I Lost My Elf on the Shelf

Well, I've reached a new low with my Elves on the Shelves. (Yes, I have two to move around now, remember? We added Elva the Elf to our house last year.)

This year it hasn't been so bad, because I've been using my handy dandy Underachiever Calendar to move my elves from one shelf to another and back again. Monday night, though, I got a wild hair. I had a little bit more pep in my step than usual and I got cray-zee with my elves. I put them in NEW places. See, normally I keep them together, but this time I split them up and tried some different shelves in my house. It was bananas. My kids could hardly find them the next morning. I was in the other room, but I could hear Adolpha exclaiming, "Oh look, Gomer! I've never seen an Elf there before. Have you?"

Then, Tuesday night I'm laying in bed all warm and snug and I thought about those stupid dolls. "Oh crap," I said to the Hubs. "I have to go and move the elves." I knew better than to ask him for any help. He would never move the elves. The Hubs is a Christmas hater. He hates putting up the tree, he hates spending money on gifts "no one wants or needs," he hates that the Christmas lights make his electric bill skyrocket, and he hates gorging himself on cookies and hot cocoa (I'm not going to argue with that one, because, more cookies and cocoa for me!) He's the Grinch personified, but we're stuck at the beginning of the movie and he never gets his heart to grow three sizes (or even one) before the Christmas season is over.

I got out of bed and put on my luxurious fleece muumuu to fight the chill and went to move the elves. I found Choppy Elfie right away. He was sitting on the counter smiling at me with his never changing soulless expression. "Where's Elva?" I asked him.

I looked around. She wasn't on the shelf above him. I couldn't see her, but it was if I could feel her beady little eyes on me. "Elva?" I whispered, half afraid she might answer.

I checked the top shelf, the bottom shelf, the Christmas tree, and the mantle, but she wasn't in any of my usual spots. Where did I put her?

I was starting to get cold and irritated.

Who the hell loses her elf?

Me. I do.

Can I do nothing right? Let's see, I can barely remember to move her and then when I do move her, I forget where I moved her to???? Wow, I'm pathetic.

I started to panic a little. If I didn't find her it would be a problem. The kids are on it this year. They remember everywhere the elves have been and they will know that Elva didn't move. I was getting colder and sleepier by the minute. I needed a plan. I started thinking up some good stories to tell the kids why Elva didn't move:

Elva fell asleep, so Choppy went alone to report to Santa.

Elva prefers that spot, because Choppy has been getting handsy when they share a shelf.

Elva hates you and wants to quit her job.

No, these lies wouldn't work. I decided I'd do one more look around the house for Elva and if I couldn't find her, I'd tell the kids that Santa fired her. That guy gets so much good press in my house, he should take the fall for something!

After five minutes of searching - sadly, that is not an exaggeration, it truly took me five minutes to locate that stupid doll - I found her. In the bathroom. I forgot I'd thrown her - I mean, placed her gently - on the back of the toilet. Once I saw her sitting there, I realized she needed a little reading material.

You would think this little escapade might have taught me a lesson, but no. Tonight I got adventurous again. I put both elves in the dining room hutch. I'm thinking the kids won't find them and that will give me at least one night off, because if you don't find them, they don't move, right?

We're on the last few days now, underachievers! We just have to remember to move our elves a few more nights. Hang in there! We can do it!

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madison said...

You know, you can now buy clothes for your elf or elves separately.

Maybee said...

I was thinking of creating Egg on the shelf for Easter. Shamrock on the shelf for St. Pat's,,,Flag on the shelf for Memorial day would even work for Flag day and Fourth of July..Remember STOP the INSANITY lady...I feel like her..

MamaRabia said...

So glad we only have one elf!! And I'm so glad I've mostly kept up with him this year. Although we did have a rocky start because I remembered to put him out after the kids were in the car to leave for Thanksgiving, but when we got home three days later he had fallen off the shelf!

Michelle Grewe said...

Did you see mine yet? I stuck it on your Facebook page.

snyder1329 said...

My son asked for a second elf this week and I said No! There is no way I could keep up with two! I wake up panicked every morning that I didn't move him the night before.

Unknown said...

still waiting for the,"elves got sick of life and killed themselves," post. Now that would be a fun thing to think up.

Ronda Parker said...

Oh my hell... There are not enough words to describe how glad I am that I happened upon your blog. You not only hilarious but you really are a breath of fresh air for a mom like me!! I choose to work full time, my husband and I do well financially, our little girl's wants and needs are more than met...and yet, it only takes one or two of those "I am SO amazing at doing everything and I'm the perfect mother, wife, PTA president and master of 'shelf elf' mischief" blog posts to make me feel totally inadequate. Then I see your blog and remember that I could probably be "that mom" but I would much rather share an evening walk to the park with the husband and little one for a picnic, some swinging and duck feeding. Even better, putting on comfy pjs, pouring a glass of wine and snuggling on the couch to watch an episode of Mia and Mao (her favorite show) before we tuck her in. I firmly believe that these women are downing adderall with vodka/redbull chasers during the day. How else could they possibly be coming up with new ways to out do each other using that silly elf in addition to every other perfect (annoying) thing they do?

Jenna said...

I think mine already did that. He ran off between last year and this year. I'm assuming suicide.

Unknown said...

How perfect! I am wearing my luxurious fleece muumuu (that I ordered from your Christmas list last year) as I read about Elva's adventures. Mine is white with multicolored stars. I wear it as I work from home. I am also enjoying that my child is 28 years old, and I have no need to exert any creativity to entertain her this time of year. I did send her a sweater that she left here last year with her Christmas stocking, and she thanked me for buying it for her. Apparently, one doesn't need sweaters in California.

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