People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon


Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon

Let me start by saying, I know she had twins, but did anyone else feel like Mariah Carey's pregnancy was double the normal length?  It has been a long 9 months!  How early in her pregnancy did she announce it to the world?  I just read they announced it six months ago.  Really?  Only six months ago?  Ugh, I feel like we've been on Mariah Carey baby watch for two years!

My other complaint about these two is their general lack of chemistry.  They are so blah together that I can't even believe they were able to get Mariah knocked up.  Whenever I see a picture of the two of them, I think "Oh look, it's Mariah Carey - is she still pregnant?? - and her assistant.  Oh wait, I think that's her husband what's-his-name."  They're weird when you see them together.  Mariah's always got that MILF thing going on and it always looks like Nick is thinking, "How much longer do I have to sleep with this old lady until people realize I'm someone too??"

If these were not reasons enough to punch these two, I read last night that the babies have been born.  There was a lot of speculation as to what Mariah and Nick would name their babies.  Hollywood is a tough town and there is a lot of pressure to be unique and interesting with your baby name picks.  There is a lot of pressure for the name to have a story.  When you're a celebrity you don't just look in a baby book and think, "Kinley is a cute name.  Let's do that one!"  No way!  That's why celebrity children have had some of the dumbest names I've ever heard:

Memphis Eve (Of course Bono would name his kid a stupid name.)

Apple  (Gwyneth thinks it's Biblical.  Sorta.  Kinda.)

Moses (That one is Biblical, Gwyneth.)

Pilot Inspektor  (Jason Lee must have been high.  He obviously gets high a lot and I think he just won't admit he was high when he named his kid.  He says he was inspired by a song's lyrics, but I'm not buying it.)

Kal-El  (Nic Cage really likes Superman.)

FiFi Trixiebelle Geldof (And people think MY kid has a dog name!?)

Coco (I actually think this is a cute name, but when I read WHY they named her Coco I decided I didn't like it.  Courtney Cox wanted to name her daughter Courtney Cox Arquette.  Wow.  Really?  Ugh.  Celebrities and their love for themselves.  David didn't like it because it went against his Jewish beliefs - who knew he was religious enough to care about anything?  So they decided on Coco as a nickname for Courtney Cox.  Crisis averted.)

Prince Michael II AKA Blanket (Crazy train.  I guess MJ felt he had to one up his brother Jermaine who named his kid Jermajesty.)

Rocket Rodriguez (Are his parents HOPING for a career in porn or they just figure with that name he can fall back on it if need be?  BTW he has siblings named Racer, Rebel and Rogue.  Forget porn, I think they're planning to save the world from aliens.)

Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow is taking that whole ultra-competitive thing to a new level with a stupid spelling AND a cutesy name combined.  Asshat.)

So, with all this pressure, Mariah and Nick had to pick not one - but two - ridiculously stupid names for their children.  How else could they expect to stay in the media spotlight?  Names like Audrey and Michael are NOT going to keep them on the Yahoo top trends list.  The names need to be fresh, original and don't forget the damn story!

Mariah and Nick picked Moroccan and Monroe.  In case you're wondering, Monroe is the girl name.  Of course it is.  That makes sense.

Here's the story:  Moroccan is named after a ROOM in Mariah's apartment.  A ROOM!  She has a Moroccan room in her apartment and she named her son after the ROOM!  I have a craft room in my house, I guess I should have named my son Crafty.  WTF?  I'm stunned they even admit that is the inspiration for their child's name.  Thank God she didn't love her bathroom or else the kid would be Commode or Toilet or Le Bains.

Monroe is named after Marilyn Monroe.  Not James Monroe, Founding Father and fifth President of the United States and the namesake of the Monroe Doctrine - that would be just weird.  Nope, Marilyn Monroe because Mariah is a huge fan.  So why not just name her Marilyn?  I guess that's too feminine.

I know celebrities are narcissistic douches who will do anything to keep the media attention focused on them and a good way to do it is to give their kids ridiculous monikers like Sage Moonblood and Audio Science (those are real names, BTW).  They need to realize that these are actual human beings and not cute little dogs they carry around in Prada bags.  These are real live people who have to function in society and even if their dad is Sly Stallone they're still going to get teased at school and laughed at during a job interview.


Whitney said...

Where they high?

Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking? said...

Moroccan was a stupid name before I learned it was after a room.

I really don't mind Monroe that much. Not a choice I'd make, but it's no Moon Unit...

Shelley Workinger said...

I just saw an interview with them where she said, "Yeah, it's ROC and ROE." Mm-hmm.

Jen said...

I'm glad Shelley posted that, I was hoping that would be brought up in this post.

Also, if you want to keep tabs on them and care to see up-close and personal pictures of them you can do so at:

Yes. DEM BABIES dot com.

Melda said...

Don't forget Nicole Richie's son,
Sparrow Midnight....

I mean, if I'm gonna name a BOY after a bird,
it'd be Eagle or ?? something a little TOUGHER than Sparrow.

Jenny said...

I thought Courtney Cox named her daughter after Coco Chanel. But then I googled and see that you are right. Face. Palm.

Tree Hugging (Almost) Attorney said...

I'm still laughing over ""

Anonymous said...

Check out the St. John's University men's basketball team roster. There is a player named God'sgift.

Anonymous said...

Last year I saw there was a high school football recruit named Wonderful Terrific

Lisa said...

I just remembered there's a kid named Happy at my kid's daycare. It's his birthday this month, so he made the newsletter. He looked Pleased at best in the photo.

Jean Vogler said...

If they want to be so trend-setting, why don't they do what the fashion industry does and bring back stuff from 100 years ago. How about Alfred and Agnes? They were popular in 1912.

perrone96 said...

Celebrities are idiots. This is why you should love them for their movies, love them for their music, but don't get sucked into their personal lives.

Mrs. C said...

I've never understood the unusual baby names. It's very disturbing.

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

Roc Roe. She'll sound like Scooby Doo whenever she calls her kids to the dinner table.

LaLa the MaMa said...

My dad told me that before I named my kids (who are now 3 and 4), I had to picture them being nominated to the Supreme Court. Solid advice.