The People Joining Me at Wal Mart Today

Today I went to WM because I had a bit of a problem the other night.  I bought 4 bags worth of stuff and got home with only 3.  I didn't realize it until the next day and when I called they said to bring my receipt and they'd replace the items that didn't make it home.  I thought that was pretty awesome.  I love Target, but I just can't see them being so nice about my mistake.

I realize Wal Mart is like Mecca for white trash, but I live near a NICE Wal Mart.  My Wal Mart is clean and bright.  You see designer handbags in shopping carts and fancy SUVs in the luxurious parking lot.  I don't even think my Wal Mart sells guns!

So today I was a little surprised by what I saw:  white trash style mixed with conservative Christian sensibilities.  I guess it makes sense - the Fourth of July IS coming and these are the two types of people who really embrace this holiday more than the rest of us.  Flags and explosives, it's like Kuntry Kristmas in Kansas (well, Missouri really, because we can't have fireworks in the city limits over here).

As I was walking into WM, (read: slogging through 90+ degree heat - ugh!)  I noticed a few trucks in the parking lot with "decorations" that perturbed me.  That and the weather put me in a mood.  I walked in looking for a fight.  I didn't get one from Customer Service (thank you, Wal Mart!) so instead I had to walk through the store looking for people who irritated me while I found the items I was missing.  Here's what I came up with:

Stay classy lady, thanks for the warning.

1.  People with "decorations" on their car.  I'm talking about the guy with the decal on the back window of his Ford.  The decal shows Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes fame) urinating on the Chevy emblem.  Classy.  Another guy had Truck Nutz hanging from his trailer hitch.  Sexy.  I wonder what kind of women are attracted to these guys?  I can only imagine if the Hubs had picked me up for our first date and he had Truck Nutz swinging from his Chevy.  Needless to say, I don't think we'd be where we are today.

2.  Bumper Stickers I saw that irked me:
Welcome to America, Now Speak English!  (Last I checked America doesn't have an official language.)
Pro Life, Pro Gun, Pro God  (God doesn't want us to kill a fetus, but you can shoot anyone on your property - or God's beautiful animals, stuff them and hang them in the living room.)
Motherhood:  A Proud Profession  (Would a doctor put this on her car?  Pediatric Heart Surgeons:  We've Got the Beat.  Why are mothers the only ones who feel a need to broadcast to the world that they're doing a tough job, but they're proud of it?  I guess it's better than the double entendre ones like Teachers Do It With Class.)

3.  I counted 3 mullets. Two were on women.

4.  I saw a mother slap her one year old and say, "Quit yer crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"  I thought that saying went out in the '70s!  I hope she wasn't the one with the motherhood bumper sticker.

5.  I think I caught a guy shoplifting.  I can't be sure, but I came around a corner in the men's department and he moved quickly and looked guilty.  He was in the underwear section.  Underwear is expensive as crap - even at WM.  It's like 2 bucks per tighty whitey.  If he's desperate enough to steal underwear, I'm not going rat him out.  He was probably the guy with the OBummer sticker on his car.

6.  I saw a mom and her 13 year old daughter who was wearing short shorts with "Juicy" on her ass.  Her mom must not read this blog.  They were in the Family Planning aisle looking at pregnancy tests.  Nah, they weren't, but THAT would have been classic!!  They were buying hair spray.  Boring.

7.  LOTS of bathing suits today under various forms of cover up.  It was hot out, no doubt.  But that doesn't give women who are built like me the excuse to shop in nothing but shorts and a bikini top.  Yikes.  It also doesn't give hot women the right to show us non-hot women what we don't have.

8.  A man who got irritated with me when I nicely asked his child to get up off the floor in the middle of the aisle so I could get my cart by.  At first I thought he was mad at the kid, but once I got past his accent (I know which car WASN'T his) I realized he was mad at me for talking to his kid.  Sorreeee.  Get your damn kid out of the aisle.  Next time I'll roll over him like a speed bump.

9.  Foodies.  Every cart I passed seemed to be full of Cheetos Light, Natty Light and hot dogs.  Hope I get invited to that party.

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32 comments:

fresh_banana said...

Ah, the joys of Wally World. Good people watching and cheaper groceries, it's a win-win. -Chalanna

Annette said...

OMG I so blogged about Truck Nutz last week.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Annette, Great minds get irritated alike! Just read your post regarding Truck Nutz, hilarious!

Jen Piwtpitt said...

You are so right, Chalanna! I don't get near the good people watching at Target!

Serena said...

Lmao. I live near a Walmart that has a perfect blend of normal and white trash. My worst day at Walmart was when I got a whiff of BO down every aisle I went. Gotta love the smell of the unwashed masses (or asses whichever you prefer) at Walmart.

KarenS said...

I avoid Wally World like the plague, but when you gotta, you gotta.
So far I've come across;

1. Some dude blowing his nose into his hands.
2. A tailgate party in the parking lot.
3. People helping themselves to an unattended table of pineapple and chicken that was being sampled SOME TIME that day. ~GAG~
4. Even the parking lot smells funny

Unknown said...

I had the pleasure of seeing a 4 year old (non-white trash) little boy pissing in the school supply aisle, when I forgot an item and had to brave the crowds of back to school WM shoppers.....white trash aren't the only irritants to deal with where I live.

bmmoore said...

