People I Want to Punch in the Throat: The Hubs' Ego

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The Hubs' Ego

Courtesy: The Hubs

One morning the Hubs and I were watching the news and there was a story about a family fishing and as they were reeling their fish into the boat, a shark came out of nowhere and bit the fish off the line.  They showed the video and the Hubs said, "Ha!  Forget the fish, I'd go after that shark!"

"What?" I said.


"I'd go after that shark!  I'd catch that shark."

"What are you talking about?  You would not."

"Yeah, I would.  I'd catch that sucker!"

"You do know that the hook in the mouth doesn't kill the shark.  You must actually kill it with a weapon of some kind, right?"

"I know.  I'd bring it up on deck and then I'd stab it to death with a knife!"

"Listen Nanook of the North, I've seen you squeal like a little girl and run away from a spider, the hell I'm going to let you bring a live shark onto the deck of a boat and trust that you will have the nerve to stab it."

"Shut up, spiders are different.  I would sooo kill a shark."

"Wow.  What it must be like to walk around with such an enormous head.  Is there anything you can't do?  Besides kill spiders, of course."

"I'm thinking..."

This right here is my problem with the Hubs sometimes.  One of the things that attracts me to him is his confidence.  He has so much confidence in himself it bubbles over and lifts me up too.  Sometimes his confidence gets out of whack and he just becomes an asshole spouting about all the things he's sure he can do (like kill a shark with a paring knife).  For instance, he believes he could be a/an:

International Super Star - When I first met the Hubs he told me that when he traveled to Taiwan as a young man he was often mistaken for a Taiwanese super star.  I asked him which one.  His reply?  "All of them."  He can't dance.  He can't sing.  He can't act.  I'm not sure what he would have done there.  Just think, I could be living the high life in Taiwan with their answer to Ryan Seacrest.

Professional E-Card Maker - Just ask him, he'll tell you how witty he is.


International Secret Agent - Every time we watch a "Bourne Identity" type of movie, the Hubs always reminds me of how he "could" have done the whole CIA thing, he just "didn't want to."  He chose to marry me and have kids together instead.  Riiiight.

Writer - A few months ago I was complaining about writing.  I was blocked and I didn't have any ideas that I thought were good.  The Hubs told me that writing is "easy" and I just needed to sit down and crank something out.  I suggested that if it was so "easy" to write a blog like mine then maybe he should write something too.  He wanted to guest post on my blog, but I thought that was too easy.  He already has a built in audience on mine.  I dared him to start his own blog and build it by himself.  He started one.  Check it out and tell me what you think.

Golf Pro - Several years ago the Hubs started playing golf.  He became a bit obsessive one summer and played quite a bit.  One day he announced that he was considering turning pro.  What?!  This is a guy who had played golf for a couple of weeks.  "I could totally do it by the end of the summer," was his reply.  Forget Tiger Wood starting at 2 years old, the Hubs thought 33 was a fine age to start his new career.  Luckily, I got pregnant right after that and he realized he didn't want to be on the road so much with a new baby at home.  Yeahhh, I'm sure that's why he gave up that dream.

Bowling Pro - Yesterday the Hubs broke 165 during our free bowling session.  I think that says enough.

Race Car Driver -  I would be a widow on the first turn.  I'm sure of it.  But the Hubs thinks there's nothing to controlling a car at 200 mph.  He is a bit concerned about when he gets to pee.  His shy bladder is what's stopping him from this career.

Look like an after picture on PX90 - The Hubs swears he was buff before he met me.  I can't find any proof other than a picture of him when he was about 10 where he looks like a leggy little girl pretending she's a Charlie's Angel.  (A bowl cut on such a pretty boy looks a lot like Sabrina.)  He tells me that if we "wanted" to, he'd do PX90 for a month and come out the other side looking like a kung fu master.  He just doesn't want me to "feel bad" about myself since I don't look very (girl) kung fu master.  If he doesn't do it, then we can both be lazy coconuts together.  He's worried it could be awkward for our marriage if one of us is so much hotter than the other.  What a guy!  Always thinking of me.

Hot Dog Eating Champ - This is one he could maybe do.  If you ever eat with the Hubs you will notice that he is a skinny guy who can put away a ton of food.  It's as if he has a hollow leg to store it in.  If he could master any of the things on this list, it would be hot dog eating champ.

Scale Mt. Everest - I won't allow this until our children are old enough to be fatherless, because I am positive he won't come back.  Just because you own a 15 year old NorthFace jacket that was purchased at the outlet mall, it does not mean you are a mountain climber.

