The Costume Designers at Mad Men Need to Keep Their Hands Off Jon's Family Jewels

So, it has come to my attention that Jon Hamm is a bit famous for going . . . uh . . . commando.

That almost looks uncomfortable. Does stick to his leg when it's hot out?
How did I miss this memo up until now? I am a huuuuuge fan of Mad Men and Jonny, in particular. In case you didn't know, he's on my List. Y'know, my List. (For the slower folks at home, my List is the list of celebrities the Hubs has given me a free pass for in the event I can actually get them drunk enough to hook up with me.)


Doesn't everyone have a List? I know the Hubs does. But the Hubs isn't very bright. He puts women like Salma Hayek and Charlize Theron on his list. These are girls who have never once even been to our neck of the woods, nor could they find it on a map! But when you pick someone like Jon Hamm, you have a fighting chance:

1. He's from St. Louis. Hellooo, I just went to St. Louis. I could have totally bumped into him at the Arch while he was there visiting with family and we could have shared a space aged pod together.

2. St. Louis is so close to Kansas City that he's bonded with several of our local break out stars like Paul Rudd and now he comes to KC every once in a while for charity gigs and such. I could easily buy a thousand dollar ticket to one of these events and bump into him in the coat closet. Repeatedly.

3. He's been on 30 Rock several times now and so I know he's tight with my BFF Tina Fey and all I'd have to do is casually mention over our deli sandwich lunch that I'd love some one on one time with Jon, and she could be like, "Oh hey, he's crashing at my apartment this week, because he's the guest host on SNL. Here's the key, knock yourself out, girl! By the way, he's a sloppy kisser, but who cares, amiright?"

OK, so as you can see, I know a lot about Jon. That's why I was so surprised to find out he likes to go free balling. I found several articles about his package and how this season on Mad Men the costumes are getting tighter and they've asked Jon to rein in his twig and berries so that the ladies at home can be thoroughly disappointed - I mean, won't be distracted - and can follow the plot line.

Twig and berries?? More like baby arm and bocce balls.
This is so unfair Mad Men. Release the Hamm bone! Unless you're going to put a smock on Christina Hendrix, I demand you leave Jon's junk just where it is - practically slapping against his knee!

So, you now know this meaty man is on my List, who's on yours?

Find me on Facebook, Twitter and Subscribe via e-mail.

If you want to read more, check out MY BOOKS!

47 comments:

gurl71 said...

Oh my! I needed this hilarious read today, thanks so much. . . Blake Shelton is my top of the list, how old is too old to become a groupie?

Tracy Winslow said...

You're getting too old when you break a hip trying to sneak in backstage...

Dallas Landrum-Martin said...

I have Hugh Jackman, Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon-Levitt on my list (though I wouldn't kick George Clooney out of my bed either). He has Jennifer Connelly, Kate Beckinsale and Kate Winslet on his. I used to have people I worked with on my list - before you assume the worst, I work in the entertainment industry, so I can say I've worked with George Carlin but not so close that he'd have ever known my name - but that all backfired when I actually introduced him to someone on my list. Had to change the rules immediately after that: no one on the list you've actually met.

Kris at AintNobodysMama said...

My hubs and I have had a Hall Pass List for YEARS! Check out my blog on it! www.aintnobodysmama.blogspot.com

Kris at AintNobodysMama said...

"Release the Hamm bone!" LMAO

Keesha said...

Baby arm and bocce balls - Ha! Love that. We have no hall pass policy, but if I ever meet JH, it is on, at least I thought so before seeing those pics. Whole lotta action in that basket. Man, that looks like it would hurt!

Teri said...

I've got Clooney, Mike Rowe and Channing Tatum on my list. Because anything's possible. Never thought I'd be a part of a best selling book. See! Dreams DO come true.

Cassandra said...

I read he also does yoga. What happens when he does a back bend?

Amy FunnyIsFamily said...

That pic of Jon is my new wallpaper. Sorry kids! You're out, the Hamm bone's in!

My list has changed multiple times over the years, but it is always horrifying. I can't help it, I love ugly funny guys. David Letterman, David Spade, Adam Sandler, and Jerry Seinfeld have all graced my list. Sure there is some eye candy, like Ben Affleck, Ryan Gosling, and Clooney, but it's usually more ugly than pretty.

