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Rules for Raising a Boy - 18 (Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

There is a list making its way around Facebook about 25 Rules for Mothers of Sons.  Have you seen it?

It's a very pleasant, feel good, vanilla-flavored list with lots of cute little things like "teach your son to do laundry," "learn how to throw a football," "let him get dirty," and that sort of thing.  I am not going to attack this woman or her list.  (I learned my lesson last time I did that.)  I think the list is fine - for her.  It's just not my cup of tea.

Instead I decided to pay homage to her and make my own list.  Here goes:


PIWTPITT (18 Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

1.  Teach him what a skank is so he'll never bring one home.


If my son brings this girl home, he'd better be paying his own bills - and she'd better be 25 posing like that.

2.  Don't let him be a Beavis or a Butthead.


"Heh, heh that girl is wearing a scarf for a top.  Heh, heh.  Let's go light some farts."

3.  Everyone really liked the rule about teaching your son how to do laundry.  Why stop at laundry?  How about vacuuming, dusting and dishes too?  He will thank you someday, because we all know there is nothing hotter than a man doing housework!


4.  Teach him to use a tissue.  Every time you pull up to a red light what do you see?  A grown man digging for gold...i.e., boogers.  Obviously, his mother never taught him to use a tissue.  Disgusting.


5.  Teach him to put the damn seat down on the toilet.  Don't drop it with a bang.  Gently put it down.  (After he's taken a piece of TP and wiped his up his dribble.)  Better yet, never teach him to stand to pee.

6.  Teach him that relationships are important and he needs to be faithful and monogamous.  Teach him that sometimes relationships suck and require work.  They're not always "fun" and there are times it will seem easier to cut and run than stay and do some hard work.  Teach him that he signed up for this and unless his partner is beating the shit out of him (physically and/or emotionally) he needs to stay and figure it out.  Remind him too that when he was in high school you taught him what a skank was so that when he's pushing 50, fat and bald, he'll know the 20 something skank making eyes at him is only hoping he has a wallet as fat as his belly and he should go home now to his loving wife.

7.  Teach him to scratch and/or adjust his balls in private - and NEVER with a fork.


8.  Let him play video games.  This will help him get out his aggression without actually killing anyone.  Plus, it teaches him good hand/eye coordination for someday when he's "My son, the surgeon."

9.  Give him a baby name book and help him make a list starting now.  Little girls everywhere are doing it and maybe it if we start our sons now we can avoid disaster names like Pilot Inspektor and Blue.

10.  Teach him to dance was on the original list.  I'm good with that one, but I'm taking it a step further.  Why not let him dance in a pink tutu?  If he wants to wear a tutu and carry a sword let him.  WTFC?  Either he'll grow out of it or he'll never struggle with his identity.


11.  Give him a box of Legos and take away the "instructions."  Let him build whatever he can come up with.  Let him get creative and crazy.  Encourage him to use every Lego piece he has so you won't step on another one again in your bare feet.


12.  Teach your son to NEVER rub one out in public.  He needs to keep his visits to his "wonderland" in his own bedroom.

13. Teach your son to never snap a girl's bra strap.  For one, it's rude and disrespectful to the girls and for another, in this day and age it can be called sexual harassment and your son could be expelled or worse.

14.  Teach your son it's OK to cry, but only if he's really hurt.  Right now my 7 year old is so "in touch" with his sensitive side it's all I can do not to call him "cry baby."  The boy cried today because he lost a Beyblades match!  I really need to see blood if I'm going to see tears or I fear for his future.


15.  Teach your son to be funny.  Even if he's a dork, the funniest one is always king of the dorks.  There's nothing sexier than a man with a sense of humor.  How else can you explain why these guys are heart throbs?





16.  Teach your son another word for his partner other than "Baby."  I find it nauseating and revolting that there is an entire generation out there that call one another "Baby."  And it's not jut the word.  It's the way they say it:  "Baaaybeeee."  (Put a little whine in it.)  Let's just stop this madness now.  I would even take "Snookums" right now that's how sick I am of "Baby."

17.  Teach him about good pizza.  When he's in New York City and wants a slice of pizza, Papa John's is not the place to go.  NYC is the capital of delicious pizza!  Yes, most of the pizzerias are racist too, but at least their pizza tastes better if it has to be served up with a side of bigotry.  (I'm actually more offended that this woman ate Papa John's pizza in NYC than I am by the fact that she was called "Lady Chinky Eyes" that tells you a little something about me and my love for NYC pizza.)

18.  Don't ever let him be the "Bachelor" or on any other dumb reality show.  Those guys are always douche canoes.

Don't miss my "Rules for Daughters" list.

If you like what you read, please follow me on Facebook orTwitter!

200 comments:

  1. douche canoe? hahahahahahahha, hilarious - PLEASE tell me the story behind the addition of "canoe" to "douche" (which by the way is *my* personal favorite word to call someone who is, well, behaving like a douche)

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    Replies
    1. lol i love saying douche canoe... i learned it from some friends in minnnesota :)

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  2. this is the perfect list... i might add a few of mine to my own list, but definitely a much better list :)

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  3. I blame the whole babeeeeeeey thing on Justin Beiber. My number 19 would be "Never, ever be like Justin Beiber"

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous14:07

      Led Zepelin really pushed the baby out.

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  4. Ha ha my son too with Beyblades! If I step on another one.....

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  5. "douche canoes" pure genius!

    i'm "meh" on "baby". i think "shorty" is waaayyyy worse!

    i'm gonna let the TV raise my sons. so much easier...

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  6. Frickin' love it! I have two of these little monsters so thank you.

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  7. Jill07:56

    The skank was given national tv coverage on the Today show this morning. Cue Larry Flynt.
    This is an awesome list...thanks!

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    Replies
    1. The skank lives in my little home town, Durango, CO. It has sickened me and all I can think is that our sons will be seeing her in Penthouse and not the runway. The worst person in this story though, is her mother. What kind of mother would want her young daughter parading around like this for filthy dirty pedophiles? I want to sit this girl down and tell her what the real world is and that she is only creating a horrible image for herself. This is not about freedom of expression for her, it's about showing her body off and getting attention.

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    2. Blame the fashion industry Too have you seen the cloths they sell for girls not? All tiny shorts tiny tops and skin tight pants even in sizes 3T it makes me sick seeing these little prepubescent girls walking around with shorts up to their vaginas.

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  8. Jenb08:08

    As the mother of four boys, I have to say I agree with every one of your rules! It's how I raise my sons, especially the blood and tears rule!

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  9. 19. Teach him what a douchebag is and how to avoid being one (although if you have taught him the previous 18, he should be in the clear).
    20. Teach him how to cook.
    21. Teach him how to write a love letter, not some gross text or email.
    22. Teach him that NO ONE want to see a pic of his penis. No one but a skank (see 1).
    23. Teach him it's better to be smart than anything else. The douchebags will end up working for him.
    24. Teach him that humility is sexy.
    Just to get you closer to 25.

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    Replies
    1. Your number 21 is fabulous!

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    2. Great list! I would suggest a #25: Teach him that if his future wife earns more than he does, his penis will still stay attached.

