Christian Bodybuilding Swingers Will Save You

If you've read my book, then you'll know that the Hubs and I had a brush with swingers. I didn't notice the white rock in the yard and even if I did, I didn't know what it meant. (Spoiler alert: swingers like to landscape with white rocks!)

My initial concern that day was that the swingers weren't exactly my type. This made me think that swinging isn't my bag, man. Maybe if they'd been really good looking I might have decided to stay. Who knows?

Ha! Who are we kidding? I barely have enough energy or desire to get busy with the Hubs and from what I can gather, swinging takes a ton of work and the hell I'm going to try and please a whole new group of people! Plus I'm a slow learner with a severe gag reflex.

I realized today that I just hadn't met the right kind of swinger. What I really needed is a Christian, bodybuilding swinger! That's right. I needed a third party in my swinging. (Or would that be a fourth party? No, I think a fourth party is an orgy rather than swinging. I think you can say that all participants in orgies are swingers, but not all swingers are open to orgies? Right? Maybe? I don't know. The swinging vs. orgy logic is making my head hurt.) Either way. Doesn't matter, because what I realized I was missing in my swinging was the Holy Spirit!

You see, when I'm trying to decide which couple to pick up at the local swinger's bar, I shouldn't focus so much on "Does she seem disease-free?" and "Is his hair a toupee? Because that will scare the hell out of me when it comes off during foreplay." Instead, I should be looking for some sort of heavenly aura surrounding the couple. I should look for a sign from God that the strange man I want six inches deep in me is a good Christian who will also be able to swing with me in Heaven someday.

Yup. That's right. There is a website devoted entirely to meeting Christian swingers. But wait. It gets better. Not only are they Christian swingers, they're Christian bodybuilding swingers. Because they need more in common than just Bible-reading and joining giblets. They need to be able to talk about power lifting too.

The founder of this organization is a guy named Dean Parave. Let me just stop here and say, of course it was a guy who came up with this divine idea. It's always a guy, isn't it? What is it with guys and sex? They're always looking for something better and they're always looking for a way to wrap up cheating with a bow. I'm sure there was never a a woman who said, "Hey, honey. I've been thinking. I think God wants us to swing. But only with hot, well-built people. We can spread the word of our Lord and STDs."

Surprise, surprise, when Dean had this revelation, it took a bit to convince his wife Christy that they should be banging for the Lord. He finally helped her realize that that God is a silent partner in this business of theirs. She said, "God put people on the Earth to breed and enjoy each other."

Well, when she puts it that way, how can I not join in? Especially if that means every God-fearing ass I tap will be hard as a rock. Thank you, Jesus!! (Said with praise hands.)

Have you read about when the Hubs and I met some swingers? It's all in my NEW BOOK! 

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Carri said...

Reading this on my phone. Kids near by are wondering why I'm laughing so hard the only sound coming out are desperate gasps for air.

markson said...

At different times nonetheless, these noteworthy others turn into an obstacle to lifting weights achievement. supplements close to steroids

BodyRxMiami said...

Well, its a different kind of adventure that you are really looking to get. I think whatever we do as long as we are not going to hurt others, it would still be worth it.

Yusni B (kitchen remodeler)

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