Momma O said...

WOOOO HOOOOOO!!! Yes, Jon is on my list! The others are Bradley Cooper (who was filmed in and grew up the suburbs of Philadelphia, just like me!) Johnny Depp, who I will never give up on, Mark Wahlberg, and Eddie Vedder.

But now that I am seeing this free ballin' Hamm Bone, wow, I mean, that is impressive. BTW - 'Hamm Bone' = genius!

What a beautiful post! Just beautiful! Thank you so much for the visuals! I love you Jen!

Denise G said...

Gerard Butler is at the top of my list.

faye segaran said...

Gerrard Butler,Alex O'Loughlin (McGarett from awaii five o) and David Beckham . And i guess i f i had to hav a girl crukch it wouldhave to be Elizebth Hurly ... i might consider that lol

Kris at AintNobodysMama said...

I bet there is a lot of adjusting to keep crimping it.

Kris at AintNobodysMama said...

Oops! *keep FROM crimping it!

Katie said...

I fully support Hamm's cry for freedom. As for my list, I'm single, but... Seth Rogen. I know. And chubby Seth Rogen. Not "Green Hornet" Seth Rogen, but "Knocked Up" Seth Rogen. Yup, I'll own that.

kady said...

He is so-oh-oh beautiful, but I like him clean-cut as Don Draper. Totally on my list, along with Rick Springfield (yeah, I know, he's old but he's still got a rockin' bod--I actually touched him once! At a concert, he stood on MY chair & I got to help hold him up there while he played & sang--eeee!) On the younger end, Cory Montieth from Glee, and on the bad-boy side, Adam Levine. Funny, but all these guys are totally opposite in looks from my husband--he is tall (6'2"), athletic build, and blonde with blue eyes.

Sue said...

George Clooney is at the very top of my list. You can imagine how excited I was when I found out he was to be at an event at the museum where I volunteer -- on a day when I was scheduled to be there. I had my plan all set and then he cancelled out two hours before he was to be there. Some baloney about having to go to Washington to talk to Obama about the Sudan or something. Perhaps it was for the best, as the shirt I was required to wear as a volunteer was exactly the opposite of attractive. It's tough for a middle-aged woman to rock a khaki shirt with a huge embroidered patch on the chest.

To make matters worse, the biggest celebrity to show for the event was Yogi Berra. He was nice and all, but definitely not on my list. I mean, seriously, couldn't George have sent Matt Damon or someone else in his place?

Sue said...

Yeah, I get it. I had a big crush on him when he was on Freaks and Geeks.

Fifi834 said...

The Hammaconda!!
My list also includes: Christian Bale, Johnny Depp

gurl71 said...

I understand completely, James Gandolfini rocked my world the whole time the Sopranos were on tv! Now it's Jase from Duck Dynasty. . . go figure!

Marnie said...

Fave post to date. Baby arm! LOVE! I wholeheartedly agree, too. Should we start a Jon'sJunk petition?

Lynn said...

That can't be real. Right? Photoshopped? Those babies are hanging so low that if he had on shorts, we would allllllll get to see the bocce balls.

Momma O said...

GENIUS!

Momma O said...

Jon is puttin' the HAMMer down!

(sorry I could't resist)

YKIHAYHT said...

This is amazing. I guess it is time to bust out the Netflix and get to watching Mad Men. I'm a fan of free-range twigs and berries.
I don't think I need to tell you who is on my list, I'm pretty sure you know ;-) Thanks for laugh today, I really needed it!

Rebeccah Connelly said...

Oh my word. I had no idea about any of this and now, what has been seen, cannot be unseen. Oh, yeah, and Vince Vaughn, top of the list. Hilarious, tall and attainable. It's alllll about attainable. ;-)

Anna @mommy_padawan said...

Lol - first, I love that you wrote about someone on your list. I used to update my top 5 list quite often but haven't in a while. I had no idea about Jon and his um, generous, free flowing "manhood". Yowza! I don't watch Mad Men but I love him on SNL and I live in STL, how did I miss the memo on this guy? I'm pretty sure Sam Trammel (True Blood) and Jason Statham aren't even close to local or attainable but they are on my list and it sure is nice to dream....