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    3. I love these! My husband is a stay at home dad and we have two boys: 12 and 15. They see him (and help him) cook, clean, do laundry and shop. I do some of that too, but hubs does the majority. And they see that their dad is not emasculated by this...

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    4. Also teach him guns are for hunting and defending his home from invadors, not for eliminating the guy who stole his girlfriend...a good old fashioned fist fight comes before blowin his head off and she was probably a skank any way.

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    5. Great lists!! I love your 22 so true!!

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  10. Amanda Jo08:17

    OMG... I laughed so hard. It is too late for my nephew.... he is 8 and already drools over skank bait. His father is proud his mother is disgusted!
    I loved #8 "My son, the surgeon." Although I am on the fence about video games. It can go the way you said OR it could turn him into one of those guys who are so involved with video games the only girls they can get are animated!

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  11. LOVE THIS! I have 3 daughters (and a blog but I am not going to try and get a free plug on your comment section) so I might need to make a list as well. I see all the cute little girly lists...but let's be real, if they don't get knocked up until after college, you have done your job.

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    Replies
    1. That is an awesome rule! I think #25 for sure. "don't get knocked up until after college". It imply they have to go and will be over 21 by the time babies are coming!

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  12. Suzanne08:43

    In this house the mantra is Nerds rule the world. Plus they can fix your hard drive. bazinga! Excellent list.

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    Replies
    1. Bazinga! Love it!! Sheldon!!

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    2. Yup. Here it's Nerds will inherit the earth.

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    3. My sons call me "Nerd" with great affection and respect...they are 14 and 18...

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  13. So true, so true. My brother calls his girlfriend his baby girl. Sends shivers down my spine! HATE it!!! And I think my son would win the crybaby award. He cried last night because he misses me when he goes to bed.

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  14. FANTASTIC LIST THAT I AM GOING TO TWEET AT @ViralMarketMom and LIKE at FB just as soon as I finish this comment.

    I am a friend from the Alexa hop. I am following you here and at your Google+. I look forward to our keeping in touch; Hop on over to my blog to comment and follow through my GFC. I have links to my Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Google + listed on my blog. We can connect there, too. Want to do Alexa reviews for one another? Just let me know :) Hugs & Blessings.

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  15. Anonymous09:28

    The best list for girls was the one Tina Fey wrote. Look it up if you haven't read it, it's great!

    I would also add a rule #19; don't use 'gay' or 'fag' as an insult. I don't want to get too heavy, but my 3rd grader was just introduced to using these words as an insult this year. We have gay people in our family, and I had to explain what people really mean when they use those words (gay=weak or funny), and how insulting it is.

    If you don't want to raise a 'douce canoe', start now! Teach your kids that words really can hurt. Don't wait until high school, it's too late then.

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  16. Anonymous09:33

    Douche-canoe? Have I found a fellow DWILer?

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  17. Never teach him to stand up to pee... that's awesome! I hear the lid drop so many times, yet I can't (so far) get him to stop it. Loved the "my son, the surgeon" too, since I let my boys play video games. :-) Great list!! (I liked the additions by another commenter as well.)

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    1. I disagree with #6. Relationships are hard, but shouldn't be that hard. Honesty is absolutely required, but better to find the right one than to feel obligated to stay with the wrong one just because the you were intimate.

      As for monogamy - it's not for everyone in every circumstance. As long as honesty and respect are there, their relationship is their business and they get to make up the rules.

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    2. I have invested in "soft-close" toilet seats... no more toilet seat BANG after the deed is done.

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    3. we have a "slow close" toilet seat! you can try t drop it but it will just go down slowly with no bang! I love it! especially since hubs is the king of noise, its one noise I don't have to hear ever again :)

      also, I feel like only a man would have that kind of outlook. I think if youre going to cheat, end the relationship. It'll hurt the other person but not as much as cheating will. Also, call me old fashioned, but I believe a relationship is two people. None of this bi-curious, threesome, swinger shit. either you're gay or youre not. but a relationship shouldonly be two people. you add others, things get messy, feelings get hurt, and meat cleavers get thrown. Honesty and respect are a must, and for that, respect your partner and be committed to them and them alone.

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  18. I love these all plus the new ones in the comments. You could get to 25 yet!

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  19. Christi10:03

    I second Anonymous' comment: teach him that "gay" is not a synonym for lame, stupid, etc. Because someday he may discover that his best friend, his favorite cousin, or he himself is homosexual, and then where will he be?

    Love this list, especially 15. I knew my husband was the right one when he laughed at the same things I did.

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  20. jen Too10:18

    #1 #6 and #8... sing it sista!

    #10 and #11... PERFECT!!!!!!

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Anonymous10:35

    Video Game Master = Neuroendoscopist

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  23. Love Love Love it!! I have three boys and agree with every single one of these. 16 is awesome! My Brother-in-law calls his wife "baby" and "lover" All. The. Time. Seriously?! Get another pet name already!! I want to vomit every time I hear it. Douche canoes...LMAO!!

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    Replies
    1. Right there with "Boo"
      I was ready to go on a rampage until people stopped that dumb ass pet name.
      I'd puke at the Lover pet name too

      Delete
  24. Anonymous10:38

    teach him that romance does not usually involve football, beer, or pizza.

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  25. I just reread the original post, and quite honestly, the 25 she writes should be for any kid, not just boys. Kinda pisses me off that she wouldn't want her girls to know all this too. Sorry, just the feminista coming out. Yours is more for boys. Hers is more universal. Get it right,lady.

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  26. ..but... My name is Blue!

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    Replies
    1. Lol! I like your name...I've liked "Blue" for a name ever since Ethel Barrett told the story of a woman named Blue...

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  27. Anonymous10:49

    Love it. Even if I'm guilty of "baby" but I try to throw a "hun" or "sweetie" in there as often as possible :)

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  28. I love this!!! I read the other one and felt it was way too mushy for me. And your number one is dead on. I always tell my friends(who have daughters that I love) that I will be telling my sons that all girls lie(mostly I will tell them this so they don't believe any girl that claims she's on the pill) and that no skanks are allowed in my house. You can't bring a skank home because you will not have a home if you are dumb enough to date a skank. This is why moms who have girls should make their number one rule- don't dress your daughter like a skank.

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    1. LOL.....I literally told my 13yo this the other day. "No, you cannot wear that. You'll look like a skank."

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    2. I have often said I will be telling my son the same thing about girls lying. Even if they SAY they are on the pill, don't believe them, wear a damn condom ALWAYS!!!!! That will be one of my rules once my little guy inevitably becomes a horny teenager...still got a few years til that stage though, thankfully!

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  29. I like your list much better. I've got a six month old boy, and I'm already worried about the skank thing. Thankfully my boy has a smart father that intends to teach him the difference between Ladies (like his momma) and whores (like the girl in the scarf top who is all angry that her school won't let her use the slutty picture). And btw, Douche canoe = my new favorite douche phrase (right along with douche cock).

