Help! My Kids are Turning into Cheap Bastards!

"I think you can get one more wipe out of this, Jen." - the Hubs

Every summer I send my kids to Vacation Bible School (VBS). Every year the church adopts a different charity to raise money and/or supplies for. This year was no different. This year they picked a local charity that offers basic necessities to needy children in the community. Each night the kids were encouraged to bring different items to donate.

My mom usually takes the kids to VBS for me. When she brought them home on the first night, they entered the house deep in a serious discussion.

"He won't do it," Gomer insisted.

My mom replied, "Well, let's just ask him and see."

"You can ask, but I don't think he will," Adolpha said, shaking her head.

"What's going on?" I asked. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Tomorrow is toilet paper day," Gomer explained. "We're supposed to bring toilet paper to donate to the kids, but I told Grandma that Dad will never let us do it."

"Nope," agreed Adolpha. "Dad will say toilet paper is too expensive."

OK, let me just back up the boat here a bit. So, as we all know, the Hubs is a bit of a cheap bastard, but he's ESPECIALLY cheap when it comes to toilet paper. He buys that stuff in bulk from Sam's or Costco (depending upon who has the best price that day) and he only buys the good stuff, because that one-ply crap just does not get the job done properly. I spent the first few years of my marriage arguing with the Hubs that upgrading our TP brand would actually save us money in the long run because I wouldn't be forced to make mittens out of cheap toilet paper. He's never really bought into my argument and just thinks I'm a spoiled prima donna who has a soft spot for adorable bears. I don't care what he calls me, as long I don't get road rash in my nether regions from my toilet paper.

I might have won the war on toilet paper, but I lose every battle, because I have to listen to the bellyaches that ensue every time we need to change out a roll of toilet paper. "You're replacing the toilet paper again? How much are you and Adolpha using, Jen? I'd like to see your technique, because I think you could probably cut your usage in half." And don't even get me started on the amount of squawking that goes on when we actually go through a mega pack and have to go back to Sam's or Costco to replenish. When he puts that mega pack in the cart, he bellows like the cost is causing him physical injury and reminds us all that we don't need to drink so much water all the time. "You guys are going to the bathroom a lot more than I do. You should limit your liquids."


"Listen, guys," I said to the kids. "You'll have toilet paper to bring tomorrow night. Don't worry about Dad. I'll talk to him."

That night after we put the kids to bed, I broke the news to the Hubs: "Tomorrow night is toilet paper night. The kids are bringing toilet paper to donate to needy families." I simply stared at him and dared him to deny needy children a basic necessity like toilet paper.

The Hubs knew he couldn't argue with me on this one. He's not completely heartless. He just sighed and nodded.

The next night when my mom came to pick up the kids for VBS, I asked if they had their toilet paper. They each produced their donations. Adolpha had one single roll and Gomer had removed the half used roll from the hall bath.

"What are you doing with those?" I asked. "Why didn't you each take a package from the shelf in the garage?"

They looked horrified. "I don't think Dad would let us do that!" Gomer exclaimed. "Adolpha's already taken so much."

Adolpha looked sadly at her single roll. "The one in our bathroom is almost gone. I thought this would be nicer."

"You guys! This is ridiculous. What has your dad done to you?" 

About this time, the Hubs came to investigate all of the hulabaloo (and I think to mourn his depleted store of toilet paper). "Hubs! Look at this! You've brainwashed them. They're taking ONE roll and Gomer's is half used!"

"Good thinking, Gomer," the Hubs patted Gomer on the back. 

"NOOOOOO!" I yelled. "This is toilet paper! This is for needy children who can't afford TOILET PAPER! What is wrong with you? Gomer, go under the sink in my bathroom and get a whole unopened package of toilet paper. Adolpha, get the one from under the hall sink."

The kids scurried off to get the toilet paper.

"Wait," the Hubs said, getting a little panicky. "they're both taking packages. Those are 12 packs. That's a lot of toilet paper. Can't they take one pack to split?"

I think my evil glare said it all: Spare a square, Hubs!

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23 comments:

Jen said...

this is amazing! i gripe about the cost of toilet paper too, but i also refuse to buy anything other than Charmin, so i've compromised with myself--we buy the charmin basic (it's 1-ply, but it's GOOD 1-ply) and our local grocery store frequently runs 2/$10 sales on that and the Bounty basic paper towels. God forbid we run out of TP though on a week when it's at it's regular $6.99 price!