We were at a wm in sc late at night and saw someone changing his oil with the car on and smoking a cigarette...brilliant

Robs said...

HOLY MOTHER that was hilarious!!!!!!!!!! SHARED!

Kat said...

My last WM experience began in the always crowded parking lot---a man got off his motorcycle and while looking right at me--took out his TEETH.

Unknown said...

Pssssssh. My office is next door to a dollar store. I have a HUGE window across the front of my office. I get to see an entire cross-section of 'Merica walk past my window every day. Last week I watched a family of three stand directly in front of my office and proceed to argue for a solid hour about the kid's dad's visitation schedule. In front of the kid. Who was crying. Oh and mom was wearing pajama bottoms and house shoes.

Unknown said...

Everyone complains about WM, but everyone shops there. I don't get it.

Ms. Lee said...

Lol....Thanks for the laugh this morning I needed it. Sometimes I go to walmart just to see what NOT to wear!!!

Samantha said...

There's not enough money in the world to get me to shop in a Wal-Mart. I don't even like driving past WM because then I'm on the same road as the people (and I use that term loosely with regards to some of them) who shop there.

Albania said...

That was hilarious!! I don't go to WM often enough, lol

Brandon Klinetobe said...

You forgot #10 - Target Employee in uniform roaming the aisles looking for a deal...

Olive Cake said...

Sounds to me like maybe you were drunk on your other trips to Walmart... which is awesome, don't get me wrong... I just think maybe you saw Walmart as it really is on this last trip. ;)

Katy said...

Omg...Truck Nutz...Seriously! How are those things even displayed in public legally? How are they *not* considered obscene/lewd? Although, I have to confess, they do inspire me to decorate the hitch of MY truck with a giant vagina. That's okay, right? You've got a frickin' nut sack hanging from your hitch, so I think I'll get mine a pretty pink vage. With glitter. There! Now everyone is trashy - er - happy.

Unknown said...

I see truck nutz and think, geez someone must have inadequacy issues O.o Oh and whatever you do, don't fall in front of one of the Wal-creatures. They are like freaking air raid sirens making sure everyone knows you bit it.

TishM said...

#7!!! I live in Ontario, Canada...where it is legal for women to go TOPLESS. Very rarely is THAT a good thing! (just to be clear, it's not often that it's good to see a man topless either)

Melissa Pappalardo said...

I had the UNBELIEVABLE pleasure of being called a C*** because while waiting in the line at the register that was 15 people deep....the WM associate who was opening the next register pulled my cart into her line and the lady in front of me (Who had ALL her items already on the belt) said I was going to hell because I was cutting her. REALLY?? Being screamed at while standing in line is bad enough, but when it's by someone who is CLEARLY in her 50's dressed like a 16 year old and her face looks like she's BOZO the Clowns long lost daughter (after she'd been crying for 3 hours)is the worst. Still, after she tried to man handle my husband, I did stoop to her level and tell her I would kick her ass if she put her hands on him again. Needless to say...I return to this store in hopes of crossing paths. No luck so far!

Submommy said...

Pro Life, Pro Gun, Pro God. This just kills me. No pun intended.

Allison said...

I'm all about fart jokes but that shirt is just wrong in every way....

Lisa said...

Our WalMart has always been super tame every time I've been. The worst I've seen are the standard child tantrums in the toy/cereal/candy aisle (which happen at every store that sells these items) and I've seen a few of the "PJ bottoms" being worn, but I've seen that in other stores too now. I guess it's fashionable?

Anonymous said...

That would be epic!

Anonymous said...

Great post! I like that I can go to wal mart in my 'fancy' yoga pants and feel dressed up and classy!

Shannan said...

You're right about #6 - I was disappointed when you said it was just hair spray. I like going to WM to boost my self esteem. For your sake I hope you do get invited to THAT party. Have a great holiday weekend!

RachRiot said...

I hate WalMart but I admit sometimes when I'm feeling low I like to just go wander the aisles and see the sights. By the time I leave I feel like a goddamn supermodel. Thanks WalMart!

Wendy at Taking the Long Way Home said...

There's a store in Wisconsin called Farm and Fleet. When you walk in, the smell of rubber is overwhelming--from all the tires they sell. Once, while shopping I heard a kid begging his mom for a drink from the fountain. The mom told the kid not to fill up on water, to wait until they got home, because they had plenty of pop at home. I kid you not.

Christie said...

My husband and I used to joke that the Wally World by our house would provide enough people for an entire season (and many many more) of What Not To Wear. Just herd them in and get Clinton and Stacy on their asses.

Unknown said...

TOTALLY AWESOME!- although I am going to have to insist you remove that pic of me in the t-shirt at once.....

momincolorado said...

I love the pictures and stories about Walmart. I've honestly been tempted to dress as slovenly as possible while shopping, but fear of a camera phone stops me!
In response to the person who wrote, If you hate WM so much, you're all still shopping there. Well... we don't any more. We live in suburban Colorado. Every Walmart here is scary-dirty, understocked, with rotten food. (I once accosted the store manager to help me pull brownish green meat off the shelves over July 4th weekend, as people were buying it without a second glance). The last straw was about a year ago when my 10-year-old told me she felt she needed to take a shower after we left our local WM. She HATES showers and I have to bribe her to take one. Ick!

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