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  30. I love this! I am a mom on boys and boy can I relate. I have to agree with the pet name "baby." We do not use that in our house it just doesn't fit us. It's more like "jack ass" and "beeotch." lol

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  31. Anonymous14:18

    Your list make little sense. Teach that it is only okay to cry when hurt, but let him wear a pink tutu? I call BS on that. One instance being seen in a pink tutu past age 7 and he will be labeled. Do do that to your son. And quit spreading the fallacy that men doing chores around the house is porn for women or arousing. That is crap and you know it. Appreciated? Yes. Expected? yes. But it's not like you are gonna drop and blow him in the kitchen if you catch him doing the dishes. And teachinga boy that he should sit down to pee is counterintuitive, won't stick and will only get him made fun of.

    Other than that, your list is good.

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    Replies
    1. If my man was doing the dishes and I didn't have to ask him... I just might drop down! It really is that appreciated. I might be alone on this, Idk.
      The pink tutu? Have you not seen the man making money for his wife to battle cancer wearing the tutu? Guy is famous and loved by all women everywhere. Is he manly? Yup. If was gay and doing for his sister.. cool with me!
      Sitting down to pee? Idk. I have only girls. When I had a man living with us the rule was everyone puts the lid down. No one was singled out.

      Delete
    2. My sons sit when they pee. I taught them to do that because it's better for their prostrate health. And it allows the muscle to relax and void their bladder completely. Their father sits too. And NObody would ever accuse these big huge manly men's men of being girly. Even behind their backs, just in case it ever got back to them.

      Delete
  32. I wish you were my next door neighbor.

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  33. Just read the post above mine, the one from "anonymous"; I think she is my neighbor....see what I mean.

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    Replies
    1. aimee14:07

      Lmao...i'm pretty sure the anonymous one was a guy, more specifically a douche canoe

      Delete
  34. I have one boy (5yrs) and good lord if I could get him to put down the seat (well, lift it up first), not pee on the ring (or clean it up after), flush the damn toilet and wash his hands, I woudl feel VICTORIOUS!!!! I might not even care if he slams it....
    And OMG if my son ever brings home a woman that looks like that I think I would go crazy!

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  35. Sherry15:54

    Love it, love it, love it!!!! Keep 'em coming!

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  36. Why are there so many damn skanks now days? It's like Hugh Hefner's wet dreams have come to life. Strange. I think I may go make a list for my son and daughter now.

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  37. My son came home from school one day and told me he got this class he just hated call Family Development and could I get him out of it. I asked him what it was about and what he had learned so far. He told me it was about taking care of babies and he had learned that he didn't want one. I figured he learned enough and got him out.

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  38. As a mom of 2 boys I found this list histerical...and very helpful!

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  39. Anonymous20:02

    I have 3 boys, and as some of the things one your list, and hers are good I have to say I am waiting for some country singer to write a list. So we can have a few more.
    1. Love the Lord
    2.Obey your father and mother
    you get the point.

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  40. I like that you said he should dance in a pink tutu!

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  41. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be douchebags...

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    Replies
    1. Bahahahaha! Love this!

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    2. Bahahahaha! Love this!

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  42. Love it! Fantastic! And ALL true!!!!!

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  43. FYI The girl in the pic in #1 is a high school senior whose parents are trying to force the school to use that as her senior portrait! Skank would be an understatement. But I LOVE THIS! Its funny because its all true.

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  44. Anonymous20:25

    Love, Love, Love, Love...need I say more?!!

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  45. I was chuckling reading these comments as well! Chick - you funny lady! Also, totally agree with boys sitting down to pee.. when you're at someone's house! if it's a public restroom with a urinal please use that instead of the disease infested toilet. :)

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  46. Anonymous20:34

    LOVE your LIST and your BLOG! So happy I found you by accident last month when I was looking for ways to pose our new ELF on the Shelf! Glad you write what most of us only dare to think...or whisper to our best friends!!

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  47. Ryanne20:47

    As a mother about to be moving into potty training a boy... I'm considering #5 as a true possibility because with my husband's skills- there is no hope. Plus, I can save time skipping the whole Cheerios suggestion people give.

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    Replies
    1. I am potty training 2 boys right now and I teach them to sit down. When they learn to clean the toilet then they can stand up. I have never understood why men stand to pee. There is nothing sexy about having to clean up after a man! I dare my MIL to give me advice on my kids because I'm still trying to teach hers!

      Delete
  48. Already did #5. Poor guy didn't even know standing was an OPTION until he got to school. Still doesn't think it's an option at home. Woohoo!

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  49. I'm teaching my 9 year old that if he makes me a grandmother before I'm 55, I'll punch him in the throat.

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  50. Btw, I'm also voting for #22&23. Esp 22.

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  51. Fabulous list!!! Add Boo Boo to the list of names he can't call his girl... also make sure he knows not to call his 2nd girl but the same nick-name he called the 1st girl :)....it's very bad taste!

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  52. Anonymous22:27

    Love it. Except for #1. I want my boys to respect women so while I do talk about the kind of person I think they should look for, they won't ever hear me call any girl a skank, slut, tramp, etc. I'd likely punch them in the throat if I heard them describe a girl or woman that way.

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  53. Anyana22:34

    My son is almost 5, good words of advice and I'm proud of myself for realizing that I have already been in the process of teaching some of these! I think # 25 should be teach him some COMMON SENSE!!!!

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  54. Anonymous23:12

    As a parent of two boys i say..... If you, as a parent, needed someone to make you a list your kids are in trouble. The ither list, that i read, was genuine and from the heart.

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  55. Uhhh...dont forget ....
    Teach him...being wrong sometimes is a good thing.....and a given

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  56. Becky Grant00:48

    Teach him to NEVER hit a woman. Never hit anything smaller than yourself.

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  57. "douche canoes" roflmao

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  58. Anonymous07:47

    LMAO at #14. Same thing with my 7yr old son....Crying over lost or broken Bayblades and LEGOS! I've heard this is their "PMS" stage. ;o)

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  59. We recently began using the word "douchecanoe" because another friend of mine says it all the time... you are only the second person I've heard use it.. I LOVE when tha happens... I use "asshat" quite a bit, and when I hear it used else where I crack up.

    Love this list, even though I have a daughter.

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  60. GoodyThree09:02

    My husband sits when he pees, unless, of course, he is away from home. I thought this was the most brilliant life lesson his mother could have ever bestowed upon him. I, too, have yet to teach my own son (now 5) to stand while peeing. It is truly barbaric to stand and leave pee stains everywhere: on the floor, on the cabinet, on the side of the tub. Please. Just. Sit.

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    Replies
    1. When my sons were potty training, I taught them to sit to pee. It only makes sense!!!!!! Of course, once they are out in the real world.......they think they are oddballs. I don't get it. Who wants to stand to take a leak???? :))

      Delete
    2. Anonymous12:59

      People who don't want to sit on others' pee, idiot.

      Delete
  61. My oldest son is 8 and when we found out we were having a little girl he wanted to name her Rose :) just out of the blue, he said it was a beautiful name. We are going with Millie after family and he said "That's ok...I'll name my daughter Rose." I said that would be beautiful :) My sweet boy

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  62. Anonymous09:51

    Sorry but just had to ask what kind of lady uses words like "douche canoe" and "douche Cock"? These are the girls I tell my son to stay away from

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    Replies
    1. I don't care about cussing. I care about character. I've known people who cussed a blue streak who were the most true and solid people in the world. Conversely I've known some who wouldn't say shit if they had a mouthful who were hateful backstabbers trying to maintain an image.

