Most Everyone I Saw Last Night in the ER at Liberty Hospital

Remember that SNL skit a few years ago about Appalachian Emergency Room?  Last night I witnessed that first hand.  OMG.

We are camping at a camp grounds near Excelsior Springs, MO and last night my six year fell and hit his head pretty hard.  We decided to take him to the emergency room for a CT scan.  I was told by the people in the know to skip Excelsior Springs and go straight to Liberty, MO, because that's the "better" ER.

If Liberty is the better ER then I can't even imagine what Excelsior Springs must be like!  I should have known this was going to be an experience when I walked in and saw two police officers standing there.  I asked my cousin, "What do you think they're doing here?"  She said, "Probably a DUI or something."  Nope, I quickly figured out they were there for security.  And I was soon glad they were there.

I was 30 miles from my home and I felt like I was in Deliverance.  White trash doesn't begin to describe it.
Remember this guy?  Yikes!

Let's start with the 87 pound crack whore slash meth head.  This chick was running around in an oversized t-shirt that was so big I wasn't sure she had pants on.  After a bit I figured out she did.  She kept bopping around the ER alternating between grabbing her crotch and holding her stomach like she was going to be sick.  She carried an ENORMOUS purse with her that must have weighed as much as her and she kept magically pulling Butterfingers and Snickers out of it.  It was like Mary Poppins with a sugar problem.  She would devour these candy bars like...well, like an 87 pound crack whore slash meth head coming down off a high.  Think rabid beaver.  She was with her boyfriend (?) who was sporting a hot wife beater and skull tattoos.  Pretty soon she hopped up and said, "Oh!  It's time to give my sample!"  She returned with her urine sample in hand and sat down to enjoy a Milky Way.  WTF?

Next was a man who had sawed through his finger.  He had it wrapped in a paper towel and was told to take a number.  I would think a sawed through finger might take precedent over anyone who needs to give a urine sample, but he had to wait behind the crack whore slash meth head.  He sat there and watched "Malcolm in the Middle" and held his paper towel wrapped finger and tried to look like it didn't hurt too much.

We were called in to see the triage nurse and she asked us some "standard" questions.

"Is he exposed to secondhand smoke?'
"No," I replied.
"Of ANY kind?"  She clarified.
"Not cigarette or ANY other kind of smoke," I replied.

"How many carbonated beverages does he consume in a day?  One to two?  Three to four?  Five or more?"
"None," I replied.
"None?"  She asked.  "That means Coke and Sprite."
"Yes, I understand the question," I said.  "He doesn't drink carbonated beverages."

"Well, if he doesn't drink Coke, then I'm pretty sure the next question doesn't apply."
"What is it?" I asked.
"Does he ever consume alcoholic beverages?"
I choked and then thought I'd be a smart ass and replied, "Oooh, yeah, we don't let him drink Sprite, but he loves a cold Bud with his dinner every night."
It took her a full ten seconds to laugh.  I think she's met A LOT of crazy parents.

After this we were sent back out to waiting room to wait to see a doctor.  That's when we saw the parents of the year carrying their baby out from seeing the doctor.

Mom looked about 17 and she also looked like she might be a meth addict.  Dad was probably closer to 19 and I don't think he'd bathed in a week.  Baby looked feverish and ill and was dressed in a grimy diaper and nothing else.  Mom was snapping at Dad to hurry up and Dad was already fumbling for a ciggie.  (I guess I'll give them props that they're both in their baby's life and they sought medical care for their sick baby, but that's the best I can do.)

We had a new patient in the waiting room.  An obese, smelly tattoo covered woman in a wheel chair with a bag of her own vomit.  She was attended by a filthy looking man who kept touching her.  She was clearly annoyed by this and really only wanted to continually check her phone and/or moan.

I can't say with certitude (my new favorite word) but I THINK she was the one in the room next to us back in the ER who was vomiting their guts up and crying.

Soon my son's name was called and we were whisked back to the ER and we saw three really nice, normal medical professionals who took excellent care of my son.  When I came out to tell my cousin and uncle to go ahead and leave us there, even my stoic, non-gossipy uncle whispered to me, "It's been REAL interesting out here.  You've missed a lot."  And my cousin (who is a gossipy gal and a realty TV junkie just like me) said, "Oh my God, they should make a reality show in this waiting room.  It's NUTS."  I can't wait to hear what I missed!

So my question to the good people of Liberty is:  Are soap and water expensive in the Liberty area?  Is there any reason why everyone who came in looked like they hadn't touched water in weeks?  Do you melt if water touches you?  Is it illegal to wash clothes in Liberty?  Is it illegal to dress your children?

From what I gather, the thriving businesses in the area are the meth/crack dealers; convenience stores that sell cigarettes, diapers and candy bars; tattoo parlors; and cell phone providers (all of these crackers had expensive phones!).


Laura said...

Well, let's just say I'll be praying we don't need an ER when we're up there this weekend. And glad he's okay!! Poor guy; I'm sure he got an eye/ear full. And I'm very sorry I missed your uncle being a little gossipy - I can't even imagine!!

BNM said...

LMAO sounds like an interesting night! Its like that around here but i will say that theyve never asked if I give my child alcohol haha

Amanda Tempel said...

LOL This was so funny! I almost died when you said crack whore meth head carried her pee out, and ate a Milky Way! LOLOLOL!

Anonymous said...

First let me say that I LOVE your blog and I live in Liberty. I would like to think I'm perfectly normal (well as normal as anyone really is) and for the most part so is Liberty. That said, I think the WT sneaks its way in ~ please don't let the ER peeps be your only view of us Liberty folk! ;) Some of us would also like to punch those people in the throat too ~ just saying...

Serena said...

I'm a nurse, not in the ER thank God but we still see some amazing whack jobs! My favorites are the parents who bring in their babies with severe asthma attacks or pneumonia and run out to smoke while their child gets their breathing treatment and smokes a pack a day in between visiting their child so the room smells like a giant ash tray. It takes all kinds I suppose. But people never cease to amaze me!

Anonymous said...

This one had me giggling and reading aloud to my husband! Love your blog!

Just Me said...

That sounds like an ER ... any ER, not just Liberty. We have two ER's in Bangor and one does have full time police presence. The other doesn't get as many cases as your describing, but with the spread of bath salts across the Kittery bridge (took a few years longer than elsewhere in the US), it has gotten worse.
It sometimes seems like a contest for the people to dress trashy and see how long they can go without the use of soap (or even just water). The fact that these people carry iphones or droids, emanate tobacco through their pores, and proudly present their MaineCare (Medicaid) cards makes even the most seasoned ER staff member want to punch them in the throat.

Anonymous said...

I'm just reading this because I followed it back from other posts. I think its funny I'm posting right after a fellow Mainer and a fellow Bangor...ER...? As well. Bangor doesn't have full time police detail at either hospital. People get confused and think we do because of the countless cases of bath salts coming in so they have to be there. But trust me. They aren't assigned hospital detail.

It depends on the time of day I think (even here in Maine) if you want to see the real fruit cakes and entertainment then you come out at night. The hospitals are full of whack jobs by then...homeless that need a place to stay, meth/crack/bath salt/any drug addict who is coming down and hoping they are going to find something to help them at the ER, WT parents who bickered all day about whether they should take their sick kid to the hospital and decide at midnight CPS won't like it if they done, strange after hours accidents enduced by to much liqour or above mentioned drug...and I've found that the homeless/drugaddicts/whitetrash...are ALL allergic to soap and/or can't afford running water. And they have chronic sinus problems so have no idea what they smell like. (If they stopped putting shit up their nose it would probably work right!)

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