RachRiot said...

Yes, it is a total travesty they are trying to disarm the Hamm-Cannon. Bastards! And I, too, have a Fuckit List and wrote a blog about it-- it involved a dream I had about Joe Manganiello and myself in a tickle fight.. ummm hmm.

Kristen Mae said...

OMG. I am dying laughing. And also astounded by the size of Jon's junk. Holy shit, I'm a LITTLE bit scared of that sucker!

NorthHike said...

Jon Bon Jovi could rock my world any day! I also love Harry Connick Jr. Yummy!

Linda said...

Hamm bone? Baby arm and bocce balls? You're killing me. I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Oh yeah, and Antonio Banderas is on my list cuz he's packing!

DizzyLizzy said...

not wanting to boast or anything but my hubs usually has the trouser snake going on!!! (that's why i married him LOL)but my list was complied many years ago and hasn't changed much,it's also a bit different from the rest seen as i'm from the other side of the pond. (Ireland)1. Robbie Williams (English singer) 2. Tommy Tiernan (Irish comedian)
3. Jared Leto (Actor & singer) 4. Colin Farrell (What irish woman wouldn't!!!!) and 5. Alex Skarsgaard (Eric in Trueblood, a more recent addition.)

phunk said...

My list has just one person on it - and his name actually IS Commando! At least that's his name on TV (he's a trainer on Biggest Loser Australia & he's F.I.T.) Oh yeah!

Janine Huldie said...

My list includes Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale, and Johnny Depp!! All definitely yum!!

TNMom said...

#1 forever - Matt Damon! Jeremy Renner - OMG....drool! And funny does it for me too - Vince Vaughn. (silly, yes, but tall!)
This whole post cracked me the hell up! You go girl! <3D
(BTW, plane ticket, hotel and car = $430...thinking about it...)

My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yard said...

Hamm bone. Fuck yeah.

elsun76 said...

Justin Timberlake is my entire list. I lived in Memphis for years, and did have a couple of sightings. Great post!!

~Jen~ said...

My list: Ian Somerhalder, Ryan Reynolds, Adam Levine, Chris Evans, and Chris Hemsworth.

Lynn said...

Seriously, no one wants to know about your husband's trouser snake.

abby's mom said...

Paul Walker, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck... all so attainable!

Diane, Kate said...

List: Norman Reedus (preferably in Daryl Dixon character), Logan Lerman, Adam Levine, James Franco, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, and Heath Ledger (he will never leave the list).

Bethany said...

I dig commando, but that is more than an eyeful that Jonny boy is slinging around. Adam Levine tops my list.

Angela K Roe said...

Nothing better than deciding who makes the "sexception" list. ;P

Hallie Sawyer said...

Okay, that is just weird. Isn't there some fashion law that if you are over a certain size, commando doesn't apply to you? Tim Gunn is either have a conniption fit over these photos or he's swooning. Yikes!

Ileana Herrera said...

TOTALLY!!

ShaMac said...

I have no true loyalties, so my list changes from day to day. Today's list is: Bradley Cooper, his name is a lot fun to say! Go ahead, say it with me, Bradley Cooper. Yup, that is a lot of fun. Mrsss Bradleyyyy CoooooPer! <3
Oops, tangent.
Benedict Cumberbatch, Adam Levine, Chris Evans, Rob Thomas, Gerard Butler, David Tennant, Tom Hiddleston, Ignacio Serricchio, Rick Yune, Dylan McDermott, Dwayne Johnson, Eric Balflour, Denzel Washington, Eddie Murphy, and Charles Micheal Davis.
I know it is a long list, but I am playing the odds here.
Oh, I do not want to forget Zach Galifianakis. I would hit that like a pinata full of Swiss chocolates.

Little Wanton said...

I’m not picky, Michael Fassbender will do for me lol
(he’s also a big boy like Jon here, as you can atest on his movie "Shame").

Designer Vaginas are a Thing Now

I don't know about you ladies, but as I get older I'm finding that a lot of things are .... changing. My laugh lines aren't...