The Winner of Survivor - The Hubs fancies himself a playa.  He thinks he can outwit, outplay, and outlast everyone else.  Ha.  Have you heard the term "angry drunk?"  The Hubs is an "angry hungry guy."  He gets pissed when he doesn't eat on a regular schedule.  After the first week without food he would go stark, raving mad.  He would most likely kill a wild boar in the jungle and eat it raw.  He would come back to camp smeared in blood and scare the shit out of everyone else there.  They would promptly throw the challenge later that afternoon and vote his crazy ass off.  Either that or his "evacuation" schedule would be thrown for a loop (because he can't even take a shit on a public toilet, let alone crouch in the woods) and he would suffer a bowel obstruction and have to be life flighted out at day 13.

Nah, the Hubs needs to stick to what he does best:  taking care of our business(es).  If the Hubs went on any of these tangents it would take time away from the work that needs to be done to keep our real estate business going, this blog rolling and our children fed.  (All I do is write, people.  The Hubs does the rest.)

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69 comments:

  1. ROFL! Mine likes to pull stats & other random things out of his ass. I used to just laugh, now I call him on it. We were sitting on a bench on the boardwalk the other night, he points out a red light on the water and starts spouting how that's a channel marker & the colors mean certain things.. I stopped him right there... we've been together 15 years and he's been on a boat TWICE that entire time. I call him on his BS and we laughed for the next twenty minutes. :D

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  2. Anonymous09:20

    LOVE how the ad next to this is for Poise hot flash pads!

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  3. Sooo funny! I can relate with the survivor part. My husband always says what he would do different than the people on Survivor, Big Brother, et .

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  4. I get angry when I'm hungry too. We call it 'hangry'. It's a thing.

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    1. It is a thing. A good friend of mine is always hangry.

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  5. Love the Northface reference. My small town is filled with climbers if all it takes is a Northface jacket. Before Northface they were just rednecks with guns.

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  6. Anonymous09:23

    Yes, I think they are all like this. My husband who is 75 lbs overweight told me he could beat my extremely fit and athletic guy friend in a 100m foot race. He thinks he could win any food challenge if I let him try and he told me when we were 21 that he could have a 6 pack if he wanted to. 12 years later all he did was gain 75 lbs.

    He also fancies himself better at everything I do. He has instructed me on how to breastfeed and despite my many years of study on dog training, he always offers up his advice on how he would do it. Thanks, but I'm good.

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    1. Anonymous20:52

      Seems like he has a respect issue..or issues.

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  7. I love the Survivor part. I often talk about how I would do in that game and it is the same with me. One day without food and I'd turn into such a crazy person I'd be gone for sure!

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  8. I swear my hubs & your hubs are lost relatives of some sort. HA!

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  9. Hilarious!

    Anonymous--my ads are for Handbag Heaven, Urban Outfitters and the Blue-Ray version of Jaws! LOL!

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  10. Anonymous09:31

    NorthFace jacket at the outlet mall. That's GREAT!

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  11. OMG..I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
    The last Bourne movie we saw, he claimed he could do some of that stuff.This is the man who refuses to take karate with me for fear he'll pull something,lol.I looked at him and stated,"Well I think you could definitely do the car chase because you know how to fuck a car up."

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  12. Love it. I live with a Confidence Man myself. Try watching the Olympics with someone to whom nothing is that hard...

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  13. You are hysterical - always. Even when you're saying exactly how I feel. And I did check out the hubs' blog - I can see why the two of you are married. His blog is just as funny but less wordy. Except for the 'hand' twitter.

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  14. Anonymous09:38

    This might be my favorite post yet! Thanks for the morning laugh :-)

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  15. Clarice09:38

    Omg this is my husband!!! "I would have been soo good at....." is a regular sentience in our house! I think he even said I interior decorator once. I finally just started calling him on it or started saying I would have made an awesome stripper and usually shuts him up

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  16. My husband is cut from the same mold, I was blaming it on my Mother in Law, playing into the huge ego and reassuring him that he could do ANYTHING in life while growing up. Not bad, but not quite a good thing either... Still to this day, she tells his that he "is so athletic! He runs like a Gazelle" Huh???

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  17. There's funny on your husband's blog. But the lack of writing makes it obvious why he considers it so easy. It's like comparing melons to peanuts.

    My husband's ego is pretty darn big, but living with me has deflated it a bit. I'm the superman in this household.

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  18. Anonymous09:42

    Try being married to a former Marine! It isn't just confidence it is cockiness too! Though I see this stuff all the time, just shake my head and move on...

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    1. Anonymous20:11

      Same here!!! I just smile and say "uh huh" - crazy Marines!