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  63. Again, with the "anonymous"! I guess it is a good thing that PIWTPITT is not on the market.

    The reality is girls, based on actual interactions with boys, carefully crafted words such as “douche canoe” and “douche cock” to accurately reflect a few individuals. Not all of them.

    Ironically, words such as “skank” and my personal favorite “sperm ashtray” were carefully crafted based on actual interactions that boys had with girls to accurately reflect a few individuals. Not all of them

    Interactions that occurred with boys, possibly just like your son, and girls who behave differently when their mothers and fathers are not watching and their peers are cheering them on?

    Sadly enough, in the case of #1, her parents make up a large portion of this particular young lady’s cheering section. Go team.

    I’m just sayin’, it could happen…and it does.

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  64. I'm the anonymous who posted a few above about not using words like skank. Sorry for going by anon, I was on my phone and it was easier. That was the only post I made.

    I believe words like that that are harmful, and choose not to use them or teach them to my sons. It doesn't matter if they fit ot not. I guarantee you though that more often than not, they don't. I don't care how well brought up a girl is, how "good" she is, at some point in her life someone (probably a man) will call her a name like slut, skank, whore, bitch, cunt, tramp, hooker, or what have you.

    It won't be one of my sons though, not if I can help it.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!!! I wasn't where I could respond but I appreciate you saying this!

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  65. Ha! This list is dynamite! I have a 12-year-old and this is parenting-book quality info... including the douche canoe!

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  66. As a mom to two boys (7 and 3), this is great. Especially the crying. I think due to the age gap, my 7 yr old is crying to get attention lately. I can definitely fetter out the fake cry, and it's so hard not to just tell him to shut up and get over it! After all....he's only 7.....and he's a sensitive soft hearted kid. But please! He's going to get his ass kicked if he acts like that at school.

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  67. Brilliant. As a mom of two young boys, I will adhere to this list. I'm just waiting on your list of things to teach my daughters. I know it will also be a masterpiece. Thanks for your wisdom and humor.

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  68. Anonymous14:07

    Not sure if this was mentioned, but the "Skank" probably dresses like that because her parents let her dress like a "Hootchie" when she was little! (As per earlier post on blog)

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  69. Anonymous14:52

    I just found your blog yesterday and was telling some girlfriends about it last night at our weekly girl's night- in talking about this post i mentioned the first item on the list, and this led to another conversation about "did you hear about the girl sueing her high school because they wouldn't allow her slutty photo in the yearbook?" and so on and so forth, and when i sent them the link to your site today my friend writes back and says- check it out, number one is the girl i was talking about!

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  70. I dont have a little boy but in the event I do. I will make sure to follow these rules. I love them. I am from new York and you are right about the Pizza! Nothing better. i live in California now and there is a pizza place that comes close but it will never be the same.

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  71. Thank you!! #19 Teach him to never drape himself around a girl in public.

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  72. Bookmarking this page for when I have children ;) SO great.

    xoNS

    www.athoughtinthemindof.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  73. Susan Forbes19:11

    Love this! Please make a list for girls too!

    ReplyDelete
  74. Anonymous19:36

    In other words, teach your boy to be a girl.

    I see boy/man hating is still
    the thing to do.

    Let boys be boys and girls be girls,
    How about girls learning to leave the seat up?

    ReplyDelete
  75. Anonymous19:58

    Well, if your jealous isn't obvious in your violent words I don't know what is.. you are acting as thou they are being to over cautious of their child, all while defending your love for yours? My favorite part is when speak of parent with "normal" birth as if that's something they stole from you. People are given different obstacles in life, don't bash others for not going through the same as you.. as far as them being "divas", well I just see it as parents protecting and celebrating the birth of a child. Do u have any idea what its like to have people follow u day in day out? I mean shit celebs can't get married, go to the grocery store, or even be seen in public with out being hounded... Excuse them for wishing to have privacy on the most important day of their life. It's not jayz and beyonce's fault that the hospital was to stupid to make sure they had a protected area that wouldn't effect the other parents... Honestly, it it was a planned birth the hospital should have made the proper arrangements for them. You are passing judgement on a couple for protecting their child stating they weren't allowing others to protect their own.. I mean honestly I think its BS... I believe that we, as fans, are the reason celebs have to take drastic measures in times like these, and then u judge them for doing it? Get real!

    ReplyDelete
  76. http://m.globalgrind.com/entertainment/beyonce-birth-lennox-hill-statement-blue-ivy-natural-birth-c-section

    If any of you take 5 minutes to really think about this story, you will realize that it is RIDICULOUS and makes no sense... The clientele at Lenox Hill wouldn't stand for this.... Nor would any hospital administrator with even HALF a brain. $1.3 million??? Not enough money to make up for the lawsuits and bad publicity. The only ppl who have reported on this are from TMZ "sources". Not one person who was there has openly said anything... And trust, that hospital serves a very rich part of the city, where people have more than enough means to stand up for themselves... This does not pass the smell test... You guys are alllllllllllll getting worked up and attacking this new mother over a MADE UP STORY. you should give it some thought!!!

    ReplyDelete
  77. When you make the girl list be sure to include the crying thing. I have a 3 yr old daughter and babysit a nearly 4 yr old girl and the crying over silly things is driving me up a wall. The older one cried at dinner one night because she wanted more milk! At this point if there's no blood, or at the very least a red mark, the crying child is sent to time-out until the crying stops!

    Also, in giving your list further consideration, I think most of them could apply to girls, with a few modification. I.E. if my daughter wants to chop her hair and wear boy-type clothes, more power to her!

    ReplyDelete
  78. Love all of these...you had me at #1.
    To add a few I have learned...
    Teach him to clean up after himself. his future wife will thank you.
    Let him decide if he needs a jacket...he will figure out you were right when he is freezing his ass off.
    Take him shooting...he will learn its harder than it looks, to respect a weapon so he doesn't become a statistic, and that only stupid gangbangers who want to miss shoot the gun sideways. Also, if he tells his friends his mom took him shooting, they will never ever mess with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I <3 your comment about wearing a jacket. SO over that neverending battle. Fine, don't wear one...but don't come crying to me when you don't feel good. Suck it up man, suck it up!

      I'm thinking your house wouldn't be targeted for teen boredom break-ins if they know you're packing & have good aim either! :)

      Delete
  79. I love you. I posted on facebook about that first girl. who was using that as her HIGH SCHOOL senior picture. mom, get a backbone. I love your list. I have 15 and 12 year old boys. amen

    ReplyDelete
  80. My son is also 7. I agree with the crying thing. I'm raising a MAN. I told my son that there are 2 types of people in the world that cry. So now if he ever cries, I say to him, "Blake, who in this world cries?" and he says, "Babies and little girls"...I ask him which one he is...and he stops and says "neither"....lol...that's my boy!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous12:43

      Your son is going to grow up to be a closed off emotionless robot who will never find a stable woman. The only women who will want to be with a man like what you're raising are broken ones who need to be disciplined.

