Humble Brag Letter

The view from our beach house!
Dear Friends and Family,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

We hope you're enjoying our family photo. We decided to go with the 8x10 for everyone this year. We know a 3x5 would have sufficed, but we heard from so many of you last year how much you liked our picture and we wanted you to have something really special this year. It's printed on heirloom quality canvas and should really stand the test of time.

Our divine photographer who just takes the most amazing pictures of our family really topped himself this year. Suzette loves the work he does. He always captures us at “magic hour” (his fancy photography word, not ours). Don't we all look dreamy? We're actually going to take him with us to our new beach house for Spring Break so he can get some fabulous photos of us frolicking on the beach!

We can't even begin to talk about our Christmas pictures without mentioning the unbelievable talents of our new family stylist. She has gone through Suzette's closet and purged so many of her drab and boring clothes and replaced them with some stunning signature pieces. No more sweatshirts and jeans and Crocs for the kids either. She's found some really terrific staples for them. She styled the whole family for our shoot and Suzette thinks she's a genius the way she coordinated us and yet didn't make us matchy-matchy. She believes there is nothing worse than a family photo where everyone is in jeans and a white dress shirt and we couldn't agree more!

We are pleased to announce that our daughter Alycin has been named the best speller in Mrs. Jefferson's second grade class. She's also a Hall Monitor, a Lunchroom Helper, a Playground Scout, a Peer Counselor, and a Library Aide. She has so many leadership roles at school she barely has time for her classwork! She manages to maintain straight A's on her grade card even with all the demands on her time. If that wasn't enough, she has joined a competitive dance team that is really for fourth graders. It's actually a very funny story how Alycin got onto this team. We were at the dance studio to see a friend and Alycin started dancing in the parking lot. Nothing spectacular, just a little routine she'd made up herself. The coach saw her dancing and recruited her right then and there on the spot. She feels like Alycin is still a bit creaky since she has no previous dance experience, but she's confident she has a diamond in the rough!

Our fifth grader, Neel, has made quite a name for himself this year as a ladies' man. Our phone rings off the hook with young girls looking to chat. He assures us that he is “just friends” with all of them and that they're just calling because he is a really “good listener.” Whitman chuckles that he was a “good listener” in school too. Seriously, though we're so proud of him. Neel understands young girls and the pressures they face. These girls are lucky to have Neel's thoughtful and sensitive side to bounce ideas off of and his strong shoulder to cry on! When Neel isn't counseling the young ladies of his class, he is dominating robotics competitions. He has already built several 'bots (that's what all the 'bot builders call them) that we use around the house. We have an automated dog feeder that keeps Sparky happy and takes one more thing off of Neel's to-do list! Suzette just loves the remote controlled vacuum cleaner Neel made her. Nothing relaxes Whitman more after a long hard day at the office than to come home and be greeted by his robotic drink caddy.

Suzette joined two non-profit boards this year. She's the President of Gentle Wings, a non-profit organization that brings awareness to the mistreatment of butterflies. Every year thousands of butterflies are harmed by the wedding industry and zoos and Suzette is trying to bring these atrocities to light. Her second board is the Homeowner Association Board for our beach house. Currently, she's the only member as she's still trying to get the HOA off the ground. It's sorely needed and hopefully our new neighbors will join with us to help maintain our property values through assimilation. Our whole family was a bit dismayed the last time we visited and noticed that many of our neighbor's lawns were a bit long (at least 1/8 of an inch too long), several trash cans were left out more than 24 hours after the trash pick up, and there was even a motor home parked in one neighbor's driveway! What are people thinking? There are storage facilities for those atrocities. It's displays of neglect likes these that are ruining the housing market. We can't expect our beach house to increase in value when so many of our neighbors are dragging us down with their poor choices. Suzette is confident that once we spend the upcoming summer there, she'll be able to recruit more members for her board and really get some work done.

