DFP

FB

Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT

What a pretty doorstop.
Last night some friends and I live-tweeted during the Golden Globes and I had so much fun predicting who would win and why.

Before the show started I had to make some observations about the ladies' fashion. (I think there some men there too, but I have no opinions about wide lapels vs. narrow lapels. I just know a few men looked like undertakers.) There was a lot of double stick tape in use last night. What was the deal with all those boobies taped to the side so we could see down their middle? Very few women can carry off that look and many of them weren't there last night. I think there were a couple of DIY dresses: J-Lo couldn't find anything she liked so she grabbed a few doilies at the last minute and covered her nude body suit with them and Lucy Liu obviously tore down the drapes in her hotel room and wore those. At awards shows I'm always reminded how much Sofia Vergara looks like a real live Jessica Rabbit. If you're going to pick a spicy Latina though, I think Salma Hayek took home that trophy last night. (Hubs would not shut up about how "tousled" she looked. I think that's code for "just rolled out of my bed.")  The best quote of the night about fashion on my Twitter feed was from @jelbutle who tweeted "Is Giuliana dressed as a riverboat madam?" Seriously. Did you see that hot mess? She's a fashion expert? What do I know? I was wearing a fleece muumuu.

The night started with my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler killing their opening. They brought some much deserved snark down on James Franco and his Oscar hosting skills. (Did you watch the Oscars last year? He barely phoned in his performance.) After James Franco, they also made certain that they would never be hired to appear in a James Cameron movie (Eh, who wants to be in Avatar 2 anyway?) after they said poor Kathryn Bigelow learned all about torture during her marriage to him. That's when @angrivated tweeted "James Cameron's balls just shrank back into his body."

The Colonel looked fabulous and she was hilarious. I was so nervous before the show, because NBC was hyping it so much and it's hard to live up to that kind of pressure. I don't know why I was nervous, though, because of course she delivered!

I just wish there was more of her!

Do you ever try and guess the winners? I like to, but I've rarely seen any of the movies (the Hubs always makes us wait for the DVDs to be available at the library) so I can't really make an educated guess. Instead, I just follow my tried and true cheat sheet. Here are some tips you can follow while playing along at home:

1. The awards are given by the Hollywood Foreign Press - note FOREIGN - so of course they're going to favor anything foreign. When in doubt of who to pick for winners on your game card at home - always go for the foreigner.

Look at these winners from last night:

Daniel Day Lewis - Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama

Christopher Waltz - Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Damian Lewis - Best Actor in a Television Miniseries Drama - This one threw me for a minute. I am a huge "Homeland" fan and to me, Brody is an all-American hero who just can't open his mouth very wide. When Damian Lewis gave his acceptance speech he sounded like an extra from "Mary Poppins." I'd never heard his brogue before and I kept thinking he was putting it on and that his "Brody" voice would come back. I forgot to watch his mouth though and see if he opens it wider when he speaks normally. Anyone notice?

Maggie Smith - Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television - Ms. Smith (I would never deign to call her "Maggie") was up against some young, hot competition and she proved my second tip:

2. When you have old (saucy) dames in a category with young hotties, go for old dames (and it doesn't hurt if she's foreign too - double whammy). I haven't seen "Hitchcock" or "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" so I'm assuming Helen Mirren and Judi Dench weren't saucy enough. Sally Field and Meryl Streep aren't old dames - yet. That's why HFP went with Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway (plus, sometimes the odds makers are right).

3. Adele always wins. If Adele is in your category, you'd better just have a fake smile to plant on your face. Poor Taylor Swift needs to learn this lesson. Did you see her last night? Adele was giving her adorable speech about how she didn't expect to win and had just come to have a Moms' Night Out (yeah, MNO at the Golden Globes, can you imagine?) with her friend who is also a new mom. Adele said something like, "We're just mums who came for some fun!" At that moment the camera panned to Taylor Swift whose look said, "Fuck mums. I came to win." 

4. I don't know why they put comedy and musical together. It's the strangest pairing. Poor comedy rarely has a chance against a big sweeping musical and this year was no different. Les Mis took out every funny entry. I haven't seen this movie yet, but the previews make me cry so I'm positive I will love this one. I'm hoping to sneak out later this week during the school day so I can sit in a theater by myself and sing and sob all at the same time.

5. When picking the animation winner, always bet on Disney. Helllooooo . . . what is the first name you think of when you think animated movies? "Brave" was the only movie I saw in this category and I have to say I was disappointed in this one. How did I miss that three quarters of this movie was about a girl and a bear?? I never once saw a bear in the previews. I appreciated that she was a strong heroine who didn't need rescuing and instead spent her time working out her issues with her mom, but I thought this one was boring. Good thing the animation was beautiful so I had something to enjoy. Because "Brave" won this category and is considered the "best," I'm not sure I want to see any of the others now.

6. Ugly crying and uncomfortable nudity always win. This is why two of my favorite shows won quite a bit last night. "Homeland" (is there ever an episode where Carrie doesn't lose it?) and "Girls" (Lena Dunham is not afraid to let it all hang out and have awkward sex). I love Lena, but it was like a knife in my heart when she said that Tina and Amy got her through "middle school." WTF is that, Lena? Ouch, little girl. You don't call out the Colonel like that. Be warned, though, she will come back one day and win - when she is a saucy dame. Saucy dame beats uncomfortable nudity every time.

7. If Jodie Foster gets the Cecil B. DeMille Award then I am old. In case Lena Dunham didn't make me feel old enough, giving Jodie Foster a Lifetime Achievement Award did me in. Remember when they used to give those to old people? People who needed canes and walkers to get on stage? Jodie looked fantastic for 50 and I think she came out of the closet, but then she said she's been out for years. I missed the memo on that one. I think she also retired from acting. I couldn't follow. Maybe she was drunk? Her speech wasn't any stranger than Kevin Costner's. What was that all about? I think he might be suicidal. Someone should check on him today. All I know is if Jodie is happy, then I'm happy.

