Don't Be an A-Hole at the Movies

With the holidays upon us a favorite family pastime is heading to the movies. I wanted to write this post as a friendly PSA: Please don't be an asshole at the movie theater.

During the holiday break, my friend Sheryl and her husband took their three kids to see a movie at the movie theater. (God bless her, BTW, because my kids have been begging me to take them and I was in no mood to fight the crowds.)

Anyway, she and the Hubby loaded up the kids and headed to the theater for what they thought would be a nice day together.

When they arrived at the theater, of course someone had to go to the bathroom. (No, not her husband.) They made a plan for her to take kids to the bathroom while her hubby reserved seats.

The theater was crowded and it got a bit chaotic and signals were crossed between Sheryl and her husband. Hubby thought she was taking all three kids to the bathroom and she thought he was taking the three-year-old with him to find some seats.

When they regrouped again, it was clear that no one had the youngest child. Sheryl started to hyperventilate. Hubby told her to calm down. He'd find the little guy and be right back. He told Sheryl to take a seat and wait with the other kids.

When Sheryl finally looked at the seats her husband had procured, she was surprised to see only two seats for five people. Looking around the theater she saw it was ridiculously crowded and the only empty seats were in the first row, which no one - including Sheryl - wanted. She didn't blame her husband, it seemed like it was the best he could do. Their kids are all under six years old and they've made do in the past with three or four seats between the five of them.

Next to one of her two seats, was an empty seat, but it had a coat and a purse in it - the universal sign for "Reserved."

Before Sheryl could think about that seat with the purse, her husband returned with her youngest child. He was right where Hubby thought he would be: leaving grubby hand and nose prints on the candy counter while making big sad eyes at anyone who looked like they might buy him some M&Ms.

"I'm glad you found him," Sheryl said, "but I wish you could have found at least one more seat. What are we going to do with three kids?"

"I don't know," he replied, "but as you can see there weren't any other options."

They settled into their two seats. Luckily their kids are itty bitty. Like pocket size. Really. They're tiny little kids. Little munchkins. They were able to sort of balance their three kids across the two of them.

It was getting close to show time and the purse was still on the chair next to them. Wow, thought Sheryl, that person is taking a long time getting popcorn or going to the bathroom. I hope she's OK.

Ahh Sheryl, always thinking that people are inherently good. She's never skeptical. She's always looking at the positive. If she didn't have two kids straddling her at the time, she probably would have offered to go see if the missing woman needed some help carrying popcorn.

That's when the woman sitting next to the purse said, "Wow, you only have two seats for five people?"

"Yes," Sheryl replied, shrugging. "It was the best my husband could do. This is a popular movie!"

"Well, there are lots of seats down front," the woman said.

"Yes, but those are too close," Sheryl replied. "I think these are better."

"Is she offering you her empty seat?" Hubby whispered to Sheryl.

"Huh?" Sheryl said.

"Her empty seat. The one next to you with the purse in it, 'cause I don't think she bought a ticket for that purse," Hubby said under his breath to Sheryl.

"What do you mean empty seat? That seat is reserved. See the purse and the coat? That means reserved. Someone's coming. I'm sure they're in the bathroom or something. In fact, maybe I should suggest that she go and check on her it's been a while ...." Sheryl said.

"That seat isn't being saved for anyone. It's being used as a coat rack," Hubby whispered. And then he said a little louder, "She needs to buy a ticket for that purse to sit there and I doubt she did."

"You know what? I heard him say that," purse lady said to Sheryl.

"Good, I was hoping you did," Hubby replied.

"Are you saving that seat for someone?" Sheryl asked.

"You're not saving that seat are you? It's for your purse," said Hubby.

"So what if I am?" the bag lady said, "I don't think I should have to hold my purse for an entire movie and the floor is disgusting!"

That's when Sheryl got pissed. Sheryl is the nicest lady until you push her too far. What the hell? she thought. This whole time I've been trying to juggle my kids and figure out where to put them while this selfish bitch had her damn purse and coat sitting on an empty chair that wasn't be reserved for anyone? It was all so she didn't have to hold her stupid purse in her lap?!

Sheryl had assumed that seat was being held for someone, because Sheryl is a decent person. She would have NEVER sat there and watched a family of five try to squeeze into two seats while her damn coat took up prime real estate. The nice day she had planned for her family was quickly becoming a pain in the ass thanks to the purse lady.

Sheryl turned to her and said, "Can you hear yourself? You don't think you should have to hold your purse on your lap, but I should have to hold three kids! We bought tickets for all of five of us and that should guarantee my children a seat before your stupid purse. Unless, of course, you bought a ticket for your purse. Did you buy a ticket for your purse? I have an idea, why don't you put your purse in the those empty seats in the front row?"