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  19. That is so true, most men I know are the same, they could alwayd do it better, no matter what it is.

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  20. Anonymous10:10

    Hilarious! I love the reasons why these things don't happen.

    and @ anon @ 9:23--OMG I CAN SO RELATE. (breastfeeding! really!) He has to tell me how to do everything--HIS way, even if his way is dead wrong. I "love" (actually hated) when he insisted the proper way to cook (some vegetable, I forget which) was to steam it, in a metal colander, poking out my nonstick skillet, with the lid perched on top, while all the steam escaped out the sides from under the colander. Really? I can't just put the veg in the skillet with a little water and put the lid on it to actually COVER it and steam it? get the f*** out of my kitchen, hubs. Go fold the laundry. You're "better" at it anyway. God forbid you pick up a hammer and fix anything manly.

    I also love (hate) when I come up with an idea or observation and he doesn't respond, as if I've said nothing. and 30 seconds later, he says the same thing, as if it were his idea and he just came up with it!

    (I love when this happens in front of witnesses)

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    1. Oh, he sounds just like mine! I actually stopped cooking once, handed him the utensils, and said "have at it". He finished the meal ;-p And the observation thing annoys me. I always call him out on it, I used to never but it is annoying!!

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  21. Anonymous10:11

    oh, and I can so relate to the angry/hungry. me (and my daughter) both become raving lunatics when we're hungry.

    damn it--when f*** is lunch??

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  22. Anonymous10:38

    Love it!
    Kort

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  23. Marina10:42

    Good News!!
    Your Hubs CAN be a race car driver. They literally pee in their suits while racing. (I'm not kidding.) So there! He can go back to pursuing that dream...if the small bladder was the only thing stopping him...

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  24. Hahahahahaha!!!!

    I think guys need to have big egos so they can feel like the big strong protectors of their women (caveman days, anyone?) that they're "supposed" to be.

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  25. We men are a strange breed capable of anything when we have the support of a good woman.

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    1. And we women are a strange breed capable of anything despite the support of a good man.

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  26. So I checked out Hubs blog. Not a whole lot of writing there, however, I LOVE the note on the 50 Shades book as well as the definition of hand-some! He could've been a comedian!

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  27. Too funny! Reminds me when I met my husband and I asked him, if he could have any job that would include doing something he is passionate about he said scuba diver....and he has never even been scuba diving!

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  28. My husband decided a couple years ago (after 10 years together and two children) that at 28 he could become a professional baseball player.. He played sports in high school, he knows how hard it is to get into professional athletics but after months of playing on the PS3 he decided he could definitely do it!

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  29. "Just because you own a 15 year old NorthFace jacket that was purchased at the outlet mall, it does not mean you are a mountain climber."

    I just spit my Diet Pepsi all over the computer screen.

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  30. Glenda15:29

    Just checked out your Hub's blog. Funny. If people love that then my HAHAHA Pinterest board is the shit.

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  31. I love that his blog is pretty much sourced from NickMom... he hasn't written a thing! LOL

    My husband (thankfully) knows what most of his limits are. It's when his distinct lack of handiness colors his opinions of what I am capable of that I want to bitch-slap his fat mouth into the next room.

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  32. Anonymous15:52

    I guess that's why the gov't and media and such are trying so hard to feminize all males these days.("How I met your mother", "The Big Bang Theory" shows, et al.) If I wanted to roll over and be given my meals, clothing, shelter, security, etc., I'd have been born a girl. I CAN do ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO!!! I am a MAN, Baby!!! Dumb Ass women will never, can never, understand what it is like to be perfect!

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    1. Anonymous21:56

      Wtf? Who let this douchebag on here?

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    2. Dangly bits don't make you perfect, honey. Otherwise the vibrator industry wouldn't be anywhere near as popular as it is.

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    3. Anonymous20:01

      Dangly bits??? Hahahaha!

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  33. Keeping it real! I love you guys.

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  34. Lindsay17:39

    HaHa. My hubs thinks watching the Science Channel makes you a scientist. Um, no. One time someone told me he looks like Benjamin Bratt (who is far better looking than my husband-sorry hubs). His response was "I'm handsomer than that guy"

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  35. Anonymous19:47

    Playa..LOL!

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  36. Eunice20:02

    Yeah! The only thing mine can't do is KEEP THE DARN HOUSE CLEAN!!!! :(

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  37. Omg...I had to share this with my "other half", it is so him. Thank you!!!!!

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  38. Anonymous20:50

    This might be my favorite punch ever. My husband tells me how to do everything better - cook, clean, fold laundry, work, drive, breath...

