Punk Ass Kids

I'm really fed up with teenagers lately.  It's funny, there's all this brouhaha about banning babies/little kids from airplanes and restaurants and to me I'd take a crying baby ANY DAY over a punk ass teenager.  At least a crying baby can't help being a pain in the ass whereas a teenager being a dick is just a dick like this sweet little princess.

The teens I've been coming into contact with lately are such a waste of space I feel I must punch the entire generation.  Sorry, if you've got a "good one" living under your roof.  You obviously keep a tight rein on your teen and you don't let him/her out in public to act like a jackhole like this power-fueled zit holder:

On Monday we took the fam to Worlds of Fun.  It's like the Kansas City version of Six Flags, only smaller since it's KC.  My kids chose to ride the log ride as their first ride of the day.  Since I'm pushing 40 these days and I've given birth to two kids my bladder is not what it used to be.  I, of course, needed to use the rest room before we rode through sloshing water.  I told them I'd catch up.  I found my family about halfway through the line and I popped over the barrier to join them.  Immediately I was confronted by a sweaty faced teenage girl telling me I'd just "cut" all the people behind me.  I was so stunned by this that I did not have an immediate witty retort other than, "I had to use the bathroom."

"I understand that, but you can't stay here.  You're cutting all of these people behind you."

"No, I'm JOINING my family.  I had to use the restroom and they saved my place."

"Your family can stay, but you have to go.  You're CUTTING."

I turned and looked at the people behind me.  No one said anything.  Really, people?  You feel like I'm cutting you?  The boat seats 4.  I'm just filling out our boat.  Were you going to join my family of 3 in a boat that seats 4?  Am I really holding you up from your ride?  Did I say I was going to take my own boat and ride alone?  You pussies.  You can't speak up because you're afraid this 15 year old kid will exert her full measure of power and throw you out of the park.

As I considered my next move, I noticed several posted signs alerting me to the illegality of line jumping.  The signs indicated that the girl did indeed have the power to boot my ass from the park if I fought her. 

We'd just plunked down a hundred bucks for a fun day and this was the first ride of the day.  Was I really willing to risk getting booted?  I looked at my kids with their big, worried eyes and swallowed my pride.

"Fine."  I said.  "We'll ALL get out of line."  We all jumped the barrier and I couldn't resist, but I had to add, "What are you, like 15?  You don't even understand.  This is my family.  These are my kids.  They were holding my place, you ...idiot."  Yeah, "idiot" was the best I could do.  My kids were standing there and I think they'd cry if they heard me say "twat" which is what I really wanted to call her.  Plus, I have no intention of teaching my kids to swear.  That's what public school is for.

The rest of our day at WoF was filled with a combination of sullen teenager workers who could barely be trusted to check my children's harness belts before sending them whirling 30 feet in the air or Hitler's Youth yelling at us to keep the harnesses belted until the ride comes to a "full and complete stop."  Some of the HY really enforced that one.  A couple of middle schoolers got the threat that they would be banned from the ride if they unbuckled their seat belts.  Even though I didn't like the first HY I met on the log flume, I have to say I was more inclined to be on the HY side since I didn't want my kids to unbuckle their seat belts before we were stopped (like the Hubs taught them!).

The other teenagers that are pissing me off this week are the ones who are setting fire to our local elementary school playgrounds.  What a bunch of dickheads.

Last year our school had their playset burned to the ground and it was a real pain in the ass.  It cost a lot of money to get the playground rebuilt and it couldn't get done until winter so the kids didn't have the playset for the first semester. 

I said on my FB yesterday that these punks should be caned when they're caught and someone suggested they be forced to rebuild the structure.  These kids couldn't build a diorama in fifth grade (you know Mommy did it for them) so I don't trust them to build the monkey bars my kid is going to be swinging from.  No thank you.

I'd rather see them sell their big ass trucks with the Truck Nutz and use the money to pay for the new playset.  I'd like to see them get their asses caned so hard they can't sit, so they'd have to stand out there all day and supervise the work, bringing water to the workers when they need it and holding their tools for them.  If the truck money is not enough then they have to sell their iPad, iPhone, computer, PlayStation, $200 jeans, etc.  We'll have a big auction on their front lawn of their belongings.  I've always wanted an iPad and I love a good auction. 

These punks burning down playsets and telling their fathers to stop being "prudes" are the same kids who got rewards for hanging up their coats properly and were applauded for finishing twelfth in a 12 person game.  These kids have been spoiled their entire lives and have obviously never been punished for anything they've done. 

What would YOUR parents have done if you burned down a school playground?  I know I probably wouldn't be here writing this.  I would have been killed (literally) or shipped off to a military school and I'd be serving my country proudly in Iraq right now. 

