Again With the Mini Punches!

1.  Chelsea Handler.  The Hubs sent my blog to her yesterday and she responded that I need therapy.  Seriously?  That's her response?  What's up with that, Chelsea?  Do you think you're the only one allowed to be a ballsy bitch?

2.  The bicyclists who want to "share" the road with my car last night.  Last night I was driving on a two lane road with no shoulder.  I came over a hill with a blind spot and had to slam on my breaks, because suddenly there was a WALL of bicycles in front of me.  These are not the usual road warriors you see out there with their Lycra outfits and expensive bikes that they can pedal uphill at 30 mph.  This was some kind of charity race or maybe a neighborhood on drugs who thought this was a great bonding experience.  This was obviously something that had been advertised to people like me.  There were tons of overweight men and women (in Lycra - my eyes!!) huffing and puffing on their BMXs with their KIDS.  They were weaving and bobbing all over the road rather than staying in the 12 inches or so normally allotted to bicycle riders.  I got behind one group that I thought were going to get off their bikes and PUSH them up the hill.  WTF????  If you can't ride a bike up a hill, get off the road with vehicles!  The dumbest part of this whole thing is that literally 5 feet from the road is a fricking BIKE PATH!  Get on the bike path, you morons.  Last night I watched the 10 o'clock news fully expecting to see that a large group of idiots were run over on 143rd Street last night.  Somehow they all made it back home alive.  It's truly a miracle.

3.  Airlines.  Did you see that airlines are actually making a profit this year?  It's all from baggage fees.  Did you see an airlines booted a guy last night because he dropped the F-bomb on a flight attendant?  That's hardcore.  I once threatened to let my kid pee on the floor of a plane because the "Fasten Seatbelt" sign was on and they wouldn't let him up to use the bathroom.  I guess I was lucky we were already in the air and they couldn't boot me off.

4.  The 22-year old British heiress who is trying to buy Candy Spelling's $150 million home. Yeah, this will be her second home.  Her primary home is in London.  I think Daddy did a good job not spoiling her too much.  Don't you?

5.  Jessica Alba.  What is her claim to fame these days?  Can anyone tell me?  She is all over the magazines and websites and I don't see that she has a movie, a book, a TV show (sitcom and/or reality) and yet there she is.  What does she do?  She's always pregnant and being photographed in "adorable" maternity fashions.  She's also been photographed picking "cute and functional" housewares and knick knacks at the local flea market.  Why do we care about what Jessica Alba likes?

6.  Weiner.  Going to rehab.  Yeah, that should fix his computer skills.  Dumbass.

7.  Tracy Morgan.  HE should go to rehab.  That guy is deranged.  (Now I sound like Chelsea Handler.)  I love 30 Rock, but I think he's the worst part.  I think Tina Fey should boot his sorry ass.

8.  People who don't know how to go through a 4 way stop properly.  We have lots of 4 way stops around here and I am so irritated by the people who don't pay attention to where they are in line.  If I get to the stop sign first, I GO first, even if you've waited longer.  Also, if we get there together at the same time, you yield to the person on your right.  PS - a stop sign means STOP, not take a quick look, see that I'm slowing down and so you can gun it and roll through.  These are the days that I just wish I drove a tank around town.

27 comments:

Jessica said...

New follower here! Love your blog! I am always complaining about the 4-way stops. People just do not get it!

alyfitzpatrick said...

yeah, i like chelsea handler less now.

sara lynn said...

I love your mini-punches.

Tapanga Malanga said...

I think Chelsea's jealous!

Anonymous said...

Hi I have been following you for a couple of weeks now....I came for the elf....stayed for the laughs....Chelsea Handler, yea I am over her now.

Rosemary said...

HA HA!! Chelsea said you need therapy? That's like the pot calling the kettle black. I'm sure she felt threatened by your wit being so similar to her own. Don't take it as a slam, take it as a compliment. She's afraid, she's VERY AFRAID!! lol

Anonymous said...

Re: #8 ... apply that to the dumb look that crosses peoples faces at the traffic circles. They seem to be doing away with 4-way stops here and putting in those freaking circles!!!

