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The Best Wedding Present I Received


Last night I went out with the girls for some much needed girl time (this is different than alone time, Hubs).

My mother's group was getting together to talk about New Year's Resolutions. We went around the table where you hear the usual: lose weight, eat healthy, hang up my coat and then there was Joni. "Spice up my marriage. Rawwr." You might remember her from mom's night out at the gun range. Joni is always good for a laugh and it was especially funny to see her Facebook check in from the day before. We had all seen Joni check in to the local sex shop - right after school.

"I had to. It was the only time I had to get over there! Don't worry, hubby picked up the kids. I was alone," she said. 

"Why did you go?" someone asked.

"My vibrator died."

"You mean the batteries wore out," I said.

"No. It died. Like just quit working," she explained.

"You're telling me that you blew the motor in your vibrator?" I asked.

"Well . . . yeah. I . . . we . . . it . . . gets used a lot. And like I said, one of my resolutions this year is to spice up my marriage so I thought I'd start at the sex shop!" 

That started a whole new conversation!

It reminded me of my wedding. No I didn't go to the sex shop, but for a minute I thought my grandmother did.

The day after our wedding, the Hubs and I had a brunch with friends and family where we opened our gifts. We were working our way through the pile when a small box was handed to me with a card securely taped to the top. I opened the card and it was a lovely card about marriage and the adventures that lay ahead for us, etc., etc., it was from my grandparents. Inside was a check. I opened the gift and it was a Honeymoon Sex Kit complete with edible underwear, feathers, body glitter to lick off of each other, handcuffs and more.

What the hell, Grandma??
Picture: Eden's Fantasy
Everyone sort of screamed when they saw it. My grandparents have a happy marriage and all, but this was ridiculous. 

My mother and her sister started fretting that this was an indication that their mother was going senile. 

"Maybe these were in a bin at Big Lots and she just saw 'Honeymoon Kit' and had no idea what she was grabbing," my aunt said.

"Oh God, what if she's giving these out at the bridal showers at her church?" my mother cried. "Jenni, you have to call her and ask her where she got this."

"I don't want to! She's your crazy mother. You call her!"

"Do it!" 

They handed me the phone and I called my grandma.

"Hi Grandma."

"Hello Jenni. Congratulations again on your wonderful marriage. I know you'll be so happy."

"Yeah, thanks, Grandma. Hey listen, we're opening presents and we just opened yours. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I hope you can use it." WTF??

"Uh . . . well. I was just wondering. If we wanted more . . . where we would go to get some more?"

"More?"

"Yes. If we ran out. If we used it all."

"Well . . . I guess you'd go to Papa's wallet. That's where we keep the check book. But - "

"OH no! I'm not talking about the money!" Shit, my grandmother thought I was asking for more money!! "No, no, no. Thank you for the money, but I'm talking about the other . . . "

"The other?"

"The package . . . for us . . . on our honeymoon . . ."

"Jenni, I don't understand what you're talking about. You're being very strange. Papa and I gave you a card with a check in it and nothing else."

"CARL!!" my aunt cried.

Carl is their brother and he is a bit of a trickster. (If you've read my book you'll understand that I've come from a long line of smart asses.) 

"Oh God, hang up!" my mom yelled.

"Jenni, what in the world is going on?" Now Grandma was getting pissed. She knew something was up, but she couldn't figure out what. "Did you get a gift from us? Tell me what is happening over there! What did you get that you think is from us?"

"Here! She's your mother. You tell her!" I threw the phone at my mom 

While my mother hemmed and hawed and stammered her way through an explanation, my aunt called Uncle Carl on her cell phone.

Uncle Carl picked up his phone. "Heh. Heh. Heh," he chuckled. "Did you get our present?" 

Uncle Carl's daughter had been in charge of the gift table and together they got us good.

Over the years the "Honeymoon Sex Kit" has reappeared as a wedding shower gift and a Christmas gift for various unsuspecting family members, but a few years ago it disappeared. Another cousin and his wife received it and it's never been seen since . . . they claim it's lost.

