The Hubs Tints Our Windows

What did you do over the weekend, Jen?

Oh, thanks for asking. It was a clusterfuck.

A few years ago we paid professionals to tint several windows in our house. We didn't have enough money to tint all of them at that time. Over the years we kept saying that we were going to have the tinting company come back out and tint the rest of the windows, but we've always found other ways to spend that money.

On Saturday the Hubs woke up and decided he needed to tint our windows. That day.

I implored him not to. You see, the Hubs is good at many things. He is a terrific Realtor (anyone need a good deal on a house, he's your man), he's an excellent driver (he's had hardly any fender benders), and he's an awesome dad and husband (I barely cook and he does all of the laundry). He can hook up my computer to my printer and my WiFi like a professional nerd, he can sniff out a deal on anything, and he can put gas in a car like a mofo.

What he CAN'T do is anything that requires patience, attention to detail, and a steady hand.

Our shower has glass windows in it (I know, WTF, Mr. Builder? - but I digress). The glass was leaking and I wanted to call a handy man to fix it. Hubs assured me that all our shower required was a little caulk and that I should not insult his manhood by calling a professional. HE CAN DO IT!

After a quick trip to the home improvement store and an hour of his time, this is what I got:

"I used clear around the glass, Jen. It looks fine. You'll never see it."

"I know our grout is beige, but white caulk was cheaper, Jen."

Did you see his handiwork in my shower? I don't know what he used, but it's industrial strength and I couldn't peel it off if I wanted to. I guess the good news is: the shower no longer leaks. The bad news is: it looks like ass.

This is why I didn't want him to tint our windows. I begged him not to. I promised to give up buying any new Crocs or Coach purses so that we could pay a company to come out and tint our windows. The Hubs wasn't having it. He'd crossed over. He was in The Zone now. The Zone is where he sometimes lives. When he goes in The Zone he thinks that if he watches enough Youtube videos and reads enough reviews online, he can accomplish anything: window tinting, replacing a garbage disposal, rebuilding the engine of our car, even a heart transplant. Thank goodness all he wanted to do was tint the windows and not crack my chest open.

There was no stopping him. He headed out early in the morning to get his supplies and he got started. I told him that there was no way I was going to help him with his project. He was on his own.

A few hours later he emerged from Gomer's room a hot and sweaty mess, but victorious. "Don't you want to see my handiwork?" he asked.

"Not really," I replied. I didn't feel like getting divorced over the shit job he most certainly did on Gomer's window (which is on the front of my house, of course).

"Come on," he said. "it almost looks good."

Ahhh, that's a sentiment you want to hear!

"Uh huh."

"Now I'm going to do the master bedroom!" he announced.

"I'm going to the basement," I said.

About an hour later I stopped in our bedroom to see how the project was going.

This is what I saw:

"Why is there a seam running through the middle of my window?" I asked as calmly as I could.

"You can't see that," the Hubs argued.

"Of course I can. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked about it," I said. "Did you actually piece together two remnant pieces to fit my bedroom window, you cheap bastard?"

"Kind of," he replied.

"You did. Didn't you! It looks awful!"

"I had to do it this way," he said. "I measured wrong and cut the piece too small."

"That's it. We need to take it off the window right now and call someone. What does Gomer's window look like?"

"It looks goooood. You better stop yelling at me. It looks terrific actually!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, like the bubbles are barely noticeable."

"Whaaaat?! What would you do if we paid someone and the windows looked like that?" I asked.

"But we didn't! That's just it. You can't expect good results at this price! I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm free!"

"Exactly! All the more reason to call someone!"

"Listen, I'm a freaking genius. I was having a hard time with the corners. They kept curling up and I solved that problem all on my own!"

"The corners were curling?"

"Yeah, it was a total pain in the ass, but I fixed them."


"I just cut them off."

"You cut off the corners?"


"So, every window that you've tinted has corners without tint?"

"Yeah. It's not a big deal though. It's just the corners. Who ever looks at corners?"

"You literally cut the corners on this project, Hubs."

As I write this, it's two days later. The Hubs was going to tint six windows. Two are done half assed and four are still waiting for him. He says he needs a little more time to review a few more Youtube videos. He's watching one right now and I just overhead him tell Gomer, "It's so funny, I've never even used that squeegee tool. It's completely unnecessary."

This "free" tint job is going to cost me a fortune before we're finished.

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Linda Kish said...

I love the corner idea. II might use it myself. How funny. I really needed a good laugh. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I use a version of this technique to actually get stuff done in my house. My husband works all the time, but still wants to do things around the house himself. I wait patiently while nothing gets done (so I do it myself - apparently your husband and I are related). My hubs comes home, hates it, and tells me to call a professional to fix my screw up. Thank you, that's what I wanted in the first place! (the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence...unless it's that fake green spray grass that fills in the worn out spots your dogs create...don't get me started, but I got new sod ;) )

The Shitastrophy said...

I tried applying the window frost stuff to our front windows by the door. I think it was up less than a day before my husband pulled it off. Word to the wise...the Home Improvement catalog lies.

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

My husband isn't even allowed to hang things anymore. This is after the THIRD time he had to rip a corner shelf out of the wall because it was crooked. And he used a level!

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

Gah!!!! I can't even. Ellen

Unknown said...

OMG. Dying laughing. HUBS. Come ON.

Unknown said...

The zone!! oh, i know that zone.

but at least he's a perfectionist. there was a quarter of an inch slant to one of the shelves he just built for my kitchen. he took it down and rebuilt it. It was infuriating. he does the exact opposite of cutting corners.

Brenna said...

Ha! "Literally cut corners." Perfect.

Unknown said...

This was too funny and so like a man. they never want to read instructions and always taking what they think is the cheap way out. Maybe when he has a business trip planned, you can call a pro in to do it!

Janet Ellison said...

I think you can clean up that crappy caulking job with a razor blade. Or better yet, have HIM do it!

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