When Suzette has some free time, she still enjoys making her own jewelry out of upcycled juice cans and Goodwill t-shirts. The jewelry she crafts is stunning. She loves to give her jewelry as gifts and many recipients don't know if they should wear it or display it! She's had several inquiries from well known worldwide brands to license her jewelry to them, but she has no desire to partner. It's not about money with Suzette. It never has been. It's always about her passion for creating and reusing and recycling.

Whitman's dermatology practice has exploded this year. He has more patients than he knows what to do with! He is under intense pressure and tries to blow off steam whenever he can. This year he joined a golf club and a tennis club, he's taken up spear fishing, ultra long distance running, snow shoeing, and pottery. Suzette and the kids are so grateful for his hard work they don't begrudge him the 15 to 25 hours a week he spends on his hobbies – he deserves some alone time.

We wish you all a wonderful upcoming year! We miss all of you and please know you're always welcome to visit – we have some fabulous hotels in the vicinity that Suzette can put you in touch with!

Much love,

Suzette, Whitman, Neel, and Alycin and Sparky

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48 comments:

Amanda said...

What? No awards? No Noble Prizes? I'm disappointed. Suzette and Whitman have really let themselves go this year. No wonder we had to remove her from the Jr. League.

The Judge said...

Excuse me, the child's name is "Kneel". The K is silent. It's a family name.

Unknown said...

Now I know y ppl butcher entire families. It's because said family sent a letter like this.

SarahLynn said...

Alycin is probably a good speller because she had to learn to spell her own name.

woman said...

His dermatological office is "bursting"...Oh we've hit the MOTHER LOAD!

Denise said...

OMFG...this CANNOT be for real. Complete ass clowns. They must have hired somebody to write it b/c they are all referred to in the third person.

Denise said...

I'm perplexed as to why nobody else has joined the HOA. Suzette seems like somebody I'd love to work with.

Amanda's Ramblings said...

Wow!! This is a real letter included in a Christmas card? Like FOR REAL?

Wendy at Taking the Long Way Home said...

This is not real. Tell me it is not real. Who would send this? Must have voted for Romney.

Wendy at Taking the Long Way Home said...

Pimple popper MD!

Unknown said...

What, Suzette isn't leading power yoga classes while training for the NYC marathon this year? Goodness, she has let herself go.

Kelly and Sne said...

Suzette sounds like all of your nightmare personas in one: OA "earth" M.

fishducky said...

Let's see what I could put in my letter--"My family's been napping a lot..."

The Shiny Butter Blog said...

I love it! And I'm right there with you on the braggy Christmas letters. I wrote about them in a blog post- still one of my favorites:
http://shinybutter.com/christmas-letters/

Anonymous said...

I know that this letter is a joke, but why is it written in the third person? I have not been fortunate enough to receive anything like this during the holidays. My friends and family do not send these things. So, my question is, are these types of letters supposed to be written in the third person? Is it proper etiquette or something? For a second, I thought that it would be signed by a mistress of Whitman. That would have been awesome!

Amy said...

Guys...it is satire.

I suppose Suzette didn't want to include the secretary he is boinking when he says he's "at the club." :)

Unknown said...

I lost it at "Alycin".

Tazi Kat said...

I am LMAO over the "view" from the beach house! My Mommie works next door to a light house - great ocean view, but you do not want to be anywhere near the place when the foghorn goes off! Property values plummet on the threat of it!

Anonymous said...

Oh shit! You used Alycin! I knew there was a divine reason for why I spotted that stupid sports sticker!

Unknown said...

...and eating old Twinkies for supper because Mom busts her butt so much at work and doesn't feel like cooking.

woman said...

...we share one towel because I haven't done laundry in weeks, but our water bill is so low!

Unknown said...

hahaha! Awesome! I write a christmas letter every year... but mostly I make fun of us. I have a friend whose letter sounds a lot like this... down to potty training and 5 pictures (no 8x10s tho)

becky cannon said...

you all do realize that it's not written in 3rd person right? It's written from the dog's perspective. Sparky.

Unknown said...

Love! Just bought your book and reading it after the kids go to bed each night has been the highlight of my week! :D

bigdawgwife said...