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50 comments:

  1. Oh. My. God. Your poor grandma!! I do hope that eventually someone got Uncle Carl back for this.

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  2. That is hysterical! We have a set up pasties (boob tassles) in my family that gets passed around!

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  3. Oh my goodness!!! I love this!! It pales in comparison to the plaster huge nose that we pass around in our family!!!! Thanks for the giggles today!

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  4. Love it!

    On our wedding night, when I went to give my Grandma a kiss goodbye, she said, "OH! It's your first time!" and gave me a squeeze and a little giggle. Then, as she was saying good night to my husband, she held him tight and, voice quavering, said, "please take care of her".

    Glad we had her fooled...

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  5. I can't believe you passed it on! I would have taken full advantage of the gift! Then again I am a sex toy consultant and passion party planner so sex toys are nothing but super fun for me and my hubby. Kinda funny how things happened with grandma though! I actually gave my mom a vibrator for Christmas because I felt she was becoming senile. Figured it would help! FYI, she has been much more calm lately. ;)

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  6. I am totally going to do this at my cousin's wedding in May....

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  7. Let me preface this comment by reminding everyone we live in the middle of nowhere, Kansas.

    My parents, aunts, uncles, and their friends passed around a goat. Yes. A goat. It would show up in the back seat of the newlyweds' car on the wedding day and live in their back yard until the next wedding. I asked once what happened to the goat after the last wedding. Everyone just looked at each other with big eyes and no one had an answer for me. Hmmmm...

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  8. HA HA HA! I love it! Thanks for the laugh!

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  9. Fabulous. I'm getting married in June and I kind of would love to see the look on my dad's face if his name was attached to that gift or something similar! But I'd also be completely mortified, so...I'll just live vicariously through you and your blog, Jen! LOVE IT!

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  10. Funny---I'm going to BE the grandmother that gives that as a gift. Right now, it's just creepy. But soon, people will be inviting me to weddings the world over, because a pervy grandma is just funny.

    I hope.

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  11. I want a friend that has the balls to "check in" at the local sex shop!!!

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  12. I love it! In college, me and some of my friends gave a club sister handcuffs, whipped cream and a sex book for her wedding shower. When I was getting married, my supervisor gave me the Pop-Up Kama Sutra, along with all of the items she thought I would need if we used the book -- IcyHot, an Ace bandage and band-aids. My husband's boss, knowing his love of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and an episode that features Anya in a bunny suit, gave me bunny ears and a g-string with a cotton tail on it.

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  13. LMAO!!!! OMG! I love it! Way to go Uncle Carl!

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  14. hahhaha this was awesome!!!! Poor Grandma :( Hope you all explained it to her gently! and haha yea this was a good one! way to go Carl!

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  15. After my Meemaw met my soon to be husband, she kept going on and on about how hot he was. Then, 3 weeks later for my birthday, I receive a package in the mail from her. It is a white bra and thong set TRIMMED in FUR. Still wrapped in the Walmart bag with the tags on it.....

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  16. I wish my in-laws were more willing to accept a good joke because I would LOVE to do something like this!

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  17. That is hysterical!! I needed a good laugh. When my stepdaughter got married, her friend gave her a shower. It was a sex shower. The poor thing had me and her future mother - in - law. I couldn't even buy anything.

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  18. I have a friend who got kicked out of a sex shop because she brought her baby with her. She was buying a bachelorette party gift, and it never occurred to her that her infant would fall within the "under 18" guidelines.
    -Amy

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  19. For our wedding my new mother-in-law gave me a "secret bag" to open on our honeymoon. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to find steamy lingerie - drenched in HER favorite perfume. This is wrong on so many levels I haven't quite recovered yet. Needless to say, we kept it balled up in the trunk of the car until it could be washed - again...and again.

    Thanks for the laugh Jenn, I sure needed it today.