      Delete
    2. LOL there are no stable women! Teach your son's to understand the truly vicious women are the ones that want to change him into their fantasy Oh and the helicopter moms that really wanted a girl

      Delete
  81. Douche canoe is pretty much the best insult ever created.

    ReplyDelete
  82. This is great! #16 annoys me too- esp. when I'm watching The Amazing Race and everyone is calling their significant other baby!

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  83. I agree, except for the # about relationships. Just sticking them out if someone isn't abusive seems a low bar to set. It's true that they should be taught that cutting and running as soon as it gets hard is pathetic, but they should also evaluate things honestly and logically, and if it's a crappy relationship then they should end it properly. Other than that, I love the list!

    ReplyDelete
  84. As a mother of three boys, this was a great read. If you're welcoming suggestions, one of my top three would be teach your son to wipe his ass. The "dark mark" should be left to Lord Voldemort and his followers, and not a scare tactic his future wife should experience when reaching into a cold dark hamper. Love the blog...keep it going!

    ReplyDelete
  85. I like the whole list and also laughed at the pizza thing. Of course u go to a small unique to nyc pizzeria instead of a papa johns! U can get papa johns anywhere... Nyc pizza only in nyc!

    ReplyDelete
  86. I agree with the pet name thing. My husband calls me Putz, and I call him Punk. My mom calls my dad Shithead and my dad calls her his "little hiefer" (which my mom loves, because it means she's small and cute and she doesn't have a saggy udder like a cow). Sometimes (often) my dad will tease my mom and be a general pill until she calls him by his nickname, to which he responds "All I wanted was a little recognition!"

    ReplyDelete
  87. This is just disgusting. Your post about rules for mothers with daughters is all about empowering the girl and supporting her to shine while this list about sons speaks of boys as if they are not even human. I am the mother of a beautiful teen son and my son is raised with love, raised to love and care about himself and others, raised to respect himself and others and I empower him in every way. He does not meet any of your stereotypical, abhorrent descriptions above. Parents, if you want to know how to raise both sons and daughters who thrive, feel good about themselves and treat themselves and others with compassion, please feel free to contact me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laurie –

      The world is not black and white, it is many shades of grey…. and sometimes red and blue. I respect your feelings but also wonder why you are so attacking.

      I want my children to “thrive, feel good about themselves and treat themselves and other with compassion” and I think this blog is great. It is a tongue in cheek riff that unexpectedly compel parents to step back and re-evaluate relationships with their children, husbands and families. Parents with many styles (or none) are able to see how others manage. Maybe they are inspired to do something differently, or have a newfound confidence to continue as they are. Either way, it is all good!

      My initial reaction to your post was to jokingly suggest that “I think you are looking for Mayim Bialik’s blog, which can be found here: http://www.mayimbialik.net/writing.html”. But, I didn’t think you would find that funny. Then, I realized that even though I have strong opinions about Mayim’s methods, she has my utmost respect for following her heart and raising her children to the best of her abilities. In fact, I think she and I could be friends because I believe that we would not judge each other for our points of view. After all, we both want the same thing, respect for our children, our beliefs and ourselves. Granted, the adult discussions on the ride home from play date may be interesting but I would hope it would not come close to the judgment reflected in your post.

      I think it is fair to say that as a foundation, we all want to be loved, respected and treated with dignity, even when sometimes we may not display those actions to others. We also want these things for our children but because we all have a varied experience of what that means, methods used may look different than yours. To be honest, I, personally would not value feedback that does not allow room for imperfection. Parenting is hard enough as it is.

      What I have learned about kids, Girl or Boy?
      1) They are who they are and never alike
      2) No matter what path you lay down, some will take it, some will not. No matter how hard you kick and scream
      3) Individual talents need to be celebrated, especially the ones that parents don’t understand or care for
      4) They are going to make mistakes, BIG ONES. They won’t need me making them feel worse about it, as long as they learned something from it. God, please let them have learned SOMETHING!
      5) Raising girls is different from raising boys and vice versa. Never, ever compare the experience unless you have one of each. PERIOD.
      6) Most importantly, it’s not, nor will it ever be, about you

      For me, this blog is NOT about being a perfect parent; it is about knowing and feeling that you are not alone.

      If this offends you, then may I suggest that you no longer read it? I don’t think you are able to appreciate the intention behind the words.

      Delete
    2. Laurie, Amen to your post. I have read both the sons and daughters posting and I find it disturbing of the change in tone when it came to boys. As a father of three children, 2 girls and a boy, I find the rules for boys disgusting. A trend I see in the past few years on how males in our society are viewed. This is reflected in this post's sharp contrast to the rules for girls.

      Delete
  88. Love this! I live # 14 also. I tell people there is so much crying in my house with my 2 boys (7 & 3) that any given day, you would think I have 2 under the age of a year and a half. Ugh!

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  89. mmmm ... how about teaching him to get a surgical transplantation and change into a woman ? I liked your " tips for parents with daughters " better. I hate this one. Just tips to make them sissies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not even mildly homophobic and massively misses the point.

      Delete
    2. Tip #19 for boys:

      Teach him that the word "sissy" is only used by douche canoes.

      Delete
    3. @Suutzi - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thanks, I needed that.

      Delete
  90. Love most of this but...

    #5: " Better yet, never teach him to stand to pee."

    WHAAAATTT?! That's more than crossing the line... that's just plain bizarre. You want your little boy to be using the stalls and have a nice sit down for a tinkle? ... c'mon...

    ReplyDelete
  91. Jen,
    You do have a son, right? I have a boy and a girl and while I admired and posted your list for girls. This list for boys is insulting. It reflects a view of boys as simpletons. You encourage strength, self respect and confidence for girls while you emphasize not "rubbing one out", not "standing to pee" and not "picking boogers" for boys. This list just reflects a low opinion for boys. You had the potential to come up with something much better especially for your son's sake.

    ReplyDelete
  92. I read both the Boy and Girl lists and I cannot for the life of me figure out the outrage over the Boy's list. There was humor, encouragement, and sharp insight in both lists. I also saw criticism being directed to bad behavior by girls in the Girls List. No gender war here, as far as I can tell. Just common sense advice for how to keep your kid from becoming a skank or a douche canoe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some of these comments make me wonder how many people skipped the intro and just read the list. It is supposed to be a satirical response based on another ("serious") list floating around the internet. Just so happens that the girl's list came after and was not inspired by such a list, which is possibly why it has a different flavor.

      I wish readers would step back and not take each item so personally. There are exceptions to everything and if your situation is different it is not an attack on your decision nor do you have to explain your choice. It’s called satire People, where is your sense of humor?

      Up until now, I thought the title of the blog was in jest, not anymore. I need to punch something.

      Delete
    2. I respect your defense of the blogger but where does it say it's 'satirical'.

      Right, it does not.

      While reading, many of the points are very, very funny. But some are not intended to be (#12 & #13 for example).

      So, feel free to punch yourself at any time.