It's just unbelievable to me that these little shits are our future leaders.  I didn't think it could be worse than it is now, but I could be wrong. 

24 comments:

trocar.trainee said...

Do you have ANY idea how much I completely LOVE you???? ANY...FREAKING...IDEA???

I have told all my best girlfriends about your blog (all two of them), and your posts seem to dominate most of our conversations these days. You are like Erma Bombeck tossed with a little Chelsea Handler...and we LOVE it!!!

Jen said...

@trocar, Thank you for the compliment - Chelsea Bombeck or Erma Handler (I like that one better) might become my new pen name. Thanks too for introducing your two friends to me. How about some random acquaintances too? I'm ready to branch out.

Anonymous said...

We should get together for drinks and discuss things like this. Hahahaha! I have so many to tell!!! Thank you for having this blog. Now I don't feel so alone in my opinions.

Dayna said...

The jackhole disease must be spreading among the tween and teen crowd (new form of STD from "hooking up"). Granted, there are some good ones out there - I used to work with a great group of teenagers.

I came across one while getting on the "El" in Chicago. Her snide comment: Shouting "mom" at me as I walked by, followed by, "oh she must not have heard me". Then she was behind on the escalator exiting the El station and she said it again, trying to gain giggles from her group of friends, as well as my attnetion. Fine. I turned around and glared at her as if saying "are. you. a. complete. friggin. waste. of. space?" The answer, of course, is yes. She was.
1. I am, in fact, old enough to be her mother, if I was impregnated just out of college.
2. Her mom could very well be a friend of mine.
3. Who gives a rat's @$$ what I'm wearing to go shopping at TARGET?
Can it half-wit.

Ashada Hawa said...

I tend to expect teenagers to be self-absorbed and annoying. I felt that way about teenagers when I was 16 (of course, at 16 I was raising my nephew on the weekends and working nearly full time while in school, so I had skewed views anyway).
However, I adore the teenagers who prove me wrong. My little sister is one of them - kid's got a great head on her shoulders.
An awesome example was when I was at the local mall with my 4 year old son. A group of teenage boys were playing on the coin operated kid rides - not actually putting in money though. One of them saw my little guy run up to him, got off the ride and called out to his friends to clear off too. I didn't say a word or look at them funny, nothing. They took it upon themselves to move.

Then I see the idiots who think they own the world.

Jules said...

can't... stop... reading...

you're seriously killing me here. Yesterday some little twit rolled into the gas station in his giant suv with giant shiny rims and took it upon himself to take the next pump instead of waiting for the rest of us to go. I yelled something about daddy's credit card out of my window and he called me a crazy lady.

Crazy? I'll show you crazy you little bastard...

Leslie said...

OMG - "punch the entire generation"- made me crack up! Thanks!

Leslie said...

Forgot to add - really, though, shouldn't we be punching their parents? A 15 yr old and 17 yr old just burnt down a huge historic building in Peru, Ill., at midnight on NYE. Yes, midnight. Where were their parents? Fortunately the two douchey kids were caught and the 17 yr old charged as an adult. Too bad the even more douchtastic parents weren't also arrested and punched in the throats (hereafter to be known as PITT).

Anonymous said...

I think that if a minor commits a crime, the parent should take the sentence. Up to and including the death penalty for minors who murder. I think we'd see discipline become fashionable again in short order. Let the people who raised (or failed to raise) the little douchebags reap the "rewards" of their shitty parenting.

Anonymous said...

Little did you know that when you wrote this, there would be a story about the little fuckers on the bus making Karen Klein cry. I have to say that my daughter is 13 now and she is so above all of the teenage drama bullshit and I love that about her. She and her friends are really good kids and are very articulate and mature for their ages. You know why she is this way? Because I teach her right from wrong, and how to be above stupid shit. She is home for the summer with her 10 year old sister and they have rules.
1. T.V is off by 9 a.m. and can't be back on until after dinner.
2. I write down chores every night on the board to be done the next day. (and I'm not talking stupid half-ass chores like "make your bed". The chores change daily, but they might be something like, clean the bathroom, do the dishes (no dishwasher), wash the floors, vacuum.. shit like that.
3. When they are not doing chores or eating lunch, they are to be OUTSIDE. Unless there is a heat advisory, their butts are outside.

If I get home and these things are not done, there are consequences. It is hard being a parent and being consistent. There are days I want to give in, but if I do, it will make my life miserable. I also spend quality time with my girls. Pre-teens and teenagers need quality time just as much if not more than little ones.

Armand Sellers said...

