Last night I went out with the girls for some much needed girl time (this is different than alone time, Hubs).
My mother's group was getting together to talk about New Year's Resolutions. We went around the table where you hear the usual: lose weight, eat healthy, hang up my coat and then there was Joni. "Spice up my marriage. Rawwr." You might remember her from mom's night out at the gun range. Joni is always good for a laugh and it was especially funny to see her Facebook check in from the day before. We had all seen Joni check in to the local sex shop - right after school.
"I had to. It was the only time I had to get over there! Don't worry, hubby picked up the kids. I was alone," she said.
"Why did you go?" someone asked.
"My vibrator died."
"You mean the batteries wore out," I said.
"No. It died. Like just quit working," she explained.
"You're telling me that you blew the motor in your vibrator?" I asked.
"Well . . . yeah. I . . . we . . . it . . . gets used a lot. And like I said, one of my resolutions this year is to spice up my marriage so I thought I'd start at the sex shop!"
That started a whole new conversation!
It reminded me of my wedding. No I didn't go to the sex shop, but for a minute I thought my grandmother did.
The day after our wedding, the Hubs and I had a brunch with friends and family where we opened our gifts. We were working our way through the pile when a small box was handed to me with a card securely taped to the top. I opened the card and it was a lovely card about marriage and the adventures that lay ahead for us, etc., etc., it was from my grandparents. Inside was a check. I opened the gift and it was a Honeymoon Sex Kit complete with edible underwear, feathers, body glitter to lick off of each other, handcuffs and more.
Everyone sort of screamed when they saw it. My grandparents have a happy marriage and all, but this was ridiculous.
My mother and her sister started fretting that this was an indication that their mother was going senile.
"Maybe these were in a bin at Big Lots and she just saw 'Honeymoon Kit' and had no idea what she was grabbing," my aunt said.
"Oh God, what if she's giving these out at the bridal showers at her church?" my mother cried. "Jenni, you have to call her and ask her where she got this."
"I don't want to! She's your crazy mother. You call her!"
They handed me the phone and I called my grandma.
"Hello Jenni. Congratulations again on your wonderful marriage. I know you'll be so happy."
"Yeah, thanks, Grandma. Hey listen, we're opening presents and we just opened yours. Thank you."
"You're welcome. I hope you can use it." WTF??
"Uh . . . well. I was just wondering. If we wanted more . . . where we would go to get some more?"
"Yes. If we ran out. If we used it all."
"Well . . . I guess you'd go to Papa's wallet. That's where we keep the check book. But - "
"OH no! I'm not talking about the money!" Shit, my grandmother thought I was asking for more money!! "No, no, no. Thank you for the money, but I'm talking about the other . . . "
"The package . . . for us . . . on our honeymoon . . ."
"Jenni, I don't understand what you're talking about. You're being very strange. Papa and I gave you a card with a check in it and nothing else."
"CARL!!" my aunt cried.
Carl is their brother and he is a bit of a trickster. (If you've read my book you'll understand that I've come from a long line of smart asses.)
"Oh God, hang up!" my mom yelled.
"Jenni, what in the world is going on?" Now Grandma was getting pissed. She knew something was up, but she couldn't figure out what. "Did you get a gift from us? Tell me what is happening over there! What did you get that you think is from us?"
"Here! She's your mother. You tell her!" I threw the phone at my mom
While my mother hemmed and hawed and stammered her way through an explanation, my aunt called Uncle Carl on her cell phone.
Uncle Carl picked up his phone. "Heh. Heh. Heh," he chuckled. "Did you get our present?"
Uncle Carl's daughter had been in charge of the gift table and together they got us good.
Over the years the "Honeymoon Sex Kit" has reappeared as a wedding shower gift and a Christmas gift for various unsuspecting family members, but a few years ago it disappeared. Another cousin and his wife received it and it's never been seen since . . . they claim it's lost.
Picture: Eden's Fantasy
Picture: Eden's Fantasy