      Delete
    3. Ninth paragraph down.

      http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/p/who-is-jen.html

      Written by the blogger under the heading “Who is Jen?” :
      “Also, this blog is a JOKE. It's meant to be funny and satirical. You don't have to take me seriously, because I don't take myself seriously.”

      My statement is not in defense of this particular blogger. Your particular comment would offend no matter whose blog they were written on, especially since they are based solely on your daughter’s homework.

      I usually want to know more about a blogger before following them, so I read their bios. That way I have a better understanding as to the content and the manner in which it is written. May I suggest you consider this an option?

      I’ll hold your arms, I am sure we can find someone else to land the actual punch.

      Delete
    4. Ooops, I caught a typo! I guess I'll punch myself.

      Delete
    5. I have no problems with typos. Making fun of a someone who has a typo is liking making fun of someone who stutters. It's WHAT they say not HOW they say it.

      My post was my own view on telling girls not to overuse 'I' in their writing because, frankly, many do. And it's not an 'opinion', but a fact it is a no-no in writing. Using the blogger's own post reinforced my point.

      It's no different than warning girls about 'vocal frying'.

      If you took it the wrong way...well, then you took it the wrong way. Not my problem.

      Delete
    6. My problem? Absolutely! Although, I am guessing it was not your intention to come across as a know-it-all; as written, that is how it appeared to ME. Like you, I wrote my impression of your choice of words.

      In my humble opinion, your point regarding the use of "I" is valid, not as obvious to me in this particular post, but valid. For me, using the blogger's post as your example appeared arrogant and took away from the goal of your post. I would surmise that another example would have given your comment a different flavor.

      And, with that I bid you good night.

      Delete
  93. I would add, teach him girls are people also. Not magical (as in they don't fart or sweat), nor are they playthings. Never ever think that you, the boy, know what they, the girls, want without asking.

    ReplyDelete
  94. EVERYONE leave both toilet seats down at all times. Problem solved. Geez.

    ReplyDelete
  95. I love this list and I think it's fairly progressive, especially with the tutue and crying points. I would like to add that if you're going to let your boys play video games, please make sure that they're not promoting inhumane violence (ie: killing prostitutes) or using women only as props or commodities as this could teach boys that women are for using and not actual people. That worries me. The same goes for the "skank" comment--in a perfect world, a woman would not be judged based on what she's wearing. Men need to be taught just as much as women that clothing does not define a person. Judging people based on their choices in wardrobe leads to an ingrained rape culture state of mind in our society and when that happens the other lessons could be rendered null and void when it comes to respect for all people.

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  96. I'll assume you are a grown woman and being so I think that although your advice may be sound putting a teens photo up here and calling her a skank is completely uncalled for. She is a kid and figuring it all out also. Knowing myself that she is still a kid as we speak just says nothing for you as a person. That's like picking on the six year old who has problems reading. Kids are kids they all need to find their own way, and just because someone has a glam revealing picture does NOT make them a skank. Children learn the most by example and if you are teaching your son to judge someone by looks 'good for you.....'. Hopefully no one will follow that nonsense

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  97. I'd add 'Get your son a dog' to the list. Teach them responsibility as well as loyalty. Let them see life from a puppy's eyes and maybe they won't be so hell bent to get the newest PS3 game or whine about how bored they are after 3 hours of killing zombies. Plus, years of cleaning up someone else's crap prepares them for the real world relationships.

    ReplyDelete
  98. First of NYC is not the capital of pizza. Most of your list is ok, but there is nothing wrong with a sensitive guy and when I was younger the ladies ate it up. Maybe not so much now but there is nothing wrong with it. Whining is a different matter.

    Another thing a woman should not be teaching boy how to be a man unless it comes to women. Of course a woman is going to know best how to raise their son to be a gentlemen because a guy never knows what a woman truly wants as all was different.

    When I was younger I would open car doors, take them out for romantic dinners, and all the things I thought would impress. More women today do not appreciate this.

    ReplyDelete
  99. I am taking all this to heart! What a gem of a list, thanks!!!

    ReplyDelete
  100. Ny pizza blows, grease on a napkin. Chicago pizza forever

    ReplyDelete
  101. I just had a boy in October. My husband and I discuss things we want to teach him all the time. As I was reading your list I kept calling my husband to the computer to show him i'm not the only woman who thinks these are valuable life lessons. My sisters also have boys so this list will be going directly to them as well.

    ReplyDelete
  102. We have enough of those common sense rules like love thy neighbor. We get it. We need more everyday rules like yours. I'm a single mom to a 8 year old boy. I think it's my job in life to mold him into a wonderful man who any good woman would be happy to spend the rest of her life with. I teach him that it's ok to paint your toenails, better than ugly yellow things that never get trimmed. And to not hog all the covers in the bed. And we've had a rule in my house, unless you clean the bathroom, you always pee sitting down. He thinks it's less pressure on him to get it right (aiming) and I've told him if he's at school or his dad's he can pee standing up. I don't clean that bathroom. He also sprays after he's done doing #2. Simple things, it's a start.

    ReplyDelete
  103. I'm usually a fan, even though from time to time you say things I don't personally agree with and think you could probably stand to check your privilege. However, this post is too much. From slut-shaming to gender stereotyping to racism, you've really got the bingo here. I don't think I'll be following anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  104. I let my 16 year old son read this and he said to post this:
    "My name is Alex and I totally agree! Thanks for the advice and for the laugh!"

    ReplyDelete
  105. Jen, Just a question: Does your husband really sit when he pees? Just had the craziest mental picture. Brain bleach needed ASAP! lol

    Love the list, already had a couple of friends with boys read it.

    ReplyDelete
  106. I taught my son that if he ever was going to have sex he must never do so without a condom. However, I also taught him that sex was best in the context of a relationship and it was best to avoid peer pressure when it came to rushing into sexual encounters. He has had the sense to put his scholastic pursuits first, which makes him far more sensible than I was at his age.
    We should teach our sons that real men are kind, both to other people and to animals. Only fight if it can't be avoided. Being a bully is neither cool or manly.
    Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to teach the lads that the ladies (or other guys, if he's gay) love a man who can cook!

    ReplyDelete
  107. Your list is great. But as a father with 3 boys and a guy with 2 brothers, I would like to suggest a couple of things. 1. I can understand why boys sitting down to pee would seem like a good idea. If you go this route, please make sure they don't brag about it to other guys. I once watched a guy in a bar tell his friend that he always sat down to pee. You could have heard a pin drop. In the world of men, it is taboo.
    2. When my 2 year old used to hit my 4 year old, my oldest boy would run crying to his mother. I had to put a stop to that. I didn't teach him that it was O.K. to fight. But I did teach him that as the older brother, it is his responsibility to control the situation. It's a pretty big job for a 4 year old. He has standing orders to take his brother to the floor and sit on him whenever he is hit. Any idiot can fight. If a man is going to do well in this world he must learn to control the situation, and keep his cool.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Damn this list sucks. This list is exactly why kids need fathers, too.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Couple of things, and your list in general has some valid points, but as a stay-at-home dad, couple of points I'd like to critique/shoot a cannon at.