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    1. I couldn't do it. Even if I washed it 10 times, the fact that my mother-in-law gave me lingerie would creep me out.

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    2. So wrong I had to comment a month later. I can say no more.

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  20. Seriously, I have an Uncle Carl, but swear he doesn't have the sense of humor for something like that, but his brother John on the other hand, lol!! Your family cracks me up and thanks for sharing this!!

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  21. That's great! It reminds me of the Christmas presents my grandmother got Hubby and me the Christmas before we were married - anatomically correct his and hers toothbrushes. Take a minute, read it again and yes, that's what she gave us. SHE gave us. (She's also the grandmother who left me her light-up heels and light-up earrings when she passed.)

    I have more stories . . . ;-)

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  22. This sex kit has been passed around for years and then your cousin finally cracked it open. Hmm.. I wonder if edible underwear has an expiration date...

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  23. So I was at the DMV when I read this. And I was laughing out loud at the thought of a grandmother giving a sex kit as a wedding gift. I got a lot of strange looks. Because let's face it. No one is laughing at the DMV.

    I'm also feeling a little worried about the discount stores where you live if one if these kits could be found in the sale bin. Note to self: Do NOT visit the Big Lots if we ever visit Kansas.

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  24. Oh my gosh, this is too funny! My grandma was actually the one who bought me lingerie at my bridal shower. She was very conservative (what happens behind closed doors stays there), but she was also a big fan of a *happy* marriage. :D

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  25. This is hysterical! I can safely be assured that my grandparents/parent's-in-law aren't going to do this, but my friends? Can't trust 'em.

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  26. Go Uncle Carl! At my wedding reception my husband's grandmother, who I had never met before, gave me a special gift. It contained 20 dollars in quarters (to call my mother when things got rough...can you tell I've been married a while?), and a box that was labeled 'something you'll be getting a lot of'. I opened it: it was filled with manure. Yep, good ole horse manure. His grandparents were dying of laughter and I wish someone would have gotten a picture of my face, cause I'm pretty sure it was priceless.

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  27. So funny! I just started reading your book-love the commentary about the dog and cat lovers making cookies!

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  28. That is hilarious!

    Neither my grandma or uncle gave us a gift like that but my grandma did give us so pretty solid advice. As everyone stood in a circle around us giving us words of wisdom my grandma said "Never go to bed angry, but if you do make up before morning." The entire room burst out laughing and grandma's face turned several shades of red!

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  29. This is awesome! My focus is on Joni. I need her to replace a few of my facebook friends, please. Some of my people get uptight when I share an ecard with the word 'hell' or 'damn', I can not even think of sharing anything with 'fuck'....damnit. If a vibrator discussion showed up I think there would be some deaths among my facebook friends. So yeah, I need her!
    My MIL gave me lingerie, fairly conservitive - appropriate. It was not weird, like your thing. LOL! Devan

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  30. Wow! I thought my family was so wild and crazy--we pass around a figurine of the creepy king from the Burger King commercials! He turns up in the strangest places!

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  31. I want to hang out with Uncle Carl. That is priceless! Love it!

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  32. This made me laugh hysterically, I know people like Uncle Carl!

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  33. This made me RAWR! Hilarious. I love Joni.

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  34. Very Funny. Thank you for sharing.

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  35. Might be time to buy a new honeymoon kit to start passing back around! Maybe you can give it to grandma & grandpa on their wedding anniversary? Hehe.

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  36. That is hilarious and a great prank. I'll have to definitely remember that!!
    And go Joni!

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  37. I'm dying over here - that's SO wrong, and you'd better believe I'm doing that to someone the next chance I get.

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  38. Soo funny. I'm so giving that as a gift when I'm a grandma and no one will ever suspect me. hahahha

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  39. I want to party with Uncle Carl, I'm just saying.

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  40. That's hilarious. I once got pick underwear that said Playboy and had the playboy bunny logo on them from my grandma. For reals.

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  41. For a wedding gift? That beats a vacuum cleaner every day, all day long.

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