It's a very pleasant, feel good, vanilla-flavored list with lots of cute little things like "teach your son to do laundry," "learn how to throw a football," "let him get dirty," and that sort of thing. I am not going to attack this woman or her list. (I learned my lesson last time I did that.) I think the list is fine - for her. It's just not my cup of tea.
Instead I decided to pay homage to her and make my own list. Here goes:
PIWTPITT (18 Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons
1. Teach him what a skank is so he'll never bring one home.
2. Don't let him be a Beavis or a Butthead.
"Heh, heh that girl is wearing a scarf for a top. Heh, heh. Let's go light some farts."
3. Everyone really liked the rule about teaching your son how to do laundry. Why stop at laundry? How about vacuuming, dusting and dishes too? He will thank you someday, because we all know there is nothing hotter than a man doing housework!
4. Teach him to use a tissue. Every time you pull up to a red light what do you see? A grown man digging for gold...i.e., boogers. Obviously, his mother never taught him to use a tissue. Disgusting.
5. Teach him to put the damn seat down on the toilet. Don't drop it with a bang. Gently put it down. (After he's taken a piece of TP and wiped his up his dribble.) Better yet, never teach him to stand to pee.
6. Teach him that relationships are important and he needs to be faithful and monogamous. Teach him that sometimes relationships suck and require work. They're not always "fun" and there are times it will seem easier to cut and run than stay and do some hard work. Teach him that he signed up for this and unless his partner is beating the shit out of him (physically and/or emotionally) he needs to stay and figure it out. Remind him too that when he was in high school you taught him what a skank was so that when he's pushing 50, fat and bald, he'll know the 20 something skank making eyes at him is only hoping he has a wallet as fat as his belly and he should go home now to his loving wife.
7. Teach him to scratch and/or adjust his balls in private - and NEVER with a fork.
9. Give him a baby name book and help him make a list starting now. Little girls everywhere are doing it and maybe it if we start our sons now we can avoid disaster names like Pilot Inspektor and Blue.
10. Teach him to dance was on the original list. I'm good with that one, but I'm taking it a step further. Why not let him dance in a pink tutu? If he wants to wear a tutu and carry a sword let him. WTFC? Either he'll grow out of it or he'll never struggle with his identity.
11. Give him a box of Legos and take away the "instructions." Let him build whatever he can come up with. Let him get creative and crazy. Encourage him to use every Lego piece he has so you won't step on another one again in your bare feet.
12. Teach your son to NEVER rub one out in public. He needs to keep his visits to his "wonderland" in his own bedroom.
13. Teach your son to never snap a girl's bra strap. For one, it's rude and disrespectful to the girls and for another, in this day and age it can be called sexual harassment and your son could be expelled or worse.
14. Teach your son it's OK to cry, but only if he's really hurt. Right now my 7 year old is so "in touch" with his sensitive side it's all I can do not to call him "cry baby." The boy cried today because he lost a Beyblades match! I really need to see blood if I'm going to see tears or I fear for his future.
16. Teach your son another word for his partner other than "Baby." I find it nauseating and revolting that there is an entire generation out there that call one another "Baby." And it's not jut the word. It's the way they say it: "Baaaybeeee." (Put a little whine in it.) Let's just stop this madness now. I would even take "Snookums" right now that's how sick I am of "Baby."
17. Teach him about good pizza. When he's in New York City and wants a slice of pizza, Papa John's is not the place to go. NYC is the capital of delicious pizza! Yes, most of the pizzerias are racist too, but at least their pizza tastes better if it has to be served up with a side of bigotry. (I'm actually more offended that this woman ate Papa John's pizza in NYC than I am by the fact that she was called "Lady Chinky Eyes" that tells you a little something about me and my love for NYC pizza.)
18. Don't ever let him be the "Bachelor" or on any other dumb reality show. Those guys are always douche canoes.
Don't miss my "Rules for Daughters" list.
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