    As much as I hate to parrot Zac, #6 is so wildy biased, it's a tragically feminist point of view. While yes, fidelity and monogamy are two highly valued principles in my own life, there are women (lots of women I might add) that have a lesser view of them than most men. Call it a homewrecker complex if you want... the point is #6 should read something closer to "Learn to respect and honor women, but know when the proper time is to put your own interests first. Do not commit to something unless you are absolutely, positively able to follow through on that commitment, and if you have a fear of commitment in general, man up and get over your phobia."

    @ #5... never teach him to stand up to pee? Ok, lets have him sit in the urine the last guy left all over the toilet seat... further, unless you have a Prince Albert, you *never* say this in a group of men. You'll be ostracized faster than you can blink. Massive, massive taboo.

    Also, Doesn't #16 run completely contrary to what you're preaching in #6? You're asking for a guy to be completely honest & affectionate, but you're knocking his choice of pet names? At least the guy feels comfortable enough in his relationship to assign a pet name to his partner.

    #3... I mean really? Housework is important, but again, this isn't just a male virtue, as I know lots of women (my wife included) who are just plain bad at cleaning. It's called being a slob.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Anonymous03:35

    Haha I'm with Zac. A lot of things on here are exactly why kids need fathers. Never teach him to stand up to pee? Yeah, you lost me at 5, I couldn't take anything else seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous12:55

      Amen to that.

      Delete
  111. For having such a popular blog, you seem to whine a lot, although considering the name of your blog, I could not expect less.

    Some hilarious material and some other stuff which is just plain silly.

    All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Anonymous10:00

    I'll preface this with saying I though most of the "rules" were fairly amusing. I'm a single mother raising three sons aged 10-14, and I'm doing it without any male role models in the picture, so I'm always looking for tips. That being said:

    I'm disgusted by your number 1 rule. With all the young girls out there committing suicide because they're being called sluts, whores, skanks, etc, how can you post something so irresponsible? In this day and age, slut-shaming is reprehensible and is a seriously degrading way to live your life. Teaching our sons to look at the way a woman dresses in order to judge whether or not she'd be a good life partner is sexist, misogynist, and vile.

    I hope you don't actually have sons, because they're likely to grow up abusive rapists.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. REALLY?! I hope you didn't come to this website to look for parenting tips. With that being said, I hope you never have a daughter. You're probably one of those moms that lets their daughter dress like a skank. Hell you might be one of those mom's that dresses like a skank and that's why you are so offensive.

      Delete
    2. Good. You teach your kids to hang out with the "Everyone-look-at-me attention whores" and leave my son the girls who can carry themselves with a shred of dignity and self-respect...

      Delete
    3. Heather17:47

      I love Dave Chappelle's quote on this subject: “Just because you dress [provocatively] does not make you a whore — but you are wearing a whore’s uniform.”
      And hopefully you teach your sons to stay away from the oh so sweet, innocent girls in that kind of uniform!

      Delete
  113. Anonymous Apr 2: God bless you for being a single mom. Seriously, I do NOT know how you do it. I have 3 girls *and* a husband and I'm barely hanging in there.

    I have to respectfully disagree with your vitriol and HUGE leap from "teach your son to identify skanks and stay away from them" to "sixis, misogynist, abusive rapist." It is not Jen's fault that society puts certain labels on how people dress - she is simply using those labels in helping her son choose wisely. I would certainly never allow my girls to dress like the woman shown in Rule #1 (who I *think* is Christina Agulira? and if so, she is the poster child for using sex to sell her music).
    I just read another blog today about teaching girls to respect themselves enough to not show body parts to attract a man, because the kind of man she attracts will be the kind that is attracted to body parts. Yes, a bit of a circular argument, but a good point. Same can be said in reverse: don't go looking for a girl who shows it off - look deeper.
    I think you missed the point Jen was trying to make.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That picture is of an actual seventeen year old girl who submitted that photo for her high school yearbook. And not only did her mother OK it, she tried to sue the school to force its publication.

      Delete
  114. yoyoscrape11:03

    Wow - or teach your kids to not be judgmental asshats. Skanks. Wow. Maybe *you* should grow up and not take your own negative self-image baggage out on your offspring? I don't think you'll have any luck teaching anyone how to be funny (or a decent writer) and it's kinda sad to see so many "adults" take so much delight in tearing a woman to shreds because of an outfit. You people are gross. Let me pose a question - If you judge a young woman for wearing a revealing outfit to get attention as a crappy person - would that same logic apply to a snarky blog writer who took a bunch of cheap shots to get hits?

    ReplyDelete
  115. Anonymous12:51

    A third of these are actually good advice; the rest are just stupid and misinformed or plain obvious.

    ReplyDelete
  116. Anonymous06:21

    Maybe teach your sons not to judge somebody by how they're dressed or their sexual lives by calling them skanks?

    Slut shame much??

    ReplyDelete
  117. 26. just teach him the address of the "sexual identity distress" unit, and gie him 10 bucks to get there. for christ sake, you are not realistic! hope you are not a stay-at-home mother of a boy, i mean it, seriously!
    oh, and yes, I am a stay-at-home husband, cook (well), clean, give massage to wife, actually fucks wife, actually says i am sorry i was wrong, please accpet my apolgies (and i wait until apologies are accepted)...i even am midly faithful, but god i am not Farinelli! (go look wikipedia)

    ReplyDelete
  118. Anonymous20:47

    Just a warning on a few notes, you're new at this he's only 7.
    Skank girl = douche canoe boy.
    Beavis and Butthead. It's coming, whether you like it or not for some period of time, it's coming.
    Housework? It takes a team to run a house, if that's what they see, that's what they live. I have 2 teenage boys and the same as I was raised. They can both make a meal without much direction. It's normal to them.
    The toilet seat? Make him clean it, he won't pee on it again, it's gross.
    Baby Book? Good luck - instead,encourage him to babysit, be a role model to someone younger.
    Dance? I just tell mine not to sit around, get up and dance. If you sit on the sideline, you're bored and they're having fun. End of story.
    LEGO? Pick it the fuck up! It hurts to step on.
    Rubbing out in public? Not sure where you come from (okay, you said Kansas) But Toto, where I'm from that's illegal - weird.

    Most of this comes by example. Just make sure they know, SMART is GOOD. Be capable, not a leach on your partner, workplace, family or anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Sadly, I have to agree with anonymous about Beavis and Butthead. I think most boys go through that phase. Or maybe it's just my boys because their dad thinks B&B are hilarious. Heck it makes me laugh, so...as long as they don't *become* B&B I'm okay with it.

    I love number 3! I'll confess, one of the reasons I love my husband is that he's also my housekeeper. It helps to marry a man with less tolerance for clutter and crap than I have. My boys are also learning to cook, which is an essential life skill, IMO. My dad didn't learn until he divorced my mom, and then he called me to learn how to boil spaghetti.

    As for number 1- names aside, it's good advice. The motto around the girls my friends are raising is "modest is hottest." That's the kind of girl I want my boys to have for friends.

    ReplyDelete
  120. My Favorite one had to be number 8 "let him Play Video Games" it works out the aggression, u know this also works for husbands if you let him play video games hes less likely to fly off the handle over something stupid, or even anything in general

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  121. LOVE #5. My boys know to sit when they pee. I've even trained the husband to do it. Stand up in someone else's bathroom NOT mine.