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  39. Anonymous20:57

    The problem I have with my husband is a bit different. He does not claim to be able to do everything under the sun. But when I attempt to do something (after asking him numerous times to do it) he is right there standing over me, telling me how to do it!!! I can not express how infuriating this is without using numerous adjectives that would probably get me ejected into cyber space but I bet you can probably close your eyes and imagine them if you try real hard!

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  40. A shark is much easier to kill than the wild boar.
    Your blog is better.

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  41. Yeah, definitely must be a man thing....this is hilarious!
    Devan

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  42. Val K12:55

    "Just because you own a 15 year old NorthFace jacket that was purchased at the outlet mall, it does not mean you are a mountain climber."

    Possibly the funniest line you've ever written! hahaha

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    1. I know right! HilArious

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  43. Kelly W14:55

    All I have to say it that is "blog" is really a rip off of facebook. Just Sayin'.

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  44. Loved this post- I too hear alot of these things but my favorite is 'how buff I used to be' Like you I am like "Where are the pictures?" It is like there were no cameras around for a period of 3 years of his life. These three years being when he accomplished so many things! Huh?!?!?!
    Hopped over to Hubby's blog- So far so good, pretty good humor, and I can see he already has Anonymous trolls. FUN little monsters they are.

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  45. You guys are both adorable! Your blog is better though. Hey, this might be my only chance to ask this question. Is it true what they say about Asian guys?

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    1. Yes, they are incredibly smart, cheap and great drivers. ;)

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  46. Too funny! Sounds a lot like my Hubby!

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  47. Hahahahaaaaaaa!
    I feel your pain- you're preaching to the choir:) My husband thinks that Brad Pitt has NOTHIN' on him. Yes my husband is cute but his nickname is Britzican (British and Ecuadorian) he's 5'7" and quite dark, the exact opposite of Brad- I blame his parents for his enormous stupid ego.

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  48. I am crying over here!! Most of this sounds really familiar! LOL!!

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  49. Ah, yes. My Current Legal Spouse spouts bullshit like this daily. My favorite is when I'm admiring something in a store and he says, totally serious: "$200? For this?? I could make that.." Uh huh.

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  50. Hmmm. I enjoy the Hubs blog, but I wouldn't say there was much writing going on there.

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  51. Loved the North Face comment! LOL I also get "hangry" You don't want to see the Hulk when he is angry... You don't want to see me when I'm hungry!

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  52. Oh My Gosh ... I love this post on so many levels!!!

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  53. Hysterical. You are a total crack up.
    jean!

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  54. Football. My husband swares he could have been the best quarterback. Ever. When we met he weighed 140 lbs. If it wasn't for me he could've survived being tackled by those 250lb. linebackers. I'm a dream killer or a lifesaver depending in how you look at it.

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  55. I got in a HUGE fight with my husband years ago over his insistence that he could totally become an Ice Road Trucker and not be scared like the PROFESSIONALS on the TV show. Today, every time he goes on one of his "I can totally do that better than anyone" rants, I just mention Ice Road Truckers and laugh. My mom even bought him an Ice Road Truckers t-shirt and he wears it with pride! I love that arrogant bastard!!!

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  56. I laughed the entire way through because I could insert my own hubby into each one. Except your hubby - I actually was chuckling over on his blog too, and I can barely get my own to read My blog.
    I think mine might actually be able to be a race car driver. he really is an insanely good driver. Like that high speed and crank the wheel and make the car slide into a turn? yeah, been in the car with him during that.
    gotta say, I wasn't having as much fun as he was.

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  57. As always, I had to put down my drink to read your blog post. My mistake was in picking it up again before reading the comments! Hot chocolate is not a good look on my phone.
    Hubby asked what I was pmsl at, so I read out the post to him. His response?
    "Nah, I'd strangle the shark, no mess."
    Are all men the same? Lol. Love your blog :-)

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  58. Oh, so it's not just me, then. My husband doesn't brag exactly; he's just very, VERY stubborn and refuses to be persuaded away from his opinion, even if the matter at hand is not up for opinion. I'll say, "but why do you believe what you do? Give me a reason." And he'll say, "Because." Like him saying "because" is all the reason anyone could ever need. We once had an argument - a full-out ARGUMENT - about the "which would fall faster, a rock or a feather" question. He insisted that they would fall at the same rate and would NOT give in when I told him they would ONLY fall at the same rate if they were in a vacuum. Thanks to the internet, that dinner-conversation ended very embarrassingly for him (he's an engineer, so WHOOPS!). And of course I won't ever let him live it down. ;)

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