Unknown said...

Tell Hubs when he has to wipe every time he pees then he can bitch!

Unknown said...

Laughing out loud, of course!

Anonymous said...

This immediately brought me back to my childhood. My grandmother used to complain all the time about how much toilet paper we used when we slept over her house. "THREE SQUARES is all you need!" is what she would say. Seriously, nana? In her defense, she grew up during the depression. Your hubs... not so much.

Unknown said...

Jeeeez, I'm CRYING with laughter. I have to admit though, I HAVE wiped myself with an empty roll before. But only because some asshat in my family (MY HUSBAND) didn't bother to put on a fresh one.

KCmomof2 said...

I knew The Hubs was cheap but this is a new low. Although Jeff is weird about donation stuff too. We buy the jumbo size peanut butter at Costco and when they do the peanut butter drive at school every year for Harvesters he won't let me donate the ones we already have. He goes through the ads and buys the normal size jars to donate. I swear when you add up the ozs it is the same but he would rather donate 6 small jars than one big one. I am not really sure why!

Anonymous said...

Laughing hard. Seems like your family should get some sort of humanitarian award for that kind of donation. Maybe hubs would consider a box of broken crayons next year?

Allison said...

Consumer Reports actually tested T.P. last year and recommended White Cloud.

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2013/06/attention-walmart-shoppers-white-cloud-toilet-paper-is-tops/index.htm?loginMethod=auto

RachRiot said...

My Current Legal Spouse is a cheap bastard, too, but the only thing he loves more than sitting on his wallet is sitting on the toilet. His special starfish is sensitive, so in this area (the starfish area) he spares no expense. We are total team Charmin Ultra Soft.

Unknown said...

Oh my goodness. That is so funny and I am laughing.

Unknown said...

I am dying laughing while reading this. My boyfriend is very cheap also, I think down the line he and your Hubs are related. When I first moved in he used to get 1 ply Angel soft. I explained that when I wipe I end up fingering myself more than he does. We came to the agreement I will shell out the money for the tp. I have no problem with that as long as I have tp that works:)

Unknown said...

We dont buy expensive toilet paper but we also use baby wipes to wipe with...I've learned you can clean up with 1 wipe then I usually dry up with a small amount of cheap TP!

Sarah Wright said...

This made me laugh so hard! My husband could never get away with that either! I also buy my tp at Sam's Club because we have 4 girls in the house and well that can get expensive.

angela said...

I read the same article. Tried to, went right back to Charmin. The damn white cloud was like a cloud sneezed on my @$$. White cloud dust everywhere. It was horrible.

angela said...

I read the same article. Tried to, went right back to Charmin. The damn white cloud was like a cloud sneezed on my @$$. White cloud dust everywhere. It was horrible.

Unknown said...

6 small jars isn't that bad when donating you can give 6 small jars to more people then 1 giant one thats only for one person or one big family

Unknown said...

6 small jars isn't that bad when donating you can give 6 small jars to more people then 1 giant one thats only for one person or one big family

Allison said...

"cloud sneezed on my @$$" quite possibly the funniest thing I have read on the internet this week. (Sorry, Jen!)

Nina said...

Hahaha!! Someone give some toilet paper! I just peed myself from laughter

Unknown said...

OMG! This one is hysterical! I am the one who WISHES she could downgrade the TP, but "hubs" and his precious "A$$" will not allow anything other than THE MOST expensive type of Charmin made! I even offered to put "cheap" TP in the other bathrooms, not the Master... "but what if I have an emergency?" Oh good God!

Unknown said...

My wife came home with store brand TP last week. My lawyer says I can get off with justifiable homicide!

Anonymous said...

Toilet paper is the one thing I will never cheap out on. I already sandpaper my lady bits on a daily basis with the abrasive 1-ply tissue/tree bark they supply in the office bathroom; I refuse to go home to more of the same.

Jan Lee said...

LOL One of the side ads on this page is for Amazon, showing me the prices for toilet paper. Now you know that Amazon has the "buy new" feature and right under, it will say "buy used". I was so scared they were going to say "buy used" under the "buy new" option for the toilet paper, ROFL Thankfully though it just said "best price" hahahaha































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