8. If the Oscars snubbed someone that Hollywood likes, the Golden Globes will make it right. Did you see how many times "Argo" won last night? That was the Golden Globes saying a big old F-you to the Oscars. But the Oscars just laughed and said, Please. We're the old dame, bitch.

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter on Oscar night!

28 comments:

  1. I agree. Except I though Amy Poehlers dress during the opening was a little to "shoulder paddy" to be so "plungy". But I'm not as expert.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jodie Foster is gay, y'all. In other shocking news: Chocolate is delicious and puppies are cute. I was proud of her and she does look fab for 50. But she needs to get that malignant growth, Mel Gibson removed from her ass. What is up with that friendship?? Don't get it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would rather be punched in the throat than watch any entertainment awards show.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I kept waiting for Lena to fall on her face. Why'd she wear shoes she can't walk in!

    I love Jodie Foster, but I have a feeling that perhaps she doesn't love me back.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I kinda felt like Lena was in a hurry to get that dress back to David's Bridal so she would walk normal again...gah.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I thought Amy and Tina did a tremendous job! I just feel like when it comes to movies, the Golden Globes are like the American Music Awards. Most of the movies who win a Golden Globe will probably not win "big" Oscars, except for maybe Les Mis....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for the blog shout out! In addition to Giuliana as a riverboat madam, I also thought my "Sienna Miller as the set of LaughIn" comment was hilarious! It was lovely "watching" with you & bring on the Oscars! Jennifer aka @jelbutle

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was so shocked Jodie Foster could possibly be old enough to win a lifetime achievement award that I almost didn't think her confessional was that confusing. In all seriousness, my wish for her is to not be lonely.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I can't believe you didn't give Tommy Lee Jones a punch for the Kristin Wiig and Will Farrell's hilarious routine for the actress category. They were so funny, everyone was laughing, and the camera pans over to him and he's sitting there all like 'I will cut you'. Dude, lighten up. It's what they do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG! I'm shocked she didn't mention this either! The look on his face was priceless! Kristin and Will were awesome.

      Delete
  10. You need to check out http://www.gofugyourself.com for the fashion commentary snark. It's pretty awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  11. is it wrong that I snickered out loud when you said someone should check on Kevin Costner today?
    Probably.....

    ReplyDelete
  12. Argo winning and winning made my heart swell 3x bigger last night. See you on Oscar night, my lady. I'll the in the wearing venetian blinds and feathers in my hair.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I had to watch Downton Abbey last night, so no GGs for me. But man, your riverboat madam line killed me! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I want to go with you to sit and sing and sob to Les Mis, Jen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sobbed through Les Mis, and then I wrote a winners and losers on it.
      http://seizetheabsurd.blogspot.com/2012/12/les-miserables-movie-review-symphony-of.html
      I hope you like it.

      Delete
  15. About number 5. Don't fall for it! Disney always wins but independently animated features are often far more interesting (both in terms of subject matter and artistically). For example, Sita Sings the Blues which you can watch online, http://www.sitasingstheblues.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. Damian Lewis surprised me, too. I guess I'm not as big of a fan as I thought, since I didn't know he's a Brit.

    I love Ben Affleck, and have to wonder what JLo was thinking while watching him receive his award. She must have been doing some comparing, and Casper couldn't have looked very good.

    Tina and Amy killed it, just like we knew they would. Funny women make my heart sing!
    -Amy

    ReplyDelete
  17. I tried to follow your live-tweet but had no idea what was going on, especially as I haven't watched most of the things that won.....

    Or know who half of them are. I just had to google if Daniel Day Lewis was British, and then realised it was Damian Lewis everyone was talking about.... (turns out they both are! Who knew?!)

    I'm a bad Brit.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I like your comment about Kevin Costner. I think you may be right - he did seem like he was about to go jump off a bridge.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I watched about 15 minutes of the show and was not on twitter (I have to sleep yo), but I did see Tina and Amy a little and Kristen Wig and Will - hilarious! Adele, so cute and funny! I thought that too about THAT being mums night out - must be rough. AND Kevin Costner - W-T-F? Indeed, check on him! I was all "oooohhhh kay". Your comment make me laugh!
    Devan

    ReplyDelete
  20. "Fuck Mums, I Came to Win" should totally be Taylor Swift's next song. I mean, she'll lose half her fan base as we all would stand by Adele's obvious awesomeness, but she does need to expand her repetoire away from serial dating.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I agree--it seems like the GGs are always saying, "In your face, Oscar, you know nothing!" And this year: "WE love Ben Affleck, even if you don't." The standing Os also seemed to underscore that point.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I didn't watch these cause I don't watch awards shows but your take on the awards are excellent. I might have to go back and watch this now!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I was disappointed that Brave won as well. Any of the other animated flicks would have been better. Thanks, Pixar. Check out my Globes take and a shout-out to you on my blog:

    belladventures.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yes, there is something very weird about Jodie Foster getting a lifetime achievement award! I feel like I was just watching Freaky Friday yesterday. You are right, too, about people needing to learn a good fake smile if they're in Adele's category. I'm kind of glad she beat Taylor. That girl needs to be humbled! (BTW, I didn't watch the Golden Globes. I missed it! Thanks for the update!)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Another reason many men suffer from premature ejaculation is because they suffer from weak PC muscles. The great news about this is that the muscle can be trained, and when trained properly, you will be able to last longer in bed.
    Stephanie Swift

    ReplyDelete