knows? I would love to pick your brain about your writing. I have a blog and would love it to get out there like yours! Talk to you soon. Hope it gets to her!

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  4. I sooooo hope she reads this! She is the funniest person alive (other than you of course) and I can totally see the two of you "clicking"! Good luck!

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  5. @TinaFeyOfficial is her Twitter name! I just tweeted your blog post and am confident that using my 6 degrees I can get you that meeting, lol.....Good luck! I love reading your blog and secretly think YOU and I could be friends, ha!

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    1. You get me lunch with Tina and I'll sneak you in.

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  6. I know Snooki...... want to be my bff? Lol

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  7. Excellent, Jen! I love Tina, too. Good choice! :) http://amysreallife.wordpress.com

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  8. Well, Dammit, I thought the letter was going to be to me!!

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  9. I love this! You took the words, well, not out of my mouth because that might be a little weird since they are on a keyboard, but you did say something I have always thought. There that sounds better!

    Way to go Jen!

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  10. get in line. I want to be Tina's BFF!

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  11. Dude. I am right there with you. She is hilarious and inspiring. Bossypants is the greatest piece of literature. Take me with you when you go have lunch.

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  12. I JUST posted this to my Facebook page... hopefully someone famous will read it and hit "print" and "hand" it to her.
    -ugh, wishfull thinking. NO one even remotely famous reads my FB page but just in case they know someone, i'm willing to help YOU out! Because I absolutely LOVE your blog!

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  13. I am hiding in Tina Fey's bushes right now. I'll print this out and throw it towards her door before the cops come! You're welcome!

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  14. and that's not creepy at all! LOL ;) totally kidding aside...I hope she sees it as the plea that it is! haha Good LUCK! Love reading your blog.

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  15. She is awesome. I'll make a deal. If younger to her could you hook me up with Ellen? Kthankxjbye

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  16. Lol, this seems like something someone else would get a throat punch for. Someone writing desperate letters hoping it falls on the eyes of their beloved celebrity crush while trying hard not to sound creepy (and making sure to point out that you AREN'T being creepy). Taking it a step further, asking their minions to make sure it does. LOL! Good luck, nonetheless! I'll be waiting for a real throat punch post. Love those.

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  17. I believe we've jumped the shark.

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  18. Hey, I think that you stole my fan letter to Tina!! Seriously though ... you are dead on that she is the funniest person alive (Jane Lynch is a close second) and Bossypants is a national treasure. Let me know when that lunch is so I'm not late....

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  20. I went to school with Lutz. His dad was my Pastor for a while. Just sayin'.

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  21. I posted this to my facebook... mayhaps it will get to her! (actually I posted it because you may help me not look so crazy in my love of the Tina Fey!)

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  22. I tweeted it to her for you. :) Good luck! XOXO

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  23. Lunch with Tina Fey?! I want to go to there!

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  24. Bossypants & the Jeneral - now that would be a lunchdate to remember! Hope u guys hook up - after all there is no true love like that of the bitch that really 'gets' you <3

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  25. So, according to your husband, you and Tina will be dining in a upscale restaurant?

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  26. Ah I love Tina Fey! But alas we could never be friends, my husband has a huge crush on her and I am afraid if we were friends I'd break my hand with all the throat punching I would be doing!

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  27. Jen, you are my secret girl crush! I'd totally have lunch and go shopping with you if Tina's too busy!

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  28. I'd share this, but the thought of an average Joe (or Jen) getting to hang out with Tina who isn't me makes me want to punch that person in the throat.

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  29. Did you see the SNL clip where Tina Fey is a teacher daydreaming about Justin Bieber? That's how I'm picturing your meeting, only with you as the Tina Fey character and her as the Justin Bieber character. But then, I do relate most life experiences to SNL clips.

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  30. I totally get the Tina Fey thing. I think that when you start to put your adoration into words its always going to sound a little like an Eminem song no matter how cool or funny you are, but I hope you get to meet her so we can enjoy it vicariously through you. Btw wtf Valentines day! You are so right! We are only just over Chinese New year - and I am not even Chinese. Every week we seem to be celebrating something and the children come out of school clutching the crafty fruits of their labours (I feel sooo bad when I chuck in the bin/trash). Anyhow, love the blog - it makes the darker days of SAHM-hood a little lighter.

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  31. As someone who frequently blogs about her love of celebrities, I totally pink puffy heart with a cherry on top this column! I have never thought to take the open letter approach, but Angie Harmon if you are reading this...call me girl, come on now, we are practically neighbors!
    I will be crossing all of my crossables that you and Tina become B.F.F.s. I can honestly see you as the next Oprah and Gayle. Don't forget for all of us watching this friendship unfold, we will want pictures from the lunch! :)
    Ashley
    http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2011/06/23/and-the-oscar-goes-to/

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  32. Completely understand. When I first found your blog, I posted your Elf On A Shelf overachieving link on my facebook page with the caption "I think I've just found my new bestfriend!". LOL

    www.thingsmyboyfriendsaidtoday.blogspot.com/

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  33. so, when i first read this blog, i didnt really understand WHY you would have a "crush" on tina fey, but then my fiance and i watched "date night" the other night for the first time, and, now, i get it :) i havent lauhed that hard at a movie in a long time! i hope this blog works for you and you get to meet her LOL :)

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  34. Oh, I love me a big ole chunk of Tina Fey! She is so hilarious and cool.
    Tracy @ Momaical

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