WTF Files: Random Sh*t on the Internet

I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been hanging around the blog much these last several months. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I have to. I've been super duper busy working on a new book. Only this one is taking me a little longer, because it's not a PIWTPITT book, it's my first fiction book. EEEEEK!!! I've been working on it for a long ass time, but it always got shoved to the bottom of my to-do list. I finally decided that this year was the year I'd move it to the top of the list and make it a priority. Even blogging can't get in the way.

BUT ... I couldn't help myself today. See, even though I haven't been blogging much, I'm still keeping up with all the shenanigans on Facebook. I have to have SOME fun distractions while I'm writing. Luckily, my friends on Facebook never fail me. They send me some of the weirdest, freakiest, funniest shit and I wanted to share it with you.

Tooth Monster Dolls - OK, this is probably the scariest thing I've seen in a long time. You know how when your kids lose their teeth and you collect them. What do you do with them? I have a Ziploc bag full of teeth hidden in my sock drawer. I have no idea what I'll do with them. I didn't want to throw them away because they were so sweet, etc., etc., but now I have a bag of teeth in my drawer. Like a serial killer or something. Well, don't worry, Pinterest has come to our rescue. Now you can make a Tooth Monster Doll and glue or sew the baby teeth into the mouth and your child can be too terrified to sleep at night because his new doll has a mouth of gleaming choppers poised to take off a finger or two. Also, what are those eyes made out of????

The Knitted Kid - So this Dutch mom wasn't getting enough hugs from her tween sons, so she knitted a creepy replacement. At first I was like, I get it. Now that Gomer's 11, he doesn't hug me much anymore unless he wants something or he's delaying bed time. But then I took a closer look. This isn't really a doll that you cuddle as a replacement for your child, because the kid still has to WEAR the knitted contraption. So now she's cuddling her son who is wearing a knitted costume to look like her son????? I don't get it. Is it art? She says it's funny. I think I'm a funny person, but I think something got lost in the translation from Dutch.

Herb Sachets to Stick Up My Hooha - When did I become the Vagina Whisperer? I swear, if there's a new vagina-related product out there, someone will alert me. So, I wasn't surprised when herb balls showed up on my wall. So these are little sachets of "ancient herbs" that are supposed to cleanse your vagina because your womb has been exposed to "emotional, physical, and spiritual pain." Oh for fucks sake. My vagina isn't still crying over the fact that she squeezed out two babies roughly the size of bowling balls. She's fine. She got over it long ago. Seriously, ladies, stop sticking shit up your lady cave! (I mean, except for the usual things that should be stuck up there, obviously.) Stop plumping it, steaming it, basting it, and detoxing it.

Target Will Let You Drink While You Shop - That's right, Target is putting a bar in. Maybe next to Starbucks?? I don't know. All I know is you can drink while you browse the aisles. At first I thought this sounded kind of spectacular, but now I'm a little worried. I already do a lot of damage on a normal trip to Target, but can you imagine how much I'll spend once I get a glass or two of wine in me? Also, I'll need to take a designated driver with me to Target now.

Man Braids - Ugh. Men, please stop playing with your hair. I know you're bored, but get a hobby or something. The man bun was awful and these are just silly. Unless you're a Viking, no man looks good in a braid. On the plus side, there will be a lot of daddies in the future who will have no excuse when their wives ask them to help out and braid their daughter's hair.

People Who Regret the Name They Chose for Their Babies - A bunch of parents are regretting the names they gave their babies and so they're changing them several months (or years) down the road. Look, if you named your kid Rocketdog, then yes, you should be regretting that choice, but David isn't a horrible name that needs to be changed immediately to Charles. Your child will survive. I can't believe that people are this indecisive. You had 9 months to choose a name. Sure, there's an occasional surprise like you chose Mary, but the baby ended up being a boy, but you still have several days to work it out. There's no reason to have sleepless nights because you don't think Amanda looks like an Amanda. She's a newborn! She looks like nothing yet. This is more of a first world problem than cleaning for my cleaning lady.

I love getting all of this crazy shit. Keep it coming!!

If you want to keep me entertained and send me more crazy shit, then you should follow and/or friend me. 

Need something else to read? Check out all of my books.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Those tooth monster dolls are really scary, as for me. My friend at bought such one. She said she couldn't even sleep in the same room with that doll.

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