Who sits in a crowded movie theater and fights to keep her purse and coat in an empty seat? Only assholes. Purse lady didn't have a response, because she knew she was an asshole. How could she defend taking up a seat for her coat and purse while people struggled to find seats? She couldn't. So, she decided to change her attack and go for Sheryl's jugular. "Well," she hissed at Sheryl. "at least I don't lose my kids. I can keep track of mine."

Oh hell no! It was a good thing Sheryl had 80 pounds of kids sitting on top of her at that moment or she might have jumped that woman and ended up in jail and Youtube. I can see the Youtube description: "Cold Snap! Two moms make the popcorn fly at Frozen! Watch two middle-aged suburbanite women brawl over the last empty seat in the theater. What would Bambi's mom have done?"

"So you're telling me your kids have never gotten away from you?" Sheryl asked the bag lady.

"Of course not!"

"Oh, I seriously doubt that!" Sheryl replied.

"Never. I'm a good mother," said the purse lady.

"So am I," said Sheryl. "I brought my kids to the movie today for a nice day and I will not let you and your purse ruin it."

That's when Sheryl plopped her teeny tiny six year old down in the purse chair, forcing the woman to move her coat and purse.

Good for Sheryl. She managed to stick up for herself and get her kid a seat and not go to jail.

I would have ended up on Youtube.

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nikki said...

The older I get (45 in two weeks) the more I find people to be just plain outright butt fuck ugly assholes...

Unknown said...

So glad I found your blog....Laughing all morning

Kaitlyn said...

This is awesome!! I was at the movies 2 weeks ago to see Hunger Games where two teenagers in my row saved their seats with a sweatshirt so they could go get snacks. Some witch of a woman came storming into our road, with her two teen kids, took the sweatshirt, threw it on the floor and took over the seats! I couldn't believe it. The two girls came back for their seats to find them gone and the woman told them too bad. I was mortified, as a mother, that this happened. What made it worse, her two kids just kept their heads down and then she LEFT THE MOVIE!!

Kaitlyn said...

I should also mention, people on either sides of the seats informed her the seats were taken and she told them to mind their business

Unknown said...

I had a situation like this at Despicable Me 2. We bought our tickets online at Fandango and arrived 30 min before the movie to find the theater almost full. We needed three seats and all I could find was two seats in one row. I asked the people in the middle to scoot one way or another so my wife and daughter could sit together but they just ignored me. I got the manager and he asked the people to move but there reply was "We should have arrived earlier". The manager offered us a refund because he said the next showing was sold out. My wife responded by unleashing her fury and got us tickets for the next showing and popcorn.

Lyn N said...

I so would have done the same thing as your friend. I am so sick and tired of people who act as though they are entitled to everything and react like asses to everyone else. I have noticed that many people suffer from NoCS - no common sense. It has disappeared in most humans and is only becoming worse.

By the way, a good time to go the movie, at least from past experience, is on Christmas day. Not too many people, especially if the weather isn't all that great.

KayLynn said...

So she went to the AMC 30 ... I have had the purse war with probably the same lady.

Jonathan said...

Thank God for the theaters that let you pick out assigned seats when you buy your ticket! Now, maybe if they lined the walls of the auditoriums with lead, that might cut down on phone/tablet usage. :-P

~KellyJosephine~ said...

So glad to hear that your friend stuck up for herself, it's okay for people to stick up for the rights' of their purses, but it's fine time people actually stuck up for what's right and what manners are. Too many selfish jerks in this day & age and I've about had enough of it. Too many people need to learn a lesson in caring for others. I know we need to look out for ourselves too but how about love one another.

Sue said...

I was at Birds a couple of weeks ago and a man two rows in front of us kept texting. I leaned forward and asked him to turn off his phone. He looked straight at me and said he wasn't bothering anybody... Dick.

lovetoread600 said...

She was sooo rude, no doubt. But so was the Hubby. From the start they should have just asked the lady directly if the seat was being saved instead of acting like passive-aggressive jerks with their stage whisper. It wouldn't necessarily have changed the chain of events but you would have at least modeled much better problem-solving skills for your kids.

mikayla said...

My mom once had that problem. Sort of. She used to run a daycare and during the summer she would take the kids to a movie theater that had free showings of older movies. She had ten kids with her and when she arrived there the theater employees said that there were enough seats. They went into the theater and there were only five seats that were together and two seats next to it with coats on them. So my mom had the older kids hold the younger ones. About 30 minutes into the movie the lady next to the coats got up, grabbed her kid and the coats and left.