Gods this is awesome!!!! I totally agree with these little bastards being irritating!

Cristina said...

I went to the Lego Kidsfest this weekend. I knew there would be lots of the parents who don't discipline their little kids. I see it often, upper middle class organic granola no rules...ugh...BUT I was not prepared for the teens to move my 3 year old so they could get to the bin of Legos. The bin that was tot sized and 2 feet high. I looked at the mother, who managed a feeble oh, um, don't, you know, do that, and I moved my tot to an empty space. With a stern word to the mother once my kid couldn't hear. Parents! Your kids are not special! Wait your turn and let them lose sometimes!

Ashley Hooge said...

Maybe these kids are being dumb. And I know that I have personally commented several times on the younger generation as almost "useless". But if we were to really step in their shoes, we might see the hurt in their lives. Yes, their actions are their own and they must own up to them, but how much more powerful would it be to see these kids as valued members of society rather that stupid idiots. If you show love and respect to someone who doesn't deserve it, maybe--just maybe--they might find it within themselves to be better for it.
I know your blog is about people you want to punch in the throat and I laugh a lot on most entries. But I also want to encourage you to view people as people, rather than just degenerative shit.
Thanks!

HypocriticalOath said...

I would have just kept saying to the teen "What, I can't hear you" and just stayed in line. She'd wind up screaming at the top of her lungs and getting all pissed off b/c I was antagonizing her. "What? What? I don't understand you.....Can you repeat that?". Shit like that infuriates kids.

Anonymous said...

my 13 year old son was a dick last week and i walked up to his room, unplugged his ps3 and threw it out the damn 2nd story window. The i took his smartbutt to verizon and put restrictions on his phone while he sat there, mouth gaping teary eyed, now he can't talk or text past 8pm ..his tv was promptly removed from his room and put in the guest room. I finished my day by telling him that he will not treat me or anyone else like a turd or he will lose EVERYTHING...and i damn well mean it!!!!

Anonymous said...

I would first like to punch the parents of snotty teens in the throat, because they started the fight. I almost yelled at a kid the other week in Target, because he took it upon himself to test all of the bike horns. At least twice. Correction, I almost asked him where his mother was so I could punch her.

Kim said...

I teach these precious snowflakes all day. Some of them are just absolutely neat kiddos. Others, well, they need a punch in the throat.

Kim said...

Yay for you! I did something similar with my own precious snowflakes, and I took bedroom doors off the hinges. It only took once, and they learned very quickly that "Momma don't play."

Rebeccah Connelly said...

Can we please get married? I'm in love with you.

ChrisM said...

I taught Middle School "back in the day" (early 90's). When I would run into them in the neighborhood after they graduated college, many would apologize for their arrogant hormonal selves...Good times..lol! Even the ones with strong parents sometimes need a PITT. It is the nature of the Beast!

Samantha said...

I agree with your blog 100% the teens of today need a "punch in the throat".

Until Boxing Day things were great in my family. Everyone was getting along, no arguing amongst the kids (14 yr old girl, 8 and 7 yr old boys).

The kids father and I are separated (healthier relationship that way for us); the kids and I packed up left his house after spending Christmas together and came back to my house.

3am I woke up to find 14 yr old not where she was supposed to be... Long story....

Father is charge with assault and 14 yr old has run away twice since January 24th. The police can't do nothing until she does something criminally wrong, they could violate HER rights.

Haven't seen my daughter since February 5th, she has threatened to have me charged, called me every name in a swear book, admitted to doing cocaine, marijuana, drinking, sex.... the list is endless.

There is nothing I can do as a parent until she hits rock bottom. I just hope rock bottom isn't her life.

Michele said...

Soooooo glad I'm not the only one who isn't buddy-buddy with the neighbors. I'm not saying I hate the people, but I just don't feel compelled to be friends with them. And I get really resentful when they let their kids trash MY yard and don't even bother to make them pick up their mess. I do NOT let my kids do that and I can't figure out why they allow their offspring to do whatever they want. Let's just say I don't want to be here when THOSE kids become teenagers!

Ann I Am said...

You give me faith in mankind that there is someone else rational out there. Sometimes, I think me and my couple friends aren't the only ones with common sense and believe in raising our children properly.

Terry Lee said...

I remember getting into an argument with this insolent little prick who was a mutual friend of my other friends on Facebook because he got all hot & bothered all because I made an assumption about him, I've tried to be civil with him and bury the hatchet but he still kept running his mouth like a true "Facebook tough guy". I swear if I ever met him in person I'd knock his little bitch ass out he tried talking smack to my face because I'm tired of being a nice guy to people on social media.

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