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  122. Yeah, not on board for # 6, though I do see way too many people (men and women) give up on relationships way too easily. A happy medium would be good. All this stuff about skanks though, sheesh! I WAS a skank when I started dating my husband, but I've been a monogamous housewife/mom for over 13 years now. We have an excellent sex life and we're both very happy ;) I think he's glad he married a skank :p I'd rather my sons have a relationship like ours than the classic "I got married and now I never get laid" relationship my husband was warned so many times about. Sometimes the little goody two shoes is not all she's cracked up to be.

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  123. My son is currently the crybaby variety and I spend most of my time trying not to tell a 6 yr old to man up.

    On the other hand though, one of my proudest moments was hearing some brat in the playground at school telling him smugly "I have 6 girlfriends" and my son turning round saying "Well then you are cheating on them and that is wrong."

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  124. Well, I have to say that i am absolutely in love with your blog. I have 2 boys of my own, 11 and 15, and two step daughters whom I do not get at all.. Being a mom of boys all my life and suddenly being thrown into this world of girly, snotty, manipulative and caniving behavior has seriously damaged my soul. I will be on the search right after I click publish for the girl list... After 5 years of the step daughters, I am desperate for help. They are MEAN,.,, and only 10 and 13 years old....

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    1. Do they have to live with you? Where is their mother and what is her role in their lives? I would set up "behavior contracts" with them, remove all privileges until they show some respect and responsibility, or send them back to mom.

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  125. You forgot one. Get his ear pierced so that he's experience pain and knows how to buy jewelry.

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  126. #19. Don't marry a Kardashian. The other 18 are just gravy. ;)

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  127. Umm, this is friggin priceless. I have two boys. One is 5 and you better believe he already knows what a "Shank" is!
    New follower. Just loving your blog.
    Katie~
    http://dysfunctionsjunction.com

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  128. I know the girl in that first photo. that whole scandal happened in the town i was going to college in.

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  129. Teach them to get their hands dirty and how to repair things! Nothing worse than a man with nicer/softer hands than mine and who has no clue how to fix minor household things! All kids need to go outside and get dirty!! Some parents have become such germaphobes (sp?) that their kids never get in the dirt! It builds character, imagination and immunity! :) I raised 2 sons and 2 daughters on the farm and they are all self efficient and great parents now too. :D LOVE your blog!!

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  130. These are so true! I've got 2 boys, and they make my hair grayer every day, but I wouldn't change a thing. Please visit back at http://semanticsister.blogspot.com. Thanks a bunch!

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  131. When my son was ten and we lived on a small Islam and all his playmates were ten year old girls , we started a basketball team. And made matching
    t-shirts , here's where he learned about equality. And on the off days we studied a Old Educate book. The ladies practices girly things , traditional things like how to bend down while picking something off the ground. My son, all how to be a gentleman and , well you know . We did this on the beach in our front yard. Priceless times . I raised him alone. So proud.

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    1. That's ISLAND , not Whatever my phone chose as a wOrd. Darn typos. :/

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  132. So I'm a brand new mom of a baby boy. Is #12 really a thing? I have soooo much to learn...

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    1. Theamericandream, most of these will never even happen oo come close to happening if your raising your son respectfully. I'm a single parent , and the best advice I can give is , listen to your child n consider his needs. When he was born and we were in the hospital my obgyn asked me , so you have any questions and I replied" how do I know if he's cold " and the doctor said , "if you are cold he is cold ", That was advice I used in every situation. Then I took a class "early childhood education, which teaches you about how the child's brain grows and what it's capacity to learn is . That was golden.
      Boys don't have to play ball, boys don't have to wear blue. I bought a book because I had never known a perfect man so had nothing to guide me. " raising a son" it's amazing . Teach him educate. Teach him to voice his feelings . Teach . Him to listen , teach him to problem solve. I only really had to consult the book once, when he was 16. & what I read for a bit that age was eye opening. Enjoy every min. Don't miss a beat. Sincerely Sherry

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  133. how about teaching your kids to go get their own damn drink and to not act like we are their maid/personal servant? I think a lot of grown men expect to be waited on hand and foot and they expect us to do all the cooking and cleaning because that is what their own mom taught them by doing it all herself and letting her hubby hold down the couch. Also, don't fawn over your son and tell him how fucking awesome he is when he is unemployed and not doing shit with his life. He will expect to find a mate that will do the same.

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    1. Jill your angry. You must have some pretty terrible men in your life .

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  134. All r good expect number five. I agreewith putting the seat down but he will pee staying up. He will be made fun of if he sits to pee.

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  135. I spent my son's teenage years hearing "fag" "homo" and my personal fav....one click calling the other click "incest"
    click...is that even a term anymore???
    And VIDEO games.....are you kidding me. I never allowed them in my house. I think my house was the only NON NINTENDO zone in the neighborhood. But my g'kids are all exposed to them. They are all 6 and under and ALL are forever on the wii, xbox, playstation, and the stupid games on every cell phone everywhere......The crying, arguing, tantrums....I'm sorry but I think...you want hand/eye coordination....give me a break. Give your son a guitar, keyboard or a sketch pad with charcoals. HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I HATE FUCKING VIDEO GAMES......
    TV isn't the babysitting anymore. It's stupid ass video games EVERYWHERE.....

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    1. Ditto -@fiftyfinally
      But in a more calm way. But I'm right there with ya .

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    2. G jill, seams like you've got some chauvinistic men in your life. Run for the hills as fast as you can. Personally I don't know any men like that , but if I did . Well, I wouldn't so I guess that is that . But you sound angry.

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  136. Hilarious list. I think I would only add one - and it is mostly his father's responsibility: teach him to be a gentleman. it is sorely missing in this generation. And it just basically means he needs to learn to manage his own conduct, rather than trying to manage/control the world around him.

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  137. Love this list. I'll add one: Teach him that texting is not an acceptable form of communication in a relationship. Also never end a text in a preposition. "Where you at" is proof positive that an idiot is on the other end.

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  138. Don't forget to teach him if he wants to have unprotected sex and gets a girl pregnant (or "protected" sex AKA "She said she was on the pill") he is not a "Baby-Daddy". He's a father-to-be. Love your blog!

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  139. Love these! Especially the skank ho one! LOL

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  140. Love the list! I have 3 boys.
    one I'm planning on teaching: Yes you love your penis, it is amazing and valuable to you. THUSly you must be careful with it, and where you put it!! Protect it, keep it clean, keep it private. KWIM???
    AKA don't take photos of it, don't stick it nasty places, don't put it in places that you don't know who else has been there, etc.
    Ew but true.

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  141. AWESOME! I have a couple of the same ones (funny and dancing) on my recent blog as well on How Not to Raise Total A-Holes

    http://bloodsweatcheers13.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-not-to-raise-aholes.html

    Love your list even more than mine! :)
    Kristen

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  142. Teach him that women are beautiful with or without makeup. (Also Include videos or examples of what photoshop can do)
    Teach him how to make a woman feel attractive.

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