Sharon Greenthal said...

People can be such idiots, and movie theaters and airplanes seem to bring out the absolute worst in them.

Sara@iSass said...

So so so so AGREE with THIS!

Anonymous said...

I do believe I have found my favorite blog! I am always talking about punching people in the face and I am happy to know there is someone out there that shares my idea. :) People are assholes. Did you go Black Friday shopping? NO THANK YOU! :)

kaptnkarl said...

This is why I like the theaters that have reserved seating. I will gladly pay a little extra for the privilege of having my own seat. Plus when my wife and I go to the movies, we always try to go in the off hours or to the movies that have been out for a while.

Photobug60 said...

I agree too. (I'll be 53 in 25 days)

LA Botchar said...

Oh.. I.Can't.Even
yep. 911 dispatch to local movie theatre. guaranteed. especially after the "good mother" remark.

Erika said...

My husband and I went to a live theater performance and couldn't find two seats together that we're handicap accessible which we needed since he uses a wheelchair. An usher noticed two and we headed over. But one was occupied by a ... Rabbit! Yes, you read that correctly! We have a crazy lady in our town who takes her "therapy" rabbit everywhere. The seat had a towel and a frigging rabbit on it and she wouldn't move it back to its stroller. Yep, stroller! So hubby sat by the rabbit fuming and I sat in another section. Did she have a ticket for the rabbit? Don't know and don't really care. I've owned two pet rabbits and the only way they would lay on a towel on a theater seat for nearly two hours was if they were drugged! Crazy, rude, and cruel effing lady! And the theater...allowed it!

jo said...

i have decided that i fucking hate the fucking holiday season. everyone is a humongous fucking asshole/cunt and i'm ordering the rest of my presents online or only hitting the stores at 9am before the fucking shitheads get there. i am so glad i found a blog where is cursing is normal. i would have fucking gone off on the purse bitch and made her feel like the little piece of shit that she is.

Ginger said...

I am SO happy my kids are almost grown and don't really want to see the little kiddie movies anymore, where it sounds like they really pack 'em in. And really the Hunger Games or its sequel or any of the more popular movies don't appeal to my husband and me. We just went to see "Prisoners" and had no trouble getting good seats.

Agreed though that most people are cold, heartless, insensitive jerks and on top of it have no common sense anymore. It really is a dog-eat-dog world more and more!

Unknown said...

dude what a bitch. I would of picked her shit up, put it in her lap, and sat down.

Amy M. said...

That's horrible! Some peoples kids these days...seriously! You know her mother didn't raise her that way. After the 'I'm not going to hold it or put it on the dirty floor" comment, I would have probably said 'oh, then you don't mind if my kid sits with it' and one of the kids on the seat.

Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte said...

I always say, people's true selves come out on airplanes. I need to add movie theaters to that rule.

One Shameless Mama said...

My heart is RACING I am so pissed at purse-lady!!! In general I am a total wuss in person (i.e. not one to stand up for myself) but given my current state, pregnant, cranky, and wanting to take my 2yo daughter to see her first movie, so help me if I encounter a purse-lady of my own - there will surely be helltopay!

Unknown said...

I am really sweet by nature, but when it comes to my daughter, the apple of my eye, my miracle baby, the only one I can ever have in life?.....I will go BATSHIT CRAZY ON YOUR ASS in 2.5 seconds FLAT.Here's how that would have gone down if I had been In my calm sweet voice, I would have asked her to politely move her purse so that my daughter could sit down. When she refused, I would have told her in my "Mackenzie-you-are-about-to-get-a-pop" voice "Ma'am you have exactly one second to move your purse or I will move it for you." When that bitch would have refused for the last time, I would have calmly stood up, picked up her purse and FLUNG it all the way into the aisle. Then when her stupid ass is crawling all over people to get to the aisle to retrieve her seat hogging purse, I would have set the two largest kids in BOTH of her FORMER seats; snuggling the smallest one in my lap while leaning into my darling husband. And when she is indignantly staring at me FROM THE AISLE, I would say in my calm sweet voice: "You should have move your purse the first time that I asked, I hope you and your purse enjoy the movie from your new seats on the front row. *flips hair and turns to watch Frozen with my amazing family*

Lisa Wiertel said...

"Well," she hissed at Sheryl. "at least I don't lose my kids. I can keep track of mine."
Her next line was:
"One is in prison and the other currently is with their therapist coming to terms that they were raised by an a-hole for a mother"

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