Anonymous said...

Chelsea is overrated! She can be very witty and funny at times, but I think she's honestly jealous of your competition! Keep up the good work! You say exactly what I feel but are to shy to say! LOL! Happy New Year!

Unknown said...

Had the same airline experience with my son! We had sat for almost two hours on the runway with the seatbelt sign on, he had to GO, and the airline attendant told me I "Just didn't want to follow the rules" and that it would be best if my son wet his pants. I was livid, and asked her if she would tell a grown adult to pee themselves, unbuckled my son and took him to the bathroom, and stared her down, daring her to do something. She didn't.

Anonymous said...

I think Chelsea is correct. Seek help. Life is too short to be so angry. You think whining like a little turd makes you balsy?

Life with Claire said...

I wish Chelsea would lay off the botox. good lord..have you seen her. she needs a padded room if you need therapy! lol! Keep it up mini punches! i am crackig up at "anonymous's" post...some people confuse sarcasm with anger. there's a difference...figure it ou!

Julz said...

^^ OMG!! I bet THATS ^^ Chelsea!!

Julz said...

(I meant the annoymous one- Life with Claire snuck in before I posted)

Cmiller said...

I love getting great laughs everday! Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

I would start watching Chelsea Lately to make sure she isn't ripping off your stuff. Used to love her, now not so much. You crack me up. The bicyclists...OMG I can picture it now. And the four way stop signs. I avoid them in this town because people just don't get it. I have almost been hit 5 times since Thanksgiving in this town. People don't get a red light or a yield sign here, much less a four way stop. Keep the punches coming, you make my days better.

dthb30 said...

I fucking hate bicyclists! I want to hit every damn one of them and keep score.

Kim Ladd said...

Here in Michigan, we refer to the 4 way stop as "Traffic Roulette"...

Anonymous said...

4 way stops what are they? Nobody in Alabama knows!!! Traffic circles? Everyone here would shit a brick if one appeared!
Had the same comment from air stewardess on a flight from England to my then 4 year old, she did what was asked of her and pissed all over the seat (cloth not leather), thankfully we had a change of clothes and daddy's lap to sit on for remaining 30 mins. Took great pleasure In letting stewardess know on way off the plane,,,,,wonder who cleaned the seat!

Lindsey said...

Ahahahaha! I am addicted to this blog because at some point, most of these things sound like something I would say. You say it a million times funnier, however. Anonymous (the one blasting the blog) - if you can't find humor in things like this, perhaps YOU should consider therapy! No need to take everything so seriously in life! Great job, Jen. Your posts are hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God! I seriously thought about starting my own blog because I wanted to rant about 4 way stops! Seriously...people are so effing stupid! (Or lazy, or self-absorbed, or on the damn phone!)

Rylee said...

Chelsea Handler's got nothing on you. Keep up what you're doing. I relate to most of what you say.

Anonymous said...

Four way stops. I like the people who think because they stopped behind the car in front of them, they don't have to stop again. Love reading your blog.

Deborah M. said...

I couldn't even get past #2 without commenting. Bikers -oops,"cyclists" - are BEYOND annoying. I hate them.

Deborah M. said...

Could you please throw a punch at Target, the IRS, and the company that handles my flexible spending account?

Pamela said...

Four-way stop signs...they're lots o' fun, or as another poster said 'Traffic Roulette'. LOL I've found that when you're in a southern state, it seems that everyone just wants to be nice, regardless of the RULES/LAWS. It's like 'Go ahead! No, you go ahead...No...you...'

Nicole said...

May I just say that your #8 is THE #1 thing that drives me CRAZY while driving!!! I honestly think that most people do not remember the rules of the road! Although, I take my anger a step further...I even get irritated when I have the right of way and another car knows I have the right of way, and then they wave to me to let me go, AS IF I was going to let them go when it was my turn at the 4way stop!! Follow the driving rules people! GRRRRR....lol

Auntie Bea said...

Chelsea handler sucks. She's NOT funny, she's a drunk and there is a big difference between your satire and her vodka swilling ramble. Take her dis as a compliment, tell the hubs thanks for his support and keep the punches rolling!

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