I could include in my letter something like "The boys are great and still masturbating a lot!"

CSIJen said...

OMG - that was BRILLIANT. The "Gentle Wings" foundation was hilarious! I almost spit coffee all over my computer. BRAVO!

Carin said...

all of the children are still alive...

Carin said...

This sounds like my SIL wrote it.
Mine would be no one is in jail, no one is dead, DD has made it to 17 and she isn't knocked up
mmmmmm maybe I need to write one for my SIL ;)

Monniek said...

Glad the kids can spell since it's obvious the parents cannot. Neel and Alycin?? WTF!! I will gladly help you punch these pukefaces in the throat and any other body part! Bring them!

~Kim~ said...

Translation for the last sentence: We couldn't bear to have the likes of you lowly underachievers under our roof so Suzette will be happy to throw your ass in a Motel 6.

Anonymous said...

Pure gold. SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES!

Katie said...

Love. Love. LOVE this!!!! Alycin and Neel..... omg genious.

Renee Adams said...

Don't think you'll top this one!
It's quite thorough. It actually comes through the mail printed in full color on glossy paper. Some people get the full sixteen page version in the mail. Others get a condensed version with this link to the full version on-line.

http://web.presby.edu/~phmeeker/Christmas2012/newsletter.pdf

I can't imagine how long this takes to create. Enjoy!

Mo M said...

Holy hilarious. Was in the toddler gym this morning and there was a sign hanging up from last night's kiddo bday party: "Happy birthday, Neel!" Snorted some coffee out right then and there, and then kicked myself that I didn't have my phone with me so I could take and send you a pic. Was dying to etch in the silent "k" as suggested by another one of your readers...

RainbowChazer's Reviews said...

Lynne Truss (of Eats, Shoots and Leaves fame) has written a superb piece on her revenge letters for such vom-inducing stuff. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20810452 I had to get up and come downstairs before my laughing woke my husband up!

Anonymous said...

I know this is super late, but I had to share this. I have a "frenemy" from high school who sent out a postcard-style photo card on which was printed little bulleted lists of things each child had done, including the 2-year-old they just adopted from China this summer. Plus, a DVD of photos was included detailing the toddler's first five months in the country. I SOOOO wanted to write a note to her thanking her for the drink coaster. LOL!

Unknown said...

... and retain use of all original limbs ... except, sadly, for Sparky, who had an unfortunate run-in with the flywheel mechanism on Suzette's in-home Pilates Reformer machine during one of her twice-daily personal training sessions (Rolfe does not let her slack off at all!). It's OK, though, because Kneel and his best friend Millet have just completed a design for a bionic paw for Sparky, which they hope to demonstrate at this year's Westinghouse Science competition.

Erin said...

LMAO!!

ecodrew said...

S A R C A S M

ecodrew said...

I wanted to write a fake humble brag letter this year, but you have set the bar way too high with this one. I bow down to my new sarcasm mentor!

ercatalano said...

Hilarious. I thought my favorite line would be about Whitman and his robot drink caddy but then entered the butterflies.

Sarah Harm said...

How did the dog get away with a normal name?

jo said...

i love this--it sounds exactly like the fucking novel-length letter my cousin sends every year. and i love how you captured in Suzette how fucking insecure and psychotic those now stay-at-home moms who secretly aren't that into it and therefore need to prove to everyone how "on top of it" they are by being on every fucking committee and volunteering for every unnecessary position.

Annie said...

I'd guess not, due to the passion for recycling and community organizing.

Autumn Cabral said...

This is not a real letter. It is satire, written by the author of this blog.

arherber said...

YES!!! That was my favorite part!

SDJaye said...

Saw the length... no way! Thank goodness I've yet to receive one!
Happy Holidays!
Be sure to check out:
http://sadiesgathering.blogspot.com/2014/12/wanted-elf-that-doesnt-sit-on-shelf.html

abo-bder said...


عمال هدم و تكسير المبانى والبلاط بالرياض

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